Note: I didn't not read former renditions/critiques so as to come at it fresh. If you've already addressed a point in the comments and I missed it making points here redundant, apologies :)
the use "a" she's not the only young lady and if you MC doesn't know her yet she's not special yet young lady from Mexico with the flowered blouse I don't think this descriptor adds much, but if you're attached to it, it should say "in a flowered blouse" asks for his help, Ambrose Bright has no clue that the future holds a triple murder, an alternate universe, and a personal madness. But it will.
(Things are going well for Ambrose Bright, an up and coming graphic novelist. His life is getting back together since being shot.) This seems like back story, unless it's pivotal to the plot any additional bg info is distracting. Think of your potential agent as an over caffeinated, tired, six year old with ADD in a toy store ;) - if you aren't as direct and exciting/interesting/clear as possible you'll lose her attention, even if you have the coolest story on the block Books are getting picked up and the young lady from Mexico so if she's a major player in this story (i.e. one of the main characters) you could probably name her. At first I thought she was just a jumping off pint, but now she seems more important than that, an archeologist, wants him to document a new site I'm not sure I followed your jump from being a graphic novelist to documenting an archeological site. A comic book guy to document archeology? And clearly I've jumped the gun, that was your point :) Even so though, you don't want anything that will make your reader stop to say "wait, what?" because it pulls his attention away from what your selling He’s a little doubtful of her logic but mythology is his stock in trade.
(Ancient civilizations come and go. They leave their mark on the landscape and the people fade away.) This seems like a total diversion from the story you were previously telling me- I was all invested in the triple murder thing, but now we're jumping to a whole other topic But what if they don’t? I've read that agents are snarky and dislike rhetorical questions Ambrose slips check your word choice here- "slips" makes me think this is something that "happened" to your MC and anything that "happens" to the MC as opposed to being caused by his actions seems passive and weakens your character. through a portal to an ancient realm
that never died out. So is he time traveling here? Space traveling? Alternate universe traveling? I assume you don't mean it actually didn't die out, because then it would still exist (Whose people mirror the bloody and cruel civilization that is scratched into the walls of the jungle-covered ruins he’s been researching; and whose worst criminals are exiled to his own universe.) I'd look at your idea order here, it's currently confusing. Maybe try something along the lines of: Then AB stumbles through a portal into an ancient civilization. He realizes the cruelty of these people is quite literally written on the walls- he's been studying their hieroglyphs in the jungle-covered ruins. But there's a bigger problem, somehow they've managed to send their most dangerous criminals into AB's world.
Escape escape from what? This seems like a lead-in you could eliminate is a short-term relief as exiles show up to put their plan for domination into motion. The young lady from Mexico is the first casualty and Ambrose can save her if he will only give them what they want "Casualty" suggests she's already dead, saving her suggests she isn't. And his madness truly begins. I didn't realize he was going mad until right here. So are you telling me he's making this up, or just that nobody believes him, or are you using it in a "this is madness" type of way?
“The Madness of Ambrose Bright” title should be in all caps with not quotes is
my debut a science fiction novel, complete at 63,000 words You can round to the nearest thousand. Of credentials, I have none other than the words of this story.
Once again, thank you for your time and consideration.
Okay, so you have interesting concepts here, but I honestly felt like ear paragraph was about an entirely different story. Each one had elements of a book I'd like to read, but they didn't fit together. I think you would benefit from the following:
1. Write down what the book is about in one sentence. Preferably one that doesn't have multiple clauses.
2. Answer the following:
-what the main character needs or wants to achieve
-what threatens the MC enough to kick-start the story
-what steps the MC takes to achieve that goal
-what challenges the MC overcomes to get there
Then look at those notes and build the query around it. You don't need (and frankly can't) include every element of your novel into the query, you just need enough to make the query reader want more.
Hope this helps and isn't too overwhelming. Like I said, interesting concepts, confusing cobbling. Good luck!
I'd love feedback on my inquiry if you are able, thanks!http://agentqueryconnect.com/index.php?/topic/38524-agents-of-balance-ya-fantasy-last-revision-before-initial-inquiries/?p=353277