Managed to get it down to 1097 words with the help of Grammarly and ProWriting Aid. I don't know if I can cut anymore. As always comments are appreciated and I will return the favor if you leave a link .
At seventeen, STAGECOACH MARY FIELDS (her name is stagecoach?) is an Earth Shaker, possessing the ability to crush solid objects with her force of will. What starts out as a search for a missing Songstress (this is unrelated to the first sentence. Maybe it's missing a connection), a Blackfoot girl named Minaku (you mean MINAKU if that's her name, right?) places her in conflict with a group of magicians known as Bone Workers. (not sure how well this sentence works. You could say "And Mary uses those skills to look for a missing Songstress, a Blackfoor girl named MINAKU, but there are some people who don't want her to be found." or something since "placing her in conflict" is pretty weak as a construction)
Mary’s investigation takes her to Edai (and Edai is? Is the name of this place super important? If you need to cut wordcount, it's these details that either have to be justified or cut, because right now, I'm not sure why the name is important). Once there, she speaks with some locals and they tell her about Bone Workers (These two sentences could be punched up and concise, why is it important she talk to locals, why not " Mary's investigation leads her to a group called the Bone Worker" and then you don't have to mention them in the first paragraph, since the name doesn't do anything there.). Practitioners of a vile magic, they create constructs of rotting flesh and bone, brought to life by the souls of people taken as sacrifices.(I think this wording could have more action "souls of people they've sacrifices" implies more action on the Bone Workers vs just, the souls were sort of just taken.)
Decades ago, during a war they betrayed the government in an attempted coup. A Songstress brought victory to Edai’s military. As punishment, the government exiled those involved. (Why is this information important? I get the missing girl->evil Bone workers, but does it matter what happened to the military? I already don't like the bone works, is it super important that they were punished)
Mary takes a room at a small hotel and rescues ISABELLA LEEFORD from a demon (this is again unlrelated. Have some connecting sentences "While continuing to dig into the history of the Bone Workers (if you feel the history is SUPER important), Mary takes a room at a hotel where a girl is being attacked by a demon. Mary saves the girl, ISABELLA LEFORD" even if it's a synopsis this needs to read as an action summary not a listen). Isabella,
is a Straw Master capable of manipulating people like puppets, She tells Mary that her own sister, another Songstress is missing. They agree to work together to investigate the sudden rash of missing Songstresses.
They return to Isabella’s home and on the way, Mary sees four thugs following them who they lose (this kind of makes me go "so what" because there's no conflict. You could say she sees four thugs following them. and then we're like, "oh no, the thugs!" instead of saying that they lose them which is a little "so what?" because you eliminated the threat. Later it seems the threat might be "who sent them" I think it'd be better to have the type of threat there when it's introduced. "As they reutned to Isabella's home, Mary realizes that four thugs have attempted to follow them, but who could have sent them?" or something. But if we don't care who sent them, it doesn't matter and it's not worth mentioning since this is easily solved. Again, if you need to cut word count, I think this is a place you could snip). She cautions Isabella’s family about the thugs and figures that someone must finance the Bone Workers (these are unrelated. Like, completely unrelated clauses unless the thugs are financing the Bone Workers).
They get information about a house on the docks where Bone Workers were staying (how? from who?). Following a tip (this works better, get the feeling of things. This isn't a list of events.), Mary goes there first to search for clues but finds nothing. (I don't know if there is one thing in this paragraph that I really feel is important after coming to the end, does it matter that Mary finds nothing? Doesn't seem like it. I think all the information here could be cut.)
Mary enters a bar and meets EMMA PORTER, who is searching for her friend, GINNY CHAMP These are a LOT of characters and names). Emma tells Mary that Ginny is seeking revenge for her father’s death at the hands of the Bone Workers. Emma fears for her friend’s life as she left to confront the Bone Workers and never returned. Mary agrees to find Ginny as well since it involves the Bone Workers.
Afterward, Mary escorts Emma home.(I get the feeling that you're focused on accuracy here and chronicling EXACTLY what happened instead of condensing and telling a story. Does it really matter that Mary walked her home? Are people going to wonder "but WAIT how did Emma get home?" no. )
The next day, Mary
meets withand Isabella and they(take out the filler actions where people are meeting and just have this more ACTION. It's not important that they meet first) search the names of wealthy families connected to the Bone Workers. One name stands out—Ware(Why are only some of the names capitalized here. shouldn't it be WARE). Mary travels outside town to the Ware mansion but leaves Isabella behind. Worried for her, Isabella uses a spell to transport herself to the house. (if Isabella is going to show up anyway, so literary agents at the query stage REALLY need to know that Mary tries to leave her behind? Will the whole synopsis fall apart without it?)
Mary enters the mansion first and finds Minaku chained in the basement with a Bone Worker guarding her. They fight (this is the blandest way possible to describe this)
and Mary gets injured.but Isabella comes to save her. The Bone Worker escapes and they find Minaku’s voice stolen(for all the random things mentioned, it's not mentioned how a Songstresses powers relate to their voice and until now I didn't think there was a connection). They return to Isabella’s home and Mary receives more information about the Ware family . Isabella is asleep on the couch but wakes just in time enough to hear Mary mention Emma Porter, whom she knows. Isabella begs Mary to allow her to go with her to check on Emma. Mary leaves Minaku in the Leeford’s care as she receives a tip about Ware, involving Emma Porter and dashes to find answers. (It's not important that they return home and saying that Mary receives information but not what that information is, is annoying and the fact taht Isabella is asleep but then wakes up? Not important. Literally, she's asleep. Being clear and concise is more important than 100% accuracy at this stage.)
Upon arriving, Emma’s sister asks Mary to take Emma with her for her(who? Emma's? Mary's? Emma's sister? There are 3 girls here) own protection although she refuses to explain why. They return to Mary’s hotel and rent a room for Emma
. Later thebut Bone Workers set a fire hoping to kill all three girls. but Narrowly, they escape. (Try to connect things, so it's not just "this happened. This happened." I think more cause and effect will help it read better even if it's long. Connection)Then, Mary notices someone standing away from the crowds. Their gazes lock and he runs and Mary follows speds after him (action! cause and effect! connection). The man escapes by attacking her using constructs and even as both Isabella and Emma join Mary in the fight, their enemy runs away. Isabella uses her power to take control of one of his constructs in order to use it to track him down. (Why is this man attacking her important? This is like the thugs. If it's not the central mystery of the Bone Workers, immediately, you can cut it.)
The three return to Isabella’s home where Emma receives a letter from Ginny, explaining that she is with a group of Bone Workers who refuse to continue helping the other members of their faction.(What does this even mean? One of the things that not working here is that there are so many things that happen and then stop (the thugs, Marying finding a clue but then it's nothing, this attack that then has no consequences) is that it's hard to know what's important to pay attention to. A query should follow the same "yes, but" / "no and" structure of a novel. "yes, they succeed and finding out about Ware and rescuing Minaku, but then they find out their friend is invovled!" from the previously paragraph works well. If that's how I understand it. But all these other "they fought, then they escaped. Then end" doesn't help because it's not complicating, advancing the plot. Or at least, it's not explained how it is. I think there's lots of little things that can be cut here.) Later after dark, Mary and Isabella use the construct and find their enemy holed up in a dilapidated house on the other side of the city. The
police have followed them but instead of sending them away, they deputize both girls and enter the house. (I'm not sure the presence of the police is super important here) The Bone Worker has several constructs attack them and d uring the fight, Mary chases him upstairs andbut he jumps out the window and into a canal below. (again, make things more action-y, cut extra words, and have more connections that are cause and effect)
As the police are dragging the canal(what does dragging the canal mean), dozens of constructs comeburst out the water. Many escape bu and others attack (punch it up with action!). Mary and Isabella help fight them off but the constructs that left the scene concerns Mary. She instructs Isabella to use her construct to track them . They follow them to their headquarters for the magicians. It turns out, The Bone Workers are starting a preliminary strike made to silence every Songstress (connecting words. This isn't a list.). The purpose being there will be no one to oppose the one they have chosen—I(This is so wordy) Thi way Isabella’s sister, to can sing the dark song that will draw out negative emotions in those who hear it, leaving them unable to react(unable to react to what? Also, Emma and Ginny seem super unimportant to the main plot and almost everything concerning it except that one line that makes them take her to a hotel, but that could easily be rearrange to not include her and just stick with Isabella and Mary).
When Mary and Isabella arrive, the police have surrounded the building,
where the constructs broke in . The constructs attack. Mary and Isabella join the fight and during this, someone calls Ginny’s name. They’ve (who? I still don't care about Ginny. She's unrelated to the main plot and I keep forgetting what she's doing. I would say her entire subplot is cuttable but if you really want her in, it's still not working this way)found her but Ginny leaves in pursuit of the Bone Worker leading the attack. Mary and Isabella follow and they arrive on the scene where a coach is sitting and the woman Ginny is pursuing brings out Isabella’s sister. She sings, and the sound has them drowning in their painful memories. In an act of desperation, Mary shoots Isabella’s sister in the shoulder and then shoots the Bone Worker. Whoever is in the coach flees. (I feel like this paragraph could be simplified to "When Mary and Isabella arrive a the headquarters, the constructs attack. They try their best to fight them off, but a mysterious woman in a coach strikes pre-emptively, bringing our Isabella's sister to sing her dark song. The song drowns them in memories and in act of desperation, Mary shoots Isabella's sister and the Bone Worker too." If you really wanted to include the police you could add at the end "by this point police have arrived at the scene" or something. But again. you have all these little clauses that can be cut and simplified.)
The police take Mary and her companions in for questioning and afterward they all return to Isabella’s home. Then Ginny tells them of joining forces with the separated faction of Bone Workers and that theyshe received intelligence that the others plan to attack again, using an old church and a graveyard outside the city as their base of operations. Ginny leads them to her companions and they agree to fight together. (This feels like a too late plot development. Also it's pretty obivious by the next paragraph they're going to attack and the question of the police doesn't advance the Bone Worker plot)
Mary, the other girls,
and the local police go to the graveyard and the battle begins. Mary and Isabella find the other kidnapped Songstresses but only one has survived. As the enemy falters, the true leader of the Bone Workers, SIMONE WARE-KADWELL, confronts Mary and tells her this strike is only the first of many plans to topple the government. Mary challenges Simone but she escapes and her followers taken into custody or killed.
Mary spends time in the hospital because of her injuries.(there's a lot of "but then Mary is injured" which I think is supposed to serve as consequence but if she recovers, it doesn't matter, we can assume the battle was bloody.) Isabella’s reunion with her sister is bittersweet, she is alive but the Bone Workers have destroyed her spirit. Isabella joins the military so she can continue to fight and halt Simone’s schemes(this feels like a good ending for Isabella honestly). Isabella invites Ginny and Emma to stay(I have no idea why this would matter). When the four gather at Isabella’s home (It's not important we know that that THEY know this, so the invitations to the home, Mary telling them, doesn't matter. It only matters what they do know), Mary tells them that now she is a part of joins the fight against the Bone Workers and will return. Mary escorts Minaku home while knowing that Simone is watching.