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#1 A. Wass

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Posted 27 March 2018 - 12:32 PM

So I hate writing a synopsis. Hate. Hate. Hate. I'd rather write a hundred queries. But unfortunately some of my top choice agents require it, so here I am. Any feedback is greatly appreciated. Some places I've read that it should be 1 page, single spaced, which mine is. Other places should say between 500-600 words, which makes this a little long, so any ideas of cutting some pieces without losing the information would be great.

 

Revision on Post #3.

 

In the kingdoms of Elyria and Karda, every person is born with an ability. The only heir to Karda, DEACON, is a Shocker, someone born with an electric touch. His parents want him to choose a queen before he takes the throne, but getting married means sharing a consciousness by taking “the bond.” The thought of sharing thoughts, physical and emotional sensations, and abilities with a stranger repulses him. Deacon and his family travel to Elyria for their annual Festival of Life, a celebratory tribute to the gods, to meet the eldest princess, whom is mother wishes him to marry.

 

The youngest princess of Elyria, ELONY, is a Seer, someone who has visions of the future. She has the rarest and most sought after ability and is often courted by people who wish to attain the ability by bonding. However, she is in love with her childhood best friend, CAZ, and they plan to take the bond once she comes of age after the festival. Lately, Elony’s visions of the future have become dark and foreboding. They often occur at the boundary, a magical wall that separates her kingdom from a barren wasteland. She has trouble interpreting the meaning of the visions.

 

When Deacon meets his betrothed, her beauty captivates him. He elicits the help of her younger sister, Elony, to plan ways to get to know his betrothed, but he quickly realizes she’s only after is crown and isn’t any different than the other girls he has already turned down. He becomes fast friends with Elony and Caz and uses the trip to enjoy the festival and train his abilities with them.

After drinking too much wine one night during the festival, Elony and Caz are caught kissing by her father, the king. He forbids them from seeing each other anymore. Elony wants to run away and take the bond in secret, but Caz ends things between them. Broken hearted, she tells Caz she doesn’t want to see him again, and he leaves.

 

Elony and Deacon both want to escape the palace, so they explore the lake lands around Elyria and the capital city as a distraction. One night, Elony has a vision of Caz accidentally crossing the boundary. Once someone crosses, they can never return, so she and Deacon race to try to stop it. Caz crosses and Elony tries to go after him, but when she touches the wall, there’s an explosion. The explosion gives Elony a vision of her own death in the future and stop her heart, but Deacon shocks her back to life. Somehow, Caz manages to cross back over.

 

After being in a coma for a few days, Caz awakes but isn’t acting like himself. He has no recent memories, keeps losing moments of time, and is more aggressive than usual. Meanwhile, emaciated bodies are discovered in the palace that seem to be drained of life. Deacon figures out Caz must have something to do with the murders and goes to confront him. He finds Caz attacking Elony, trying to force her to bond with him. Elony stops him by using abilities that she shouldn’t have.

 

Elony learns that when Caz crossed the boundary the twisted spirit of a past king, KILLIAN, possessed him. Elony has visions of long ago when Karda and Elyria were one kingdom ruled by a bonded pair known as the Anointed. The Anointed were chosen by the gods and possessed all of the abilities instead of just one. The last Anointed, Killian, lost his wife by her own hand after losing their children to plague. Killian made a deal with the death god to restore her. In exchange, Killian would sacrifice souls to the death god and do his bidding. When his wife was resurrected, she saw what he had become and used her abilities to build the boundary and lock Killian behind it. No Anointed was born after that.

 

Elony is the reincarnation of Killian’s wife and has all the abilities. Now that he’s free, he’ll do anything to bond with her again before taking over the kingdom. When she refuses him, he kills Elony’s father as a warning of what will happen if she doesn’t agree.

 

Deacon realizes he has deep feelings for Elony and would do anything to keep her out of Killian’s control. He offers to bond with her so that Killian can’t force her to bond. Torn between her love of Caz and her growing feelings for Deacon, she reluctantly agrees, knowing it’s the best chance she has at saving Caz from Killian’s possession. They underdo the bonding ceremony. When Killian learns what they’ve done, he tries to kill Deacon to sever their bond. Feeling like she has no other choice, Elony kills Killian in an epic battle of abilities, sacrificing herself to save Deacon and stop Killian from hurting anymore people. But because Elony has all the abilities and Deacon and Elony bonded, Deacon uses the ability to heal and saves Elony.

 

They settle into their life in Karda and Elony tries to adapt to her new life as a future queen while mourning the loss of her father and Caz. Even though no one could have survived the deathblow she dealt Killian, Elony’s dreams plague her of visions that he’s still alive.



#2 Author CJ Black

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Posted 27 March 2018 - 09:13 PM

In the kingdoms of Elyria and Karda, every person is born with an ability –every person in the kingdom has a magical ability?  You may wish to narrow this down a little bit.  Also what other types of magical abilities are there?  The only heir to Karda, DEACON, is a Shocker (I like this), someone born with an electric touch. His parents want him to choose a queen before he takes the throne, but getting married means sharing a consciousness by taking “the bond.” The thought – idea, concept? of sharing thoughts,---delete and replace one of the thoughts -- physical and emotional sensations, and abilities with a stranger repulses him. Deacon and his family travel to Elyria for their annual Festival of Life, a celebratory tribute to the gods, to meet the eldest princess, whom is mother wishes him to marry.

 

The youngest princess of Elyria, ELONY, is a Seer, someone who has visions of the future. She has the rarest and most sought after ability and is often courted by people who wish to attain the ability by bonding. However, she is in love with her childhood best friend, CAZ, and they plan to take the bond once she comes of age after the festival. Lately, Elony’s visions of the future have become dark and foreboding. They often occur at the boundary, a magical wall that separates her kingdom from a barren wasteland. She has trouble interpreting the meaning of the visions.

 

When Deacon meets his betrothed, -- who is she?  What is her name?  If she is integral to the plot we need some information about her-- her beauty captivates him. He elicits the help of her younger sister, Elony, -- this is confusing without any information about his betrothed --  to plan ways to get to know his betrothed, but he quickly realizes she’s only after his crown and isn’t any different than the other girls he has already turned down. How does he come to know this?    He becomes fast friends with Elony and Caz and uses the trip to enjoy the festival and train his abilities with them.   Maybe word it like this instead -- He develops a friendship with Elony and Caz and decides to enjoy the festival and hone his skills with their assistance.

 

After drinking too much wine one night during the festival, Elony and Caz are caught kissing by her father, the king. He forbids them from seeing each other anymore. Elony wants to run away and take the bond in secret, but Caz ends things between them. --Why does he choose to do this?  Broken hearted, she tells Caz she doesn’t want to see him again, and he leaves.

 

Elony and Deacon both want to escape the palace, so they explore the lake lands around Elyria and the capital city as a distraction. One night, Elony has a vision of Caz accidentally crossing the boundary. –What boundary?  What does it look like?  Once someone crosses, they can never return--Why?, so she and Deacon race to try to stop it him. Caz crosses and Elony tries to go after him, but when she touches the wall – so this boundary is an actual wall?  And why does it explode? there’s an explosion. The explosion gives Elony a vision of her own death in the future and stops her heart, but Deacon shocks her back to life. Somehow, Caz manages to cross back over. --We need a bit more information.  Somehow doesn’t explain much.

 

After being in a coma for a few days, Caz awakens but isn’t acting like himself. He has no recent memories, keeps losing moments of time, and is more aggressive than usual. Meanwhile, emaciated bodies are discovered in the palace that seem to be drained of life. Deacon figures out Caz must have something to do with the murders and goes to confront him. He finds Caz attacking Elony, trying to force her to bond with him. Elony stops him by using abilities that she shouldn’t have. --How does she suddenly gain new experiences?

 

Elony learns that when Caz crossed the boundary the twisted spirit of a past king, KILLIAN, possessed him. Elony has visions of long ago when Karda and Elyria were one kingdom ruled by a bonded pair known as the Anointed. The Anointed were chosen by the gods and possessed all of the abilities instead of just one. The last Anointed, Killian, lost his wife by her own hand after losing their children to plague. Killian made a deal with the death god to restore her. In exchange, Killian would sacrifice souls to the death god and do his bidding. When his wife was resurrected, she saw what he had become and used her abilities to build the boundary and lock Killian behind it. No Anointed was born after that. – This seems like a lot in one paragraph.  I’m not certain what you could do with it but it seems that this information is something Elony should already know. 

 

Elony is the reincarnation of Killian’s wife and has all the abilities. –How does she find this out? Now that he’s free, he’ll do anything to bond with her again before taking over the kingdom. When she refuses him, he kills Elony’s father as a warning of what will happen if she doesn’t agree.

 

Deacon realizes he has deep feelings for Elony and would do anything to keep her out of Killian’s control. He offers to bond with her so that Killian can’t force her to bond. Torn between her love of Caz and her growing feelings for Deacon, she reluctantly agrees, knowing it’s the best chance she has at saving Caz from Killian’s possession. They underdo the bonding ceremony. When Killian learns what they’ve done, he tries to kill Deacon to sever their bond. Feeling like she has no other choice, Elony kills Killian in an epic battle of abilities, sacrificing herself to save Deacon and stop Killian from hurting anymore people those she cares about. But because Elony has all the abilities and Deacon and Elony bonded, Deacon uses the ability to heal and saves Elony.  --We didn’t know he had this ability.

 

They settle into their life in Karda and Elony tries to adapt to her new life as a future queen while mourning the loss of her father and Caz. Even though no one could have survived the deathblow she dealt Killian, Elony’s dreams plague her of visions that he’s still alive.

 

 

This sounds like it’s going to be a great read and I can’t wait to see it on the shelves.  I believe what you need to work on is the personalities of the characters.  Caz is supposed to be a major player but we don’t see anything from his POV.  His transformation to the villain is rather abrupt.  Spend a bit more time providing information about the various abilities people possess.  Just mentioning Elony and Deacon having all the abilities doesn’t tell us much. Is the vain princess a major character?  If not I would leave her out of the synopsis altogether.  In fact, and this is just my suggestion, so feel free to ignore it, perhaps the vain princess should be dropped altogether and make Elony the one he is supposed to marry.  You can still have the hate into friendship, into love relationship.  Best of luck to you!


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#3 A. Wass

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Posted 27 March 2018 - 11:06 PM

Thanks CJ Black! You made some good points. Here is another go at it.

 

 

In the kingdoms of Elyria and Karda, every person is born with a magical ability. Geos control earth. Growers control plants. Mirages create illusions. Pyros control fire. Frosts control ice. Healers can mend injuries. Pushers control air. Speeders move faster than the eye can see. Keepers have a photographic memory. Shockers have an electric touch. Seers have visions of the future. Shields can suppress the abilities in others.

 

The only heir to Karda, DEACON, is a Shocker. His parents want him to choose a queen before he takes the throne, but getting married means sharing a consciousness by taking “the bond.” He hates the idea of sharing thoughts, physical and emotional sensations, and abilities with a stranger.

 

The youngest princess of Elyria, ELONY, is a Seer. She has the rarest and most sought after ability and is often courted by people who wish to attain the ability by bonding with her. However, she is in love with her childhood best friend, CAZ, and they plan to take the bond once she comes of age. Lately, Elony’s visions of the future have become dark and foreboding. They often occur at the Boundary, a magical wall that separates her kingdom from a barren wasteland, and she has trouble interpreting the meaning of the visions.

 

Deacon and his family travel to Elyria for the annual Festival of Life, a celebratory tribute to the gods. He becomes fast friends with Elony and Caz, taking joy in the sparring and contests they have to hone their abilities.

 

After drinking too much wine one night during the festival, Elony and Caz are caught kissing by her father, the king. He forbids them from seeing each other. Elony wants to run away and take the bond in secret, but Caz doesn’t want to disobey the king and ends things between them. Broken hearted, she tells Caz she doesn’t want to see him again, and he leaves.

 

Elony and Deacon both want to escape the palace, so they explore the lake lands around Elyria and the capital city as a distraction. One night, Elony has a vision of Caz accidentally crossing the Boundary. Once someone crosses, they can never return, so she and Deacon race to try to stop him. Caz crosses and Elony tries to go after him, but when she touches the wall of magic, there’s an explosion. The explosion gives Elony a vision of her own death in the future and stops her heart, but Deacon shocks her back to life. During the explosion, Caz manages to cross back over.

 

After being in a coma for a few days, Caz awakens but isn’t acting like himself. He has no recent memories, keeps losing moments of time, and is more aggressive than usual. Meanwhile, emaciated bodies are discovered in the palace that seem to be drained of life. Deacon figures out Caz must have something to do with the murders and goes to confront him. He finds Caz attacking Elony, trying to force her to bond with him. Elony stops him by using abilities that she shouldn’t have.

 

Elony learns that when Caz crossed the boundary the twisted spirit of a past king, KILLIAN, possessed him. Elony has visions of long ago when Karda and Elyria were one kingdom ruled by a bonded pair known as the Anointed. The Anointed were chosen by the gods and possessed all of the abilities instead of just one. The last Anointed, Killian, lost his wife by her own hand after losing their children to plague. Killian made a deal with the death god to restore her. In exchange, Killian would sacrifice souls to the death god and do his bidding. When his wife was resurrected, she saw what he had become and used her abilities to build the Boundary and lock Killian behind it. No Anointed was born after that, and Killian bided his time to be freed.

 

Elony bears an uncanny resemblance to Killian’s wife. He believes Elony is her reincarnation, which explains why she suddenly has all of the abilities and was able to free him from his prison. Now that he’s free, he’ll do anything to bond with her again before taking over the kingdom. When she refuses him, he kills Elony’s father as a warning of what will happen if she doesn’t agree.

 

Deacon realizes he has deep feelings for Elony and would do anything to keep her out of Killian’s control. He offers to bond with her so that Killian can’t. Torn between her love of Caz and her growing feelings for Deacon, she reluctantly agrees, knowing it’s the best chance she has at saving Caz from Killian’s possession. They undergo the bonding ceremony. When Killian learns what they’ve done, he tries to kill Deacon to sever their bond. Feeling like she has no other choice, Elony kills Killian in an epic battle of abilities, sacrificing herself to save Deacon. With Elony on the brink of death, Deacon taps into their bond to access Elony’s abilities and heals her.

 

They settle into their life in Karda and Elony tries to adapt to her new role as a future queen while mourning the loss of her father and Caz. Even though no one could have survived the deathblow she dealt Killian, Elony’s dreams plague her of visions that he’s still alive.



#4 SnowFox23

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Posted 09 April 2018 - 02:50 AM

In the kingdoms of Elyria and Karda, every person is born with a magical ability. Geos control earth. Growers control plants. Mirages create illusions. Pyros control fire. Frosts control ice. Healers can mend injuries. Pushers control air. Speeders move faster than the eye can see. Keepers have a photographic memory. Shockers have an electric touch. Seers have visions of the future. Shields can suppress the abilities in others.

 

The only heir to Karda, DEACON, is a Shocker. His parents want him to choose a queen before he takes the throne, but getting married means sharing a consciousness by taking “the bond.” He hates the idea of sharing thoughts, physical and emotional sensations, and abilities with a stranger.

 

The youngest princess of Elyria, ELONY, is a Seer. She has the rarest and most sought after ability and is often courted by people who wish to attain the ability by bonding with her. However, she is in love with her childhood best friend, CAZ, and they plan to take the bond once she comes of age. Lately, Elony’s visions of the future have become dark and foreboding. They often occur at the Boundary, a magical wall that separates her kingdom from a barren wasteland, and she has trouble interpreting the meaning of the visions.

 

Deacon and his family travel to Elyria for the annual Festival of Life, a celebratory tribute to the gods. He becomes fast friends with Elony and Caz, taking joy in the sparring and contests they have to hone their abilities.

 

After drinking too much wine one night during the festival, Elony and Caz are caught kissing by her father, the king. He forbids them from seeing each other. Elony wants to run away and take the bond in secret, but Caz doesn’t want to disobey the king and ends things between them. Broken hearted, she tells Caz she doesn’t want to see him again, and he leaves.

 

Elony and Deacon both want to escape the palace, so they explore the lake lands around Elyria and the capital city as a distraction. One night, Elony has a vision of Caz accidentally crossing the Boundary. Once someone crosses, they can never return, so she and Deacon race to try to stop him. Caz crosses and Elony tries to go after him, but when she touches the wall of magic, there’s an explosion. The explosion gives Elony a vision of her own death in the future and stops her heart, but Deacon shocks her back to life. During the explosion, Caz manages to cross back over.

 

After being in a coma for a few days, Caz awakens but isn’t acting like himself. He has no recent memories, keeps losing moments of time, and is more aggressive than usual. Meanwhile, emaciated bodies are discovered in the palace that seem to be drained of life. Deacon figures out Caz must have something to do with the murders and goes to confront him. He finds Caz attacking Elony, trying to force her to bond with him. Elony stops him by using abilities that she shouldn’t have.

 

Elony learns that when Caz crossed the boundary the twisted spirit of a past king, KILLIAN, possessed him. Elony has visions of long ago when Karda and Elyria were one kingdom ruled by a bonded pair known as the Anointed. The Anointed were chosen by the gods and possessed all of the abilities instead of just one. The last Anointed, Killian, lost his wife by her own hand after losing their children to plague. Killian made a deal with the death god to restore her. In exchange, Killian would sacrifice souls to the death god and do his bidding. When his wife was resurrected, she saw what he had become and used her abilities to build the Boundary and lock Killian behind it. No Anointed was born after that, and Killian bided his time to be freed.

 

Elony bears an uncanny resemblance to Killian’s wife. He believes Elony is her reincarnation, which explains why she suddenly has all of the abilities and was able to free him from his prison. Now that he’s free, he’ll do anything to bond with her again before taking over the kingdom. When she refuses him, he kills Elony’s father as a warning of what will happen if she doesn’t agree.

 

Deacon realizes he has deep feelings for Elony and would do anything to keep her out of Killian’s control. He offers to bond with her so that Killian can’t. Torn between her love of Caz and her growing feelings for Deacon, she reluctantly agrees, knowing it’s the best chance she has at saving Caz from Killian’s possession. They undergo the bonding ceremony. When Killian learns what they’ve done, he tries to kill Deacon to sever their bond. Feeling like she has no other choice, Elony kills Killian in an epic battle of abilities, sacrificing herself to save Deacon. With Elony on the brink of death, Deacon taps into their bond to access Elony’s abilities and heals her.

 

They settle into their life in Karda and Elony tries to adapt to her new role as a future queen while mourning the loss of her father and Caz. Even though no one could have survived the deathblow she dealt Killian, Elony’s dreams plague her of visions that he’s still alive.

 

Synopsis's suck, don't they? However, this is really well done. I can imagine the story in my mind, and IT IS COOL! I don't really have any suggestions, except enjoy the full and partial requests coming your way :)

Has your manuscript been read by any beta readers? How close are you to querying?

Cheers!



#5 A. Wass

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Posted 11 April 2018 - 02:05 PM

Synopsis's suck, don't they? However, this is really well done. I can imagine the story in my mind, and IT IS COOL! I don't really have any suggestions, except enjoy the full and partial requests coming your way :)

Has your manuscript been read by any beta readers? How close are you to querying?

Cheers!

 

Hi Snowfox! It was sent to a few beta readers but none have gotten back to me. I only sent out a few queries to agents who were about to close to queries so I sent one before I missed my chance. Haven't heard back yet. I want to send out a batch of queries but I'm refraining until I get some beta readers feedback. 






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