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Clover - YA Science Fiction

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#1 Arcanjoe

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Posted 01 April 2018 - 01:56 PM

New draft in post #20

First draft for CLOVER, a YA Science Fiction story. I'd be grateful for any feedback you have for me. Thanks!

 

Dear *Agent*,

A Wheezer’s life expectancy is just twenty-years-old. Fifteen-year-old Arma Agriont never even expected to make it to sixteen. But her older brother sacrificed his life to ensure she did.

Arma and her brother are Wheezers, tasked with venturing out of their roaming base to brave the barren, sun-scorched Wilds in search of seeds to grow in Idyll – the suspended capsule at the heart of their base. The flora within produces oxygen for the entire base and any excess is siphoned off to be used as currency by the higher class known as Elites. They are kissed by the vicious sun not scorched by it. Skin smooth and flawless, not scarred by sand-filled winds. Hair long and black and silky, not short and sun-bleached white-gold. Lungs still intact, not in tatters like Arma's.

Out in the Wilds, Arma collapses and only survives because her brother snatches an oxygen mask off the face of Munir, once a Wheezer, now an Elite after an unjust promotion. Munir’s testimony gets Arma’s brother executed for treason. Left inside Idyll all night, the carbon dioxide kills him slowly, and Arma is forced to watch by Orchid, the base’s leader. Barely able to work, Arma suspects the other Wheezers will vote to have her killed too. Her best friend, Zaro, insists he’d never vote her out. It is a lie.

Before they come for her, a mysterious stranger claiming to be her brother’s friend smuggles her out into the Wilds. She gives Arma one message: make the most of this second chance. The Wilds claim Arma’s leg, but she eventually finds another roving base and reinvents herself as Clover, an Elite. Though it is excruciating, she sells her family heirloom, a four-leaf clover preserved in amber, for a fortune and swears vengeance on those who wronged her and murdered her brother: Orchid, Munir and Zaro.

But while in search of revenge, Arma discovers a secret about the Elites that could scupper her plot. She must decide what is more important: vengeance or revealing a secret that could ultimately free the Wheezers – her people – from their lives of misery and pain and endless servitude.

CLOVER is a standalone YA Science Fiction novel with series potential, complete at 90,000 words. It is a gender-bent retelling of the COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO set in a Sci-Fi world where oxygen is currency.


I'd love for you to critique my latest query...

Clover:

http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/

 

Or the first 250 words of my story...

Clover:

http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/

 


#2 Springfield

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Posted 01 April 2018 - 04:27 PM

 

First draft for CLOVER, a YA Science Fiction story. I'd be grateful for any feedback you have for me. Thanks!

 

Dear *Agent*,

A Wheezer’s life expectancy is just twenty-years-old. Fifteen-year-old Arma Agriont never even expected to make it to sixteen. But her older brother sacrificed his life to ensure she did. This is vague, and confusing with the back and forth; the first sentence is also incorrectly constructed and punctuated.

Arma and her brother are Wheezers, tasked with venturing out of their roaming base to brave the barren, sun-scorched Wilds in search of seeds to grow in Idyll – the suspended capsule at the heart of their base. The flora within produces oxygen for the entire base and any excess is siphoned off to be used as currency by the higher class known as Elites. They are kissed by the vicious sun not scorched by it. Skin smooth and flawless, not scarred by sand-filled winds. Hair long and black and silky, not short and sun-bleached white-gold. Lungs still intact, not in tatters like Arma's. This seem superfluous, and contains a whole lot of fragments, which is kind of offputting.

Out in the Wilds, Arma collapses and only survives because her brother snatches an oxygen mask off the face of Munir, once a Wheezer, now an Elite after an unjust promotion. Munir’s testimony gets Arma’s brother executed for treason. Left inside Idyll all night, the carbon dioxide kills him slowly, and Arma is forced to watch by Orchid, the base’s leader. Barely able to work, Arma suspects the other Wheezers will vote to have her killed too. Her best friend, Zaro, insists he’d never vote her out. It is a lie. I don't understand what's happening on a basic level -- this reads like a synopsis and Anna does absolutely nothing so far. If she's the MC, what is her problem and what does she DO?

Before they come for her, a mysterious stranger claiming to be her brother’s friend smuggles her out into the Wilds. She gives Arma one message: make the most of this second chance. The Wilds claim Arma’s leg, but she eventually finds another roving base and reinvents herself as Clover, an Elite. Though it is excruciating, she sells her family heirloom, a four-leaf clover preserved in amber, for a fortune and swears vengeance on those who wronged her and murdered her brother: Orchid, Munir and Zaro.

But while in search of revenge, Arma discovers a secret about the Elites that could scupper her plot. She must decide what is more important: vengeance or revealing a secret that could ultimately free the Wheezers – her people – from their lives of misery and pain and endless servitude.

CLOVER is a standalone YA Science Fiction novel with series potential, complete at 90,000 words. It is a gender-bent retelling of the COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO set in a Sci-Fi world where oxygen is currency.

The whole thing is too long, with WAY too many people, and the rest of the query similarly feels like a synopsis in which Anna does nothing. The only action she takes in the entire query is to sell something. 

 

Character, problem, stakes.



#3 lnloft

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Posted 01 April 2018 - 07:11 PM

 

First draft for CLOVER, a YA Science Fiction story. I'd be grateful for any feedback you have for me. Thanks!

 

Dear *Agent*,

A Wheezer’s life expectancy is just twenty-years-old. Fifteen-year-old Arma Agriont never even expected to make it to sixteen. But her older brother sacrificed his life to ensure she did. I read your 250, so I have a tiny bit of context, but if I hadn't, I would have no clue what you mean by a Wheezer.

Arma and her brother are Wheezers, tasked with venturing out of their roaming base to brave the barren, sun-scorched Wilds in search of seeds to grow in Idyllthe suspended capsule at the heart of their base. So, wait, is Idyll their base or the capsule? Why do you even need to clarify? They need plants for oxygen, end of story. The flora within produces oxygen for the entire base and any excess is siphoned off to be used as currency by the higher class known as Elites. They are kissed by the vicious sun not scorched by it. Skin smooth and flawless, not scarred by sand-filled winds. Hair long and black and silky, not short and sun-bleached white-gold. Lungs still intact, not in tatters like Arma's. When I first started reading these lines, I wasn't sure who you were talking about. I thought it might be Arma and her brother, which confused me greatly. Also, while they're nice details, they're a little much for the query, where you need to be as succinct as possible.

Out in the Wilds, Arma collapses and only survives because her brother snatches an oxygen mask off the face of Munir, once a Wheezer, now an Elite after an unjust promotion Wait, so if he's an Elite, then what is he even doing out here? I thought the Elite don't ever have to leave.. Munir’s testimony gets Arma’s brother executed for treason. Left inside Idyll all night, the carbon dioxide kills him slowly, and Arma is forced to watch by Orchid, the base’s leader. Do we really need to know all these details for the query? Barely able to work, Arma suspects the other Wheezers will vote to have her killed too. Wait, Wheezers vote each other out somehow? What? Why? Her best friend, Zaro, insists he’d never vote her out. It is a lie.

Before they come for her, a mysterious stranger claiming to be her brother’s friend smuggles her out into the Wilds. But, don't you die in the Wilds if you're there too long? She gives Arma one message: make the most of this second chance. The Wilds claim Arma’s leg How? How is Arma even still alive when she was already on the brink of death?, but she eventually finds another roving base and reinvents herself as Clover, an Elite How does she manage that?. Though it is excruciating, she sells her family heirloom, a four-leaf clover preserved in amber, for a fortune Why is it worth so much? and swears vengeance on those who wronged her and murdered her brother: Orchid, Munir and Zaro.

But while in search of revenge, Arma discovers a secret about the Elites that could scupper her plot Vague. She must decide what is more important: vengeance or revealing a secret that could ultimately free the Wheezers – her people – from their lives of misery and pain and endless servitude. Well, it seems to me that freeing the Wheezers and upending the social order would be a nice sort of vengeance, at least against Orchid and Munir, since they are Elites who would lose their privileges. Why are her vengeance and freeing the Wheezers mutually exclusive?

CLOVER is a standalone YA Science Fiction novel with series potential, complete at 90,000 words. It is a gender-bent retelling of the COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO set in a Sci-Fi world where oxygen is currency. I'm not really familiar with Count of Monte Cristo, but this bit does still intrigue me.

 

This is focused on the wrong things. For one, you have way too many proper nouns in here. I've bolded them, and there's nine. That's too much for us to keep track of. Simplify. Arma lives in a world where being outside too long ruins your health, there's an unfair hierarchy in the society, her brother is killed, she leaves and swears revenge. Fill in the details that are needed, but I suggest that for the moment you try to write as bare bones a query as possible and see how that works. We'll tell you where things are missing, but I think it'll help you to err right now on the side of less. Good luck.



#4 Arcanjoe

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Posted 02 April 2018 - 11:26 AM

Thanks to both of you. I have focused in on Arma, cut a lot of the unnecessary worldbuilding and reworded the choice at the end. I've also cut a couple excess names. Problem is, I need to name the three guys she has sworn revenge against as well as her own name and her alter ego. I suppose I could cut the mention of Wilds and just refer to the outside world as the wilderness, but I'll keep it in for now. I've purposely not included Arma's brother's name because it is similar to hers. Inloft, I've tried to answer some of the questions you had within the query. For instance, the four-leaf clover is worth a king's ransom because most plants are extinct in this world. So a four-leaf clover, uncommon even nowadays, is priceless. I've also tried to address the concern about her surviving in the Wilds when she is smuggled out. Thanks again for helping make this better (I hope). How is this draft?

 

Dear *Agent*,

Arma Agriont lost everything when they murdered her brother. Now she’ll make them all pay. One by one.

Fifteen-year-old Arma is a Wheezer, one of the unique few who can survive the barren, sun-scorched Wilds. So is her brother. Though their job takes a toll – scarring skin, bleaching hair and destroying lungs – it is vital for their roaming base’s survival. They must venture outside in search of seeds to grow to produce oxygen for the entire base. The Elites, the ruling class known only by the names of long-extinct flora, siphon off any excess oxygen to be used as currency to fuel their extravagant lifestyles, and it sickens Arma.

Scouring new Wilds, Arma’s ruined lungs cause her to collapse and only survives because her brother snatches an oxygen mask off the face of Munir, an overseer with a grudge against him. Munir’s testimony gets Arma’s brother executed for treason, and Arma is forced to watch by Orchid, the base’s leader. Arma suspects she is now a target for Munir and Orchid, so enlists the help of her best friend, Zaro. He promises to help her escape to another base but ultimately betrays her to the Elites.

Before they come for her, a mysterious stranger claiming to be her brother’s friend smuggles her out into the Wilds. She gives Arma an Elite’s uniform, oxygen mask and a message: make the most of this second chance. The Wilds claim Arma’s leg, but she eventually finds another roving base. Though it is excruciating, she sells her family heirloom – a four-leaf clover preserved in amber that her brother’s hidden all his life – for a fortune, and reinvents herself as Clover, an Elite. She grows in power and influence, using her unique insight to create a business that sates the Wheezer’s deepest desires: payment, rest, respect. With one base conquered, she returns to Orchid base, vengeance in her heart.

Only, by killing Arma and creating Clover, she has become revenge manifest and nothing, not even the wellbeing of her own people, may be able to stop her from crushing those who murdered her brother.

CLOVER is a standalone YA Science Fiction novel with series potential, complete at 90,000 words. It is a gender-bent retelling of the COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO set in a Sci-Fi world where oxygen is currency.


I'd love for you to critique my latest query...

Clover:

http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/

 

Or the first 250 words of my story...

Clover:

http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/

 


#5 Springfield

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Posted 02 April 2018 - 11:40 AM

 

Thanks to both of you. I have focused in on Arma, cut a lot of the unnecessary worldbuilding and reworded the choice at the end. I've also cut a couple excess names. Problem is, I need to name the three guys she has sworn revenge against Why? as well as her own name and her alter ego. She has an alter ego? I suppose I could cut the mention of Wilds and just refer to the outside world as the wilderness, but I'll keep it in for now. I've purposely not included Arma's brother's name because it is similar to hers. Inloft, I've tried to answer some of the questions you had within the query. That's probably a mistake. For instance, the four-leaf clover is worth a king's ransom because most plants are extinct in this world. So a four-leaf clover, uncommon even nowadays, is priceless. I've also tried to address the concern about her surviving in the Wilds when she is smuggled out. Thanks again for helping make this better (I hope). How is this draft?

 

Dear *Agent*,

Arma Agriont lost everything when they murdered her brother. Now she’ll make them all pay. One by one.

Fifteen-year-old Arma is Wheezer, one of the unique few who can survive the barren, sun-scorched Wilds. So is her brother. Not a sentence. Though their job takes a toll – scarring skin, bleaching hair and destroying lungs – it is vital for their roaming base’s survival. They must venture outside in search of seeds to grow to produce oxygen for the entire base. The Elites, the ruling class known only by the names of long-extinct flora, siphon off any excess oxygen to be used as currency to fuel their extravagant lifestyles, and it sickens Arma.

Scouring new Wilds, Arma’s ruined lungs cause her to collapse and only survives because her brother snatches an oxygen mask off the face of Munir, an overseer with a grudge against him. Munir’s testimony gets Arma’s brother executed for treason, and Arma is forced to watch by Orchid, the base’s leader. Arma suspects she is now a target for Munir and Orchid, so enlists the help of her best friend, Zaro. He promises to help her escape to another base but ultimately betrays her to the Elites.

No. This again reads like a synopsis and again, she doesn't seem to do anything. What is her PROBLEM? What does she DO? People do things to her, but I don't know what she does. The beginning says she seeks revenge but this devolves into someone else smuggling her, her selling stuff "growing in influence," which is meaningless, and yada. There are also still no stakes.

Before they come for her, a mysterious stranger claiming to be her brother’s friend smuggles her out into the Wilds. She gives Arma an Elite’s uniform, oxygen mask and a message: make the most of this second chance. The Wilds claim Arma’s leg, but she eventually finds another roving base. Though it is excruciating, she sells her family heirloom – a four-leaf clover preserved in amber that her brother’s hidden all his life – for a fortune, and reinvents herself as Clover, an Elite. She grows in power and influence, using her unique insight to create a business that sates the Wheezer’s deepest desires: payment, rest, respect. With one base conquered, she returns to Orchid base, vengeance in her heart.

Only, by killing Arma and creating Clover, she has become revenge manifest and nothing, not even the wellbeing of her own people, may be able to stop her from crushing those who murdered her brother.

CLOVER is a standalone YA Science Fiction novel with series potential, complete at 90,000 words. It is a gender-bent retelling of the COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO set in a Sci-Fi world where oxygen is currency.

 



#6 Arcanjoe

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Posted 02 April 2018 - 06:37 PM

Dear *Agent*,

Arma Agriont lost everything when they murdered her brother. Now she’ll make them all pay. One by one.

Fifteen-year-old Arma is a Wheezer, a servant to the ruling class Elites and one of the unique few able to scour the barren, sun-scorched Wilds for the last seeds in existence. The oxygen-producing flora grown from them keeps all in the roaming base alive. But Arma’s body is failing and all she wants is for her brother to be alright when she’s gone.

While out in search of seeds, Arma’s ruined lungs cause her to collapse. She only survives because her brother snatches an oxygen mask off Munir, an overseer with a longstanding grudge. Munir’s testimony gets Arma’s brother executed for treason, and Orchid, the base’s leader, forces her to watch his miserable decline. Targeted by both Munir and Orchid, Arma enlists the help of her best friend who promises to aid her escape to another base. But he betrays her. Broken in mind and body, she resolves to join her brother in the afterlife.

Then a mysterious stranger claiming to be her brother’s friend smuggles her out into the Wilds. She gives Arma an Elite’s uniform, oxygen mask and a message from her brother: make the most of this second chance. Driven by the new desire for revenge, Arma battles the unforgiving elements, loses a leg to the vicious scavengers who patrol the Wilds, but eventually finds another roving base. Though it is excruciating, she sells her family heirloom – a long-extinct four-leaf clover preserved in amber that her brother’s hidden all his life – for a fortune, and reinvents herself as Clover, an Elite. She grows in power and influence, using her unique insight to create a business that sates the Wheezer’s deepest desires: payment, adequate rest, respect. With one base conquered, she returns to Orchid base, vengeance in her heart.

Only, by killing the innocent Arma and creating the ruthless Clover, she has become revenge manifest and nothing, not even the wellbeing of her own people, may be able to stop her from crushing those who murdered her brother.

CLOVER is a standalone YA Science Fiction novel with series potential, complete at 90,000 words. It is a gender-bent retelling of the COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO set in a Sci-Fi world where oxygen is currency.


I'd love for you to critique my latest query...

Clover:

http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/

 

Or the first 250 words of my story...

Clover:

http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/

 


#7 rhwashere

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Posted 03 April 2018 - 02:18 PM

Thanks for looking at my query. I hope this helps.

 

 

Dear *Agent*,

Arma Agriont lost everything when they murdered her brother. Now she’ll make them all pay. One by one. (I'm not a big fan of log lines like this, without any context. I'd recommend cutting it and jumping into your story with the next paragraph)

Fifteen-year-old Arma is a Wheezer, a servant to the ruling class Elites and one of the unique few able to scour the barren, sun-scorched Wilds for the last seeds in existence. The oxygen-producing flora grown from them keeps all in the roaming base alive (Is there another way to describe "the roaming base"? It isn't immediately clear what this is.). But Arma’s body is failing (nice for tension) and all she wants is for her brother to be alright when she’s gone. (Not nice. The second half of this sentence is blah, to me. First, not everyone accepts the use of "alright", favoring "all right" instead. Second, all right is a vague and weak phrase. Third, I didn't realize until the next paragraph that "when she's gone" means dead, and not out on one of her expeditions.)

While out in search of seeds, Arma’s ruined lungs cause her to collapse. She only survives because her brother snatches an oxygen mask off Munir, an overseer with a longstanding grudge. Munir’s testimony gets Arma’s brother executed for treason, and Orchid, the base’s leader, forces her to watch his miserable decline (Decline sounds like cancer, not execution). Targeted by both Munir and Orchid (target for what?), Arma enlists the help of her best friend who promises to aid her escape to another base. But he betrays her. Broken in mind and body, she resolves to join her brother in the afterlife. (Looking ahead, I think I would cut this best friend. It over-complicates the query. Jump to the mysterious stranger.)

Then a mysterious stranger claiming to be her brother’s friend smuggles her out into the Wilds (intriguing). She gives Arma an Elite’s uniform, oxygen mask and a message from her brother: make the most of this second chance (I was hoping for a more mysterious message from her brother. "Make the most of this second chance" is cliche.). Driven by the new desire for revenge, Arma battles the unforgiving elements, losing a leg to the vicious scavengers who patrol the Wilds, but eventually finds another roving base. Though it is excruciating, she sells her family heirloom – a long-extinct four-leaf clover preserved in amber that her brother’s hidden all his life – for a fortune (I feel like this heirloom should have been mentioned earlier), and reinvents herself as Clover, an Elite. She grows in power and influence, using her unique insight (which is what?) to create a business that sates the Wheezer’s deepest desires: payment, adequate rest, respect. With one base conquered (when did this happen and how?), she returns to Orchid base, vengeance in her heart.

Only, by killing the innocent Arma and creating the ruthless Clover, she has become revenge manifest and nothing, not even the wellbeing (this should be hypenated) of her own people, may be able to stop her from crushing those who murdered her brother. (This sentence is a mess. I'm not a fan of starting with "Only", and though you follow it with a comma, the sentence seems to read "Only by killing the innocent Arma", as if she has to kill herself to accomplish X. Becoming revenge manifest is sort of an empty phrase. And the ending as it's worded makes no sense. "The well-being of her people" is not a thing that can stop someone from doing something, it's a state of, well, being. There are no specific stakes here. What does Clover stand to lose by getting vengeance? What worse thing could happen if she doesn't?)

CLOVER is a standalone YA Science Fiction novel with series potential, complete at 90,000 words. It is a gender-bent retelling of the COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO set in a Sci-Fi world where oxygen is currency. (This is quite intriguing)

 


Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...de-32318/page-4


#8 Cesar Montufar

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Posted 03 April 2018 - 02:31 PM

Too much world building, too much synopsis. And, perhaps too much to fit into one story. Monte Cristo is really a trilogy crammed into one novel, and I can't imagine you've done a retelling of a 500,000 word story in only 90k AND managed to do enough world building for sci-fi. 

 

The premise sounds awesome, but this query is lost in the trees. The opening line is fantastic, but the rest of the query gets lost explaining minutia. Try to keep the tone of making them pay. Specifics should do heavy lifting (convey character, world, and plot), and not feel incidental (like the line about her losing a leg). I think it creates too many issues to clear up if you tell us that she's on the verge of dying (at 15) but manages to become a threat sometime after her brother's death. Though the details about her lungs and the oxygen masks are interesting, I think they pull you away from the job you've got to do, which is get at her goals and show us the stakes. And the whole thing is already on the long side, at nearly 400 words.  



#9 Arcanjoe

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Posted 03 April 2018 - 06:15 PM

Thank you both. I've cut about 50 words and honed in on Arma and her journey. Cesar, you make a great point about the length of Monte Cristo. The breadth of that story is incredible, with an enormous cast, multiple story threads and decades passing over the course of the story. Mine will take place over about two years and will have far fewer threads as it is focused on Arma and her interior journey (written in first person). E.g. what the relentless pursuit of revenge does to a person, and what, if anything, can make them stray from that goal. The mystery of what happened inside Edmond Dantes during the years where he is reinventing himself most interests me, and that is the focus of this story. What is he telling himself, over and over, to keep that vengeful fire alive? Does that make sense?

 

Dear *Agent*,

Arma Agriont lost everything when they murdered her brother. Now she’ll make them all pay. One by one.

Fifteen-year-old Arma is a Wheezer, a servant to the ruling Elites and one of the unique few able to scour the barren, sun-scorched Wilds for the last remaining seeds in existence – vital for producing the oxygen keeping the residents of her moving base alive. But Arma’s body is failing and all she wants is for her brother to sell their family heirloom – a four-leaf clover preserved in amber. It is long-extinct, so incredibly valuable and would mean a better life for him when she’s gone.

But he’s dead before he can, executed for snatching an oxygen mask off their Elite overseer in order to save Arma’s life. Arma is forced to watch him die by the base’s leader, Orchid, who has marked her for death too. Then a mysterious stranger smuggles her out into the Wilds. She gives Arma an Elite’s uniform, oxygen mask and a message from her brother: make the most of this second chance.

Driven by the desire for revenge, Arma battles the unforgiving Wilds, losing a leg to the vicious scavengers who patrol the lands. But a new roving base presents an opportunity. She sells her heirloom for a fortune and reinvents herself as the enigmatic Clover, an Elite. The constant access to oxygen keeps her alive and she uses her insight as an ex-Wheezer to create a business that sates the Wheezers’ deepest desires: payment, rest and respect. If she controls the production of oxygen, she can control Orchid's base and finally destroy him.

As vengeance nears, Clover begins to question her brother’s message. She must decide whether to use her second chance to carry out the intricately planned revenge she so badly craves or use her new power to free the Wheezers – her people – from a life of endless servitude.

CLOVER is a standalone YA Science Fiction novel with series potential, complete at 90,000 words. It is a gender-bent retelling of the COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO set in a Sci-Fi world where oxygen is currency.


I'd love for you to critique my latest query...

Clover:

http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/

 

Or the first 250 words of my story...

Clover:

http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/

 


#10 kleblanc13

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Posted 03 April 2018 - 07:00 PM

Thank you both. I've cut about 50 words and honed in on Arma and her journey. Cesar, you make a great point about the length of Monte Cristo. The breadth of that story is incredible, with an enormous cast, multiple story threads and decades passing over the course of the story. Mine will take place over about two years and will have far fewer threads as it is focused on Arma and her interior journey (written in first person). E.g. what the relentless pursuit of revenge does to a person, and what, if anything, can make them stray from that goal. The mystery of what happened inside Edmond Dantes during the years where he is reinventing himself most interests me, and that is the focus of this story. What is he telling himself, over and over, to keep that vengeful fire alive? Does that make sense?

 

Dear *Agent*,

Arma Agriont lost everything when they murdered her brother. Now she’ll make them all pay. One by one. Intriguing...

Fifteen-year-old Arma is a Wheezer, a servant to the ruling Elites and one of the unique few able to scour the barren, sun-scorched Wilds for the last remaining seeds in existence – vital for producing the oxygen keeping the residents of her moving base alive. But Arma’s body is failing and all she wants is for her brother to sell their family heirloom – a four-leaf clover preserved in amber. It is long-extinct, so incredibly valuable that it would mean a better life for him when she’s gone.

But he’s dead before he can, executed for snatching an oxygen mask off their Elite overseer in order to save Arma’s life. Arma is forced to watch him die at the hands of the base’s leader, Orchid, who has marked her for death too. Then a mysterious stranger smuggles her out into the Wilds (. She gives Arma an Elite’s uniform, oxygen mask and a message from her brother: make the most of this second chance.

Driven by the desire for revenge, Arma battles the unforgiving Wilds, losing a leg to the vicious scavengers who patrol the lands. But a new roving base presents an opportunity. She sells her heirloom for a fortune and reinvents herself as the enigmatic Clover, an Elite. The constant access to oxygen keeps her alive and she uses her insight as an ex-Wheezer to create a business that sates the Wheezers’ deepest desires: payment, rest and respect (wouldn't Oxygen be one of their deepest desires?). If she controls the production of oxygen, she can control Orchid's base and finally destroy him.

As vengeance nears, Clover begins to question her brother’s message. She must decide whether to use her second chance to carry out the intricately planned revenge she so badly craves or use her new power to free the Wheezers – her people – from a life of endless servitude (It seems to me like these two goals would be intertwined, wouldn't they? She wants revenge on the same people who keep the Wheezers subjugated, doesn't she?).

CLOVER is a standalone YA Science Fiction novel with series potential, complete at 90,000 words. It is a gender-bent retelling of the COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO set in a Sci-Fi world where oxygen is currency.

 

Great query overall and very fascinating premise. Never read Count of Monte Cristo, but I'd almost certainly read this book. If you have time to give me feedback on my query, I'd really appreciate it. Here's a link: http://agentquerycon...-fantasy-novel/



#11 Arcanjoe

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Posted 04 April 2018 - 09:58 AM

Thanks, kleblanc! To answer your question, with oxygen being the currency 'payment' refers to them being given oxygen. I've changed the stakes a little bit. That particular decision comes later, when a certain secret is revealed that I can't mention in the query for fear of ruining the ending. So I've focused on an earlier issue in the manuscript and it might actually be more compelling.

 

Dear *Agent*,

 

Arma Agriont lost everything when they murdered her brother. Now she’ll make them all pay. One by one.

 

Fifteen-year-old Arma is a Wheezer, a servant to the ruling Elites and one of the unique few able to scour the barren, sun-scorched Wilds for the last remaining seeds in existence – vital for producing the oxygen keeping the residents of her moving base alive. But Arma’s body is failing and all she wants is for her brother to sell their family heirloom – a four-leaf clover preserved in amber. It is long-extinct and therefore so incredibly valuable that it would mean a better life for him when she’s gone.

 

But he’s dead before he can, executed for snatching an oxygen mask off their Elite overseer in order to save Arma’s life. Arma is forced to watch him die by the base’s leader, Orchid, who has marked her for death too. Then a mysterious stranger smuggles her out into the Wilds. She gives Arma an Elite’s uniform, oxygen mask and a message from her brother: make the most of this second chance.

 

Driven by the desire for revenge, Arma battles the unforgiving Wilds, losing a leg to the vicious scavengers who patrol the lands. But a new roving base presents an opportunity. She sells her heirloom for a fortune and reinvents herself as the enigmatic Clover, an Elite. The constant access to oxygen keeps her alive and she uses her insight as an ex-Wheezer to create a business that sates the Wheezers’ deepest desires: payment, rest and respect. If she controls the production of oxygen, she can control Orchid's base and finally destroy him.

 

But soon the healers confirm it: she is dying, and there may be no way to reverse the damage to her lungs. Clover must return to Orchid base months ahead of schedule, risking detection by her enemies or face dying without ever avenging her beloved brother.

CLOVER is a standalone YA Science Fiction novel with series potential, complete at 90,000 words. It is a gender-bent retelling of the COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO set in a Sci-Fi world where oxygen is currency.


I'd love for you to critique my latest query...

Clover:

http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/

 

Or the first 250 words of my story...

Clover:

http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/

 


#12 Cesar Montufar

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Posted 04 April 2018 - 10:42 AM

Thank you both. I've cut about 50 words and honed in on Arma and her journey. Cesar, you make a great point about the length of Monte Cristo. The breadth of that story is incredible, with an enormous cast, multiple story threads and decades passing over the course of the story. Mine will take place over about two years and will have far fewer threads as it is focused on Arma and her interior journey (written in first person). E.g. what the relentless pursuit of revenge does to a person, and what, if anything, can make them stray from that goal. The mystery of what happened inside Edmond Dantes during the years where he is reinventing himself most interests me, and that is the focus of this story. What is he telling himself, over and over, to keep that vengeful fire alive? Does that make sense?

 

I'll be forever in awe of that novel, and it definitely helps to see where you've narrowed your focus. When you indicate it has series potential though, will starting in the middle cause a problem for you? And does the focus on keeping the fires alive mean she doesn't succeed within the confines of this novel? (Don't answer me on that one--don't want spoilers out there. Just a potential concern.)

 



#13 Arcanjoe

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Posted 04 April 2018 - 05:20 PM

Cesar, I don't intend to start in the middle just focus more on it. There's the still the trauma of the initial betrayal in this story. Just how Edmond is betrayed and imprisoned, Arma loses her brother, is betrayed and forced out into the inhospitable Wilds to fend for herself. But unlike COMC, I want to show the transformation from larva to caterpillar to butterfly. When Edmond reappears, he is already the Count. But every step of Arma's transformation into the ruthless Clover is in the book. As for how to stretch it into a series . . . well maybe she doesn't have to get revenge on all three men in the first book (I think I've cut one of them out of the query now). Or maybe it becomes about more than revenge like in COMC. :smile:

 

Dear *Agent*,

 

Arma Agriont lost everything when they murdered her brother. Now she’ll make them all pay. One by one.

 

Fifteen-year-old Arma is a Wheezer, a servant to the ruling Elites and one of the unique few able to scour the barren, sun-scorched Wilds for the last remaining seeds in existence – vital for producing the oxygen keeping the residents of her moving base alive. But Arma’s body is failing and all she wants is for her brother to stop being so damn stubborn and sell their family heirloom – a four-leaf clover preserved in amber. It is long-extinct and therefore so valuable that it would mean a better life for him when she’s gone.

 

But he’s dead before he can, executed for snatching an oxygen mask off their Elite overseer in order to save Arma’s life. She is forced to watch him die by Orchid, the base's leader, who has marked her for death too. Then a mysterious stranger smuggles her out into the Wilds. She gives Arma an Elite’s uniform, oxygen mask and a message from her brother: make the most of this second chance.

 

Driven by the desire for revenge, Arma battles the unforgiving Wilds, losing a leg to the vicious scavengers who patrol the lands. But a new roving base presents an opportunity. She sells her heirloom for a fortune and reinvents herself as the enigmatic Clover, an Elite. The constant access to oxygen keeps her alive and she uses her insight as an ex-Wheezer to create a business that sates the Wheezers’ deepest desires: oxygen payment, rest and respect. If she controls the production of oxygen, she can control Orchid's base and finally destroy all those responsible for her brother's death.

 

But soon the healers confirm it: she is dying, and there may be no way to reverse the damage to her lungs. Clover must return to Orchid base months ahead of schedule, risking detection by her enemies, or face dying without ever avenging her beloved brother.

CLOVER is a standalone YA Science Fiction novel with series potential, complete at 90,000 words. It is a gender-bent retelling of the COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO set in a Sci-Fi world where oxygen is currency.


I'd love for you to critique my latest query...

Clover:

http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/

 

Or the first 250 words of my story...

Clover:

http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/

 


#14 galian84

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Posted 04 April 2018 - 10:11 PM

Cesar, I don't intend to start in the middle just focus more on it. There's the still the trauma of the initial betrayal in this story. Just how Edmond is betrayed and imprisoned, Arma loses her brother, is betrayed and forced out into the inhospitable Wilds to fend for herself. But unlike COMC, I want to show the transformation from larva to caterpillar to butterfly. When Edmond reappears, he is already the Count. But every step of Arma's transformation into the ruthless Clover is in the book. As for how to stretch it into a series . . . well maybe she doesn't have to get revenge on all three men in the first book (I think I've cut one of them out of the query now). Or maybe it becomes about more than revenge like in COMC. :smile:

 

Dear *Agent*,

 

Arma Agriont lost everything when they (who's "they"?) murdered her brother. Now she’ll make them all pay. One by one.

 

Fifteen-year-old Arma is a Wheezer, a servant to the ruling Elites and one of the unique few able to scour the barren, sun-scorched Wilds for the last remaining seeds in existence – vital for producing the oxygen keeping the residents of her moving base alive (I don't think this last part of the sentence is necessary. Oxygen *is* what keeps us alive, and needs no explanation) . But Arma’s body is failing (comma) and all she wants is for her brother to stop being so damn stubborn and sell their family heirloom – a four-leaf clover preserved in amber. It is long-extinct and therefore so valuable that it would (I don't think you need all this info. The heirloom doesn't play a part later in your query) mean a better life for him when she’s gone.

 

But he’s dead before he can (sell the heirloom? I thought he was so stubborn he doesn't want to), executed for snatching an oxygen mask off their Elite overseer in order to save Arma’s life (I'm confused now. Why is her life in danger?). She is forced to watch him die by Orchid, the base's leader, who has marked her for death too (Why? What did she do?). Then a mysterious stranger smuggles her out into the Wilds. She gives Arma an Elite’s uniform, an oxygen mask and a message from her brother: make (Capitalize) the most of this second chance.

 

Driven by the desire for revenge (Understandable, but sounds cliche. Maybe something like, "Intent on avenging her brother's death", or something along those lines?), Arma battles the unforgiving Wilds (Is she by herself? Is the stranger still with her?), losing a leg to the vicious scavengers who patrol the lands. But a new roving base presents an opportunity (I'm reading this as the roving base just appears while she's wandering around the Wilds). She sells her heirloom for a fortune and reinvents herself as the enigmatic Clover, an Elite (Feel like this information should come earlier in the query). The constant access to oxygen keeps her alive and she uses her insight as an ex-Wheezer to create a business that sates the Wheezers’ deepest desires: oxygen payment, rest and respect. (This sentence confused me. Feel like this could be cut out, or condensed) If she controls the production of oxygen, she can control Orchid's base and finally destroy all those responsible for her brother's death.

 

But soon the healers confirm it: she is dying (huh? How is she dying? I thought the access to constant oxygen is keeping her alive?), and there may be no way to reverse the damage to her lungs (damage to her lungs, from what?). Clover must return to Orchid's base months ahead of schedule, risking detection by her enemies, or face dying without ever avenging her beloved brother. (Your stakes are clear, but unfortunately the events leading up to it come off somewhat confusing/vague)

 

CLOVER is a standalone YA Science Fiction novel with series potential, complete at 90,000 words. It is a gender-bent retelling of the COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO set in a Sci-Fi world where oxygen is currency.

Hi there! Coming in fresh. My $0.02 above, take from it what you will :) Cool spin on the Count of Monte Cristo, but unfortunately, I came out of this with too many questions. I know query writing is far from easy and sometimes it takes many, many revisions to get right (I'm still getting there, myself), but keep plugging away.

 

With that being said, I really feel like you could cut out, or greatly condense the first paragraph, and start with Arma wanting to avenge her brother's death, at the hands of Orchid, and take it from there. That seems to be the meat of your story.

 

Good luck! Hope this helps somewhat!



#15 PureZhar3

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Posted 05 April 2018 - 09:50 AM

Cesar, I don't intend to start in the middle just focus more on it. There's the still the trauma of the initial betrayal in this story. Just how Edmond is betrayed and imprisoned, Arma loses her brother, is betrayed and forced out into the inhospitable Wilds to fend for herself. But unlike COMC, I want to show the transformation from larva to caterpillar to butterfly. When Edmond reappears, he is already the Count. But every step of Arma's transformation into the ruthless Clover is in the book. As for how to stretch it into a series . . . well maybe she doesn't have to get revenge on all three men in the first book (I think I've cut one of them out of the query now). Or maybe it becomes about more than revenge like in COMC. :smile:

 

Dear *Agent*,

 

Arma Agriont lost everything when they ​who is they? It feels as if you're going for cryptic, but it doesn't intrigue me, it only loses my interest murdered her brother. Now she’ll make them all pay. One by one.

 

Fifteen-year-old Arma is a Wheezer, a servant to the ruling Elites and one of the unique few able to scour the barren, sun-scorched Wilds for the last remaining seeds in existence ​this is a tad wordy– vital for producing the oxygen keeping the residents of her moving base alive ​I would make this it's own sentence, and go into a bit more depth on what a "moving base" is. But Arma’s body is failing and all she wants is for her brother to stop being so damn stubborn and sell their family heirloom – a four-leaf clover preserved in amber. It is long-extinct and therefore so valuable that it would mean a better life for him when she’s gone.

 

But he’s dead before he can, executed for snatching an oxygen mask off their Elite overseer in order to save Arma’s life. She is forced to watch him die by Orchid, the base's leader, who has marked her for death too. Then a mysterious stranger smuggles her out into the Wilds ​Hmmm?. She gives Arma an Elite’s uniform, oxygen mask and a message from her brother: make the most of this second chance.

 

Driven by the desire for revenge, Arma battles the unforgiving Wilds, losing a leg to the vicious scavengers who patrol the lands. But a new roving base presents an opportunity. She sells her heirloom for a fortune and reinvents herself as the enigmatic Clover, an Elite. The constant access to oxygen keeps her alive and she uses her insight as an ex-Wheezer to create a business that sates the Wheezers’ deepest desires: oxygen payment, rest​, and respect. If she controls the production of oxygen, she can control Orchid's base and finally destroy all those responsible for her brother's death.

 

But soon the healers confirm it: she is dying, and there may be no way to reverse the damage to her lungs. Clover must return to Orchid base months ahead of schedule, risking detection by her enemies, or face dying without ever avenging her beloved brother.

CLOVER is a standalone YA Science Fiction novel with series potential, complete at 90,000 words. It is a gender-bent retelling of the COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO set in a Sci-Fi world where oxygen is currency.

​Is there any way to cut all this down? It kind of meanders, not without stakes but without stakes I care about. I think you could cut down on most of the first paragraph without losing much - start with her brother dying, weave in that she's a Wheezer, then go on with how she escapes and sells a precious family heirloom to reinvent herself. It was just a bit too long to sustain my interest.


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#16 Arcanjoe

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Posted 05 April 2018 - 01:06 PM

Thanks to both of you. Great points. I've had a mixed response about the previous hook so I've cut it in favour of a new one. I've also heavily reworked both para two and three. Thoughts?

 

Dear *Agent*,

​Arma Agriont, the weak little girl who couldn't save her brother, is dead. Long live Clover, the monster she must become in order to avenge him.

Fifteen-year-old Arma is a Wheezer, one of the unique few able to venture out of her roaming base to scour the barren, sun-scorched Wilds for the last remaining seeds in existence – vital for producing oxygen. But overexposure to the Wilds has ruined her lungs. Her brother would do anything to keep her alive, even committing treason to steal her an oxygen mask. It's the last action of his too-short life. Arma swears revenge against three people: The overseer whose testimony put him away, the base’s Elite ruler, Orchid, who had him executed, and her best friend who conspired with them to have her killed.

Escaping into the unforgiving Wilds, Arma eventually finds a new roving base and reinvents herself as the enigmatic Elite, Clover. The constant access to oxygen just about keeps her alive and her insight as an ex-Wheezer allows her to create a business that sates the Wheezers’ deepest desires. Disguising herself as one of them, she spreads the word about Clover, the Elite who truly cares about the Wheezers, and soon they’re all clambering to join. If she can control the production of oxygen, Clover can control any base. Even Orchid's. Only then can she return and enact her plan to unravel the lives of the men she swore vengeance against.

But the healers have terrible news: She is dying, and there may be no way to reverse the damage. Clover must return to Orchid base months ahead of schedule, risking detection by her sworn enemies, or face dying without ever avenging her beloved brother.

CLOVER is a standalone YA Science Fiction novel with series potential, complete at 90,000 words. It is a gender-bent retelling of the COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO set in a Sci-Fi world comparable to MAD MAX where oxygen is currency.


I'd love for you to critique my latest query...

Clover:

http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/

 

Or the first 250 words of my story...

Clover:

http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/

 


#17 PureZhar3

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Posted 05 April 2018 - 04:23 PM

Thanks to both of you. Great points. I've had a mixed response about the previous hook so I've cut it in favour of a new one. I've also heavily reworked both para two and three. Thoughts?

 

Dear *Agent*,

​Arma Agriont, the weak little girl who couldn't save her brother, is dead. Long live Clover, the monster she must become in order to avenge him. ​I like this! I think word-wise it may need some clarifying to be the best that it can be (see what fresh eyes say)

Fifteen-year-old Arma is a Wheezer, one of the unique few able to venture out of her roaming base to scour the barren, sun-scorched Wilds for the last remaining seeds in existence – vital for producing oxygen. But overexposure to the Wilds has ruined her lungs. Her brother would do anything to keep her alive, even committing treason to steal her an oxygen mask. It's the last action of his too-short life. ​This is good - you're getting us the information. However, it feels very flat and formulaic. Maybe try to change up the sentence structures or something? Arma swears revenge against three people: The overseer whose testimony put him ​her brother? away, the base’s Elite ruler, Orchid, ​ (or eliminate the commas around Orchid) who had him executed, and her best friend who conspired with them to have her​ him? killed.

Escaping into the unforgiving Wilds, Arma eventually finds a new roving base and reinvents herself as the enigmatic Elite, Clover. The constant access to oxygen just about keeps her alive and her insight as an ex-Wheezer allows her to create a business that sates the Wheezers’ deepest desires ​which are?. Disguising herself as one of them ​as a Wheezer? I would cut this clause, she spreads the word about Clover, the Elite who truly cares about the Wheezers, and soon they’re all clambering to join. If she ​Clover can control the production of oxygen, Clover ​she can control any base. Even Orchid's. Only then can she return and enact her plan to unravel the lives of the men she swore vengeance against. ​Why?

But the healers have terrible news: She is dying, and there may be no way to reverse the damage. Clover must return to Orchid base months ahead of schedule, risking detection by her sworn enemies, or face dying without ever avenging her beloved brother.

CLOVER is a standalone YA Science Fiction novel with series potential, complete at 90,000 words. It is a gender-bent retelling of the COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO set in a Sci-Fi world comparable to MAD MAX where oxygen is currency.

​This is good! You definitely made it more concise, but I'm not sure this version is as clear (to be expected). Work on ensuring all the basic plotline points are there in a clear format (for example, I think you were trying to say that her best friend was helping the rulers kill Arma, but the phrasing made me infer that and I wasn't sure if it was just a typo (you meant to type him).


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#18 TheBest

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Posted 06 April 2018 - 12:21 PM

Dear *Agent*,

​Arma Agriont, the weak little girl who couldn't save her brother, is dead. (Strong voice and strong hook) Long live Clover, the monster she must become in order to avenge him. (So, this is a fantastic opener, but it needs a little but more grounding. You ought to add a few details of what she does to become this, or what she plans to do to catch the killers etc.)

Fifteen-year-old (Move this to the opener.) Arma is a Wheezer, one of the unique few able to venture out of her roaming base (Explain what this is instead of using a noun.) to scour the barren, sun-scorched Wilds for the last remaining seeds in existence – vital for producing oxygen. But overexposure to the Wilds has ruined her lungs. (Interesting) Her brother would do anything to keep her alive, even committing treason to steal her an oxygen mask. It's the last action of his too-short life. Arma swears revenge against three people: The overseer whose testimony put him away, the base’s Elite ruler, Orchid, who had him executed, and her best friend who conspired with them to have her killed. (OK, this is really, really damn interesting, but it needs to be condensed. You have too many sentences, even if they are short and punchy. You could also eliminate this issue by splitting it into paragraphs -- agents don't like long blocks of text, even if they're fun to read.)

Escaping into the unforgiving Wilds, Arma eventually finds a new roving base and reinvents herself as the enigmatic Elite, Clover. (Great tie in!) The constant access to oxygen just about keeps her alive and her insight as an ex-Wheezer allows her to create a business that sates the Wheezers’ deepest desires. Disguising herself as one of them, she spreads the word about Clover, the Elite who truly cares about the Wheezers, and soon they’re all clambering to join. If she can control the production of oxygen, Clover can control any base. Even Orchid's. Only then can she return and enact her plan to unravel the lives of the men she swore vengeance against.  (Too many sentences. Word count looks fine, but there's just a bit to much clumped together.)

But the healers have terrible news: She is dying, and there may be no way to reverse the damage. Clover must return to Orchid base months ahead of schedule, risking detection by her sworn enemies, or face dying without ever avenging her beloved brother. (Great!)

CLOVER is a standalone YA Science Fiction novel with series potential, complete at 90,000 words. It is a gender-bent retelling of the COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO set in a Sci-Fi world comparable to MAD MAX where oxygen is currency. (Brilliant comps, but you ought to also add a modern book that's similar to your own. Something published in the last 3 years.)

 

This query really stood out to me. It's actually one of my favorites so far. Your voice is fantastic, and everything is short, punchy, and sweet. However, I think you have a bit too many sentences, and could condense some of the information. While it's all smooth and simple, you use a few too many words + sentences. Split into more paragraphs, or just cut down on some of the extra explanations. The simplicity here is your strength -- make it even stronger by shortening it. Also, while your opening is really interesting, it's a tad bit too cryptic. Add in an age, and what/how/why she reinvents herself in the opener. You didn't need much -- just a few words here describing the circumstances.

All in all, I really enjoyed reading this. Good luck!

 

If you've got time I'd love your opinion on my query! You can find it here:

http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=355110



#19 BadgerFox

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Posted 08 April 2018 - 08:14 AM


Dear *Agent*,

​Arma Agriont, the weak little girl who couldn't save her brother, is dead. Long live Clover, the monster she must become in order to avenge him.[Oo, good hook.]

Fifteen-year-old Arma is a Wheezer, one of the unique few able to venture out of her roaming base to scour the barren, sun-scorched Wilds for the last remaining seeds in existence – vital for producing oxygen. But overexposure to the Wilds has ruined her lungs. Her brother would do anything to keep her alive, even committing treason to steal her an oxygen mask. It's the last action of his too-short life. Arma swears revenge against three people: The overseer whose testimony put him away, the base’s Elite ruler, Orchid, who had him executed, and her best friend who conspired with them to have her killed.[This is a nicely laid-out plot beginning here. The motives feel clear and plausible]

Escaping into the unforgiving Wilds, Arma eventually finds a new roving base and reinvents herself as the enigmatic Elite, Clover. The constant access to oxygen just about keeps her alive and her insight as an ex-Wheezer allows her to create a business that sates the Wheezers’ deepest desires. Disguising herself as one of them, she spreads the word about Clover, the Elite who truly cares about the Wheezers, and soon they’re all clambering to join. If she can control the production of oxygen, Clover can control any base. Even Orchid's. Only then can she return and enact her plan to unravel the lives of the men she swore vengeance against.[this paragraph was slightly harder to follow but I think it's still overall clear, with a touch of re-reading. It's things I'm not sure you can change, like why 'Elite' is capitalized, which becomes clearer as the paragraph progresses. One thing that might clarify it quicker was if the 'Mad Max' comparison went in at the beginning not the end BUT that aspect of structure is up to you, because I guess you don't want to take attention away from the good opening hook. Either way is probably still ok.]

But the healers have terrible news: She is dying, and there may be no way to reverse the damage. Clover must return to Orchid base months ahead of schedule, risking detection by her sworn enemies, or face dying without ever avenging her beloved brother.[Good job on the short sentences, btw. It can be hard to pare them down in a query but it's a really good sign if you can manage it as it shows godo command of language and a clear grasp of what the plot is]

CLOVER is a standalone YA Science Fiction novel with series potential, complete at 90,000 words. It is a gender-bent retelling of the COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO set in a Sci-Fi world comparable to MAD MAX where oxygen is currency.[Neat premise, succintly summed up. If a comparison title is ever necessary it actually reminds me slightly of Frank Herbert's Dune, where water was a kind of currency]

 

This is looking in really good shape, any nitpicks are quite minor. I think it's clear, it's snappy, it starts with a good hook and it doesn't introduce too many convoluted characters with conflicting aims. I think you should be close to done soon!

 

 

If you're of a mind to return the favour, my query link's in my signature :)


Spare a little feedback, if you have a moment? :)

My AU historical novel query: here. Thank you!


#20 Arcanjoe

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Posted 09 April 2018 - 03:46 PM

Thanks to both of you. I split up the paragraphs at appropriate intervals to break everything up a little. I also tried to clear a few things up in the fourth and fifth para. Any better?

Dear *Agent*,

​Arma Agriont, the weak little girl who couldn't save her brother, is dead. Long live Clover, the monster she must become to avenge him.

Fifteen-year-old Arma is a Wheezer, one of the unique few able to venture out of her roaming base to scour the barren, sun-scorched Wilds for the last remaining seeds in existence – vital for producing oxygen. But overexposure to the Wilds has ruined her lungs. Her brother would do anything to keep her alive, even committing treason to steal her an oxygen mask. It's the last action of his too-short life.

Broken in mind and body, Arma swears revenge against three people: The overseer whose testimony put him away, the base’s Elite ruler, Orchid, who had him executed, and her best friend who conspired with them to have her killed too.

Escaping into the unforgiving Wilds, Arma eventually finds a new roving base and reinvents herself as the enigmatic Elite, Clover. The constant access to oxygen just about keeps her alive and her insight as an ex-Wheezer allows her to create a business that sates the Wheezers’ deepest desires: Payment in oxygen, rest and, above all, respect.

Disguising herself as a Wheezer this time, she spreads the word about Clover, the Elite who truly cares about them, and soon every Wheezer is clambering to join. If Clover can control the production of oxygen, she can control any base. Even Orchid's. Only then can she return and enact her plan to unravel the lives of the men she swore vengeance against.

But the healers have terrible news: She is dying, and there may be no way to reverse the damage. Clover must return to Orchid base months ahead of schedule, risking detection by her sworn enemies, or face dying without ever avenging her beloved brother.

CLOVER is a standalone YA Science Fiction novel with series potential, complete at 90,000 words. It is a gender-bent retelling of the COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO set in a Sci-Fi world comparable to MAD MAX where oxygen is currency.


I'd love for you to critique my latest query...

Clover:

http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/

 

Or the first 250 words of my story...

Clover:

http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/

 






Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Fiction, Young Adult, Science Fiction

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