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Clover - YA Science Fiction

Fiction Young Adult Science Fiction

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#21 Oldborne

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Posted 10 April 2018 - 01:16 AM

 

Thanks to both of you. I split up the paragraphs at appropriate intervals to break everything up a little. I also tried to clear a few things up in the fourth and fifth para. Any better?

Dear *Agent*,

​Arma Agriont, the weak little girl who couldn't save her brother, is dead. Long live Clover, the monster she must become to avenge him. Nice hook! The first sentence especially had me interested. 

 

Fifteen-year-old Arma is a Wheezer, one of the unique few able to venture out of her roaming base to scour the barren, sun-scorched Wilds for the last remaining seeds in existence – vital for producing oxygen. Great, unique idea. The title 'Wheezer' conquers all sorts of gnarly images, too.  But overexposure to the Wilds has ruined her lungs. Her brother would do anything to keep her alive, even committing treason to steal her an oxygen mask. It's the last action of his too-short life. Good paragraph overall but it does make me question who exactly he's committing treason against. There's been no mention of a country, state, king, etc. 

 

Broken in mind and body, Arma swears revenge against three people: The overseer whose testimony put him away, the base’s Elite ruler, Orchid, who had him executed, and her best friend who conspired with them to have her killed too. My above question is cleared up. I wonder if parts of this should be sooner though? Perhaps just a mention that her brother is stealing one of the overseer's oxygen marks? Just something to hint at a concrete power above them. 

 

Escaping into the unforgiving Wilds, Arma eventually finds a new roving base and reinvents herself as the enigmatic Elite, Clover. The constant access to oxygen just about keeps her alive and her insight as an ex-Wheezer allows her to create a business that sates the Wheezers’ deepest desires: Payment in oxygen, rest and, above all, respect. It's not clear how she's managed to create this business. I don't think being an ex-Wheezer is enough in the context of this query. What's stopping the other Wheezers from create whatever business Arma created? What exactly is the business? 

 

Disguising herself as a Wheezer this time, she spreads the word about Clover, the Elite who truly cares about them, and soon every Wheezer is clambering to join. If Clover can control the production of oxygen, she can control any base. Even Orchid's. Only then can she return and enact her plan to unravel the lives of the men she swore vengeance against.

 

But the healers have terrible news: She is dying, and there may be no way to reverse the damage. Clover must return to Orchid base months ahead of schedule, risking detection by her sworn enemies, or face dying without ever avenging her beloved brother. Good stakes but a line about why she's dying would be great. Over-exposure I'm assuming but just clear that up. 

 

CLOVER is a standalone YA Science Fiction novel with series potential, complete at 90,000 words. It is a gender-bent retelling of the COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO set in a Sci-Fi world comparable to MAD MAX where oxygen is currency.

 

I like the sound of this story a lot and not just become our two books have very similar words (down to the roaming way of life). The concept of a Wheezer is really unique and I think the name's great. The plot sounds fine, I've never read The Count of Monte Criso but a sci-fi, gender-bent re-telling of a novel published in 1845 sounds awesome. 

My only small critiques are that the business doesn't make much sense to me. What does she build it out of? Why does she build it? What does it do? And I think just a mention of the overseer or some other authority figure before the treason drop would be a good idea.

Best of luck with this, it sounds really cool.   


All feedback appreciated: http://agentquerycon...ust-sf-mystery/

 


#22 jpfranco

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Posted 10 April 2018 - 10:17 AM

Thanks to both of you. I split up the paragraphs at appropriate intervals to break everything up a little. I also tried to clear a few things up in the fourth and fifth para. Any better?

Dear *Agent*,

Arma Agriont, the weak little girl who couldn't save her brother, is dead. Long live Clover, the monster she must become to avenge him. This is fantastic

Fifteen-year-old Arma is a Wheezer, one of the unique few able to venture out of her roaming base to scour the barren, sun-scorched Wilds for the last remaining seeds in existence – vital for producing oxygen. But overexposure to the Wilds has ruined her lungs. Her brother would do anything to keep her alive, even committing treason to steal her an oxygen mask. It's the last action of his too-short life.

Broken in mind and body, Arma swears revenge against three people: The overseer whose testimony put him away, the base’s Elite ruler, Orchid, who had him executed, and her best friend who conspired with them to have her killed too.

Escaping into the unforgiving Wilds, Arma eventually finds a new roving base and reinvents herself as the enigmatic Elite, Clover. The constant access to oxygen just about keeps her alive Just about? I'd leave that out. She's alive and her insight as an ex-Wheezer allows her to create a business that sates the Wheezers’ deepest desires: Payment in oxygen, rest and, above all, respect. Here is where I get lost. What is she escaping from? I thought it was just her brother in trouble? Was she arrested too? I'm curious about the business. How does it sate their desires?

Disguising herself she's not really disguising herself, she's actuall a Wheezer, right? as a Wheezer this time, Is she still on her base? is she using the Wheezers somehow in her revenge plot? she spreads the word about Clover, the Elite who truly cares about them, and soon every Wheezer is clambering to join. Join her base? Or her business? If Clover can control the production of oxygen, she can control any base. Even Orchid's. Only then can she return and enact her plan to unravel unravel? I was thinking more like destroy the lives of the men she swore vengeance against.

But the healers have terrible news: She is dying, and there may be no way to reverse the damage. Clover must return to Orchid base months ahead of schedule, risking detection by her sworn enemies, or face dying without ever avenging her beloved brother.

CLOVER is a standalone YA Science Fiction novel with series potential, complete at 90,000 words. It is a gender-bent retelling of the COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO set in a Sci-Fi world comparable to MAD MAX where oxygen is currency.

 
I think the Wheezers muddle the query. RIght now, they don't seem that important. It's all about Clover and her revenge. If she's using them somehow, put that in. Otherwise, I'd leave them out entirely, and just make that paragraph about her gaining power with her ability to control oxygen. In your hook, you say she becomes a monster, but I don't see that as part of your query. I'm thinking it has something to do with the Wheezers. That needs clarification. This query has me more interested than the previous ones, for whatever that is worth. Good luck! 


#23 BrookeJS

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Posted 10 April 2018 - 12:28 PM

 

Thanks to both of you. I split up the paragraphs at appropriate intervals to break everything up a little. I also tried to clear a few things up in the fourth and fifth para. Any better?

Dear *Agent*,

​Arma Agriont, the weak little girl who couldn't save her brother, is dead. Long live Clover, the monster she must become to avenge him. ​(I do like this line!)

Fifteen-year-old Arma is a Wheezer, one of the unique ​(what makes her unique?) few able to venture out of her roaming base to scour the barren, sun-scorched Wilds for the last remaining seeds in existence – vital for producing oxygen. But overexposure to the Wilds has ruined her lungs. ​"Her brother would do anything to keep her alive, even committing treason to steal her an oxygen mask. It's the last action of his too-short life" ​- I think I would condense this, make it a little more mysterious, this should be a hook. Emphasize perhaps their relationship and the fact that his being unjustly ripped from her life has driven her toward her goals? I don't have an exact answer it just reads awkwardly to me.

Broken in mind and body, Arma swears revenge against three people: The overseer whose testimony put him away, the base’s Elite ruler, Orchid, who had him executed, and her best friend who conspired with them to have her killed too.  ​I would condense this as well. What betrayal is the most devastating? Probably her best friend (as is the case with Count of Monte Cristo). Mention the friends betrayal and her/his conspirators but avoid listing each one out - this part should be short.

Escaping into the unforgiving Wilds, Arma eventually finds a new roving base and reinvents herself as the enigmatic Elite, Clover ​(why are these bases moving? Are they in competition with one another and why does this base seem to have more oxygen than the rest, especially if oxygen is in such short supply?). The constant access to oxygen just about keeps her alive and her insight as an ex-Wheezer allows her to create a business that sates the Wheezers’ deepest desires: Payment in oxygen, rest and, above all, respect.

Disguising herself as a Wheezer this time ​(according to the start of this she already is a Wheezer, this is confusing, why does she have to disguise herself?), she spreads the word about Clover, the Elite who truly cares about them, and soon every Wheezer is clambering to join. If Clover can control the production of oxygen, she can control any base. Even Orchid's. Only then can she return and enact her plan to unravel the lives of the men she swore vengeance against. ​I see where you are creating a tie in to Count in this part, only Edmund didn't have to "spread the word" he found treasure and created his wealth and rose to a position of power in order to achieve his goals.

But the healers have terrible news ​I think the additions of "healers" is unnecessary here: She is dying, and there may be no way to reverse the damage ​It is already assumed she is dying, or at least ill - this is what her brother died for after all. Clover must return to Orchid base months ahead of schedule, risking detection by her sworn enemies, or face dying without ever avenging her beloved brother.

CLOVER is a standalone YA Science Fiction novel with series potential, complete at 90,000 words. It is a gender-bent retelling of the COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO set in a Sci-Fi world comparable to MAD MAX where oxygen is currency.

 

 

The Count of Monte Cristo is one of my favorite movies (I have not actually read the book so I am certain they differ quite a lot) and I was quite thrown when you revealed this is a retelling of that story. In the Count, Edmund is framed so that his best friend and rival can steal the love of his life, take his fortune, etc. I understand this is a retelling but execution for stealing an oxygen mask? I feel if you want this to really make sense you need to drive home the scarcity of these masks. They have to be a highly ​coveted item in order to justify something as serious as execution. Knowing the risks it seems unlikely Clover would go on a revenge spree if her brother wasn't framed (was he? Did he not actually steal the mask?) If he was guilty of stealing, outside of intense familial love, why is her revenge justified? As the reader, I'm not yet seeing a major reason of why I want to root for Clover. Also, it may just be me, but her exploits seem rather sophisticated for a fifteen-year-old, by the end of your query I'm imaging an adult.

 

I really like the concept of Wheezer, I can understand right away that this is an apparent post-apocalyptic world, and I can certainly feel the Mad Max vibes. I really enjoy the concept you have going here and it sounds like a very rich story! I'd probably enjoy reading it as I am often a fan of YA and this has a little bit of a steampunk feel to it. I think you're off to a good start and once you get it down it's gonna really pull everyone in! Good job!


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 






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