Thanks for your helpful feedback on my own query! It's so helpful to see how other people's queries evolve. Yours has come a long way. The concept is intriguing and I think you're close to nailing it.
April 29, 2018
Hi everyone, this is my most recent draft!
Quite a few of you mentioned that I should change electric poles to an electric fence, but this is not the word that represents what I mean. These electric poles are more like capacitors with invisible tesla coils located in the ocean surrounding the island. I don't know how to say this without being too wordy, but if anyone has suggestions, please let me know!
Condemned to an island surrounded by electric poles (maybe give just a few words of description here - are the poles dangerous? Do they shock the people trying to leave?), the citizens of the Western Division live in dilapidated huts with nothing to eat but cold pea soup. Enduring back-breaking labor, harsh laws, and public whippings, Rachel Ives wants nothing more than to escape and protect her emotionally fragile sister (I think 'emotionally fragile' is good to include here if that's what she is, otherwise people will wonder why she needs protection). But the Originators offer only two options: silent obedience to
thethis cruel way of life—or to be dragged off by the town watchmen and never return. "To be dragged off" reads as passive voice to me. Maybe something like "silent obedience to this cruel way of life under the eyes of the town watchmen - or disappearing, never to return."
To her horror, her sister is taken
by the watchmen(seems repetitive after the last sentence, and 'taken' could be replaced by a more powerful verb like 'snatched') and in an unprecedented move (unprecedented why? Is it crucial to say that? I think you could leave it out, the sentence flows better without it), her best friend Zander is among the few chosen by the Originators to help further their oppressive regime.
A strange incident finally gives Rachel hope: a young man named Keith, unlisted in the government records, arrives at her workhouse claiming that her deceased father is very much alive, and
that hehas uncovered a secret governmental machine that strips away not only memories, but everything that makes someone human.
With time running out, hoping to find her father, and trying to save her sister and everyone else from a terrible fate, she risks trusting Keith, following him on a dangerous mission to destroy the machine. This sentence is a little awkward to me. I would reword it to something like, "Rachel is desperate to find her father and save everyone else from a terrible fate, but time is running out. Trusting Keith is a risk and the mission will be dangerous, but she's got to fid a way to destroy that machine. Except (I'd prefer a transitional phrase like 'She soon learns' here to flow better into 'But' in the next sentence) there is a deeper evil in the generator that powers the island, where any means of escape
floods the islandtriggers a flood, killing the entire civilization. But there is a glitch in the system , and.If they are able tocan find it in time, it will be the only thing that can save them. (Am I giving away too much in the end? Should I tie it up earlier?) I don't think so.
THE ISLAND is a Young Adult Science Fiction Novel complete at 96,000 words.