2 replies to this topic

[A. Wass]

I would love to hear your thoughts on my first page of this MS. Thank you! Leave me a link if you'd like it reciprocated.

 

CHAPTER 1

JASON

After months of searching, I finally had a name.

 

Sophie Meyer.

 

I found her. The last person on my list. The last recipient I hadn’t met. The last piece of my sister.

 

My cousin, Chris, nudged me in the ribs. “Earth to Jason.”

 

I looked up from the piece of paper in my hand, a printout of a small town news article titled Local Girl Gets Transplant. “Sorry, what?”

 

“I asked you what you’re going to do now,” he said, shifting his weight to the edge of the couch in my living room.

 

“I’m going to go to this town and find her.” The conversation we needed to have could only be done in person.

 

“Isn’t that like, an eight-hour drive?”

 

Dread twisted my gut. I hadn’t been in a car that long since the accident. I wasn’t sure I could handle driving that far, but it wasn’t like I could just message her online. What would I say? Hi there. My name’s Jason, and I cyberstalked you because you have my little sister’s lungs. I would get blocked at best, reported at worst.

 

“I’ll deal with it,” I told him.

 

“I could come with?”

 

I shook my head. “No, I need to do this alone.”

 

He nodded, guessing my answer before I said it. “Okay, man. Good luck. I got to get to work, but I thought you’d want to see the article.”

 

“Thanks. You have no idea what this means to me.”

 

He gave my shoulder a tight squeeze as he got up and left. “I have an idea.”

 

But he didn’t. No one did. Finding Sophie was the last part of my plan. A plan no one knew about. A plan to make this heartache go away. My way of atoning for what I did. Megan was dead, and it was my fault.

 

I had to right my wrong. And Sophie was the key.

[rhwashere]

You’ve got a pretty solid first page here. I really like the opening sentence and the little hints you drop as to Jason’s intentions are done in a way that really spark interest (i.e.: “the last piece of my sister”, “you have my sister’s lungs”).

I don’t think you need the “blocked at best, reported at worst” sentence. End the paragraph on “my little sister’s lungs” to make that great statement stand out.

The only question I have is why is a guy who simply brought Jason a newspaper printout suddenly willing to drive 8 hours with him? That might be answered later, but it struck me as a little odd.

Other than that, great writing! If you have a chance, my first page is here: http://agentquerycon...580#entry350580

[michaelblaine]

I think it's pretty solid.  As an unpublished, unagented writer, I added my humble suggestions in the quoted section.  I like it, though.  Really captured my interest.

 

I would love to hear your thoughts on my first page of this MS. Thank you! Leave me a link if you'd like it reciprocated.

 

CHAPTER 1

JASON

After months of searching, I finally had a name.

 

Sophie Meyer.

 

I found her. The last person on my list. The last recipient I hadn’t met. The last piece of my sister.

 

My cousin, Chris, nudged me in the ribs. “Earth to Jason.”

 

I looked up from the piece of paper in my hand, a printout of a small town news article titled Local Girl Gets Transplant. “Sorry, what?”

 

“I asked you what you’re going to do now,” he said, shifting his weight to the edge of the couch in my living room.

 

“I’m going to go to this town and find her.” The conversation we needed to have could only be done in person. (Although I understand this, it comes off a bit awkward.  Who are "we"?  Also, your MC needed to have the conversation.  Unaware of your MC's motives, did the lung transplant recipient need to have it?)

 

“Isn’t that like, an eight-hour drive?”

 

Dread twisted my gut. I hadn’t been in a car that long since the accident. I wasn’t sure I could handle driving that far, but it wasn’t like I could just message her online. (Lots of negatives in the space of two sentences.  Maybe reword to avoid that?)  What would I say? Hi there. My name’s Jason, and I cyberstalked you because you have my little sister’s lungs. I would get blocked at best, reported at worst.

 

“I’ll deal with it,” I told him.

 

“I could come with?”

 

I shook my head. “No, I need to do this alone.”

 

He nodded, guessing my answer before I said it. “Okay, man. Good luck. I got to get to work, but I thought you’d want to see the article.”

 

“Thanks. You have no idea what this means to me.”

 

He gave my shoulder a tight squeeze as he got up and left. “I have an idea.”

 

But he didn’t. No one did. Finding Sophie was the last part of my plan. A plan no one knew about. A plan to make this heartache go away. My way of atoning for what I did. Megan was dead, and it was my fault.

 

I had to right my wrong. And Sophie was the key.