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Tangled Threads (Fantasy Epic)

Fiction Fantasy Adventure

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#21 BrookeJS

BrookeJS

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Posted 16 April 2018 - 10:41 PM

Holy cow!  If I were an agent, I'd be requesting the full on this one, no joke!  I can't see anything I'd change.  Others may feel otherwise, but I feel this is ready

 

Well thank you very much! =)


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...epic/?p=355403 

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#22 BrookeJS

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Posted Yesterday, 03:14 PM

​Okay, reposting and bumping for attention. I noticed a mistake I made, I repeated the phrase "great power" twice. I have a few options. The one below I exchanged the line in the final paragraph to "wanting its power for themselves", referring to the stone. I can remove the phrase after the line in which she is told she is the "Feyling" or just delete it altogether after the line that people are now chasing after her. Feedback appreciated!!

 

 

 

The Feyling is a creature of myth and legend. Folk claim that, long ago, the Feyling bartered her soul, and her lover, for the power to seal away unimaginable evil. The tale has always been just that – a story – an analogy for the goddesses love for the world.

 

That is until Keirann accidentally releases a mystical stone from an ancient shrine. Engulfed in a blaze of light, a voice sounds in her head – declaring her Feyling, bearer of great power and promising to aid her in defeating coming catastrophe. Witnesses of the event begin spreading word of the old prophesy. It doesn’t help that Keirann is one of eight candidates to become High Priestess of the Faith.

 

Two fates converge and Keirann, feeling suffocated and afraid, decides to run away. She never wanted the role of High Priestess, let alone the mantle of Feyling. She doesn’t believe in the goddess and she certainly doesn’t believe in ancient myths. The Faith has only ever caused her pain and loss, taking and abusing where it will. She would rather spend her days hunting, experimenting with herbal remedies, and carousing with local soldiers. Keirann decides she will forge her own destiny, regardless of the machinations of those closest to her.

 

Soon, however, agents of calamity and war begin to come for her and the stone – wanting its power for themselves. Keirann flees her twin destinies but she swiftly learns her choices have deadly consequences. Now Keirann must choose: sacrifice her freedom or continue forward, putting at risk all she left behind.


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...epic/?p=355403 

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#23 mkuriel

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Posted Yesterday, 06:58 PM

The Feyling is a creature of myth and legend. [this first sentence ends rather abruptly and doesn't offer anything that suggests why a Feyling is different from a chimera or a dragon. Suggest: The Feyling is a mythical creature who always saves the Faithful from catastrophe.] Folk claim that, long ago, the Feyling bartered her soul, and her lover, for the power to seal away unimaginable evil. The tale has always been just that – a story – an analogy for the goddess' love for the world.

 

That is until Keirann accidentally releases a mystical stone from an ancient shrine. Engulfed in a blaze of light, a voice sounds in her head – declaring her Feyling, bearer of great power and promising to aid her in defeating coming catastrophe. Witnesses [contradiction. How do other people witness the declaration of a mental voice? All they'd see is a blaze of light. And grammatically, the previous sentence says that a mental voice was engulfed in light. It's funny, that sentence didn't bother me when I read it the first time but the more I read it, the more I realize how all over the place it is. I'm certain that you mean: While light from the stone blinds her, a voice declares her Feyling. Then the stupid thing talks in her head, refusing to shut up about how it's going to help her avert some "impending catastrophe." (admittedly, I'm taking some liberties with Keirann's voice)] of the event  begin [wordy, redundant] spreading word of the old prophesy. It doesn’t help that Keirann is one of eight candidates to become High Priestess of the Faith.

 

Two fates converge and Keirann, feeling suffocated and afraid, decides to run away. She never wanted the role of High Priestess, let alone the mantle of Feyling. She doesn’t believe in the goddess and she certainly doesn’t believe in ancient myths. The Faith has only ever caused her pain and loss, taking and abusing where it will. She would rather spend her days hunting, experimenting with herbal remedies, and carousing with local soldiers. Keirann decides she will forge her own destiny, regardless of the machinations of those closest to her. [Does she only decide, or does she do something? I.e. After deciding to forge her own destiny, Keirann flees the Temple, living as a traveling herbalist.]

 

Soon, however, agents of calamity and war begin to come for her and the stone – wanting its power for themselves. Keirann flees her twin destinies but she swiftly learns her choices have deadly consequences. Now Keirann must choose: sacrifice her freedom or continue forward, putting at risk all she left behind. [The second sentence doesn't deliver anything concrete; my trouble with this last paragraph is that I've no idea what "continuing forward" means, only a vague idea of what she's putting at risk, and can only guess what the agents have to do with it all. Suggest painting a picture: After witnessing an agent of calamity beat a woman senseless after she fails to hand over the mystical stone, Keriann faces a choice: return to the Faithful, succumb to prophesy, or live freely on her own terms and risk handing unimaginable power to ruthless killers.]

 

It's getting there, well done!

 

I accept all feedback: http://agentquerycon...2-red-initiate/







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