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Tangled Threads (Fantasy Epic) Update in #74 - Will crit back

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#41 BrookeJS

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Posted 23 April 2018 - 10:20 PM

Okay, made a few tweaks. 

 

 

 

 

Healing the sick and infirm comes naturally to Keirann. But so does pounding soldiers into the dirt on a sunny afternoon.

 

            The Festival of the Stag King looms closer and with it the ceremony that will cement her future as High Priestess, creating in her a rising panic. Whenever possible, Keirann avoids her duties as an acolyte to the Faithful of Illyia.

 

            Her abusive father delivers a devastating ultimatum. Succeed in following her mother’s footsteps as High Priestess or be forced into an unwanted marriage. The only problem is, Keirann doesn’t believe in the goddess. The Faith has only ever caused her heartache and loss. She blames it for her mother’s death. Keirann wants to live a life of her choosing, as a healer or a soldier, free from the pressures of family and society. Seeing no alternative, she decides to run.

 

            Before she can escape, Keirann accidentally releases a magical stone, the event witnessed by many. Village folk begin calling her the Feyling – a creature of ancient myth, said to have bartered her soul and lover to seal away unimaginable evil.

 

            Soon after, agents of calamity and war come for Keirann and the stone – wanting its power for themselves. When someone close to Keirann is nearly killed and an innocent family destroyed, she is forced to face the consequences of her choices. She decides to turn back, sacrificing her freedom to protect those she loves. But doing so may prove more painful than she realized and she risks unraveling the very fabric of the world if those following manage to get their hands on the stone.


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#42 Dasein

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Posted 24 April 2018 - 11:26 AM

I really like this query until I get to the stone part. How does someone "release" a stone? It sounds sort of comical. Instead of explaining, why don't you leave that part out. So then the query would look like this:

 

 

Healing the sick and infirm comes naturally to Keirann. But so does pounding soldiers into the dirt on a sunny afternoon. The Festival of the Stag King looms closer and with it the ceremony that will cement her future as High Priestess, creating in her a rising panic. Whenever possible, Keirann avoids her duties as an acolyte to the Faithful of Illyia.

 

 Her abusive father delivers a devastating ultimatum. Succeed in following her mother’s footsteps as High Priestess or be forced into an unwanted marriage. The only problem is, Keirann doesn’t believe in the goddess. The Faith has only ever caused her heartache and loss. She blames it for her mother’s death. Keirann wants to live a life of her choosing, as a healer or a soldier, free from the pressures of family and society. Seeing no alternative, she decides to run.

 

 When someone close to Keirann is nearly killed and an innocent family destroyed, she is forced to face the consequences of her choices. She decides to turn back, sacrificing her freedom to protect those she loves. But, given a mysterious talisman she has acquired on her journey, to do so risks unraveling the very fabric of the world.



#43 BrookeJS

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Posted 24 April 2018 - 11:28 AM

I really like this query until I get to the stone part. How does someone "release" a stone? It sounds sort of comical. Instead of explaining, why don't you leave that part out. So then the query would look like this:

 

 

Healing the sick and infirm comes naturally to Keirann. But so does pounding soldiers into the dirt on a sunny afternoon. The Festival of the Stag King looms closer and with it the ceremony that will cement her future as High Priestess, creating in her a rising panic. Whenever possible, Keirann avoids her duties as an acolyte to the Faithful of Illyia.

 

 Her abusive father delivers a devastating ultimatum. Succeed in following her mother’s footsteps as High Priestess or be forced into an unwanted marriage. The only problem is, Keirann doesn’t believe in the goddess. The Faith has only ever caused her heartache and loss. She blames it for her mother’s death. Keirann wants to live a life of her choosing, as a healer or a soldier, free from the pressures of family and society. Seeing no alternative, she decides to run.

 

 When someone close to Keirann is nearly killed and an innocent family destroyed, she is forced to face the consequences of her choices. She decides to turn back, sacrificing her freedom to protect those she loves. But, given a mysterious talisman she has acquired on her journey, to do so risks unraveling the very fabric of the world.

 

Hi Daesin, the stone is integral to the plot of the book and the main factor that really pushes her to leave (in the book). I could always add back in that she releases it from a shrine. I had that previously but when rewording that particular portion it got left out (although there is some comedy in this book, so maybe that's not all bad lol). Thank you for your feedback! And yay I'm glad you like this I feel like I'm going in the right direction with this one. =)


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#44 BrookeJS

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Posted 24 April 2018 - 05:11 PM

I was messing around with this last night and I made some slight adjustments. Hopefully for the better I don't know if I'm reaching a point where I'm making it worse not better lol. So far this is my favorite I think. 

 

 

 

 

Healing the sick and infirm comes naturally to Keirann. But so does pounding soldiers into the dirt on a sunny afternoon.

 

The Festival of the Stag King looms closer and with it the ceremony that will cement Keirann’s future as High Priestess, leaving her feeling suffocated and afraid. Whenever possible, Keirann avoids her duties as an acolyte to the Faithful of Illyia. She wants to live a life of her choosing, as a healer or soldier, free from the pressures of family and society.

 

            When her abusive father returns from traveling, he delivers a devastating ultimatum. Succeed in following her mother’s footsteps as High Priestess or be forced into an unwanted marriage. The only problem is, Keirann doesn’t believe in the goddess. The Faith has only ever caused her heartache and loss and she blames it for her mother’s death. Seeing only misery and stagnation in her future, Keirann decides to run.

 

            Before she can escape, she accidentally releases a magical stone from a shrine, the event witnessed by many. Village folk begin calling her the Feyling – a creature of ancient myth, said to have bartered her soul and lover to seal away unimaginable evil.

 

            Soon after, agents of calamity and war come for Keirann and the stone – wanting its power for themselves. When someone close to Keirann is nearly killed and an innocent family destroyed, she is forced to face the consequences of her choices. She decides to turn back, sacrificing her freedom to protect those she loves. But doing so may prove more painful than she realized and she risks unraveling the very fabric of the world if those following manage to get their hands on the stone.


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#45 Oldborne

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Posted 25 April 2018 - 01:56 AM

​I was messing around with this last night and I made some slight adjustments. Hopefully for the better I don't know if I'm reaching a point where I'm making it worse not better lol. So far this is my favorite I think. 

 

 

 

 

Healing the sick and infirm comes naturally to Keirann, but so does pounding soldiers into the dirt on a sunny afternoon. I do like this opening but it just feel like it doesn't lead us into the next paragraph. 

 

The Festival of the Stag King looms closer and with it the ceremony that will cement Keirann’s future as High Priestess, leaving her feeling suffocated and afraid. Whenever possible, Keirann avoids her duties as an acolyte to the Faithful of Illyia. She wants to live a life of her choosing, as a healer or soldier, free from the pressures of family and society. Very nice. 

 

            When her abusive father returns from traveling, he delivers a devastating ultimatum: Succeed in following her mother’s footsteps as High Priestess or be forced into an unwanted marriage. Awesome. The only problem is, Keirann doesn’t believe in the goddess. The Faith has only ever caused her heartache and loss and she blames it for her mother’s death. Seeing only misery and stagnation in her future, Keirann decides to run. Honestly this is so good now. You've come leaps and bounds from draft 1, great job! 

 

            Before she can escape, she accidentally releases a magical stone from a shrine, the event witnessed by many. Village folk begin calling her the Feyling – a creature of ancient myth, said to have bartered her soul and lover to seal away unimaginable evil. This feels a little random. Expand on the details a little. Why was she near the stone? One last act of defiance against the Faith? Gathering her belongings? etc. That's all it needs. "As she gathers her belongings from the church, she accidentally brushes against a ancient relic, releasing it's magical powers." Or something like that. 

 

            Soon after, agents of calamity and war come for Keirann and the stone – wanting its power for themselves. When someone close to Keirann is nearly killed and an innocent family destroyed, she is forced to face the consequences of her choices. She decides to turn back, sacrificing her freedom to protect those she loves. But doing so may prove more painful than she realized and she risks unraveling the very fabric of the world if those following manage to get their hands on the stone. Overall good if not a little crowded.

This is awesome now, great job. Your first two proper paragraphs are perfect, I'm very impressed. I'd find a way to have your opening sentences lead better into the second paragraph and clear a few things up in the third paragraph. Your stakes read fine, not as good as the rest of the query but not bad. I think if you simply the last sentence somehow it'd be better. 

Best of luck! You're 98% done. :D   


All feedback appreciated: http://agentquerycon...ust-sf-mystery/

 


#46 BrookeJS

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Posted 26 April 2018 - 12:40 AM

This is awesome now, great job. Your first two proper paragraphs are perfect, I'm very impressed. I'd find a way to have your opening sentences lead better into the second paragraph and clear a few things up in the third paragraph. Your stakes read fine, not as good as the rest of the query but not bad. I think if you simply the last sentence somehow it'd be better. 

Best of luck! You're 98% done. :D   

 

Thank you so much for your feedback! It really is very helpful. 
 

I can see what you're saying about feeling as if the hook doesn't lead into the first paragraph. I toyed with reversing that paragraph so that Whenever possible, Keirann avoids her duties as an acolyte to the Faithful of Illyia. She wants to live a life of her choosing, as a healer or soldier, free from the pressures of family and society. Comes before The Festival of the Stag King looms closer and with it the ceremony that will cement Keirann’s future as High Priestess, leaving her feeling suffocated and afraid.  ​But then I feel like the syntax is weird and it doesn't read quite as well (even with making slight changes to make it flow better, still sounds odd). So I'm not certain how to address that concern except that I'm not sure it's a very big deal if it doesn't have a perfect lead in, the question raised in the hook is still answered in that first paragraph. 

 

​As far as the stone paragraph, your questions about it were actually answered in earlier versions (she was talking with monks, got in an argument and in trying to prove them wrong accidentally released the stone for reasons unknown to basically everyone who witnessed what happened). She has a vision, stone talks to her, etc. This moment is seminal to everything that happens in the book, as well as one of the key factors that cements her decision to leave (she was already deciding to, but this was the breaking point essentially). So, aside from turning this too much into a synopsis again I'm really not sure how to clear this part up for people. I can agree that the last two paragraphs (and it could be because I've read them so many times now) are falling a little flat for me and I want more punch in them to hold an agents attention but I'm currently stuck. 

 

​If anyone has any idea's I'm all ears lol (or eyes). Thank you again for all the help!


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#47 Dasein

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Posted 26 April 2018 - 12:48 AM

How about instead of calling it a stone call it a talisman or magic artifact. Talking about releasing a stone makes it sound like a kidney stone. It's role in the plot is the only thing that is important.

#48 BrookeJS

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Posted 26 April 2018 - 12:51 AM

How about instead of calling it a stone call it a talisman or magic artifact. Talking about releasing a stone makes it sound like a kidney stone. It's role in the plot is the only thing that is important.

 

That is a good idea (something I struggled with in the book) It's a reliquary (think horcrux in harry potter) but Keirann doesn't know that only the people who want it from her know what it is. To her it just looks like a weird rock, perhaps even a gem. So it seemed misleading to call it a talisman. I could probably get away with magical artifact. Thank you! 


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#49 Tanja

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Posted 26 April 2018 - 02:12 AM

Thank you for your feedback on my query.

 

I haven't read any of your previous entries, but I think your latest version sounds pretty solid. Like Oldborne suggested, the last para is a little crowded and as you said, you're struggling with it. Are there maybe specific events that happen in relation to the stone? I know it's hard to not turn a query into a synopsis, like it happened with mine, but I think some more detail about the stone would help. Because right now we know people shouldn't get to the stone, but it's not really clear what secret the stone holds.

 

I think it's a good idea to refer to the stone as magical artifact. Another option is to give it a name.

 

sidenote: make sure you don't use indents when you send the query to agents.

Hope this helps a little


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#50 Bkrasnik

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Posted 26 April 2018 - 12:15 PM

​I was messing around with this last night and I made some slight adjustments. Hopefully for the better I don't know if I'm reaching a point where I'm making it worse not better lol. So far this is my favorite I think. 

 

 

 

 

Healing the sick and infirm comes naturally to Keirann. But so does pounding soldiers into the dirt on a sunny afternoon. I also like this opening and agree with Oldborne on how it doesn't seem to tie to the next paragraph.

 

The Festival of the Stag King looms closer and with it the ceremony that will cement Keirann’s future as High Priestess, leaving her feeling suffocated and afraid. Whenever possible, Keirann avoids her duties as an acolyte to the Faithful of Illyia. She wants to live a life of her choosing, as a healer or soldier, free from the pressures of family and society.

 

            When her abusive father returns from traveling, he delivers a devastating ultimatum. Succeed in following her mother’s footsteps as High Priestess or be forced into an unwanted marriage. The only problem is, Keirann doesn’t believe in the goddess. The Faith has only ever caused her heartache and loss and she blames it for her mother’s death. (I remember this being in a previous version. I am confused here. How do the last two sentences tie to what happened before? You would need to clarify.) Seeing only misery and stagnation in her future, Keirann decides to run.

 

            Before she can escape, she accidentally releases a magical stone (agree w/ other poster that this would probably be better as an artifact) from a shrine, the event witnessed by many (how does she accidentally release this stone? Only answer this question if it wont complicate the query too much, otherwise leave this answer out). Village folk begin calling her the Feyling – a creature of ancient myth, said to have bartered her soul and lover to seal away unimaginable evil.

 

            Soon after, agents of calamity and war come for Keirann and the stone – wanting its power for themselves. When someone close to Keirann is nearly killed and an innocent family destroyed (Good, except you might want to elaborate on this innocent family--whose innocent family? Because it sounds like some random innocent family), she is forced to face the consequences of her choices. She decides to turn back, sacrificing her freedom to protect those she loves (GOOD). But doing so may prove more painful than she realized and she risks unraveling the very fabric of the world if those following manage to get their hands on the stone. (GOOD) 

 

BrookJs, 

 

Great job here, you have come a long way! This query is much better than the previous versions, and I definitely feel like you got rid of all the unnecessary details while focusing more on developing your storyline. I think your ending is great, because you provided the perfect amount to keep us interested in what happens next. Just address the suggestions in blue, and you are almost done!


Have a moment to offer up some very much appreciated feedback? :)

My Young Adult Dystopian Query: http://agentquerycon...ate-on-post-15/


#51 BrookeJS

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Posted 26 April 2018 - 03:16 PM

Thank you everyone who has continued to provide their thoughts and criticisms! I really appreciate it as always! Considering a few people mentioned the lead in from the hook to the next sentence and then again the portion with the stone I tried to take a different approach. I ​really ​like this one the most so far. There may be some that might say it doesn't paint enough of a picture of the world but I think it focuses more on the theme which for my book and my query may be the most important. I've read that many agents look for what sets your story apart and I think that lies in the complicated nature of Keirann's personality and her struggles to overcome abuse. If nothing else I'll have 2 versions of a query to send to different agents depending on what they're looking for. OR I can possibly blend this one with the one above. Anyways! Let me know what you guys think!!

 

 

 

 

Healing the sick and infirm comes naturally to Keirann, but so does pounding soldiers into the dirt on a sunny afternoon.

 

Keirann has wanted nothing more than to be a soldier or a healer, but being born into a family dedicated to the Faith means an unwanted life of obeisance. Struggling to crawl out from the shadow of her abusive father, Keirann believes herself to be a scared girl pretending at being a brave woman. When the walls of priesthood come closing in, she plans to run away. She is determined to forge a life of her choosing, no matter the cost.

 

After accidentally miring herself in the machinations of dangerous men, Keirann finds herself in the possession of an ancient magical artifact. It whispers to her promises of aid if she keeps it safe. Her mind made up, Keirann flees only to discover the way forward proves fraught with despair. Turning back brings with it dangers all its own and if Keirann allows the artifact to end up in the wrong hands, she risks more than just her freedom and life. She risks plunging the world into ruinous chaos.

 

TANGLED THREADS is an 113,000 word epic fantasy, about a young woman’s furious struggle to be true to herself in the face of free will and fate. This work will appeal to fans of Anne Bishop’s Black Jewels Trilogy and Jim Butcher’s The Dresden Files.


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#52 Dasein

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Posted 26 April 2018 - 03:53 PM

Since it seems to be my role to obsess about this stone-- this description is much more intriguing, but the phrase "ancient, magical, artifact" shouldn't have the commas you put in.

I also think this paragraph needs work:

"after accidentally miring herself in the machinations of very dangerous men, Keirann finds herself in the possession of an ancient, magical, artifact. It whispers to her promises of aid if she keeps it safe. Her mind set, Keirann flees only to discover that the way forward proves full of heartache and despair. Turning back brings with it dangers all its own and if Keirann allows the artifact to end up in the wrong hands, she risks more than just her freedom and life. She risks plunging the world into ruinous chaos."

Take out "very" and in general try not to use so many adjectives. The middle sentences are a bit cliched and don't add interesting info. I would change it to this:

after accidentally miring herself in the machinations of some dangerous men, Keirann finds herself in the possession of an ancient magical artifact. It whispers to her promises of aid if she keeps it safe. If Keirann allows the artifact to end up in the wrong hands, she risks more than just her freedom and life. She risks plunging the world into ruinous chaos.


The last paragraph needs to be really edited down too. How about this:

TANGLED THREADS is an 113,000 word epic fantasy, about a young woman’s furious struggle to find her own path in life, even if it does require facing enormous danger.

You need to be careful about using too many cliches.

#53 BrookeJS

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Posted 26 April 2018 - 09:35 PM

Since it seems to be my role to obsess about this stone-- this description is much more intriguing, but the phrase "ancient, magical, artifact" shouldn't have the commas you put in.

I also think this paragraph needs work:

"after accidentally miring herself in the machinations of very dangerous men, Keirann finds herself in the possession of an ancient, magical, artifact. It whispers to her promises of aid if she keeps it safe. Her mind set, Keirann flees only to discover that the way forward proves full of heartache and despair. Turning back brings with it dangers all its own and if Keirann allows the artifact to end up in the wrong hands, she risks more than just her freedom and life. She risks plunging the world into ruinous chaos."

Take out "very" and in general try not to use so many adjectives. The middle sentences are a bit cliched and don't add interesting info. I would change it to this:

after accidentally miring herself in the machinations of some dangerous men, Keirann finds herself in the possession of an ancient magical artifact. It whispers to her promises of aid if she keeps it safe. If Keirann allows the artifact to end up in the wrong hands, she risks more than just her freedom and life. She risks plunging the world into ruinous chaos.


The last paragraph needs to be really edited down too. How about this:

TANGLED THREADS is an 113,000 word epic fantasy, about a young woman’s furious struggle to find her own path in life, even if it does require facing enormous danger.

You need to be careful about using too many cliches.

 

Made a few slight adjustments to the one above. Also I have no idea where those commas came from I didn't put them there!! Lol (honestly my first run through I didn't have them, don't know why I did that). Gonna have to respectfully disagree about some of the cliché parts, obviously I try to keep it limited but it's going to be impossible to avoid them 100%. There's always going to be some somewhere or someone will see something they see as cliché even if others don't. 


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#54 Tanja

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Posted 27 April 2018 - 05:42 AM

Hi

I only have minor suggestions. One is in this part

...Keirann finds herself in the possession of an ancient magical artifact. It whispers to her promises of aid if she keeps it safe.

since you use the whispers right after introducing the artifact, I think you can wipe magical as, well only a magical artifact can whisper.

 

In this part

...she risks more than just her freedom and life. She risks plunging the world into ruinous chaos.

To avoid using risks twice and to add more urge to it, you could write, 'She will plunge the world into ruinous chaos.

 

I personally miss the part where you used the agents of calamity wanting the stone for themselves. I think it had a lot more urge. The new version is well written but I think it's a little vague compared to the previous version, but that might just be me.

 

I also noticed on your query, as on so many others, that you don't mention if it's YA or NA. Obviously it's not adult, but agents do want to see that on the bottom of the query. So make sure you write that it's a YA or NA (which ever is the right one) epic fantasy novel.

 

 

Hope this helps

 

On a side note. Thanks again for your help  on my query. I added a new version and I found another way than using the suggested 'libido' though still tempted to use the word, but I don't think it would be appropriate for my story ;-)


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#55 BrookeJS

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Posted 27 April 2018 - 03:16 PM

Hi

I only have minor suggestions. One is in this part

...Keirann finds herself in the possession of an ancient magical artifact. It whispers to her promises of aid if she keeps it safe. 

since you use the whispers right after introducing the artifact, I think you can wipe magical as, well only a magical artifact can whisper.

 

In this part

...she risks more than just her freedom and life. She risks plunging the world into ruinous chaos.

To avoid using risks twice and to add more urge to it, you could write, 'She will plunge the world into ruinous chaos. ​I get what you're saying here but because of how the first sentence is worded it automatically raises the question "what else does she risk?" so using it twice in this instance works, linguistically speaking. At least in my opinion haha. 

 

I personally miss the part where you used the agents of calamity wanting the stone for themselves. I think it had a lot more urge. The new version is well written but I think it's a little vague compared to the previous version, but that might just be me. ​Yeah, I can see what you're saying. This version of the query focuses much more on theme and so I think I'm okay with it feeling less urgent. But that's why I'm keeping both so I've got my options open but it's good to know that you liked that part in the previous version, a lot kept bringing up issues with it =)

 

I also noticed on your query, as on so many others, that you don't mention if it's YA or NA. Obviously it's not adult, but agents do want to see that on the bottom of the query. So make sure you write that it's a YA or NA (which ever is the right one) epic fantasy novel.

 

 

Hope this helps

 

On a side note. Thanks again for your help  on my query. I added a new version and I found another way than using the suggested 'libido' though still tempted to use the word, but I don't think it would be appropriate for my story ;-)

 

Hey Tanja! Thank you again for offering your thoughts on this I really appreciate it and it is really helpful! So far I feel like it's a good thing that the comments have been minor compared to my other versions lol. 

 

In regards to your concerns about the YA or A. My book IS actually Adult Fantasy. I know the initial query reads YA and partly that is because Keira does go through a lot of firsts and she is 18. However, the content of the book as a whole is adult, and multi pov, and has probably too much violence to be appropriate for the YA audience. Also, that's up to an agent if they feel it could fit into the YA category. I've left out some info on this query because it didn't pertain to what I was working on but I always put YA or A/F in the title of the email (where most agents say they want it) or at the end of the query and I am also querying agents who are specifically looking for my genre. But thank you for pointing that out. I do think there was only one query I forgot to mention that in lol. 

 

And also you're welcome. I'll try and head over to read your newest one as soon as I can!


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#56 Tanja

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Posted 28 April 2018 - 12:54 AM

Good to  know because I was certain it was YA and not adult. So yes, make sure you mention it in the query. Or like you said in the subject line.

 

when you are getting less and less comments on your query, that's when it's time to send it out. You'll never be able to make everyone happy and there will always be people asking about why and how, but that's where you have to decide what's really important and what's really plot related. Like in my query, there are so many how and why, but they are both details that have nothing to do with the plot. So don't get bogged down on unnecessary details.

 

Thank you for your feedback on my query and your brilliant writing example. I posted a new version and besides of the stakes, I think I'm getting there.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#57 PureZhar3

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Posted 28 April 2018 - 11:06 AM

Thank you everyone who has continued to provide their thoughts and criticisms! I really appreciate it as always! Considering a few people mentioned the lead in from the hook to the next sentence and then again the portion with the stone I tried to take a different approach. I ​really ​like this one the most so far. There may be some that might say it doesn't paint enough of a picture of the world but I think it focuses more on the theme which for my book and my query may be the most important. I've read that many agents look for what sets your story apart and I think that lies in the complicated nature of Keirann's personality and her struggles to overcome abuse. If nothing else I'll have 2 versions of a query to send to different agents depending on what they're looking for. OR I can possibly blend this one with the one above. Anyways! Let me know what you guys think!!

 

 

 

 

Healing the sick and infirm comes naturally to Keirann, but so does pounding soldiers into the dirt on a sunny afternoon.

 

Keirann has wanted nothing more than to be a soldier or a healer, but being born into a family dedicated to the Faith means an unwanted life of obeisance. Struggling to crawl out from the shadow of her abusive father, Keirann believes herself to be a scared girl pretending at being ​this will stronger if you say "pretending to be" a brave woman. When the walls of priesthood come closing in, she plans to run away. ​more specifics could help this sentence She is determined to forge a life of her choosing, no matter the cost.

 

After accidentally miring herself in the machinations of dangerous men, Keirann finds herself in the possession of an ancient magical artifact. It whispers to her promises of aid if she keeps it safe. Her mind made up, Keirann flees only to discover the way forward proves fraught with despair. Turning back brings with it dangers all its own and if Keirann allows the artifact to end up in the wrong hands, she risks more than just her freedom and life. She risks plunging the world into ruinous chaos.

 

TANGLED THREADS is an 113,000 word epic fantasy, about a young woman’s furious struggle to be true to herself in the face of free will and fate. This work will appeal to fans of Anne Bishop’s Black Jewels Trilogy and Jim Butcher’s The Dresden Files.

​This was good until the last two paragraphs (excluding the book stats/comps/etc paragraph) because they dropped off in terms of any specifics. I got an abstract struggle rather than anything I could envision, and as a result I have no clue what the rest of the book (or at least the part the last two paragraphs were referencing) is about. I could write a million different stories that fit those two paragraphs, and that's a problem. Work on giving us specifics, and the thematics will follow and be stronger than ever.


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/


#58 BrookeJS

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Posted 28 April 2018 - 11:23 PM

​Okay, after doing quite a bit of extra research and based on PureZhar's comments above I decided to try a different approach. Sometimes I feel like I'm all over the place but this is the process! I attempted to incorporate the essence of Keirann's fear but also her strength. I also attempted to provide more details that some have commented on were missing (yet still avoiding -too much- explanation as I had in prior versions). I'm basing this version off a similar format of an author who was quickly picked up, repped, and now has a book deal (before anyone claims there's too much world-specific info lol). Word count for queries is 250-300, and this is on the higher end but being that it's an epic fantasy I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to whittle it down more than it already is.

 

Anyways, as ALWAYS I appreciate all feedback!! Thank you guys for sticking with me this far and providing all the help you've given me! If I haven't looked at your query let me know and I'm happy to return the favor!

 

 

Keirann may be many things: stubborn, willful, and a ferocious fighter, but the High Priestess of the Ivory Throne won't be next on the list.

 

Lacking in two of the most important things to qualify – belief in the goddess and skill in the magical art of weaving – no one believes Keirann when she denies her potential. Fearing an unwanted future of obeisance to the Faith and the heavy-hand of her father if she doesn’t comply, Keirann concocts a plan to run away.

 

Yet when Keirann accidentally mires herself in the machinations of a religious cult, she finds herself in the possession of an ancient artifact. A mysterious voice whispers promises of aid if she keeps it safe. With the artifact in hand, Keirann soon becomes the target of mercenaries more than willing to spill innocent blood to get what they want, and villagers name her Feyling a prophesied creature bound to the goddess.

 

Rumors of war and rising floods of destitute refugees haunt Keirann as she flees. When her actions result in the slaughter of an innocent family Keirann turns back, bereft with guilt. Captain Niall, a soldier who stirs in Keirann desire and envy, intercepts her return. Tasked with protecting Keirann, Niall must help her unravel the truth behind the mercenaries waging war against the people of Angern.

 

They unearth a plot connecting the cult to the mercenaries, but the enemy is shifty and hard to pin down. Soldiers prepare for battle and Keirann finds herself on a fast track to the future she despised. Teetering on the edge, she struggles to balance her desire for freedom with a rising sense of duty. But accepting her fate may very well cost Keirann her soul and the lives of everyone she loves.


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#59 HeatherBlue

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Posted 29 April 2018 - 12:47 AM

​Okay, after doing quite a bit of extra research and based on PureZhar's comments above I decided to try a different approach. Sometimes I feel like I'm all over the place but this is the process! I attempted to incorporate the essence of Keirann's fear but also her strength. I also attempted to provide more details that some have commented on were missing (yet still avoiding -too much- explanation as I had in prior versions). I'm basing this version off a similar format of an author who was quickly picked up, repped, and now has a book deal (before anyone claims there's too much world-specific info lol). Word count for queries is 250-300, and this is on the higher end but being that it's an epic fantasy I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to whittle it down more than it already is.

 

Anyways, as ALWAYS I appreciate all feedback!! Thank you guys for sticking with me this far and providing all the help you've given me! If I haven't looked at your query let me know and I'm happy to return the favor!

 

 

Keirann may be many things: stubborn, willful, and a ferocious fighter, but the High Priestess of the Ivory Throne won't be next on the list.

I think that maybe this should start with something like "As the High Priestess of the Ivory Throne, Keirann is many things, etc. dot dot dot, but there is no way she will let herself be next on the list." Or something like that. I feel like starting with her title is a little more grabbing, but of course that's up to you.

 

Lacking in two of the most important things to qualify – belief in the goddess and skill in the magical art of weaving – no one believes Keirann when she denies her potential. Fearing an unwanted future of obeisance to the Faith and the heavy-hand (I think this is two separate words, I think it's only hyphenated when it's "heavy-handed") of her father if she doesn’t comply, Keirann concocts a plan to run away.

 

Yet (I don't know why "yet" sounds weird here, maybe use "but") when Keirann accidentally mires herself in the machinations of a religious cult, she finds herself in the possession of an ancient artifact. A mysterious voice whispers promises of aid if she keeps it safe. With the artifact in hand, Keirann soon becomes the target of mercenaries more than willing to spill innocent blood to get what they want, and (I think this should be a separate sentence) villagers name her Feyling (use either a comma or dash here) a prophesied creature bound to the goddess.

 

Rumors of war and rising floods of destitute refugees haunt Keirann as she flees. When her actions result in the slaughter of an innocent family (comma) Keirann turns back, bereft with guilt. Captain Niall, a soldier who stirs desire and envy in Keirann desire and envy, intercepts her return. Tasked with protecting Keirann, Niall must help her unravel the truth behind the mercenaries waging war against the people of Angern.

I actually think that one sentence should be something like, "A soldier who stirs desire and envy in Keirann intercepts her return. Captain Niall is tasked with..." or something like that.

 

They unearth a plot connecting the cult to the mercenaries, but the enemy is shifty and hard to pin down. Soldiers prepare for battle and Keirann finds herself on a fast track to the future she despised. Teetering on the edge, she struggles to balance her desire for freedom with a rising sense of duty. But accepting her fate may very well cost Keirann her soul and the lives of everyone she loves.

 

 

I actually really like this. I'm going to have to try mine again, hopefully tomorrow, and do something different. The writing is great and I get the gist of the plot and everything. I just think it needs a few minor tweaks, but that's not that big of a deal. I think this is great! Thanks for so much help on mine! Good luck and I hope this helps!



#60 BrookeJS

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Posted 29 April 2018 - 01:41 AM

I actually really like this. I'm going to have to try mine again, hopefully tomorrow, and do something different. The writing is great and I get the gist of the plot and everything. I just think it needs a few minor tweaks, but that's not that big of a deal. I think this is great! Thanks for so much help on mine! Good luck and I hope this helps!

 

Thank you for your comments Heather! I will say unfortunately I can't agree with your suggestions for the hook because she isn't -actually- the high priestess yet, that's the point of the hook. She's not going to allow herself to become it. Reversing it wouldn't make sense. 

 

As for the heavy-handed part. Yeah, Microsoft word did that automatically and I didn't even notice it lol. But I didn't remove it because I wasn't 100% sure if I was correct in my assumption that it needed to be removed. 

 

Also, yay! I'm glad you liked it and I look forward to reading your newest revision!


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 






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