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I Found Jesus: The Last Testament

Fiction Humor/Satire Literary Fiction Offbeat/Quirky

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#21 tommywilliford

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Posted 25 March 2018 - 01:10 PM

OK... How about this version... took out the laundry list. Would love some feedback.

 

After Simon witnesses the love of his life cheat on him at a friend’s wedding, he meets Jesus as he is taking a drunken piss against a lighthouse in the middle of Kentucky. Simon is faced with a choice: Follow Jesus, or fight for love.

 

Simon unknowingly helps Jesus escape. After margaritas, stigmata, and senoritas, the people who have held Jesus captive for the last two thousand years track them down and shoot their car full of holes. When Jesus pulls Simon from the wreckage, it is all the proof he needs to believe in God. Once on the mend, they decide to withdraw money from the local Mega-church and an absurd journey begins.

 

Simon is seeking to escape a life with no meaning, looking for someone to save him. Jesus is looking to escape the role of savior. Both are fleeing a growing list of people out to get them, and when a school shooting occurs that Jesus doesn’t or can’t stop, neither knows if their lives are worth saving. In the end, it is violence, not sacrifice, that is the answer and the tragedy for them both.

 

I FOUND JESUS: THE LAST TESTAMENT, complete at over 97,600 words, is an absurdist fiction novel that will appeal to a reader of Chuck Palahniuk and be a compliment to Christopher Moore’s LAMB.



#22 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 25 March 2018 - 05:00 PM

OK... How about this version... took out the laundry list. Would love some feedback.

 

 

After Simon witnesses the love of his life cheat on him at a friend’s wedding, he meets Jesus as he is taking a drunken piss against a lighthouse in the middle of Kentucky. Simon is faced with a choice: Follow Jesus, or fight for love.

 

Simon unknowingly helps Jesus escape. After margaritas, stigmata, and senoritas I'm still finding this line confusing.  So, this is happening to the people who held Jesus captive? Why would they bother with getting margaritas first? It just seems... odd., the people who have held Jesus captive for the last two thousand years track them down and shoot their car full of holes. When Jesus pulls Simon from the wreckage, it is all the proof he needs to believe in God. Once on the mend, they decide to withdraw money from the local Mega-church and an absurd journey begins.  

 

Simon is seeking to escape a life with no meaning, looking for someone to save him. Jesus is looking to escape the role of savior. Both are fleeing a growing list of people out to get them, and when a school shooting occurs that Jesus doesn’t or can’t stop, neither knows if their lives are worth saving. In the end, it is violence, not sacrifice, that is the answer and the tragedy for them both. I like this much better.  Much less cluttered.

 

I FOUND JESUS: THE LAST TESTAMENT, complete at over 97,600 (just say 98,000) words, is an absurdist fiction novel that will appeal to a reader of Chuck Palahniuk and be a compliment to Christopher Moore’s LAMB.



#23 tommywilliford

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Posted 26 March 2018 - 05:56 AM

I think we have it... strange how small changes can make the difference...

 

 

After Simon witnesses the love of his life cheat on him at a friend’s wedding, he meets Jesus as he is taking a drunken piss against a lighthouse in the middle of Kentucky. Simon is faced with a choice: Follow Jesus, or fight for love.

 

Simon unknowingly helps Jesus escape. After the people who have held Jesus captive for the last two thousand years track them down and shoot their car full of holes, Jesus pulls Simon from the wreckage alive. It is all the proof Simon needs to believe. Once on the mend, they decide to withdraw money from the local Mega-church and an absurd journey begins.

 

Simon is seeking to escape a life with no meaning, looking for someone to save him. Jesus is looking to escape the role of savior. Both are fleeing a growing list of people out to get them, and when a school shooting occurs that Jesus doesn’t or can’t stop, neither knows if their lives are worth saving. In the end, it is violence, not sacrifice, that is the answer and the tragedy for them both.

 

I FOUND JESUS: THE LAST TESTAMENT, complete at 98,000 words, is an absurdist fiction novel that will appeal to a reader of Chuck Palahniuk and be a compliment to Christopher Moore’s LAMB.



#24 RoAndJulesGuy

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Posted 26 March 2018 - 08:31 AM


After Simon witnesses the love of his life cheat on him at a friend’s wedding, he After a painful betrayal by his true love, Simon meets Jesus as he is taking a drunken piss against a lighthouse in the middle of Kentucky, and inadvertantly helps him escape from the people who've kept him captive for a thousand years. Simon is faced with a choice: Follow Jesus, or fight for love. After stealing money from a local mega-church, their journey begins.

 

Simon unknowingly helps Jesus escape. After the people who have held Jesus captive for the last two thousand years track them down and shoot their car full of holes, Jesus pulls Simon from the wreckage alive. It is all the proof Simon needs to believe. Once on the mend, they decide to withdraw money from the local Mega-church and an absurd journey begins.

 

Simon is seeking to escape a life with no meaning, looking for someone to save him. Jesus is looking to escape the role of savior. Both are fleeing a growing list of people out to get them, and when a school shooting occurs that Jesus doesn’t or can’t stop, neither knows if their lives are worth saving. In the end, it is violence, not sacrifice, that is the answer and the tragedy for them both.

 

I FOUND JESUS: THE LAST TESTAMENT, complete at 98,000 words, is an absurdist fiction novel that will appeal to a reader of Chuck Palahniuk and be a compliment to Christopher Moore’s LAMB.

 

IMO, the issue with what you have is that a blurb should represent the tone of the book, and it doesn't read like a parody/satire but more like a drama. I think you were probably a bit closer with your first post.

 

Above is a recommendation for how to streamline the first two paragraphs, eliminating the extraneous information. Your next paragraph should, like your original, list some of the absurd situations or characters they encounter, but laid out in a logical fashion that reveals the conflict (for example: Everywhere they go, they can't seem to stop making people angry enough to want to kill them. Simon soon finds himself desiring a savior; but that's a role Jesus is desperate to escape."

 

Not trying to rewrite this for you, btw. If I'm wrong about the tone then feel free to ignore me.

 

I find myself hoping this is a story about the "Jesus as portrayed in the bible" vs. the "Jesus as portrayed by conservative America." Not sure if that's what you're intending, but it does sound like something I'd read. Good luck!



#25 tommywilliford

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Posted 26 March 2018 - 12:40 PM

IMO, the issue with what you have is that a blurb should represent the tone of the book, and it doesn't read like a parody/satire but more like a drama. I think you were probably a bit closer with your first post.

 

Above is a recommendation for how to streamline the first two paragraphs, eliminating the extraneous information. Your next paragraph should, like your original, list some of the absurd situations or characters they encounter, but laid out in a logical fashion that reveals the conflict (for example: Everywhere they go, they can't seem to stop making people angry enough to want to kill them. Simon soon finds himself desiring a savior; but that's a role Jesus is desperate to escape."

 

Not trying to rewrite this for you, btw. If I'm wrong about the tone then feel free to ignore me.

 

I find myself hoping this is a story about the "Jesus as portrayed in the bible" vs. the "Jesus as portrayed by conservative America." Not sure if that's what you're intending, but it does sound like something I'd read. Good luck

I understand everything you are saying and agree. I really feel that no matter what I do, I am lying with a query. I also feel like it is a violation of some sort, like I shouldn't have to explain it. It has really helped to hear what others have said. The fact of the matter is, this book isn't for everyone, that it is going to offend the shit out of a lot of people, and it is hard to get past that. No matter what I do, a query for this book is going to be unlike a query for another book. There is no way around that, but it has come a long way.



#26 RoAndJulesGuy

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Posted 26 March 2018 - 08:52 PM

I understand everything you are saying and agree. I really feel that no matter what I do, I am lying with a query. I also feel like it is a violation of some sort, like I shouldn't have to explain it. It has really helped to hear what others have said. The fact of the matter is, this book isn't for everyone, that it is going to offend the shit out of a lot of people, and it is hard to get past that. No matter what I do, a query for this book is going to be unlike a query for another book. There is no way around that, but it has come a long way.

 

I've got the same problem. The query I posted here is ABSOLUTELY a lie - at least after the first plot point. Afterwards, it becomes something my readers have said is unique, but getting that across in 250 words? Impossible. Hopefully, some agent will be interested enough to check out the synopsis, at least.

 

I think the idea is to catch an agent with the idea of your book - be true to your tone and wait for it to hook someone. No book is for everyone. I'd guess that any book that tries probably sucks. If what you have is clever and well-written, it should be able to find an audience, and some agent will pick it up.



#27 tommywilliford

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Posted 29 March 2018 - 12:32 PM

Few tweeks... what do you think.

 

I am seeking literary representation for my novel, I FOUND JESUS: THE LAST TESTAMENT. Complete at 98,000 words, it is an absurdist fiction novel that will appeal to a reader of Chuck Palahniuk and be a compliment to Christopher Moore’s LAMB.

 

After Simon witnesses the love of his life cheat on him at a friend’s wedding, he meets Jesus as he is taking a drunken piss against a lighthouse in the middle of Kentucky. Simon is faced with a choice: Follow Jesus, or fight for love.

 

There isn’t a second coming; Jesus has been here all along. Simon inadvertently helps Jesus escape from the people that have held him captive the last two thousand years, but Jesus’ captors track them down and drive them off the road. When Jesus pulls Simon from the wreckage barely alive, it is all the proof Simon needs to believe. Once on the mend, they decide to withdraw money from the local Mega-church and an absurd journey begins.

 

Simon is seeking to escape a life with no meaning, looking for someone to save him. Jesus is looking to escape the role of savior. Both are fleeing a growing list of people out to get them, and when a school shooting occurs that Jesus doesn’t or can’t stop, neither knows if their lives are worth saving. In the end, it is violence, not sacrifice, that is the answer and the tragedy for them both.

 

Thank you for your consideration,







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