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ANOTHER END OF THE WORLD (adult science fiction)


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#1 hgrevemberg

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Posted 20 April 2018 - 08:23 PM

Cities with virtual skins controlled by artificial intelligence are the new fluid reality. The virtual becomes too real when the city of New Orleans transforms into a collective consciousness entity that begins to assimilate all life on earth.

The earth, repository of a million worlds, is covered by a substrate controlled by the robot alliance. Inside, a vast population of neuromorphs: virtual instances made to mimic human thought processes. This is the story of the last human record, and an evolutionary break. The major cities are all under domes. Inside, a fluid rendering of virtual architecture controlled by a central AI--the perfect conditions for a radical shift. Enter radical element 19, a ring entity spawned through a dimensional fold. He sparks a revolution in the rebel city of New Orleans through two protagonists. Rei, a beautiful assistant professor is a dark-skinned dazzler who, according to her rockstar lover Kat, has "a strength to her beauty that surpasses all other kinds."

Rei knows Dean, a dropout coder, the existentialist, through Escalon’s study on subverting evolutionary programming. They're the only two to pass without going insane. But they never bond. This isn’t a love story in a science fiction setting—there is love and broken love. Another End of the World juxtaposes human warmth against the cold reality of the burgeoning digital world, and the impossible step they take toward each other.

Rei quickly becomes a central figure in 19's JUSTICe, a cult-like group of elite minds who secretly initiate a quantom ring. Dean solves an anagram that leads back to her and JUSTICe. She convinces him to join, beginning a series of catastrophic events leading to his expulsion from the city. The story races from the hyper-real to a teeming wilderness to a jungle compound, where 19's emanations pull him into a dimensional fold. His DNA combines with an alien imprint. His perfect other is spawned: a ring entity, his anti-matter: Noi.

Dean returns to New Orleans possessed by her. Damned, Noi shadows him from the city to the outer zone, forcing them both through a series of trials and transformations. He suffers both an emotional and physical collapse. The city begins to fall around him. He’s seduced into an optical fold grown out of the quantom ring, where his longing for Noi bridges the gap between the earth and the dimensional fold. The union with her, as cataclysmic as the birth of a new star, courses back into the quantom ring. The city of New Orleans becomes sentient, lifting from the earth. This is the beginning of the assimilations.

ANOTHER END OF THE WORLD is a 110,000-word adult science fiction novel. My autobiographical novel, The Perfection of a Leaf (self-published as The Zen Revolution), was a semi-finalist in the Faulker-Wisdom competition. An American Zen monk training in the mountains of South Korea, I’ve studied meditation for more than 30 years. Many of my experiences and insights into human nature have been woven into Another End of the World.

Thank you for your consideration.

#2 Springfield

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Posted 20 April 2018 - 09:10 PM

Cities with virtual skins controlled by artificial intelligence are the new fluid reality. The virtual becomes too real when the city of New Orleans transforms into a collective consciousness entity that begins to assimilate all life on earth.

 

The earth, repository of a million worlds, is covered by a substrate controlled by the robot alliance. Inside, a vast population of neuromorphs: virtual instances made to mimic human thought processes. This is the story of the last human record, and an evolutionary break. The major cities are all under domes. Inside, a fluid rendering of virtual architecture controlled by a central AI--the perfect conditions for a radical shift. Enter radical element 19, a ring entity spawned through a dimensional fold. He sparks a revolution in the rebel city of New Orleans through two protagonists. Rei, a beautiful assistant professor is a dark-skinned dazzler who, according to her rockstar lover Kat, has "a strength to her beauty that surpasses all other kinds."

 

Rei knows Dean, a dropout coder, the existentialist, through Escalon’s study on subverting evolutionary programming. They're the only two to pass without going insane. But they never bond. This isn’t a love story in a science fiction setting—there is love and broken love. Another End of the World juxtaposes human warmth against the cold reality of the burgeoning digital world, and the impossible step they take toward each other.

 

Rei quickly becomes a central figure in 19's JUSTICe, a cult-like group of elite minds who secretly initiate a quantom ring. Dean solves an anagram that leads back to her and JUSTICe. She convinces him to join, beginning a series of catastrophic events leading to his expulsion from the city. The story races from the hyper-real to a teeming wilderness to a jungle compound, where 19's emanations pull him into a dimensional fold. His DNA combines with an alien imprint. His perfect other is spawned: a ring entity, his anti-matter: Noi.

 

Dean returns to New Orleans possessed by her. Damned, Noi shadows him from the city to the outer zone, forcing them both through a series of trials and transformations. He suffers both an emotional and physical collapse. The city begins to fall around him. He’s seduced into an optical fold grown out of the quantom ring, where his longing for Noi bridges the gap between the earth and the dimensional fold. The union with her, as cataclysmic as the birth of a new star, courses back into the quantom ring. The city of New Orleans becomes sentient, lifting from the earth. This is the beginning of the assimilations.

 

ANOTHER END OF THE WORLD is a 110,000-word adult science fiction novel. My autobiographical novel, The Perfection of a Leaf (self-published as The Zen Revolution), was a semi-finalist in the Faulker-Wisdom competition. An American Zen monk training in the mountains of South Korea, I’ve studied meditation for more than 30 years. Many of my experiences and insights into human nature have been woven into Another End of the World

 

Thank you for your consideration.

 

I'm going to suggest you do some research into queries -- there are stickied threads here, queries in progress, and archives at queryshark. This is not a query. I don't really know what it is; it goes back and forth between talking about the book and not, it's crazily long, deeply unclear... 



#3 rhwashere

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Posted 20 April 2018 - 09:33 PM

This doesn’t make sense to me, and I doubt it makes much sense to anyone unfamiliar with your book.

You need to write a letter (preferably under 300 words) that succinctly captures you main character, what she wants, what’s standing in her way, what she will do about it, and what she stands to lose. Reduce worldbuilding terms and concepts to what is strictly necessary to understanding those things.

Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...51718/?p=356935


#4 cmmg

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Posted 22 April 2018 - 09:56 AM

Cities with virtual skins controlled by artificial intelligence are the new fluid reality (There is a lot going on in this sentence, some people might be okay with it, but honestly, I don't know what's happening). The virtual becomes too real when the city of New Orleans transforms into a collective consciousness entity that begins to assimilate all life on earth. (This is more clear actually, and more of a hook)

The earth, repository of a million worlds, is covered by a substrate controlled by the robot alliance. (Aaaaand this is completely disconnected from the above paragraph) Inside, a vast population of neuromorphs: virtual instances made to mimic human thought processes. This is the story of the last human record, and an evolutionary break.(usually saying "This is the story of" is not a great sign) The major cities are all under domes (is this what you meant by the skin thing? Why is it here then and not where you first mentioned it). Inside, a fluid rendering of virtual architecture controlled by a central AI--the perfect conditions for a radical shift. Enter radical element 19, a ring entity spawned through a dimensional fold. He sparks a revolution in the rebel city of New Orleans through two protagonists. Rei, a beautiful assistant professor is a dark-skinned dazzler who, according to her rockstar lover Kat, has "a strength to her beauty that surpasses all other kinds." (Just because you have a character say it about someone else does not make this less telling)

Rei knows Dean, a dropout coder, the existentialist, through Escalon’s study on subverting evolutionary programming(I'm sure this is really cool, but like, pair this down, it's wordy and it's not great for tone. And not every agent will know what this means and if they don't that's a bad sign). They're the only two to pass without going insane (pass what? you lost me. If your query relies on someone knowing what this means, you're going to have a bad time). But they never bond. (Why would they bond?) This isn’t a love story in a science fiction setting—there is love and broken love. (this part of the query is not the place to be telling people what kind of story you mean. I think you're going for a snarky "but that's not this kind of story *finger snap* but it falls flat.) Another End of the World juxtaposes human warmth against the cold reality of the burgeoning digital world, and the impossible step they take toward each other. (SUPER vague. What does this even mean? And what do the character's even want?)

Rei quickly becomes a central figure in 19's JUSTICe, a cult-like group of elite minds who secretly initiate a quantom ring.(This is important because? Does she want this? WHat happens if she fails?) Dean solves an anagram that leads back to her and JUSTICe. She convinces him to join, beginning a series of catastrophic events leading to his expulsion from the city. (This is just a list) The story races from the hyper-real to a teeming wilderness to a jungle compound, where 19's emanations pull him into a dimensional fold (you don't-- you never say "then the story does this!" in a query, you actually have to show it. Like, they're not going to take your word for it). His DNA combines with an alien imprint. His perfect other is spawned: a ring entity, his anti-matter: Noi. (What does this mean)

Dean returns to New Orleans possessed by her. Damned, Noi shadows him from the city to the outer zone, forcing them both through a series of trials and transformations (trials and tribulations, vague, uninteresting). He suffers both an emotional and physical collapse (be more concrete. Not hyper specific, but something that someone can hold onto). The city begins to fall around him (why?). He’s seduced into an optical fold grown out of the quantom ring, where his longing for Noi bridges the gap between the earth and the dimensional fold. The union with her, as cataclysmic as the birth of a new star, courses back into the quantom ring. The city of New Orleans becomes sentient, lifting from the earth. This is the beginning of the assimilations (ut you mentioned this in the beginning? Also  fact, queries usually have to be in chronological order).

ANOTHER END OF THE WORLD is a 110,000-word adult science fiction novel. My autobiographical novel, The Perfection of a Leaf (self-published as The Zen Revolution) (Why does it have two different names?), was a semi-finalist in the Faulker-Wisdom competition. An American Zen monk training in the mountains of South Korea, I’ve studied meditation for more than 30 years. Many of my experiences and insights into human nature have been woven into Another End of the World (Mentioning you're a monk to give personality is cool but 100% it does not relate to your book. 100%. You could have been a dairy farmer and it's the same qualification. Being a monk doesn't give you any more insight into writing interesting characters and human nature than any other job. If you were talking about mediation, or describing meditation that sure. But just because you think you know a lot about human nature (which like, every person, being humans, knows something about) it doesn't help in this specific aspect which is story telling. This makes you seem a little reaching. ).

Thank you for your consideration.

 

Firstly, I think you're worldbuilding is confusing, and you spend too much time on it. You don't want to spend too much time on your conceit you just need a enough to spark interest, where you really dig into it in ways that aren't interesting. Why does anyone care that the substance they use for the reality skin thing is controlled by the robot alliance?

 

I think here you're more concerned with being accurate than being engaging. Start with Rei or Dean. Why does anyone care about the worldbuiling? They don't.

 

I think you need to go back to basics. What does Rei want? Like literally what is her individual aim. What is stopping her form getting it? How is she attempting to overcome it. Very simply like here in an imagined example "Rei wants nothing more than make associate professor, but when an artificial intelligence forces her to join a cult like group, that future is dashed. Rei must team up with dropout coder Dean, to get out, but along the way, something goes remiss!" Like I have no idea if she wants that but you gotta have HER GOAL + THING THAT STOPS HER  + HOW SHE TRIES TO SOLVE IT/COMPLICATIONS. Be concrete. I think you're trying to be SPECIFIC but you're not being concrete by being hyper-specific about science.

 

Have as little worldbuilding and extra details as possible and for the love of god do not include the phrase"this story" anywhere in the query.


_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

synopsis


#5 ShatteredSmooth

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Posted 22 April 2018 - 12:11 PM

I agree with the others that this is definitely too long. You don't need all that world building -- just the bare essentials. The query needs to be two or three short paragraphs focused on a character, what they want, what gets in their way, and what is at stake if they fail. Keep it short. Hook the agent so they want to find the details by reading your ms, 



#6 hgrevemberg

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Posted 23 April 2018 - 06:05 PM

Thank you everyone. Really wonderful to get such detailed criticism. Here's a slightly streamlined revision:

 

 

In future cities, virtual is the new fluid reality. The virtual becomes too real when the city of New Orleans transforms into a collective consciousness entity that begins to assimilate all life on earth.

 

Rei is unusual, one of the few to make it through evolutionary deprogramming without going insane. When her neighborhood, Dream, spirals into darkness, she discovers she has some affinity with the dark figure behind it. By aligning with it, she’s able to withstand the alien presence. She helps others caught in the web, forming a team of dropout coders named JUSTICe. Together they infiltrate the city’s quantum centers, linking them together into a massive quantum ring, unwittingly initiating a new lifeform. The city of New Orleans is brought to an inescapable new reality, a paradigm shift for humanity.

 

ANOTHER END OF THE WORLD is a 110,000-word adult science fiction novel with elements of cyberpunk, fantasy, and horror. My autobiographical novel, The Perfection of a Leaf (self-published as The Zen Revolution), was a semi-finalist in the Faulkner-Wisdom competition.

Thank you for your consideration. 



#7 Tanja

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Posted 24 April 2018 - 08:27 AM

Hi

First of all, I'm only suggesting ;-)

I read your first version and the new one. The problem I have with both version is the beginning.

In future cities, virtual is the new fluid reality. The virtual becomes too real when the city of New Orleans transforms into a collective consciousness entity that begins to assimilate all life on earth.

 

I keep thinking what could that Virtual new fluid reality be? And generally, the whole entry doesn't really come across as a hook because it's a little too confusing. Therefore I suggest to start with the next paragraph where you start with 'Rey is unusual ...'

 

By saying that, reading the first version, I kind of miss Dean in the second query. If  you find a way to blend your first version together with the second, then I think you'll be on the right track. Main reason why I'm saying this is because your first version is too detailed, why your second version is lacking detail and it falls rather flat.

 

Don't give up

Good luck


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

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#8 BetsyEm

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Posted 24 April 2018 - 08:54 PM

Thank you everyone. Really wonderful to get such detailed criticism. Here's a slightly streamlined revision:

 

 

In future cities, virtual is the new fluid reality. I' not sure what 'fluid reality' is. The virtual becomes too real when the city of New Orleans transforms into a collective consciousness entity that begins to assimilate not sure how this word functions here all life on earth.

 

Rei is unusual, one of the few to make it through evolutionary deprogramming without going insane. When her neighborhood, Dream, spirals into darkness, she discovers she has some affinity with the dark figure behind it. By aligning with it, she’s able to withstand the alien presence.Do you mean x-files Aliens, or just a presence that is unnatural to her? If it's not capital-a Aliens, I'd use a different word. She helps others caught in the web, forming a team of dropout coders this rag-tag team is honestly what I'm most interested in so far. named JUSTICe. Together they infiltrate the city’s quantum centers, linking them together into a massive quantum ring, unwittingly initiating a new lifeform. The city of New Orleans is brought to an inescapable new reality, a paradigm shift for humanity.

 

ANOTHER END OF THE WORLD is a 110,000-word adult science fiction novel with elements of cyberpunk, fantasy, and horror. My autobiographical novel, The Perfection of a Leaf (self-published as The Zen Revolution), was a semi-finalist in the Faulkner-Wisdom competition.

Thank you for your consideration. 

This is much shorter than your first one, but now, you're about a little more than halfway to that 300 word sweet spot. You have some room to add some details. 

 

Right now, this is functioning as a very sparse summary. The heart of a query letter is to really define your character and show stakes. What's their goal, what's stopping them, what do they need to sacrifice in order to achieve it. We need to know more about Rei. What's special about her to have a whole story built around her specifically? Why do we care about her? 

 

I'm not a big sci-fi reader, so I suspect there's some genre knowledge that I don't have that will bridge some things for the person who you'll actually be sending this to, but there are sections of this that just sound like a string of computer words to me. 

 

The good news is that it sounds like you've been able to boil what sounds like a complicated plot down into something pretty concise. You can build in more about Rei from here. Good luck! 


Currently working on my query for The Great and Terrible Carter Dynasty


#9 punitrastogi

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Posted 25 April 2018 - 06:48 AM

I have no idea what is written in your query, and I have been reading science fiction and scientific research ever since I was a kid.

 

Thank you everyone. Really wonderful to get such detailed criticism. Here's a slightly streamlined revision:

 

 

In future cities, virtual is the new fluid reality.(What does this mean? Are we in a video game or augmented reality or something else?) The virtual (I sense that "virtual" might be an environment like an Open-world map of a video game. Am I right?) becomes too real when the city of New Orleans transforms into a collective consciousness entity that begins to assimilate all life on earth. (Either way, it is not a great hook because the terms are familiar, but their usage isn't. So even if the stakes are clearly highlighted from your perspective, it doesn't interest the reader a lot.)

 

Rei is unusual, one of the few to make it through evolutionary deprogramming (Is/Was Rei a human or an android or something else? If human, what was the deprogramming?) without going insane. When her neighborhood, Dream, spirals into darkness, she discovers she has some affinity with the dark figure behind it. By aligning with it, she’s able to withstand the alien presence (What alien presence? You have not classified anything that you have mentioned so far. What kind of a world is this? Who lives in it? Who is Rei, the dark figure, and how is this associated with aliens?). She helps others caught in the web (Web of machines like the internet, web of traps, web of what?), forming a team of dropout coders (so rei is a coder, but then what is deprogramming and how is she associated with the dark figure?) named JUSTICe. Together they infiltrate the city’s quantum centers (Why? What are quantum centers and why is JUSTICe doing it?), linking them together into a massive quantum ring, unwittingly initiating a new lifeform. The city of New Orleans is brought to an inescapable new reality, a paradigm shift for humanity (Is this before, after, or the same as your hook?).

 

ANOTHER END OF THE WORLD is a 110,000-word adult science fiction novel with elements of cyberpunk, fantasy, and horror. My autobiographical novel, The Perfection of a Leaf (self-published as The Zen Revolution), was a semi-finalist in the Faulkner-Wisdom competition.

Thank you for your consideration. 

 

My understanding is that a query should result in inquisitiveness and not a questionnaire.

You have to lead the reader to your viewing plane or the world you are imagining and then proceed from there.

What it looks like right now is a marvelous story written in words no one understands and characters who no one recognises.

 

Hope it helps.

 

Please have a look at my query as well.



#10 hgrevemberg

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Posted 27 May 2018 - 01:35 AM

A new version. I put this aside to finish the second copy edit of the manuscript, and to get some perspective:

When Rei encounters a supernatural force riding inside the augmented reality of a future New Orleans, her life is no longer her own.

Rei, not knowing the enormity of the forces at work, learns to align with the dark emanations that have shaken her neighborhood loose. When others are drawn in, she becomes the epicenter of a movement: a team of dropout coders named JUSTICe.

As Rei struggles to understand the strange new reality erupting around them, they work together to fulfill the JUSTICe protocol. They infiltrate the city's quantum centers, linking them together to form an enormous quantum ring.

She’s joined by Dean, the only other one to pass an impossible trial in evolutionary deprogramming; the only one to capture a data print from the anagrams popping up all over the city.

He’s quickly captured and cast out of the city, where he stumbles on the source of the dark emanations: a dimensional fold.

What empowers her destroys him. Just as Rei turns her back on him, she discovers that he’s the JUSTICe protocol. She begrudgingly facilitates his entry into the quantum ring, where he inadvertently gives up his life, initiating a paradigm shift for all life on earth. The human and machine merge, the city awakens, the city dome is transformed into a collective of conscious life. Its citizens face a difficult choice: to live and die and be forgotten, or to give up their own identities and merge with the collective, to become eternal.

Rei, after witnessing the new life being born, leaves with the remnants of JUSTICe. The human population greatly depleted, they pass through dead cities, where the only things moving are the robots left behind.

The robots form an alliance, who work together with JUSTICe to establish a new quantum ring in Los Angeles.

Before LA is fully realized, she becomes entangled in another dimensional fold that appears outside of New York. Rei finally enters, and with her all of the remaining members of JUSTICe. The city lifts from the earth, joining the others as they transport across the universe, assimilating whatever life they encounter.

ANOTHER END OF THE WORLD is a 105,000-word adult science fiction novel with elements of cyberpunk, fantasy, and horror. My autobiographical novel, The Perfection of a Leaf (self-published as The Zen Revolution), was a semi-finalist in the Faulkner-Wisdom competition.

Thank you for your consideration.

#11 lnloft

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Posted 27 May 2018 - 09:13 PM

A new version. I put this aside to finish the second copy edit of the manuscript, and to get some perspective:

When Rei encounters a supernatural force riding inside the augmented reality of a future New Orleans, her life is no longer her own. This sentence has a lot going on in it. I put those different chunks in different colors to highlight the sort of rhythm, where there feels almost like there's a pause, and then you keep going. Sort of like a building punchline, if you will, where if this was dialogue each color would be separated by ellipses. So this is my long-winded way of saying this is a lot to take in. Plus, that last clause that I didn't highlight is too vague to have the proper punch.

Rei, not knowing the enormity of the forces at work, learns to align with the dark emanations that have shaken her neighborhood loose. When others are drawn in, she becomes the epicenter of a movement: a team of dropout coders named JUSTICe. Okay, so, honestly, there's still too much going on, and I can't follow it. Like, usually this is where I start asking questions, but I'm not even sure what to ask right now. Sorry. Simplify. Also, just a head's up: when I first saw JUSTICe, I thought the "e" at the end was a typo. A quick glance show's it's intentional, and I know of acronyms doing stuff like that, so I get it, but you might not want to risk an agent thinking you can't write out the name of something from your book. I don't know if you want to call it JUSTICE for the sake of the query, or avoid it's name, but it's something to consider.

As Rei struggles to understand the strange new reality erupting around them, they work together to fulfill the JUSTICe protocol. They infiltrate the city's quantum centers, linking them together to form an enormous quantum ring. I still don't know what's going on.

She’s joined by Dean, the only other one to pass an impossible trial in evolutionary deprogramming; the only one to capture a data print from the anagrams popping up all over the city.

He’s quickly captured and cast out of the city, where he stumbles on the source of the dark emanations: a dimensional fold.

What empowers her destroys him. Just as Rei turns her back on him, she discovers that he’s the JUSTICe protocol. I... what? I already wasn't following what was happening, but now a person is a protocol? She begrudgingly facilitates his entry into the quantum ring, where he inadvertently gives up his life, initiating a paradigm shift for all life on earth. The human and machine merge, the city awakens, the city dome is transformed into a collective of conscious life. Its citizens face a difficult choice: to live and die and be forgotten, or to give up their own identities and merge with the collective, to become eternal.

Rei, after witnessing the new life being born, leaves with the remnants of JUSTICe. The human population greatly depleted, they pass through dead cities, where the only things moving are the robots left behind.

The robots form an alliance, who work together with JUSTICe to establish a new quantum ring in Los Angeles.

Before LA is fully realized, she becomes entangled in another dimensional fold that appears outside of New York. Rei finally enters, and with her all of the remaining members of JUSTICe. The city lifts from the earth, joining the others as they transport across the universe, assimilating whatever life they encounter.

ANOTHER END OF THE WORLD is a 105,000-word adult science fiction novel with elements of cyberpunk, fantasy, and horror. Too many genres. It makes you seem wishy-washy or uncertain about where your book fits. My autobiographical novel, The Perfection of a Leaf (self-published as The Zen Revolution), was a semi-finalist in the Faulkner-Wisdom competition.

Thank you for your consideration.

So, as I went through, I realized part of the problem is that you're trying to fit the entire book in here. A query isn't a synopsis. It's more similar to (but not identical to) the blurb on the back of the book. So you need to focus on the first quarter to third of your book. What is the inciting incident? What does Rei want, what happens if she fails, what happens if she succeeds? This is also part of why your query is so long (well over 300 words, when the sweet spot tends to be more 200-250). So, simplify. We don't need to know every detail, just enough to entice us but not confuse us. And I am confused. You talk about "augmented reality" and "dark emanations" and "quantum centers" and "evolutionary deprogramming" and... I could go on. The point is that while these might work in your book when we have the time to absorb them, they're just clutter in a short query. They throw the reader off, and each thing piles on top of the other, so once I start getting confused, each one just keeps compounding the problem.

 

Also, show us a bit more about Rei. Who is she and why should we care about her? Basically, all that I could definitively pick up about her is that she is confused about what's going on. Which I sympathize with, but I don't even really get why she's involved.

 

So, give us just the start of the book, so we see how the adventure starts and want to keep going with it, simplify what you're talking about, and show us why Rei is the hero we want to spend 105,000 words hanging out with. Easy, right? (Ah ha ha ha ha ha... no, it's not. That's why my query's on draft 16. But that's also why we're here). Once more unto the breach, my friend. Good luck.


Nothing to reciprocate on right now; I'm off in the query trenches.


#12 hgrevemberg

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Posted 27 May 2018 - 09:33 PM

Thank you lnloft. Really good to have your eye on this. I'll return the favor when I master this form.

#13 cmmg

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Posted 28 May 2018 - 09:01 AM

A new version. I put this aside to finish the second copy edit of the manuscript, and to get some perspective:

When Rei encounters a supernatural force riding inside the augmented reality of a future New Orleans, her life is no longer her own. (There's us much going on here.)

Rei, not knowing the enormity of the forces at work, learns to align with the dark emanations (what does this even mean?) that have shaken her neighborhood loose. When others are drawn in (to what?), she becomes the epicenter of a movement: a team of dropout coders named JUSTICe.(how does a team of dropout coders learn or relate to the problem of a supernatural force taking over her life? These sentences need to develop off one another but it feels like they're just additions. Like a synopsis.)

As Rei struggles to understand the strange new reality erupting around them(This makes it seem like rei uses "they/them" pronouns when you already used "she/her" pronouns for her. Since you only mean Rei, saying "them" to imply "Rei struggles to...erupting around the groupd of coders" adds nothing and is confusing because you already started a a new paragraph and seemingless stopped talking about Justice ), they work together to fulfill the JUSTICe protocol (which is? being specific doesn't mean giving detail and not explaining it, it means being clar). They infiltrate the city's quantum centers, linking them together to form an enormous quantum ring (now you're definitely at synopsis terroritory, you're describing events.).

She’s joined by Dean, the only other one to pass an impossible trial in evolutionary deprogramming(this still doesn't make sense and the next sentence isn't clearly about explaining it.); the only one to capture a data print from the anagrams (what does this mean?) popping up all over the city.

He’s quickly captured and cast out of the city, where he stumbles on the source of the dark emanations: a dimensional fold (I still don't know what the heck a dark emanation is for this to really mean anything).

What empowers her (who?) destroys him. Just as Rei turns her back on him, she discovers that he’s the JUSTICe protocol (no idea what this means). She begrudgingly facilitates his entry into the quantum ring, where he inadvertently gives up his life, initiating a paradigm shift for all life on earth. The human and machine merge, the city awakens, the city dome is transformed into a collective of conscious life. Its citizens face a difficult choice: to live and die and be forgotten, or to give up their own identities and merge with the collective, to become eternal.

Rei, after witnessing the new life being born, leaves with the remnants of JUSTICe. The human population greatly depleted, they pass through dead cities, where the only things moving are the robots left behind.

The robots form an alliance, who work together with JUSTICe to establish a new quantum ring in Los Angeles.

Before LA is fully realized, she becomes entangled in another dimensional fold that appears outside of New York. Rei finally enters, and with her all of the remaining members of JUSTICe. The city lifts from the earth, joining the others as they transport across the universe, assimilating whatever life they encounter. (all of this is synopsis.)

ANOTHER END OF THE WORLD is a 105,000-word adult science fiction novel with elements of cyberpunk, fantasy, and horror. My autobiographical novel, The Perfection of a Leaf (self-published as The Zen Revolution), was a semi-finalist in the Faulkner-Wisdom competition.

Thank you for your consideration.

 

I feel like this has all the old problems in it. Putting it way too much, especially unnecessary worldbuilding, not explaining anything etc. It is improved in that there's a clear character focus, but I think Inloft hit most of the issues dead on.


_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

synopsis


#14 hgrevemberg

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Posted 31 May 2018 - 04:57 PM

As I mentioned in an earlier draft, I'm a Zen monk, and just starting the summer retreat period, so I'll be online only sporadically for the next three months. However, the work continues:

When Rei encounters a supernatural force, not only is her life profoundly altered, but the lives of everyone on earth.

Though Rei is one of the few able to pass through an impossible trial of evolutionary deprogramming--a mysterious program designed to screen for candidates capable of breaching the wall of self--she’s ejected after showing signs of clairvoyance. Nearly everyone else is sent to the mental ward.

Her new awareness attracts a dark force, an intensity that only increases, corrupting everything in her environment, until the walls began heaving--her entire neighborhood, Dream, rattles loose.

If Dream is the epicenter of an evolutionary shift, Rei is the point of convergence. Not only must she learn to align with the dark force she’s encountered, but to help those who are drawn in, those able to solve the anagrams appearing across the city.

Dean, the only one to successfully navigate the trials of evolutionary deprogramming, joins her, and falls in love. Unattainable, Rei’s steely rejection is a doomed spiral that pulls him deeper into the cult-like following erupting around her: Justice.

Dean is driven into a new unknown just as Justice races to complete a quantum ring, secretly linking together all of the city's quantum compute centers. Dean enters the machine, and finds eternal life.

A paradigm shift for humanity, all that follow face a difficult choice: to give up their bodies and live forever, or to stay behind. Is it the end of the world?

ANOTHER END OF THE WORLD is a 105,000-word adult science fiction novel, a dark force cyberpunk. My autobiographical novel, The Perfection of a Leaf (self-published as The Zen Revolution), was a semi-finalist in the Faulkner-Wisdom competition.

Thank you for your consideration.

#15 punitrastogi

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Posted 01 June 2018 - 05:51 AM

Ok.

As a simple exercise, I am just going to highlight things that push me back:

- the terms/names you have used that have a purpose in your story are highlighted in blue (9 in total).

- Words that break my flow and make me re-read are underlined

 

As I mentioned in an earlier draft, I'm a Zen monk, and just starting the summer retreat period, so I'll be online only sporadically for the next three months. However, the work continues:

When Rei encounters a supernatural force, not only is her life profoundly(vague) altered, but the lives of everyone on earth.

Though Rei is one of the few able to pass through an impossible trial of evolutionary deprogramming--a mysterious program designed to screen for candidates capable of breaching the wall of self(What is the wall of self?)--she’s ejected after showing signs of clairvoyance. Nearly everyone else is sent to the mental ward.(Who are we talking about here? Other candidates, her neighbourhood, or all other humans?)

Her new awareness (What awareness? I thought she was passing through a test. How is that related to awareness?) attracts a dark force, an intensity that only increases, corrupting everything in her environment, until the walls began heaving (Are we talking about real walls or the wall of self? adn what do you mean by heaving?)--her entire neighborhood, Dream, rattles loose.

If Dream is the epicenter of an evolutionary shift, Rei is the point of convergence. Not only must she learn to align with the dark force she’s encountered(so is the ark force evil or not? if it is, why is she aligning with it?), but to help those who are drawn in(drawn to what?), those able to solve the anagrams appearing across the city(What anagrams?).

Dean, the only one to successfully navigate the trials of evolutionary deprogramming, joins her, and falls in love. Unattainable, Rei’s steely rejection is a doomed spiral that pulls him deeper into the cult-like following erupting around her: Justice.

Dean is driven into a new unknown just as Justice races to complete a quantum ring, secretly linking together all of the city's quantum compute centers. Dean enters the machine, and finds eternal life.

A paradigm shift for humanity, all that follow face a difficult choice: to give up their bodies and live forever, or to stay behind. Is it the end of the world?

ANOTHER END OF THE WORLD is a 105,000-word adult science fiction novel, a dark force cyberpunk. My autobiographical novel, The Perfection of a Leaf (self-published as The Zen Revolution), was a semi-finalist in the Faulkner-Wisdom competition.

Thank you for your consideration.

 

I feel you are not pointing to the core USP of your story, and just beating around the bush with the terms and characters of your plot.

 

Focus on the following

Who is Rei - What kind of world she lives in - what does she try to do (without mentioning "evolutionary deprogramming") - what happened when it failed (arrival and little description of the dark force - what does the dark force want to achieve - what does Rei need to do to stop it

 

Mentioning Dean, his failure to woo Rei, his fall towards "Justice", and their goal, is a total waste.

 

I say this because your started with mentioning that the Dark Force is your main problem, but end up having Justice as the bigger villain.

 

If they truly are, I think should focus on Dean as your protagonist and Rei part of his background story.

 

Figure it out and then try and simplify it as much as possible.

And then simplify it some more.

Until a middle schooler would be able to understand what is written and what the story is about.



#16 hgrevemberg

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Posted 12 June 2018 - 10:22 PM

Thank you. I usually try to digest the corrections and advice, and plunge ahead. Maybe I'm recreating some of the same problems, but my process is like that. I've never worked so hard on a piece before. It's far from intuitive, but I do feel I'm getting closer.

 

 

When Rei encounters a supernatural force, not only is her life profoundly altered, but the lives of everyone on earth.

 

Rei, a beautiful assistant professor is the first point of contact. She gains the ability to see into others' minds and becomes aware of something more: a dark force beyond anything she could conceive of. It erupts everywhere around her--glitchy holo displays, random bursts of code, heaving walls--until her entire neighborhood rattles loose. The city had a dream to escape, it seemed, but carbon and steel did not articulate well.

 

Unable to escape the broken streets of Dream, for the dark force behind it, she learns to align with it. Others caught on the madness are drawn to her. She falls in love with Kat, the wild singer of noise band Terminus Flux, just as Dean, a dropout coder who rises to the top, falls at her feet. Her steely rejection is a doomed spiral that drives him deeper into Justice, the cult-like group gathering around her, into the source of the dark emanations itself.

 

She gives everything to the dark force, everything that she knows. As the city of New Orleans falls under its spell, she escapes with the remnants of Justice to the lost City of Angels, and from there to New York. Soon Rei, and the world, will face a difficult choice: to join the collective and lose the self, to become eternal, or to remain human.

 

ANOTHER END OF THE WORLD is a 105,000-word adult science fiction novel, a dark force cyberpunk. My autobiographical novel, The Perfection of a Leaf (self-published as The Zen Revolution), was a semi-finalist in the Faulkner-Wisdom competition.

Thank you for your consideration.



#17 punitrastogi

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Posted 13 June 2018 - 02:53 AM

Ok.

 

This is definitely an improvement.

The plot is much clearer, and the flow much smoother.

 

However, there are still too many and unnecessary terms, names, and characters in the query.

I was able to follow till you brought the love angle into the query, which does not contribute anything.

 

Here are my comments.

Thank you. I usually try to digest the corrections and advice, and plunge ahead. Maybe I'm recreating some of the same problems, but my process is like that. I've never worked so hard on a piece before. It's far from intuitive, but I do feel I'm getting closer.

 

 

When Rei encounters a supernatural force, not only is her life profoundly altered, but the lives of everyone on earth.(I know that you have explained the "alteration" in the query, but as a hook - the first thing an agent reads - this seems vague and extremely cliched. I would recommend you discuss this in this forum first.)

 

Rei, an beautiful assistant professor is the first point of contact(Of what?). She and gains the ability to see into others' minds.(period) and The ability leads her to (not exactly this line, but a similar approach) becomes aware of something more: a dark force whose effects seem to  beyond anything she could conceive of. It erupt everywhere around her.(period) Glitchy holo displays, random bursts of code, and heaving walls keep popping up until her entire neighborhood rattles loose (AGain, I dont know if this "rattles loose" is actually happening or her imagination or things that she sees). The city had a dream to escape, it seemed, but carbon and steel did not articulate well.(I have no idea what this means. I dont think using philosophical terms in the query of a science-fiction novel is a good idea. But that just might be me.)

 

(========= This is where your query falls apart. Before this, it is much clearer. But after this are things that need a lot of effort from the reader to follow.============)

 

Unable to escape the broken streets of Dream(If the city is named 'Dream', you need to mention it before. But I would recommend removing the name entirely.), for the dark force behind it, she learns to align with it. Others caught on the madness are drawn to her.(how? why?) She falls in love with Kat, the wild singer of noise band Terminus Flux, just as Dean, a dropout coder who rises to the top, falls at her feet. Her steely rejection is a doomed spiral that drives him deeper into Justice, the cult-like group gathering around her, into the source of the dark emanations itself.

 

She gives (Literally or figuratively?) everything to the dark force, everything that she knows to the dark force. As the city of New Orleans (I thought the city was called Dream!) falls under its spell, she escapes with the remnants of Justice to the lost City of Angels (Why not use LA instead?), and from there to New York. Soon Rei, and the world, will face a difficult choice: to join the collective and lose the self, to become eternal, or to remain human.(This is abrupt, vague and cliche, and does not tell me about the stakes or dangers.)

 

ANOTHER END OF THE WORLD is a 105,000-word adult science fiction novel, a dark force cyberpunk. My autobiographical novel, The Perfection of a Leaf (self-published as The Zen Revolution), was a semi-finalist in the Faulkner-Wisdom competition.

Thank you for your consideration.

 

I can imagine the frustration when others are not able to comprehend your intuitiveness, and that leads back to you to do something that doesnt come naturally.

I guess the blank canvas you are looking for is your book. You can do anything with it.

But the wrapping paper needs to be attractive enough to lure and lead the audience to your piece of art.

 

Once you have the audience, you have the control on how you want to present your thoughts to them.

But until then, you would have to play by their rules.

 

My suggestion would be to read your query to someone in his/her mid-teens.

If they understand the concepts and the events, the query would be explanatory enough.

Then you can focus on the stakes, hook, etc.

 

Hope it helps. :)



#18 punitrastogi

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Posted 13 June 2018 - 03:11 AM

I know I was very harsh on this version of your query.

But knowing your plot a bit better, I nowthink this is the best way to put forward your book.

With some changes of course.

 

Thank you everyone. Really wonderful to get such detailed criticism. Here's a slightly streamlined revision:

 

 

In future cities, virtual is the new fluid reality. The virtual becomes too real when the city of New Orleans transforms into a collective consciousness entity that begins to assimilate all life on earth.

Something is assimilating the consciousness of the residents of a future New Orleans. As its strength grows, the Dark Force, grows greedy and threatens the entire human race. Rei was the first one to detect it, and maybe the only chance for humanity.

 

Rei is unusual, one of the few to make it through evolutionary deprogramming without going insane. When her neighborhood, Dream, spirals into darkness, she Rei discovers she has some her affinity with the entity dark figure behind it the dark force. By aligning with it, she’s able to withstand its effect, and understand the technology of the alien presence. She helps others caught in the 'consciousness-cluster' web, forming a team of dropout coders named JUSTICe. Together They infiltrate the city’s quantum centers, linking them together into a massive quantum ring, unwittingly initiating a new lifeform. The city of New Orleans is brought to an inescapable new reality, a paradigm shift for humanity. (Sorry, but I could not do anything with this part. Are you suggesting two antagonists? Maybe include the stakes at the end of your latest version here. That should complete your query.)

 

ANOTHER END OF THE WORLD is a 110,000-word adult science fiction novel with elements of cyberpunk, fantasy, and horror. My autobiographical novel, The Perfection of a Leaf (self-published as The Zen Revolution), was a semi-finalist in the Faulkner-Wisdom competition.

Thank you for your consideration. 

 

Hope it helps. :)






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