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INFINITY (Adult Romance)


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#21 BrookeJS

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Posted 15 April 2018 - 03:12 PM

First of all, thank you so much for your input. I'm responding here not to defend my work, but to let you know, in case you stumble upon a new version of this query, why I didn't put your suggestions to work here. The thing is, Melanie is not a victim of anything but her own convictions. She's really not a battered woman. In fact, I expect readers to wonder why she hasn't left him. She's making a choice to stay with Jim. His abuse is subtle at first, and only escalates after Jim comes into the picture. Melanie and Jim are locked in a pattern that has repeated itself over multiple lifetimes, and that is what has her tied to him. 

 

It is a dual POV, which is why I included him in the query. Thanks again for your time! Evey critique helps!

 

You're welcome! I just wanted to say, real quick, that I recognize that your story takes place across multiple lifetimes. I suppose what I am trying to get across is that THAT is part of the cycle of abuse. You have the perfect analogy for it right there. So the question is raised - unless these individuals are cursed (brings in a whole new element - reminds me of Witches of Eastwick), what keeps pulling Melanie and Jim back into this abusive cycle? If it's strictly Jim's hold over her, then play that up. Really emphasis her conflict and distress because if you don't, I fear she becomes unsympathetic to the reader. Why did Melanie choose Jim over Mario in the first place if these three are trapped in this loop? I think your stakes are Mario and Melanie breaking the loop and the consequences of if they do or don't. Something about this lifetime has to be different then all the rest. =)


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...epic/?p=355403 

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#22 Bkrasnik

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Posted 16 April 2018 - 06:04 PM

I worked on the hook, but I'm not sure it's any better. It's my bane. 

 

Newest revision:

 

 

Melanie and Mario are falling in love, and not for the first time. They may lose each other again, if they can't escape twisted love triangle that has gripped them for lifetimes.

 

Less than a year into her marriage to Jim, Melanie is already having doubts. When she meets Mario, the powerful attraction she feels for him only further muddles her feelings. Melanie likes to think of herself as someone who always does what’s right, and leaving her husband for another man is not something she’s ever thought was right. Jim’s verbal abuse and alcoholism aren’t valid enough reasons to her to leave him. She fights the pull she feels to Mario, staying loyal Jim, but her loyalty may cost her her own life. Jim has killed her before. The more Melanie pulls away from him, the tighter he closes his grip on her. He may kill her again, if she can’t find the strength to let go of her misguided convictions and save herself.

 

Mario’s life gets a lot more interesting when Melanie rides into it, all wild red hair and fiery green eyes, on her flashy Appaloosa. The pull he feels to Melanie is so strong it’s surprising to Mario, and it becomes more mystifying still when he begins having dreams about her. The dreams change, but they always end the same way: with Melanie’s death. When Mario realizes that the dreams are visions of past lives they’ve lived together, he finally understands his attraction to her. In the past, Mario has tried to save Melanie, and lost her. He is tortured by the thought of losing her again, but he fears it may have been his interference in the past that lead to Melanie’s death.

 

 

INFINITY is a dual POV romance novel about love that spans lifetimes, the parts we play in each other’s lives, and the connection between humans that transcends our earthly existence. 

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

Melanie and Mario are falling in love, and not for the first time. They may lose each other again, if they can't escape (the) twisted love triangle that has gripped them for lifetimes.

 

Less than a year into her marriage to Jim, Melanie is already having doubts. When she meets Mario, the powerful attraction she feels for him only further muddles her feelings. Melanie likes to think of herself as someone who always does what’s right, and leaving her husband for another man is not something she’s ever thought was right (Redundantà “always does what’s right” and “thought was right.” Also leaving her husband for another man is obviously unethical. This is not news to anyone and does not add any value to her character). Jim’s verbal abuse and alcoholism aren’t valid enough reasons to her (Should be “for her” and not “to her”—is this a typo or intentional? Either way, you need to review your work better.) to leave him. She fights the pull she feels to Mario, staying loyal (to) Jim, but her loyalty may cost her her own life. (Sorry, this is where I stop reading. You need to fix all your typos and put in your best effort before you post for others to revise. In terms of content thus far, what you have is a pretty generic plot and 2-D characters. You need to spice this up and make it more unique if you want an agent to pick this up.) Jim has killed her before. The more Melanie pulls away from him, the tighter he closes his grip on her. He may kill her again, if she can’t find the strength to let go of her misguided convictions and save herself.

 

Mario’s life gets a lot more interesting when Melanie rides into it, all wild red hair and fiery green eyes, on her flashy Appaloosa. The pull he feels to Melanie is so strong it’s surprising to Mario, and it becomes more mystifying still when he begins having dreams about her. The dreams change, but they always end the same way: with Melanie’s death. When Mario realizes that the dreams are visions of past lives they’ve lived together, he finally understands his attraction to her. In the past, Mario has tried to save Melanie, and lost her. He is tortured by the thought of losing her again, but he fears it may have been his interference in the past that lead to Melanie’s death.

 

 

INFINITY is a dual POV romance novel about love that spans lifetimes, the parts we play in each other’s lives, and the connection between humans that transcends our earthly existence.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Have a moment to offer up some very much appreciated feedback? :)

My Young Adult Dystopian Query: http://agentquerycon...ate-on-post-15/


#23 jpfranco

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Posted 17 April 2018 - 11:04 AM

Thank you for taking the time to critique. I appreciate your note of the typos, you are the first one to pick up on those in the new version, so that helps. It's actually a big part of posting on here. Sometimes we read what we already have in our own minds, so we can't see those, and sometimes even those critiquing don't, either.



#24 Bkrasnik

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Posted 17 April 2018 - 01:00 PM

Thank you for taking the time to critique. I appreciate your note of the typos, you are the first one to pick up on those in the new version, so that helps. It's actually a big part of posting on here. Sometimes we read what we already have in our own minds, so we can't see those, and sometimes even those critiquing don't, either.

 

No problem, and thank you for providing feedback on my query! 


Have a moment to offer up some very much appreciated feedback? :)

My Young Adult Dystopian Query: http://agentquerycon...ate-on-post-15/





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