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NIGHT OF SORROWS (YA Fantasy)


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#1 spineofiron

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Posted 18 April 2018 - 10:05 PM

Been a while since I posted here! I'm knee-deep in my first WIP since graduating from university, and I thought it might be a good idea to wander over here and throw out my first 250 words to get some quick feedback. I'm nowhere near completion, let alone the querying stage, but writing's the fun part! Rip it to shreds!

 

It took Louise exactly eighteen seconds to scale the three-story trellis that lay against the side of the royal governor's house, and it only took that long because her shirt caught on a thorn. She wasn't the first of the Midnight Court pirates to break into the house this way – and she could guarantee that she wouldn't be the last – but she did take pride in being the fastest. Of course, Governor Raddock was an idiot to have kept the trellis up that long in the first place, but he was a sucker for pretty things, like the wall beneath her brimming with crimson and ochre roses. Which was good, because the Midnight Court also liked pretty things.

 

Especially if they had once belonged to someone else.

 

The second to last window on the right side of the top floor was unlocked, exactly like her aunt Gwen had told her it would be. It took her another three seconds to brace one boot on the edge of the wrought-iron balcony and push herself through the opening, silent as the lacy clouds that skirted the swollen yellow moon above her.

 

She dropped to the polished mahogany floor with a soft squeak of leather on marble and crouched against the wall under the window, legs shaking with leftover adrenaline from the trellis climb. A breeze slipped through the opening and made the gauzy curtains swish over her shoulders like phantom fingers.


"I am a fire escape. My spine is made of iron, my heart pumps out old red paint."

-- Foster the People

 

-- -- --

 

NIGHT OF SORROWS

Query

Hook

250 Words


#2 Author CJ Black

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Posted 22 April 2018 - 07:53 PM

Been a while since I posted here! I'm knee-deep in my first WIP since graduating from university, and I thought it might be a good idea to wander over here and throw out my first 250 words to get some quick feedback. I'm nowhere near completion, let alone the querying stage, but writing's the fun part! Rip it to shreds!

 

It took Louise exactly eighteen seconds to scale the three-story trellis that lay against the side of the royal governor's house, and it only took that long because her shirt caught on a thorn. She wasn't the first of the Midnight Court -- love this name!  pirates to break into the house this way – and she could guarantee that she wouldn't be the last – --have other people broken into the house this same way?  I see that you say that he is an idiot but  I'm just wondering if the man is robbed several times, wouldn't he take security precautions? but she did take pride in being the fastest. Of course, Governor Raddock was an idiot to have kept the trellis up that long in the first place, but he was a sucker for pretty things, like the wall beneath her brimming with crimson and ochre roses. Which was good, because the Midnight Court also liked pretty things.

 

Especially if they had once belonged to someone else.

 

The second to last window on the right side of the top floor was unlocked, exactly like her Aunt Gwen had told her it would be said. It took her another three seconds to brace one boot on the edge of the wrought-iron balcony and push herself through the opening, silent as the lacy clouds that skirted the swollen yellow moon above her. --I like this too!

 

She dropped to the polished mahogany floor with a soft squeak of leather on marble and crouched against the wall under the window, legs shaking with leftover adrenaline from the trellis climb. A breeze slipped through the opening and made the gauzy curtains swish over her shoulders like phantom fingers.

 

 

This is very intriguing and I hope to see it in on the shelves soon!  Except for those little things I mentioned this is a good start and I would definitely keep reading.  I believe the first sentence is a bit wordy but I'm not sure how to tell you to pare it down a bit.  Sorry about that.  And I'll be happy to look at your synopsis or query when the times comes!


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#3 spineofiron

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Posted 27 April 2018 - 07:44 AM

Thanks so much for your feedback! I appreciate your encouragement, too. :smile: I've worked a little bit more on the opening, chopping that first paragraph and trying to work a bit more on establishing the setting and the feelings that go with it. Rip it to shreds, part two!

 

It took Louise exactly eighteen seconds to break into the royal governor’s house.

 

She wasn’t the first of the Midnight Court pirates to enter the house by climbing the three-story trellis on the south wall – and she could guarantee that she wouldn’t be the last. But she did take pride in being the fastest, even in the tropical heat, with sweat itching her palms and plastering her shirt against her back.

 

Of course, Governor Raddock was an idiot to have kept the trellis up that long in the first place. But he was a sucker for pretty things, like the wall beneath her brimming with plum and lavender passion flowers. Which was good, because the Midnight Court also liked pretty things. Especially if they had once belonged to someone else.

 

The second to last window on the right side of the top floor was unlocked, exactly like her aunt Gwen had told her. She braced one boot on the edge of the wrought-iron balcony and pushed herself through the opening, silent as the lacy cloud that skirted the swollen yellow moon above her.

 

Louise dropped to the polished mahogany floor with a soft squeak of leather on wood and crouched against the wall under the window, legs shaking with leftover adrenaline from the trellis climb. A breeze slipped through the opening and made the gauzy curtains swish over her shoulders like phantom fingers.


"I am a fire escape. My spine is made of iron, my heart pumps out old red paint."

-- Foster the People

 

-- -- --

 

NIGHT OF SORROWS

Query

Hook

250 Words


#4 Bkrasnik

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Posted 01 May 2018 - 06:07 PM

Thanks so much for your feedback! I appreciate your encouragement, too. :smile: I've worked a little bit more on the opening, chopping that first paragraph and trying to work a bit more on establishing the setting and the feelings that go with it. Rip it to shreds, part two!

 

I read both versions, and your tweaks made the second one better. This is a great chapter. I really love your writing style and this chapter makes me want to read more. Good luck! 


Have a moment to offer up some very much appreciated feedback? :)

My Young Adult Dystopian Query: http://agentquerycon...ate-on-post-15/


#5 spineofiron

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Posted 01 May 2018 - 07:51 PM

That's so wonderful to hear! Thank you for taking the time to stop by, Bkrasnik.  :smile:


"I am a fire escape. My spine is made of iron, my heart pumps out old red paint."

-- Foster the People

 

-- -- --

 

NIGHT OF SORROWS

Query

Hook

250 Words


#6 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 04 May 2018 - 11:33 AM

It took Louise exactly eighteen seconds to break into the royal governor’s house.

 

She wasn’t the first of the Midnight Court pirates to enter the house by climbing the three-story trellis on the south wall – and she could guarantee that she wouldn’t be the last. But she did take pride in being the fastest, even in the tropical heat, with sweat itching her palms and plastering her shirt against her back. I would break up this last sentence into shorter ones to keep it more snappy to match the pace of her quickly breaking into a house.

 

Of course, Governor Raddock was an idiot to have kept the trellis up that long in the first place. But he was a sucker for pretty things, like the wall beneath her brimming with plum and lavender passion flowers. Which was good, because the Midnight Court also liked pretty things. Especially if they had once belonged to someone else.

 

The second to last window on the right side of the top floor was unlocked, exactly like her aunt Gwen had told her. She braced one boot on the edge of the wrought-iron balcony and pushed herself through the opening, silent as the lacy cloud that skirted the swollen yellow moon above her. Again, I don't think there's anything wrong with this, but breaking these sentences all up into shorter ones would help with the pacing.

 

Louise dropped to the polished mahogany floor with a soft squeak of leather on wood and crouched against the wall under the window, legs shaking with leftover adrenaline from the trellis climb. A breeze slipped through the opening and made the gauzy curtains swish over her shoulders like phantom fingers. hahha, again, all great, but break it up.  I'm intrigrugued, though.  I like this, and I want to know more.  I just think the pacing would be better if you shortened some of these sentences.  Apart from that, I think this is great.  I like your wording and style.



#7 spineofiron

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Posted 04 May 2018 - 12:06 PM

Thanks for stopping by, DisgruntledWriter! I like your suggestion about breaking up a few of the sentences. :happy: Thanks for catching that, and I appreciate the kind words as well!


"I am a fire escape. My spine is made of iron, my heart pumps out old red paint."

-- Foster the People

 

-- -- --

 

NIGHT OF SORROWS

Query

Hook

250 Words


#8 W.P.

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Posted 05 May 2018 - 02:45 AM

Great opening! Definitely hooked me and made me want to keep reading. And it's hard to pique my interest when it comes to first pages. I think the only thing I thought could be improved was some of the "excess." Sometimes you use too many adjectives and it clutters the writing. Becomes hard to swallow or hard to picture. Too much information can make it harder to imagine something in our heads (sounds a bit counter intuitive, I know).

 

"It took her another three seconds to brace one boot ((the first time you used time to show her speed, it was fun and exciting and interesting but here it sounds repetitive and unnecessarily long. The action would sound a lot faster if it were just: "She braced one foot on the edge of the wrought-iron balcony and pushed herself through the opening, silent as the lacy clouds that skirted the swollen yellow ((too many adjective in this sentence makes it hard to read and drags the pace)) moon above her."

 

 

"She dropped to the polished mahogany floor with a soft squeak of leather on marble ((reads better without it. it's implied)) and crouched against the wall under the window, legs shaking with leftover adrenaline from the trellis climb. A breeze slipped through the opening and made the gauzy curtains swish over her shoulders like phantom fingers.  ((really like the imagery here with the curtains!)

 

Anyway, these are just nitpicks. The opening does flow pretty well and is engaging. Great job! And good luck with your novel. It sounds awesome. :D



#9 Bkrasnik

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Posted 05 May 2018 - 05:00 PM

That's so wonderful to hear! Thank you for taking the time to stop by, Bkrasnik.  :smile:

 

No problem! If you have some time, I would appreciate some feedback on my query :) 


Have a moment to offer up some very much appreciated feedback? :)

My Young Adult Dystopian Query: http://agentquerycon...ate-on-post-15/





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