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CIRCUIT (adult dystopia)


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#1 NerdWitch

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Posted 28 March 2018 - 05:43 AM

I've postes this before twice but I finally have something I think is better than the other versions. Will return feedbck.

-----------

Dear (Agent’s Name)

LifeSource Industries and their miracle truth drug labelled Laura Bishop a terrorist. Not because it revealed the truth but because she’s immune to it and that makes her dangerous.

Luckily, Detective Jonah Nolan is about to make the arrest of his career. Bringing in Laura with give the promotion and closure he’s always needed. What he doesn’t know is that Laura thinks she’s found her salvation in a stolen flash-drive. It contains information that could expose LifeSource for what it truly is; a front for illegal human cybernetics fronted by Laura’s own brother.

On the day of her execution, Laura gives Jonah a choice. If he helps her escape they can work together to uncover the crime of the century and find answers to a personal cold case from years before. Or he can let her die, knowing the so-called Utopia he lives in is a lie.

Completed at 70,000 words, I’d like to send you the CIRCUIT. A fast-paced speculative fiction that will appeal to fans of William Gibson’s Virtual Light.

Thank you for your time.

Please help me with my query http://agentquerycon...dystopiasci-fi/
And my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...it/#entry330157


 


#2 IndusiumGriseum

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Posted 28 March 2018 - 09:31 AM

I've postes this before twice but I finally have something I think is better than the other versions. Will return feedbck.

-----------

Dear (Agent’s Name)

LifeSource Industries and their miracle truth drug labelled Laura Bishop a terrorist. (This...is really confusing. I'd reword this.) Not because it revealed the truth but because she’s immune to it and that makes her dangerous. (You could probably start with the fact that Laura is immune to the drug and why LifeSource Industries wouldn't want that)

 

(At this point, I don't really know anything about Laura. Is she your MC? If so, I would go into more detail about who she is and what she wants.)

Luckily, Detective Jonah Nolan is about to make the arrest of his career. Bringing in Laura with give the promotion and closure he’s always needed. (Closure for what?) What he doesn’t know is that Laura thinks she’s found her salvation in a stolen flash-drive. (This is confusing too. Does she steal it? I don't know what's going on.) It contains information that could expose LifeSource for what it truly is; a front for illegal human cybernetics fronted by Laura’s own brother. (Definitely give this detail more dramatic weight, starting with introducing Laura as a person.)

On the day of her execution, Laura gives Jonah a choice. If he helps her escape they can work together to uncover the crime of the century and find answers to a personal cold case from years before. Or he can let her die, knowing the so-called Utopia he lives in is a lie. (The way you word this is not very exciting.)

Completed at 70,000 words, I’d like to send you the CIRCUIT. A fast-paced speculative fiction that will appeal to fans of William Gibson’s Virtual Light. CIRCUIT is a speculative fiction novel complete at 70,000 words. It will appeal to fans of William Gibson's VIRTUAL LIGHT.

Thank you for your time.

 

This is a good start, but what I want to know most is who Laura is as a character. I don't know anything about her except what happens to her externally. What is her internal conflict? She has to have some of that because her own brother wants to kill her. I'd like to know a little more about Jonah too. Why is he torturing himself by being trapped between these two choices? I'm also a bit confused about how LifeSource fits into the Utopia. Is LifeSource THE Utopia? This query leaves me with a lot of questions, and I'm dying to know more! I'll help in any way I can. :)


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#3 RosieSkye

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Posted 28 March 2018 - 10:33 AM

I've postes this before twice but I finally have something I think is better than the other versions. Will return feedbck.

-----------

Dear (Agent’s Name)

LifeSource Industries and their miracle truth drug labelled Laura Bishop a terrorist. Not because it revealed the truth but because she’s immune to it and that makes her dangerous.

Luckily, Detective Jonah Nolan is about to make the arrest of his career. Bringing in Laura with give ("will earn him?") the promotion and closure he’s always needed. (Why does he need closure?) What he doesn’t know is that Laura thinks she’s found her salvation in a stolen flash-drive. It contains information that could expose LifeSource for what it truly is; a front for illegal human cybernetics fronted by Laura’s own brother.

On the day of her execution, (this feels like a big jump - in the last paragraph Nolan was just gearing up to arrest her, and now she's about to be executed.) Laura gives Jonah a choice. If he helps her escape they can work together to uncover the crime of the century and find answers to a personal cold case from years before. Or he can let her die, knowing the so-called Utopia he lives in is a lie. (It feels like there are some missing pieces missing here.  How does he find out about the flash drive?  Why does he believe her?  From his perspective, wouldn't somebody who's about to be executed say anything to escape and stay alive?)

Completed at 70,000 words, I’d like to send you the CIRCUIT. A fast-paced speculative fiction that will appeal to fans of William Gibson’s Virtual Light.  (Your sentence structure gets funky here.  "CIRCUIT is a 70,000-word work of speculative fiction that will appeal to fans of William Gibson’s Virtual Light.")

Thank you for your time.

 

 

Hope this helps!



#4 JMB

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Posted 28 March 2018 - 09:39 PM

This query is full of grammatical errors. You are going to need a friend with strong editing skills to go line-by-line through your query (and probably for your manuscript as well).

#5 NerdWitch

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Posted 29 March 2018 - 02:00 AM

JMB that's not particular helpful and it's quite rude to assume my manuscript is the same especially when it's something I've been working on for 3 years.
Also queries are extremely difficult to write.

Please help me with my query http://agentquerycon...dystopiasci-fi/
And my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...it/#entry330157


 


#6 NerdWitch

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Posted 29 March 2018 - 02:35 AM

@RosieSkye and @IndusiumGriseum thank you so much I will work on a revision.

Please help me with my query http://agentquerycon...dystopiasci-fi/
And my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...it/#entry330157


 


#7 NerdWitch

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Posted 29 March 2018 - 03:48 AM

2nd draft. I'm aware it's possibly a bit chunky in places but I've tried to make it more interesting.

---------------------

Dear (Agent’s Name)

Laura Bishop had a good life. A family she loved and a promising future. LifeSource Industries took all that away from her when they created the truth drug Vocacium. It was meant to be a gateway to Utopia and a world without lies. Unfortunately for Laura, the drug has no effect on her and that makes her dangerous.

Now, people like Laura are outlawed and hunted. Her only way of protection lies beneath the streets of London where a group of mercenaries called the Circuit live. Laura knows she can’t stay in hiding forever and her days are numbered.

Luckily, Detective Jonah Nolan is about to make the arrest of his career. Bringing in Laura with give the promotion and closure he’s always needed. What he doesn’t know is that Laura thinks she’s found her salvation in a stolen flash-drive. It contains information that could expose LifeSource for what it truly is; a cover for illegal human cybernetics fronted by Laura’s own brother.

On the day of her execution, Laura gives Jonah a choice. If he helps her escape they can work together to uncover the crime of the century and find answers to a personal cold case from years before. Or he can let her die an innocent, knowing the so-called Utopia he lives in is a lie.

CIRCUIT is a 70,000 word-work of speculative fiction that will appeal to fans of William Gibson’s Virtual Light.

Thank you for your time.

Please help me with my query http://agentquerycon...dystopiasci-fi/
And my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...it/#entry330157


 


#8 JMB

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Posted 29 March 2018 - 07:14 AM

My comment was meant to be helpful, not rude. Problems in a query are often a reflection of problems in a manuscript. I genuinely recommend you have someone with a strong command of technical language skills go through your MS before you send pages to avoid an auto-reject. Every author should do this!

I see a number of language usage problems in your revised query.

- shift from past tense to present in paragraph 1–queries should be in present tense

- shift in Main Character perspective—first two paragraphs are Laura’s, third paragraph is muddled (Laura’s and Jonah’s), and last paragraph is Jonah’s. Up to that point, Laura appeared to be the MC, but now you’ve made her passive by giving Jonah the choices to make. Choose one person to be the MC in the query and give him/her the stakes.

- you shift from jail to Laura’s death by execution—this is jarring (and I think you meant to say “on the day set for her execution”).

There are also some grammatical mistakes: your second sentence is a fragment and in the third paragraph you use a semicolon where a colon should be.

Finally, I have a plot-related question. If Laura has proof on a flash drive that this utopia is a fraud, why wouldn’t she and the people in the underground group sneak into a news station and broadcast it? Why wait until she is arrested? I feel like you need a little more world building in the query for me to understand Laura’s options.

Hope this helps.

#9 IndusiumGriseum

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Posted 29 March 2018 - 07:51 AM

2nd draft. I'm aware it's possibly a bit chunky in places but I've tried to make it more interesting.

---------------------

Dear (Agent’s Name)

Laura Bishop had a good life. A family she loved and a promising future. (This isn't a particularly gripping hook--I would start with the next sentence where you talk about LifeSource, and then how they took all of that away from her.) LifeSource Industries took all that away from her when they created the truth drug Vocacium. It was meant to be a gateway to Utopia and a world without lies. Unfortunately for Laura, the drug has no effect on her and that makes her dangerous.

Now, people like Laura are outlawed and hunted. Her only way of protection lies beneath the streets of London where a group of mercenaries called the Circuit live. (I'd choose a different word than "live". It's not as exciting) Laura knows she can’t stay in hiding forever and her days are numbered. (Until she's found or until she dies? This is a little unclear.)

Luckily, Detective Jonah Nolan is about to make the arrest of his career. Bringing in Laura with give the promotion and closure he’s always needed. (Again, what's the closure? If you don't have the room to explain that bit, I'd leave it out) What he doesn’t know is that Laura thinks she’s found her salvation in a stolen flash-drive. It contains information that could expose LifeSource for what it truly is; a cover for illegal human cybernetics fronted by Laura’s own brother. (I'm confused...how does a truth serum relate to illegal human cybernetics?)

On the day of her execution, (Why is she being executed? Because she was found? This is still a bit jarring) Laura gives Jonah a choice. If he helps her escape they can work together to uncover the crime of the century and find answers to a personal cold case from years before. Or he can let her die an innocent, knowing the so-called Utopia he lives in is a lie.

CIRCUIT is a 70,000 word-work of speculative fiction that will appeal to fans of William Gibson’s Virtual Light.

Thank you for your time.

 

This is a good improvement, but I'm still confused about the plot and the world. How does a truth drug relate to illegal human cybernetics? You also jump right into her being executed without giving us a hint that she was captured. If it was Jonah who captured her, you imply that he's already on her side in the third paragraph with the whole flash drive thing, so the execution part was confusing. I think you've got the character struggles down--now, you have to focus on the world building.

 

You can do it! :)


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#10 NerdWitch

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Posted 29 March 2018 - 08:52 AM

JmB - it does thank you :) and my apologies for misunderstanding

IndusiumGriseum thanj you for your critique

Please help me with my query http://agentquerycon...dystopiasci-fi/
And my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...it/#entry330157


 


#11 NerdWitch

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Posted 11 June 2018 - 02:55 PM

It's been ages and life has been busy but here is an updated version which might hopefully make more sense. I will return critiques :) 

--------------------------

 

Dear Agent, 

Laura Bishop has blood on her hands. She's been on the run for years and now she's running out of time. It all started when LifeSource Industries took everything away from her when they created the truth drug Vocacium. Because the drug has no effect on her, it make her dangerous. Now people like Laura are outlawed and hunted. Her only sanctuary lies beneath the streets of London with a group of mercenaries called the Circuit. 

Because of her reckless actions during a robbery-gone-wrong, Detective Jonah Nolan is about to make the arrest of his career. Bringing in Laura will give him the promotion and closure he’s always wanted. Years ago, Laura’s father was arrested for the murder of Jonah’s childhood sweetheart.

What he doesn’t know is that Laura thinks she’s found her salvation in a stolen flash-drive containing information that ties Vocacium to the murder of his friend.

Laura gives Jonah a choice. If he helps her escape they can work together to uncover the crime of the century and find answers to a personal cold case from years before. Or he can let her die an innocent, knowing the so-called Utopia he lives in is a lie.

CIRCUIT is a 70,000 word-work of speculative fiction and the first in a planned series that will appeal to fans of William Gibson’s Virtual Light


Please help me with my query http://agentquerycon...dystopiasci-fi/
And my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...it/#entry330157


 


#12 CeeJam

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Posted 11 June 2018 - 03:52 PM

Hi NW,

 

I hope you will forgive the liberty I am about to take with your query, as one British writer to another I understand this is personal work!

 

In essence my feedback is this: Your query is too telling and does not engage with me enough.  You start with a cliché, and follow up with a second (running out of time) which are too unoriginal IMO.  You still have a couple of grammatical errors ("it make her dangerous") and linguistically the sentences to not flow cleanly.  Cadence is important in poetry but can be equally effective elsewhere especially where space is limited.  An example would be to condense the last part of the first paragraph to something along the lines of: "Outlawed and hunted, Laura's only sanctuary lies with the Circuit, a [adjective] [coll noun] of mercenaries dwelling in the London underworld."  Obviously using your own voice is important.

I was also confused by the introduction of the antagonist character.  You start the second paragraph with "her reckless actions" which gives the impression that the following sentence is about a reckless female detective called Jonah.  Dwelling instead on Laura's value to the detective will allow you to save word-count here and expand in other areas of the query.  The last sentence of this middle paragraph is back-story which does nothing for the query itself.  

 

The choice/dynamic in the final paragraph is intriguing, but I am not engaged enough to need to follow through.  It also starts with Laura and ends with Jonah - I think you should concentrate on making both the hook and the payoff about the same character, and that should be Laura IMO.

Despite this criticism, I do like the premise and would love to see this query expanded to give more energy to the character/s and the plot.  Bring out the jeopardy.  Less telling/more showing will really let this shine.

Hope that helps, and that it doesn't cut too deep.  If you would like me to look at any revisions please let me know.

C

 



#13 NerdWitch

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Posted 12 June 2018 - 03:32 AM

Hi NW,

 

I hope you will forgive the liberty I am about to take with your query, as one British writer to another I understand this is personal work!

 

In essence my feedback is this: Your query is too telling and does not engage with me enough.  You start with a cliché, and follow up with a second (running out of time) which are too unoriginal IMO.  You still have a couple of grammatical errors ("it make her dangerous") and linguistically the sentences to not flow cleanly.  Cadence is important in poetry but can be equally effective elsewhere especially where space is limited.  An example would be to condense the last part of the first paragraph to something along the lines of: "Outlawed and hunted, Laura's only sanctuary lies with the Circuit, a [adjective] [coll noun] of mercenaries dwelling in the London underworld."  Obviously using your own voice is important.

I was also confused by the introduction of the antagonist character.  You start the second paragraph with "her reckless actions" which gives the impression that the following sentence is about a reckless female detective called Jonah.  Dwelling instead on Laura's value to the detective will allow you to save word-count here and expand in other areas of the query.  The last sentence of this middle paragraph is back-story which does nothing for the query itself.  

 

The choice/dynamic in the final paragraph is intriguing, but I am not engaged enough to need to follow through.  It also starts with Laura and ends with Jonah - I think you should concentrate on making both the hook and the payoff about the same character, and that should be Laura IMO.

Despite this criticism, I do like the premise and would love to see this query expanded to give more energy to the character/s and the plot.  Bring out the jeopardy.  Less telling/more showing will really let this shine.

Hope that helps, and that it doesn't cut too deep.  If you would like me to look at any revisions please let me know.

C

 

Hi C!

 

Thank you so much for you critique, I really appreciate it and honestly it's not too harsh at all. I want to be able to write the best possible query and any help is much appreciated.
I will definitely keep your words in mind when working on a revision!


Please help me with my query http://agentquerycon...dystopiasci-fi/
And my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...it/#entry330157


 


#14 NerdWitch

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Posted 12 June 2018 - 06:29 AM

I realise this revision is far too long but I was trying to get most of the plot in so that maybe I can file it down later.

 

----------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear (Agent’s Name),

LifeSource Industries and their revolutionary drug Vocacium labelled Laura Bishop a terrorist. Not because it revealed the truth but because she’s immune to it and that makes her dangerous.

 

Outlawed and hunted, Bishop’s only sanctuary lies with the Circuit; a faction of mercenaries dwelling in the London Underworld. For years, they’ve been trying to bring down the corporate regime who rule the city with an iron fist.

 

Because of her reckless actions during a heist-gone-wrong, two civilians are caught in the crossfire and suddenly the Circuit face exposure. Now, Detective Jonah Nolan is about to make the arrest of his career. Bringing in Laura will give him the promotion and closure he’s always sought. Years ago, Laura’s father was arrested for the murder of his childhood sweetheart.

 

What Jonah doesn’t know is that Laura has found a flash-drive. It contains information that ties the murder to a series of unsolved disappearances, the creation of Vocacium and an enigmatic science division called Scorpion.

 

As she’s facing incarceration, Laura gives Jonah a choice. If he helps her escape they can work together to find out what happened all those years ago and what part Scorpion plays in all of it. Or he can let her die an innocent, knowing the so-called Utopia he’s sworn to protect is a lie.  

 

CIRCUIT is a 70,000 word-work of speculative fiction with series potential that will appeal to fans of William Gibson’s Virtual Light.

Thank you for your time.

 

 

 


Please help me with my query http://agentquerycon...dystopiasci-fi/
And my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...it/#entry330157


 


#15 NerdWitch

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Posted 14 June 2018 - 03:20 PM

Here is another edit with an elevator pitch at the top. 

 

----------------------------

 

Dear (Agent’s Name),

 

A terrorist wanted for murder and a cop hellbent on revenge must work together to stop rogue scientists from creating bionic humans.

 

It all started with the drug that labelled Laura Bishop a criminal: Vocacium.

Not because it revealed the truth but because she’s immune to it and that makes her dangerous. Outlawed and hunted, Bishop’s only sanctuary lies with the Circuit; a faction of mercenaries dwelling in the London Underworld. For years, they’ve been trying to bring down the corporate regime who rule the city with an iron fist.

 

Because of her reckless actions during a heist-gone-wrong, two civilians are caught in the crossfire. Now, Detective Jonah Nolan is about to make the arrest of his career. Bringing in Bishop will give him the promotion and closure he’s always sought. Years ago, Bishop’s father was arrested for the murder of his childhood sweetheart. What Jonah doesn’t know is that Laura has found a flash drive. It contains information that ties everything to an enigmatic science division called Scorpion.

 

While facing incarceration, Bishop gives Jonah a choice. If he helps her escape they can work together to find out what happened all those years ago. Or he can let her die an innocent, knowing the so-called Utopia he’s sworn to protect is a lie.  

 

CIRCUIT is a 70,000 word-work of speculative fiction with series potential that will appeal to fans of William Gibson’s Virtual Light and Claire North’s 84K.

Thank you for your time.


Please help me with my query http://agentquerycon...dystopiasci-fi/
And my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...it/#entry330157


 


#16 Bkrasnik

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Posted 17 June 2018 - 03:40 PM

Here is another edit with an elevator pitch at the top. 

 

----------------------------

 

Dear (Agent’s Name),

 

A terrorist wanted for murder (the term terrorist implies that he kills people, so you don't need to say he is wanted for murder) and a cop hellbent on revenge (revenge for what?) must work together to stop rogue scientists from creating bionic humans. (This sounds pretty interesting, but I would like to know the motivations of the terrorist and why he wants to stop these scientists. This doesn't have to be answered here, but should be addressed in the query.)

 

It all started with the drug that labelled Laura Bishop a criminal: Vocacium.

Not because it revealed the truth but because (I am confused--revealed the truth? about what?) she’s immune to it and that makes her dangerous (So she is a criminal because she is immune to this drug? Not sure if this makes sense). Outlawed and hunted, Bishop’s only sanctuary lies with the Circuit; a faction of mercenaries dwelling in the London Underworld. For years, they’ve been trying to bring down the corporate regime who rule the city with an iron fist.

 

Because of her reckless actions during a heist-gone-wrong, two civilians are caught in the crossfire. Now, Detective Jonah Nolan is about to make the arrest of his career. Bringing in Bishop will give him the promotion and closure he’s always sought. Years ago, Bishop’s father was arrested for the murder of his childhood sweetheart. What Jonah doesn’t know is that Laura has found a flash drive. It contains information that ties everything to an enigmatic science division called Scorpion. (This is interesting, but you are adding too much information that is making this query more confusing. You need to stay more focused. You will get into all the juicy details in your book.)

 

While facing incarceration, Bishop gives Jonah a choice. If he helps her escape they can work together to find out what happened all those years ago. Or he can let her die an innocent, knowing the so-called Utopia he’s sworn to protect is a lie. (Confusing.)

 

CIRCUIT is a 70,000 word-work of speculative fiction with series potential that will appeal to fans of William Gibson’s Virtual Light and Claire North’s 84K.

Thank you for your time.

 

Your book sounds very interesting, but this query is confusing in some areas because you give too much info without much context. Delete some details, but the details you keep, make sure to flesh them out, so it is easy to understand. I know it is very difficult to simplify a complex story, but you need to do this for the query. 


Have a moment to offer up some very much appreciated feedback? :)

My Young Adult Dystopian Query: http://agentquerycon...ate-on-post-15/


#17 Tanja

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Posted 18 June 2018 - 02:55 AM

Here is another edit with an elevator pitch at the top. 

 

----------------------------

 

Dear (Agent’s Name),

 

A terrorist wanted for murder and a cop hellbent on revenge must work together to stop rogue scientists from creating bionic humans.

 

It all started with the drug that labelled Laura Bishop a criminal: Vocacium.

Not because it revealed the truth but because she’s immune to it and that makes her dangerous. Outlawed and hunted, Bishop’s only sanctuary lies with the Circuit; a faction of mercenaries dwelling in the London Underworld. For years, they’ve been trying to bring down the corporate regime who rule the city with an iron fist.

 

Because of her reckless actions during a heist-gone-wrong, two civilians are caught in the crossfire. Now, Detective Jonah Nolan is about to make the arrest of his career. Bringing in Bishop will give him the promotion and closure he’s always sought. Years ago, Bishop’s father was arrested for the murder of his childhood sweetheart. What Jonah doesn’t know is that Laura has found a flash drive. It contains information that ties everything to an enigmatic science division called Scorpion.

 

While facing incarceration, Bishop gives Jonah a choice. If he helps her escape they can work together to find out what happened all those years ago. Or he can let her die an innocent, knowing the so-called Utopia he’s sworn to protect is a lie.  

 

CIRCUIT is a 70,000 word-work of speculative fiction with series potential that will appeal to fans of William Gibson’s Virtual Light and Claire North’s 84K.

Thank you for your time.

 

Hi,

Sorry, I just copied and pasted your work into word and worked on there to add comments because I new I was getting interrupted and it was easier this way.

 

I just had a very brief look at your previous versions and this caught my eye. Laura Bishop has blood on her hands. She's been on the run for years and now she's running out of time. I think this is a really good hook. Not that your new hook isn’t good, but I think the new one is a good one for a Twitter competition. But to grab attention, the one you got above is way more grabbing. To me at least.

 

A terrorist wanted for murder and a cop hellbent on revenge must work together to stop rogue scientists from creating bionic humans.

 

It all started with the drug that labelled Laura Bishop a criminal: Vocacium.

Not because it revealed the truth To eliminate confusion, you could say it’s a truth-serum or something along that line but because she’s immune to it and that makes her dangerous. Outlawed and hunted, Bishop’s I noticed that further down the query, you’re calling her Laura. Decide for one in the query, either Laura or Bishop only sanctuary lies with the Circuit; a faction of mercenaries dwelling in the London Underworld. For years, they’ve been trying to bring down the corporate regime who rules the city with an iron fist.

 

Because of her reckless actions during a heist-gone-wrong, two civilians are caught in the crossfire Since the civilians don’t turn up in the query again, eliminate that and go into more depths about the reckless actions, which is too vague. Point out at least one action why Jonah is after her. Now, Detective Jonah Nolan is about to make the arrest of his career. Bringing in Bishop will give him the promotion and closure he’s always sought. Years ago, Bishop’s father was arrested for the murder of his childhood sweetheart. What Jonah doesn’t know is that Laura has found a flash drive. It contains information that ties everything to an enigmatic science division called Scorpion. That’s where things get a little confusing. Is the flash drive so important? Could the query go without it? I don’t think it’s a detail you need. The fact that she knows something is enough.

 

While facing incarceration, Bishop as I mentioned above, stick to either Laura or Bishop gives Jonah a choice. If he helps her escape comma they can work together to find out what happened all those years ago. Or he can let her die an innocent, knowing the so-called Utopia he’s sworn to protect is a lie. I know what you’re trying to say but it does come across a little awkward. Maybe try: Or he can let her die an innocent and with it bury her knowledge of the so-called Utopia he’s sworn to protect. However, in the previous para you already have Scorpion, which is kind of explained. Then you have Utopia, which is not really explained. Try finding a way to eliminate one of the two. I would eliminate Utopia.

 

CIRCUIT is a 70,000 word-work of speculative fiction with series potential that will appeal to fans of William Gibson’s Virtual Light and Claire North’s 84K.

 

You got a very interesting story here. Reminds me a bit of my new one. Try to concentrate on the basics and flesh them out. I don’t think  you need the flash-drive. Try not to bring in too many worlds. Circuit, Scorpion, Utopia. It gets too confusing. Bring in more detail what her reckless actions are. Other than that, you’re on the right track.

 

Good luck


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#18 NerdWitch

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Posted 18 June 2018 - 04:24 AM

Thank you so much guys.
Here is the 6th attempt based on your suggestions

 

 

Dear (Agent’s Name),

Laura Bishop has blood on her hands. She’s been on the run for years and now she’s running out of time.

 

It all started with the truth-serum that labelled her a criminal: Vocacium.

Not because it revealed the truth but because she’s immune to it and that makes her dangerous. Outlawed and hunted, Bishop’s only sanctuary lies with the Circuit; a faction of mercenaries dwelling in the London Underworld. For years, they’ve been trying to bring down the corporate regime who rules the city with an iron fist.

 

Because of her reckless actions during a heist-gone-wrong, she’s caught the attention of Detective Jonah Nolan who has been hunting her for months. Bringing in Bishop will give him the promotion and closure he’s always wanted. Years ago, Bishop’s father was arrested for the murder of his childhood sweetheart.

 

What Jonah doesn’t know is that Bishop has priceless information that ties together the creation of Vocacium and the murder of Jonah’s love. While facing incarceration, Bishop gives Jonah a choice. If he helps her escape, they can work together to find out what happened all those years ago. Or he can let her die an innocent and with it bury her knowledge of the so-called Utopia he’s sworn to protect.

CIRCUIT is a 70,000 word speculative fiction with series potential that will appeal to fans of William Gibson’s Virtual Light and Claire North’s 84K.


Please help me with my query http://agentquerycon...dystopiasci-fi/
And my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...it/#entry330157


 


#19 Tanja

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Posted 18 June 2018 - 09:39 AM

Thank you so much guys.
Here is the 6th attempt based on your suggestions

 

 

Dear (Agent’s Name),

Laura Bishop has blood on her hands. She’s been on the run for years and now she’s running out of time. Don't know if others agree, but I like this much better

 

It all started with the truth-serum that labelled her a criminal: Vocacium.

Not because it revealed the truth but because she’s immune to it and that makes her dangerous. Hmm there has to  be a better way to bring that across because now it kind of contradicts. Maybe a simple line would do. It's been designed to work on everyone, but Laura is immune to it and that makes her dangerous. / Just an idea. I'm sure there is a better way Outlawed and hunted, Bishop’s only sanctuary lies with the Circuit; a faction of mercenaries dwelling in the London Underworld. For years, they’ve been trying to bring down the corporate regime who rules the city with an iron fist.

 

Because of her reckless actions this is still a little vague. Did she kill people? What did she do? You don't have to go into every detail but one detail would be good during a heist-gone-wrong, she’s caught the attention of Detective Jonah Nolan who has been hunting her for months. Bringing in Bishop will give him the promotion and closure he’s always wanted. you could put a colon here Years ago, Bishop’s father was arrested was he just arrested or was he charged as well for the murder of his childhood sweetheart.

 

What Jonah doesn’t know is that Bishop has priceless information that ties together the creation of Vocacium and the murder of Jonah’s love. While facing incarceration, Bishop gives Jonah a choice. If he helps her escape, they can work together to find out what happened all those years ago. Or he can let her die an innocent and with it bury her knowledge of the so-called Utopia he’s sworn to protect.

CIRCUIT is a 70,000 word speculative fiction with series potential that will appeal to fans of William Gibson’s Virtual Light and Claire North’s 84K.

 

Overall much better. I only miss the oomph at the moment. As an example. Laura is desperate to convince Jonah that she is the only one holding the clue to bring to light the truth about the murder of Jonah's love etc etc. So at the moment you got the shell around the query, now you need to add the core. The feeling, the desperation. What moves the characters. Make sense?

 

Hope it helps


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#20 AstrMikeDexter

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Posted 18 June 2018 - 06:28 PM

Thank you so much guys.
Here is the 6th attempt based on your suggestions

 

 

Dear (Agent’s Name),

Laura Bishop has blood on her hands. She’s been on the run for years and now she’s running out of time. I like this!

 

It all started with the truth-serum that labelled her a criminal: Vocacium.

Not because it revealed the truth but because she’s immune to it and that makes her dangerous. This is an interesting concept! Outlawed and hunted, Bishop’s only sanctuary lies with the Circuit; a faction of mercenaries dwelling in the London Underworld. For years, they’ve been trying to bring down the corporate regime who rules the city with an iron fist.

 

Because of her reckless actions during a heist-gone-wrong, This surprises me a little because before this point, I wasn't really sure if she actually committed crimes - this characterization may be better served sooner she’s caught the attention of Detective Jonah Nolan who has been hunting her for months. Bringing in Bishop will give him the promotion and closure he’s always wanted. Years ago, Bishop’s father was arrested for the murder of his childhood sweetheart. For a second, I was confused that maybe, randomly, Bishop's father killed his own childhood sweetheart, not Jonah's. I'm not sure if I'm the only one, but it wasn't immediately clear to me. I guess, also, I'm a little confused as to why bringing in Bishop, and not her father, will give him closure.

 

What Jonah doesn’t know is that Bishop has priceless information that ties together the creation of Vocacium and the murder of Jonah’s love. While facing incarceration, Bishop gives Jonah a choice. If he helps her escape, they can work together to find out what happened all those years ago. Or he can let her die an innocent and with it bury her knowledge of the so-called Utopia (Does utopia need to be capitalized here?) he’s sworn to protect.

CIRCUIT is a 70,000 word speculative fiction with series potential that will appeal to fans of William Gibson’s Virtual Light and Claire North’s 84K.

 Overall I think this sounds like a really good story and the query is pretty strong!


Any help with my query would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!





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