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DEATH AND ROBOT GIRL (YA Sci-Fi Fantasy) UPDATE in #41

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#41 cmmg

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Posted 23 May 2018 - 02:15 PM

Revision #4

I tried to just incorporate some new ideas here to see if I was going in the right direction before I pruned words. This has the same amount of Lauren but I tried to rearrange it so it's more from Kira's POV. Is that element working?

 

Also, I tried to change the line that Micronesia didn't like a bit. It's a pretty gruesome moment still, but is giving the gruesomeness to the attacker and not Kira better? I was also considering "Instead, Kira has a new goal: find the man who hurt her brother and make him pay" but I feel "hurt her brother" is weak when the brother has his throat slit.

Also consider "a book Lauren travelled into, in order to save Kira's life. If Lauren is right..." I feel this makes Lauren's motives clearer, but takes away the ominous doom.

 

ANYWAY! I included these two to sort of compare and constrast them, if something works better in one, or if they both have the same issues.

 

 

Version A

Dear Agent,

Being a teen android—and the only android ever—isn’t fun, it sucks. Movie androids get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira Garcia gets is overheating, a human family that forgets she’s not human, but still insists she can’t feel, and oh yeah, a sadistic creator who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience.

 

And it’s pretty clear she’s sentient.

 

All Kira wants is freedom—and to figure out why she was made. So, when her creators finally order her demolition, her only hope is to convince her family to escape with her. But when an attack meant for Kira leaves her brother in the hospital, all hope for escape is dashed, she can't abandon her brother.

 

Instead, Kira has a new goal: find the man who slit her brother’s throat and make him pay.

 

Enter Lauren, a girl who makes Kira question her very reality. Apparently, Lauren is from  some kind of parallel universe, a world where Kira’s entire life is a book. A book Lauren travelled into in order to save Kira from gruesome, gruesome death. If Lauren’s right, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. What’s more, her makers have other androids; androids in just as much trouble as Kira. But Lauren doesn’t care about saving their lives. According to Lauren, saving them might mean giving up Kira’s one chance at revenge—and her one chance at life—but who is Kira if she lets them die?[K1] 

 

DEATH AND ROBOT GIRL is etc etc

 [K1]but the alternative is to let innocents die for her.

 

 

Version B

 

Here's a new draft more similar to the old one for contrast.

 

Dear Agent,

 

Being a teen android—and the only android ever—isn’t fun, it sucks. Movie androids get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira Garcia gets is overheating, a human family that forgets she’s not human, and oh yeah, a sadistic creator who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience.

 

And it’s pretty clear she’s sentient.

 

So, when her creator finally orders her demolition, Kira’s only hope is to convince her family to help her escape. But when an attack meant for Kira leaves her brother stuck in the hospital, all hope for escape is dashed. She can’t abandon her brother. Instead, Kira has a new goal: find the man who hurt her brother and slit his throat.

 

But Kira soon realizes that someone is following her, someone who is about to change Kira’s very definition of reality. According to Kira’s stalker, Lauren, Kira is a character in a book. A book that Lauren travelled into. And she has grim predictions for the ending.

 

Turns out, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. What’s more, her makers have other androids; androids in just as much trouble as Kira. Taking the time to save them might mean giving up her one shot at revenge—and according to Lauren, her one chance at life—but who is she if she lets them die?


_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

synopsis


#42 rhwashere

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Posted 23 May 2018 - 02:51 PM

I think you're taking a step back from your previous version, which was near perfect. I'm quoting the old one below and just making a few cuts (based on new knowledge). Your new one doesn't have as much voice and gets a little muddled in the Lauren paragraph. All I did to your previous version was eliminate some (but not all) of the italics, some of the dashes, combined two sentences into one in paragraph 3, and rearranged the last two paragraphs a bit. In my opinion, that's all you need.

DRAFT # 3

 

Dear X,

 

Sci-Fi lied. Being a teen android—and the only android in existence—isn’t fun, it sucks. Book androids get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira Garcia gets is overheating, a human family that forgets she’s not human, and oh yeah, a sadistic creator who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience.

 

And Kira? It’s pretty clear she’s sentient.

 

So, when her creator finally orders her demolition, Kira’s only hope is to convince her family to help her escape before her creator strikes. But when an attack meant for Kira leaves her brother in the hospital, all hope for escape is dashed. Instead, Kira has a new goal: find the man who gave the order to kill her brother and slit his throat.

 

But Kira soon realizes that someone is following her, and that’s when things get crazy. Apparently, Kira has more in common with book androids than she thought, namely she is one. At least according to Kira’s latest stalker, Lauren. In Lauren’s world, Kira is a character in a book. And not a book that ends well.

 

Turns out, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. What’s more, there are other androids; androids in just as much trouble as Kira. Saving them might mean giving up Kira’s one chance at revenge and, according to Lauren, her one chance at life. But who is she if she lets them die?

 

DEATH AND ROBOT GIRL is a 90,000-word etc. etc.


Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...51718/?p=356935


#43 cmmg

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Posted 23 May 2018 - 02:54 PM

I think you're taking a step back from your previous version, which was near perfect. I'm quoting the old one below and just making a few cuts (based on new knowledge). Your new one doesn't have as much voice and gets a little muddled in the Lauren paragraph. All I did to your previous version was eliminate some (but not all) of the italics, some of the dashes, combined two sentences into one in paragraph 3, and rearranged the last two paragraphs a bit. In my opinion, that's all you need.

 

The only thing is I don't actually like the Lauren paragraph I had. I feel like it's clearer but some of the sentences are off. If you could add more about what you felt was wrong with this Lauren paragraph, that's be really helpful.

 

EDIT: I included my slighlty modified version of the old query for comparison.


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synopsis


#44 rhwashere

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Posted 23 May 2018 - 03:04 PM

It's not that the new Lauren paragraph is wrong or unclear. It's just dry. The previous one had more life to it (expressions like: "that's when things get crazy" and the "more in common with book androids than she thought" sentence). It felt conversational, like your character was writing it herself. This new one feels more like a travel brochure. Factually accurate, but not as engaging.


Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...51718/?p=356935


#45 cmmg

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Posted 23 May 2018 - 03:11 PM

It's not that the new Lauren paragraph is wrong or unclear. It's just dry. The previous one had more life to it (expressions like: "that's when things get crazy" and the "more in common with book androids than she thought" sentence). It felt conversational, like your character was writing it herself. This new one feels more like a travel brochure. Factually accurate, but not as engaging.

It's funny you mention that because people didn't like both those expressions for being too telling and implying the wrong thing respectively. If it's just a voice issue but all the sentiments are right, that's actually really easy for me to fix personally. It's only when things are implying the wrong thing that I have trouble with.


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synopsis


#46 rhwashere

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Posted 23 May 2018 - 03:13 PM

Well, it just goes to show you how subjective this whole exercise is. In the end, you have to go with what you believe in most. 


Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...51718/?p=356935


#47 Tree

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Posted 23 May 2018 - 03:47 PM

I like the new book-jumping paragraph. Get a little bit more of your voice in there & I think it'll really sing.



#48 MICRONESIA

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Posted 23 May 2018 - 04:36 PM

Revision #4

I tried to just incorporate some new ideas here to see if I was going in the right direction before I pruned words. This has the same amount of Lauren but I tried to rearrange it so it's more from Kira's POV. Is that element working?

 

Also, I tried to change the line that Micronesia didn't like a bit. It's a pretty gruesome moment still, but is giving the gruesomeness to the attacker and not Kira better? YES. I was also considering "Instead, Kira has a new goal: find the man who hurt her brother and make him pay" but I feel "hurt her brother" is weak when the brother has his throat slit.

Also consider "a book Lauren travelled into, in order to save Kira's life. If Lauren is right..." I feel this makes Lauren's motives clearer, but takes away the ominous doom.

 

ANYWAY! I included these two to sort of compare and constrast them, if something works better in one, or if they both have the same issues.

 

 

Version A

Dear Agent,

Being a teen android—and the only android ever—isn’t fun, it sucks. Movie androids get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira Garcia gets is overheating, a human family that forgets she’s not human, but still insists she can’t feel, and oh yeah, a sadistic creator who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience.

 

And it’s pretty clear she’s sentient.

 

All Kira wants is freedom—and to figure out why she was made. So, when her creators finally order her demolition, her only hope is to convince her family to escape with her. But when an attack meant for Kira leaves her brother in the hospital, all hope for escape is dashed, she can't abandon her brother.

 

Instead, Kira has a new goal: find the man who slit her brother’s throat and make him pay.

 

Enter Lauren, a girl who makes Kira question her very reality. Lauren is from a parallel universe, a world where Kira’s entire life is a book. A book Lauren travelled into. And not a book that ends well. If Lauren’s right, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. What’s more, her makers have other androids; androids in just as much trouble as Kira. But Lauren doesn’t care about saving their lives. According to Lauren, saving them might mean giving up Kira’s one chance at revenge—and her one chance at life—but who is Kira if she lets them die?[K1] 

 

DEATH AND ROBOT GIRL is etc etc

 [K1]but the alternative is to let innocents die for her.

 

 

Version B

 

Here's a slightly improved version of the old one for contrast.

 

Dear Agent,

 

Being a teen android—and the only android ever—isn’t fun, it sucks. Movie androids get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira Garcia gets is overheating, a human family that forgets she’s not human, and oh yeah, a sadistic creator who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience.

 

And it’s pretty clear she’s sentient.

 

So, when her creator finally orders her demolition, Kira’s only hope is to convince her family to help her escape. But when an attack meant for Kira leaves her brother stuck in the hospital, all hope for escape is dashed. She can’t abandon her brother. Instead, Kira has a new goal: find the man who hurt her brother and slit his throat.

 

But Kira soon realizes that someone is following her, someone who is about to change Kira’s very definition of reality. According to Kira’s stalker, Lauren, Kira is a character in a book. A book that Lauren travelled into. And she has grim predictions for the ending.

 

Turns out, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. What’s more, her makers have other androids; androids in just as much trouble as Kira. Taking the time to save them might mean giving up her one shot at revenge—and according to Lauren, her one chance at life—but who is she if she lets them die?

 

Yes, it should be the baddie doing the throat slitting. But the brother doesn't die? This could be confusing. For Kira, it feels out of character to have her consider this. 

 

That said, I prefer the second query. It's snappier. But there are elements of both I love. Lemme give it a try....

 

 

 

 

Being a teen android—and the only android ever—isn’t fun, it sucks. Movie androids get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira Garcia gets is overheating, a human family who insist she can’t feel, and oh yeah, a sadistic creator who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience.

 

And it’s pretty clear she’s sentient.

 

All Kira wants is freedom—and to figure out why she was made. So when her creators finally order her demolition, her only hope is to convince her family to help her escape. But after an attack meant for Kira leaves her brother in the hospital, all hope for escape is dashed.

 

Now Kira has a new goal: find the man who slit her brother’s throat and make him pay.

 

Enter Lauren, a girl who makes Kira question her very reality. Lauren is from a parallel universe, a world where Kira’s entire life is a book. A book Lauren travelled into. And she has grim predictions for the ending.

 

Turns out, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. What’s more, her makers have other androids, androids in just as much trouble as Kira. Taking the time to save them might mean giving up her one shot at revenge—and according to Lauren, her one chance at life—but who is she if she lets them die?


A Darkness in Spring (query | synopsis)


#49 cmmg

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Posted 23 May 2018 - 05:10 PM

I like the way that's combined, though. I'll see what other elements people dis/like


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#50 Denisa

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Posted 24 May 2018 - 10:40 AM

Thank you so much for your feedback on my query. 

 

I liked version B.

 

Dear Agent,

 

Being a teen android—and the only android ever—isn’t fun, it sucks. Movie androids get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira Garcia gets is overheating, a human family that forgets she’s not human, and oh yeah, a sadistic creator who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience.

 

And it’s pretty clear she’s sentient.

 

So, when her creator finally orders her demolition, Kira’s only hope is to convince her family to help her escape. But when an attack meant for Kira leaves her brother stuck in the hospital, all hope for escape is dashed. She can’t abandon her brother. Instead, Kira has a new goal: find the man who hurt her brother and slit his throat. Is she only searching for revenge, or is she trying to prevent any other attempts on her family? I mean, yeah, by killing this guy, she's preventing other attacks, but the motivation is different. If she wants to kill him because she's afraid other members of her family might get hurt or killed, I think you should make that clear. Her motivation here helps us care about her, understand her better. 

 

But Kira soon realizes that someone is following her, someone who is about to change Kira’s very definition of reality. According to Kira’s stalker, Lauren, Kira is a character in a book. A book that Lauren travelled into. And she has grim predictions for the ending.

 

Turns out, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. What’s more, her makers have other androids; androids in just as much trouble as Kira. Taking the time to save them might mean giving up her one shot at revenge again, if it's only revenge she seeks, then all good. if she's fearing for her family, and that's her main motivation to kill, then you should make that clear.—and according to Lauren, her one chance at life—but who is she if she lets them die?

 

 

You have a really good query on your hands. I like it!



#51 Heliagrey

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Posted 24 May 2018 - 07:57 PM

Version A

Dear Agent,

Being a teen android—and the only android ever—isn’t fun, it sucks. Movie androids get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira Garcia gets is overheating, a human family that forgets she’s not human, but still insists she can’t feel, and oh yeah, a sadistic creator who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience.

 

And it’s pretty clear she’s sentient. (good)

 

All Kira wants is freedom—and to figure out why she was made. So, when her creators finally order her demolition, her only hope is to convince her family to escape with her. (why can't she escape on her own? Is it really her ONLY hope, or is it just what she wants?) But when an attack meant for Kira leaves her brother in the hospital, all hope for escape is dashed, she can't abandon her brother.

 

Instead, Kira has a new goal: find the man who slit her brother’s throat and make him pay.

 

Enter Lauren, a girl who makes Kira question her very reality. Apparently, Lauren is from  some kind of parallel universe, a world where Kira’s entire life is a book. A book Lauren travelled into in order to save Kira from gruesome, gruesome death. If Lauren’s right, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. What’s more, her makers have other androids; androids in just as much trouble as Kira. But Lauren doesn’t care about saving their lives. According to Lauren, saving them might mean giving up Kira’s one chance at revenge—and her one chance at life—but who is Kira if she lets them die?[K1]  (Wow, this is quite a twist. I think you portrayed it pretty well- as well as you can with a big sudden shift like that. You might want to say in your intro to the agent that there's a big twist, so they're not surprised- something along the lines of a genre bending surprise, etc.) 

 

DEATH AND ROBOT GIRL is etc etc

 [K1]but the alternative is to let innocents die for her.



#52 cmmg

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Posted 24 May 2018 - 08:11 PM

@Heliagrey Just because it wasn't fully clear, you like Version A better than Version B from post #41?


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#53 Heliagrey

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Posted 24 May 2018 - 08:17 PM

@Heliagrey Just because it wasn't fully clear, you like Version A better than Version B from post #41?

Lol, yeah, sorry- I originally did a whole post editing what I then realized was a previous version. But this one I believe was the Version A. Though frankly, the last one I inadvertently seized on wasn't too shabby, either! :) 

 

If you have a chance, please crit back:

 

http://agentquerycon...-the-guardians/



#54 cmmg

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Posted 24 May 2018 - 08:20 PM

Lol, yeah, sorry- I originally did a whole post editing what I then realized was a previous version. But this one I believe was the Version A. Though frankly, the last one I inadvertently seized on wasn't too shabby, either! :) 

 

If you have a chance, please crit back:

 

http://agentquerycon...-the-guardians/

Version B wasn't the "previous" one, it was an editted version of the previous one, so it was also a new draft, but keeping core elements of the last one. I'll edit the original to clear that up. Which did you prefer?

And sure, no problem


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#55 Heliagrey

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Posted 24 May 2018 - 08:32 PM

Version B wasn't the "previous" one, it was an editted version of the previous one, so it was also a new draft, but keeping core elements of the last one. I'll edit the original to clear that up. Which did you prefer?

And sure, no problem

Yes, I know B wasn't previous- I mean I quoted a version from waaaaay back. Then, after seeing you'd posted use #41, I went up, read both, picked A. Preferred A. ;) Still do.

 

I meant the waaaaay back version was pretty dang good, too. Just saying.



#56 cmmg

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Posted 24 May 2018 - 08:35 PM

Yes, I know B wasn't previous- I mean I quoted a version from waaaaay back. Then, after seeing you'd posted use #41, I went up, read both, picked A. Preferred A. ;) Still do.

 

I meant the waaaaay back version was pretty dang good, too. Just saying.

Thank you!! Hopefully this one is better than that!


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