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The Academy for Mythical Beings


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#1 Dianam

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Posted 18 March 2018 - 04:56 PM

In China, some families tried to time their children’s births so they were born in the year of the dragon. Of course this wasn’t an exact science—undershoot it, and you get a rabbit, or worse—overshoot it, and you get a snake. But that’s not what happened to me. Here in America, my parents didn’t worry over my birth year. Why bother about such things when there were real dragons in the world. That’s right. Dragons were real. I should know since I came from a family of dragons. Just my rotten luck that I ended up as a snake.

   

Ava Wang plopped down in the seat beside me at Saturday Chinese school, which—full disclosure—was just the damp rented basement of a church. Her super hip green hair and matching green knee-high boots upped the cool factor of Chinese school about a thousand times, and when she said, “Hi Melia,” my heart pounded crazy fast. My dorky bobbed black hair with too-straight bangs matched my shoes too, but there was nothing hip about the black Mary Janes I was wearing.

  

“Hi,” I squeaked, wondering what the coolest girl in Chinese school (I realized that wasn’t saying much, but Ava would have been the coolest girl anywhere) wanted with me. Did she want to copy my homework?



#2 TansyRagwort

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Posted 18 March 2018 - 09:34 PM

In China, some families tried to time their children’s births so they were born in the year of the dragon. Just in China?  Because I'm pretty sure some of the families I knew in the states still did this.  Also this feels like an off place to start.  Its not action.  Its exposition. Of course this wasn’t an exact science—undershoot it, and you get a rabbit, or worse—overshoot it, and you get a snake. Love the voice in this sentence.  I mean at least its not a monkey or a rat right? But that’s not what happened to me. Here in America, my parents didn’t worry over my birth year. Why bother about such things when there were real dragons in the world. That’s right. Dragons were real. My head is going: sigh. Yeah thanks for telling me?  Don't believe you.  But its your world and I absolutely should.  My concern is this is telling not showing.  I should know since I came from a family of dragons. Just my rotten luck that I ended up as a snake. You just told me dragons are real...my head went is she now a literal snake?  I'm just lost and none of this follows into the next paragraph. 

   

Ava Wang plopped down in the seat beside me at Saturday Chinese school, which—full disclosure—was just the damp rented basement of a church. More cute voice.  I like this. Start here? Her super hip green hair and matching green knee-high boots upped the cool factor of Chinese school about a thousand times, and when she said, “Hi Melia,” my heart pounded crazy fast. My dorky bobbed black hair with too-straight bangs matched my shoes too, but there was nothing hip about the black don't need to repeat this word Mary Janes I was wearing. 

  

“Hi,” I squeaked, wondering what the coolest girl in Chinese school (I realized that wasn’t saying much, but Ava would have been the coolest girl anywhere) wanted with me. Did she want to copy my homework? See you start telling me dragons are real in the most boring way I can think of...by just saying it, and now nothing has happened.  She has said hello.  Can she at least say it in chinese to be super dorky?  I dunno...Maybe I just love me some Zhongwen.  Would make your first page stand out. :) 


http://www.immortali...ify.php?book=25

http://www.immortali...books.php?id=25

 

THE IMPENDING DEMISE OF THE GIRL WITH BROWN EYES coming Dec 2013 from Immortal Ink Publishing.


#3 Dianam

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Posted 19 March 2018 - 11:43 AM

 

In China, some families tried to time their children’s births so they were born in the year of the dragon. Just in China?  Because I'm pretty sure some of the families I knew in the states still did this.  Also this feels like an off place to start.  Its not action.  Its exposition. Of course this wasn’t an exact science—undershoot it, and you get a rabbit, or worse—overshoot it, and you get a snake. Love the voice in this sentence.  I mean at least its not a monkey or a rat right? But that’s not what happened to me. Here in America, my parents didn’t worry over my birth year. Why bother about such things when there were real dragons in the world. That’s right. Dragons were real. My head is going: sigh. Yeah thanks for telling me?  Don't believe you.  But its your world and I absolutely should.  My concern is this is telling not showing.  I should know since I came from a family of dragons. Just my rotten luck that I ended up as a snake. You just told me dragons are real...my head went is she now a literal snake?  I'm just lost and none of this follows into the next paragraph. 

   

Ava Wang plopped down in the seat beside me at Saturday Chinese school, which—full disclosure—was just the damp rented basement of a church. More cute voice.  I like this. Start here? Her super hip green hair and matching green knee-high boots upped the cool factor of Chinese school about a thousand times, and when she said, “Hi Melia,” my heart pounded crazy fast. My dorky bobbed black hair with too-straight bangs matched my shoes too, but there was nothing hip about the black don't need to repeat this word Mary Janes I was wearing. 

  

“Hi,” I squeaked, wondering what the coolest girl in Chinese school (I realized that wasn’t saying much, but Ava would have been the coolest girl anywhere) wanted with me. Did she want to copy my homework? See you start telling me dragons are real in the most boring way I can think of...by just saying it, and now nothing has happened.  She has said hello.  Can she at least say it in chinese to be super dorky?  I dunno...Maybe I just love me some Zhongwen.  Would make your first page stand out. :) 

 

TansyRagwort,

This is super helpful! Thanks!



#4 JMB

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Posted 20 March 2018 - 06:56 AM

I agree. Cut paragraph 1. The next two paragraphs are good!

#5 ALNoelle

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Posted 20 March 2018 - 01:02 PM

In China, some families tried to time their children’s births so they were born in the year of the dragon. Of course this wasn’t an exact science—undershoot it, and you get a rabbit, or worse—overshoot it, and you get a snake. But that’s not what happened to me. Here in America, my parents didn’t worry over my birth year. Why bother about such things when there were real dragons in the world. That’s right. Dragons were real. I should know since I came from a family of dragons. Just my rotten luck that I ended up as a snake.  ​Cut this here, but definitely weave it in later.

   

Ava Wang plopped down in the seat beside me at Saturday Chinese school, which—full disclosure—was just the damp rented basement of a church. Her super-hip ​do you need to hyphenate here? Grammar sometimes gets me so just wanted to point it out just in case green hair and matching green ​don't think you need to say green again, since "matching" already says it for you. Subjective opinion, though. knee-high boots upped the cool factor of Chinese school about a thousand times, and when she said, “Hi Melia,” my heart pounded crazy fast. My dorky bobbed black hair with too-straight bangs matched my shoes too, but there was nothing hip about the black ​same here, IMO I don't think you need to say black again. Mary Janes I was wearing.

  

“Hi,” I squeaked, wondering what the coolest girl in Chinese school (I realized that wasn’t saying much, but Ava would have been the coolest girl anywhere) wanted with me. Did she want to copy my homework?

 

Ok, so, I loved this. Is this MG? The first paragraph did throw me off, but I can see how you want it in there. It's cute, funny and endearing. I do think you could cut it here and weave it in at another place. The second half of this is just as cute and endearing, and still makes your beginning  as cool as Ava Wang ;).



#6 Sarkin

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Posted 21 March 2018 - 05:36 PM

In China, some families tried to time their children’s births so they were born in the year of the dragon. Of course this wasn’t an exact science—undershoot it, and you get a rabbit, or worse—overshoot it, and you get a snake. But that’s not what happened to me. Here in America, my parents didn’t worry over my birth year. Why bother about such things when there were real dragons in the world. That’s right. Dragons were real. I should know since I came from a family of dragons. Just my rotten luck that I ended up as a snake. [WITHOUT KNOWING THE CONTEXT OF THIS BOOK / CHAPTER, CAN YOU CUT THIS PARAGRAPH?]

   

Ava Wang plopped down in the seat beside me at Saturday Chinese school, which—full disclosure—was just the damp rented basement of a church.  [GOOD VOICE.] Her super hip green hair and matching green knee-high boots upped the cool factor of Chinese school about a thousand times, and when she said, “Hi Melia,” my heart pounded crazy fast. My dorky bobbed black hair with too-straight bangs matched my shoes too, but there was nothing hip about the black Mary Janes I was wearing. [NOT SURE IF YOU NEED TO DESCRIBE THE MAIN CHARACTER'S PHYSICAL APPEARANCE HERE. SEEMS A LITTLE FORCED.]

  

“Hi,” I squeaked, wondering what the coolest girl in Chinese school (I realized that wasn’t saying much, but Ava would have [MAKE CONTRACTION] been the coolest girl anywhere) wanted with me. Did she want to copy my homework? [GOOD VOICE HERE]

I really liked the voice here. Can you cut the first paragraph? That was my most substantive thought. I liked the second one better. 






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