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THE WOLF, THE CROW AND THE QUEEN. YA FANTASY.


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#1 SnowFox23

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Posted 09 April 2018 - 02:43 AM

Hi lovelies. An agent has requested a partial and also the synopsis. Please tell me why the following is crap. Cheers!

 

UPDATED!! NEW SYNOPSIS

 

LUX STRICKLAND is a mute seventeen-year-old girl who was born into the cursed kingdom of Nightling. Lux has lived her entire life in the dark because her kingdom is trapped in eternal winter and she has no idea how to break the curse. Although she cannot speak, she can understand the animals in her kingdom when they talk and she communicates with them through sign language. When unwanted vagrants come seeking refuge, her crow, AVALON, becomes her voice by interpreting for Lux in spoken English.

 

After her parents’ suicides, Lux becomes the Queen of Nightling and grows into a vengeful teen whose rage is fuelled by the abandonment of her parents. Her distrust of humans is solidified by the few vagrants whom she has allowed into her Kingdom, who promised friendship only to abandon her. The latest vagrant is a teenage boy from the Ravanna Kingdom, KAI WATERSTONE, whom Lux has begun to have feelings for despite being wary of trusting him.

 

When another vagrant comes knocking at Nightling, Lux instructs her wolf pack, lead by LEOD, to throw him into the Poisoned River that runs throughout her kingdom. When the wolves begin to act strangely after the event, they admit that something went wrong with the man but refuse to say what.

 

The next day, Lux finds that Leod and Avalon have been stolen from her kingdom. An anonymous note informs her that if she does not leave Nightling by tomorrow, Leod and Avalon will be murdered.

 

Lux reluctantly leaves Nightling, her wolf pack and Kai behind to search for them. Joining in her search is TIMMY, a vagrant and former lover whom she once granted refuge at Nightling. At first, Lux is relieved that she will have someone to speak for her in the next Kingdom but Lux begins to distrust Timmy’s intentions in finding her animals. She abandons him, continues her journey alone and finds a way to communicate through books with strangers.

 

When Lux finds out that her animals are being held in the heavily guarded and dangerous Lannox Kingdom, she finds a man called FARROW, who insists he can help sneak her in.

 

But in the hours before they are to leave for Lannox, Timmy finds Lux at Farrow’s house.  He insists that Farrow is preparing to betray her by handing her over to the guards as soon as they arrive in Lannox.

Farrow confronts Timmy who denies the allegation, and insists that it is Timmy who is preparing to betray her in Lannox. Lux does not know who to trust and flees to Lannox by herself with the two men in pursuit.

 

She finds a way into the dungeons and though she searches, she realizes her animals were never brought there. Timmy confronts her in the dungeons and reveals himself to be the true betrayer. He hands her over to the guards who lock her in the dungeons.

 

Alone in the dungeon, she finally breaks down and allows herself to grieve over her parent’s death, ridding herself of the rage she has always carried.

 

A prison guard appears and Lux realises that he is the man who was thrown into the Poisoned River by her wolves. The man is twenty years younger than he was just weeks ago and mentions that the Poisoned River changed him for the good when he was thrown in. He releases Lux from the dungeon and tells her that her animals are in the Lannox castle. Lux flees to the castle and finds Leod and Avalon there, unharmed and ecstatic that Lux came to save them.

 

They flee together back to Nightling. As soon as they return home they see the rest of the wolf pack lying dead in the snow and a small army of soldiers littering her kingdom. Broken, Lux walks into her castle to find Kai sitting on her throne.

 

He berates her for not allowing more vagrants into Nightling over the years, telling her that she was selfish and cruel to keep the kingdom to herself when others, like his family, desperately needed refuge. He admits that he watched his family starve to death in the Ravanna Kingdom and Lux realizes that she was wrong to close Nightling to others.

 

With the guards help, Kai punishes Lux by throwing her into the Poisoned River. As soon as she hits the water, Lux hears the river speak. It tells her that as a baby, her parents bathed her in the river and that it is the key to the curse: The kingdom changes to reflect the soul of the person thrown into the Poisoned River. It also takes something from a person and leaves them with one gift.

Because Lux was once rage-filled and cruel, the Kingdom became cold and dark. But now that she has forgiven her parents and healed herself of rage, the Kingdom reflects her new soul. When she emerges from Nightling, the Kingdom has completely changed. It is now full of sunlight and colour.

 

When Lux emerges from the Poisoned River, everyone is stunned to witness the new Nightling. When the soldiers and Kai ask her how the kingdom changed, Lux opens her mouth and speaks. The Poisoned River has finally given her voice back. She knows that if she falls back into her pattern of hating people then the Poisoned River will punish her again. So, instead, she tells Kai that she forgives him for everything he has done and asks him to forgive her for letting his family die. The rest of the surviving wolf pack drive Kai and the soldiers out of Nightling.

 

In the final scene, Lux opens the doors of Nightling with Leod and Avalon and allows people inside her new and colourful Kingdom.



#2 galaxyspinner

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Posted 09 April 2018 - 12:27 PM

LUX STRICKLAND, (No comma) is a mute seventeen year old ("seventeen-year-old") girl who was born into the cursed Kingdom of Nightling. Lux has lived her entire life in the dark because her Kingdom (do not capitalize) is trapped in eternal winter, and she has no idea how to break the curse. Although she cannot speak, she can understand the animals in her Kingdom when they talk and she communicates with them through sign-language (no hyphen).

 

After her parents’ suicides, Lux becomes the Queen of Nightling and grows into a vengeful teen (This feels like material that should have gone in the intro paragraph; we already know her as a seventeen-year-old, so it's jarring to hear of her "growing into" a teen at this point.) whose raged ("rage") is fuelled ("fueled') by the abandonment of her parents. Her distrust of humans is solidified by the few vagrants who ("whom") she has allowed into her Kingdom, who promised friendship only to abandon her. The latest vagrant is a teenage boy from the Ravanna Kingdom, KAI WATERSTONE, who ("whom") Lux has begun to have feelings for despite being wary of trusting him (consider re-wording; "wary of trusting him" is a little awkward and redundant.).

 

When another vagrant comes knocking at Nightling, Lux instructs her wolf pack, lead by LEOD, to throw the him into the river of poison that runs throughout her Kingdom. When the wolves begin to act strangely after the event, they admit that something went wrong with the man, but refuse to say what.

 

The next day, Lux finds that Leod and her crow, AVALON, have been stolen from her Kingdom. An anonymous note informs her, (no comma) that if she does not leave Nightling by tomorrow, Leod and Avalon will be murdered.

 

Lux reluctantly leaves Nightling, her wolf pack and Kai behind to search for them. Joining in her search is TIMMY, a vagrant (consider mixing up your word choice a bit; "transient", "refugee", something like that) and former lover who ("whom") she once granted refuge at Nightling. At first, Lux is relieved that she will have someone to speak for her in the next Kingdom, but Lux begins to distrust Timmy’s intentions in finding her animals. She abandons him, continues her journey alone, and finds a way to communicate through books with strangers. (I notice that you use the Oxford comma here, but you usually don't. Personally, I favor the Oxford comma. Some people feel differently, but I think it's important to commit to one way or the other.)

 

When Lux finds out that her animals are being held in the heavily guarded and dangerous Lannox Kingdom, she finds a man called FARROW, who insists he can help sneak her in. But in the hours before they are to leave for Lannox, Timmy finds Lux at Farrow’s house.  He insists that Farrow is preparing to betray her by handing her over to the guards as soon as they arrive.

 

Farrow confronts Timmy who denies the allegation and insists that it is Timmy who is preparing to betray her in Lannox. Lux does not know who to trust and flees to Lannox by herself with the two men in pursuit.

 

She finds a way into the dungeons and though she searches, she realises ("realizes" is preferred in the US and Canada, though "realises" is common in England; if you're submitting in England, disregard this comment) her animals were never brought there. Timmy confronts her in the dungeons, and reveals himself to be the true betrayer. He hands her over to the guards who lock her in the dungeons.

 

Alone in the dungeon, she finally breaks down and allows herself to grieve over her parent’s death, ridding herself of the rage she has always carried.

 

A prison guard appears and Lux realises that he is the man who was thrown into the Poisoned River by her wolves. The man is twenty years younger than he was just weeks ago, and mentions that the Posioned River changed him for the good when he was thrown in. He releases Lux from the dungeon, and tells her that her animals are still alive and close. Before she flees the Lannox Kingdom, she searches the castle and finds Leod and Avalon (you might not need to mention Avalon in this synopsis; you only need to identify the really important characters, and this character doesn't seem to be doing anything of note) there.

 

They flee together, (no comma) back to Nightling (comma, or possibly a new sentence) but as soon as they return home, they see the rest of the wolf pack lying dead in the snow and a small army of soldiers litter (word agreement; since the wolf pack is "lying", the army should be "littering") her Kingdom. Broken, Lux walks into her castle to find Kai sitting on her throne.

 

He abuses her for not allowing more vagrants into Nightling over the years, telling her that she was selfish and cruel to keep the Kingdom to herself when others, like his family, desperately needed refuge. With the guards (possessive) help, Kai punishes Lux by throwing her into the Posioned (Poisoned) River.

 

As soon as she hits the water, she hears the river speak. It tells her that the Kingdom changes to reflect the soul of the person thrown into the river. It also takes something from a person, and leaves them with one gift. The river took her voice, but it gave her the ability to understand the animals. Because Lux was once rage-filled and cruel, the Kingdom became cold and dark. But now that she has forgiven her parents and healed herself of rage, the Kingdom reflects her new soul.

 

When she emerges from Nightling, the Kingdom has completely changed. It is now full of sunlight and colour.

Lux and the rest of her wolf pack drive the soldiers and Kai out of the new Nightling.  

In the final scene, she opens the doors of Nightling and allows people inside her new and colourful Kingdom.


Are you an actress looking for a comedic monologue? Check out Lady Parts: 50 Monologues for Funny Actresses.

 

Critique my query: Buccaneers of the Wild Blue


#3 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 09 April 2018 - 01:41 PM

Hi lovelies. An agent has requested a partial and also the synopsis. Please tell me why the following is crap. HAH! Ain't that the truth. Cheers!


LUX STRICKLAND I googled if Lux is actually a name after this, and see it means "light". Very clever. , is a mute seventeen year old seventeen-year-old girl who was born into the cursed Kingdom of Nightling. Lux has lived her entire life in the dark because her Kingdom kingdom? is trapped in eternal winter, and she has no idea how to break the curse. Although she cannot speak, she can understand the animals in her Kingdom when they talk and she communicates with them through sign-language. I had a quick peek at your query, and understand that the crow does the talking for her? This is never really specified in here, and it makes the crow seem unimportant. Definetly beef up the crow a bit more, since he's part of the title.

After her parents’ suicides yikes! although not entirely important for the synopsis, I wonder what was so terrible in their lives that they killed themselves and left their daughter alone, Lux becomes the Queen of Nightling and grows into a vengeful teen you already established she's a teen in the opening, so this feels redundant. whose raged is fuelled (I see someone else commented that this is the wrong spelling, but it looks right to be. I'm guessing my Canadian spelling and your Australian/New Zealand spelling share a lot of similarities, and I personally don't have a problem with it.) by the abandonment of her parents. Her distrust of humans is solidified by the few vagrants who she has allowed into her Kingdom, who promised friendship only to abandon her. The latest vagrant is a teenage boy from the Ravanna Kingdom, KAI WATERSTONE, who Lux has begun to have feelings for despite being wary of trusting him.

When another vagrant comes knocking at Nightling, Lux instructs her wolf pack, lead by LEOD, to throw the him into the river of poison well that's ominous that runs throughout her Kingdom. When the wolves begin to act strangely after the event, they admit that something went wrong with the man, but refuse to say what.

The next day, Lux finds that Leod and her crow, AVALON, yeah, definitely talk a bit more about Avalon before this otherwise he seems superflous have been stolen from her Kingdom. An anonymous note informs her, that if she does not leave Nightling by tomorrow, Leod and Avalon will be murdered. noooo, not the animals!
Lux reluctantly leaves Nightling, her wolf pack and Kai behind to search for them. Joining in her search is TIMMY, a vagrant maybe use a different word apart from vagrant, since you've used it a few times and former lover who she once granted refuge at Nightling. At first, Lux is relieved that she will have someone to speak for her in the next Kingdom, but Lux begins to distrust Timmy’s intentions in finding her animals. She abandons him, continues her journey alone, and finds a way to communicate through books with strangers.

When Lux finds out that her animals are being held in the heavily guarded and dangerous Lannox Kingdom small thing, but with the eternal winter, and the name Lannox, it reminds me a bit of Game of Thrones, with the Starks and the Lannisters. The name Lannox is very similar to Lannister, she finds a man called FARROW, who insists he can help sneak her in. But in the hours before they are to leave for Lannox, Timmy finds Lux at Farrow’s house. He insists that Farrow is preparing to betray her by handing her over to the guards as soon as they arrive.

Farrow confronts Timmy who denies the allegation and insists that it is Timmy who is preparing to betray her in Lannox. Lux does not know who to trust and flees to Lannox by herself with the two men in pursuit.

She finds a way into the dungeons and though she searches this sounds a bit awkward, maybe "through her searches", she realises her animals were never brought there. Timmy confronts her in the dungeons, and reveals himself to be the true betrayer. Poor girl. No wonder she's so fucked up. Everyone is just fucking her over, it seems. He hands her over to the guards who lock her in the dungeons.

Alone in the dungeon, she finally breaks down and allows herself to grieve over her parent’s death, ridding herself of the rage she has always carried.

A prison guard appears and Lux realises that he is the man who was thrown into the Poisoned River this wasn't capatalized earlier by her wolves. The man is twenty years younger than he was just weeks ago, and mentions that the Posioned River changed him for the good when he was thrown in. He releases Lux from the dungeon, and tells her that her animals are still alive and close. Before she flees the Lannox Kingdom, she searches the castle and finds Leod and Avalon there.

They flee together, back to Nightling but as soon as they return home, they see the rest of the wolf pack lying dead in the snow and a small army of soldiers litter "littering" would be a better parallel to "lying" her Kingdom. Broken, Lux walks into her castle to find Kai sitting on her throne. Bastard!

He abuses like what, beats her up? tortures her? this seems like an odd word choice her for not allowing more vagrants into Nightling over the years, telling her that she was selfish and cruel to keep the Kingdom to herself when others, like his family, desperately needed refuge. With the guards help, Kai punishes Lux by throwing her into the Posioned River.

As soon as she hits the water, she hears the river speak. It tells her that the Kingdom changes to reflect the soul of the person thrown into the river. It also takes something from a person, and leaves them with one gift. The river took her voice, but it gave her the ability to understand the animals. Sooo... she was thrown into the river when she was young too? And it took her voice then? Because Lux was once rage-filled and cruel, the Kingdom became cold and dark. But now that she has forgiven her parents and healed herself of rage, the Kingdom reflects her new soul. So what about that other guy thrown in the river? Wouldn’t the kingdom reflect him too??

When she emerges from Nightling, the Kingdom has completely changed. It is now full of sunlight and colour. Has Lux changed physically too like the man? Or just her kingdom?
Lux and the rest of her wolf pack thought the entire wolf pack was dead? drive the soldiers and Kai out of the new Nightling.
In the final scene, she opens the doors of Nightling and allows people inside her new and colourful Kingdom. These last couple sentences seem a bit rushed. Maybe add in a bit more? I understood everything, though, could just use a bit more depth.

This definetly would have been something I would have been into when I was in highschool (and lets be honest, I would still read it now.) I understood everything more or less, there were just a couple things at the end that could use some clarification. Congrats on getting a request :)

#4 SnowFox23

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Posted 10 April 2018 - 12:00 AM

Wow, thank you so much DisgruntelWriter and GalaxySpinner.

I honestly was bracing myself for huge criticisms. Thank you for your input. I will tweak and revise.

 

Thanks again, you're both the best!



#5 SnowFox23

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Posted 10 April 2018 - 01:09 AM

LUX STRICKLAND is a mute seventeen-year-old girl who was born into the cursed kingdom of Nightling. Lux has lived her entire life in the dark because her kingdom is trapped in eternal winter and she has no idea how to break the curse. Although she cannot speak, she can understand the animals in her kingdom when they talk and she communicates with them through sign language. When unwanted vagrants come seeking refuge, her crow, AVALON, becomes her voice by interpreting for Lux in spoken English.

 

After her parents’ suicides, Lux becomes the Queen of Nightling and grows into a vengeful teen whose rage is fuelled by the abandonment of her parents. Her distrust of humans is solidified by the few vagrants whom she has allowed into her Kingdom, who promised friendship only to abandon her. The latest vagrant is a teenage boy from the Ravanna Kingdom, KAI WATERSTONE, whom Lux has begun to have feelings for despite being wary of trusting him.

 

When another vagrant comes knocking at Nightling, Lux instructs her wolf pack, lead by LEOD, to throw him into the Poisoned River that runs throughout her kingdom. When the wolves begin to act strangely after the event, they admit that something went wrong with the man but refuse to say what.

 

The next day, Lux finds that Leod and Avalon have been stolen from her kingdom. An anonymous note informs her that if she does not leave Nightling by tomorrow, Leod and Avalon will be murdered.

 

Lux reluctantly leaves Nightling, her wolf pack and Kai behind to search for them. Joining in her search is TIMMY, a vagrant and former lover whom she once granted refuge at Nightling. At first, Lux is relieved that she will have someone to speak for her in the next Kingdom but Lux begins to distrust Timmy’s intentions in finding her animals. She abandons him, continues her journey alone and finds a way to communicate through books with strangers.

 

When Lux finds out that her animals are being held in the heavily guarded and dangerous Lannox Kingdom, she finds a man called FARROW, who insists he can help sneak her in.

 

But in the hours before they are to leave for Lannox, Timmy finds Lux at Farrow’s house.  He insists that Farrow is preparing to betray her by handing her over to the guards as soon as they arrive in Lannox.

Farrow confronts Timmy who denies the allegation, and insists that it is Timmy who is preparing to betray her in Lannox. Lux does not know who to trust and flees to Lannox by herself with the two men in pursuit.

 

She finds a way into the dungeons and though she searches, she realizes her animals were never brought there. Timmy confronts her in the dungeons and reveals himself to be the true betrayer. He hands her over to the guards who lock her in the dungeons.

 

Alone in the dungeon, she finally breaks down and allows herself to grieve over her parent’s death, ridding herself of the rage she has always carried.

 

A prison guard appears and Lux realises that he is the man who was thrown into the Poisoned River by her wolves. The man is twenty years younger than he was just weeks ago and mentions that the Poisoned River changed him for the good when he was thrown in. He releases Lux from the dungeon and tells her that her animals are in the Lannox castle. Lux flees to the castle and finds Leod and Avalon there, unharmed and ecstatic that Lux came to save them.

 

They flee together back to Nightling. As soon as they return home they see the rest of the wolf pack lying dead in the snow and a small army of soldiers littering her kingdom. Broken, Lux walks into her castle to find Kai sitting on her throne.

 

He berates her for not allowing more vagrants into Nightling over the years, telling her that she was selfish and cruel to keep the kingdom to herself when others, like his family, desperately needed refuge. He admits that he watched his family starve to death in the Ravanna Kingdom and Lux realizes that she was wrong to close Nightling to others.

 

With the guards help, Kai punishes Lux by throwing her into the Poisoned River. As soon as she hits the water, Lux hears the river speak. It tells her that as a baby, her parents bathed her in the river and that it is the key to the curse: The kingdom changes to reflect the soul of the person thrown into the Poisoned River. It also takes something from a person and leaves them with one gift.

Because Lux was once rage-filled and cruel, the Kingdom became cold and dark. But now that she has forgiven her parents and healed herself of rage, the Kingdom reflects her new soul. When she emerges from Nightling, the Kingdom has completely changed. It is now full of sunlight and colour.

 

When Lux emerges from the Poisoned River, everyone is stunned to witness the new Nightling. When the soldiers and Kai ask her how the kingdom changed, Lux opens her mouth and speaks. The Poisoned River has finally given her voice back. She knows that if she falls back into her pattern of hating people then the Poisoned River will punish her again. So, instead, she tells Kai that she forgives him for everything he has done and asks him to forgive her for letting his family die. The rest of the surviving wolf pack drive Kai and the soldiers out of Nightling.

 

In the final scene, Lux opens the doors of Nightling with Leod and Avalon and allows people inside her new and colourful Kingdom.






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