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Red Initiate Hook, High Fantasy

Fiction Fantasy

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#1 mkuriel

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Posted 12 March 2018 - 10:08 PM

****Current as of 1010 PM EDT on 3/24/2018****

 

Query hook:

When he was six, Red was enchanted with a paranoia spell to protect him. Eighteen years later, he casts the extra mental voice out of his head and the spell might kill him on the way back in. 

 

 

Twitter Pitch:

183 Characters 

Paranoia is Red's only friend until he discovers that comes from an enchantment. After he casts it from his mind, the spell just might kill him on the way back in. #Adult #HighFantasy

 

Honestly not sure how to shorten it... or even if I need to.



#2 rhwashere

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Posted 21 March 2018 - 10:57 PM

I think your first pitch is much clearer. The second is confusing and I start to glaze over after “only voice he can trust”. That phrase doesn’t make sense without context, and neither does the rest that follows it.

Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...51718/?p=356935


#3 NCruz

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Posted 23 March 2018 - 08:32 PM

125 Characters:

 

A paranoid genius must sacrifice his only friend in order to receive the training needed to master his magic. #Adult #Fantasy ​Too vague. You have room for more details. Is the sacrifice a blood ritual to conjure an otherworldly spirit who will train him? Is his magic elemental-based, or perhaps triggered by spilled blood? Are we dealing with blood magic? Life magic? Something entirely different?

 

199 Characters:

After the girl of his dreams discovers Red's secret, he must choose between the only voice he can trust and the training needed to master his ability to control the energy of creation. #Adult #Fantasy ​Also too vague. "Girl of his dreams is a cliché. I can't tell if his secret is a voice in his head, or his magical ability. I don't know what you mean by controlling the energy of creation.



#4 mkuriel

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Posted 24 March 2018 - 09:20 PM

Thanks rhwashere and Nessa! Updated.







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