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SAND AND RUST (SF Mystery) [Update: Post #34]


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#21 Oldborne

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Posted 14 April 2018 - 06:36 PM

**UPDATE #4**

Thanks again for your comments!

This is a relatively small edit but hopefully the stakes and world are both clear enough now. I think I'm gonna stick with the swearing unless more of a consensus is formed. 

-------------------------------

 

Dear Agent,

 

Discovering Sheriff Gil Oldborne’s corpse teaches Deputy Eddwan Underwood two things: Being poisoned is a shitty way to die, and he doesn’t want to be the next sheriff. He’s old muscle, a one-handed illiterate, and bad at staying objective. Eddwan doesn’t trust himself to change his jailhouse’s wheels, let alone lead a murder investigation. But the Caravan––a vagabond convoy of decrepit vehicles scouring a post-apocalyptic desert for resources and fertile land––demands justice for its Sheriff. Eddwan has little choice but to investigate.

 

After apprehending the chef who prepared Gil’s last meal, Eddwan is intercepted by an envoy from the Caravan’s lead vehicle and governing body. The envoy liberates the chef, only to imprison him themselves.

 

If Eddwan’s sure of one thing, it’s that the Caravan’s governors don’t often dirty themselves with the affairs of their followers. Stranger still, he’s granted four days by those same leaders to prevent the chef’s execution. Although he suspects he’s a pawn in some rich fucker’s grand scheme, Eddwan unearths and investigates a plot to conserve resources by abandoning over half of the Caravan. Directionless in the desert wastes, without necessities nor hope, thousands of innocents would perish. A genocide of greed which Gil died attempting to stop, and one Eddwan must kill for to prevent.  

 

SAND AND RUST, complete at 95,000 words, will appeal to fans of SF Mysteries like Artemis by Andy Weir and Sand by Hugh Howey.

 

I have sold short literature to Shoreline of Infinity and written numerous articles for Vulture Hound Magazine.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Me 


 


All feedback appreciated: http://agentquerycon...ust-sf-mystery/

 


#22 BrookeJS

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Posted 15 April 2018 - 12:57 AM

**UPDATE #4**

Thanks again for your comments!

This is a relatively small edit but hopefully the stakes and world are both clear enough now. I think I'm gonna stick with the swearing unless more of a consensus is formed. 

-------------------------------
 

Dear Agent,

 

Discovering Sheriff Gil Oldborne’s corpse teaches Deputy Eddwan Underwood two things: Being poisoned is a shitty way to die, and he doesn’t want to be the next sheriff. He’s old muscle, a one-handed illiterate, and bad at staying objective. Eddwan doesn’t trust himself to change his jailhouse’s wheels, let alone lead a murder investigation. But the Caravan––a vagabond convoy of decrepit vehicles scouring a post-apocalyptic desert for resources and fertile land––demands justice for its Sheriff. Eddwan has little choice but to investigate. ​Why does he have little choice? Doesn't he want justice for his mentor and friend? (the opening line implies they're at least somewhat close).

 

After apprehending the chef who prepared Gil’s last meal, Eddwan is intercepted by an envoy from the Caravan’s lead vehicle and governing body. The envoy liberates the chef, only to imprison him themselves.

 

If Eddwan’s sure of one thing, it’s that the Caravan’s governors don’t often dirty themselves with the affairs of their followers. Stranger still, he’s granted four days by those same leaders to prevent the chef’s execution ​(This feels a little weak to me but I do like that he seems to be as confused as I am haha. I'm wondering if perhaps the time limit could be removed maybe something like "While trying to figure out what happened to his suspect he unearths a more sinister plot" Just a thought! That would mean fidgeting with the next lines a bit but mentioning the chef again just feels out of place, I think mentioning the disappearance and nothing more builds mystery). Although he suspects he’s a pawn in some rich fucker’s grand scheme, Eddwan unearths and investigates a plot to conserve resources by abandoning over half of the Caravan. Directionless in the desert wastes, without necessities nor hope, thousands of innocents would perish. A genocide of greed which Gil died attempting to stop, and one Eddwan must kill for to prevent.  ​Read this out loud, "for" sounds odd to me.

 

SAND AND RUST, complete at 95,000 words, will appeal to fans of SF Mysteries like Artemis by Andy Weir and Sand by Hugh Howey.

 

I have sold short literature to Shoreline of Infinity and written numerous articles for Vulture Hound Magazine.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Me 


 

 

I like this a lot more, you definitely cleared up some previous issues. I only have a couple questions/comments as shown above. Good work!


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#23 TeaTime

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Posted 15 April 2018 - 08:11 PM

**UPDATE #4**
 

Dear Agent,

 

Discovering Sheriff Gil Oldborne’s corpse teaches Deputy Eddwan Underwood two things: Being poisoned is a shitty (I would vote against heavy swearing in a query, especially on the second instance two paragraphs down from here, as it feels unprofessional. Some or maybe most agents might not mind though, I'm not sure.) way to die, and he doesn’t want to be the next sheriff. He’s old muscle, a one-handed illiterate, and bad at staying objective (Good, quick descriptions). Eddwan doesn’t trust himself to change his jailhouse’s wheels, let alone lead a murder investigation. But the Caravan––a vagabond convoy of decrepit vehicles (I'd maybe cut something like this phrase to simplify the wave of nouns, adjectives, etc.) scouring a post-apocalyptic deserts for resources and fertile land––demands justice for its Sheriff. Eddwan has little choice but to investigate.

 

After apprehending the chef who prepared Gil’s last meal, Eddwan is intercepted by an envoy from the Caravan’s lead vehicle and governing body. The envoy liberates the chef, only to imprison him themselves. (I would heavily simplify these investigation details, as the nitty gritty details don't feel necessary to get the general gist across.)

 

If Eddwan’s sure of one thing, it’s that the Caravan’s governors don’t often dirty themselves with the affairs of their followers. Stranger still, he’s granted four days by those same leaders to prevent the chef’s execution. (Is this time limit more or less generous than what goes for average procedure?) Although he suspects he’s a pawn in some rich fucker’s grand scheme, Eddwan unearths and investigates a plot to conserve resources by abandoning over half of the Caravan (These are good stakes). Directionless in the desert wastes, without necessities nor hope, thousands of innocents would perish. A genocide of greed which Gil died attempting to stop, and one Eddwan must kill for to prevent. (I agree with BrookeJS that this last part feel ungrammatical, but cutting "for" makes it sound like Eddwan must kill the genocide of greed instead of a separate person. Maybe something like "and one that Eddwan must commit murder to prevent"?)

 

SAND AND RUST, complete at 95,000 words, will appeal to fans of SF Mysteries like Artemis by Andy Weir and Sand by Hugh Howey.

 

I have sold short literature to Shoreline of Infinity and written numerous articles for Vulture Hound Magazine.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Me 

 

I think this draft has a strong opening paragraph, & then gets bogged down a bit in the details of what's going on with the chef. I'd cut straighter to the end result/dilemma between Eddwan and the governors. Best of luck  :smile: 


Feel Free to Check Out My Current Query Letter Here, Thank You


#24 Bkrasnik

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Posted 16 April 2018 - 05:19 PM

**UPDATE #4**

Thanks again for your comments!

This is a relatively small edit but hopefully the stakes and world are both clear enough now. I think I'm gonna stick with the swearing unless more of a consensus is formed. 

-------------------------------
 

Dear Agent,

 

Discovering Sheriff Gil Oldborne’s corpse teaches Deputy Eddwan Underwood two things: Being poisoned is a shitty way to die, and he doesn’t want to be the next sheriff. He’s old muscle, a one-handed illiterate, and bad at staying objective. Eddwan doesn’t trust himself to change his jailhouse’s wheels, let alone lead a murder investigation. But the Caravan––a vagabond convoy of decrepit vehicles scouring a post-apocalyptic desert for resources and fertile land––demands justice for its Sheriff. Eddwan has little choice but to investigate.

 

After apprehending the chef who prepared Gil’s last meal, Eddwan is intercepted by an envoy from the Caravan’s lead vehicle and governing body. The envoy liberates the chef, only to imprison him themselves.

 

If Eddwan’s sure of one thing, it’s that the Caravan’s governors don’t often dirty themselves with the affairs of their followers. Stranger still, he’s granted four days by those same leaders to prevent the chef’s execution. Although he suspects he’s a pawn in some rich fucker’s grand scheme, Eddwan unearths and investigates a plot to conserve resources by abandoning over half of the Caravan. Directionless in the desert wastes, without necessities nor hope, thousands of innocents would perish. A genocide of greed which Gil died attempting to stop, and one Eddwan must kill for to prevent.  

 

SAND AND RUST, complete at 95,000 words, will appeal to fans of SF Mysteries like Artemis by Andy Weir and Sand by Hugh Howey.

 

I have sold short literature to Shoreline of Infinity and written numerous articles for Vulture Hound Magazine.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Me 


 

Dear Agent,

 

Discovering Sheriff Gil Oldborne’s corpse teaches Deputy Eddwan Underwood (Can you just call them by their last names by any chance? For ex) Deputy Underwood. I feel like it will sound cleaner, because right now I feel like I just read a tongue twister). two things: Being poisoned is a shitty way to die, and he doesn’t want to be the next sheriff (GOOD—gives a nice voice to Deputy Underwood, which instantly makes me like him more and want to continue reading.). He’s old muscle, a one-handed illiterate, and bad at staying objective (I love it, perfectly built off the previous sentence). Eddwan doesn’t trust himself to change his jailhouse’s wheels, let alone lead a murder investigation. But the Caravan––a vagabond convoy of decrepit vehicles scouring a post-apocalyptic desert for resources and fertile land (As awesome as this sentence is, it’s extremely wordy, and would benefit if you deleted one or two descriptor words. I think it will have a much cleaner flow) –demands justice for its Sheriff. Eddwan has little choice but to investigate.

 

After apprehending the chef who prepared Gil’s last meal, Eddwan is intercepted by an envoy from the Caravan’s lead vehicle and governing body (governing body? I am imagining Congress right now—unless that’s what you want, I would change this phrase. Actually maybe just delete it, will sound cleaner). The envoy liberates the chef, only to imprison him themselves (Themselves is a bad word here, doesn’t sound good.)

 

If Eddwan’s sure of one thing, it’s that the Caravan’s governors don’t often dirty themselves with the affairs of their followers. Stranger still, he’s granted four days by those same leaders to prevent the chef’s execution (sort of confused at this point). Although he suspects he’s a pawn in some rich fucker’s grand scheme, Eddwan unearths and investigates a plot to conserve resources by abandoning over half of the Caravan. Directionless in the desert wastes, without necessities nor hope, thousands of innocents would perish. A genocide of greed which Gil died attempting to stop, and one Eddwan must kill for to prevent.  (This last section is pretty confusing to me and needs more context).

 

SAND AND RUST, complete at 95,000 words, will appeal to fans of SF Mysteries like Artemis by Andy Weir and Sand by Hugh Howey.

 

I have sold short literature to Shoreline of Infinity and written numerous articles for Vulture Hound Magazine.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

I think you had a really strong start and then by the end I was starting to get confused with your plot and all the details. You have a lot of information in the end. I suggest deleting some of it, and refocusing on a central plot.


Have a moment to offer up some very much appreciated feedback? :)

My Young Adult Dystopian Query: http://agentquerycon...ate-on-post-15/


#25 Oldborne

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Posted 20 April 2018 - 03:55 PM

***UPDATE 5***

And we're back.

As always, all feedback is greatly appreciated and I'll do my darnedest to return the favour. 

-------------------

 

Dear Agent,

 

Discovering Sheriff Oldborne’s corpse teaches Deputy Eddwan Underwood two things: Being poisoned is a shitty way to die, and he doesn’t want to be the next sheriff. He’s old muscle, a one-handed illiterate, and bad at staying objective. Eddwan doesn’t trust himself to change his jailhouse’s wheels, let alone lead a murder investigation. But the Caravan––a vagabond convoy scouring post-apocalyptic deserts for resources and fertile land––demands justice for its Sheriff.

 

After apprehending his only suspect, Eddwan is intercepted by an envoy from the Caravan’s commanding vehicle and forced to surrender his prisoner. If Eddwan’s sure of one thing, it’s that the Caravan’s leaders don’t give two fucks about their followers. And yet they cared enough to liberate the Sheriff’s murderer. Obsessed with discovering why, Eddwan continues digging and unearths what had cost Oldborne his life: A government plot to conserve resources by abandoning most of the Caravan. Directionless in the desert wastes, without necessities nor hope, countless innocents would perish.

 

If Eddwan goes against the government he risks suffering the same fate as Oldborne. If he does nothing, everyone he’s ever known will be entombed in sand.  

 

SAND AND RUST, complete at 95,000 words, will appeal to fans of SF Mysteries like Artemis by Andy Weir and Sand by Hugh Howey.

 

I have sold short literature to Shoreline of Infinity and written numerous articles for Vulture Hound Magazine.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

 

Me

 


All feedback appreciated: http://agentquerycon...ust-sf-mystery/

 


#26 BrookeJS

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Posted 21 April 2018 - 01:31 AM

***UPDATE 5***

And we're back.

As always, all feedback is greatly appreciated and I'll do my darnedest to return the favour. 

-------------------
 

Dear Agent,

 

Discovering Sheriff Oldborne’s corpse teaches Deputy Eddwan Underwood two things: Being poisoned is a shitty way to die, and he doesn’t want to be the next sheriff. He’s old muscle, a one-handed illiterate, and bad at staying objective. Eddwan doesn’t trust himself to change his jailhouse’s wheels, let alone lead a murder investigation. But the Caravan––a vagabond convoy scouring post-apocalyptic deserts for resources and fertile land––demands justice for its Sheriff.

 

After apprehending his only suspect, Eddwan is intercepted by an envoy from the Caravan’s commanding vehicle and forced to surrender his prisoner. If Eddwan’s sure of one thing, it’s that the Caravan’s leaders don’t give two fucks about their followers. And yet they cared enough to liberate the Sheriff’s murderer. Obsessed with discovering why, Eddwan continues digging and unearths what had cost Oldborne his life: ​So much better!! I like this a lot, I'm way more invested now in wanting to know why these people would liberate a murder. Only qualm, don't start a sentence with "and". A government plot to conserve resources by abandoning most of the Caravan. Directionless in the desert wastes, without necessities nor hope, countless innocents would perish.

 

If Eddwan goes against the government he risks suffering the same fate as Oldborne. If he does nothing, everyone he’s ever known will be entombed in sand.  ​I feel like these are great stakes!

 

SAND AND RUST, complete at 95,000 words, will appeal to fans of SF Mysteries like Artemis by Andy Weir and Sand by Hugh Howey.

 

I have sold short literature to Shoreline of Infinity and written numerous articles for Vulture Hound Magazine.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

 

Me

 

 

I like this a lot! I don't have much to say other than good job. It's quick and dirty. I feel like it gets to the point which I think sort of reflects the character you've built. If I have ONE other comment I think it would be to reverse the very first sentence. Start with "Being poisoned is a shitty way to die." It's so much stronger. Then you can say this is what Eddwan learns about his sheriff's death, etc. I'm excited for you I hope you get some bites with this!


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#27 CavalierdeNuit

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Posted 21 April 2018 - 02:45 PM

Please do not use curse words in your query! 

 

Discovering Sheriff Oldborne’s corpse teaches Deputy Eddwan Underwood two things: Being poisoned with what?  is a shitty gruesome? ugly? way to die, and he doesn’t want to be the next sheriff. He’s old muscle, a one-handed illiterate what does this mean? he has one hand and can't read?, and bad at staying objective. Eddwan doesn’t trust himself to change his jailhouse’s wheels, let alone lead a murder investigation. But the Caravan––a vagabond convoy scouring post-apocalyptic deserts for resources and fertile land––demands justice from whom? for its Sheriff. Is this a post-apocalyptic world? 

 

After apprehending his only suspect, Eddwan is intercepted by an envoy from the Caravan’s commanding vehicle and forced to surrender his prisoner who is his prisoner?. If Eddwan’s sure of one thing, it’s that the Caravan’s leaders don’t give two fucks lizard tails, cow skulls etc about their followers. And yet they cared enough to liberate the Sheriff’s murderer. how do they know who killed the sheriff? Obsessed with discovering why, Eddwan continues digging and unearths what had cost Oldborne his life: A government plot to conserve resources by abandoning most of the Caravan. Directionless in the desert wastes  wasteland, without necessities nor hope, countless innocents would perish. Where did these innocents come from? Why should the reader care? Is the government evil?

 

If Eddwan goes against the government he risks suffering the same fate as Oldborne. If he does nothing, everyone he’s ever known will be entombed in sand.  

 

 

This needs way more detail. I have no idea what year it is, who these people are, or why the government is involved. I'm feeling a Mad Max/Tank Girl vibe, but am not sure if this is your aim.

 

Some pointers for you:

 

  1. Get right to the main character—by name. 
  2. Tell who he/she is, and describe his world. Do it in as few words as possible.
  3. Tell what happens to him or her—the initial point of conflict in the book.
  4. Show two choices the main character faces as well as the consequences of those choices. The stakes must be high.

Hope this helps! It has potential, but needs more meat. 



#28 Dasein

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Posted 21 April 2018 - 03:01 PM

I think using curse words in your query is fine. The people it might offend wouldn't like the story anyway. "Bad" words are used more and more in publishing now, even in titles.

I really like the first sentences. Makes it seem like a gritty tale full of colorful characters. My problem is that they lead me to think this is a murder mystery or a Western, when it really is post-apocalyptic sci if.

Other than that my comment is that it would help to make it simpler. You just have to hook someone, not explain the whole plot.

My query is here. http://agentquerycon...r-sort-fantasy/

#29 Bkrasnik

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Posted 21 April 2018 - 07:22 PM

***UPDATE 5***

And we're back.

As always, all feedback is greatly appreciated and I'll do my darnedest to return the favour. 

-------------------
 

Dear Agent,

 

Discovering Sheriff Oldborne’s corpse teaches Deputy Eddwan Underwood two things: Being poisoned is a shitty way to die, and he doesn’t want to be the next sheriff. He’s old muscle, a one-handed illiterate, and bad at staying objective. Eddwan doesn’t trust himself to change his jailhouse’s wheels, let alone lead a murder investigation. But the Caravan––a vagabond convoy scouring post-apocalyptic deserts for resources and fertile land––demands justice for its Sheriff. (I love this paragraph so much--you have the perfect balance of plot, detail, and character development.)

 

After apprehending his only suspect, Eddwan is intercepted by an envoy from the Caravan’s commanding vehicle and forced to surrender his prisoner. If Eddwan’s sure of one thing, it’s that the Caravan’s leaders don’t give two fucks (Whoa, a little unexpected. I like swear words don't get me wrong, but it feels like it came out of nowhere and it doesn't feel necessary to go as far as "fuck" to get across what you're saying. I actually think it might put unneeded emphasis on this sentence, and distracts the reader from the rest of the story. Maybe changing it to a lighter swear word, like "shit"? Or you can just do without it.) about their followers. And yet they cared enough to liberate the Sheriff’s murderer. Obsessed with discovering why, Eddwan continues digging and unearths what had cost Oldborne his life: A government plot to conserve resources by abandoning most of the Caravan (this needs to clarified more, because I don't fully understand what you mean). Directionless in the desert wastes, without necessities nor hope, countless innocents would perish. (I think you can give more background here---is all of humanity living in this wasteland or only a group of people?)

 

If Eddwan goes against the government he risks suffering the same fate as Oldborne. If he does nothing, everyone he’s ever known will be entombed in sand.  Good. 

 

SAND AND RUST, complete at 95,000 words, will appeal to fans of SF Mysteries like Artemis by Andy Weir and Sand by Hugh Howey.

 

I have sold short literature to Shoreline of Infinity and written numerous articles for Vulture Hound Magazine.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

 

Me

 

 

You made a good amount of progress in this version. I think you just need a little bit more context in the areas I mentioned, and you are very close to having a very great query! 


Have a moment to offer up some very much appreciated feedback? :)

My Young Adult Dystopian Query: http://agentquerycon...ate-on-post-15/


#30 Aightball

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Posted 21 April 2018 - 09:55 PM

***UPDATE 5***

And we're back.

As always, all feedback is greatly appreciated and I'll do my darnedest to return the favour. 

-------------------
 

Dear Agent,

 

Discovering Sheriff Oldborne’s corpse teaches Deputy Eddwan Underwood two things: Being poisoned is a shitty way to die, and he doesn’t want to be the next sheriff. He’s old muscle, a one-handed illiterate, and bad at staying objective. Eddwan doesn’t trust himself to change his jailhouse’s wheels, let alone lead a murder investigation. But the Caravan––a vagabond convoy scouring post-apocalyptic deserts for resources and fertile land––demands justice for its Sheriff.  Bit of a confusing opening, I think.  We find the sheriff dead...and the person knows how he died.  Okay...but then you start talking about Eddwan and go off in a different direction.  I like your initial opening hook but I think you need to stick to one idea here.  What's more important: finding the body or Eddwan and what he doesn't trust himself to do?

 

After apprehending his only suspect, Eddwan is intercepted by an envoy from the Caravan’s commanding vehicle and forced to surrender his prisoner. If Eddwan’s sure of one thing, it’s that the Caravan’s leaders don’t give two fucks about their followers. And yet they cared enough to liberate the Sheriff’s murderer. Obsessed with discovering why, Eddwan continues digging and unearths what had cost Oldborne his life: A government plot to conserve resources by abandoning most of the Caravan. Directionless in the desert wastes, without necessities nor hope, countless innocents would perish.  I'm not sure you should give this away in the query.  Unless the COD is NOT important and finding out WHY it was done is more important, than okay.  I like this paragraph, because it seems tight and really gives us the story.

 

If Eddwan goes against the government he risks suffering the same fate as Oldborne. If he does nothing, everyone he’s ever known will be entombed in sand.  In some ways, I don't feel the stakes are unique...there are a lot of sf stories with similar stakes.  How does your novel stand out?  I like the entombed in sand...can you expand on that?

 

SAND AND RUST, is Science Fiction complete at 95,000 words, and will appeal to fans of SF Mysteries like Artemis by Andy Weir and Sand by Hugh Howey.

 

I have sold short literature to Shoreline of Infinity and written numerous articles for Vulture Hound Magazine.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

 

Me

 

 

I think you have an interesting story here.  The query needs some tightening and clarification but I think you're getting there!  Good luck!


Most girls are made of
sugar and spice and everything nice; they
screwed up the recipe for me: I'm made of
bat wings and broken things.

Query: http://agentquerycon...3-love-and-war/

Blog: http://aightball.wordpress.com

Synopsis:

Twitter Hook(s):

Short Story "Anguish", in Winter's Regret: http://www.amazon.co...winter's regret

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#31 galian84

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Posted 21 April 2018 - 10:01 PM

***UPDATE 5***

And we're back.

As always, all feedback is greatly appreciated and I'll do my darnedest to return the favour. 

-------------------
 

Dear Agent,

 

Discovering Sheriff Oldborne’s corpse teaches Deputy Eddwan Underwood two things: Being poisoned is a shitty way to die, and he doesn’t want to be the next sheriff (A bit of a eyeful, but got my attention). He’s old muscle, a one-handed illiterate, and bad at staying objective. Eddwan doesn’t trust himself to change his jailhouse’s wheels, let alone lead a murder investigation. But the Caravan––a vagabond convoy scouring post-apocalyptic deserts for resources and fertile land––demands justice for its Sheriff (eh? How does this relate to the murder investigation? Are they recruiting Eddwan to help them?).

 

After apprehending his only suspect, Eddwan is intercepted by an envoy from the Caravan’s commanding vehicle and forced to surrender his prisoner. If Eddwan’s sure of one thing, it’s that the Caravan’s leaders don’t give two fucks about their followers. And yet they cared enough to liberate the Sheriff’s murderer. Obsessed with discovering why, Eddwan continues digging and unearths what had cost Oldborne his life: A government plot to conserve resources by abandoning most of the Caravan. Directionless in the desert wastes, without necessities nor hope, countless innocents would perish. (Good, I understand this)

 

If Eddwan goes against the government comma he risks suffering the same fate as Oldborne. If he does nothing, everyone he’s ever known (like who? Without some more context, this falls a little flat for me) will be entombed in sand.  

 

SAND AND RUST, complete at 95,000 words, will appeal to fans of SF Mysteries like Artemis by Andy Weir and Sand by Hugh Howey.

 

I have sold short literature to Shoreline of Infinity and written numerous articles for Vulture Hound Magazine.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

 

Me

 

Hi there! I didn't get to thoroughly go through your previous versions, so I'm coming in this with fresh eyes. Comments above. Pretty good overall, even though SF isn't a genre I normally read. Mostly nitpicking on my part, and a little more context on your stakes (like mentioning if Eddwan has a family, etc...) would make it punchier, IMHO. Take from this what you will :) I'm still working through my query, myself.

 

Good luck!



#32 Tanja

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Posted 23 April 2018 - 07:08 AM

I like the voice in your query. Besides the comma mentioned by galian84 I can't really fault the query. It's straight forward and clear. Good luck


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#33 A. Wass

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Posted 23 April 2018 - 09:04 AM

Thanks for commenting on my query. Here are my thoughts:

 

***UPDATE 5***

And we're back.

As always, all feedback is greatly appreciated and I'll do my darnedest to return the favour. 

-------------------
 

Dear Agent,

 

Discovering Sheriff Oldborne’s corpse teaches Deputy Eddwan Underwood two things: Being poisoned is a shitty way to die(I'm intrigued already, plus good voice!), and he doesn’t want to be the next sheriff(good characterization). He’s old muscle(I'm not sure what this means), a one-handed illiterate, and bad at staying objective. Eddwan doesn’t trust himself to change his jailhouse’s wheels(Again, Idk what this means. Maybe these are sayings? But I've never heard of them), let alone lead a murder investigation. But the Caravan––a vagabond convoy scouring post-apocalyptic deserts for resources and fertile land––demands justice for its Sheriff. The mention of a post-apocalyptic world really threw me here. The begining made me think this was a contemp setting. I would like to see the setting introduced sooner.

 

After apprehending his only suspect, Eddwan is intercepted by an envoy from the Caravan’s commanding vehicle and forced to surrender his prisoner. If Eddwan’s sure of one thing, it’s that the Caravan’s leaders don’t give two fucks about their followers(Good voice again). And yet they cared enough to liberate the Sheriff’s murderer(So first the Caravan is demanding justice for the Sheriff's murder and now they liberate the suspect? Huh?). Obsessed with discovering why, Eddwan continues digging and unearths what had cost Oldborne his life: A government plot to conserve resources by abandoning most of the Caravan. Directionless in the desert wastes, without necessities nor hope, countless innocents would perish.

 

If Eddwan goes against the government he risks suffering the same fate as Oldborne. If he does nothing, everyone he’s ever known will be entombed in sand.(I like this last line!)

 

SAND AND RUST, complete at 95,000 words, will appeal to fans of SF Mysteries like Artemis by Andy Weir and Sand by Hugh Howey.

 

I have sold short literature to Shoreline of Infinity and written numerous articles for Vulture Hound Magazine.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

 

Me

 

 

Overall, it sounds like a good story with great voice in the query. I think there are just a few things that could be clarified.



#34 Oldborne

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Posted 25 April 2018 - 04:28 PM

***UPDATE 6***

Thanks everyone for the mountain of feedback on the last draft. I've found this one tough because I really liked draft 5, and for everyone saying something didn't land or was confusing, someone else seemed to understand/liked it. I suppose that's the subjective nature of the beast. Either way, I've tried to expand on the areas that seemed to be causing the most grief but I really don't want to alter the current structure too dramatically as I feel it accurately represents my novel as it stands.

Not a lot is different here, but I've tried to be clearer with some details in the hopes that they raise fewer questions. 

Thank you as always. All feedback is massively appreciated.

------------------
 

Dear Agent,

 

Discovering Sheriff Oldborne’s corpse teaches Deputy Eddwan Underwood two things: Being poisoned is a shitty way to die, and he doesn’t want to be the next sheriff. He’s an old bruiser, a one-handed illiterate, and bad at staying objective. Eddwan doesn’t trust himself to change his jailhouse’s wheels after a mile of rough riding, let alone lead a murder investigation. But the Caravan’s citizens––a nomadic civilisation scouring post-apocalyptic deserts for resources and fertile land––demand justice for Oldborne. All Eddwan wants is revenge.

 

After apprehending his only suspect, Eddwan is intercepted by an envoy from the Caravan’s commanding vehicle and forced to surrender his prisoner. If Eddwan’s sure of one thing, it’s that the Caravan’s leaders don’t give two fucks about their followers. Yet they cared enough to seize the Sheriff’s murderer. Obsessed with discovering why, Eddwan continues digging and unearths what had cost Oldborne his life: A government plot to conserve resources by abandoning the bulk of the Caravan. Directionless in the desert wastes, without necessities or hope, countless innocent civilians would perish.

 

If Eddwan goes against the government, he risks suffering the same fate as Oldborne. If he does nothing, his family, friends, and everyone he's sworn to protect as a lawman will be entombed in sand.

 

SAND AND RUST, complete at 95,000 words, will appeal to fans of SF Mysteries like Artemis by Andy Weir and Sand by Hugh Howey.

 

I have sold short literature to Shoreline of Infinity and written numerous articles for Vulture Hound Magazine.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Me


All feedback appreciated: http://agentquerycon...ust-sf-mystery/

 


#35 Tanja

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Posted 25 April 2018 - 11:51 PM

First of all, you'll always find people who don't understand some things in a query. Plus, you'll never ever ever ever be able to please everyone. When your gut tells you it's right, that's when you start sending out a bunch of queries. And I don't mean 4 or 5, I'm talking at least 20 if not more. If you don't have any bites for either partial or fulls, then consider to change the query. But don't keep changing the query for the sake of making other people happy. You have to be happy with the result. It's your book, your story!

 

I think version #5 was great, clear and it has a lot of voice and detail to follow the entire plot. The new version is great, too, but there are now little additions which are not really needed. Like in the first para, that Eddwan wants revenge. I feel it's irrelevant because it's clear.

And I prefer this ending

If Eddwan goes against the government he risks suffering the same fate as Oldborne. If he does nothing, everyone he’s ever known will be entombed in sand.

 

But that's my opinion. Good luck

 

would be great if you could have another look at the latest version of my query. Thank you


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#36 Dasein

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Posted 26 April 2018 - 12:18 AM

Hi. I was just reading a query critique by agent Sara Megibow and she says that the first thing she does is check what genre the novel is. This query doesn't even mention the genre, except by using 2 initials. Are you just going to send it to agents who handle only sci fi so this isn't a problem?

From the opening sentence I get no clue what genre it is. What if you wrote something like this: "Discovering Sheriff Oldborne’s corpse teaches 22nd century Deputy Eddwan Underwood . . ."

#37 Oldborne

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Posted 26 April 2018 - 01:08 AM

Hi. I was just reading a query critique by agent Sara Megibow and she says that the first thing she does is check what genre the novel is. This query doesn't even mention the genre, except by using 2 initials. Are you just going to send it to agents who handle only sci fi so this isn't a problem?

From the opening sentence I get no clue what genre it is. What if you wrote something like this: "Discovering Sheriff Oldborne’s corpse teaches 22nd century Deputy Eddwan Underwood . . ."

I'm sorry, Dasein but this has confused me. The genre is Sci-fi (SF) Mystery, and is clearly stated in both the title of the post and in the body of the query. I suppose it falls into Dystopian as well but that's more of the setting and I'd rather not tag on every possible genre the book could fall under. I will be querying agents who represent SF because I have written a SF novel. When I query I always include the genre in my subject heading, so the agent won't even need to look far to know what I'm sending them.

Thanks for your thoughts.    


All feedback appreciated: http://agentquerycon...ust-sf-mystery/

 


#38 Tanja

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Posted 26 April 2018 - 11:59 PM

Hi Oldborne

I just noticed something when I read your query again. Yes you do mention that it's a SF mystery, but what you didn't put in, and I noticed a lot of people leave that crucial detail out is the age group. It's important to let the agent know if it's YA, NA or adult and it helps them to decide if it's the right story for them and what they represent at the time.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#39 punitrastogi

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Posted 27 April 2018 - 04:23 AM

I dont know what others have missed or disliked about this. If someone likes conspiracy/dystopian/social stories, they would definitely pick this up.

***UPDATE 6***

Thanks everyone for the mountain of feedback on the last draft. I've found this one tough because I really liked draft 5, and for everyone saying something didn't land or was confusing, someone else seemed to understand/liked it. I suppose that's the subjective nature of the beast. Either way, I've tried to expand on the areas that seemed to be causing the most grief but I really don't want to alter the current structure too dramatically as I feel it accurately represents my novel as it stands.

Not a lot is different here, but I've tried to be clearer with some details in the hopes that they raise fewer questions. 

Thank you as always. All feedback is massively appreciated.

------------------
 

Dear Agent,

 

Discovering Sheriff Oldborne’s corpse teaches Deputy Eddwan Underwood two things: Being poisoned is a shitty way to die, and he doesn’t want to be the next sheriff. He’s an old bruiser, a one-handed illiterate, and bad at staying objective. Eddwan doesn’t trust himself to change his jailhouse’s wheels after a mile of rough riding, let alone lead a murder investigation. But the citizens of Caravan’s ––a nomadic civilisation scouring post-apocalyptic deserts for resources and fertile land––demand justice for Oldborne. (can you give some inputs why? maybe Oldborne was a robin hood or one of them? or just for social justice?) All Eddwan wants is revenge.

 

After apprehending his only suspect, Eddwan is intercepted by an envoy from the Caravan’s commanding vehicle and forced to surrender his prisoner. If Eddwan’s sure of one thing, it’s that the Caravan’s leaders don’t give two fucks hoots (like someone said earlier, avoid profanities, unless your book contains a lot of them, in which case load it up) about their followers. Yet they cared enough to seize the Sheriff’s murderer. Obsessed with discovering why, Eddwan continues digging and unearths what had cost Oldborne his life: A government plot to conserve resources by abandoning the bulk of the Caravan.- This is the only place where I find myself lost. How is the death of Oldborne related to abandonment of the Caravan, and how does abandonment of Caravan related to death of the civilians? Since you have mentioned the root cause of all evil, you should give some insight on it. Or else, remove what he discovered and just hint that his discoveries would endanger his survival against the survivals of civilians -  Directionless in the desert wastes, without necessities or hope, countless innocent civilians would perish.

 

If Eddwan goes against the government, he risks suffering the same fate as Oldborne. If he does nothing, his family, friends, and everyone he's sworn to protect as a lawman will be entombed in sand. (If there ever was a dilemma written with extreme clarity, it is this one. Great job)

 

SAND AND RUST, complete at 95,000 words, will appeal to fans of SF Mysteries like Artemis by Andy Weir and Sand by Hugh Howey.

 

I have sold short literature to Shoreline of Infinity and written numerous articles for Vulture Hound Magazine.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Me

 

Apolgies if my comments are contrary to what others might have written to you previously.

You can always disagree with me and do what you think is best for your story.

It is your story after all.

 

Hope it helps.

 

Please have a look at my query when you get a chance. :)






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