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My Criminal Career (Fiction Crime)


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#1 Lances

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Posted 13 April 2018 - 08:11 PM

When DEAN is made unemployed, he decides to visit his mother. On the same day, his girlfriend breaks up with him.
On his way to his mother's, his car breaks down. Shortly after, he finds himself in a situation where he is forced to kill two drug dealers. He also witnesses a person being killed by a politician over a video on a cellphone, of which he gets possession.
Dean meets MALCOLM, one of his contacts in the motorbike gang underworld. He pays him for the killing of the two drug dealers and also buys the phone with the video of the politician.
Malcolm introduces Dean to BORIS, who stores stolen guns at Dean's house.
Dean's long-term friend TONY invites Dean to join him selling drugs. Dean is doing freelance computer work for GIOVANNI, who is a mutual friend of Tony.
Dean teams up with Tony selling marijuana to homes and in nightclubs. Tony then persuades Dean to leave his comfort zone and buy cocaine and ecstasy. Dean steals Tony's car so that Tony can make a fraudulent insurance claim.
Dean visits the Philippines to meet with staff who are working on websites for him. He contemplates trafficking girls from there to Australia.
He steals a car from Giovanni for the same purpose he did for Tony, but it does not go smoothly.
He looks at buying a house. He does not realize that the contacts provided by Malcolm are helping Malcolm steal Dean's identity. Malcolm uses this to take out loans and perform other fraudulent transactions.
Dean takes stock of his life. He realises he has made some bad decisions and looks for a way out. He decides to concentrate on using his computer skills legally.
One of his website clients is a biker whose brother is killed in an airport. Dean now becomes a target for the police investigating criminal motorcycle gangs.
He meets an Argentinian stewardess on an online dating site who starts supplying him with cocaine, and they eventually begin a relationship.
Tony is getting into difficulty because of selling drugs in another gang's territory.
Dean is accused by Malcolm of dealing drugs, this confirms to Malcolm is working with the police.
Dean is kidnapped by the politician's henchmen but rescued by Boris.
Dean is arrested for the theft of Giovanni's car but released due to lack of evidence. He is then arrested again and charged for the fraud that Malcolm has conducted, and is now facing serious charges.
The politician is staking out Dean's house. Malcolm goes there to threaten Dean but instead shoots the politician dead.
Dean's fraud case is dismissed by the judge. The police threaten Dean with more charges if he does not co-operate with them to testify against Malcolm.
Dean flies to Argentina only to find out that his girlfriend has a new man. He returns to Australia to find his ex-girlfriend waiting for him.

#2 galaxyspinner

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Posted 19 April 2018 - 05:54 PM

When DEAN is made unemployed, he decides to visit his mother. On the same day, his girlfriend breaks up with him.
On his way to his mother's, his car breaks down. Shortly after, he finds himself in a situation where he is forced to kill two drug dealers. (I'd take a look at your sentence structure; by this point you've written four sentences in a row with the subordinate clause, comma, main clause formula. Mixing things up a bit is more pleasing to the reader. I'd also recommend organizing the ideas here better; something like "DEAN loses his job on the same day his girlfriend leaves him. He makes the decision to visit his mother, but his car breaks down on the way.") He also witnesses a person being killed by a politician over a video on a cellphone, of which he gets possession.
Dean meets MALCOLM, one of his contacts in the motorbike gang underworld. He pays him for the killing of the two drug dealers and also buys the phone with the video of the politician. (So far, this feels like a list of events with very little tying them together. We don't know why he was forced to kill drug dealers, or how he got into that situation, or how this pertains to the politician).
Malcolm introduces Dean to BORIS, who stores stolen guns at Dean's house.
Dean's long-term friend TONY invites Dean to join him selling drugs. Dean is doing freelance computer work for GIOVANNI, who is a mutual friend of Tony.
Dean teams up with Tony selling marijuana to homes and in nightclubs. Tony then persuades Dean to leave his comfort zone and buy cocaine and ecstasy. Dean steals Tony's car so that Tony can make a fraudulent insurance claim. (This is reading like a criminal rap sheet, but not like a story. You need to identify what the plot arc is, and make it clear to the reader.)
Dean visits the Philippines to meet with staff who are working on websites for him. He contemplates trafficking girls from there to Australia.
He steals a car from Giovanni for the same purpose he did for Tony, but it does not go smoothly. (There's a lot of telling without showing in this synopsis. For example, in this last sentence: If it's not worth explaining how it doesn't go smoothly, maybe you don't need this detail)
He looks at buying a house. He does not realize that the contacts provided by Malcolm are helping Malcolm steal Dean's identity. Malcolm uses this to take out loans and perform other fraudulent transactions.
Dean takes stock of his life. He realises he has made some bad decisions and looks for a way out. He decides to concentrate on using his computer skills legally.
One of his website clients is a biker whose brother is killed in an airport. Dean now becomes a target for the police investigating criminal motorcycle gangs.
He meets an Argentinian stewardess on an online dating site who starts supplying him with cocaine, and they eventually begin a relationship.
Tony is getting into difficulty because of selling drugs in another gang's territory.
Dean is accused by Malcolm of dealing drugs, this confirms to Malcolm is working with the police.
Dean is kidnapped by the politician's henchmen but rescued by Boris.
Dean is arrested for the theft of Giovanni's car but released due to lack of evidence. He is then arrested again and charged for the fraud that Malcolm has conducted, and is now facing serious charges.
The politician is staking out Dean's house. Malcolm goes there to threaten Dean but instead shoots the politician dead.
Dean's fraud case is dismissed by the judge. The police threaten Dean with more charges if he does not co-operate with them to testify against Malcolm.
Dean flies to Argentina only to find out that his girlfriend has a new man. He returns to Australia to find his ex-girlfriend waiting for him.


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