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YA Fantasy Synopsis; My CP just got agented and I will critique back!


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#1 GeorgeIsCurious

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Posted 14 March 2018 - 07:34 AM

In MILAS’ village, society is divided between hunters and gatherers. The hunters scavenge for food beyond the village walls, respected for their bravery. Gatherers serve every other function from blacksmith to baker. All Milas wants is to be a hunter like his older brother, ARAM. Insulated within the Great Forest, clans dominate village politics, families connected by blood as well as their bonds to various animal spirits: eagle, snake, bear, rabbit and more. Turning fifteen, Milas embarks on his bonding test to determine if he inherits his family’s rabbit bond, gaining all the abilities of the animal in agility and wit. But he fails during the last challenge when he cannot bring himself to kill an injured rabbit.

 

Milas adapts to his life as a gatherer. Only he’s different from other gatherers. Despite having failed the test, he bonded with the rabbit spirit, and the villagers shun him for it. But shortly after Aram sets out on a hunt, the village is attacked. Worse, Aram never returns. That leaves Milas as one of the last survivors of his clan, which prompts the village council ― of which his grandfather and only surviving relative is the leader ― to hold him against his will. But Aram means the world to Milas, so he escapes to find his brother. Pursued by hunters, he flees into the Great Forest, only to be captured by two of the invaders. Together, they journey to First City, a massive settlement whose expansion rests on having conquered smaller villages like Milas’.

 

Once there, Milas is sold off to fight in an arena for sport. He barely survives his first fight and upon victory, he is taken to meet the BLESSED ONE, the settlement’s young ruler. Milas runs into his grandfather at the gathering and learns his village is to be absorbed by First City. Nights later, a hunter sneaks into Milas’ cage and they stage a temporary escape under the cover of night, knowing that they must return before daybreak or risk capture. While out, the hunter convinces Milas to help murder the second highest ranking member of the Blessed One’s council. Proving himself reliable, the council member who purchased Milas reveals himself to be the leader of a growing rebellion. Milas learns another rebel is the daughter of the man who captured Milas, AZURA. In the encounter, they reveal a plan to strike during the coming celebration for the Blessed One. In the weeks leading up to the event, they train Milas.

 

To mark the celebration, Milas steps into arena with nineteen other warriors. But just before the fight, the Blessed One executes Milas’ councillor, the leader of the rebellion. Worse, the warrior that kills the councillor is Aram. The battle begins and Milas realizes the plan is no more. Taking matters into his own hands, he begins launching weapons at the Blessed One, throwing the event into chaos. The resistance springs to Milas’ defence and the ensuing battle causes echoes of rebellion to sprout all over First City. Under the Blessed One’s control, Aram attacks and beats Milas, but their grandfather steps in, sacrificing himself. The Blessed One flees and Milas also escapes, only to be captured by rebels once the battle is won. Imprisoned, he learns that Aram died, and that the rebels sought not to free the city, but to control it. Azura reveals herself to be the mastermind behind the rebellion, their true leader all along.

 


#2 Author CJ Black

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Posted 27 March 2018 - 10:16 PM

In MILAS’ village, society is divided between Hunters and Gatherers (capitalize both of these). The hunters scavenge for food beyond the village walls, respected for their bravery. Gatherers serve every other function from blacksmith to baker -- This reads a bit awkward. All Milas wants is to be a hunter like his older brother, ARAM. Insulated within the Great Forest,---What does this forest protect them from, if anything?  clans dominate village politics, families connected by blood as well as their bonds to various animal spirits: eagle, snake, bear, rabbit and more. Turning fifteen, On his fifteenth birthday, Milas embarks on his bonding test to determine if he inherits his family’s rabbit bond, gaining all the abilities of the animal in agility and wit. --I like this concept! But he fails during the last challenge when he cannot bring himself to kill an injured rabbit. Wait...if he is supposed to be bonded to Rabbits, why would he be made to kill one, let alone an injured one?

 

Milas adapts to his life as a Gatherer.---This probably wouldn't be so easy for him to take.  How is he feeling?   Only he’s different from other gatherers. Despite having failed the test, he bonded with the rabbit spirit, and the villagers shun him for it. -- Why? This should be truly impressive to the village.   But Shortly after Aram sets out on a hunt, the village is attacked and Aram never returns. That leaves Milas as one of the last survivors of his clan, which prompts the village council ― of which his grandfather and only surviving relative is the leader ― This reads a bit awkward and the grandfather's connection to the council should be mentioned much earlier.  to hold him against his will. Again why?  Do they think he has something to do with the attack or his brother's disappearance?  But Aram means the world to Milas, so he escapes to find his brother. Pursued by hunters, he flees into the Great Forest, only to be captured by two of the invaders. Together, they journey to First City, a massive settlement whose expansion rests on having conquered smaller villages like Milas’. --What type of world are we in?  You use the term first settlement and expansion which makes me think the people are new to this land.  You may wish to clarify this. 

 

Once there, Milas is sold off to fight in an arena for sport. He barely survives his first fight and upon victory, he is taken to meet the BLESSED ONE, the settlement’s young ruler. Why if he lost the fight?  Milas runs into encounters his grandfather --this would seem difficult if Milas is an enslaved arena fighter.--  at the gathering --What gathering?-- and learns his village is to be absorbed by First City. Nights later, a hunter sneaks into Milas’ cage and they stage a temporary escape under the cover of night, knowing that they must return before daybreak or risk capture. While out, the hunter convinces Milas to help murder the second highest ranking member of the Blessed One’s council. Proving himself reliable, the council member who purchased Milas reveals himself to be the leader of a growing rebellion. Milas learns another rebel is the daughter of the man who captured Milas, AZURA. In the encounter, they reveal a plan to strike during the coming celebration for the Blessed One. In the weeks leading up to the event, they train Milas.  This paragraph is confusing.  Who is the hunter?  Who trains him?  The rebel leader?  Someone from Milas' village?  Is he someone Milas knows and/or is he an integral to the story?  It's unlikely Milas would just leave with a stranger.  Why would they only murder the second highest officer?  Who is being proven reliable?  Is the council member who purchased Milas the second in command?  What other rebels?  Was AZURA his purchaser's daughter or one of the city dwellers who captured him?  

 

To mark the celebration, --What celebration?  The annexing of Milas' village? -- Milas steps into the arena with nineteen other warriors. -- It sounds like Miles has a choice.  Does he?  Why is he suddenly given such freedom?  Will this be a melee fight?-- But just before the fight, the Blessed One executes Milas’ councilor (sp), -- again confusing.  The leader of the rebellion. Worse, the warrior that kills the councilor is Aram -- Whos, where did he suddenly come from?  Is he a traitor?  Why is he fighting for the enemy?  The battle begins -- the battle between who?  The rebels and the council?  and Milas realizes the plan is no more -- the rebellion?  How does he come to that conclusion?. Taking matters into his own hands, he begins launching weapons   --this is very awkward.  Is he throwing things at the Blessed One or does he rush into attack with sword drawn?  And it's unlikely the guards will allow him to continually attack unless he's a perfect swordsman -- at the Blessed One, throwing the event into chaos. The resistance springs to Milas’ -- Milas just said the plan was no more, now the rebels are coming to his aide?  defense and the ensuing battle causes echoes of rebellion to sprout all over First City. Under the Blessed One’s control, -- does the Blessed One have some magical power over Aram or some sort of actual leverage?-- Aram attacks and beats Milas, but their grandfather steps in, sacrificing himself. The Blessed One flees and Milas also escapes, only to be captured by rebels -- Milas gets captured a lot.  Are these the same rebels who trained him?  Why are they suddenly the bad guys?  -- once the battle is won. Imprisoned, he learns that Aram died and that the rebels sought not to free the city, but to control it. Azura reveals herself to be the mastermind behind the rebellion, their true leader all along.  

 

 

First, congratulations on getting an agent!  I apologize for all of the red but quite a few things need to be worked on.  It's hard to tell who the good guys and bad guys are.  Not to mention what motivates Milas.  We start out with him and the very interesting premise of spirit animals and suddenly this is set aside and never mentioned again.  Don't include something that isn't integral to the plot, even if you plan to touch on this in future works.  We start with the Blessed One as the villain but we don't know anything about him/her.  Then we find Aram is a traitor but his reasons aren't made clear and then he's dead.  There's no explanation for his actions.  Then we find Azura is the real bad guy but again, we know virtually nothing about her and what motivates her.  The last line is in red because it ends the story quite abruptly.  Do you end the book with Milas sitting in jail?  And we don't know what's going to happen next.  Again, even if this is the first of a series, don't leave the ending on a cliffhanger.  Best of luck to you!


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#3 W.P.

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Posted 07 May 2018 - 07:40 AM

In MILAS’ village, society is divided between hunters and gatherers. The hunters scavenge for food beyond the village walls, respected for their bravery. Gatherers serve every other function from blacksmith to baker. All Milas wants is to be a hunter like his older brother, ARAM. Insulated within the Great Forest, clans dominate village politics, families connected by blood as well as their bonds to various animal spirits: eagle, snake, bear, rabbit and more. Turning fifteen, Milas embarks on his bonding test to determine if he inherits his family’s rabbit bond, gaining all the abilities of the animal in agility and wit. But he fails during the last challenge when he cannot bring himself to kill an injured rabbit. ((this reads as very odd to me. if he has a rabbit bond, why kill a rabbit? why kill the animal he has a bond with? I'm sure it's explained in the novel, but here sounds very strange because we don't have much context))

Milas adapts to his life as a gatherer. Only he’s different from other gatherers. Despite having failed the test, he bonded with the rabbit spirit, ((now I'm confused. did he inherit his family's rabbit bond or did he bond with the actual rabbit whose life he spared?)) and the villagers shun him for it. But shortly after Aram sets out on a hunt, the village is attacked. Worse, Aram never returns. That leaves Milas as one of the last survivors of his clan, which prompts the village council ― of which his grandfather and only surviving relative is the leader ((your novel sounds so cool! I love stories about clans and magic related to animals and brothers fighting for one another. Totally something I'd love to read) ― to hold him against his will. But Aram means the world to Milas, so he escapes to find his brother. Pursued by hunters, he flees into the Great Forest, only to be captured by two of the invaders ((who? you haven't mentioned invaders, if you have then it was very subtle and I didn't notice it. I know the village was attacked, was it attacked by these invaders? Maybe you could mention them in that line about the village being attacked so we know who you mean)). Together, they journey ((although he was "captured" it sounds like he's going along of his own free will? like he's part of it?)) to First City, a massive settlement whose expansion rests on having conquered smaller villages like Milas’.

Once there, Milas is sold off to fight in an arena for sport. He barely survives his first fight and upon victory, he is taken to meet the BLESSED ONE, the settlement’s young ruler. Milas runs into his grandfather at the gathering and learns his village is to be absorbed by First City. ((this whole thing seems to come out of left field. Milas was after his brother but now he's in a tournament somewhere else trying to survive and gets entangled in the politics of that city? I think we might need a bit foreshadow for this? so it doesn't feel like we're reading about a completely different novel. It was about Milas being a hunter and looking for his brother, but now it's a whole different game. different place, different stakes, different characters, different goals.)) Nights later, a hunter sneaks into Milas’ cage and they stage a temporary escape under the cover of night, knowing that they must return before daybreak or risk capture. While out, the hunter convinces Milas to help murder the second highest ranking member of the Blessed One’s council. Proving himself reliable, the council member who purchased Milas reveals himself to be the leader of a growing rebellion. Milas learns another rebel is the daughter of the man who captured Milas, AZURA. In the encounter, they reveal a plan to strike during the coming celebration for the Blessed One. In the weeks leading up to the event, they train Milas.

To mark the celebration, Milas steps into arena with nineteen other warriors. But just before the fight, the Blessed One executes Milas’ councillor, the leader of the rebellion. Worse, the warrior that kills the councillor is Aram. ((Alright, so the brother is back. but I still feel like the story took a turn that felt too sudden and unnatural. If the tournament and the politics between Milas' village and the First City are the main plot points, then I suggest getting to them far sooner. You focused so much on the animal bonds and hunters and gatherers that I thought the story was about that. But now that I get to the climax of the story, I realise you never once mentioned it again and really, although the information is super interesting, it's "novel material" not "synopsis material". You could easily remove it and make your synopsis "tighter".)) The battle begins and Milas realizes the plan is no more. Taking matters into his own hands, he begins launching weapons at the Blessed One, throwing the event into chaos. The resistance springs to Milas’ defence and the ensuing battle causes echoes of rebellion to sprout all over First City. Under the Blessed One’s control, Aram attacks and beats Milas, but their grandfather steps in, sacrificing himself. The Blessed One flees and Milas also escapes, only to be captured by rebels once the battle is won. Imprisoned, he learns that Aram died, and that the rebels sought not to free the city, but to control it. Azura reveals herself to be the mastermind behind the rebellion, their true leader all along. Quite a few twists! Love that. :)




Really enjoyed reading your synopsis. I think the only thing that could be improved is the focus of the synopsis. The first two paragraphs make the novel seem about one thing, then it turns out the focus is something else entirely. I was super confused because I though the plot was about Milas' dream of becoming a hunter and finding his brother and his place in his village as someone who has a rabbit bond. But then it becomes a rebellion-tournament-politics plot and I'm lost.

But one thing is for sure, I was entertained the whole time. Your story sounds super cool. I hope my feedback can be of some use. :)

Link to my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...enuos-children/

#4 cmmg

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Posted 19 May 2018 - 06:40 PM

In MILAS’ village, society is divided between hunters and gatherers. The hunters scavenge for food beyond the village walls, respected for their bravery. Gatherers serve every other function from blacksmith to baker (that's not what gatherer means. A blacksmith does't gather anything. and "hunter gatherer" is a really specific time period before tradespeople, if I'm not mistaken, so this takes place a lot LATER then?). All Milas wants is to be a hunter like his older brother, ARAM. Insulated within the Great Forest, clans dominate village politics (This doesn't feel related to the last sentence), families connected by blood as well as their bonds to various animal spirits: eagle, snake, bear, rabbit and more. Turning fifteen, Milas embarks on his bonding test to determine if he will inherits his family’s rabbit bond, gaining all the abilities of the animal in agility and wit. But he fails during the last challenge when he cannot bring himself to kill an injured rabbit.

 

Milas adapts to his life as a gatherer (Can he only be a hunter if he gets the rabbit bond? that wasn't clear why he wanted it that much initially). Only he’s different from other gatherers. Despite having failed the test, he bonded with the rabbit spirit, and the villagers shun him for it. But shortly after Aram sets out on a hunt, the village is attacked. Worse, Aram never returns. That leaves Milas as one of the last survivors of his clan (Are clans only the hunters/bonded? WHat about Milas mom? Is she dead? You make it seem like just the disappearance of Aram means his whole family is gone), which prompts the village council ― of which his grandfather and only surviving relative is the leader(I'm not getting this, clan you mention is blood. and clans have an animal, but like, the animal doesn't seem to MAKE the clan, does it? Is this grandpa his mom's dad? Or something?) ― to hold him against his will (hold him where?). But Aram means the world to Milas, so he escapes to find his brother. Pursued by hunters (invaders or his own), he flees into the Great Forest, only to be captured by two of the invaders. (did they fend off the invaders? are they still being invaded? What's happening?) Together, they journey to First City, a massive settlement whose expansion rests on having conquered smaller villages like Milas’.

 

Once there, Milas is sold off to fight in an arena for sport. He barely survives his first fight and upon victory, he is taken to meet the BLESSED ONE, the settlement’s young ruler. Milas runs into his grandfather at the gathering and learns his village is to be absorbed by First City. Nights later, a hunter sneaks into Milas’ cage and they stage a temporary escape under the cover of night, knowing that they must return before daybreak or risk capture. While out, the hunter convinces Milas to help murder the second highest ranking member of the Blessed One’s council. Proving himself reliable, the council member (The who? what? I'm so lost) who purchased Milas(the arena fighter dude who makes people fight to the death? What happened to the hunter? Or is this the dude that's 2nd highest ranked) reveals himself to be the leader of a growing rebellion. Milas learns another rebel is the daughter of the man who captured Milas, AZURA. In the encounter, they reveal a plan to strike during the coming celebration for the Blessed One. In the weeks leading up to the event, they train Milas.

 

To mark the celebration, Milas steps into arena with nineteen other warriors. But just before the fight, the Blessed One executes Milas’ councillor, the leader of the rebellion. Worse, the warrior that kills the councillor is Aram. The battle begins and Milas realizes the plan is no more. Taking matters into his own hands, he begins launching weapons at the Blessed One, throwing the event into chaos. The resistance springs to Milas’ defence and the ensuing battle causes echoes of rebellion to sprout all over First City (Why would this be the case Milas is relatively unimportant to the world at large, so it seems). Under the Blessed One’s control, Aram attacks and beats Milas, but their grandfather steps in, sacrificing himself. The Blessed One flees (why does he have to flee? He's in charge and there were witness who tried to murder him which is illegal, can't he have them arrested?) and Milas also escapes, only to be captured by rebels once the battle is won. Imprisoned, he learns that Aram died, and that the rebels sought not to free the city, but to control it. Azura reveals herself to be the mastermind behind the rebellion, their true leader all along.

 

I'm not sure how important it is to get that Milas bonded with the rabbit thing, since it's treated as a plot point but never shows up again. I think mentioning the wanting to be a hunter is interesting, but if Milas secret bond with rabbit spirit never shows up, why mention it? Does it help him in the arena? That's not clear.


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