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Quincy Jones & The Titans Wrath(Middle grade Fantasy)


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#1 Math_a_you

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Posted 13 March 2018 - 04:15 PM

1   

The voices

 

when the doorbell rings at three in the morning it is never to bring good news.

This is something that young Quincy Jones did not know but would soon discover.

Quincy was awakened by the first chime but he did not open his eyes until he heard the knocking. It was a great pounding sound like someone beating a large bass drum. Suddenly the door across the hall from his bedroom creaked open.

“I’m coming! Hold on to your horses. I’m coming!” The voice belonged to Ms. Mumlin, the Jones family beloved housekeeper.

She was a short portly woman, with small beady eyes and a face that always seemed bothered. Yet if you were to ask anyone who knew her they would only describe her in a kind manner.

The housekeeper stumbled sleepily to the stairs, yawning and wondering just who could be arriving at such a late hour? The Jones's had gone away on business and were not set to return until tomorrow afternoon. Surely they would have let her know if they were arriving this early. Still onward she stumbled towards the door, tired yet curious nonetheless.

Quincy heard the sound of the front door being unlocked... and then came the voices. If he was guessing correctly it seemed to be three.

Ms. Mumlin and two others that he didn’t recognize.

They were faint and Quincy could barely make out what was being said.

Still, even as a eleven year old boy, he somehow knew something was very wrong.

 


#2 michaelblaine

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Posted 15 March 2018 - 08:57 AM

Here are just a few suggestions. 

 

As always:  I'm not a professional editor or author, so take my notes for what they're worth - I realize that some grammatical corrections are personal preference.

 

**One last edit:  I'm curious how involved your story has become with the name Quincy Jones.  Not a big deal, but it's also the name of a famous Hollywood composer and producer.  Just a thought.

 

1   

The Voices

 

when (I would replace "When" with "Anytime", or maybe "Almost always, when") the doorbell rings at three in the morning, it is never (not) to bring good news.  This is something that young Quincy Jones did not know, but would soon discover.

----->Quincy was awakened by the first chime, but he did not open his eyes until he heard the knocking. It was a great pounding sound like someone beating a large bass drum. (Was it a knocking or a pounding like a bass drum?  They seem like two completely distinct sounds) Suddenly the door across the hall from his bedroom creaked open. (If the door is creaking open, I don't imagine it happening suddenly.  I would probably look for a better word choice here)

----->“I’m coming! Hold on to your horses. I’m coming!” The voice belonged to Ms. Mumlin, the Jones family beloved housekeeper.

----->She was a short portly woman, with small beady eyes, and a face that (an expression that) always seemed bothered. Yet if you were to ask anyone who knew her they would only describe her in a kind manner. (However, anyone who knew her would only describe her in a kind manner.)

----->The housekeeper stumbled sleepily (I try to avoid adverbs, when possible.  Removing this word will not affect her mood, as you've explained that she is yawning) to the stairs, yawning and wondering just who could be arriving at such a late hour?.  The Jones's (you may want to indicate who the Jones's are - Quincy's parents, maybe?) had gone away on business and were not set to return until tomorrow afternoon. Surely they would have let her know if they were arriving this early. Still onward ("Still onward" seems like an awkward word choice.  You may want to consider changing this) she stumbled towards the door, tired yet curious nonetheless.

Quincy heard the sound of the front door being unlocked... and then came the voices. If he was guessing correctly, it (there) seemed to be three.

----->Ms. Mumlin, (add comma here to avoid confusion/misreading) and two others that he didn’t recognize.  They (The voices) were faint and Quincy could barely make out what was being said.  Still, even as a (mere) eleven year old boy (the reader already knows that he is a boy.  I personally would omit this modifier), he somehow knew something was very wrong.



#3 Math_a_you

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Posted 17 March 2018 - 02:53 PM

Here are just a few suggestions. 

 

As always:  I'm not a professional editor or author, so take my notes for what they're worth - I realize that some grammatical corrections are personal preference.

 

**One last edit:  I'm curious how involved your story has become with the name Quincy Jones.  Not a big deal, but it's also the name of a famous Hollywood composer and producer.  Just a thought.

Thanks this helps a lot! The story actually has a new opening now though lol. I found out this opening was too close to one already done in the Alex Rider series. 






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