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The DIVIDE (sci-fi thriller)


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#1 alyssafduke

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Posted 24 March 2018 - 06:57 PM

Thanks for the help! This is just the query part, not including letter formals

 

This is not Hallie’s bed.

She has never been to this house.

The diamond ring on her left hand does not belong to her.

The only explanation would be a dangerous one, except the woman smiling in the wedding photo looks exactly like her. And the man she just hit in the head with a shoe is claiming to be her husband.  When her father, who has been dead ten years, and her mother, a mentally unstable shut-in, reappear in this life whole, happy, and alive, Hallie is forced to face this strange, new reality.

She really is married to Quinton Burg.

She never moved to Chicago to be an artist.

She may be on the road to hysteria.

Doctors find nothing wrong, no physical reason for the replacement of memories that has ripped her from a newfound life and dumped her back in her small hometown.

Her father’s strange behavior toward her memory loss leads Hallie to suspect he has the answers no doctor can give. If she learns his secrets, this new life she has come to accept could disappear like a fading dream. But if she trusts him, there may be no old life to return to.

 

 



#2 rhwashere

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Posted 24 March 2018 - 10:37 PM

I really like the way you start, but then you lose momentum, starting with “The only explanation would be a dangerous one.”

I recommend keeping your sentences short and unrelenting til the end. Especially since this is a thriller. For example:

This is not Hallie’s bed. She has never even been to this house.
She’s never seen the diamond ring on her left hand, but the woman smiling in the wedding photo looks exactly like her.
The man she just attacked is claiming to be her husband.
Repeatedly, Hallie is told that the life she remembers never happened.
She never went to Chicago to be an artist. Her mother never became a mentally-unstable shut in. Her father never died in that horrific car crash.
But if it’s all in her head, why is her father acting so strangely when she brings up the past, the one she is convinced is real?
Hallie suspects he has the answers, but...

Then, I would insert your stakes. However, I think the stakes could be improved. It doesn’t sound like she really accepts her new reality, so would she really be afraid to lose it? And I don’t know what the last part—“no old life to return to”—means.

Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...51718/?p=356935


#3 IndusiumGriseum

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Posted 24 March 2018 - 11:21 PM

Thanks for the help! This is just the query part, not including letter formals

 

This is not Hallie’s bed.

She has never been to this house.

The diamond ring on her left hand does not belong to her.

The only explanation would be a dangerous one, except the woman smiling in the wedding photo looks exactly like her. And the man she just hit in the head with a shoe is claiming to be her husband.  When her father, who has been dead ten years, and her mother, a mentally unstable shut-in, reappear in this life whole, happy, and alive, Hallie is forced to face this strange, new reality.

She really is married to Quinton Burg.

She never moved to Chicago to be an artist.

She may be on the road to hysteria.

Doctors find nothing wrong, no physical reason for the replacement of memories that has ripped her from a newfound life and dumped her back in her small hometown.

Her father’s strange behavior toward her memory loss leads Hallie to suspect he has the answers no doctor can give. If she learns his secrets, this new life she has come to accept could disappear like a fading dream. But if she trusts him, there may be no old life to return to.

 

I think you definitely have an interesting concept and an interesting way of introducing it, but the waters get a little muddied when you introduce the stakes for her. "If she learns his secrets, this new life she has come to accept could disappear like a fading dream," should be a bad thing for her the way you're phrasing the next sentence. Usually, it goes, "If this terrible thing doesn't happen, THIS terrible thing will happen."

 

You also mention that this is a sci-fi thriller, but I don't see how it's sci-fi or a thriller. This seems like a slightly suspenseful psychological story to me, but I've never read your work, so, of course I can't say. If you're going with this format, I would definitely add more sci-fi and thriller elements to it.

 

Good luck!


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#4 rhwashere

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Posted 08 April 2018 - 01:17 PM

Hey, congrats on the FTW on QueryShark! Good thing you stuck to your guns and went with what you believed in.

Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...51718/?p=356935


#5 alyssafduke

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Posted 09 April 2018 - 09:42 PM

Hey, congrats on the FTW on QueryShark! Good thing you stuck to your guns and went with what you believed in.

 

Thank you so much! I was honestly pretty shocked to see it was chosen, even more so that the Shark liked it. 



#6 RosieSkye

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Posted 10 April 2018 - 05:44 PM

Thanks for the help! This is just the query part, not including letter formals

 

This is not Hallie’s bed.

She has never been to this house.

The diamond ring on her left hand does not belong to her.

The only explanation would be a dangerous one, except But the woman smiling in the wedding photo looks exactly like her. And the man she just hit in the head claims with a shoe is claiming to be her husband.  When her father, who has been dead ten years, and her mother, a mentally unstable shut-in, reappear, alive and happy, in this life whole, happy, and alive, Hallie is forced to face this strange, new reality.

She really is married to Quinton Burg.

She never moved to Chicago to be an artist.

She may be on the road to hysteria.

Doctors find nothing wrong, no physical reason for the replacement of memories that has ripped her from a newfound life and dumped her back in her small hometown.

Her father’s strange behavior toward her memory loss leads Hallie to suspect he has the answers no doctor can give. If she learns his secrets, this new life she has come to accept could disappear like a fading dream. But if she trusts him, there may be no old life to return to. (You lose me a bit at the end here.  I don't get the feeling that she's ever accepted her new life, so why would losing it be a bad thing?  And I'm unclear what trusting her father has to do with her Chicago artist life (assuming that's her old life.)  Wasn't her father dead then?)

 

 

I love it when unorthodox queries work!  I'd definitely be asking for pages if I were an agent, although I do think the ending and stakes need to be clarified a bit.  And like the above poster said, I don't see what makes this story sci-fi.  If you're labelling it as such, you should include some elements of that here.  I've also crossed out some extraneous wordage, so hopefully the brief style reads even more snappily.

 

Good luck!






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