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UNTITLED-DYSTOPIAN ADULT FICTION


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#1 BG Young

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Posted 12 April 2018 - 10:07 AM

               The prisoners called it the Goliath.  A massively tall, red brick building reinforced by steel walls and bulletproof windows.  The Sovereign flag was mounted on top.  It waved forcefully above its conquered subordinate, the American flag.  A large yellow star was placed in center with four smaller stars resigning in each corner and a red back drop to signify the five countries that dominated the world.  The entire power of Krono Prison rested in that building.  Lillian Kim had only entered it once.

               Seven years ago, she was stabbed multiple times in the torso.  Enough holes to catch herself in desperate need for an intestine transplant.  A miracle to find in itself.  Lily always thought that whosever drain pipes she owned now had belonged to someone who carried all their nerves in their stomach.  When her anxiety kicked in, she could go without eating for days.  Before the operation, she could eat like a hog.  It would be no surprise that her donor was a bad stress case.  But who wasn’t.

               After the incident, the officers in the Goliath interrogated her.  But Lily refused to give up her attempted killer’s name.  Robin Monrovia.  She guessed at the time that they were trying to make a jailhouse snitch out of her.  After all, Lily was a new fish with a Life sentence, an invaluable resource.  It wasn’t long before she discovered that the prison guards were strongly divided themselves between those who were actually loyal to the sons of bitches who subjugated them, and those still loyal to their nation.  The Resistance.



#2 Springfield

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Posted 12 April 2018 - 01:08 PM

               The prisoners called it the Goliath.  A massively tall, red brick building reinforced by steel walls and bulletproof windows.  The Sovereign flag was mounted on top.  It waved forcefully above its conquered subordinate, the American flag.  A large yellow star was placed in center with four smaller stars resigning in each corner and a red back drop to signify the five countries that dominated the world.  The entire power of Krono Prison rested in that building.  Lillian Kim had only entered it once.

               Seven years ago, she was stabbed multiple times in the torso.  Enough holes to catch herself in desperate need for an intestine transplant.  A miracle to find in itself.  Lily always thought that whosever drain pipes she owned now had belonged to someone who carried all their nerves in their stomach.  When her anxiety kicked in, she could go without eating for days.  Before the operation, she could eat like a hog.  It would be no surprise that her donor was a bad stress case.  But who wasn’t.

               After the incident, the officers in the Goliath interrogated her.  But Lily refused to give up her attempted killer’s name.  Robin Monrovia.  She guessed at the time that they were trying to make a jailhouse snitch out of her.  After all, Lily was a new fish with a Life sentence, an invaluable resource.  It wasn’t long before she discovered that the prison guards were strongly divided themselves between those who were actually loyal to the sons of bitches who subjugated them, and those still loyal to their nation.  The Resistance.

 

Hi -- 

 

I'm not sure if it's a stylistic thing you're attempting or what, but I found the fragments and nonstandard phrasing made this very hard to read. 



#3 BG Young

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Posted 12 April 2018 - 02:48 PM

Hi Springfield, 

 

I guess it is my style but I should limit when I use the fragments.  Thanks for the feedback.



#4 JoQwerty

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Posted 14 April 2018 - 10:41 AM

Different people like different styles, so use whatever you are comfortable with. Don't force it.

 

Style aside, what you have here is all background. It seems Lily is in a bad prison for life. Maybe she deserved it because she is a terrorist -- we don't know yet, but I am sure we will find out. In the meantime, what is she doing in the now of the story? What does she want now, at this moment in your story? Maybe she wants a glass of water, but the guards won't give it to her because they are so sadistic. Opening with the character doing something in the now of the story, is more interesting to the reader than opening with pure background.



#5 BG Young

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Posted 14 April 2018 - 01:06 PM

Thanks JoQwerty, that was really helpful.  Do you think I should save the background towards the end of the chapter???  Or not in the first chapter at all??



#6 JoQwerty

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Posted 15 April 2018 - 01:56 AM

You will build more tension, thereby making the story more interesting, if you spread the background information out instead of putting it all in one place. Trickle it out on a "need-to-know" basis, keep the reader off balance. First make us understand Lily is in a bad situation, then show us it is worse than we thought because she is not living in the US of the 21st century, but in some dystopian state of the future.



#7 rhwashere

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Posted 17 April 2018 - 02:14 PM

               The prisoners called it the Goliath.  A massively tall, red brick building reinforced by steel walls and bulletproof windows.  The Sovereign flag was mounted on top.  It waved forcefully above its conquered subordinate, the American flag. (I think saying "subordinate" sends the message of the country having been conquered without you needed to explicitly say so)  A large yellow star was placed in center with four smaller stars resigning in each corner and a red back drop to signify the five countries that dominated the world.  The entire power of Krono Prison rested in that building.  Lillian Kim had only entered it once.

               Seven years ago, she was stabbed multiple times in the torso.  Enough holes to catch herself in desperate need for an intestine transplant.  A miracle to find in itself. (This strikes me as too many clipped sentences in a row. I get that its a stylistic choice, but too many of these in a row becomes gimmicky, in my opinion.) Lily always thought that whosever (I'm not sure if this is a word; if it is, it sounds awkward) drain pipes she owned now had belonged to someone who carried all their nerves in their stomach.  When her anxiety kicked in, she could go without eating for days.  Before the operation, she could eat like a hog.  It would be no surprise that her donor was a bad stress case.  But who wasn’t. (Saying it would be no surprise in the previous sentence makes "But who wasn't" redundant.)

               After the incident, the officers in the Goliath interrogated her.  But Lily refused to give up her attempted killer’s name.  Robin Monrovia.  She guessed at the time that they were trying to make a jailhouse snitch out of her.  After all, Lily was a new fish with a Life sentence, an invaluable resource.  It wasn’t long before she discovered that the prison guards were strongly divided themselves between those who were actually loyal to the sons of bitches who subjugated them, and those still loyal to their nation (Wouldn't it be the conqueror's nation now?).  The Resistance.

 

All in all, I think you have an interesting concept, but this feels like too much backstory. I would recommend starting with you main character in the first paragraph and have her doing something. You could include some of this stuff through her reflecting on this incident.

 

My favorite sentence(s) have to do with Lily's intestines, honestly. It's original and interesting, and I think it would be cool if you started the story with that. Something like, "Whoever owned these intestines before Lily must have carried all their nerves in their gut." This would especially be effective if Lily was in the process of doing something dangerous. That would make me sit up and say, "Whaat? I've got to see where this is going."

 

Anyway, I hope that helps. If it does, please take a look at my 250 words: http://agentquerycon...-revised-41218/


Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...51718/?p=356935





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