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#1 GeorgeIsCurious

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Posted 13 March 2018 - 03:58 PM

UPDATE  BELOW!!!

 

Sixteen-year-old Milas’ sole desire is to be a Hunter. They are the protectors of their village, harnessing ancestral powers to embody the abilities of the forest animals unique to each family. Not to mention, they are all around badasses. But when Milas chooses not to kill a rabbit in the final stage of his trial, he fails the test and is labeled a Gatherer.

 

After invaders break through the impenetrable Great Forest and attack his village, the Hunters beat them back, but not without amassing a large number of casualties. Worse, Milas’ brother and only family, Aram, never returned from the hunt he set off on just before the attack. The village leadership rule that Milas must remain under watch as the last surviving member of his clan, but he refuses to accept that his brother died. Against their orders, Milas sneaks out into the Great Forest to find his brother.

 

Now branded a criminal in the eyes of his village, the deadly and fierce Hunters that Milas once respected mark him as prey. But although he failed his trial, Milas inherited the powers of his clan’s rabbit spirit and has kept them hidden. The Hunters will stop at nothing to find him and he will stop at nothing to save his brother. And there is no telling what dangers the Great Forest has in store for them all.

 

[Title of Book] is a YA Fantasy novel complete at 82,000 words. It would appeal to fans of Adrian Tchaikovsky’s THE HUNTER AND THE WOLF and Naomi Novak’s UPROOTED. I am a Lebanese-American graduate student living in the Boston area. My novel explores the clash between culture and globalism influenced by my studies in Chinese and Middle Eastern Politics.



#2 Bibliophyl

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Posted 13 March 2018 - 04:08 PM

Hope I can be helpful!

 

Sixteen-year-old Milas’ sole desire is to be a Hunter. They are the protectors of their village, harnessing ancestral powers to embody the abilities of the forest animals unique to each family. Not to mention, they are all around badasses. The tone of this sentence is a lot more casual/flippant than what you've established so far--not a problem if that is how the book is written, but just want you to be aware of how it comes off.  But when Milas chooses not to kill a rabbit in the final stage of his trial, he fails the test and is labeled a Gatherer. What's his motivation for doing this? Squeamish? Is the rabbit cute? Motivation would help strengthen our view of the character. 

 

After invaders break through the impenetrable Great Forest and attack his village, the Hunters beat them back, but not without amassing a large number of casualties. Worse, Milas’ brother and only family, Aram, never returned from the hunt he set off on just before the attack. I don't think you need to name his brother--it's best to reduce names in queries where possible.  The village leadership rules that Milas must remain under watch as the last surviving member of his clan, but he refuses to accept that his brother died. Against their orders, Milas sneaks out into the Great Forest to find his brother.

 

Now branded a criminal in the eyes of his village, the deadly and fierce Hunters that Milas once respected mark him as prey. But although he failed his trial, Milas inherited the powers of his clan’s rabbit spirit and has kept them hidden. The highlighted part read a little awkwardly to me. Also, can you elaborate a bit on his powers? What advantage do they give him in finding his brother? The Hunters will stop at nothing to find him and he will stop at nothing to save his brother. And there is no telling what dangers the Great Forest has in store for them all.

 

[Title of Book] is a YA Fantasy novel complete at 82,000 words. It would appeal to fans of Adrian Tchaikovsky’s THE HUNTER AND THE WOLF and Naomi Novak’s UPROOTED. I am a Lebanese-American graduate student living in the Boston area. My novel explores the clash between culture and globalism influenced by my studies in Chinese and Middle Eastern Politics. I like that you make a connection between your writing and your studies. Is any of the culture in your book influenced by Chinese or Middle Eastern cultures? If so (esp if it's Middle Eastern since you're Lebanese-American), that would be another great thing to mention that could engage the agent. 



#3 TeaTime

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Posted 13 March 2018 - 05:13 PM

Sixteen-year-old Milas’ sole desire is to be a Hunter. They are the (Maybe just say "Hunters") protectors of their village, harnessing ancestral powers to embody the abilities of the forest animals unique to each family. Not to mention, they are all around badasses. (I'm personally not a fan of this line/tone, but some agents might like it. There might be a better way to personalize why he wants to be a Hunter.) But when Milas chooses not to kill a rabbit in the final stage of his trial (I agree with Bibliophyl, it would be great to see his personal reason for not doing this), he fails the test and is labeled a Gatherer.

 

After invaders (This is a pretty big deal that doesn't really get mentioned again. Who are these invaders? People? Super people?) break through the impenetrable (Maybe saying that it was "thought" to be impenetrable, as something that has been penetrated isn't impenetrable) Great Forest and attack his village, the Hunters beat them back, but not without amassing a large number of casualties. Worse, Milas’ brother and only family, Aram, never returned from the hunt he set off on just before the attack. The village leadership rules that Milas must remain under watch as the last surviving member of his clan (What does this mean? That they don't want to endanger him as the last member of his clan to preserve the clan & animal power?), but he refuses to accept that his brother died. Against their orders, Milas sneaks out into the Great Forest to find his brother.

 

Now branded a criminal in the eyes of his village, the deadly and fierce Hunters that Milas once respected mark him as prey (This ... doesn't make sense to me. Now they're willing to kill him? But what about being the last of his clan? And don't they have bigger concerns since they just fended off an unexpected invasion/attack?). But although he failed his trial, Milas inherited the powers of his clan’s rabbit spirit and has kept them hidden (Now this ... This is way more interesting to me than all of the other action going on. If he's been aware of his powers all the time, I would include this right away, or close to, & have that be an internal struggle Milas has to deal with). The Hunters will stop at nothing to find him and he will stop at nothing to save his brother. And there is no telling what dangers the Great Forest has in store for them all.

 

[Title of Book] is a YA Fantasy novel complete at 82,000 words. It would appeal to fans of Adrian Tchaikovsky’s THE HUNTER AND THE WOLF and Naomi Novak’s UPROOTED. I am a Lebanese-American graduate student living in the Boston area. My novel explores the clash between culture and globalism influenced by my studies in Chinese and Middle Eastern Politics. (Normally I would say cut these last two lines, but you seem to indicate they're important to the story. However, the query hasn't really communicated any culture/globalism clashes. If the story has them, I would rework the query to show that.)

 

On the whole I think there's a lot of potential in this story's premise. I really like the idea that Milas "passes" (maybe?) his culture's test by having the rabbit spirit, but keeps it hidden from his tribe that gives him a failing grade. Good luck on all of the editing processes.


Feel Free to Check Out My Current Query Letter Here, Thank You


#4 Keeppositive

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Posted 13 March 2018 - 06:57 PM

Sixteen-year-old Milas’ sole desire is to be a Hunter. They are the protectors of their village, harnessing ancestral powers to embody the abilities of the forest animals unique to each family. Not to mention, they are all around badasses. But when Milas chooses not to kill a rabbit in the final stage of his trial, he fails the test and is labeled a Gatherer. Why would he not kill a rabbit? Seems a "low-on-the-animal-hierarchy" to save when your career is on the line.

 

After invaders break through the impenetrable Great Forest and attack his village, the Hunters beat them back, but not without amassing a large number of casualties. Worse, Milas’ brother and only family, Aram, never returned from the hunt he set off on just before the attack. The village leadership rule that Milas must remain under watch as the last surviving member of his clan, but he refuses to accept that his brother died. Against their orders, Milas sneaks out into the Great Forest to find his brother.

 

Now branded a criminal in the eyes of his village, the deadly and fierce Hunters that Milas once respected mark him as prey. But although he failed his trial, Milas inherited the powers of his clan’s rabbit spirit and has kept them hidden. (Oh, THAT's why he saved the rabbit!!) The Hunters will stop at nothing to find him and he will stop at nothing to save his brother. And there is no telling what dangers the Great Forest has in store for them all.

 

[Title of Book] is a YA Fantasy novel complete at 82,000 words. It would appeal to fans of Adrian Tchaikovsky’s THE HUNTER AND THE WOLF and Naomi Novak’s UPROOTED. I am a Lebanese-American graduate student living in the Boston area. My novel explores the clash between culture and globalism influenced by my studies in Chinese and Middle Eastern Politics.

 

I like the premise, and it's easy to follow. Consider explaining the appeal to save the rabbit in the first paragraph instead of the second so he doesn't appear "wimpy." I like the storyline; as a former middle-school and high school teacher, the plot appeals to your target audience. Good luck!



#5 GeorgeIsCurious

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Posted 13 March 2018 - 07:27 PM

Sixteen-year-old Milas’ sole desire is to be a Hunter. They are the protectors of their village, harnessing ancestral powers to embody the abilities of the forest animals. But when Milas refuses to kill a rabbit during his trial, he fails the test and is labeled a Gatherer. The villagers never suspect that he still manages to inherit his clan’s ancestral rabbit spirit.

 

When, for the first time, invaders break through village defenses, the clans discover they are not alone in the Great Forest. Worse, Milas’ brother and only family never returns from the hunt he embarked on just before the attack. As last of his clan, the village leadership rules that Milas must remain under watch, but he sneaks out against the orders to find his brother.

 

Branded a criminal, Milas becomes prey for the Hunters that he once respected. They will stop at nothing to find him while he will stop at nothing to save his brother. But the invaders are not finished. Beyond the Great Forest lies a threat far greater than any villager can imagine, a powerful tribe that mercilessly captures and enslaves other villages. And the only obstacle in their way to ruling the continent is Milas and the Hunters.

 

[Still Deciding on Title] is a YA Fantasy novel complete at 82,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Leigh Bardugo’s SHADOW AND BONE and Adrian Tchaikovsky’s THE TIGER AND THE WOLF. I am a Lebanese-American graduate student living in the Boston area. My novel explores the dangers of neo-colonialism as influenced by my studies in Middle Eastern politics.



#6 GeorgeIsCurious

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Posted 13 March 2018 - 07:28 PM

Thank you!!! Is there a query you want me to critique?

Sixteen-year-old Milas’ sole desire is to be a Hunter. They are the protectors of their village, harnessing ancestral powers to embody the abilities of the forest animals unique to each family. Not to mention, they are all around badasses. But when Milas chooses not to kill a rabbit in the final stage of his trial, he fails the test and is labeled a Gatherer. Why would he not kill a rabbit? Seems a "low-on-the-animal-hierarchy" to save when your career is on the line.

 

After invaders break through the impenetrable Great Forest and attack his village, the Hunters beat them back, but not without amassing a large number of casualties. Worse, Milas’ brother and only family, Aram, never returned from the hunt he set off on just before the attack. The village leadership rule that Milas must remain under watch as the last surviving member of his clan, but he refuses to accept that his brother died. Against their orders, Milas sneaks out into the Great Forest to find his brother.

 

Now branded a criminal in the eyes of his village, the deadly and fierce Hunters that Milas once respected mark him as prey. But although he failed his trial, Milas inherited the powers of his clan’s rabbit spirit and has kept them hidden. (Oh, THAT's why he saved the rabbit!!) The Hunters will stop at nothing to find him and he will stop at nothing to save his brother. And there is no telling what dangers the Great Forest has in store for them all.

 

[Title of Book] is a YA Fantasy novel complete at 82,000 words. It would appeal to fans of Adrian Tchaikovsky’s THE HUNTER AND THE WOLF and Naomi Novak’s UPROOTED. I am a Lebanese-American graduate student living in the Boston area. My novel explores the clash between culture and globalism influenced by my studies in Chinese and Middle Eastern Politics.

 

I like the premise, and it's easy to follow. Consider explaining the appeal to save the rabbit in the first paragraph instead of the second so he doesn't appear "wimpy." I like the storyline; as a former middle-school and high school teacher, the plot appeals to your target audience. Good luck!



#7 Keeppositive

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Posted 13 March 2018 - 08:19 PM

http://agentquerycon...ountingplusone/

 

 

Thanks, GeorgeisCurious for your offer to critique. I accept ;)

 

Hope your manuscript gets picked up. I am not usually a fan of fantasy and struggle to critique them, but your writing is succinct and clear, so I could follow it well. I look forward to seeing it published! :)



#8 ALNoelle

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Posted 14 March 2018 - 02:41 PM

I love your query! Your writing is clear-cut and engaging. Well done!

Sixteen-year-old Milas’ sole desire is to be a Hunter. They are the protectors of their village, harnessing ancestral powers to embody the abilities of the forest animals. But when Milas refuses to kill a rabbit during his trial, he fails the test and is labeled a Gatherer. The villagers never suspect that he still manages to inherit his clan’s ancestral rabbit spirit.  My only question here, why is killing a rabbit *the big test*? Is it any animal and he just happened upon a Rabbit? Does he need to kill a specific animal so that he embodies that particular animal's spirit? This was my only point of confusion.

 

When, for the first time, invaders break through village defenses, the clans discover they are not alone in the Great Forest. Worse, Milas’ brother and only family never returns from the hunt he embarked on just before the attack. As last of his clan, the village leadership rules that Milas must remain under watch, but he sneaks out against the orders to find his brother.

 

Branded a criminal, Milas becomes prey for the Hunters that he once respected. They will stop at nothing to find him while he will stop at nothing to save his brother. But the invaders are not finished. Beyond the Great Forest lies a threat far greater than any villager can imagine, a powerful tribe that mercilessly captures and enslaves other villages. And the only obstacle in their way to ruling the continent is Milas and the Hunters.

 

[Still Deciding on Title] is a YA Fantasy novel complete at 82,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Leigh Bardugo’s SHADOW AND BONE and Adrian Tchaikovsky’s THE TIGER AND THE WOLF. I am a Lebanese-American graduate student living in the Boston area. My novel explores the dangers of neo-colonialism as influenced by my studies in Middle Eastern politics.

 

Love it! I see this doing well!



#9 PureZhar3

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Posted 17 March 2018 - 10:42 AM

Sixteen-year-old Milas’ sole desire is to be a Hunter. They are the protectors of their village, harnessing ancestral powers to embody ​is embody really the word you're looking for? something like "encapsulate" seems to make more sense the abilities of the forest animals. But when Milas refuses to kill a rabbit during his ​Hunter trial, he fails the test and is labeled a Gatherer. The villagers never suspect that he still manages to inherit his clan’s ancestral rabbit spirit.

 

When, for the first time, invaders break through village defenses, the clans discover they are not alone in the Great Forest. Worse, Milas’ brother and only family never returns from the hunt he embarked on just before the attack. As last of his clan ​can you say bloodline? that would make things clearer, the village leadership rules that Milas must remain under watch, but he sneaks out against the orders to find his brother.

 

Branded a criminal, Milas becomes prey for the Hunters that he once respected. They will stop at nothing to find him while he will stop at nothing to save his brother. But the invaders are not finished. Beyond the Great Forest lies a threat far greater than any villager can imagine, a powerful tribe that mercilessly captures and enslaves other villages. And the only obstacle in their way to ruling the continent is Milas and the Hunters.

 

[Still Deciding on Title] is a YA Fantasy novel complete at 82,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Leigh Bardugo’s SHADOW AND BONE and Adrian Tchaikovsky’s THE TIGER AND THE WOLF. I am a Lebanese-American graduate student living in the Boston area. My novel explores the dangers of neo-colonialism as influenced by my studies in Middle Eastern politics.

​Fascinating! This is pretty good, though it does seem to be missing that "umph" factor. Not sure why that is. A few phrasings didn't quite make sense to me, so I suggested edits.


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#10 A.M.Rose

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Posted 17 March 2018 - 07:14 PM

This sounds like an amazing story. I think the only part you really need to work on is the last little bit.

 

As last of his clan, the village leadership rules that Milas must remain under watch, but he sneaks out against the orders to find his brother. (Since you say he's going to save his brother below I'd consider rephrasing this a little. As last of his clan the village leadership rules Milas must remain under their watch, but he can't sit around while someone he loves is in danger.

 

Branded a criminal for leaving the village, Milas becomes prey for the Hunters that he once respected. They will stop at nothing to find him while he will stop at nothing to save his brother. But the invaders are not finished. Beyond the Great Forest lies a threat far greater than any villager can imagine, a powerful tribe that mercilessly captures and enslaves other villages. And the only obstacle in their way to ruling the continent is Milas and the Hunters.

These last two sentences don't really tell me the stakes. What does Milas stand to lose if he doesn't get his brother? I'm betting he will lose his brother, possibly lose his home and maybe even die trying to find him. Those are stakes personal to the character and what you are missing and will make the reader really care about the story.

 

Again... this sounds amazing! Best of luck to you! 


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#11 AndrewF

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Posted 17 March 2018 - 10:45 PM

Sixteen-year-old Milas’ sole desire is to be a Hunter. They are the protectors of their village, harnessing ancestral powers to embody the abilities of the forest animals. But when Milas refuses to kill a rabbit during his trial, he fails the test and is labeled a Gatherer. The villagers never suspect that he still manages to inherit his clan’s ancestral rabbit spirit.

 

When, for the first time, invaders break through village defenses, the clans discover they are not alone in the Great Forest. Worse, Milas’ brother and only family never returns from the hunt he embarked on just before the attack. As last of his clan, the village leadership rules that Milas must remain under watch, but he sneaks out against the orders to find his brother.

 

Branded a criminal, Milas becomes prey for the Hunters that he once respected. They will stop at nothing to find him while he will stop at nothing to save his brother. But the invaders are not finished. Beyond the Great Forest lies a threat far greater than any villager can imagine, a powerful tribe that mercilessly captures and enslaves other villages. And the only obstacle in their way to ruling the continent is Milas and the Hunters.

 

[Still Deciding on Title] is a YA Fantasy novel complete at 82,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Leigh Bardugo’s SHADOW AND BONE and Adrian Tchaikovsky’s THE TIGER AND THE WOLF. I am a Lebanese-American graduate student living in the Boston area. My novel explores the dangers of neo-colonialism as influenced by my studies in Middle Eastern politics.

 

Is the larger threat Europeans? Or is this during the time of American or the expansion of the 13 colonies into the west? I'm also curious what powers the rabbit spirit grants. As for the query it reads fine to me, i'm sure other people can give you better advice. You should come up with a title soon though



#12 IndusiumGriseum

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Posted 17 March 2018 - 11:58 PM

Sixteen-year-old Milas’ sole desire is to be a Hunter. They are the protectors of their village, harnessing ancestral powers to embody the abilities of the forest animals. But when Milas refuses to kill a rabbit during his trial, he fails the test and is labeled a Gatherer. (LOVE how you showed your MC's struggle right out of the gate!) The villagers never suspect that he still manages to inherit his clan’s ancestral rabbit spirit.

 

When, for the first time, invaders break through village defenses, the clans discover they are not alone in the Great Forest. Worse, Milas’ brother and only family never returns from the hunt he embarked on just before the attack. As last of his clan, (Might be a bit cliche, depending) the village leadership rules that Milas must remain under watch, but he sneaks out against the orders to find his brother.

 

Branded a criminal, (Another one of those "could be cliche" phrases) Milas becomes prey for the Hunters that he once respected. They will stop at nothing to find him while he will stop at nothing to save his brother. But the invaders are not finished. Beyond the Great Forest lies a threat far greater than any villager can imagine, a powerful tribe that mercilessly captures and enslaves other villages. And the only obstacle in their way to ruling the continent is Milas and the Hunters.

 

[Still Deciding on Title] is a YA Fantasy novel complete at 82,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Leigh Bardugo’s SHADOW AND BONE and Adrian Tchaikovsky’s THE TIGER AND THE WOLF. I am a Lebanese-American graduate student living in the Boston area. (You don't need to mention where you're living unless it relates to the book somehow.) My novel explores the dangers of neo-colonialism as influenced by my studies in Middle Eastern politics. (You could even merge the last two sentences together to save space if you wanted.)

 

This sounds like an amazing story! So original, high-stakes and emotionally-charged!


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#13 kmscott19

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Posted 18 March 2018 - 08:44 AM

Sixteen-year-old Milas’ sole desire is [wants might be a better choice] to be a Hunter. They are the protectors of their village, harnessing ancestral powers to embody the abilities of the forest animals. But when Milas refuses to kill a rabbit during his trial, he fails the test and is labeled a Gatherer. The villagers never suspect that he still manages to inherit his clan’s ancestral rabbit spirit. [How does he manage this? Did the rabbit spirit choose to give it to him as he didn’t kill the rabbit he was after? It does work as is, just IMO]

 

 When, for the first time, invaders break through village defenses, the clans discover they are not alone in the Great Forest. Worse, Milas’ brother and only family never returns from the hunt he embarked on just before the attack. As last of his clan [I agree withPureZhar3, bloodline might be clearer], the village leadership rules that Milas must remain under watch, but he sneaks out against the orders to find his brother.

 

 Branded a criminal, Milas becomes prey for the Hunters that he once respected. They will stop at nothing to find him while he will stop at nothing to save his brother. But the invaders are not finished. Beyond the Great Forest lies a threat far greater than any villager can imagine, a powerful tribe that mercilessly captures and enslaves other villages. And the only obstacle in their way to ruling the continent is Milas and the Hunters.

 

 [Still Deciding on Title] is a YA Fantasy novel complete at 82,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Leigh Bardugo’s SHADOW AND BONE and Adrian Tchaikovsky’s THE TIGER AND THE WOLF. I am a Lebanese-American graduate student living in the Boston area. My novel explores the dangers of neo-colonialism as influenced by my studies in Middle Eastern politics.

 

 

I like it. Sounds cool! Reminds me a little of Kelley Armstrong’s SEA OF SHADOWS trilogy with the spirits and tribes.

For the title, depending on what powers Milas receives from the rabbit spirit, my suggestion would be to put that into the title. And if it helps, if an agent doesn’t like the title, they’ll change it anyway so there’s no pressure on picking one

Good luck!



#14 AnnDayleview

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Posted 18 March 2018 - 11:21 AM

Sixteen-year-old Milas’ sole desire [wants sounds a bit more 16] is to be a Hunter. [A protector of the village...]They are the protectors of their village, harnessing ancestral powers to embody the abilities of the forest animals. But when Milas refuses to kill a rabbit during his trial, he fails the test and is labeled a Gatherer. The villagers never suspect that he still manages to inherit his clan’s ancestral rabbit spirit. [interesting! I'm wondering if you can add a tidbit on how. Like inherit through...]

 

When, for the first time [ consider moving to the end for flow], invaders break through village defenses [clarify they attack and not just walk around], the clans discover they are not alone in the Great Forest. Worse, Milas’ brother and only family never returns from the hunt he embarked on just before the attack. As last of his clan, the village leadership rules that Milas must remain under watch, but he sneaks out against the orders to find his brother. [I'm a bit lost here. Not sure what his brother has to do with Milas's rabbit spirit. Consider setting it up as Milas wanting to be a Hunter like his brother. Also why do the villagers suspect Milas? This line is a bit unclear.]

 

Branded a criminal, Milas becomes prey for the Hunters that he once respected. They will stop at nothing to find him while he will stop at nothing to save his brother. [The relationship between Milas and his brother needs to be tightened up and the reasoning for the Hunters to turn on Milas needs to be clearer] But the invaders are not finished. Beyond the Great Forest lies a threat far greater than any villager can imagine [be a bit more specific here, "great threat" is not going to stand out], a powerful tribe that mercilessly captures and enslaves other villages. And the only obstacle in their way to ruling the continent is Milas and the Hunters. [Sounds a bit like Apocalypto]

 

[Still Deciding on Title] [I suggest you just go with something and change it after you get an agent if you need to] is a YA Fantasy novel complete at 82,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Leigh Bardugo’s SHADOW AND BONE and Adrian Tchaikovsky’s THE TIGER AND THE WOLF [nice comp!]. I am a Lebanese-American graduate student living in the Boston area. My novel explores the dangers of neo-colonialism as influenced by my studies in Middle Eastern politics.

 

Sounds like you have a great story here, just need to tighten up the query. The bit about the rabbit spirit gets a bit lost. If it's important make sure you hint at how it comes into play. Hope it helps!



#15 yawriter

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Posted 21 March 2018 - 12:12 PM

Sixteen-year-old Milas’ sole desire is to be a Hunter. They are the protectors of their village, harnessing ancestral powers to embody the abilities of the forest animals. Pretty cool concept...reminds me of animorphs!  But when Milas refuses to kill a rabbit during his trial, he fails the test and is labeled a Gatherer I feel like this is already out of character...he wants to be a HUNTER....wouldn't he go into it expecting to ..HUNT??? This is confusing...Only my opinion of course. The villagers never suspect that he still manages to inherit his clan’s ancestral rabbit spirit. So he couldn't kill a rabbit because he...is one? If the test had him kill a deer, would he have the same reaction or only because it was a rabbit? Clarification here would be nice.

 

When, for the first time, invaders break through village defenses for the first time, the clans discover they are not alone in the Great Forest. Worse, Milas’ brother and only family never returns from the hunt he embarked on just before the attack. I feel like you've lost me somewhere around here. As last of his clan, the village leadership rules that Milas must remain under watch, but he sneaks out against the orders to find his brother. Please let me know when you've reedited, I would like to look at the last paragraph with fresh eyes. 

 

Branded a criminal, Milas becomes prey for the Hunters that he once respected. They will stop at nothing to find him while he will stop at nothing to save his brother. But the invaders are not finished. Beyond the Great Forest lies a threat far greater than any villager can imagine, a powerful tribe that mercilessly captures and enslaves other villages. And the only obstacle in their way to ruling the continent is Milas and the Hunters.

 

[Still Deciding on Title] is a YA Fantasy novel complete at 82,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Leigh Bardugo’s SHADOW AND BONE and Adrian Tchaikovsky’s THE TIGER AND THE WOLF. I am a Lebanese-American graduate student living in the Boston area. My novel explores the dangers of neo-colonialism as influenced by my studies in Middle Eastern politics.

 

Please take a look at my query when you get the chance! http://agentqueryconnect.com/index.php?/topic/38448-the-citys-whispers-please-help/?p=352436


Query- The City's Whispers: http://agentquerycon...critique-back/ 

Query-TOOWCHM: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

Synopsis- The City's Whispers: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

First 250 words: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

 


#16 ltlibrarian

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Posted 21 March 2018 - 08:08 PM

Sixteen-year-old Milas’ sole desire is to be a Hunter. They are the protectors of their village, harnessing ancestral powers to embody the abilities of the forest animals. But when Milas refuses to kill a rabbit during his trial, he fails the test and is labeled a Gatherer. The villagers never suspect that he still manages to inherit his clan’s ancestral rabbit spirit. - this starts out well, I just feel like the hook falls flat with the last sentence. I want to know the consequence of him being a gatherer, or what he plans to do to change that, or something that speaks to what he's going to be trying to do in the book. What's driving him?

 

When, for the first time, invaders break through village defenses, the clans discover they are not alone in the Great Forest. Worse, Milas’ brother and only family never returns from the hunt he embarked on just before the attack. As last of his clan, the village leadership rules that Milas must remain under watch, but he sneaks out against the orders to find his brother. - looks good to me. I only got slightly confused by the last of his clan, because clan made me think it was the entire village, then I realized it was specifically his family. If no one else is confused then i'm sure it's fine.

 

Branded a criminal, Milas becomes prey for the Hunters that he once respected. They will stop at nothing to find him while he will stop at nothing to save his brother. But the invaders are not finished. Beyond the Great Forest lies a threat far greater than any villager can imagine, a powerful tribe that mercilessly captures and enslaves other villages. And the only obstacle in their way to ruling the continent is Milas and the Hunters. - here I'm a bit lost. Why is he so important that they're using all these resources to get him back? what's so special about his clan? why not just leave him and concentrate on the invaders?

 

[Still Deciding on Title] is a YA Fantasy novel complete at 82,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Leigh Bardugo’s SHADOW AND BONE and Adrian Tchaikovsky’s THE TIGER AND THE WOLF. I am a Lebanese-American graduate student living in the Boston area. My novel explores the dangers of neo-colonialism as influenced by my studies in Middle Eastern politics. - this last bit is very interesting, would intrigue me for sure

 

Overall, I liked the query. It seems like it's very nearly there. The only difficulty is there's no clear reason why the villagers are putting so much effort into getting Milas back. Does something bad happen if a single clan dies off?? Also, I wouldn't mention the rabbit spirit in the beginning if you're not going to address it at any other point in the query.

 

That's about it! If you have time I would very much appreciate any feedback on my query here: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/


Looking for feedback on my query, will return the favour!

 

Website: http://ltlibrarian.com - book reviews, round-ups, quotes, writing tips, etc.

Twitter: @lunchtimelib

 





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