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Red Initiate High Fantasy, Will swap crit for crit

Fantasy

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#1 mkuriel

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Posted 13 March 2018 - 03:53 PM

Zitera is a world where the conscious ability to control the energy of creation (i.e. magic) comes as Talents that are taught as physics. Since everyone has at least a small Talent, all are encouraged to learn physics at the Mage Sanctum.

 

For as long as Red can remember he's had an inner voice of wisdom whose paranoid advice keeps him safe and alone. Unfortunately, paranoia is considered a mental illness that requires treatment. Nearing the end of his twelfth and final year as a Mage Sanctum Initiate, Red learns that everyone must pass "mental health tests" to guard against unhealthy paranoia, anxiety, and depression. Knowing his voice is at risk, Red demonstrates his most impressive abilities to the girl he's in love with, Sylia. He hopes to impress her and enlist her aid in circumventing the tests. However, he botches the performance and injures himself. Sylia heals him, and offers Red a choice: teach her how he learned his abilities or she'll report him. Though furious about it, Red agrees.

 

Using Red's impotent fury, the "inner voice" pushes him into a meltdown. Relying on the inner voice, Red covers up the resulting damage. As more examples of why Red needs 'his' voice manifest, he begins to realize that his mistrust of everyone is unfounded. During a meeting with Sylia, Red forces the inner voice into the shape of cat and boots it out a 'mental' door. She asks if he's having a seizure. Free from the voice, Red talks with her about it and she reveals that her family was killed by similar madness. She urges him to seek help, saying that treatments involving a dream dimension were sometimes effective.

 

Later, Red enters a dream dimension using a special vehicle for traveling out-of-body called a 'Light Body.' While there, he separates completely from the inner voice. After returning to his body, Red discovers just how much he's always relied on the inner voice when two men come to kill him. When the voice, in the shape of a giant purple panther, shows up to save Red, he uses his Talent to trap the assassins and panther in another dimension. As the panther falls through the portal, it pulls Red's Light Body in too.

 

Unwilling to kill the assassins, Red enlists the panther to help him trap them in the dream dimension.  After trapping them, the panther chases Red's Light Body across several other dimensions. At the same time, his physical self struggles to explain what's happening to Mage Sanctum Masters and keep Sylia happy. The panther catches Red's Light Body even as Red pushes Sylia into reporting his madness.

 

Red identifies the "Panther" as a self-aware spell-construct and then determines a way to use it that doesn't involve driving him insane. He absorbs the core of the spell, but creates a physical 'Panther.' Red returns with the panther and assassins to Zitera. A fight ensues and the panther and one assassin kill each other while Red defeats the other. Red's Light Body, paranoia spell, and physical body merge once more.

 

After Red receives medical attention following his ordeal, he's the subject of an Official Investigation. He explains that the 'madness' is the dead Panther, and learns that Sylia also healed brain damage that hampered his ability to trust. When the Investigation results come out, Red's required to undergo a procedure that will ensure he's mentally stable before he can continue his education. He refuses, and leaves the Mage Sanctum.

 



#2 cmmg

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Posted 20 May 2018 - 12:28 PM

Zitera is a world where the conscious ability to control the energy of creation (i.e. magic) comes as Talents that are taught as physics (this reads like you're causally explaining something to someone in an email instead of a synopsis. Also I don't know why it's important they have "conscious ability" and why you couldn't say "In Zitera, magic is the ability to control the energy of creation. Called, Talents, these abilities are taught as physics" Though I don't understand what "taught as physics means" Do you mean that they need to learn phsyics to control them? like "these Talents are only controllable by those that understand physics."). Since everyone has at least a small Talent, all are encouraged to learn physics at the Mage Sanctum.

 

For as long as Red can remember he's had an inner voice of wisdom whose paranoid (is the voice wise or paranoid, I feel like these conflict unless you say "a paranoid innter voice of wisdom" because when I first think wise, I don't think paranoid) advice keeps him safe and alone. Unfortunately, clinical paranoia is considered a mental illness that requires treatment. Nearing the end of his twelfth and final year as a Mage Sanctum Initiate, Red learns that everyone must pass "mental health tests" to guard against unhealthy paranoia, anxiety, and depression (I feel too many words stand between the last sentiment about paranoia and this). Knowing his voice is at risk (Isn't he at risk instead of the voice), Red demonstrates his most impressive abilities to the girl he's in love with, Sylia (why does teh voice being at risk make him persue love?). He hopes to impress her and enlist her aid in circumventing the tests. However, he botches the performance and injures himself. Sylia heals him, and offers Red a choice: teach her how he learned his abilities or she'll report him. Though furious about it, Red agrees.

 

Using Red's impotent fury, the "inner voice" pushes him into a meltdown (It's interesting that you have this focus as "inner voice" like it's its own separate person. Some people with mental illness do do that, but others with mental illness find that really annoying so I don't know about this.). Relying on the inner voice, Red covers up the resulting damage (of his meltdown? be a little more specific). As more examples of why Red needs 'his' voice manifest (what do you mean by this? When was there one example of Red needing it), he begins to realize that his mistrust of everyone is unfounded. During a meeting with Sylia, Red forces the inner voice into the shape of cat and boots it out a 'mental' door. She asks if he's having a seizure(??). Free from the voice, Red talks with her about it and she reveals that her family was killed by similar madness.(I don't know how I feel about this) She urges him to seek help, saying that treatments involving a dream dimension were sometimes effective (This sentence could be tighter).

 

Later, Red enters a dream dimension using a special vehicle for traveling out-of-body called a 'Light Body.' While there, he separates completely from the inner voice. After returning to his body, Red discovers just how much he's always relied on the inner voice when two men come to kill him. When the voice, in the shape of a giant purple panther, shows up to save Red, he uses his Talent to trap the assassins and panther in another dimension. As the panther falls through the portal, it pulls Red's Light Body in too (what does this mean? so now Red can't travel to dream worlds?).

 

Unwilling to kill the assassins, Red enlists the panther to help him trap them in the dream dimension.  After trapping them, the panther chases Red's Light Body across several other dimensions. At the same time, his physical self struggles to explain what's happening to Mage Sanctum Masters and keep Sylia happy. The panther catches Red's Light Body even as Red pushes Sylia into reporting his madness (he tells her to report him? what? Also I definitely don't like this use of "madness" here..

 

Red identifies the "Panther" as a self-aware spell-construct and then determines a way to use it that doesn't involve driving him insane(so he doesn't have clinical paranoia after all? he was never mentally ill :/ I hope this is addressed better in the book). He absorbs the core of the spell, but creates a physical 'Panther.' Red returns with the panther and assassins to Zitera. A fight ensues and the panther and one assassin kill each other while Red defeats the other. Red's Light Body, paranoia spell, and physical body merge once more.

 

After Red receives medical attention following his ordeal, he's the subject of an Official Investigation. He explains that the 'madness' is the dead Panther (so not only was the mentally ill character "not really mentally ill" but he's also cured! yikes. I hate cure narratives), and learns that Sylia also healed brain damage that hampered his ability to trust (a DOUBLE cure narrative? Really? Also the mention of brain damage comes out of left field). When the Investigation results come out, Red's required to undergo a procedure that will ensure he's mentally stable before he can continue his education. He refuses, and leaves the Mage Sanctum (why does he refuse? eh's cured now?).

 

 

I feel like the good part of this is that the synopsis is focused, and the main issue is just with wording or somethings being confusing. On the other hand, if you're disabled yourself, I guess it's your call about the story (maybe the book itself is more nuanced), but if you aren't, I really suggest looking into the issues with cure narratives because this really sets off warning signs for me that people are going to be really hurt by this.


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