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Tangled Threads (Fantasy Epic) Update in #74 - Will crit back

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#21 BrookeJS

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Posted 16 April 2018 - 10:41 PM

Holy cow!  If I were an agent, I'd be requesting the full on this one, no joke!  I can't see anything I'd change.  Others may feel otherwise, but I feel this is ready

 

Well thank you very much! =)


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#22 BrookeJS

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Posted 18 April 2018 - 03:14 PM

Okay, reposting and bumping for attention. I noticed a mistake I made, I repeated the phrase "great power" twice. I have a few options. The one below I exchanged the line in the final paragraph to "wanting its power for themselves", referring to the stone. I can remove the phrase after the line in which she is told she is the "Feyling" or just delete it altogether after the line that people are now chasing after her. Feedback appreciated!!

 

 

 

The Feyling is a creature of myth and legend. Folk claim that, long ago, the Feyling bartered her soul, and her lover, for the power to seal away unimaginable evil. The tale has always been just that – a story – an analogy for the goddesses love for the world.

 

That is until Keirann accidentally releases a mystical stone from an ancient shrine. Engulfed in a blaze of light, a voice sounds in her head – declaring her Feyling, bearer of great power and promising to aid her in defeating coming catastrophe. Witnesses of the event begin spreading word of the old prophesy. It doesn’t help that Keirann is one of eight candidates to become High Priestess of the Faith.

 

Two fates converge and Keirann, feeling suffocated and afraid, decides to run away. She never wanted the role of High Priestess, let alone the mantle of Feyling. She doesn’t believe in the goddess and she certainly doesn’t believe in ancient myths. The Faith has only ever caused her pain and loss, taking and abusing where it will. She would rather spend her days hunting, experimenting with herbal remedies, and carousing with local soldiers. Keirann decides she will forge her own destiny, regardless of the machinations of those closest to her.

 

Soon, however, agents of calamity and war begin to come for her and the stone – wanting its power for themselves. Keirann flees her twin destinies but she swiftly learns her choices have deadly consequences. Now Keirann must choose: sacrifice her freedom or continue forward, putting at risk all she left behind.


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#23 mkuriel

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Posted 18 April 2018 - 06:58 PM

The Feyling is a creature of myth and legend. [this first sentence ends rather abruptly and doesn't offer anything that suggests why a Feyling is different from a chimera or a dragon. Suggest: The Feyling is a mythical creature who always saves the Faithful from catastrophe.] Folk claim that, long ago, the Feyling bartered her soul, and her lover, for the power to seal away unimaginable evil. The tale has always been just that – a story – an analogy for the goddess' love for the world.

 

That is until Keirann accidentally releases a mystical stone from an ancient shrine. Engulfed in a blaze of light, a voice sounds in her head – declaring her Feyling, bearer of great power and promising to aid her in defeating coming catastrophe. Witnesses [contradiction. How do other people witness the declaration of a mental voice? All they'd see is a blaze of light. And grammatically, the previous sentence says that a mental voice was engulfed in light. It's funny, that sentence didn't bother me when I read it the first time but the more I read it, the more I realize how all over the place it is. I'm certain that you mean: While light from the stone blinds her, a voice declares her Feyling. Then the stupid thing talks in her head, refusing to shut up about how it's going to help her avert some "impending catastrophe." (admittedly, I'm taking some liberties with Keirann's voice)] of the event  begin [wordy, redundant] spreading word of the old prophesy. It doesn’t help that Keirann is one of eight candidates to become High Priestess of the Faith.

 

Two fates converge and Keirann, feeling suffocated and afraid, decides to run away. She never wanted the role of High Priestess, let alone the mantle of Feyling. She doesn’t believe in the goddess and she certainly doesn’t believe in ancient myths. The Faith has only ever caused her pain and loss, taking and abusing where it will. She would rather spend her days hunting, experimenting with herbal remedies, and carousing with local soldiers. Keirann decides she will forge her own destiny, regardless of the machinations of those closest to her. [Does she only decide, or does she do something? I.e. After deciding to forge her own destiny, Keirann flees the Temple, living as a traveling herbalist.]

 

Soon, however, agents of calamity and war begin to come for her and the stone – wanting its power for themselves. Keirann flees her twin destinies but she swiftly learns her choices have deadly consequences. Now Keirann must choose: sacrifice her freedom or continue forward, putting at risk all she left behind. [The second sentence doesn't deliver anything concrete; my trouble with this last paragraph is that I've no idea what "continuing forward" means, only a vague idea of what she's putting at risk, and can only guess what the agents have to do with it all. Suggest painting a picture: After witnessing an agent of calamity beat a woman senseless after she fails to hand over the mystical stone, Keriann faces a choice: return to the Faithful, succumb to prophesy, or live freely on her own terms and risk handing unimaginable power to ruthless killers.]

 

It's getting there, well done!

 

I accept all feedback: http://agentquerycon...2-red-initiate/



#24 Raichu

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Posted 20 April 2018 - 05:20 AM

​Okay, reposting and bumping for attention. I noticed a mistake I made, I repeated the phrase "great power" twice. I have a few options. The one below I exchanged the line in the final paragraph to "wanting its power for themselves", referring to the stone. I can remove the phrase after the line in which she is told she is the "Feyling" or just delete it altogether after the line that people are now chasing after her. Feedback appreciated!!

 

 

 

The Feyling is a creature of myth and legend. Folk claim that, long ago, the Feyling bartered her soul, and her lover, for the power to seal away unimaginable evil. The tale has always been just that – a story – an analogy for the goddesses love for the world. (Nice hook)

 

That is until Keirann accidentally releases a mystical stone from an ancient shrine. Engulfed in a blaze of light, a voice sounds in her head – declaring her Feyling, bearer of great power and promising to aid her in defeating coming catastrophe. Witnesses of the event begin spreading word of the old prophesy. It doesn’t help that Keirann is one of eight candidates to become High Priestess of the Faith. (This last sentence confused me a little. I think you should merge this with the next paragraph. It would mess up your "Two fates converge"-sentence, but to me it would make more sense when we know she feels suffocated by the role. Or consider rephrasing it to work better with the previous sentence.)

 

Two fates converge and Keirann, feeling suffocated and afraid, decides to run away. She never wanted the role of High Priestess (as one of eight candidates, I can't see it being a problem if she runs away. High Priestess sounds like a high honor, and the others will likely cherish the chance), let alone the mantle of Feyling. She doesn’t believe in the goddess and she certainly doesn’t believe in ancient myths. The Faith has only ever caused her pain and loss, taking and abusing where it will. She would rather spend her days hunting, experimenting with herbal remedies, and carousing with local soldiers. (I like this) Keirann decides she will forge her own destiny, regardless of the machinations of those closest to her. (this last sentence seems a bit vague to me)

 

Soon, however, agents of calamity and war begin to come for her and the stone – wanting its power for themselves. Keirann flees her twin destinies but she swiftly learns her choices have deadly consequences. Now Keirann must choose: sacrifice her freedom or continue forward, putting at risk all she left behind.

Hi!
I added a few comments above on the few sentences that stood out to me, but it's really minor stuff. This query does what it's supposed to and I feel there is little I can add to it. The stakes are clear and Kierann's emotions are easy to understand. The one thing I'd like to point out is the part about her being successor to the role of high priestess. I read in an earlier version that she is the one that is meant to be high priestess, but in this query it reads as if she's only one of eight. In my opinion, "the twin fates", "two fates converge" fall a little flat when it is not clear that it really is two fates. 

Overall, this is a great query and I really like the voice of it. A few tweaks and I think you're there :-)

Hope this is of any help to you :-)



#25 BrookeJS

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Posted 20 April 2018 - 02:57 PM

Hi!
I added a few comments above on the few sentences that stood out to me, but it's really minor stuff. This query does what it's supposed to and I feel there is little I can add to it. The stakes are clear and Kierann's emotions are easy to understand. The one thing I'd like to point out is the part about her being successor to the role of high priestess. I read in an earlier version that she is the one that is meant to be high priestess, but in this query it reads as if she's only one of eight. In my opinion, "the twin fates", "two fates converge" fall a little flat when it is not clear that it really is two fates. 

Overall, this is a great query and I really like the voice of it. A few tweaks and I think you're there :-)

Hope this is of any help to you :-)

 

Hi Raichu, thank you for commenting! I appreciate you pointing out why it was that the "two fates" comment was confusing to you. I've been asking and so far no one had really specified. The issue with your concerns regarding her being "one of eight" was initially explained in one of my first queries. She is one of eight, but these eight are part of a bloodline, even if they don't become Ouala (High Priestess) they are forced to marry and continue the bloodline. So that ties in with an ultimatum Keirann receives from her father. I was told that it was too much going on. In an effort to narrow down and focus on one of the main plots I tried to find a way to still impart that Keirann is being forced into something she doesn't want without being overly wordy and dumping a whole ton of information onto someone. If I write it as "she is the or a successor" then I worry that it may be too misleading. 

 

If anyone has any suggestions they may see to work around that, I am open to suggestions but where I'm currently at I'm not able to see a solution. Thank you again for your comments!


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#26 A. Wass

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Posted 20 April 2018 - 03:23 PM

 

 

The Feyling is a creature of myth and legend. Folk claim that, long ago, the Feyling bartered her soul, and her lover, for the power to seal away unimaginable evil. The tale has always been just that – a story – an analogy for the goddesses love for the world. I'm not sure if I like this or not. It seems...idk...telly? cliché? Idk what. It's not bad, I just feel like it could be better.

 

That is until Keirann accidentally releases a mystical stone from an ancient shrine. Engulfed in a blaze of light, a voice sounds in her head – declaring her Feyling, bearer of great power and promising to aid her in defeating coming catastrophe. Witnesses of the event begin spreading word of the old prophesy. It doesn’t help that Keirann is one of eight candidates to become High Priestess of the Faith. I would like a tiny bit more info on what High Priestess of the Faith is and what it means to Keirann.

 

Two(Keirann's and who else??) fates converge and Keirann, feeling suffocated and afraid, decides to run away. She never wanted the role of High Priestess (there it is! If she doesn't want it, why is she a candidate?), let alone the mantle of Feyling. She doesn’t believe in the goddess and she certainly doesn’t believe in ancient myths. The Faith has only ever caused her pain and loss (I like this), taking and abusing where it will. She would rather spend her days hunting, experimenting with herbal remedies, and carousing with local soldiers. Keirann decides she will forge her own destiny, regardless of the machinations of those closest to her.

 

Soon, however, agents(this is vague and doesn't pain a "bad guy" for me) of calamity and war begin to come for her and the stone – wanting its power for themselves. Keirann flees her twin (again, the reference to "two" confuses me) destinies but she swiftly learns her choices have deadly consequences. Now Keirann must choose: sacrifice her freedom or continue forward, putting at risk all she left behind.

 

Mostly, I think it's too vague. It starts off good and unique, and quickly gets nondescript to the point I'm not 100% clear on the issue/stakes.

 

Take what you will from my critique, since I'm struggling to no end on my own stupid query at the moment haha.



#27 BrookeJS

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Posted 21 April 2018 - 01:05 AM

Thank you A. Wass for your critique. I'm trying to pay attention to what everyone is saying and incorporate it where I can. At the same time I'm trying to remain true to my voice and stick with what my gut tells me too. 

 

​I'm confused by why everyone is confused by the "two fates" line. I've said before it's her future as Ouala (High Priestess) and Feyling. So, I've tried to clear that up as best I can in this new version. My concern now is everyone is going to say it's too much information lol. So, I guess we will see. 

 

​If someone happens to see an issue and perhaps has an example to further explain their concern that would be really helpful to me so I can get a different perspective on this. Thank you again for all the help!

 

 

 

 

The Feyling is a creature of myth and legend. Folk claim that, long ago, the Feyling bartered her soul, and her lover, for the power to seal away unimaginable evil. The tale has always been just that, a story. That is until Keirann accidentally releases a mystical stone from an ancient shrine.

 

Engulfed in a blaze of light, a voice from the stone sounds in her head – declaring her Feyling, bearer of great power and promising to aid her in defeating coming catastrophe. The legend surrounding the shrine is well known and folk who witness the event believe Keirann to be a chosen champion of the goddess Illyia. It doesn’t help that Keirann is one of eight candidates to become Ouala, High Priestess of the Faith. With the unwelcome return of her father, Keirann is reminded she must succeed as Ouala or be married off to continue her family’s magical lineage. Ouala, Feyling, for Keirann it is all too much.

 

The two fates converge and Keirann, feeling suffocated and afraid, decides to run away. She never wanted the role of Ouala, let alone the mantle of Feyling. She doesn’t believe in the goddess and she certainly doesn’t believe in ancient myths. The Faith has only ever caused her pain and loss, taking and abusing where it will. She would rather spend her days hunting, experimenting with herbal remedies, and carousing with local soldiers. Keirann decides she will forge her own destiny, regardless of the machinations of her family.

 

Soon, however, violent mercenaries begin to come for her and the stone – wanting its power for themselves. Keirann flees her twin destinies but she swiftly learns her choices have deadly consequences. Now Keirann must choose: sacrifice her freedom or continue forward, putting at risk all she left behind.


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#28 Oldborne

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Posted 21 April 2018 - 03:25 AM

​Thank you A. Wass for your critique. I'm trying to pay attention to what everyone is saying and incorporate it where I can. At the same time I'm trying to remain true to my voice and stick with what my gut tells me too. 

 

​I'm confused by why everyone is confused by the "two fates" line. I've said before it's her future as Ouala (High Priestess) and Feyling. So, I've tried to clear that up as best I can in this new version. My concern now is everyone is going to say it's too much information lol. So, I guess we will see. 

 

​If someone happens to see an issue and perhaps has an example to further explain their concern that would be really helpful to me so I can get a different perspective on this. Thank you again for all the help!

 

 

 

 

The Feyling is a creature of myth and legend. Folk claim that, long ago, the Feyling bartered her soul, and her lover, for the power to seal away unimaginable evil. The tale has always been just that, a story. That is until Keirann accidentally releases a mystical stone from an ancient shrine. Explaining what a Feyling is, is good idea but I think this paragraph should go a little more like this: When High Priestess in training Keirann accidentally releases a mystical stone she is declared Feyling, a creature of myth and legend. The Feyling is said to have bartered her soul and her lover for the power to seal way unimaginable evil. But Keirann's religion, the Faith, denies the existence of the Feyling...etc Or something along those lines. This way we're getting background and story simultaneously.  

 

Engulfed in a blaze of light, a voice from the stone sounds in her head – declaring her Feyling, bearer of great power and promising to aid her in defeating coming catastrophe. The legend surrounding the shrine is well known and folk who witness the event believe Keirann to be a chosen champion of the goddess Illyia Unnecessarily specific for the query. It doesn’t help that Keirann is one of eight candidates to become Ouala, High Priestess of the Faith. With the unwelcome return of her father, Keirann is reminded she must succeed as Ouala or be married off to continue her family’s magical lineage Good friction here but perhaps forgo mentioning that her father's returned because that mostly just makes us wonder where he's been. Maybe something like: If she doesn't become Ouala, Keirann's emotionless father will marry her off to the highest bidder But in your own words. I don't even think you need the magical lineage point to be honest. . Ouala, Feyling, for Keirann it is all too much.

 

The two fates converge and Keirann, feeling suffocated and afraid, decides to run away flees. She never wanted the role of Ouala, let alone the mantle of Feyling. She doesn’t believe in the goddess and she certainly doesn’t believe in ancient myths. The Faith has only ever caused her pain and loss, taking and abusing where it will. She would rather spend her days hunting, experimenting with herbal remedies, and carousing with local soldiers So I have liked this line in the past but it's out of place here now given context. You built the idea that she's left because she's conflicted morally, ideologically, and the pressure is too much. I feel like saying she just wants to do drugs and get wasted with soldiers undermines her character. It worked in the past because it came earlier and the stakes weren't so set.. Keirann decides she will forge her own destiny, regardless of the machinations of her family her societal obligationsJust a suggestion because it sounds like more than just her family are pressuring her. She has the Faith, the stone, and the people who think she's that champion. 

 

Soon, however, violent redundant, mercenaries are violent by default mercenaries begin to come for her and the stone – wanting its power for themselves. Keirann flees her twin destinies but she swiftly learns her choices have deadly consequences. Now Keirann must choose: sacrifice her freedom or continue forward, putting at risk all she left behind. This is still rather vague here. What are the deadly consequences? Why exactly must she choose?

A lot better than the last draft I read -- you're certainly getting close! Sorry if it looks like I've torn it to shreds, I was trying to expand on my comments as per your request for examples. Mostly, I think you need to start with Keirann at the beginning but weave it into the description of the Feyling. At the end you need to get rid of the vagueness surrounding your stakes and give us very clear cause and effect: 

If X happens, X will happen. 
If Keirann doesn't X, X

 

It doesn't have to be as simple as that, but it'll give you something to build on.

Hope this helps, you're getting there bit by bit! 


 


All feedback appreciated: http://agentquerycon...ust-sf-mystery/

 


#29 Bkrasnik

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Posted 21 April 2018 - 08:10 PM

​Thank you A. Wass for your critique. I'm trying to pay attention to what everyone is saying and incorporate it where I can. At the same time I'm trying to remain true to my voice and stick with what my gut tells me too. 

 

​I'm confused by why everyone is confused by the "two fates" line. I've said before it's her future as Ouala (High Priestess) and Feyling. So, I've tried to clear that up as best I can in this new version. My concern now is everyone is going to say it's too much information lol. So, I guess we will see. 

 

​If someone happens to see an issue and perhaps has an example to further explain their concern that would be really helpful to me so I can get a different perspective on this. Thank you again for all the help!

 

 

 

 

The Feyling is a creature of myth and legend. Folk claim that, long ago, the Feyling bartered her soul,(if you are trying to say she exchanged her soul and her lover to seal away the evil, I suggest deleting the comma to make it flow better) and her lover, for the power to seal away unimaginable evil. The tale has always been just that, a story. That is until Keirann accidentally releases a mystical stone from an ancient shrine.

 

Engulfed in a blaze of light, a voice from the stone sounds in her head – declaring her Feyling, bearer of great power and promising to aid her in defeating coming catastrophe. The legend surrounding the shrine is well known and folk who witness the event believe Keirann to be a chosen champion of the goddess Illyia. It doesn’t help that Keirann is one of eight candidates to become Ouala, High Priestess of the Faith. With the unwelcome return of her father, Keirann is reminded she must succeed as Ouala or be married off to continue her family’s magical lineage. Ouala, Feyling, for Keirann it is all too much. (I know that in Fantasy there are a lot of new names for all sorts of things, but introducing too many of them is a bad idea because it gets confusing very quickly and the reader loses sight of the storyline. Try to introduce only the most important Fantasy elements, the ones that are crucial to the main plot. For example, I think you need to delete the part about the goddess Illyia and instead clarify what it means to be a chosen champion.)

 

The two fates converge (I don't like "converge" here.) and Keirann, feeling suffocated and afraid, decides to run away. She never wanted the role of Ouala, let alone the mantle of Feyling. She doesn’t believe in the goddess and she certainly doesn’t believe in ancient myths. The Faith has only ever caused her pain and loss, taking and abusing where it will. She would rather spend her days hunting, experimenting with herbal remedies, and carousing with local soldiers.(this is a distraction). Keirann decides she will forge her own destiny, regardless of the machinations of her family.

 

Soon, however, violent mercenaries begin to come for her and the stone – wanting its power for themselves. Keirann flees her twin destinies but she swiftly learns her choices have deadly consequences. Now Keirann must choose: sacrifice her freedom or continue forward, putting at risk all she left behind.

 

The introduction of too many fantasy elements and all the fine details of this world are bogging down your query to the point where I am distracted from the storyline. I think you need to do some cleanup here. Your storyline is decent, but I think you can make it a lot better by focusing less on how she has two fates and feels compelled to run away, and more on what happens after that. Like what are these deadly consequences? I want a taste of that, so I can see you have high stakes.  


Have a moment to offer up some very much appreciated feedback? :)

My Young Adult Dystopian Query: http://agentquerycon...ate-on-post-15/


#30 galian84

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Posted 21 April 2018 - 09:49 PM

The Feyling is a creature of myth and legend. Folk claim that, long ago, the Feyling bartered her soul, and her lover, for the power to seal away unimaginable evil. The tale has always been just that, a story. That is until Keirann  accidentally releases a mystical stone from an ancient shrine. (Oldborne above me gave you some good advice on changing this line. As it stands right now, it falls a little flat for me...would help to introduce Keirann first, and then weave in the backstory)

 

Engulfed in a blaze of light, a voice from the stone sounds in her head – declaring her Feyling, bearer of great power and promising to aid her in defeating coming catastrophe (cool concept, but vague. What kind of catastrophe? It would punch up the query if you were more specific). The legend surrounding the shrine is well known and folk who witness the event believe Keirann to be a chosen champion of the goddess Illyia(Goddess' name is irrelevant, here. She's not mentioned again) It doesn’t help that Keirann is one of eight candidates to become Ouala, High Priestess of the Faith (no need to mention Ouala, IMHO. Just saying High Priestess is enough information for query purposes). With the unwelcome return of her father (from where?), Keirann is reminded she must succeed as Ouala or be married off to continue her family’s magical lineage (had no idea she/her family has magical powers until now. What kind of powers do they have and why is it so important to continue their lineage?). Ouala, Feyling, for Keirann it is all too much.

 

The two fates converge and Keirann, feeling suffocated and afraid, decides to run away. She never wanted the role of Ouala, let alone the mantle of Feyling. She doesn’t believe in the goddess and she certainly doesn’t believe in ancient myths. The Faith has only ever caused her pain and loss, taking and abusing where it will. She would rather spend her days hunting, experimenting with herbal remedies, and carousing with local soldiers (Agreeing with another critter here. I liked this line too, initially, but now it seems out of place because it comes too late. This makes it sound like she runs away to do drugs and sleep around, which doesn't make her very sympathetic). Keirann decides she will forge her own destiny, regardless of the machinations of her family.

 

Soon, however, violent mercenaries begin to come for her and the stone – wanting its power for themselves. Keirann flees her twin destinies but she swiftly learns her choices have deadly consequences (what kind of consequences? Again, specifics here would give it more punch). Now Keirann must choose: sacrifice her freedom or continue forward, putting at risk all she left behind (I understand the first part of your stakes, but risking all she left behind falls flat for me. Mostly because I'm told that she wants to run from her destinies, so why would she care about the family/faith she left behind, if she wanted nothing to do with them in the first place?).

Hi Brooke, you're getting there. This is definitely better than your previous versions. Still have a lot going on (which isn't necessarily a bad thing), and I still think you could do with more specifics in certain areas. My comments above, take from them what you will. 

 

I, too, am still revising my query, and I know it's not easy. Keep at it, you'll get there!



#31 Aightball

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Posted 21 April 2018 - 10:04 PM

​Thank you A. Wass for your critique. I'm trying to pay attention to what everyone is saying and incorporate it where I can. At the same time I'm trying to remain true to my voice and stick with what my gut tells me too. 

 

​I'm confused by why everyone is confused by the "two fates" line. I've said before it's her future as Ouala (High Priestess) and Feyling. So, I've tried to clear that up as best I can in this new version. My concern now is everyone is going to say it's too much information lol. So, I guess we will see. 

 

​If someone happens to see an issue and perhaps has an example to further explain their concern that would be really helpful to me so I can get a different perspective on this. Thank you again for all the help!

 

 

 

 

The Feyling is a creature of myth and legend. Folk claim that, long ago, the Feyling bartered her soul, and her lover, for the power to seal away unimaginable evil. The tale has always been just that, a story. That is until Keirann accidentally releases a mystical stone from an ancient shrine.

 

Engulfed in a blaze of light, a voice from the stone sounds in her head – declaring her Feyling, bearer of great power and promising to aid her in defeating coming catastrophe. The legend surrounding the shrine is well known and folk who witness the event believe Keirann to be a chosen champion of the goddess Illyia. It doesn’t help that Keirann is one of eight candidates to become Ouala, High Priestess of the Faith. With the unwelcome return of her father, Keirann is reminded she must succeed as Ouala or be married off to continue her family’s magical lineage. Ouala, Feyling, for Keirann it is all too much.

 

The two fates converge and Keirann, feeling suffocated and afraid, decides to run away. She never wanted the role of Ouala, let alone the mantle of Feyling. She doesn’t believe in the goddess and she certainly doesn’t believe in ancient myths. The Faith has only ever caused her pain and loss, taking and abusing where it will. She would rather spend her days hunting, experimenting with herbal remedies, and carousing with local soldiers. Keirann decides she will forge her own destiny, regardless of the machinations of her family.

 

Soon, however, violent mercenaries begin to come for her and the stone – wanting its power for themselves. Keirann flees her twin destinies but she swiftly learns her choices have deadly consequences. Now Keirann must choose: sacrifice her freedom or continue forward, putting at risk all she left behind.

 

Honestly, I think you're there!  Let me know when this hits shelves! =)


Most girls are made of
sugar and spice and everything nice; they
screwed up the recipe for me: I'm made of
bat wings and broken things.

Query: http://agentquerycon...3-love-and-war/

Blog: http://aightball.wordpress.com

Synopsis:

Twitter Hook(s):

Short Story "Anguish", in Winter's Regret: http://www.amazon.co...winter's regret

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#32 BrookeJS

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Posted 22 April 2018 - 10:18 PM

Okay, try one billion and one. Attempting a slightly different approach this time as I am trying to consider everyone's comments. Let me know what you all think. Thank you again everyone who has commented so far it's been a big help. Also, Aightball you're very sweet lol.

 

 

 

Healing the sick and infirm comes naturally to Keirann. But so does pounding soldiers into the dirt on a sunny afternoon.

 

Keirann does what she can to avoid her duties as an acolyte to the Faithful of Illyia. Every day the fall Festival of the Stag looms closer and as it does the walls of Keirann’s unwanted future closes in. Only Keirann’s uncle is an ally to her rebellious behavior until one day, he isn’t.

 

The return of Keirann’s estranged and abusive father brings with him a devastating ultimatum. Succeed in following her mother’s footsteps and become the new High Priestess or be married off. The only problem is, Keirann doesn’t believe in the goddess. The Faith has only ever caused her heartache and loss. It takes from her where it pleases and gives nothing in return.

 

When village folk start calling Keirann the Feyling – a creature of ancient myth said to have bartered her soul and lover to seal away unimaginable evil – after she accidentally releases a magical stone, she decides it’s time to flee. Keirann will forge her own destiny, regardless of the machinations of family or society.

 

Soon, however, agents of calamity and war begin to come for Keirann and the stone – believing it a source of great power. When someone close to Keirann is nearly killed and an innocent family destroyed, she is forced to face the consequences of her choices. Keirann decides to turn back, sacrificing her freedom to protect those she loves. But doing so may prove more painful than she realized and she risks unraveling the very fabric of the world if those following manage to get their hands on the stone.


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#33 ShatteredSmooth

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Posted 23 April 2018 - 05:55 AM

​Okay, try one billion and one. Attempting a slightly different approach this time as I am trying to consider everyone's comments. Let me know what you all think. Thank you again everyone who has commented so far it's been a big help. Also, Aightball you're very sweet lol.

 

 

 

Healing the sick and infirm comes naturally to Keirann. But so does pounding soldiers into the dirt on a sunny afternoon. That is a good combination of skills if her country is at war, kick ass by day, heal wounded soldiers by night?

 

Keirann does what she can to avoid her duties as an acolyte to the Faithful of Illyia. What does avoiding duties have to do with the above. Is an acolyte a healer, warriror or neither? Every day the fall Festival of the Stag looms closer and as it does the walls of Keirann’s unwanted future closes in. What is the festival and what does it have to do with her duties? Only Keirann’s uncle is an ally to her rebellious behavior until one day, he isn’t. I still don't have a clear idea what she is rebelling against, only that she avoids her duties. This uncle seems to come out of nowhere. Also, we are at the end of the second paragraph and I have no clue what she wants and how these duties she avoids prevent that. All I know is that she is good at both fighting and healing, and she avoids her job.

 

The return of Keirann’s estranged and abusive father brings with him a devastating ultimatum. Succeed in following her mother’s footsteps and become the new High Priestess or be married off. This seems a little unrelated to everything above. If it is about her family drama and how the abusive dad wants to control her life, maybe that should come sooner. The only problem is, Keirann doesn’t believe in the goddess. The Faith has only ever caused her heartache and loss. This explains why she avoids here duties. It takes from her where it pleases and gives nothing in return. This line doesn't mean much to me. I know what she is good at and what she avoids, but I have no clue what pleases her. 

 

When village folk start calling Keirann the Feyling – a creature of ancient myth said to have bartered her soul and lover to seal away unimaginable evil – after she accidentally releases a magical stone, she decides it’s time to flee. Another turn of events disconnected from everything else Keirann will forge her own destiny, regardless of the machinations of family or society. I still don't know what she really wants. I only have vague stakes. Overall, this draft of the query really isn't working for me at all. I also feel like at this point, it should be done. Your on your fourth paragraph. 

 

Soon, however, agents of calamity and war  vauge begin to come for Keirann and the stone – believing it a source of great power. you already hinted it was some kind of power source When someone close to Keirann is nearly killed and an innocent family destroyed, she is forced to face the consequences of her choices. which are what? Keirann decides to turn back, sacrificing her freedom to protect those she loves. How does this help?  But doing so may prove more painful than she realized and she risks unraveling the very fabric of the world if those following manage to get their hands on the stone. Now something is at stake for the world. 

 

Your concept sounds interesting, but there is way too much information in this query, and by the end, I still have no clue what the character wants -- just that by avoiding everything they end up tangled up in some drama related to a magic stone. Everything in the first three paragraphs could really be condensed to a two or three sentence paragraph that includes what she wants. 

 

Then introduce the stone drama and how it it is all related on one 3 or 4 sentence paragraph

 

another 2 or 3  sentence paragraph for the stakes. 

 

Bio, closing etc... 

 

Less is more with queries.



#34 ShatteredSmooth

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Posted 23 April 2018 - 05:58 AM

Also, I was looking through your other attemps. A version of this, minus the stuff a crossed out and with a few wording tweaks, would be a fantastic opening. "The two fates converge and  feeling suffocated and afraid, Keirann,decides to runs away. She never wanted the role of Ouala, let alone the mantle of Feyling. She doesn’t believe in the goddess and she certainly doesn’t believe in ancient myths. The Faith has only ever caused her pain and loss, taking and abusing where it will. She would rather spend her days hunting, experimenting with herbal remedies, and carousing with local soldiers than ____. Keirann decides she will forge her own destiny, regardless of the machinations of her family."



#35 BrookeJS

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Posted 23 April 2018 - 11:34 AM

An acolyte is an assistant for religious services. A priest in training or priestess in training, essentially. 

 

 

Also, Bump. Lots of traffic going on today!


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#36 BrookeJS

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Posted 23 April 2018 - 05:11 PM

​Try Gazillion and 2! Jk =P. I made a few tiny changes. Gonna leave the previous version up for now in post #32 if anyone cares to compare. I'm a tiny bit over word count but I really see now way to get around it if I'm trying to address all the questions and concerns raised by everyone.

 

 

 

 

Healing the sick and infirm comes naturally to Keirann. But so does pounding soldiers into the dirt on a sunny afternoon.

 

             Keirann does what she can to avoid her duties as an acolyte to the Faithful of Illyia. Every day the Festival of the Stag looms closer, bringing with it her fate as High Priestess. Keirann’s only solace is the support of her uncle who allows her to circumvent the rules, until one day he doesn’t.

 

            The return of Keirann’s estranged and abusive father brings with him a devastating ultimatum. Succeed in following her mother’s footsteps as High Priestess or be married off. The only problem is, Keirann doesn’t believe in the goddess. The Faith has only ever caused her heartache and loss. It takes from her where it pleases and gives nothing in return. Keirann wants to live a life of her choosing free from the pressures of family and society, so she decides to flee.

 

            Before she can escape, Keirann accidentally releases a magical stone, the event witnessed by many. Village folk begin calling her the Feyling – a creature of ancient myth said to have bartered her soul and lover to seal away unimaginable evil.

 

            Soon after agents of calamity and war come for Keirann and the stone – wanting its power for themselves. When someone close to Keirann is nearly killed and an innocent family destroyed, she is forced to face the consequences of her choices. She decides to turn back, sacrificing her freedom to protect those she loves. But doing so may prove more painful than she realized and she risks unraveling the very fabric of the world if those following manage to get their hands on the stone.


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#37 galian84

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Posted 23 April 2018 - 07:35 PM

​Try Gazillion and 2! Jk =P. I made a few tiny changes. Gonna leave the previous version up for now in post #32 if anyone cares to compare. I'm a tiny bit over word count but I really see now way to get around it if I'm trying to address all the questions and concerns raised by everyone. Totally understand where you're coming from. Be sure you're in agreement with the comments you're addressing, though. I made the mistake of trying to address EVERYONE'S questions and concerns and my query ended up being a convoluted mess. The tricky part is definitely getting reader/agent to understand and get excited about your query, while keeping it clear and as concise as needed :)

 

 

 

Healing the sick and infirm comes naturally to Keirann. But so does pounding soldiers into the dirt on a sunny afternoon. (I like this opening! I'd read on)

 

             Keirann does what she can (okay, so this is a good time to put in her experimenting with herbs and hanging out with local soldiers, from your previous revisions) to avoid her duties as an acolyte to the Faithful of Illyia. Every day the Festival of the Stag looms closer, bringing with it her fate as High Priestess (And now I must ask...how does this festival relate to her becoming High Priestess? Either give us a little more explanation or leave this out entirely). Keirann’s only solace is the support of her uncle who allows her to circumvent the rules (what rules? And how does he allow her to do that?), until one day he doesn’t (eh? why? What happens?).

 

            The return of Keirann’s estranged and abusive father (where was he and what made him return?) brings with him a devastating ultimatum. Succeed in following her mother’s footsteps as High Priestess or be married off (Okay, I get this. However, I don't see simply being married off as a bad thing, necessarily. Perhaps you could elaborate on why this is undesirable to our heroine? Is she going to be married off to someone in a far off land? Someone who will abuse her? I think it would pack more of a punch that way). The only problem is, Keirann doesn’t believe in the goddess (Illyia?). The Faith has only ever caused her heartache and loss. It takes from her where it pleases and gives nothing in return. Keirann wants to live a life of her choosing free from the pressures of family and society, so she decides to flee (to where?).

 

            Before she can escape, Keirann accidentally releases a magical stone, the event witnessed by many. Village folk begin calling her the Feyling – a creature of ancient myth said to have bartered her soul and lover to seal away unimaginable evil. (I like this, cool concept)

 

            Soon after comma agents of calamity and war come for Keirann and the stone – wanting its power for themselves. When someone close to Keirann is nearly killed and an innocent family destroyed, she is forced to face the consequences of her choices. She decides to turn back, sacrificing her freedom to protect those she loves (while I understand this, I'm not getting a sense of the people she loves, except her uncle. Her father's also mentioned, but he's abusive, so why would she want to protect him?). But doing so may prove more painful than she realized and she risks unraveling the very fabric of the world if those following manage to get their hands on the stone.

Okay, this is a little better, but I still felt like I left this with too many questions and needing clarification on what's going on. Some parts still vague and doesn't hit me as hard as they would, if you had more specifics. Your story overall sounds interesting, though! Please don't be turned off by all the blue above. I tend to ramble sometimes when I'm giving suggestions :) There also seems to be a few interesting ideas introduced, that don't go anywhere in the rest of your query.

 

Another quick note. In the first line, I noticed you said she can pound soldiers to dirt, which I think is pretty amazing. However, that doesn't seem to be mentioned again in your query, in any shape. Something to think about.

 

Definitely keep at it! You seem very persistent and willing to work hard, and that's a great thing in the publishing industry...or so I hear. Query writing is most certainly a different art form than writing the novel. 



#38 BrookeJS

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Posted 23 April 2018 - 09:54 PM

Okay, this is a little better, but I still felt like I left this with too many questions and needing clarification on what's going on. Some parts still vague and doesn't hit me as hard as they would, if you had more specifics. Your story overall sounds interesting, though! Please don't be turned off by all the blue above. I tend to ramble sometimes when I'm giving suggestions :) There also seems to be a few interesting ideas introduced, that don't go anywhere in the rest of your query.

 

Another quick note. In the first line, I noticed you said she can pound soldiers to dirt, which I think is pretty amazing. However, that doesn't seem to be mentioned again in your query, in any shape. Something to think about.

 

Definitely keep at it! You seem very persistent and willing to work hard, and that's a great thing in the publishing industry...or so I hear. Query writing is most certainly a different art form than writing the novel. 

 

 ​Hi Galian, 

 

Thank you again for your advice and comments! As always it is appreciated =) I do my best to filter through the advice I agree with. But I'm also a perfectionist so it's hard when you want to create the most perfect query ever lol. I have to realize it'll never be that because not everyone is going to like it. 

 

I think some of the questions you posted I'm actually okay with because there needs to be something ​that makes the reader want to go read my book to find out the answers to these questions. Also, Keira was never doing drugs lol everyone sort of assumed that's what "experimenting with herbal remedies" meant, I actually meant she was a healer and making poultices and tinctures, etc, she may drink with soldiers now and then but mostly she's fighting them, that's her way of escaping and breaking the rules (as a priestess she isn't allowed) again, it's hard to provide that much exposition without it turning into a synopsis. Which was why I tried to switch up my hook. Some of the people I intend to query do require a synopsis so I feel like some of the questions pointed out will be answered there. If you haven't had a chance give it a read, I'd be curious to know if it DOES answer your questions. Thank you again!


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#39 BetsyEm

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Posted 23 April 2018 - 09:57 PM

​Try Gazillion and 2! Jk =P. I made a few tiny changes. Gonna leave the previous version up for now in post #32 if anyone cares to compare. I'm a tiny bit over word count but I really see now way to get around it if I'm trying to address all the questions and concerns raised by everyone.

 

 

 

 

Healing the sick and infirm comes naturally to Keirann. But so does pounding soldiers into the dirt on a sunny afternoon. I can see why you like this opening - but without reading your other queries, I'm not quite able to place these two attributes about Keirann into the query that follows. It just hangs at the top. 

 

             Keirann does what she can to avoid her duties as an acolyte to the Faithful of Illyia. Every day the Festival of the Stag looms closer, bringing with it her fate as High Priestess. Keirann’s only solace is the support of her uncle who allows her to circumvent the rules, until one day he doesn’t. This paragraph could use some reordering. In terms of engagement and excitement, avoiding duties doesn't catch me. The festival of the stag is more interesting. We could learn about what happens at the festival (becomes a priestess), and then be introduced to how she'd perfer to spend her time. It could even be combined with your next paragraph, regarding her lack of faith. Also, how important is her uncle? You could trim that last sentence off entirely, since you don't come back to him. 

 

            The return of Keirann’s estranged and abusive father brings with him a devastating ultimatum. Succeed in following her mother’s footsteps as High Priestess or be married off. The only problem is, Keirann doesn’t believe in the goddess. Getting married doesn't feel devistating here. What's so bad about it? Is she betrothed to someone awful? The Faith has only ever caused her heartache and loss. It takes from her where it pleases and gives nothing in return. This is vague enough to cut. (or add a concrete detail here) Keirann wants to live a life of her choosing free from the pressures of family and society, so she decides to flee.

 

            Before she can escape, Keirann accidentally releases a magical stone, the event witnessed by many. Village folk begin calling her the Feyling – a creature of ancient myth said to have bartered her soul and lover to seal away unimaginable evil.

 

            Soon after agents of calamity and war come for Keirann and the stone – wanting its power for themselves. When someone close to Keirann is nearly killed and an innocent family destroyed, she is forced to face the consequences of her choices. She decides to turn back, sacrificing her freedom to protect those she loves. But doing so may prove more painful than she realized and she risks unraveling the very fabric of the world "fabric of the world" feels like superfulous words that don't mean anything - what would actually happen? if those following manage to get their hands on the stone.

 

I haven't read your other versions, so I'm coming at this with fresh eyes, just so you know! 

 

I can totally understand how tough it is to fit the scope of your novel into one little query, especially with so many threads going on! 

 

I'm wondering if the stone is something she has in her possession as an almost-priestess? Is protecting the stone part of her duty as a priestess? How does it connect to the specific life she's trying to leave behind? Because if it's not connected to her priestesshood, you could trim down some of the front of your query. 

 

I'm not a fantasy reader or writer, so take my feedback with a grain of salt, and keep truckin! 


Currently working on my query for The Great and Terrible Carter Dynasty


#40 BrookeJS

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Posted 23 April 2018 - 10:06 PM

I haven't read your other versions, so I'm coming at this with fresh eyes, just so you know! 

 

I can totally understand how tough it is to fit the scope of your novel into one little query, especially with so many threads going on! 

 

I'm wondering if the stone is something she has in her possession as an almost-priestess? Is protecting the stone part of her duty as a priestess? How does it connect to the specific life she's trying to leave behind? Because if it's not connected to her priestesshood, you could trim down some of the front of your query. 

 

I'm not a fantasy reader or writer, so take my feedback with a grain of salt, and keep truckin! 

 

Hi BestyEm,

 

Thank you for your comments! In previous queries I had it pretty clearly stated Keirann was fleeing from 2 different fates (that in the book are inextricably intertwined) but not necessarily related to the other. She accidentally releases the stone (for reasons that get revealed in later books) from an old shrine while out caring for refugees as part of her job as a priestess. I like your suggestion of providing a little more info with the festival and possibly rewording that section so I will play around with that.

 

Unraveling the fabric of the world is actually a literal threat but again not something that can really be expanded on in a query. I'm trying to add more drama to up the stakes. (Fabric being the magical and etheric strands that hold everything together, it's a fairly complex magic system.)


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 






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