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Tangled Threads (Fantasy Epic) Update in #74 - Will crit back

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#61 Tanja

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Posted 29 April 2018 - 05:26 AM

​Okay, after doing quite a bit of extra research and based on PureZhar's comments above I decided to try a different approach. Sometimes I feel like I'm all over the place but this is the process! I attempted to incorporate the essence of Keirann's fear but also her strength. I also attempted to provide more details that some have commented on were missing (yet still avoiding -too much- explanation as I had in prior versions). I'm basing this version off a similar format of an author who was quickly picked up, repped, and now has a book deal (before anyone claims there's too much world-specific info lol). Word count for queries is 250-300, and this is on the higher end but being that it's an epic fantasy I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to whittle it down more than it already is.

 

Anyways, as ALWAYS I appreciate all feedback!! Thank you guys for sticking with me this far and providing all the help you've given me! If I haven't looked at your query let me know and I'm happy to return the favor!

 

 

Keirann may be many things: stubborn, willful, and a ferocious fighter, but the High Priestess of the Ivory Throne won't be next on the list.

My very first reaction, and I haven't even read further yet is, where is this great hook?

Healing the sick and infirm comes naturally to Keirann, but so does pounding soldiers into the dirt on a sunny afternoon.

And here is the reason why I think it's great. The last part, pounding soldiers into the dirt on a sunny afternoon, explains everything about her. Who she is, what she does, that she doesn't shy away form getting dirty, that she's though. The new hook is okay, but compared to the one you had it sounds ordinary.

 

Lacking in two of the most important things to qualify – belief in the goddess and skill in the magical art of weaving – no one believes Keirann when she denies her potential This part raises questions. Fearing an unwanted future of obeisance to the Faith and the heavy-hand of her father if she doesn’t comply, Keirann concocts a plan to run away. I think you had this better in the previous version. It was a lot clearer and had more punch.

 

Yet when Keirann accidentally mires herself in the machinations of a religious cult, she finds herself in the possession of an ancient artifact. lol some people will ask, but wait, how did she get the artifact?? You know what I'm saying  :smile:  A mysterious voice whispers promises of aid if she keeps it safe. With the artifact in hand, Keirann soon becomes the target of mercenaries more than willing to spill innocent blood to get what they want, and villagers name her Feyling a prophesied creature bound to the goddess. I'm tossing between both version. The previous one and this one. I know this won't help you. Can't decide.

 

Rumors of war and rising floods of destitute refugees haunt Keirann as she flees. When her actions result in the slaughter of an innocent family comma Keirann turns back, bereft with guilt. Captain Niall, a soldier who stirs in Keirann desire and envy, intercepts her return. Tasked with protecting Keirann, Niall must help her unravel the truth behind the mercenaries waging war against the people of Angern. So far you were talking about the village, now it's Angern. To avoid confusing, I suggest to mention the name before. I'm not too sure if the switch of POV works great here. I mainly struggle with the repetition of 'Rumors of war' and then later 'waging war against'. If you can get all this into one smooth part, that would work better.

 

They unearth a plot connecting the cult to the mercenaries do you want to go as far as revealing that they unearth the plot? , but the enemy is shifty and hard to pin down. Soldiers prepare for battle and Keirann finds herself on a fast track to the future she despised. Teetering on the edge, she struggles to balance her desire for freedom with a rising sense of duty. But accepting her fate may very well cost Keirann her soul and the lives of everyone she loves.

 

Hi Brooke

This is going to be mixed. As I already mentioned, I totally miss the previous hook. I also preferred the second para of the previous version better. What I like better in the new version is where the query is heading with Niall. However, I wouldn't go as far as the part where they unearth the plot. I don't know the story, but is there a way to build the last para around their challenges they encounter while unearthing the plot? Blend the third and last para together into one and I think then you're on the right track.

 

Good work.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#62 BrookeJS

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Posted 29 April 2018 - 12:08 PM

Hi Brooke

This is going to be mixed. As I already mentioned, I totally miss the previous hook. I also preferred the second para of the previous version better. What I like better in the new version is where the query is heading with Niall. However, I wouldn't go as far as the part where they unearth the plot. I don't know the story, but is there a way to build the last para around their challenges they encounter while unearthing the plot? Blend the third and last para together into one and I think then you're on the right track.

 

Good work.

 

Hi Tanja!

 

Thank you for your comments. You raise some valid points. I agree I was torn on doing away with my previous hook because I really liked it as well. However, given the structure of this new one I'm not sure if there is any feasible way for me to fit it in, or start with it, without completely changing everything. I feel it would be out of place. If someone sees a way for me to sneak it in there then I'm all ears! (eyes). 

 

As for saying "waging war on the people of Angern", again I can see your concern. I was going to say something along the lines of "villagers" however, one it read very poorly and two the war does consume more than just a tucked away mountain town. It's affecting the entire nation and I felt it was an important tidbit of information given what this query focuses on. 

 

And yes I want to mention they unearth the plot because it's not actually the MAIN plot. They learn the connection fairly early on and I have read that many agents want some tidbit of a spoiler or twist to make them want more. That connection isn't even the biggest one so I felt safe to go with it =)


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#63 Bkrasnik

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Posted 29 April 2018 - 12:38 PM

​Okay, after doing quite a bit of extra research and based on PureZhar's comments above I decided to try a different approach. Sometimes I feel like I'm all over the place but this is the process! I attempted to incorporate the essence of Keirann's fear but also her strength. I also attempted to provide more details that some have commented on were missing (yet still avoiding -too much- explanation as I had in prior versions). I'm basing this version off a similar format of an author who was quickly picked up, repped, and now has a book deal (before anyone claims there's too much world-specific info lol). Word count for queries is 250-300, and this is on the higher end but being that it's an epic fantasy I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to whittle it down more than it already is.

 

Anyways, as ALWAYS I appreciate all feedback!! Thank you guys for sticking with me this far and providing all the help you've given me! If I haven't looked at your query let me know and I'm happy to return the favor!

 

 

Keirann may be many things: stubborn, willful, and a ferocious fighter, but the High Priestess of the Ivory Throne won't be next on the list. (the first part of this hook is sort of ordinary, and the second part doesn't really grasp our attention either, because we don't know anything about this High Priestess position, we don't feel much of anything yet. I liked the hook you had in the previous version more.)

 

Lacking in two of the most important things to qualify – belief in the goddess and skill in the magical art of weaving – no one believes Keirann when she denies her potential (If you think this sentence through logically, I don't think it makes sense. You are saying that everyone believes that Keirann has potential to become High Priestess, even knowing that she lacks in two important things to qualify. You need to make it clear that Keirann is the one who knows she lacks in these two important things, while the others don't know this.)  Fearing an unwanted future of obeisance to the Faith and the heavy-hand of her father if she doesn’t comply, Keirann concocts a plan to run away.

 

Yet when Keirann accidentally mires herself in the machinations of a religious cult, she finds herself in the possession of an ancient artifact. A mysterious voice whispers promises of aid if she keeps it safe. With the artifact in hand, Keirann soon becomes the target of mercenaries more than willing to spill innocent blood to get what they want (​it is clear what a mercenary is without you saying this, so to make it more concise, I would delete this), and villagers name her Feyling a prophesied creature bound to the goddess (I would delete this. It flows much better into the next paragraph without this, because this is kind of back peddling to the beginning of your query.)

 

Rumors of war and rising floods of destitute (a refugee by definition is destitute, so including this is redundant) refugees haunt Keirann as she flees. When her actions result in the slaughter of an innocent family Keirann turns back, bereft with guilt (As interesting as this is, why would her actions cause a slaughtering of an innocent family? I would just add in a few extra words to clarify this). Captain Niall, a soldier who stirs in Keirann desire and envy, intercepts her return. Tasked with protecting Keirann, Niall must help her unravel the truth behind the mercenaries waging war against the people of Angern. 

 

They unearth a plot connecting the cult to the mercenaries, but the enemy is shifty and hard to pin down. Soldiers prepare for battle and Keirann finds herself on a fast track to the future she despised. Teetering on the edge, she struggles to balance her desire for freedom with a rising sense of duty. But accepting her fate may very well cost Keirann her soul and the lives of everyone she loves (How would this cost the lives of everyone she loves?).

 

Hey BrookeJS, 

 

I think deleting a few things here and there will make your query more focused, because a lot is going on right now. Hope this helps! 


Have a moment to offer up some very much appreciated feedback? :)

My Young Adult Dystopian Query: http://agentquerycon...ate-on-post-15/


#64 cmmg

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Posted 29 April 2018 - 01:23 PM

​Okay, after doing quite a bit of extra research and based on PureZhar's comments above I decided to try a different approach. Sometimes I feel like I'm all over the place but this is the process! I attempted to incorporate the essence of Keirann's fear but also her strength. I also attempted to provide more details that some have commented on were missing (yet still avoiding -too much- explanation as I had in prior versions). I'm basing this version off a similar format of an author who was quickly picked up, repped, and now has a book deal (before anyone claims there's too much world-specific info lol). Word count for queries is 250-300, and this is on the higher end but being that it's an epic fantasy I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to whittle it down more than it already is.

 

Anyways, as ALWAYS I appreciate all feedback!! Thank you guys for sticking with me this far and providing all the help you've given me! If I haven't looked at your query let me know and I'm happy to return the favor!

 

 

Keirann may be many things: stubborn, willful, and a ferocious fighter, but the High Priestess of the Ivory Throne won't be next on the list. (This is a bit confusingly worded. I think saying "...fighter, but one thing she's not.." or something that makes it clear that she's not X before you say what X is. At first I thought the High Priestess of the Ivory Throne was another person, not a potential quality)

 

Lacking in two of the most important things to qualify – belief in the goddess and skill in the magical art of weaving – no one believes Keirann when she denies her potential (She lacks the qualities and as a result people don't believe her when she denies her potential? This doesn't follow logically. You need to fix this wording. "Lacking the two things that are important [etc etc] --Keirann knows she's bad for the throne. But no one believes her." The other thing is I'm not sure why this is important, it sounds like she doesn't WANT to be the Ivory throne). Fearing an unwanted future of obeisance to the Faith and the heavy-hand of her father if she doesn’t comply, Keirann concocts a plan to run away (So you do want her to not want it? Then, I think you need to reconsider your opening line. The opening lines presents Keirann not being the High Priestess as conflict, implies that she SHOULD be the priestess. But in fact, that's exactly what she wants. The conflict is that, everyone else things she is. Additionally, because you make it VERY clear why she's not suited for the ivory throne early on, it's not clear why no one else can see that).

 

Yet when Keirann accidentally mires herself in the machinations of a religious cult, she finds herself in the possession of an ancient artifact. A mysterious voice whispers promises of aid if she keeps it safe. With the artifact in hand, Keirann soon becomes the target of mercenaries more than willing to spill innocent blood to get what they want, and villagers name her Feyling a prophesied creature bound to the goddess. (Is this the actual plot? This seems unrelated to what came before it. Also, the nickname? Doesn't matter. It adds nothing)

 

Rumors of war and rising floods of destitute refugees haunt Keirann as she flees.(This just adds a whole new things that's never explored again) When her actions result in the slaughter of an innocent family Keirann turns back, bereft with guilt. Captain Niall, a soldier who stirs in Keirann desire and envy, intercepts her return (I feel like there's too much going on. Suddenly there's a captain? And I'm not sure how these are connected.). Tasked with protecting Keirann, Niall must help her unravel the truth behind the mercenaries waging war against the people of Angern (don't know what this is, and this is a bit late to just be saying these people. I mean, this is the first I'm hearing about a hard in the third paragraph?).

 

They unearth a plot connecting the cult to the mercenaries(First she runs away, then discovers an artifact, THEN kills people THEN finds a captain and NOW there's a cult? Wait before there was a cult. I missed that because you immediately started talking about something else after. WAY too much going on in this query. There can only be so many twists and turns)s, but the enemy is shifty and hard to pin down. Soldiers prepare for battle and Keirann finds herself on a fast track to the future she despised. Teetering on the edge, she struggles to balance her desire for freedom with a rising sense of duty. But accepting her fate may very well cost Keirann her soul and the lives of everyone she loves.

I haven't read the other parts, but I think this REALLY needs to be FOCUSED. It seems like you have the right format, but your words are not really connected.

 

First: you want to introduce that Kierran is running away from being a High Priestess but that doesn't influence ANY of the plot I'm seeing, but you spend so much time on it. You could even just say "When faithless Kierran is chosen to be the next High Priestass, she runs away from a life of servitude" (or whatever) Say that in one line.

 

Second: You need to build up the cult and the artifact a bit more in a connected way. I'm not understanding how her being involved in a cult gets her an artifact. You need to connect these logically and also add a "So what" factor. So she finds a cult, okay, so what? She finds an artifact? So what? Oh but the people will kill her if--so she gives them the artifact. Just cause a voice tells her to protect it, doesn't mean she should. The stakes here have to be feel more real and they don't. This needs to be concrete. You can expand on this, the main point and cut some of the other things.

 

Third: I feel like if you want to mention this Captain in the query (and you don't have to, I think he could be removed and it would be fine, he doesn't add any stakes or complications, since he's just sort of there to protect her but it's not clear why or how) you need to connect him better to the cult. You have this NEW element to introduce him but it seems jumpy from what came before it, especially because immediately after you're trying to connect it to the cult, meaning the cult is the main conflict. After this section there's all this new words and the connection becomes lost.

 

I agree with you: you are all over the place. I think in terms of plot, stick CLOSE to something. Except for the cult, you don't really show how any of these one line issues influence her in the long term or how it's connected or develops. Development is key, I feel like you're adding MORE things, but if they're not a logical conclusion of what falls immediately, than maybe, don't add them. If they DO follow logically, make that clearer.


_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

synopsis


#65 BrookeJS

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Posted 29 April 2018 - 01:35 PM

I haven't read the other parts, but I think this REALLY needs to be FOCUSED. It seems like you have the right format, but your words are not really connected.

 

First: you want to introduce that Kierran is running away from being a High Priestess but that doesn't influence ANY of the plot I'm seeing, but you spend so much time on it. You could even just say "When faithless Kierran is chosen to be the next High Priestass, she runs away from a life of servitude" (or whatever)

 

Second: You need to build up the cult and the artifact a bit more in a connected way. I'm not understand how her being involved in a cult gets her an artifact. You need to connect these logically and also add a "So what" factor. So she finds a cult, okay, so what? She finds an artifact? So what? Oh but the people will kill her if--so she gives them the artifact. Just cause a voice tells her to protect it, doesn't mean she should. The stakes here have to be feel more real and they don't. This needs to be concrete.

 

Third: I feel like if you want to mention this Captain in the query (and you don't have to, I think he could be removed and it would be fine, he doesn't add any stakes or complications, since he's just sort of there to protect her but it's not clear why or how) you need to connect him better to the cult. You have this NEW element to introduce him but it seems jumpy from what came before it, especially because immediately after you're trying to connect it to the cult, meaning the cult is the main conflict. After this section there's all this new words and the connection becomes lost.

 

I agree with you: you are all over the place. I think in terms of plot, stick CLOSE to something.

 

Hi Cmmg,

 

Thank you for your feedback. I can see where you are coming from. Instead of trying to address all of the comments you made I think your questions would be answered if you did read my earlier versions (I'm also happy to pm them to you) to help you see why I went this route. That is if you want too! As I said, I'm following a specific format done by multiple authors who have gone on to get repped and get a book deal. It's been encouraged to enter in a supporting character which is why I mention Niall because he is the one who discovers the connection between the cult and the mercenaries. He is also the primary love interest. The order in which the character is introduced can be anywhere but the format I followed said put it where it is. Hard to know what's right and not because every agent looks for something different, haha. Keirann doesn't want to be priestess but she is being forced to be the priestess - this was explained more clearly in other versions but the common complaint was it was too much info - this is why she runs away. 

 

Everyone seems to agree that my previous hook was better so I'm going to have to toy around with that. I know there is a lot going on, there is no getting away from that. This is a very big story and there are multiple things that set everything in motion. I'm trying to narrow down to the most important and I'm not going to make everyone happy no matter what route I choose lol. 


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#66 BrookeJS

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Posted 29 April 2018 - 01:37 PM

Hey BrookeJS, 

 

I think deleting a few things here and there will make your query more focused, because a lot is going on right now. Hope this helps! 

 

Thank you for pointing out what you did. I'll take another look at this!


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#67 BrookeJS

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Posted 29 April 2018 - 01:42 PM

Wanted to add real quick, incase someone has insight on how to word this section better. The family dying is a pivotal moment in making Keirann decide to turn back around and go home. She travels with them briefly and then when a group of mercs catch up to them, she runs away thinking she is protecting them but the family gets tortured and killed anyway because the mercs think they knew where she went. So she blames herself - that's why I say her actions cause their deaths (one survives and that's how she finds out).  


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#68 cmmg

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Posted 29 April 2018 - 01:44 PM

Hi Cmmg,

 

Thank you for your feedback. I can see where you are coming from. Instead of trying to address all of the comments you made I think your questions would be answered if you did read my earlier versions (I'm also happy to pm them to you) to help you see why I went this route. That is if you want too! As I said, I'm following a specific format done by multiple authors who have gone on to get repped and get a book deal. It's been encouraged to enter in a supporting character which is why I mention Niall because he is the one who discovers the connection between the cult and the mercenaries. He is also the primary love interest. The order in which the character is introduced can be anywhere but the format I followed said put it where it is. Hard to know what's right and not because every agent looks for something different, haha. Keirann doesn't want to be priestess but she is being forced to be the priestess - this was explained more clearly in other versions but the common complaint was it was too much info - this is why she runs away. 

 

Everyone seems to agree that my previous hook was better so I'm going to have to toy around with that. I know there is a lot going on, there is no getting away from that. This is a very big story and there are multiple things that set everything in motion. I'm trying to narrow down to the most important and I'm not going to make everyone happy no matter what route I choose lol.

 

Hey,

 

Not to sound like, out of line, but sort of like, I shouldn't have to read your previous queries to know what's going on? Like I said, if you want to mention the Captain, go for it, I just feel like it needs to be more connected, and yeah, I got the Kierran and the high priestess bit eventually, but it's something, I think, you want to be clear right off the bat. It's already too much info here too, it's just not clear info, is what I'm saying. 

I can definitely sympathize with a big story. Even just for mine I have SO much going on, but I feel like, sometimes you gotta remember (or at least I did) that accuracy is less important than tone. Leaving stuff out or implying things that may not be 100% accurate, but which flow really well and give the gist is the most important bit. I've sure reading the novel it's clear how these things connect, but in the query it's so hard to make it clear, and I can appreciate that, but like, there's no way around that, you either cut it, or connect it.

If it helps, I think you do have some interesting stuff going on, but I was pretty confused about what was going on.

 

 

In terms of the family, is really necessary for the agent to KNOW that she turns back home? I feel like I fon't remember her going home when I read the query, though there was a mention of the "turns back" I didn't have a feeling of what that really meant or why it was important. I understand giving her motivation is important, but you might just want to not include that subplot if you have so much going on already.


_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

synopsis


#69 BrookeJS

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Posted 29 April 2018 - 01:47 PM

Hey,

 

Not to sound like, out of line, but sort of like, I shouldn't have to read your previous queries to know what's going on? Like I said, if you want to mention the Captain, go for it, I just feel like it needs to be more connected, and yeah, I got the Kierran and the high priestess bit eventually, but it's something, I think, you want to be clear right off the bat. It's already too much info here too, it's just not clear info, is what I'm saying. 

I can definitely sympathize with a big story. Even just for mine I have SO much going on, but I feel like, sometimes you gotta remember (or at least I did) that accuracy is less important than tone. Leaving stuff out or implying things that may not be 100% accurate, but which flow really well and give the gist is the most important bit. I've sure reading the novel it's clear how these things connect, but in the query it's so hard to make it clear, and I can appreciate that, but like, there's no way around that, you either cut it, or connect it.

If it helps, I think you do have some interesting stuff going on, but I was pretty confused about what was going on.

 

I wasn't being dismissive. I was trying to say that a lot of your questions were answered in earlier versions (that's why I suggested reading them, which was just a suggestion). Other parts -were- more clear and connected. But then I was being told that other parts were unclear. So, without writing a 500 word query I'm trying to find the balance between what everyone points out. 


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#70 Tanja

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Posted 30 April 2018 - 07:48 AM

Wanted to add real quick, incase someone has insight on how to word this section better. The family dying is a pivotal moment in making Keirann decide to turn back around and go home. She travels with them briefly and then when a group of mercs catch up to them, she runs away thinking she is protecting them but the family gets tortured and killed anyway because the mercs think they knew where she went. So she blames herself - that's why I say her actions cause their deaths (one survives and that's how she finds out).  

 

Instead of writing When her actions result in the slaughter of an innocent family

you could write, When her wrong judgement results in the slaughter ....

There is no need to explain why and how it happend. People will ask this question, but this is exactly a place where an explanation isn't needed. All that's important here is that she made the wrong decision.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#71 jsummerv

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Posted 30 April 2018 - 02:21 PM

Hi Brook, for me, your query seemed a bit wordy and lacked punch. I think your second paragraph could almost be deleted. Also, saying she “concocts a plan to run away” makes her sound more like a child than a strong-character necessary for your storyline. Also, I’m left wondering why the artifact needs protection and what kind of aid it promises. We have no background to support why the artifact needs her help or would offer her aid.

 

I might try the beginning your query something like this:

 

Keirann’s determined to alter her destiny; she vows, she’ll not be forced into becoming the next High Priestess of the Ivory Throne.

 

Her plan to disappear is disrupted by her discovering an ancient artifact from a civilization that had vanished (destroyed itself?) a millennium ago. As she’s inspecting the artifact, it whispers unimaginable promises. When rumors begin to circulate about a powerful artifact, Keirann finds herself the target of …

 

Joe -- remember, not everyone's advice is better than what you have. Also, it will be impossible to follow everyone's advise. Decide what works for you :smile: 



#72 BrookeJS

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Posted 30 April 2018 - 03:23 PM

Hi Brook, for me, your query seemed a bit wordy and lacked punch. I think your second paragraph could almost be deleted. Also, saying she “concocts a plan to run away” makes her sound more like a child than a strong-character necessary for your storyline. Also, I’m left wondering why the artifact needs protection and what kind of aid it promises. We have no background to support why the artifact needs her help or would offer her aid.

 

I might try the beginning your query something like this:

 

Keirann’s determined to alter her destiny; she vows, she’ll not be forced into becoming the next High Priestess of the Ivory Throne.

 

Her plan to disappear is disrupted by her discovering an ancient artifact from a civilization that had vanished (destroyed itself?) a millennium ago. As she’s inspecting the artifact, it whispers unimaginable promises. When rumors begin to circulate about a powerful artifact, Keirann finds herself the target of …

 

Joe -- remember, not everyone's advice is better than what you have. Also, it will be impossible to follow everyone's advise. Decide what works for you :smile: 

 

I appreciate your comments. Everyone is going to have different tastes so at this point I'm taking a break because I'm getting too many differing opinions. If there was an overall consensus then it'd be easier but when each person picks out something different (that also worked previously in a different version) it starts to make your head spin. So I'll give it another shot after a few days with fresh eyes. Thanks again everyone.


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#73 HeatherBlue

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Posted 30 April 2018 - 08:26 PM

Thank you for your comments Heather! I will say unfortunately I can't agree with your suggestions for the hook because she isn't -actually- the high priestess yet, that's the point of the hook. She's not going to allow herself to become it. Reversing it wouldn't make sense. 

 

As for the heavy-handed part. Yeah, Microsoft word did that automatically and I didn't even notice it lol. But I didn't remove it because I wasn't 100% sure if I was correct in my assumption that it needed to be removed. 

 

Also, yay! I'm glad you liked it and I look forward to reading your newest revision!

 

Oh okay, I see. I thought she was already in that role, so I thought maybe it could go first. I am working on posting a new draft already from the last one. Good luck!



#74 BrookeJS

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Posted 03 May 2018 - 02:39 PM

​Howdy folks. So, I am posting this up because I'm curious what people will have to say. I attempted to take what I felt were the strongest and most positive points from each of my queries and blended them into one. 

 

 

 

Healing the sick and infirm comes naturally to Keirann, but so does pounding soldiers into the dirt on a sunny afternoon.

 

Keirann has wanted nothing more than to be a soldier or a healer, but being born into a family dedicated to the Faith means a life of wanted obeisance. Struggling to escape the shadow of her abusive father, Keirann’s life is turned upside down when he returns home with a devastating ultimatum: Succeed in following her mother’s footsteps as High Priestess or be forced into an unwanted marriage. For Keirann, this is a fate worse than death, trapped in a life beholden to the will of family and society. She is determined to forge a future of her own choosing, and so she plots her escape.

 

Except when Keirann accidentally mires herself in the machinations of a religious cult, she finds herself in the possession of an ancient artifact. A mysterious voice whispers promises of aid if she keeps it safe and villagers begin calling her the Feyling, a creature of ancient myth who is said to have bartered her soul and lover, to seal away unimaginable evil.

 

She runs, and with the artifact in hand Keirann soon becomes the target of mercenaries more than willing to spill innocent blood to get what they want. Twin destinies collide and Keirann finds herself on the fast track to a fate she despised. Teetering on the edge, she struggles to balance her desire for freedom with a rising sense of duty.

 

For turning back brings with it dangers all its own. If Keirann allows the artifact to end up in the wrong hands, she risks more than just her freedom and life. She risks plunging the world into ruinous chaos.


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#75 PureZhar3

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Posted 03 May 2018 - 08:12 PM

​Howdy folks. So, I am posting this up because I'm curious what people will have to say. I attempted to take what I felt were the strongest and most positive points from each of my queries and blended them into one. 

 

 

 

Healing the sick and infirm comes naturally to Keirann, but so does pounding soldiers into the dirt on a sunny afternoon. ​good hook

 

Keirann has wanted nothing more than to be a soldier or ​this is minor, but the "or" was intentional, right? as opposed to wanting to be both a soldier and a healer? a healer, but being born into a family dedicated to the Faith means a life of wanted obeisance. Struggling to escape the shadow of her abusive father, Keirann’s life is turned upside down when he returns home with a devastating ultimatum: Succeed in following ​there must be a more concise, smoother way to say this... maybe you could cut out the "succeed in"? her mother’s footsteps as High Priestess or be forced into an unwanted marriage. For Keirann, this is a fate worse than death, trapped in a life beholden to the will of family and society. She is determined to forge a future of her own choosing, and so she plots her escape.

 

Except when Keirann accidentally mires herself in the machinations of a religious cult, she finds herself in the possession of an ancient artifact. A mysterious voice whispers promises of aid ​this might go smoother if you said "a mysterious voice promises aid"... also, if the voice is coming from the artifact, you might consider making that clearer if she keeps it safe​comma and villagers begin calling her the Feyling, a creature of ancient myth who is said to have bartered her soul and lover, to seal away unimaginable evil. ​this whole sentence is a tad long and confusing, but only because of the depth of detail. If you can provide a bit more clarity on the voice and what it is/where it's coming from, that would be good. And then I would make the villagers a different sentence.

 

She runs, and with the artifact in hand Keirann soon becomes the target of mercenaries more than willing to spill innocent blood to get what they want. Twin destinies collide ​I'm not sure what this means and Keirann finds herself on the fast track to a fate she despised . Teetering on the edge, she struggles to balance her desire for freedom with a rising sense of duty. ​I can tell there' s a lot of tension and choices to be made here... problem is, I'm not completely sure what they are. You were doing great with details up until this point... if you can concisely bring in some details on how she finds herself on this fast track to the fate she despised (great phrase by the way!), it would help a lot

 

For turning back brings with it dangers all its own. If Keirann allows the artifact to end up in the wrong hands, she risks more than just her freedom and life. She risks plunging the world into ruinous chaos. ​Hmm. I think this is strong, but it doesn't fully resonate because of the previous paragraph

 

Hey Brooke! I'm sorry about my lack of response to your message... it took me longer than I wanted to get back to this, but here I am. You did great adding details/specifics! This is really good; its power fell off a bit in the second to last paragraph, where everything got a bit too abstract again. Try to work in concrete details like you did in the previous paragraphs, and this will be really strong.


If you have time, I'd appreciate it if you took a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...-realismsci-fi/






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