Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
* * * * * 1 votes

The Island (YA Science Fiction/Dystopian) UPDATE ON POST #22

Fiction Adventure Commercial Fiction Young Adult Science Fiction

  • Please log in to reply
24 replies to this topic

#21 Oldborne

Oldborne

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 39 posts
  • Literary Status:self-published, unagented
  • LocationUnited Kingdom

Posted 18 April 2018 - 01:19 AM

Version 2.0 April 16, 2018

 

Dear Agent,

 

Rachel Ives is condemned to an island of horrors, aching to escape to the Nation, a place of freedom that she's only heard whispers about. I don't think the Nation should be mentioned in this paragraph. Make it all about the island. Why exactly is it horrific?

This Paragraph should then be about the Nation and how Rachel wants to get to it. 
The Supremes have made that impossible, giving the citizens two options: Hunger, cruel laws, ritualistic sacrifices, hard labor, whippings, sickness, and constant paranoia under the guise of unity and prosperity—or to be taken by the watchmen that police the town, an even worse fate. This doesn't really read like two choices. The first 'choice' is just a list of bad things and the second is vague to the point that it doesn't really mean anything to the uninformed reader. I'd do away with this 'choices' portion altogether and find another way to express the tyranny of the Supremes.     

To her horror horror is used already, her sister who she vowed to protect is taken, her own mother betrays her, and her best friend, the person she trusted most in the world, is sent to help the very government that aims to destroy her and everyone she loves. 

After a young man arrives to her workhouse claiming he knows her deceased father, she soon discovers that they are both a part of a much larger plan this implies that she didn't know she was part of any sort of plan. How could she not know? Unless the 'they' refers to her deceased father? to destroy what they believe is the most important asset to the Supremes—a machine that wipes away memories and controls the mind.

But Rachel soon 'X soon X' is fine if used sparingly. You used it in the paragraph above so I'd recommend rewording this comes to realize that this is only the tip of the iceberg: even with the machine destroyed, they aren’t safe. A little vague.

Hoping to find a way to escape This isn't new, she's been hoping to escape since the start of the query. Maybe now she's determined?, she embarks on a dangerous mission to save not only her sister, but thousands of innocent people marked for a fate worse than death vague, what fate?. With the odds against her, more citizens being taken by the day, a dangerous lockdown, and even harsher punishments, Rachel must navigate the chaos to find the one loophole vague that can save her people, but only if she will be able to find it in time… There's a little too much happening in the stakes. If you simplify and remove vagueness they'll appear a lot more threatening.  

THE ISLAND is a Young Adult Dystopian Novel complete at 96,000 words.  

 

I breezed over the first draft of this and you're certainly moving in the right direction but things are still a bit muddled and bogged down. You've got a bunch of vague sentences going on that you'll want to clarify but I can see a cool story in this. I'm sure you'll manage to sculpt this query into something great.

Best of luck. 


All feedback appreciated: http://agentquerycon...ust-sf-mystery/

 


#22 Bkrasnik

Bkrasnik

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 26 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Midwest
  • Publishing Experience:My short stories have been published in Red Shoes Review, Calliope, and the Zodiac Review. I have also published a writing article in Black Fox literary magazine.

Posted Yesterday, 02:37 PM

Version 3.0 April 21

Hi everyone, thank you for the feedback thus far! I tried to address as many of the issues as possible. Hopefully, this is a step in the right direction. Once again, I appreciate any critique and will return the favor! 

 

Condemned to an island surrounded by electric poles, the citizens of the Western Division live in dilapidated huts with nothing to eat but buckets of margarine and cold pea soup. Enduring back breaking labor, strict laws, and public whippings, Rachel wants nothing more than to escape and protect her emotionally fragile sister. But the Supremes offer only two options: Silent obedience to the cruel way of life—or to be dragged off by the town watchmen, an even worse fate.

To her horror, her sister is taken and her best friend is sent to help the very Government that aims to destroy them.  

A strange incident finally gives Rachel hope: a young man named Keith, unlisted in the government records, arrives at her workhouse claiming to know her deceased father. She soon discovers he is part of a much larger plan to destroy the Supremes’ greatest asset: an impenetrable machine that strips away not only memories, but everything that makes someone human.

With time running out, nightmares of losing her sister forever, the unwitting betrayal of her best friend, and trying to save everyone from a terrible fate, she risks trusting Keith, following him on a dangerous mission to destroy the machine…only to find out there is a deeper evil in the generator that powers the island. As they piece together the last of the puzzle, they realize that an ultimate escape will kill the entire civilization on the island. But there is a glitch in the system, and if they are able to find it in time it will be the only thing that can save them.

THE ISLAND is a Young Adult Science Fiction Novel complete at 96,000 words.  (Based on the query, do you feel that this book would fit in the Science Fiction genre?)


Have a moment to offer up some very much appreciated feedback? :)

My Young Adult Dystopian Query: http://agentquerycon...ate-on-post-15/


#23 Dasein

Dasein

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 77 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS West Coast
  • Publishing Experience:I have published an academic book that won a prize and many scholarly articles. No fiction, though.

Posted Yesterday, 02:42 PM

Hi everyone, thank you for the feedback thus far! I tried to address as many of the issues as possible. Hopefully, this is a step in the right direction. Once again, I appreciate any critique and will return the favor!

Condemned to an island [/size]surrounded by electric poles, the citizens of the Western Division live in dilapidated huts with nothing to eat but buckets of margarine and cold pea soup. Enduring back breaking labor, strict laws, and public whippings, [/size]Rachel wants nothing more than to escape and protect her emotionally fragile sister. But the Supremes [/size]offer only two options: Silent obedience to the cruel way of life—or to be dragged off by the town watchmen, an even worse fate.[/size]
To her horror, her sister is taken and her best friend is sent to help the very Government that aims to destroy them. [/size]
A strange incident finally gives Rachel hope: a young man named Keith, unlisted in the government records, arrives at her workhouse claiming to know her deceased father. She soon discovers he is part of a much larger plan to destroy the Supremes’ greatest asset: an impenetrable machine that strips away not only memories, but everything that makes someone human. [/size]
With time running out, nightmares of losing her sister forever, the unwitting betrayal of her best friend, and trying to save everyone from a terrible fate, she risks trusting Keith, following him on a dangerous mission to destroy the machine…only to find out there is a deeper evil in the generator that powers the island. As they piece together the last of the puzzle, they realize that an ultimate escape will kill the entire civilization on the island. But there is a glitch in the system, and if they are able to find it in time it will be the only thing that can save them.[/size]
THE ISLAND is a Young Adult Science Fiction Novel complete at 96,000 words. (Based on the query, do you feel that this book would fit in the Science Fiction genre?) [/size]


"surrounded by electric poles" I think you mean surrounded by an electric fence.

"with nothing to eat but buckets of margarine and cold pea soup." Take out the margarine part. It sounds too weird, and takes attention off what you want to say.

Also, can you use another name than the Supremes? In the US this means 2 things: an all girl pop group and the justices on the Supreme Court. Readers will be distracted by this too.

My query is under Spirits of Another Sort.

#24 BetsyEm

BetsyEm

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 41 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted Yesterday, 02:47 PM

Version 2.0 April 16, 2018

 

Dear Agent,

 

Rachel Ives how old is she? is condemned to an island of horrors, aching to escape to the Nation, a place of freedom that she only heard whispers about.

The Supremes have made that impossible, giving the citizens two options: Hunger, cruel laws, ritualistic sacrifices, hard labor, whippings, sickness, and constant paranoia under the guise of unity and prosperity—or to be taken by the watchmen that police the town, an even worse fate.  

To her horror, her sister who she vowed to protect is taken, her own mother betrays her, we hear about her mom here and then never again. Is she important? and her best friend, the person she trusted most in the world, is sent to help the very government that aims to destroy her and everyone she loves. How does her best friend affect Rachel's goals? Does she have to fight against her in the final action scenes? 

After a young man arrives to her workhouse claiming he knows her deceased father, knows, like present-tense? Is he alive? Thought-to-be-deceased? Either the tense should be changed, or we should find out it's possible he's still alive she soon discovers that they are both a part of a much larger plan to destroy what they believe is the most important asset to the Supremes—a machine that wipes away memories and controls the mind.

But Rachel soon comes to realize that this is only the tip of the iceberg: even with the machine destroyed, they aren’t safe.

Hoping to find a way to escape, she embarks on a dangerous mission to save not only her sister, but thousands of innocent people marked for a fate worse than death. With the odds against her, more citizens being taken by the day, a dangerous lockdown, and even harsher punishments, something specific here would be nice Rachel must navigate the chaos to find the one loophole that can save her people, but only if she will be able to find it in time… I wouldn't end with an elipsis here. Does she know that she's after a loophole? Is she after defeating the Supremes, or is she looking to escape like you mentino in your first paragraph?

THE ISLAND is a Young Adult Dystopian Novel complete at 96,000 words.  

 

Great strides from the first version! 

 

I think you have some pretty high stakes, which is great! Clarifying what's on the line will help make this stronger. 

 

I'm also wondering about your young man. What's his name? Since Rachel is your only named character you can totally afford to call him out. What role does he play in helping Rachel solve this thing? 

 

This story sounds really tense and fast-paced! Good luck! 


Currently working on my query for The Great and Terrible Carter Dynasty


#25 Bkrasnik

Bkrasnik

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 26 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Midwest
  • Publishing Experience:My short stories have been published in Red Shoes Review, Calliope, and the Zodiac Review. I have also published a writing article in Black Fox literary magazine.

Posted Today, 02:33 AM

Bump


Have a moment to offer up some very much appreciated feedback? :)

My Young Adult Dystopian Query: http://agentquerycon...ate-on-post-15/






Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Fiction, Adventure, Commercial Fiction, Young Adult, Science Fiction

0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users