Version 2.0 April 16, 2018
Rachel Ives is condemned to an island of horrors, aching to escape to the Nation, a place of freedom that she's only heard whispers about. I don't think the Nation should be mentioned in this paragraph. Make it all about the island. Why exactly is it horrific?
This Paragraph should then be about the Nation and how Rachel wants to get to it.
The Supremes have made that impossible, giving the citizens two options: Hunger, cruel laws, ritualistic sacrifices, hard labor, whippings, sickness, and constant paranoia under the guise of unity and prosperity—or to be taken by the watchmen that police the town, an even worse fate. This doesn't really read like two choices. The first 'choice' is just a list of bad things and the second is vague to the point that it doesn't really mean anything to the uninformed reader. I'd do away with this 'choices' portion altogether and find another way to express the tyranny of the Supremes.
To her horror horror is used already, her sister who she vowed to protect is taken, her own mother betrays her, and her best friend, the person she trusted most in the world, is sent to help the very government that aims to destroy her and everyone she loves.
After a young man arrives to her workhouse claiming he knows her deceased father, she soon discovers that they are both a part of a much larger plan this implies that she didn't know she was part of any sort of plan. How could she not know? Unless the 'they' refers to her deceased father? to destroy
what they believe isthe most important asset to the Supremes—a machine that wipes away memories and controls the mind.
But Rachel soon 'X soon X' is fine if used sparingly. You used it in the paragraph above so I'd recommend rewording this comes to realize that this is only the tip of the iceberg: even with the machine destroyed, they aren’t safe. A little vague.
Hoping to find a way to escape This isn't new, she's been hoping to escape since the start of the query. Maybe now she's determined?, she embarks on a dangerous mission to save not only her sister, but thousands of innocent people marked for a fate worse than death vague, what fate?. With the odds against her, more citizens being taken by the day, a dangerous lockdown, and even harsher punishments, Rachel must navigate the chaos to find the one loophole vague that can save her people, but only if she will be able to find it in time… There's a little too much happening in the stakes. If you simplify and remove vagueness they'll appear a lot more threatening.
THE ISLAND is a Young Adult Dystopian Novel complete at 96,000 words.
I breezed over the first draft of this and you're certainly moving in the right direction but things are still a bit muddled and bogged down. You've got a bunch of vague sentences going on that you'll want to clarify but I can see a cool story in this. I'm sure you'll manage to sculpt this query into something great.
Best of luck.