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Love and War

Fiction Gay Lesbian Romance

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#1 Aightball

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Posted 09 April 2018 - 01:34 PM

UPDATE IN POST #13 =)

 

Hello!  I've been gone a while and am back with a new book.  It's currently being ripped by my writer's group and I'm working on the query and a WIP both.  I've been struggling with the query because I've never written a romance novel (and as of now, I'm 99% sure that's what I wrote).  Any and all critiques are welcome!  I will critique back and plan to bop around the query forum, doing critiques as time permits =). 

 

***

 

Kevin Sorensen's in love and it's all Shakespeare's fault.  If he hadn't agreed to take over the fall play from the usual director he wouldn't have met Chad and his world wouldn't have been turned upside down.  And he wouldn't be having nearly as much fun.

 

There was something about Chad from the moment he saw him.  But the two are light night and day: Chad's comfortable being open about his support of gay rights and Kevin's not.  Chad doesn't care about consequences, real or imagined, regarding who knows he's bi-sexual.  Kevin's convinced that if the wrong person finds out, he's out of a job.  And it doesn't help that Chad's folks are super cool with it and Kevin's parents are guarded in their acceptance.  His mother would rather he find a nice girl but begrudgingly accepts that he prefers men.

 

By the time the right to marry goes before the supreme court, Chad has brought Kevin mostly out of his shell.  Marriage rallies, PRIDE parades, they all become the norm.  And when the students at Kevin's high school as him to be their administrative representative for a GSA, he realizes he needs to be a role model for them.  Finally, Kevin joins up fully into the local LGBTQ movement.  And when the marriage decision day finally arrives, he'll be able to celebrate in more ways than one!

 

LOVE AND WAR is contemporary LGBT fiction complete at ____ words.  Thank you for your time and consideration.


Most girls are made of
sugar and spice and everything nice; they
screwed up the recipe for me: I'm made of
bat wings and broken things.

Query: http://agentquerycon...3-love-and-war/

Blog: http://aightball.wordpress.com

Synopsis:

Twitter Hook(s):

Short Story "Anguish", in Winter's Regret: http://www.amazon.co...winter's regret

aertja.jpg


#2 BrookeJS

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Posted 10 April 2018 - 01:02 AM

Kevin Sorensen's in love and it's all Shakespeare's fault.  If he hadn't agreed to take over the fall play from the usual director ​seems unnecessary he wouldn't have met Chad and his world wouldn't have been turned upside down.  And he wouldn't be having nearly as much fun ​I think I would revise this line, something along the lines of "He certainly wouldn't be having nearly as much fun!" to avoid starting with "and"

 

There was something about Chad from the moment he saw him.  But the two are light ​typo? night and day: Chad's comfortable being open about his support of gay rights and Kevin's not.  Chad doesn't care about consequences, real or imagined, regarding who knows he's bi-sexual.  Kevin's convinced that if the wrong person finds out, he's out of a job.  And it doesn't help that Chad's folks are super cool with it and Kevin's parents are guarded in their acceptance.  His mother would rather he find a nice girl but begrudgingly accepts that he prefers men.

 

By the time the right to marry goes before the supreme court, Chad has brought Kevin mostly out of his shell.  Marriage rallies, PRIDE parades, they all become the norm.  And when the students at Kevin's high school as him to be their administrative representative for a GSA, he realizes he needs to be a role model for them.  Finally, Kevin joins up fully into the local LGBTQ movement.  And when the marriage decision day finally arrives, he'll be able to celebrate in more ways than one! ​I'm uncertain what this line is saying, does it imply they are getting married? 

 

LOVE AND WAR is contemporary LGBT fiction complete at ____ words.  Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

(I don't know how to separate with the edits in a box and additional comments below so hope this format works! I'll admit this story may not be my cup of tea but you definitely caught me with the first line and it made me want to keep reading. Who doesn't blame Shakespeare for their unrealistic ideas of love? lol, It makes me want to know more of how Shakespeare influenced the characters views! I'm no expert and so beyond a few grammatical errors I didn't notice anything major. I'd say avoid starting sentences with "and" or "but". Good job!)


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#3 TheBest

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Posted 10 April 2018 - 07:43 AM

Kevin Sorensen's in love and it's all Shakespeare's fault. (HA! Great opener.) If he hadn't agreed to take over the fall play from the usual director, he wouldn't have met Chad and his world wouldn't have been turned upside down (This is good, but make "world turned upside down" a tad more specific, or romantic.).  And he wouldn't be having nearly as much fun. (Ha! Fantastic first paragraph.)

 

There was something about Chad from the moment he saw him. (Add a descriptor to that something. Something specific. Because right now I don't know anything about Chad's character, and he seems really important.) But the two are like light night and day: Chad's comfortable being open about his support of gay rights (Don't think rights is the right word here. Maybe, "open about his sexuality AND support of gay rights? Or just open about his sexuality? Because unless the novel's about activism I doubt you need that.) and Kevin's not.  Chad doesn't care about consequences, real or imagined, regarding who knows he's bi-sexual.  Kevin's convinced that if the wrong person finds out, he's out of a job. (Great stakes and equally great characterization.) And it doesn't help that Chad's folks are super cool with it, while Kevin's parents are guarded and hesitant of accepting the revelation  His mother would rather he find a nice girl but begrudgingly accepts that he prefers men. (This is excess. I like the voice, but just work it into the earlier sentence.)

 

By the time the right to marry goes before the supreme court (Actually, I take back my comment about activism, it seems like it may be important.), Chad has brought Kevin mostly out of his shell.  Marriage rallies, PRIDE parades, -- they all become the norm. (Awkward) And when the students at Kevin's high school as him to be their administrative representative for a GSA, he realizes he needs to be a role model for them.  Finally, Kevin joins up fully into the local LGBTQ movement.  And when the marriage decision day finally arrives, he'll be able to celebrate in more ways than one!

(What?!? I don't think you should end a query with a clear, resolved conflict. Leave us with stakes and even more conflict. Like "Kevin must do [x] or [x consequence] will happen.)

 

LOVE AND WAR is contemporary LGBT fiction complete at ____ words.  Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

I really enjoyed your characterization and voice. However, I think you need to end with stakes instead of a resoluton, and set up a bigger, badder conflict. Just beef up the negatives and struggles in the query, and end with stakes, and you'll have something really great.

 

Good luck!



#4 Aightball

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Posted 10 April 2018 - 08:21 AM

Thank you both!  Great suggestions and I will definitely take those into revisions.  I always struggle to make the stakes clear, so I will work on that as well =)


Most girls are made of
sugar and spice and everything nice; they
screwed up the recipe for me: I'm made of
bat wings and broken things.

Query: http://agentquerycon...3-love-and-war/

Blog: http://aightball.wordpress.com

Synopsis:

Twitter Hook(s):

Short Story "Anguish", in Winter's Regret: http://www.amazon.co...winter's regret

aertja.jpg


#5 jpfranco

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Posted 10 April 2018 - 10:39 AM

 Hello!  I've been gone a while and am back with a new book.  It's currently being ripped by my writer's group and I'm working on the query and a WIP both.  I've been struggling with the query because I've never written a romance novel (and as of now, I'm 99% sure that's what I wrote).  Any and all critiques are welcome!  I will critique back and plan to bop around the query forum, doing critiques as time permits =). 

 

***

 

Kevin Sorensen's in love and it's all Shakespeare's fault.  If he hadn't agreed to take over the fall play from the usual director he wouldn't have met Chad and his world wouldn't have been turned upside down.  And he wouldn't be having nearly as much fun.  I wouldn't start the sentence with and. Not in a query, at least.

 

There was something about Chad from the moment he Kevin saw him.  But don't start with but the two are light night and day: Chad's comfortable being open about his support of gay rights and Kevin's not. This sentence is clunky. Tighten it up. Also, they are in theater. who's uncomfortable with homosexuality in theater? lol Chad doesn't care about consequences, real or imagined, regarding who knows he's bi-sexual.  Kevin's convinced that if the wrong person finds out, he's out of a job.  And it doesn't help that Chad's folks are super cool with it and Kevin's parents are guarded in their acceptance.  His mother would rather he find a nice girl but begrudgingly accepts that he prefers men.

 

By the time the right to marry goes before the supreme court, Chad has brought Kevin mostly out of his shell. How? Marriage rallies, PRIDE parades, they all become the norm. Is all the social progress important to your story? Is it part of Kevin's progress? You could summarize it better (as society becomes more accepting, Kevin begins to peek out of the closet...)  And when the students at Kevin's high school ask him to be their administrative representative for a GSA, < I don't know what this is he realizes he needs to be a role model for them.  Finally, Kevin joins up fully into the local LGBTQ movement.  And when the marriage decision day finally arrives, he'll be able to celebrate in more ways than one!

 

LOVE AND WAR is contemporary LGBT fiction complete at ____ words.  Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

I find this interesting, since I always find human journeys interesting, but there are no clear stakes here. We know that there's a guy who likes another guy and he's uncomfortable with anyone knowing. Why would he lose his job? Is he Chad's teacher? I get the feeling he is, but you never state that here. If he's a teacher in love with a high school student, that's a whole other issue. We need to know more about that dynamic, the stakes, some more concrete conflict than just 'Kevin is uncomfortable.' A sentence or two of character development might help, too. Good luck! Keep at it!



#6 RosieSkye

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Posted 10 April 2018 - 12:55 PM

Hello!  I've been gone a while and am back with a new book.  It's currently being ripped by my writer's group and I'm working on the query and a WIP both.  I've been struggling with the query because I've never written a romance novel (and as of now, I'm 99% sure that's what I wrote).  Any and all critiques are welcome!  I will critique back and plan to bop around the query forum, doing critiques as time permits =). 

 

***

 

Kevin Sorensen's in love and it's all Shakespeare's fault.  If he hadn't agreed to take over the fall play from the usual director he wouldn't have met Chad and his world wouldn't have been turned upside down.  And he wouldn't be having nearly as much fun.  (I get that you want a catchy opening, but mentioning Shakespeare specifically and immediately makes me think your story will somehow be about Shakespeare or his works.  As is, it's a misdirect.  And saying that his being in love is someone's fault indicates that it's a bad thing, which runs contrary to your final sentence.  Also, is this a school play, community theater, professional, what?  How old is Kevin?)

 

There was something about Chad from the moment he Kevin saw him.  But the two are light ("like?") night and day: Chad's comfortable being open about his support of gay rights and Kevin's not.  Chad doesn't care about consequences, real or imagined, regarding who knows he's bi-sexual.  Kevin's convinced that if the wrong person finds out, he's out of a job. (Why would being gay/bi lose him a job in the theater of all places?)  And it doesn't help that Chad's folks are super cool with it and Kevin's parents are guarded in their acceptance.  His mother would rather he find a nice girl but begrudgingly accepts that he prefers men.  (This is basically one idea that you're taking a paragraph to say.  "Chad is open and comfortable with his sexuality, while Kevin is not."  That's really all you need for querying purposes.)

 

By the time the right to marry goes before the supreme court, Chad has brought Kevin mostly out of his shell. (This makes it feel like a number of months or years has passed, but it doesn't take that long to bring Kevin out of his shell, right?.  Try rewording.)  Marriage rallies, PRIDE parades, they all become the norm.  And when the students at Kevin's high school ask him to be their administrative representative for a GSA (what's a GSA?), he realizes he needs to be a role model for them.  Finally, Kevin joins up fully into the local LGBTQ movement.  And when the marriage decision day finally arrives, he'll be able to celebrate in more ways than one!  (Don't give away your ending.  Provide a cliffhanger and stakes.  What's on the line for Kevin?  "If ABC does/doesn't happen, then XYZ will/won't happen.)

 

LOVE AND WAR is contemporary LGBT fiction complete at ____ words.  Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

Okay, so Kevin WORKS at a high school.  It's imperative to mention that up front, because I couldn't understand why being gay might cost him a job in the theater.

 

Hope this helps.



#7 Aightball

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Posted 16 April 2018 - 11:09 PM

You guys are awesome!  I have revised and I think I covered as many of the suggestions as worked with my query.  I hope I've made things clearer here and fixed the massive typo!  Please let me know what you think and rip away!

 

***

 

Kevin Sorensen's in love and it's all Shakespeare's fault.  If he hadn't agreed to take over the fall play he wouldn't have met Chad and his world wouldn't have been turned upside down.  He also wouldn't be having nearly as much fun.

 

When Kevin first walked into Chad’s costume shop, he thought he was in the wrong place.  But the more he got to know Chad, the more he realized they had much in common.  Chad’s good looks didn’t hurt, either.    These two are light night and day: Chad's comfortable being open about both his support of gay rights and his sexuality while Kevin's not.  It doesn't help that Chad's folks are super cool with a gay son and Kevin's parents are guarded about his sexuality. 

 

In order for Chad to bring Kevin out of his shell, Chad takes him to his first marriage rally.  When the right ot marry goes before the supreme court, marriage rallieshave become the norm for Kevin.  When the students at Kevin's high school as him to be their administrative representative for a Gay-Straight Alliance, he realizes he needs to be a role model for them.  Being a high school English teacher, however, Kevin's convinced that if the wrong person finds out, he's out of a job.  He has to decide if getting deeply involved is worth the risk to his job or if his burgeoning love for Chad trumps everything.  

LOVE AND WAR is contemporary LGBT fiction complete at ____ words.  Thank you for your time and consideration.


Most girls are made of
sugar and spice and everything nice; they
screwed up the recipe for me: I'm made of
bat wings and broken things.

Query: http://agentquerycon...3-love-and-war/

Blog: http://aightball.wordpress.com

Synopsis:

Twitter Hook(s):

Short Story "Anguish", in Winter's Regret: http://www.amazon.co...winter's regret

aertja.jpg


#8 Bkrasnik

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Posted 16 April 2018 - 11:41 PM

You guys are awesome!  I have revised and I think I covered as many of the suggestions as worked with my query.  I hope I've made things clearer here and fixed the massive typo!  Please let me know what you think and rip away!

 

***

 

Kevin Sorensen's in love and it's all Shakespeare's fault.  If he hadn't agreed to take over the fall play he wouldn't have met Chad and his world wouldn't have been turned upside down.  He also wouldn't be having nearly as much fun.

 

When Kevin first walked into Chad’s costume shop, he thought he was in the wrong place.  But the more he got to know Chad, the more he realized they had much in common.  Chad’s good looks didn’t hurt, either.    These two are light night and day: Chad's comfortable being open about both his support of gay rights and his sexuality while Kevin's not.  It doesn't help that Chad's folks are super cool with a gay son and Kevin's parents are guarded about his sexuality. 

 

In order for Chad to bring Kevin out of his shell, Chad takes him to his first marriage rally.  When the right ot marry goes before the supreme court, marriage rallieshave become the norm for Kevin.  When the students at Kevin's high school as him to be their administrative representative for a Gay-Straight Alliance, he realizes he needs to be a role model for them.  Being a high school English teacher, however, Kevin's convinced that if the wrong person finds out, he's out of a job.  He has to decide if getting deeply involved is worth the risk to his job or if his burgeoning love for Chad trumps everything.  

LOVE AND WAR is contemporary LGBT fiction complete at ____ words.  Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

Kevin Sorensen's in love and it's all Shakespeare's fault.  If he hadn't agreed to take over the fall play he wouldn't have met Chad and his world wouldn't have been turned upside down (cliché).  He also wouldn't be having nearly as much fun. (You can’t rely on a gay relationship to make your book different than the rest out there. So far it’s a cliché hook and everything is just dandy with no stakes.) 

 

When Kevin first walked into Chad’s costume shop, he thought he was in the wrong place.  But the more he got to know Chad, the more he realized they had much in common.  Chad’s good looks didn’t hurt, either.    These two are light night and day: Chad's comfortable being open about both his support of gay rights and his sexuality while Kevin's not.  It doesn't help that Chad's folks are super cool with a gay son and Kevin's parents are guarded about his sexuality. (You are just stating generic information using wordy sentences. None of this adds value. For a romance book, you need strong character development and I don’t see any of that here.)

 

In order for Chad to bring Kevin out of his shell, Chad takes him to his first marriage rally.  When the right ot (typo) marry goes before the supreme court, marriage rallieshave (typo…) become the norm for Kevin.  When the students at Kevin's high school as (typo—you need to review your work before posting it.) him to be their administrative representative for a Gay-Straight Alliance, he realizes he needs to be a role model for them.  Being a high school English teacher, however, Kevin's convinced that if the wrong person finds out, he's out of a job.  He has to decide if getting deeply involved is worth the risk to his job or if his burgeoning love for Chad trumps everything.  

 

LOVE AND WAR is contemporary LGBT fiction complete at ____ words.  Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

This entire story is very generic. I suggest going back to the drawing board and finding a way to make it more unique, whether that be through voice, plot, or both. Good luck!


Have a moment to offer up some very much appreciated feedback? :)

My Young Adult Dystopian Query: http://agentquerycon...ate-on-post-15/


#9 RosieSkye

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Posted 17 April 2018 - 12:26 AM

You guys are awesome!  I have revised and I think I covered as many of the suggestions as worked with my query.  I hope I've made things clearer here and fixed the massive typo!  Please let me know what you think and rip away!

 

***

 

Kevin Sorensen's in love and it's all Shakespeare's fault.  If he hadn't agreed to take over the fall play he wouldn't have met Chad and his world wouldn't have been turned upside down.  He also wouldn't be having nearly as much fun. (You should introduce conflict here, not a guy having a fun time.)

 

When Kevin first walked into Chad’s costume shop, he thought he was in the wrong place. (Why? Did he think it wasn't a costume shop?)  But the more he got to know Chad, the more he realized they had much in common.  Chad’s good looks didn’t hurt, either.    These two are light night (this is the second time you've posted this - I don't know what "light night" is) and day: Chad's comfortable being open about both his support of gay rights and his sexuality while Kevin's not.  It doesn't help that Chad's folks are super cool with a gay son and Kevin's parents are guarded about his sexuality. (Looping the parents into it makes me question how old these guys are. You need to make it clear from the get-go exactly who Kevin is, and what he does for a living.)

 

In order for Chad to bring Kevin out of his shell, Chad takes him to his first marriage rally.  When the right ot to marry goes before the supreme court, marriage rallieshave (rallies have) become the norm for Kevin.  When the students at Kevin's high school ask (three typos in two sentences will mean an auto-reject for most agents) him to be their administrative representative for a Gay-Straight Alliance, he realizes he needs to be a role model for them.  Being a high school English teacher (present this fact at the very beginning), however, Kevin's convinced that if the wrong person finds out, he's out of a job.  He has to decide if getting deeply involved is worth the risk to his job or if his burgeoning love for Chad trumps everything.  

LOVE AND WAR is contemporary LGBT fiction complete at ____ words.  Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

I'd like to know a little more about Chad and what makes him so special.  Right now he kind of feels like a cardboard cutout of Mr. Perfect, but I don't have a good feel for him as a character.  And as I said above, you need to lay out who Kevin is and what he does for work immediately, so the reader can take in the ensuing action with that in mind.  Right now I'm at the very end of the query saying "Oh, he's a teacher?  I had no idea."

 

Hope this helps!



#10 Aightball

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Posted 17 April 2018 - 02:44 PM

Thank you both!  I do apologize for the typos...I thought I had them all cleared up before posting =(.  I will see if I can bring out more voice...I always struggle with that in the first drafts of queries.  If only I had a magic wand, eh? =)


Most girls are made of
sugar and spice and everything nice; they
screwed up the recipe for me: I'm made of
bat wings and broken things.

Query: http://agentquerycon...3-love-and-war/

Blog: http://aightball.wordpress.com

Synopsis:

Twitter Hook(s):

Short Story "Anguish", in Winter's Regret: http://www.amazon.co...winter's regret

aertja.jpg


#11 BetsyEm

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Posted 19 April 2018 - 09:15 PM

You guys are awesome!  I have revised and I think I covered as many of the suggestions as worked with my query.  I hope I've made things clearer here and fixed the massive typo!  Please let me know what you think and rip away!

 

***

 

Kevin Sorensen's in love and it's all Shakespeare's fault. Like everyone else, I'm really into this first line :) If he hadn't agreed to take over the fall play he wouldn't have met Chad and his world wouldn't have been turned upside down. Cliche He also wouldn't be having nearly as much fun. This opening paragraph feels a little thin to me. I want to know a little more about Kevin here. Is he lonely, is he looking for love, is he still heartbroken from an earlier relationship? How is he damaged, haha.

 

When Kevin first walked into Chad’s costume shop, he thought he was in the wrong place.  But the more he got to know Chad, the more he realized they had much in common.  Chad’s good looks didn’t hurt, either.  There are four spaces between these sentences.  These two are light night and day: Chad's comfortable being open about both his support of gay rights and his sexuality while Kevin's not.  It doesn't help that Chad's folks are super cool with a gay son and Kevin's parents are guarded about his sexuality. Totally agree that this is the important emotional crux of the story, so I of course want to know about this. However, I also want to know a little more about them and what makes them opposites other than how comfortable they feel in their sexuality. What makes them characters we love?

 

In order for Chad to bring Kevin out of his shell, Chad takes him to his first marriage rally.  When the right ot marry goes before the supreme court, marriage rallies have become the norm for Kevin.  When the students at Kevin's high school as him to be their administrative representative for a Gay-Straight Alliance, he realizes he needs to be a role model for them.  Being a high school English teacher, however, Kevin's convinced that if the wrong person finds out, he's out of a job. Does he live somewhere where this happens frequently? I know these are very real stakes, but I want to feel why - did this happen to someone he knows? Is the principal a biggot? He has to decide if getting deeply involved is worth the risk to his job or if his burgeoning love for Chad trumps everything. This phrasing is confusing here. It sounds like "is being involved in his school worth the risk OR does love trump everything" instead of "will he let his burgeoning love for Chad help bring him out of his shell enough to be there for his students, or will his fear of losing his job make him lose everything in his life." Also, I'd probably remove the word "trump" from this, just...because of the current political climate. If I'm an agent looking for a political feel good LGBT love story, I don't want the orange one's face in my mind. 

 

LOVE AND WAR is contemporary LGBT fiction complete at ____ words.  Thank you for your time and consideration.

I really liked this, and where it's going! The stakes are heavy and real, and I really like that. 

 

Two things right off the bat. First: edit your first post to let everyone know that you have a new edit available. I almost quoted the first one! Second, you can remove your double spaces. Double spacing came from the days when everyone used monospaced typewriters and is not what is considered proper formatting. They stick out to me immediately, and they will to an agent too. There was even a place with four spaces, and a spot with no spaces.  

 

I also agree with an above comment that it would be helpful to know he was a teacher earlier, to frame the situation better. I'd also think about your title. It sounds like your book is a very boring doorstop of a historical novel instead of a contemporary romance. I don't think you'd need to go totally fluffy or whimsical on it, but that is what strikes me immediately. It might also be nice to bring up the end of the query with a subtle Shakespeare reference or mention? You start with the play, and then it gets lost. 

 

Overall, I really like this! This story sounds like it's up my alley, and I can't wait to see it on shelves :)


Currently working on my query for The Great and Terrible Carter Dynasty


#12 Aightball

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Posted 21 April 2018 - 06:06 PM

I really liked this, and where it's going! The stakes are heavy and real, and I really like that. 

 

Two things right off the bat. First: edit your first post to let everyone know that you have a new edit available. I almost quoted the first one! Second, you can remove your double spaces. Double spacing came from the days when everyone used monospaced typewriters and is not what is considered proper formatting. They stick out to me immediately, and they will to an agent too. There was even a place with four spaces, and a spot with no spaces.  

 

I also agree with an above comment that it would be helpful to know he was a teacher earlier, to frame the situation better. I'd also think about your title. It sounds like your book is a very boring doorstop of a historical novel instead of a contemporary romance. I don't think you'd need to go totally fluffy or whimsical on it, but that is what strikes me immediately. It might also be nice to bring up the end of the query with a subtle Shakespeare reference or mention? You start with the play, and then it gets lost. 

 

Overall, I really like this! This story sounds like it's up my alley, and I can't wait to see it on shelves :)

 

Thank you!

 

I do apologize for forgetting to mark the new ones!  I will make sure to do that when I post my next revision. 

 

I'm glad you like the idea of the story!  I just had workshop today and my fellow writers gave me a long list of revisions which will strengthen the book, so I'm excited to dive into those =).  The two periods is a hard habit to break, haha...I'm from the typewriter generation and it was drilled and drilled and drilled.  But I've managed in my books to break that habit, but not the more formal query. 

 

Be looking for a revision tonight!  I've taken into consideration the feedback here and the feedback from workshop and have changed the direction of the book slightly. 


Most girls are made of
sugar and spice and everything nice; they
screwed up the recipe for me: I'm made of
bat wings and broken things.

Query: http://agentquerycon...3-love-and-war/

Blog: http://aightball.wordpress.com

Synopsis:

Twitter Hook(s):

Short Story "Anguish", in Winter's Regret: http://www.amazon.co...winter's regret

aertja.jpg


#13 Aightball

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Posted 21 April 2018 - 06:57 PM

UPDATED QUERY.  This takes into account suggestions here and today's work with the writer's workshop I'm in...they really gave me some good stuff so I'm heading into revisions on the book soon based on today's session.  Thoughts?

 

***

 

Kevin Sorenson’s in love and it’s all Shakespeare’s fault.  Kevin’s an English teacher at a Catholic high school in Omaha, Nebraska, and if he hadn’t been asked to take over the fall play, he’d have never met Chad, who runs the costume shop in the Old Market.

 

Where Chad is open about being gay, Kevin is reserved.  Being a devoted Catholic, Kevin is careful who knows he’s gay.  But Chad’s confidence is attractive and the two quickly become friends.  When Kevin realizes he feels more for Chad than friendship, he keeps his feelings buried. Chad finally confesses that he’s in love and Kevin finds himself struggling between his faith and his love for Chad.  He knows the rules at work and if he’s caught with Chad romantically, he’s out of a job.

 

Faced with the possibility of losing Chad, Kevin has to decide what’s more important: his faith or being who he really is.  It’s a decision that has consequences and Kevin’s not sure he’s prepared to face any of them.

 

Love and War is a contemporary LGBTQ romance complete at ____ words.  Thank you for your time and consideration.   


Most girls are made of
sugar and spice and everything nice; they
screwed up the recipe for me: I'm made of
bat wings and broken things.

Query: http://agentquerycon...3-love-and-war/

Blog: http://aightball.wordpress.com

Synopsis:

Twitter Hook(s):

Short Story "Anguish", in Winter's Regret: http://www.amazon.co...winter's regret

aertja.jpg


#14 RosieSkye

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Posted 21 April 2018 - 10:08 PM

UPDATED QUERY.  This takes into account suggestions here and today's work with the writer's workshop I'm in...they really gave me some good stuff so I'm heading into revisions on the book soon based on today's session.  Thoughts?

 

***

 

Kevin Sorenson’s in love and it’s all Shakespeare’s fault.  Kevin’s an English teacher at a Catholic high school in Omaha, Nebraska, and if he hadn’t been asked to take over the fall play, he’d have never met Chad, who runs the costume shop in the Old Market.

 

Where Chad is open about being gay, Kevin is reserved.  Being a devoted Catholic, Kevin is careful who knows he’s gay.  But Chad’s confidence is attractive and the two quickly become friends.  When Kevin realizes he feels more for Chad than friendship, he keeps his feelings buried. Chad finally confesses that he’s in love and Kevin finds himself struggling between his faith and his love for Chad.  He knows the rules at work and if he’s caught with Chad romantically, he’s out of a job.

 

Faced with the possibility of losing Chad, Kevin has to decide what’s more important: his faith or being who he really is.  It’s a decision that has consequences and Kevin’s not sure he’s prepared to face any of them.

 

Love and War is a contemporary LGBTQ romance complete at ____ words.  Thank you for your time and consideration.   

 

 

You've succeeded in getting your plot, characters and stakes across clearly (although I'm unclear whether the primary struggle for Kevin is going against his faith or losing his job.)  In any event, I have a good feel for your story.  The problem now is, aside from your first sentence, this is utterly lacking in any sort of style, color or voice.  It feels like a book report written by somebody who wasn't that interested in the book.  

 

You have the structure and essential plot points established.  Now it's time to decorate. :)



#15 Aightball

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Posted 21 April 2018 - 11:02 PM

You've succeeded in getting your plot, characters and stakes across clearly (although I'm unclear whether the primary struggle for Kevin is going against his faith or losing his job.)  In any event, I have a good feel for your story.  The problem now is, aside from your first sentence, this is utterly lacking in any sort of style, color or voice.  It feels like a book report written by somebody who wasn't that interested in the book.  

 

You have the structure and essential plot points established.  Now it's time to decorate. :)

 

Queries are certainly a challenge aren't they?  I'm glad we're getting somewhere, though, and I will definitely work on decorating and bringing the voice back when I do the next revision in a few days.  Thank you!


Most girls are made of
sugar and spice and everything nice; they
screwed up the recipe for me: I'm made of
bat wings and broken things.

Query: http://agentquerycon...3-love-and-war/

Blog: http://aightball.wordpress.com

Synopsis:

Twitter Hook(s):

Short Story "Anguish", in Winter's Regret: http://www.amazon.co...winter's regret

aertja.jpg


#16 Oldborne

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Posted 22 April 2018 - 04:48 AM

UPDATED QUERY.  This takes into account suggestions here and today's work with the writer's workshop I'm in...they really gave me some good stuff so I'm heading into revisions on the book soon based on today's session.  Thoughts?

 

***

 

Kevin Sorenson’s in love and it’s all Shakespeare’s fault.  Kevin’s an English teacher at a Catholic high school in Omaha, Nebraska, and if he hadn’t been asked to take over the fall play, he’d have never met Chad, who runs the costume shop in the Old Market. Pretty good opening. Consider naming the specific play he's taking over just to really nail down that Shakespeare hook. 

 

Where Chad is open about being gay, Kevin is reserved.  Being a devoted Catholic, Kevin is careful who knows he’s gay.  But Chad’s confidence is attractive and the two quickly become friends.  When Kevin realizes he feels more for Chad than friendship, he keeps his feelings buried. Chad finally confesses that he’s in love and Kevin finds himself struggling between his faith and his lovefeelings 'love' sounded repetitive for Chad.  He knows the rules at work and if he’s caught with Chad romantically, he’s out of a job. Out of a job because it's a Catholic school and being gay is a no-no or because relationships between co-workers are frowned upon? That said, is Chad anything to do with the school? For me, if Chad's not connected to the school somehow the stakes seem smaller.  

 

Faced with the possibility of losing Chad, Kevin has to decide what’s more important: his faith perhaps mentioned his career as well as his faith? Teaching isn't typically something people fall into accidentally (I know some do, but I'm assuming Kevin enjoys his job?) and I'd say compromising a career for romantic love is a super tough choice, too. Worth mentioning in my opinion.  or being who he really is true to himself.  It’s a decision that has consequences and Kevin’s not sure he’s prepared to face any of them. Unsure of this last line. It doesn't say anything we don't already know. 

 

Love and War is a contemporary LGBTQ romance complete at ____ words.  Thank you for your time and consideration.   

Overall a decent query, if not a bit terse in the second paragraph. I'd consider—on top of my in-body suggestions—injecting a bit more voice into the query. At the moment it mostly feels like a play-by-play of what happens with no real insight into who Kevin is as the protagonist. I wanna see more of the conflict he must be feeling, the pressures of love and faith. 

Best of luck with this. Hope I've helped. 

 


All feedback appreciated: http://agentquerycon...ust-sf-mystery/

 


#17 cmmg

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Posted 22 April 2018 - 09:19 AM

UPDATED QUERY.  This takes into account suggestions here and today's work with the writer's workshop I'm in...they really gave me some good stuff so I'm heading into revisions on the book soon based on today's session.  Thoughts?

 

***

 

Kevin Sorenson’s in love and it’s all Shakespeare’s fault.  Kevin’s an English teacher at a Catholic high school in Omaha, Nebraska, and if he hadn’t been asked to take over the fall play, he’d have never met Chad, who runs the costume shop in the Old Market.

 

Where Chad is open about being gay, Kevin is reserved.  Being a devoted Catholic, Kevin is careful who knows he’s gay. (Repeating gay twice here is repetitive.)  But Chad’s confidence is attractive and the two quickly become friends.  When Kevin realizes he feels more for Chad than friendship, he keeps his feelings buried. Chad finally confesses that he’s in love and Kevin finds himself struggling between his faith and his love for Chad. (these last two sentences read dull and devoid of personality. For one thing, there's no link verbally between Kevin burying his feelings and then Chad confesses. Why is it finally? This seems more like a list. Plus the last sentence is just very bland and matter of fact, especially when talking about love. )  He knows the rules at work and if he’s caught with Chad romantically, he’s out of a job. (I like that this gives more clear external stakes)

 

Faced with the possibility of losing Chad, Kevin has to decide what’s more important: his faith or being who he really is.  It’s a decision that has with (Less wordy) consequences and Kevin’s not sure he’s prepared to face any of them.

 

Love and War is a contemporary LGBTQ romance complete at ____ words.  Thank you for your time and consideration.   

 

I feel like you have the right sentiments but you're really lacking a good, engaging voice. It seems very bare-bones and stripped back without much personality. If you punch this up, add some tone, I think this would be much improved.


_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

synopsis


#18 galian84

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Posted 22 April 2018 - 08:13 PM

UPDATED QUERY.  This takes into account suggestions here and today's work with the writer's workshop I'm in...they really gave me some good stuff so I'm heading into revisions on the book soon based on today's session.  Thoughts?

 

***

 

Kevin Sorenson’s in love and it’s all Shakespeare’s fault (This is cute. I like this!). Kevin’s an English teacher at a Catholic high school in Omaha, Nebraska, and if he hadn’t been asked to take over the fall play, he’d have never met Chad, who runs the costume shop in the Old Market.

 

Where Chad is open about being gay, Kevin is reserved.  Being a devoted Catholic, Kevin is careful who knows he’s gay (Hm, you mentioned the word 'gay' twice in two successive sentences. Maybe change it to something 'sexual orientation', or something like that). But Chad’s confidence is attractive and the two quickly become friends. When Kevin realizes he feels more for Chad than friendship, he keeps his feelings buried. (I feel like these two sentences could be combined. Chad's confidence is attractive, and Kevin finds himself falling for him...etc) Chad finally confesses that he’s in love and Kevin finds himself struggling between his faith and his love for Chad.  He knows the rules at work and if he’s caught with Chad romantically, he’s out of a job.

 

Faced with the possibility of losing Chad, Kevin has to decide what’s more important: his faith or being who he really is.  It’s a decision that has consequences and Kevin’s not sure he’s prepared to face any of them. (Okay, I understand this)

 

Love and War is a contemporary LGBTQ romance complete at ____ words.  Thank you for your time and consideration.   

 

 

(Okay, I don't know what I accidentally hit to delete the whole quotation thing) Hi there. Fresh eyes! So, overall, it's concise and I understand what's going on. But something about it isn't grabbing me the way I want it to...and I think the other posters above me nailed it. While it has all the components of a query, it all feels very tell-y. Your first version definitely had more voice and made it sound like the fun read that I'm assuming it is. If there is a way you could combine the voice in the first version, with the necessary info you've presented in your newest revision, I think you'll be on your way. 

 

Good luck! I would read this story, it sounds like a light, fun read. 



#19 Tree

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Posted 12 June 2018 - 11:48 AM

UPDATED QUERY.  This takes into account suggestions here and today's work with the writer's workshop I'm in...they really gave me some good stuff so I'm heading into revisions on the book soon based on today's session.  Thoughts?

 

***

Agree with the comments above to get some voice into it. Your first line has it, so I feel pretty sure you can inject it into the rest.

 

Also ... are you married to the name Chad? Might be just me but certain misogynistic types use it in a nasty way & it provokes a negative reaction in me. I only mention it in case there are others who have a reaction like mine.

 

Kevin Sorenson’s in love and it’s all Shakespeare’s fault.  awesome, love it Kevin’s an English teacher at a Catholic high school in Omaha, Nebraska, and if he hadn’t been asked to take over the fall play, he’d have never met Chad, who runs the costume shop in the Old Market.

 

Where Chad is open about being gay, Kevin is reserved.  Being a devoted Catholic, Kevin is careful who knows he’s gay. agree with others who mentioned this is repetitive  But Chad’s confidence is attractive and the two quickly become friends.  When Kevin realizes he feels more for Chad than friendship, he keeps his feelings buried. Chad finally confesses that he’s in love and Kevin finds himself struggling between his faith and his love for Chad.  He knows the rules at work and if he’s caught with Chad romantically, he’s out of a job. 

 

Faced with the possibility of losing Chad, Kevin has to decide what’s more important: his faith or being who he really is.  It’s a decision that has consequences too vague ... and you've already outline the possibility of losing his job. I'm sure there are other consequences too ... specificity is your friend  and Kevin’s not sure he’s prepared to face any of them. 

 

Love and War is a contemporary LGBTQ romance complete at ____ words.  Thank you for your time and consideration.   

 



#20 NicoleLeigh

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Posted 13 June 2018 - 02:31 PM

I actually like this a lot. I think it's voice-y enough without being unclear.

 

The only suggestion I'd have is to reword the last paragraph, specifically "It’s a decision that has consequences and Kevin’s not sure he’s prepared to face any of them." I'm assuming the consequences are those you mentioned earlier in the letter (e.g., not being with Chad, betraying his faith, losing his job), but from the wording, I'm not sure whether you actually mean some additional consequences as well. I'd reword it somehow to make it very clear exactly what consequences he can't face, as confusion is a Very Bad Thing in queries (so I hear, anyway).

 

With that said, if the consequences really are not being with Chad, betraying his faith, and/or losing his job, I think you should spice them up a little or at very least make them more specific. Particularly the first two (not being with Chad and betraying his faith), it doesn't seem like there's a ton at stake. Like, so what if he betrays his faith? Why is that a big deal? Now, if his entire community would disown him for betraying faith, that'd be more interesting. The losing the job thing is good because it's specific, but I think even this could be better if you raise the stakes. Like, why is it such a big deal if he loses his job? Is there no way for him to get a new one? Is it his dream job? Help the reader see why it'd be so terrible if that happened.

 

Basically, I think this would be stronger if you more clearly set out the stakes and raise them if at all possible.

 

I really do think this is good, though! One of the better ones I've seen on here for sure. :)







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