Thanks to both of you. I split up the paragraphs at appropriate intervals to break everything up a little. I also tried to clear a few things up in the fourth and fifth para. Any better?
Arma Agriont, the weak little girl who couldn't save her brother, is dead. Long live Clover, the monster she must become to avenge him. Nice hook! The first sentence especially had me interested.
Fifteen-year-old Arma is a Wheezer, one of the unique few able to venture out of her roaming base to scour the barren, sun-scorched Wilds for the last remaining seeds in existence – vital for producing oxygen. Great, unique idea. The title 'Wheezer' conquers all sorts of gnarly images, too. But overexposure to the Wilds has ruined her lungs. Her brother would do anything to keep her alive, even committing treason to steal her an oxygen mask. It's the last action of his too-short life. Good paragraph overall but it does make me question who exactly he's committing treason against. There's been no mention of a country, state, king, etc.
Broken in mind and body, Arma swears revenge against three people: The overseer whose testimony put him away, the base’s Elite ruler, Orchid, who had him executed, and her best friend who conspired with them to have her killed too. My above question is cleared up. I wonder if parts of this should be sooner though? Perhaps just a mention that her brother is stealing one of the overseer's oxygen marks? Just something to hint at a concrete power above them.
Escaping into the unforgiving Wilds, Arma eventually finds a new roving base and reinvents herself as the enigmatic Elite, Clover. The constant access to oxygen just about keeps her alive and her insight as an ex-Wheezer allows her to create a business that sates the Wheezers’ deepest desires: Payment in oxygen, rest and, above all, respect. It's not clear how she's managed to create this business. I don't think being an ex-Wheezer is enough in the context of this query. What's stopping the other Wheezers from create whatever business Arma created? What exactly is the business?
Disguising herself as a Wheezer this time, she spreads the word about Clover, the Elite who truly cares about them, and soon every Wheezer is clambering to join. If Clover can control the production of oxygen, she can control any base. Even Orchid's. Only then can she return and enact her plan to unravel the lives of the men she swore vengeance against.
But the healers have terrible news: She is dying, and there may be no way to reverse the damage. Clover must return to Orchid base months ahead of schedule, risking detection by her sworn enemies, or face dying without ever avenging her beloved brother. Good stakes but a line about why she's dying would be great. Over-exposure I'm assuming but just clear that up.
CLOVER is a standalone YA Science Fiction novel with series potential, complete at 90,000 words. It is a gender-bent retelling of the COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO set in a Sci-Fi world comparable to MAD MAX where oxygen is currency.
I like the sound of this story a lot and not just become our two books have very similar words (down to the roaming way of life). The concept of a Wheezer is really unique and I think the name's great. The plot sounds fine, I've never read The Count of Monte Criso but a sci-fi, gender-bent re-telling of a novel published in 1845 sounds awesome.
My only small critiques are that the business doesn't make much sense to me. What does she build it out of? Why does she build it? What does it do? And I think just a mention of the overseer or some other authority figure before the treason drop would be a good idea.
Best of luck with this, it sounds really cool.