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#1 BrookeJS

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Posted 19 April 2018 - 03:15 PM

Update as of 4/26/18 in Post #9 found here http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=356026

 

 

 

 

Sweat dripping down her neck, face smeared in the dirt, fighting furiously for the upper hand. To KEIRANN, sparring a Luan soldier to defend her honor is just an average afternoon. Though explicitly forbidden to a Daughter of the Moon, priestesses who follow the goddess Illyia, Keirann can never pass up the opportunity for a clean fight. This one, however, is different. This one is laced with a darkness that reminds her of nightmares she stowed away as a child.

 

The loss of her mother at a young age sent Keirann’s life into turmoil. Naively, she believed she would never step into the position of High Priestess of the Faith. That was her mother’s duty. Now, at eighteen, duty comes harshly crashing down, reminding Keirann of her limited freedom. Her days, though tedious with priestly duties, were of a leisurely sort – hunt, tend to village folk taken ill, or sneak a bout now and again with the local soldiers. Whispered rumors of brutally slain Luan, sends Keirann to the barracks demanding answers. Challenges swiftly issued, she finds herself immersed in an ugly brawl after a young man oversteps his bounds. Victory soon at hand, she is rudely interrupted by her uncle and the unexpected return of her father – CORMAC, High Cleric of the Faith.

 

Cormac’s return brings a dooming ultimatum – succeed at becoming high priestess or be married off to provide to ensure the bloodline. The threat is clear, delivered by a scornful tongue and bruising hand. Already, the idea to flee has danced about Keirann’s mind and her father’s demands solidify her decision. Before she can escape, the handsome Brother CEDRICK rescues her from physical punishment and distracts her with offering provisions to destitute villagers. During this outing, Keirann accidentally breaks a shrine and releases an ancient stone. Folk of Kenderas are well versed in the tale surrounding the shrine. The incident results in a sonorous voice – from the stone – and the witnesses of the event naming Keirann, the Feyling. Unbeknownst to those gathered Keirann is waylaid by a terrifying vision, one she tries to dismiss. Her growing unease is confirmed when her mentor, ENORA, warns that folk who believe the stone to be powerful, may come for Keirann. Enora suggests Keirann hand the stone over for inspection. Keirann doesn’t listen. The preposterous title of Feyling, and her looming future as high priestess, are merely additional proof she must leave for good.

 

Keirann finds herself on the road and soon befriends a traveling family. Their journey together is cut short when suspicious men arrive. The voice in the stone speaks up, warning Keirann they want her and it, and she must run lest she bring harm to the family.

 

Meanwhile, Captain NIALL of the Luan makes his return to Kenderas only to be set upon by vicious mercenaries. An assassin makes an attempt on Enora’s life. Refugees begin to flood toward the distant Capital of Dalavich with excess spilling over to Kenderas, fleeing from men wearing wolven masks, and the rising tides of war. All this is the work of the Reavers. A vicious mercenary group led by CREVAN, a cunning and ruthless man who also bears the uncanny title of Unraveler. A frightening form of magic user who twists and tangles the webs of etheric energy coursing through the world of Angern. Crevan must find the deathstone and the other reliquaries (the object unwittingly stolen by the impetuous Keirann) for his employer demands it. While his men hunt her, Crevan prepares his agents for a full-scale attack on Kenderas and surrounding provinces.     

 

Keirann meets a rakish traveler named AEOLUS. The unusually friendly man escorts Keirann along on her travels to Shalebrook. Along the way, she encounters an ancient spirit who passes on a warning, echoing the previous portents of doom. Once to Shalebrook, Keirann is horrified to find the wife of the traveling family brutally beaten, and the woman’s family slain. Believing their deaths her fault, Keirann makes amends as best she can and vows to return to Kenderas. She believes herself responsible and she cannot have the blood of innocents on her hands. Thinking it safest to ditch Aeolus, Keirann slips away under cover of dark only to encounter Niall, her old childhood friend and object of unfamiliar desire.

 

Although reluctantly, Keirann accepts her fate and returns to Kenderas where she finds her world further turning upside down. Enora is alive only due to the sacrifice of a noble healer. Cormac, in a rage, punishes Keirann for her willful disobedience. Struggling with despair, she seeks refuge in a local tavern where agents of Crevan assault her. All seems hopeless but with the support of her friends, Keirann pushes forward hoping to find answers to the growing unrest. However, the fall festival nears quicker every day and Keirann, swept up in revelry and tradition, finds herself at the end wholly unprepared. Standing on the precipice of change, she enters into a ceremonial dance to solidify her position as candidate for High Priestess. Her growing feelings for Niall are put into question during the salacious routine with Brother Cedrick, but such childish concerns are violently tossed aside.

 

The entity inside the stone, having tricked Keirann, uses the gathered magical energy of the ceremonial dance to possess Enora. In a blast of unprecedented power, it devastates the festival, attacking Keirann. The ensuing battle results in Enora, Brother Cedrick, and Cormac’s deaths along with untold numbers of innocent villagers. The Reavers, already planning an assault, seize upon the chaos wreaking havoc upon the bewildered Luan and burning Kenderas to the ground. Keirann in desperation manages to call upon AUBERON, the ancient spirit. Auberon disperses of the being that took hold of Enora, and turns on Keirann. Helpless, Niall looks on in horror as Auberon connects with Keirann through a beam of light. The light erupts into the sky, enveloping her completely. Once it fades, Niall and the remaining survivors are forced to collect Keirann and retreat.

 

New and surprising elements enter the picture during the final battle. These elements force Crevan and his Reavers to retreat as well, though victory in the first of many battles is his. He has retrieved the deathstone and though Keirann still lives, he delivered a more than devastating blow to his enemies.


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#2 galaxyspinner

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Posted 19 April 2018 - 06:22 PM

Sweat dripping down her neck, face smeared in the dirt, fighting furiously for the upper hand. To KEIRANN, sparring a Luan soldier to defend her honor is just an average afternoon. Though explicitly forbidden to a Daughter of the Moon, priestesses who follow the goddess Illyia, Keirann can never pass up the opportunity for a clean fight. This one, however, is different. This one is laced with a darkness that reminds her of nightmares she stowed away as a child.

 

(You could probably nix this first paragraph. It sounds more like a query, and you should assume that most agents reading your synopsis have already seen your query. Also, the syntax is a little troublesome.)

 

The loss of her mother at a young age sent Keirann’s life into turmoil. Naively, she believed she would never step into the position of High Priestess of the Faith. That was her mother’s duty. Now, at eighteen, duty comes harshly crashing down, reminding Keirann of her limited freedom. Her days, though tedious with priestly duties, were of a leisurely sort – hunt, tend to village folk taken ill, or sneak a bout ("about") now and again with the local soldiers. Whispered rumors of brutally slain Luan, (no comma) sends Keirann to the barracks demanding answers. Challenges swiftly issued (bad syntax), she finds herself immersed in an ugly brawl after a young man oversteps his bounds. Victory soon at hand, she is rudely interrupted by her uncle and the unexpected return of her father – (this is an improper use of a dash) CORMAC, High Cleric of the Faith.

 

Cormac’s return brings a dooming ultimatum – succeed at becoming high priestess (is she not already high priestess? I thought she was) or be married off to provide to ensure (bad syntax) the bloodline. The threat is clear, delivered by a scornful tongue and bruising hand. (too much poetry; a sentence like this might work well in the prose itself, but it's superfluous in a synopsis.) Already, the idea to flee has ("had") danced about Keirann’s mind and her father’s demands solidify her decision. Before she can escape, (a lot of your sentences follow the same "supporting clause, comma, main clause" formula; consider a little more variety) the handsome Brother CEDRICK rescues her from physical punishment and distracts her with offering provisions to destitute villagers (what?). During this outing, Keirann accidentally breaks a shrine and releases an ancient stone. Folk of Kenderas are well versed ("well-versed") in the tale surrounding the shrine. (this is an awkward place to introduce this idea; you might be able to do without it) The incident results in a sonorous voice (some of your language gets a little wordy to the point of sounding passive and vague; consider more direct sentences, like "A sonorous voice from the stone declares Keirann to be the Feyling") – from the stone – (don't use dashes here) and the witnesses of the event naming Keirann, the Feyling. Unbeknownst to those gathered (comma) Keirann is waylaid by a terrifying vision, one she tries to dismiss. Her growing unease is confirmed when her mentor, ENORA, warns that folk who believe the stone to be powerful, (no comma) may come for Keirann. Enora suggests Keirann hand the stone over for inspection. Keirann doesn’t listen. The preposterous title of Feyling, and her looming future as high priestess, are merely additional proof she must leave for good. (At this point, I'm lost. There's a lot happening here that isn't fully explained; what's a Feyling, what was her vision, what would happen if she were found by people who believe the stone to be powerful, and how does this relate to the need for her to leave?)

 

Keirann finds herself on the road and soon befriends a traveling family. Their journey together is cut short when suspicious men arrive. The voice in the stone speaks up, warning Keirann they want her and it, and she must run lest she bring harm to the family.

 

Meanwhile, Captain NIALL of the Luan makes his return to Kenderas only to be set upon by vicious mercenaries. An assassin makes an attempt on Enora’s life. Refugees begin to flood toward the distant Capital of Dalavich with excess spilling over to Kenderas, fleeing from men wearing wolven masks, and the rising tides of war. All this is the work of the Reavers. A vicious mercenary group led by CREVAN, a cunning and ruthless man who also bears the uncanny title of Unraveler (sentence fragment). A frightening form of magic user who twists and tangles the webs of etheric energy coursing through the world of Angern. (sentence fragment) Crevan must find the deathstone and the other reliquaries (the object unwittingly (it sounds like she knows that she has the stone) stolen by the impetuous Keirann) for his employer demands it (you could cut off these last two words, and the sentence would read better). While his men hunt her, Crevan prepares his agents for a full-scale attack on Kenderas and surrounding provinces.     

 

Keirann meets a rakish traveler named AEOLUS. The unusually friendly man escorts Keirann along on her travels to Shalebrook. Along the way, she encounters an ancient spirit who passes on a warning, echoing the previous portents of doom (if the spirit is only telling her things she already has been told, you could do without this detail). Once to Shalebrook, Keirann is horrified to find the wife of the traveling family brutally beaten, and the woman’s family slain. Believing their deaths her fault, Keirann makes amends as best she can and vows to return to Kenderas. She believes herself responsible (you already said that she believes the deaths are her fault) and she cannot have the blood of innocents on her hands. Thinking it safest to ditch Aeolus, Keirann slips away under cover of dark only to encounter Niall, her old childhood friend and object of unfamiliar desire.

 

Although reluctantly, Keirann accepts her fate and returns to Kenderas where she finds her world further turning upside down. Enora is alive only due to the sacrifice of a noble healer. Cormac, in a rage, punishes Keirann for her willful disobedience. Struggling with despair, she seeks refuge in a local tavern where agents of Crevan assault her. All seems hopeless but with the support of her friends, Keirann pushes forward hoping to find answers to the growing unrest. However, the fall festival nears quicker every day and Keirann, swept up in revelry and tradition, finds herself at the end wholly unprepared. Standing on the precipice of change, she enters into a ceremonial dance to solidify her position as candidate for High Priestess. Her growing feelings for Niall are put into question during the salacious routine with Brother Cedrick, but such childish concerns are violently tossed aside.

 

The entity inside the stone, having tricked Keirann, uses the gathered magical energy of the ceremonial dance to possess Enora. In a blast of unprecedented power, it devastates the festival, attacking Keirann. The ensuing battle results in Enora, Brother Cedrick, and Cormac’s deaths along with untold numbers of innocent villagers. The Reavers, already planning an assault, seize upon the chaos wreaking havoc upon the bewildered Luan and burning Kenderas to the ground. Keirann in desperation manages to call upon AUBERON, the ancient spirit. Auberon disperses of the being that took hold of Enora, and turns on Keirann. Helpless, Niall looks on in horror as Auberon connects with Keirann through a beam of light. The light erupts into the sky, enveloping her completely. Once it fades, Niall and the remaining survivors are forced to collect Keirann and retreat.

 

New and surprising elements enter the picture during the final battle (this is a really, really vague sentence). These elements force Crevan and his Reavers to retreat as well, though victory in the first of many battles is his. He has retrieved the deathstone and though Keirann still lives, he delivered a more than devastating blow to his enemies.


Are you an actress looking for a comedic monologue? Check out Lady Parts: 50 Monologues for Funny Actresses.

 

Critique my query: Buccaneers of the Wild Blue


#3 BrookeJS

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Posted 19 April 2018 - 10:16 PM

Sweat dripping down her neck, face smeared in the dirt, fighting furiously for the upper hand. To KEIRANN, sparring a Luan soldier to defend her honor is just an average afternoon. Though explicitly forbidden to a Daughter of the Moon, priestesses who follow the goddess Illyia, Keirann can never pass up the opportunity for a clean fight. This one, however, is different. This one is laced with a darkness that reminds her of nightmares she stowed away as a child.

 

(You could probably nix this first paragraph. It sounds more like a query, and you should assume that most agents reading your synopsis have already seen your query. Also, the syntax is a little troublesome.)

 

The loss of her mother at a young age sent Keirann’s life into turmoil. Naively, she believed she would never step into the position of High Priestess of the Faith. That was her mother’s duty. Now, at eighteen, duty comes harshly crashing down, reminding Keirann of her limited freedom. Her days, though tedious with priestly duties, were of a leisurely sort – hunt, tend to village folk taken ill, or sneak a bout ("about") now and again with the local soldiers. Whispered rumors of brutally slain Luan, (no comma) sends Keirann to the barracks demanding answers. Challenges swiftly issued (bad syntax), she finds herself immersed in an ugly brawl after a young man oversteps his bounds. Victory soon at hand, she is rudely interrupted by her uncle and the unexpected return of her father – (this is an improper use of a dash) CORMAC, High Cleric of the Faith.

 

Cormac’s return brings a dooming ultimatum – succeed at becoming high priestess (is she not already high priestess? I thought she was) or be married off to provide to ensure (bad syntax) the bloodline. The threat is clear, delivered by a scornful tongue and bruising hand. (too much poetry; a sentence like this might work well in the prose itself, but it's superfluous in a synopsis.) Already, the idea to flee has ("had") danced about Keirann’s mind and her father’s demands solidify her decision. Before she can escape, (a lot of your sentences follow the same "supporting clause, comma, main clause" formula; consider a little more variety) the handsome Brother CEDRICK rescues her from physical punishment and distracts her with offering provisions to destitute villagers (what?). During this outing, Keirann accidentally breaks a shrine and releases an ancient stone. Folk of Kenderas are well versed ("well-versed") in the tale surrounding the shrine. (this is an awkward place to introduce this idea; you might be able to do without it) The incident results in a sonorous voice (some of your language gets a little wordy to the point of sounding passive and vague; consider more direct sentences, like "A sonorous voice from the stone declares Keirann to be the Feyling") – from the stone – (don't use dashes here) and the witnesses of the event naming Keirann, the Feyling. Unbeknownst to those gathered (comma) Keirann is waylaid by a terrifying vision, one she tries to dismiss. Her growing unease is confirmed when her mentor, ENORA, warns that folk who believe the stone to be powerful, (no comma) may come for Keirann. Enora suggests Keirann hand the stone over for inspection. Keirann doesn’t listen. The preposterous title of Feyling, and her looming future as high priestess, are merely additional proof she must leave for good. (At this point, I'm lost. There's a lot happening here that isn't fully explained; what's a Feyling, what was her vision, what would happen if she were found by people who believe the stone to be powerful, and how does this relate to the need for her to leave?)

 

Keirann finds herself on the road and soon befriends a traveling family. Their journey together is cut short when suspicious men arrive. The voice in the stone speaks up, warning Keirann they want her and it, and she must run lest she bring harm to the family.

 

Meanwhile, Captain NIALL of the Luan makes his return to Kenderas only to be set upon by vicious mercenaries. An assassin makes an attempt on Enora’s life. Refugees begin to flood toward the distant Capital of Dalavich with excess spilling over to Kenderas, fleeing from men wearing wolven masks, and the rising tides of war. All this is the work of the Reavers. A vicious mercenary group led by CREVAN, a cunning and ruthless man who also bears the uncanny title of Unraveler (sentence fragment). A frightening form of magic user who twists and tangles the webs of etheric energy coursing through the world of Angern. (sentence fragment) Crevan must find the deathstone and the other reliquaries (the object unwittingly (it sounds like she knows that she has the stone) stolen by the impetuous Keirann) for his employer demands it (you could cut off these last two words, and the sentence would read better). While his men hunt her, Crevan prepares his agents for a full-scale attack on Kenderas and surrounding provinces.     

 

Keirann meets a rakish traveler named AEOLUS. The unusually friendly man escorts Keirann along on her travels to Shalebrook. Along the way, she encounters an ancient spirit who passes on a warning, echoing the previous portents of doom (if the spirit is only telling her things she already has been told, you could do without this detail). Once to Shalebrook, Keirann is horrified to find the wife of the traveling family brutally beaten, and the woman’s family slain. Believing their deaths her fault, Keirann makes amends as best she can and vows to return to Kenderas. She believes herself responsible (you already said that she believes the deaths are her fault) and she cannot have the blood of innocents on her hands. Thinking it safest to ditch Aeolus, Keirann slips away under cover of dark only to encounter Niall, her old childhood friend and object of unfamiliar desire.

 

Although reluctantly, Keirann accepts her fate and returns to Kenderas where she finds her world further turning upside down. Enora is alive only due to the sacrifice of a noble healer. Cormac, in a rage, punishes Keirann for her willful disobedience. Struggling with despair, she seeks refuge in a local tavern where agents of Crevan assault her. All seems hopeless but with the support of her friends, Keirann pushes forward hoping to find answers to the growing unrest. However, the fall festival nears quicker every day and Keirann, swept up in revelry and tradition, finds herself at the end wholly unprepared. Standing on the precipice of change, she enters into a ceremonial dance to solidify her position as candidate for High Priestess. Her growing feelings for Niall are put into question during the salacious routine with Brother Cedrick, but such childish concerns are violently tossed aside.

 

The entity inside the stone, having tricked Keirann, uses the gathered magical energy of the ceremonial dance to possess Enora. In a blast of unprecedented power, it devastates the festival, attacking Keirann. The ensuing battle results in Enora, Brother Cedrick, and Cormac’s deaths along with untold numbers of innocent villagers. The Reavers, already planning an assault, seize upon the chaos wreaking havoc upon the bewildered Luan and burning Kenderas to the ground. Keirann in desperation manages to call upon AUBERON, the ancient spirit. Auberon disperses of the being that took hold of Enora, and turns on Keirann. Helpless, Niall looks on in horror as Auberon connects with Keirann through a beam of light. The light erupts into the sky, enveloping her completely. Once it fades, Niall and the remaining survivors are forced to collect Keirann and retreat.

 

New and surprising elements enter the picture during the final battle (this is a really, really vague sentence). These elements force Crevan and his Reavers to retreat as well, though victory in the first of many battles is his. He has retrieved the deathstone and though Keirann still lives, he delivered a more than devastating blow to his enemies.

 

Hi Galaxyspinner, thank you for your comments. You pointed out a few things I was already having concerns over so thank you for confirming my instincts. Where you change "a bout" to the word "about" I am actually literally saying "bout" as in a "bout of fighting". I was trying to avoid using the word "fight" again since I'd already said it a few times before. And yes, passive voice is the bane of my existence. I'm trying really hard to get away from it.

 

Again, thank you! I will say I am less concerned about grammar mistakes this round through because I am more focused on content related feedback and then I will polish the grammatical mistakes near the end. =)


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#4 BrookeJS

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Posted 21 April 2018 - 12:49 AM

​Hello again. Here is another go at this. I managed to cut it down by a few words, so its barely under 1000. 

 

 

 

 

Through the ages, the world of Angern has gone from grand cities full of wonder, to a desolate wasteland where all of history was nearly lost. Millennia later, the world recovered. New civilizations blossom, though infantile in their knowledge of what came before. The Faithful of Illyia changed this after the first Ouala returned from barren wastes blessed with knowledge from the goddess. Descendants of the first High Priestess carry on the tradition of guiding the lost and acting as the voice of the goddess.

            KEIRANN is a candidate for Ouala of the Ivory Throne. Her world is upended when her abusive father comes home, delivering an ultimatum. She must put aside her wild ways, adhere to the rules or be disowned into a loveless marriage. Keirann never wanted to live a life dedicated to the goddess. She blames the Faith for her mother’s death, for her father’s heavy hand, and for its claim upon her life. Faith is only an excuse to abuse and take. For this reason, Keirann doesn’t believe in Illyia or any of the other gods. Keirann hides her abuse from those closest to her and wears the mask of a strong, willful, young woman. She shirks the rules and spars with local soldiers avoiding her duties at every opportunity. She allows the pain of her past to choke off her magical abilities as a Weaver, providing her the excuse that she isn’t suited to the post of Ouala. Try as she might, her desires go unheeded.

            After a mystifying accident, which results in Keirann obtaining a magical stone, folk in the village begin to call Keirann the Feyling. The Feyling is a myth associated with the village of Kenderas and believed to be the faerie bride of the wyrdling Stag King. The Feyling sacrificed her soul in order to obtain the power needed to banish great evil. Despite receiving a terrifying vision from the stone, Keirann arrogantly denies the claims.

ENORA and Brother CEDRICK, two of Keirann’s teachers, agree the incident is troublesome and advise her to turn over the stone for inspection. With the approach of the Festival of the Stag King, the bizarre event must be put behind them. Keirann is to play the role of Illyia and Cedrick the wyrdling King in a ritualistic dance. Practice goes terribly, resulting in a confrontation between Keirann and Enora that solidifies Keirann’s decision to run away.

Keirann finds herself on the road and soon befriends a traveling family. Their journey together is cut short when suspicious men arrive. The voice in the stone speaks up, warning Keirann they want her and it, and she must run lest she bring harm to the family.

Meanwhile, Captain NIALL of the Luan makes his return to Kenderas only to be set upon by vicious mercenaries. An assassin makes an attempt on Enora’s life. Refugees begin to flood toward the distant Capital of Dalavich with excess spilling over to Kenderas, fleeing from men wearing wolven masks, and the rising tides of war. All this is the work of the Reavers. A vicious mercenary group led by CREVAN, a cunning and ruthless man who also bears the uncanny title of Unraveler. A frightening form of weaver who twists and tangles the webs of etheric energy coursing through the world of Angern. Crevan must find the deathstone and the other reliquaries for his employer. With the help of a Spirit Singer, Crevan learns Keirann has the deathstone. While his men hunt her, he prepares his agents for a full-scale attack on Kenderas and surrounding provinces.

Keirann meets a rakish traveler named AEOLUS. The unusually friendly man escorts Keirann along on her travels to Shalebrook. Once to Shalebrook, Keirann is horrified to find the wife of the traveling family brutally beaten, and the woman’s family slain. Believing their deaths her fault, Keirann makes amends as best she can and vows to return to Kenderas. Keirann ditches Aeolus not able to trust him and soon after, she runs into Niall, her old childhood friend and object of unfamiliar desire.

Although reluctantly, Keirann accepts her fate and returns to Kenderas where she finds her world further turning upside down. Enora is alive only due to the sacrifice of a noble healer. Cormac, in a rage, punishes Keirann for her willful disobedience. Struggling with despair, she seeks refuge in a local tavern where agents of Crevan assault her. All seems hopeless but with the support of her friends, Keirann pushes forward hoping to find answers to the growing unrest. However, the fall festival nears quicker every day and Keirann, swept up in revelry and tradition, finds herself at the end wholly unprepared. Standing on the precipice of change, she enters into the ceremonial dance to solidify her position as candidate for Ouala. Her growing feelings for Niall are put into question during the salacious routine with Brother Cedrick, but such childish concerns are violently tossed aside.

The entity inside the stone, having tricked Keirann, uses the gathered magical energy of the ceremonial dance to possess Enora. In a blast of unprecedented power, it devastates the festival, attacking Keirann. The ensuing battle results in Enora, Brother Cedrick, and Cormac’s deaths along with untold numbers of innocent villagers. The Reavers, already planning an assault, seize upon the chaos wreaking havoc upon the bewildered Luan and burning Kenderas to the ground. Keirann in desperation manages to call upon AUBERON, the wyrdling Stag King. Auberon disperses of the being that took hold of Enora, and turns on Keirann. Helpless, Niall looks on in horror as Auberon connects with Keirann through a beam of light. The light erupts into the sky, enveloping her completely. Once it fades, Niall and the remaining survivors are forced to collect Keirann and retreat.

Crevan and his Reavers retreat as well, though he proves victorious in the first of many battles. He has retrieved the deathstone and though Keirann still lives, he delivered a more than devastating blow to his enemies.


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#5 jsummerv

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Posted 21 April 2018 - 12:14 PM

Your opening paragraph was nicely written, but it didn’t grab me. I feel it needs much more power. I suggest you try something like this:

 

A puerile race unearths a deadly remnant from their ancient Angern ancestors, ancestors who had self-destructed more than a millennium ago.

 

I also feel the remainder reads too much like a story, includes too many characters, and should be dramatically shorter. I feel a synopsis should have a very clear and powerful opening, introduce the conflict between the antagonist and protagonist, develop a pivot point, and state the conclusion. Most everything else is irrelevant at this point. Imagine yourself being an agent’s assistant with the job to forward only the best



#6 BrookeJS

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Posted 23 April 2018 - 01:20 AM

Thank you for your feedback jsummerv! Greatly appreciated. Bumping for additional critiques!


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#7 galian84

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Posted 25 April 2018 - 02:11 PM

 Arghh, so I posted a really detailed LBL crit, but the internet crashed on my right after I hit 'Post', and I lost the entire thing :sad:

 

Anyway, your story sounds interesting and like something I'd check out. With that being said, I think you're trying to tell way too much. Try to keep the focus on the central conflict, and what Keirann is doing / experiencing. The flow of the story got derailed, I felt like, with the introduction of the antagonist. I feel like it would help if you talked about the antagonist as only how he relates directly to Keirann, and getting in the way of her goal.

 

I have to agree with the above poster! Your opening paragraph is beautifully written, but it doesn't suck me in and make me want to read on. I'd maybe consider starting your synopsis from your second paragraph, and weave in backstory only as necessary.

 

There's also too many names mentioned, so try to keep it to a handful of the major players (Keirann, Crevan, and possibly the names of her two teachers). Also, the country's names don't need to be mentioned (except for possibly Kendaras. Also, Kendaras and Keirann do look alike, so during a quick read, they could be confused for each other. Is there a way you could change one of the names, or at least make them look less alike?)

 

I know with epic fantasy, it's tough to condense it into < 1000 words, because there's so much to explain, and epic fantasy plots tend to be more convoluted with multiple POVs. Something I found that helps is to think of it this way: First X happens, then T, then Z, which leads to A, then B...etc etc etc. Ironically, it was your crit on my own synopsis that made me think of it this way :)

 

Best of luck! I'll be looking out for your next revision, if you decide to revise again.



#8 BrookeJS

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Posted 25 April 2018 - 02:29 PM

 Arghh, so I posted a really detailed LBL crit, but the internet crashed on my right after I hit 'Post', and I lost the entire thing :sad:

 

Anyway, your story sounds interesting and like something I'd check out. With that being said, I think you're trying to tell way too much. Try to keep the focus on the central conflict, and what Keirann is doing / experiencing. The flow of the story got derailed, I felt like, with the introduction of the antagonist. I feel like it would help if you talked about the antagonist as only how he relates directly to Keirann, and getting in the way of her goal.

 

I have to agree with the above poster! Your opening paragraph is beautifully written, but it doesn't suck me in and make me want to read on. I'd maybe consider starting your synopsis from your second paragraph, and weave in backstory only as necessary.

 

There's also too many names mentioned, so try to keep it to a handful of the major players (Keirann, Crevan, and possibly the names of her two teachers). Also, the country's names don't need to be mentioned (except for possibly Kendaras. Also, Kendaras and Keirann do look alike, so during a quick read, they could be confused for each other. Is there a way you could change one of the names, or at least make them look less alike?)

 

I know with epic fantasy, it's tough to condense it into < 1000 words, because there's so much to explain, and epic fantasy plots tend to be more convoluted with multiple POVs. Something I found that helps is to think of it this way: First X happens, then T, then Z, which leads to A, then B...etc etc etc. Ironically, it was your crit on my own synopsis that made me think of it this way :)

 

Best of luck! I'll be looking out for your next revision, if you decide to revise again.

 

Yes, telling too much is the crux of the issue because it is a multipov book and a lot of stuff happens unrelated to Keirann. I've read that agents who ask for a synopsis (or for pitchwars) they want you to essentially tell them everything in the book so they know what they're getting into. I've also read keep it to one pov, etc. So it's a little confusing lol you never know which one is really right. Once I've got my query done I'll mull over this again! Thank you for your thoughts it is very helpful! I look forward to seeing your next revision as well! =)


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#9 BrookeJS

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Posted 27 April 2018 - 12:09 AM

​I made a few adjustments. Let me know what you guys think. I moved the first paragraph to be the second. I think it still works because it leads into the topic about the Feyling. Thank you again for all feedback!

 

 

 

 

KEIRANN is a candidate for Ouala of the Ivory Throne. She must put aside her wild ways, adhere to the rules or be disowned into a loveless marriage. Keirann never wanted to live a life dedicated to the goddess. She blames the Faith for her mother’s death, for her father’s heavy hand, and for its claim upon her life. Faith is only an excuse to abuse and take. For this reason, Keirann doesn’t believe in Illyia or any of the other gods. Keirann hides her abuse from those closest to her and wears the mask of a strong, willful, young woman. She shirks the rules and spars with local soldiers avoiding her duties at every opportunity. She allows the pain of her past to choke off her magical abilities as a Weaver, providing her the excuse that she isn’t suited to the post of Ouala. Try as she might, her desires go unheeded. 

Through the ages, the world of Angern has gone from grand cities full of wonder, to a desolate wasteland where all of history was nearly lost. Millennia later, the world recovered. New civilizations blossom, though infantile in their knowledge of what came before. The Faithful of Illyia changed this after the first Ouala returned from barren wastes, blessed with knowledge from the goddess. Descendants of the first High Priestess carry on the tradition of guiding the lost and acting as the voice of the goddess.

Folk in the village begin to call Keirann the Feyling after an incident that results in her accidentally releasing a magical artifact. The Feyling is a myth associated with the village of Kenderas and believed to be the faerie bride of the wyrdling Stag King. The Feyling sacrificed her soul in order to obtain the power needed to banish great evil. After receiving a terrifying vision, a voice in the artifact warns of coming danger, but Keirann ignores the claims. After a disagreement with two of her teachers, ENORA and CEDRICK, Keirann puts into action her plan to run away.

Keirann finds herself on the road and soon befriends a traveling family. Their journey together is cut short when a group of men approach their camp. The voice in the artifact speaks up, warning Keirann the men want her and it, and she must run lest she bring harm to the family.

Meanwhile, Captain NIALL of the Luan makes his return to Kenderas only to be set upon by mercenaries. An assassin makes an attempt on Enora’s life. Refugees begin to flood toward the distant Capital of Dalavich with excess spilling over to Kenderas, fleeing from men wearing wolven masks, and the rising tides of war. All this is the work of the Reavers. A vicious mercenary group led by CREVAN, a cunning and ruthless man who also bears the uncanny title of Unraveler. A frightening form of weaver who twists and tangles the webs of etheric energy coursing through the world of Angern. Crevan must find the deathstone and the other reliquaries for his employer. With the help of a Spirit Singer, Crevan learns Keirann has the deathstone, the artifact in question. While his men hunt her, he prepares his agents for a full-scale attack on Kenderas and surrounding provinces. 

Keirann arrives to Shalebrook, only to discover the wife of the traveling family brutally beaten, and the woman’s family slain. Believing their deaths her fault, Keirann makes amends as best she can and vows to return to Kenderas. In an effort to avoid the main roads, she runs into Niall, her old childhood friend and object of unfamiliar desire.

Keirann works to accept her fate and returns to Kenderas where she finds her world further turning upside down. Enora is alive only due to the sacrifice of a noble healer. Cormac, in a rage, punishes Keirann for her willful disobedience. Struggling with despair, she seeks refuge in a local tavern where agents of Crevan assault her. All seems hopeless but with the support of her friends, Keirann pushes forward hoping to find answers to the growing unrest. However, the fall festival nears quicker every day and Keirann, swept up in revelry and tradition, finds herself at the end wholly unprepared. Standing on the precipice of change, she enters into the ceremonial dance to solidify her position as candidate for Ouala. Her growing feelings for Niall are put into question during a salacious routine with Brother Cedrick, but such childish concerns are quickly and violently tossed aside. 

The entity inside the stone, having tricked Keirann, uses the gathered magical energy of the ceremonial dance to possess Enora. In a blast of unprecedented power, it devastates the festival, attacking Keirann. The ensuing battle results in Enora, Brother Cedrick, and Cormac’s deaths along with untold numbers of innocent villagers. The Reavers, already planning an assault, seize upon the chaos wreaking havoc upon the bewildered Luan and burning Kenderas to the ground. Keirann in desperation manages to call upon AUBERON, the wyrdling Stag King. Auberon disperses of the being that took hold of Enora, and turns on Keirann. Helpless, Niall looks on in horror as Auberon connects with Keirann through a beam of light. The light erupts into the sky, enveloping her completely. Once it fades, Niall and the remaining survivors are forced to collect Keirann and retreat. 

Crevan and his Reavers retreat as well, though he proves victorious in the first of many battles. He has retrieved the deathstone and though Keirann still lives, he delivered a more than devastating blow to his enemies.


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#10 W.P.

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Posted 06 May 2018 - 02:25 PM

​I made a few adjustments. Let me know what you guys think. I moved the first paragraph to be the second. I think it still works because it leads into the topic about the Feyling. Thank you again for all feedback!

 

 

 

 

KEIRANN is a candidate for Ouala of the Ivory Throne. She must put aside her wild ways, adhere to the rules or be disowned into a loveless marriage. Keirann never wanted to live a life dedicated to the goddess. She blames the Faith for her mother’s death, for her father’s heavy hand, and for its claim upon her life. Faith is only an excuse to abuse and take. For this reason, Keirann doesn’t believe in Illyia or any of the other gods. Keirann hides her abuse from those closest to her and wears the mask of a strong, willful,  ((no comma between adjective and noun))young woman. She shirks the rules and spars with local soldiers avoiding her duties at every opportunity. She allows the pain of her past to choke off her magical abilities as a Weaver, providing her the excuse that she isn’t suited to the post of Ouala. Try as she might, her desires go unheeded. 

Through the ages, ((this change in narrate really threw me off. is this exposition? is this a new POV? jolted me out of the story)) the world of Angern has gone from grand cities full of wonder, to a desolate wasteland where all of history was nearly lost. Millennia later, the world recovered. New civilizations blossom, though infantile in their knowledge of what came before. The Faithful of Illyia changed this after the first Ouala returned from barren wastes, blessed with knowledge from the goddess. Descendants of the first High Priestess carry on the tradition of guiding the lost and acting as the voice of the goddess. ((do we really need all this exposition? this sounds too distant. I feel connected to Keirann, not the world. this made me disengage a little)

Folk in the village begin to call Keirann the Feyling after an incident that results in her accidentally releasing a magical artifact. The Feyling is a myth associated with the village of Kenderas and believed to be the faerie bride of the wyrdling Stag King. The Feyling sacrificed her soul in order to obtain the power needed to banish great evil. After receiving a terrifying vision, a voice in the artifact warns of coming danger, but Keirann ignores the claims. After a disagreement with two of her teachers, ENORA and CEDRICK  ((I suggest removing their names. It's hard to remembers so many characters, especially ones that are mentioned maybe two or three times. )) , Keirann puts into action her plan to run away.

Keirann finds herself on the road and soon befriends a traveling family. Their journey together is cut short when a group of men approach their camp. The voice in the artifact speaks up, warning Keirann the men want her and it, and she must run lest she bring harm to the family.

Meanwhile, Captain NIALL of the Luan makes his return to Kenderas only to be set upon by mercenaries. An assassin makes an attempt on Enora’s  (only mentioned once. Hard to remember. could just be mentioned as "one of Keirann's teachers"--it would make for an easier read) life. Refugees begin to flood toward the distant Capital of Dalavich with excess spilling over to Kenderas, fleeing from men wearing wolven masks, and the rising tides of war. All this is the work of the Reavers. A vicious mercenary group led by CREVAN  ((I'd definitely say you are introducing too many characters. it'll be hard to keep up. And you're introducing them late into the synopsis. I feel like although your writing is super concise and to the point, the way you introduce characters isn't. Some could be quickly mentioned.)), a cunning and ruthless man who also bears the uncanny title of Unraveler. A frightening form of weaver who twists and tangles the webs of etheric energy coursing through the world of Angern. ((for instance, this is cool to know, but this is story information. not synopsis information, imho. because synopsis is character and plot. but this character can't be all that relevant since he only appears almost at the end, and even if he is relevant, not all details about him are.)) Crevan must find the deathstone and the other reliquaries for his employer. With the help of a Spirit Singer, Crevan learns Keirann has the deathstone, the artifact in question. While his men hunt her, he prepares his agents for a full-scale attack on Kenderas and surrounding provinces. To be honest, I'm lost at this point. There is too much going on. Too many characters and subplots and much exposition. Too much and gets too confusing because this looks you thousands of words to write, so there is no way you could cram it all in two pages as a synopsis. My suggestion is focusing on the main plot, the protagonsist's main goal, and focus on the five main moments of the story. Right now it's hard to understand and hard to keep up.

Keirann arrives to Shalebrook, only to discover the wife of the traveling family brutally beaten, and the woman’s family slain. Believing their deaths her fault, Keirann makes amends as best she can and vows to return to Kenderas. In an effort to avoid the main roads, she runs into Niall, her old childhood friend and object of unfamiliar desire.

Keirann works to accept her fate and returns to Kenderas where she finds her world further turning upside down. Enora is alive only due to the sacrifice of a noble healer. Cormac, in a rage, punishes Keirann for her willful disobedience. Struggling with despair, she seeks refuge in a local tavern where agents of Crevan assault her. All seems hopeless but with the support of her friends, Keirann pushes forward hoping to find answers to the growing unrest. However, the fall festival nears quicker every day and Keirann, swept up in revelry and tradition, finds herself at the end wholly unprepared. Standing on the precipice of change, she enters into the ceremonial dance to solidify her position as candidate for Ouala. Her growing feelings for Niall are put into question during a salacious routine with Brother Cedrick, but such childish concerns are quickly and violently tossed aside. 

The entity inside the stone, having tricked Keirann, uses the gathered magical energy of the ceremonial dance to possess Enora. In a blast of unprecedented power, it devastates the festival, attacking Keirann. The ensuing battle results in Enora, Brother Cedrick, and Cormac’s deaths along with untold numbers of innocent villagers. The Reavers, already planning an assault, seize upon the chaos wreaking havoc upon the bewildered Luan and burning Kenderas to the ground. Keirann in desperation manages to call upon AUBERON, the wyrdling Stag King  ((too late into the synopsis. relevant characters and exposition should be in the beginning paragraphs as the set up. there will be exceptions of course, this can be one of them, but because so many characters were introduced throughout the synopsis, that it gets confusing and becomes too much.. Auberon disperses of the being that took hold of Enora, and turns on Keirann. Helpless, Niall looks on in horror as Auberon connects with Keirann through a beam of light. The light erupts into the sky, enveloping her completely. Once it fades, Niall and the remaining survivors are forced to collect Keirann and retreat. 

Crevan and his Reavers retreat as well, though he proves victorious in the first of many battles. He has retrieved the deathstone and though Keirann still lives, he delivered a more than devastating blow to his enemies.  

 

 

I like your writing. It's tight, concise. But the synopsis isn't. There is too much and becomes confusing and hard to read through. I suggest focusing on one aspect or theme and not just recite the whole plot. Make it about Keirann's growth, and choose the five biggest moments of the story, and try to write the synopsis around that. Right now you have too much. Well written, but too much.

 

Anyway, I hope this helps. :)



#11 BrookeJS

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Posted 06 May 2018 - 02:31 PM

I like your writing. It's tight, concise. But the synopsis isn't. There is too much and becomes confusing and hard to read through. I suggest focusing on one aspect or theme and not just recite the whole plot. Make it about Keirann's growth, and choose the five biggest moments of the story, and try to write the synopsis around that. Right now you have too much. Well written, but too much.

 

Anyway, I hope this helps. :)

 

Hi W.P. I appreciate your candor and feedback. That's one of the difficulties regarding a synopsis because what I have researched says to basically tell them the whole story including the ending. It seems depending on your source you're going to get a different perspective on what the focus should be. There is a lot going on, it's a big story, and everything is connected. If I left out other characters than I feel like it wouldn't make a whole lot of sense to jump to the end. But I'll toy around with it some more and keep your comments in mind. Thank you for your thoughts!!


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#12 cmmg

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Posted 20 May 2018 - 12:06 PM

​I made a few adjustments. Let me know what you guys think. I moved the first paragraph to be the second. I think it still works because it leads into the topic about the Feyling. Thank you again for all feedback!

 

 

 

 

KEIRANN is a candidate for Ouala of the Ivory Throne (the three new concepts here really threw me because Ouala cannot be inferred from context so it sounds like a nonsense word (from your query I think it's a high priest thing? You could "candidate for high priestess, the Ouala,"or something if you REALLy want to get that word in). She must put aside her wild ways, adhere to the rules or be disowned into a loveless marriage (I like what you're going for but you can't be "disowned" into a loveless marriage. You mean disowned and forced, but there's no logical reason why being disowned would necessitate she be married. If it's a rule specific thing in your world, we haven't gotten to it. I think at the stage of the synopsis you should focus on clarity over accuracy) And yet, (I feel like you need something connecting this sentence in the last otherwise it's unrelated) Keirann never wanted to live a life dedicated to the goddess. She blames the Faith for her mother’s death, for her father’s heavy hand (instead of saying "she blames" it would be stronger if you said "the Faith cause her mother's death..." or something. Not only does that read stronger, but it's more from Kierran's POV. she's the main character, let us in her head. State things confidently.), and for its claim upon her life. Faith is only an excuse to abuse and take (see, this reads strong). For this reason, So Keirann doesn’t believe in Illyia or any of the other gods ("for this reason" is a little too wordy and distant. I think you could have a stronger connection there). Keirann hides her abuse from those closest to her and wears the mask of a strong, willful, young woman (okay and? So far, nothing much is happening. You have a LOT of backstory here, but I think, once you establish that she hates the Faith, that's enough). She shirks the rules and spars with local soldiers avoiding her duties at every opportunity. She allows the pain of her past to choke off her magical abilities as a Weaver, providing her the excuse that she isn’t suited to the post of Ouala ("providing her an excuse" is wordy and these last two sentences could be more concise). Try as she might, her desires go unheeded (There's a lot of distance here, and I don't really feel for her. Here's how I would do from "Kierrann doesn't believe in Illyia or any of the other gods. Desperate to avoid her fate, she chokes off her magical abilities as a Weaver, hoping that her failure will undermine her candidacy for the throne. A hope that is unheeded." This paints Kierran as actually doing something active instead of just being sad and hiding her abuse and "allowing" said abuse to do things to her)

Through the ages, the world of Angern has gone from grand cities full of wonder (this is unrelated to what came above it. Is there a connection? I feel like a lot of connecting words and "sos" and "therefores" are missing), to a desolate wasteland where all of history was nearly lost. Millennia later, the world recovered (I don't really care about this. THis is backstory. A synopsis is about the plot. I think a lot of people will read different things about how a synopsis should also show worldbuilding, but they mean in the subtle clues (like when you mention the god Illyia) not in literal, meaningless backstory). New civilizations blossom, though infantile in their knowledge of what came before (What does this mean? I'm getting no information from this, this all feels cuttable). The Faithful of Illyia changed this after the first Ouala returned from barren wastes, blessed with knowledge from the goddess (Changed what? ANd I care because? This is history, not story.). Descendants of the first High Priestess carry on the tradition of guiding the lost and acting as the voice of the goddess. (And this is important because? Honestly, this is ALL cuttable. Your synopsis is already running long and this a good place to really ask yourself in an agent is going to read this information and think "so she DOES know how resolve a plot)

Folk in the villager begin to call calling Keirann the Feyling after an incident that results in her accidentally releasing a magical artifact (This is in the wrong order. The incident should come first, since that's more interesting, and ALSO having Feyling at the end makes teh next sentence more related "After an incident....villagers start calling Kierran" Tighten this up.). The Feyling is a myth associated with the village of Kenderas and believed to be the  faerie bride of the wyrdling Stag King. (make this sentence tighter. if you REALLY want to get in the Kenderas say "Kenderan villagers, in the first sentence. If you really feel the whole synopsis will fall apart if they don't know this is a myth, say "a mythical faerie bride" but have less caluses. TIGHTEN>) The Feyling  (Careful of the repetition) A woman who sacrificed her soul in order to obtain the power needed to banish great evil. After receiving a terrifying vision, a voice in the artifact warns Keirran (you were just talking about the Feyling so be clear here) of coming danger, but Keirann ignores the claims. After a disagreement with two of her teachers, ENORA and CEDRICK, Keirann puts into action her plan to runs away (If I think hard I think you had the bulky construction of "puts into her action her plan" (isn't that a mouthful) becuase you want to imply she had plans to run away beforehand. If you want the reader to know that, then how about cutting all that stuff about the realm which doesn't fix any helpful detail and menion she plans to run away "Kierran pans to run away, but after an incident of a magical artefact, the Kenderan villagers..." or something. But the connections in here).

On the road, Keirann finds herself on the road and soon befriends a traveling family. Their journey together is cut short when a group of men approach their camp. The voice in the artifact speaks up, warning warns Keirann that the men want her and it, and she must run lest she bring harm to the family. (I've noticed a lot of "lest" and "unheeded" which I think is because you're going for an older sounding voice, but it's really creating some distance between reader and character)

Meanwhile, Captain NIALL of the Luan makes his returnreturns to Kenderas only to be set upon by mercenaries. An assassin makes an attempt on Enora’s life (why is Enora even here? Is she with the Captain). Refugees begin to flood toward the distant Capital of Dalavich(the what? There's getting to be WAY too many new words to keep track off. Every agent I've ever heard of said to limit the amount of these) with excess spilling over to Kenderas, fleeing from men wearing wolven masks, and the rising tides of war (this feels bland. What are the refugees from? Keep in mind a synopsis shouldn't have every subplot in the whole thing, if you can cut this, cut it, otherwise EXPLAIN). All this is the work of the Reavers (this entire paragraph is just, loosing me. You're gone away from Kierran who's position has been built up and explained to a bunch of things happening, but I don't know or care about any of these people). A vicious mercenary group led by CREVAN(Why are there so many names? This is too many.), a cunning and ruthless man who also bears the uncanny title of Unraveler(This paragraph is growing increasingly incomprehensible). A frightening form of Weaver who twists and tangles the webs of etheric energy coursing through the world of Angern. Crevan must find the deathstone (the bad part about introducing so many elements is it just leads to questions. What is this stone? Why does HE have to fine it? what does it do? Why have we never heard of it before? Is this the artefact? be clear, connect.) and the other reliquaries for his employer. With the help of a Spirit Singer,(THis has no bearing on anything) Crevan learns Keirann has the deathstone, the artifact in question. While his men hunt her, he prepares his agents for a full-scale attack on Kenderas and surrounding provinces (since you introduced Kenderas as "the village of Kenderas" I thought it was a village why does he need to launch a full attack)

Keirann arrives to Shalebrook(These place names, EXCEPT for Kenderas, as meaningless to me because I don't know where they are. There are just as useful as saying village B at this point. If there is no description of them, then just, cut some of, condense), only to discover the wife of the traveling family brutally beaten(There was such a big gap between when we last say Kierran I thought she was still with them. Is she not? Did she run away? Why did they go Shalebrook or wherever), and the woman’s family slain. Believing their deaths her fault, Keirann makes amends as best she can and vows to return to Kenderas (Why would returning to Kenderas help literally anything? WHen there's a focus on these random details of ENora almost dying (who I don't care about) it takes away time to CONNECT the logic of these actions ). In an effort to avoid the main roads, she runs into Niall, her old childhood friend and object of unfamiliar desire.

Keirann works to accept her fate and returns to Kenderas where she finds her world further turning upside down. Enora is alive only due to the sacrifice of a noble healer. Cormac, in a rage, punishes Keirann for her willful disobedience. Struggling with despair, she seeks refuge in a local tavern where agents of Crevan assault her. All seems hopeless but with the support of her friends(she has friends?), Keirann pushes forward hoping to find answers to the growing unrest. However, the fall festival (and? so? this is REALLY late to be introducing something new. The stakes feel very low. Someone was going to KILL HER but now it's fine, and she just has to worry about the festival)nears quicker every day and Keirann, swept up in revelry and tradition, finds herself at the end wholly unprepared (for the festival? so what?). Standing on the precipice of change, she enters into the ceremonial dance to solidify her position as candidate for Ouala. Her growing feelings for Niall are put into question during a salacious routine with Brother Cedrick, but such childish concerns are quickly and violently tossed aside. (You could CUT this entire thing to "When Kierann returns to Kenderas, she finds her candidacy for Ouala waiting. Resignedly, she willing enters into the ceremonial dance that will solidfy her position. However, the entity inside..." I mean, obviously you'd say it better, but those are the only two really important sentiments here )

The entity inside the stone, having tricked Keirann, uses the gathered magical energy of the ceremonial dance to possess Enora(why do we care that is possesses her specifically instead of someone else?). In a blast of unprecedented power, it devastates the festival, attacking Keirann. The ensuing battle kills Enora, Brother Cedrick, and Cormac’s deaths along with untold numbers of innocent villagers. The Reavers, already planning an assault, seize upon the chaos wreaking havoc upon the bewildered Luan(I thought they were in Kenderas? ) and burning Kenderas (so wait, what's Luan?) to the ground. Keirann in desperation manages to call upon AUBERON(this is too late to introduce new names), the wyrdling Stag King. Auberon disperses of the being(do you mean disposes?) that took hold of Enora, and turns on Keirann. Helpless, Niall looks on in horror as Auberon connects with Keirann through a beam of light. The light erupts into the sky, enveloping her completely. Once it fades, Niall and the remaining survivors are forced to collect Keirann and retreat. 

Crevan and his Reavers retreat as well, though he proves victorious in the first of many battles. He has retrieved the deathstone and though Keirann still lives, he delivered a more than devastating blow to his enemies.

 

OKay so research does say to tell the whole story. But they mean, the GENERAL story, not every detail. Big picture means "less detail, more overall" not "include every detail."

If you feel like it'll be confusing to cut, you have to cut anyway. Remember, clarity and flow are more important than 100% accuracy. If you mention one character who does X and they are in a group later on that does Y but no one else in the group is mentioned? Just mention that one guy does Y. Is it the most accurate? No. But it conveys the same information in a clearer way.

A synopsis is so agents have an idea if you can pull off a plot, if it sounds interesting, they'll read the whole thing and find the details. But until then you need to condense to a central narrative. You can only tell ONE story in your synopsis.

 

Instead of going into all the detail about Luan or refugees which is unimportant, the only info you need in the Meanwhile paragraph is 1) Captain Niall exists 2) Crevan (you don't need the unraveler) needs that deathstone bad and he's going to attack Kenderas. Bam. You don't need the "other reliquiars for his employer" at this time. It only complicates something that's already complicated. You can even just say "But a vicious mercenary group is looking for Kierran's artefact, the deathstone, and they will stop at nothing to get it, even if they have to destroy Kenderas. And then the group, led by Crevan, discovers that Kierran has it" or something to that effect. You don't need to introduce the name of the Reavers and Crevan. The Revaers can be "Crevan's mercenary group"  or Crevan can be "the mercenary captain" but you only need ONE.

Everyone is pretty much saying: Simplify. And I think you're really misunderstanding some crucial things that people are saying. When someone said "focus on one aspect like Kierran's grow" they didn't mean "change the way you tell the story, focus on character over plot" they meant "you are telling many different stories, pick one. It needs to be simple." Notice they said "recite" the whole plot as opposed to "tell." Because a synopsis shouldn't be reciting. It should be the whole story, but it should more than a recitation, it should be connecting. When agents say "everything" they mean "everything major" like "don't hold back the plot twists or ending" not "I need to know that one extra's name. I need to know what kind of breakfast she was eating."

Every literary agent says to be simple. Concise. No one has ever said "mention every subplot." There are too many names, too many things going on that don't matter. Be simple. You don't need the history of the realm or the refugees, or every name and detail. You don' t need to mention every little thing. You can tell the WHOLE story, without mentioning that Crevan is told by THIS SPECIFIC person that Kierran has the deathstone. Because that one person, doesn't matter.

Be concise. Thiis isn't a manner of "different strokes" all agents what things concise.


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synopsis


#13 BrookeJS

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 03:09 PM

OKay so research does say to tell the whole story. But they mean, the GENERAL story, not every detail. Big picture means "less detail, more overall" not "include every detail."

If you feel like it'll be confusing to cut, you have to cut anyway. Remember, clarity and flow are more important than 100% accuracy. If you mention one character who does X and they are in a group later on that does Y but no one else in the group is mentioned? Just mention that one guy does Y. Is it the most accurate? No. But it conveys the same information in a clearer way.

A synopsis is so agents have an idea if you can pull off a plot, if it sounds interesting, they'll read the whole thing and find the details. But until then you need to condense to a central narrative. You can only tell ONE story in your synopsis.

 

Instead of going into all the detail about Luan or refugees which is unimportant, the only info you need in the Meanwhile paragraph is 1) Captain Niall exists 2) Crevan (you don't need the unraveler) needs that deathstone bad and he's going to attack Kenderas. Bam. You don't need the "other reliquiars for his employer" at this time. It only complicates something that's already complicated. You can even just say "But a vicious mercenary group is looking for Kierran's artefact, the deathstone, and they will stop at nothing to get it, even if they have to destroy Kenderas. And then the group, led by Crevan, discovers that Kierran has it" or something to that effect. You don't need to introduce the name of the Reavers and Crevan. The Revaers can be "Crevan's mercenary group"  or Crevan can be "the mercenary captain" but you only need ONE.

Everyone is pretty much saying: Simplify. And I think you're really misunderstanding some crucial things that people are saying. When someone said "focus on one aspect like Kierran's grow" they didn't mean "change the way you tell the story, focus on character over plot" they meant "you are telling many different stories, pick one. It needs to be simple." Notice they said "recite" the whole plot as opposed to "tell." Because a synopsis shouldn't be reciting. It should be the whole story, but it should more than a recitation, it should be connecting. When agents say "everything" they mean "everything major" like "don't hold back the plot twists or ending" not "I need to know that one extra's name. I need to know what kind of breakfast she was eating."

Every literary agent says to be simple. Concise. No one has ever said "mention every subplot." There are too many names, too many things going on that don't matter. Be simple. You don't need the history of the realm or the refugees, or every name and detail. You don' t need to mention every little thing. You can tell the WHOLE story, without mentioning that Crevan is told by THIS SPECIFIC person that Kierran has the deathstone. Because that one person, doesn't matter.

Be concise. Thiis isn't a manner of "different strokes" all agents what things concise.

 

Hi cmmg,

 

Thanks for your feedback. I appreciate it. I've sorta set my synopsis to the side temporarily because I needed to give it a break and come back with fresh eyes so this definitely helps with spotting areas I need to revise. Thank you!


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#14 cmmg

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 03:57 PM

Hi cmmg,

 

Thanks for your feedback. I appreciate it. I've sorta set my synopsis to the side temporarily because I needed to give it a break and come back with fresh eyes so this definitely helps with spotting areas I need to revise. Thank you!

 

That's fair! When you pour over things too many times it can really turn into obsession and anxiety. Breaks are nice!

On the plus side, it does sound like your plot is good and makes sense, so once you nail the synopsis, you'll be reeling in those agents (Hopefully)!


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synopsis


#15 BrookeJS

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 05:17 PM

Thanks fair! When you pour over things too many times it can really turn into obsession and anxiety. Breaks are nice!

On the plus side, it does sound like your plot is good and makes sense, so once you nail the synopsis, you'll be reeling in those agents (Hopefully)!

 

Thank you I appreciate that! ^.^


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 






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