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My Query (YA fantasy story)


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#1 JonasJ

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Posted 11 March 2018 - 10:57 AM

LAST EDITED VERSION AT THE LAST PAGE!! THANKS!


I need help with my query. I will read and give you all feedbacks too.


Ms. (AGENT NAME)

Every night, Cecilia takes to the streets as “The Porcelain Mask,” a defender of right and wrong in the Kingdom of Al-Pasia. Wearing a mask to conceal her identity, she interferes with enemy operations, offers the commander of the kingdom advice, and sometimes aids them in battle. Having been raised by an adoptive father, she is the last surviving member of a bloodline of demi-warriors named Sentinels.

But when her kingdom's princess is murdered, Cecilia assumes her identity to root out the mysterious “La Resistencia,” enemies of the royal family that have infiltrated the Court. With the help of her best friend (an alchemist of liberal personality), and a refugee (who may have his owns reasons to help her), Cecilia uncovers a conspiracy by the neighboring Kingdom of Fuegos. But before Cecilia can warn the king, she and her companions are captured and the Kingdom of Al-Pasia falls to Fuegos.

Now constantly on the run from the Fuegorian army, Cecilia and her companions must decide where to focus their attention—old rivalries or a dangerous future. They may have escaped the iron hand of their conqueror, but they are far from safe. Forced to choose between their duties and their hearts, they must fight their own demons to vanquish an entity of chaos ready to be unleash to their world.

(NAME OF THE BOOK) is an Italian/Spanish Renaissance, fantasy-inspired take on the legend of El Zorro and legends from Latin America. It is complete at 90k words.

(My short bio)

Thank you for your time and consideration.

(MY NAME)

#2 tn_writer

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Posted 11 March 2018 - 02:35 PM

I can't offer much in the way of a critique since I'm starting out myself, but I wanted to say your book sounds amazing. We need your book! I just made a few suggested edits. Great job!

 

I need help with my query. I will read and give you all feedbacks too.


Ms. (AGENT NAME)

Every night, Cecilia takes to the streets as “The Porcelain Mask,” a defender of right and wrong in the Kingdom of Al-Pasia. Wow. That first sentence is everything. Wearing a mask to conceal her identity, she interferes with enemy operations, offers the commander of the kingdom advice, and sometimes aids them in battle. Having been raised by an adoptive father, she is the last surviving member of a bloodline of demi-warriors named Sentinels.

But when her kingdom's princess is murdered, Cecilia assumes her identity to root out the mysterious “La Resistencia,” enemies of the royal family that have infiltrated the Court. With the help of her best friend (an alchemist of liberal personality), and a refugee (who may have his owns reasons to help her) not sure you need these two parenthetical phrases as they're a tad distracting, Cecilia uncovers a conspiracy by the neighboring Kingdom of Fuegos. But before Cecilia can warn the king, she and her companions are captured and the Kingdom of Al-Pasia falls to Fuegos.

Now constantly on the run from the Fuegorian army, Cecilia and her companions must decide where to focus their attention—old rivalries or a dangerous future. They may have escaped the iron hand of their conqueror, but they are far from safe. Forced to choose between their duties and their hearts, they must fight their own demons to vanquish an entity of chaos ready to be unleashed on to their world.

(NAME OF THE BOOK) is an Italian/Spanish Renaissance, fantasy-inspired take on the legend of El Zorro and other legends from Latin America. It is complete at 90k words.

I grew up in San Juan, Puerto Rico. There I discovered a love for writing fantasy stories. Now I hope to write tales that reflect the diverse culture of my homeland. Not sure you need this paragraph, but I'm curious to see what others think.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

(MY NAME)



#3 yawriter

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Posted 11 March 2018 - 09:33 PM

I need help with my query. I will read and give you all feedbacks too.


Ms. (AGENT last NAME),

Every night, Cecilia takes to the streets as “The Porcelain Mask,” a defender of right and wrong in the Kingdom of Al-Pasia. Wearing a mask to conceal her identity,You don't necessarily need this since she's called the porcelain mask. she interferes with enemy operations, offers the commander of the kingdom advice, and sometimes aids them in battle. Having been raised by an adoptive father, she is the last surviving member of a bloodline of demi-warriors named Sentinels. How does she know this? Does the adoptive father know? 

But when her kingdom's princess is murdered, Cecilia assumes her identity to root out the mysterious “La Resistencia,” enemies of the royal family that have infiltrated the Court. With the help of her best friend (an alchemist of liberal personality), and a refugee (who may have his owns reasons to help her), Cecilia uncovers a conspiracy by the neighboring Kingdom of Fuegos. But before Cecilia can warn the king, she and her companions are captured and the Kingdom of Al-Pasia falls to Fuegos. I got really lost on this last sentence. It was REALLY long with a lot of information that confused me. :( 

Now constantly on the run from the Fuegorian army, Cecilia and her companions must decide where to focus their attention—old rivalries or a dangerous future. I love this sentence! They may have escaped the iron hand of their conqueror, but they are far from safe. Forced to choose between their duties and their hearts, they must fight their own demons to vanquish an entity of chaos ready to be unleash to their world.

(NAME OF THE BOOK) is an Italian/Spanish Renaissance, fantasy-inspired take on the legend of El Zorro and legends from Latin America. It is complete at 90k words.

I grew up in San Juan, Puerto Rico. There I discovered a love for writing fantasy stories. Now I hope to write tales that reflect the diverse culture of my homeland.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Regards,
(MY NAME)

 

I'd be happy to take a look when you edit. Let me know! Please return the favor and take a look at my synopsis for a query. Thank you in advance.

 

http://agentquerycon...mance/?p=352436

 

 



#4 Dasein

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Posted 12 March 2018 - 12:07 AM

My edits:

Every night, Cecilia takes to the streets to punish wrongdoers in the Kingdom of Al-Pasia, wearing a mask to conceal her identity. When her kingdom's princess is murdered, Cecilia assumes her identity to root out the enemies of the royal family that have infiltrated the Court and uncovers a conspiracy by the neighboring Kingdom of Fuegos. But before Cecilia can warn the king, she and her companions are captured and the Kingdom of Al-Pasia falls to Fuegos.

Now on the run from the Fuegorian army, Cecilia and her companions . . . Say something specific about what happens next

(NAME OF THE BOOK) is a fantasy-inspired take on the legend of El Zorro and legends from Latin America. It is complete at 90k words.

I am inspired by the diverse culture of my homeland, Puerto Rico. . . Is this your first novel? If so say it is your debut novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

#5 JonasJ

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Posted 12 March 2018 - 02:14 AM

EDITED VERSION.


Ms. (AGENT NAME AND LAST NAME),

(NAME OF THE BOOK) is a fantasy story inspired by Italian/Spanish Renaissance literature and the legend of El Zorro. It is complete at 90k words.

Every night, Cecilia takes to the streets as “The Porcelain Mask,” a defender of right and wrong in the Kingdom of Al-Pasia. She interferes with enemy operations, offers the commander of the kingdom advice, and sometimes aids them in battle. Having been raised by an adoptive father, she grew up knowing she's the last surviving member of a bloodline of warriors named Sentinels.

But when her kingdom's princess is murdered, Cecilia assumes the princess’s identity to root out the mysterious "La Resistencia,” enemies of the royal family that have infiltrated the Court. With the help of her best friend Isabela, and a refugee Makyer, Cecilia uncovers a conspiracy much deeper than she originally anticipated. Before Cecilia can warn the king, she and her companions are captured.

Now, on the run from the Fuegorian army, Cecilia, Makyer, and Isabela must decide where to focus their attention—old rivalries or a dangerous prophecy. Even after they escape from their captors they are far from safe. Forced to choose between their duties and their hearts, they must fight their own demons to vanquish an entity of chaos who is ready to destroy their world.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Kind regards,

(MY NAME)

#6 Bibliophyl

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Posted 12 March 2018 - 03:42 PM

My suggestions:

 

(NAME OF THE BOOK) is a fantasy story inspired by Italian/Spanish Renaissance literature and the legend of El Zorro. It is complete at 90k words. Just a suggestion, maybe you could say it's a genderbent take on El Zorro or something else to call out your female MC, because I think that will really appeal to agents. 

Every night, Cecilia [maybe a one or two word descriptor of who Cecilia is/her place in life? I.e. "the highborn Cecilia" or "Cecilia, daughter of a merchant family" etc. just to give readers some more context] takes to the streets as “The Porcelain Mask,” a defender of right and wrong in the Kingdom of Al-Pasia. She interferes with enemy operations, offers the commander of the kingdom advice, and sometimes aids them in battle. Having been raised by an adoptive father, she grew up knowing she's the last surviving member of a bloodline of warriors named Sentinels. Good start so far :)

But when her kingdom's princess is murdered, Cecilia assumes the princess’s identity [how does she do this? magic? disguises? the detail would help with worldbuilding] to root out the mysterious "La Resistencia,” enemies of the royal family that have infiltrated the Court. With the help of her best friend Isabela, [what kind of help specifically does Isabela offer? Why is she necessary to the story? I think it would help flesh things out] and a refugee Makyer, [do we need to know about these characters? Maybe the best friend, but the third one doesn't seem like it adds anything and it's best to keep names to a minimum in queries, I think] Cecilia uncovers a conspiracy much deeper than she originally anticipated. Before Cecilia can warn the king, she and her companions are captured.

Now, on the run from the Fuegorian army, Cecilia, Makyer, and Isabela must decide where to focus their attention—old rivalries or a dangerous prophecy. Even after they escape from their captors they are far from safe. Forced to choose between their duties and their hearts, they must fight their own demons to vanquish an entity of chaos who is ready to destroy their world. This last paragraph is key because it has the stakes, but I'm finding myself a little confused. Where does the prophecy come in? What exactly are the old rivalries? I think you can expand here to drive your point home. 

 

This sounds interesting and I love the inspiration from Renaissance literature you mentioned at the top. Good luck!



#7 JonasJ

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Posted 12 March 2018 - 06:29 PM

Ms. (AGENT NAME),

I'm seeking representation for my debut novel XXX. It is a fantasy story inspired by Italian/Spanish Renaissance literature and a genderbent take on El Zorro. It is complete at 90k words. It will appeal to readers of The Young Elites and Graceling.

Every night, Cecilia takes to the streets to punish the wrongdoers in the Kingdom of Al-Pasia. Wearing a porcelain mask to conceal her identity, she protects oppressed people, offers the commander of the kingdom advice, and sometimes aids them in battle. Every morning, she is just the adoptive daughter of the ex master in arms of her kingdom. Having been raised by an adoptive father in hidding mansion in a forest far away from the city, she grew up knowing she's the last surviving member of a bloodline of warriors named Sentinels.

Her dedication to the kingdom is brought to the ultimate test when the kingdom's princess is murdered, so Cecilia assumes the princess’s identity to root out the mysterious "La Resistencia,” enemies of the royal family that have infiltrated the Court. A magical mask turns her voice the prince's. With the help of her best friend Isabela, the one who prepared her with magical arms and armors, Cecilia uncovers a conspiracy much deeper than she originally anticipated. However, before Cecilia can warn the lord king, she and her companions are captured. She is tortured and offered as concubine to the cruel, Fuegorian King's son.

When the opportunity arises, Cecilia flees from her prison. Now, on the run from the Fuegorian army, Cecilia must decide where to focus her attention—old rivalries among the two kingdoms or a prophecy foretold before she born that tells of the destruction of her kingdom. Even after she escapes from their captors she is far from safe. To vanquish an entity of chaos who is ready to destroy her world, she needs to uncover mysteries from her long ago slayed bloodline past, understand what she is capable of and maybe taste love.

(My short bio)

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Kind regards,

(My name)

#8 Dasein

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Posted 13 March 2018 - 12:00 AM

This phrase is completely puzzling:

"A magical mask turns her voice the prince's. "

Do you mean into the prince's voice? Or the princess's voice? Is this the same or different from the porcelain mask?




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