Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

CORVID WITNESS (horror)


  • Please log in to reply
22 replies to this topic

#21 mojicanpuertorican

mojicanpuertorican

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 145 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Southeast

Posted 23 March 2018 - 10:53 AM

Thanks for the great feedback everyone. I see it coming together more nicely. Will post the most updated query.

 

 

 

When detective Ed Keegan sees the raven at the crime scene, he doesn’t expect the bird to talk to him, much less in its deceased owner’s voice.

 

Ed always knows how to handle an investigation, pushing emotions to the floor, and studying the hard facts. Ed confides in no one - except for his job. His career won’t judge or hurt him like the people in his life, choosing to deal with the dead rather than the living. In his most recent case, no one's witnessed the death of Darlene Hargrove, the fourth girl killed who attended the local theological university. No one but Elijah, Darlene's pet raven who repeats its owner’s last words, words that suggest Darlene knew her killer.

 

With Elijah at the police station, Ed, fascinated by Elijah’s involvement in Darlene's case, makes sure he doesn’t miss an utterance from the bird. And when Elijah, with his talons, carves the message “Wolves hunger their young” on the wall, Ed realizes Elijah is no ordinary bird. Rather, a prophet or a harbinger of doom. The deeper Ed digs in the case, the more he sees the town’s untold history of murders and disappearances with one single connection: a woman. A woman he’d seen before as a kid, haunted by her presence since. If Ed backs off the case now, he’ll be spared the danger. If he doesn’t, he may just learn the truth of Darlene’s demise and Elijah’s involvement - and risk his life in so doing.

 

But the path Elijah leads him down is one so sinister that Ed questions everything he’s learned in his career. A rabbit hole so deep, he finds himself on the run from the woman of his childhood nightmares.



#22 IndusiumGriseum

IndusiumGriseum

    Find me at: www.glanzmansensitivityreading.com

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 59 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Southeast
  • Publishing Experience:None

Posted 23 March 2018 - 11:38 AM

Thanks for the great feedback everyone. I see it coming together more nicely. Will post the most updated query.

 

 

 

When detective Ed Keegan sees the raven at the crime scene, he doesn’t expect the bird to talk to him, much less in its deceased owner’s voice.

 

Ed always knows how to handle an investigation, pushing emotions to the floor, and studying the hard facts. Ed confides in no one - except for his job. His career won’t judge or hurt him like the people in his life, choosing to deal with the dead rather than the living. In his most recent case, no one's witnessed the death of Darlene Hargrove, the fourth girl killed who attended the local theological university. No one but Elijah, Darlene's pet raven who repeats its owner’s last words, words that suggest Darlene knew her killer.

 

With Elijah at the police station, Ed, fascinated by Elijah’s involvement in Darlene's case, makes sure he doesn’t miss an utterance from the bird. And when Elijah, with his talons, carves the message “Wolves hunger their young” on the wall, Ed realizes Elijah is no ordinary bird. Rather, a prophet or a harbinger of doom. The deeper Ed digs in the case, the more he sees the town’s untold history of murders and disappearances with one single connection: a woman. A woman he’d seen before as a kid, haunted by her presence since. If Ed backs off the case now, he’ll be spared the danger. If he doesn’t, he may just learn the truth of Darlene’s demise and Elijah’s involvement - and risk his life in so doing.

 

But the path Elijah leads him down is one so sinister that Ed questions everything he’s learned in his career. A rabbit hole so deep, he finds himself on the run from the woman of his childhood nightmares. (Everything about this query is PERFECT up until the last line, in my opinion. You didn't build up the woman of his childhood nightmares at all, so, I can't think of a reason to put her at the very end. An ambiguous, eerie line about the danger that he'll face would probably be sufficient. GREAT job on this!!)


HIRE ME AS YOUR SENSITIVITY READER!: https://www.glanzman...ityreading.com/


#23 TClark

TClark

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 70 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Southeast

Posted 23 March 2018 - 11:43 AM

Thanks for the great feedback everyone. I see it coming together more nicely. Will post the most updated query.

 

 

 

When detective Ed Keegan sees the raven at the crime scene, he doesn’t expect the bird to talk to him, much less in its deceased owner’s voice.

 

Ed always knows how to handle an investigation, pushing emotions to the floor, and studying the hard facts. Ed confides in no one - except for his job. His career won’t judge or hurt him like the people in his life, choosing to deal with the dead rather than the living. In his most recent case, no one's witnessed the death of Darlene Hargrove, the fourth girl killed who attended the local theological university. No one but Elijah, Darlene's pet raven who repeats its owner’s last words, words that suggest Darlene knew her killer.

 

With Elijah at the police station, Ed, fascinated by Elijah’s involvement in Darlene's case, makes sure he doesn’t miss an utterance from the bird. And when Elijah, with his talons, carves the message “Wolves hunger their young” on the wall, Ed realizes Elijah is no ordinary bird. Rather, a prophet or a harbinger of doom. The deeper Ed digs in the case, the more he sees the town’s untold history of murders and disappearances with one single connection: a woman. A woman he’d seen before as a kid, haunted by her presence since. If Ed backs off the case now, he’ll be spared the danger. If he doesn’t, he may just learn the truth of Darlene’s demise and Elijah’s involvement - and risk his life in so doing.

 

But the path Elijah leads him down is one so sinister that Ed questions everything he’s learned in his career. A rabbit hole so deep, he finds himself on the run from the woman of his childhood nightmares.

 

I don't have much to critique, -if anything. This query is essentially good to go. I do, however, agree with the other comments and possibly elaborate on this woman. What makes her so scary? Why is she nightmarish? 

 

Again these are personal sentiments. I really like your query so take everything I said with a grain of salt. 






0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users