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DEATH AND ROBOT GIRL (YA Sci-Fi Fantasy) UPDATE in #61

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#1 cmmg

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Posted 21 April 2018 - 05:41 PM

REVISION IN POST #61 [See that one!]

 

Dear Agent

 

Being the only android in existence sucks. At least for Kira Garcia. Movie robots get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira gets is overheating, a human family that forgets she’s a robot but still insists she can’t feel, and oh yeah, a sadistic watcher who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience.

 

All Kira wants is freedom—and to figure out why she was made, but it’s her final year of high school, and Kira has outlived her usefulness. Too old to be kept under constant watch, it’s time for Kira to be decommissioned. Her only hope is to convince her family to escape with her before her creators make their move. But when an attack meant for Kira leaves her brother in the hospital—all hope for escape is dashed.

 

Instead, Kira has a new goal: find the man who gave the order to kill her brother and slit his throat.

 

Enter Lauren: a girl who can travel into books, who travelled into Kira’s book. And Lauren has grim predictions for the ending. Turns out, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. What’s more, there are other androids. Androids in just as much trouble as Kira, only they don’t have a book-travelling bibliophile determined to save their lives. Saving them might mean giving up her one chance at revenge—and according to Lauren, her one chance to live—but who is she if she lets them die?

 

DEATH AND ROBOT GIRL is a 90,000-word YA sci-fi novel. THURSDAY NEXT meets MILA 2.0. I am currently a graduate student in molecular genetics, trying to figure out the way of the world and how to bend it to my whims.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Thanks,

NAME


_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

synopsis


#2 oldblood

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Posted 21 April 2018 - 07:54 PM

Dear Agent

 

Being the only android in existence sucks. At least for Kira Garcia. (Like the opening, but these first two lines seem to conflict, IMO. One reads as though she is the only android. The second reads as though she is not. i.e. Other andoids don't think being the only android in existence sucks. May need to revisit this, as it may give pause. Which you don't want to do on the opening lines.) Movie robots get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira gets is overheating, a human family that forgets she’s a robot but still insists she can’t feel, and oh yeah, a sadistic watcher who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience. (Overall though, I like this. Has a distinctive voice and I assume the book has touches of humor throughout based on what I've read thus far.)

 

All Kira wants is freedom—and to figure out why she was made, but it’s her final year of high school, and Kira has outlived her usefulness. Too old to be kept under constant watch, it’s time for Kira to be decommissioned. Her only hope is to convince her family to escape with her before her creators make their move. But when an attack meant for Kira leaves her brother in the hospital—all hope for escape is dashed. (Not sure I understand why her family needs to escape? I assume they're not androids?)

 

Instead, Kira has a new goal: find the man who gave the order to kill her brother and slit his throat.

 

Enter Lauren: a girl who can travel into books, who travelled into Kira’s book.  (Travelling into books? I feel like I'm getting more confused.) And Lauren has grim predictions for the ending. Turns out, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. What’s more, there are other androids. Androids in just as much trouble as Kira, only they don’t have a book-travelling bibliophile determined to save their lives. (Setting aside my confusion about 'book-travelling' and the plot, I do like your way with words throughout all this. It reads very confidently, but I'm just not following the plot well.) Saving them might mean giving up her one chance at revenge—and according to Lauren, her one chance to live—but who is she if she lets them die?

 

DEATH AND ROBOT GIRL is a 90,000-word YA sci-fi novel. THURSDAY NEXT meets MILA 2.0. I am currently a graduate student in molecular genetics, trying to figure out the way of the world and how to bend it to my whims. (Writing bio's is hard, or maybe even usless if they're not interesting. I think this one works well and the humor is a nice touch that continues the vibe I got in the rest of the query. I think its an excellent bio.)

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Thanks,

NAME

 

Disclaimer: I have no clue what I'm doing. That being said, I think the voice in this is distinctive and well written. I have a feeling the book is interesting and funny, but unfortunately, I did not get a real clear picture of the plot from this query letter. I felt fairly confused in full transparency. But that may just be me, so take that feedback with a grain of salt.



#3 Aightball

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Posted 21 April 2018 - 08:53 PM

Dear Agent

 

Being the only android in existence sucks. At least for Kira Garcia. Movie robots get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira gets is overheats ing, has a human family that forgets she’s a robot but still insists she can’t feel, and oh yeah, a sadistic watcher who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience.  Interesting opening...I feel like I want to know more at this point.  This is a good opening hook and I think you can tighten it up a little by removing excess words.

 

All Kira wants is freedom—and to figure out why she was made, but it’s her final year of high school, and Kira has outlived her usefulness. Too old to be kept under constant watch, it’s time for Kira to be decommissioned. Her only hope is to convince her family to escape with her before her creators make their move. But when an attack meant for Kira leaves her brother in the hospital—all hope for escape is dashed.  So she only gets a set number of years work?  I'm not clear what her usefulness is here.  From context, I glean that it's important, because you mention that she's going to be decommissioned...I feel like this paragraph should give us a little more about the constant watch and why she wants to escape.  That will make it clearer why this attack is a big deal.

 

Instead, Kira has a new goal: find the man who gave the order to kill her brother and slit his throat.

 

Enter Lauren: a girl who can travel into books, who travelled into Kira’s book. And Lauren has grim predictions for the ending. Turns out, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. What’s more, there are other androids. Androids in just as much trouble as Kira, only they don’t have a book-travelling bibliophile determined to save their lives. Saving them might mean giving up her one chance at revenge—and according to Lauren, her one chance to live—but who is she if she lets them die?  I like this!  It gives us the stakes and explains what happens if Lauren fails.  But, if Lauren is important, I wonder if you should bring her in earlier?  She's kind of an after thought here at the end, so I think if you give us Lauren earlier, it will make her less of a surprise at the end.

 

DEATH AND ROBOT GIRL is a 90,000-word YA sci-fi novel. THURSDAY NEXT meets MILA 2.0. I am currently a graduate student in molecular genetics, trying to figure out the way of the world and how to bend it to my whims.  Does your degree make you uniquely qualified to write this book?  If so, I'd keep it in, otherwise, take it out.  Although for my own curiosity: what is molecular genetics?

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Thanks,

NAME

 

I think you have an interesting book. I think with some tightening and editing, you're going to be set =)


Most girls are made of
sugar and spice and everything nice; they
screwed up the recipe for me: I'm made of
bat wings and broken things.

Query: http://agentquerycon...3-love-and-war/

Blog: http://aightball.wordpress.com

Synopsis:

Twitter Hook(s):

Short Story "Anguish", in Winter's Regret: http://www.amazon.co...winter's regret

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#4 Bkrasnik

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Posted 22 April 2018 - 07:49 PM

Dear Agent

 

Being the only android in existence sucks. At least for Kira Garcia. (I agree with previous poster that this conflicts) Movie robots get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira gets is overheating, a human family that forgets she’s a robot but still insists she can’t feel, and oh yeah, a sadistic watcher who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience. (Otherwise, great hook!! There is a bit of comedy, character development, and plot.)

 

All Kira wants is freedom—and to figure out why she was made, but it’s her final year of high school, and Kira (she instead of Kira) has outlived her usefulness. Too old to be kept under constant watch, it’s time for Kira to be decommissioned. Her only hope is to convince her family to escape with her before her creators make their move. But when an attack meant for Kira leaves her brother in the hospital—all hope for escape is dashed. (This is really interesting, but you don't address the sadistic watcher, or is that supposed to be the creator? If so, make it clear.)

 

Instead, Kira has a new goal: find the man who gave the order to kill her brother and slit his throat.

 

Enter Lauren: a girl who can travel into books, who travelled into Kira’s book. And Lauren has grim predictions for the ending. Turns out, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. What’s more, there are other androids. Androids in just as much trouble as Kira, only they don’t have a book-travelling bibliophile determined to save their lives. Saving them might mean giving up her one chance at revenge—and according to Lauren, her one chance to live—but who is she if she lets them die? (The way you structured this is very unique. I like it, but it's possible it might put others off. You will have to see what others think to get a consensus on this.)

 

DEATH AND ROBOT GIRL is a 90,000-word YA sci-fi novel. THURSDAY NEXT meets MILA 2.0. I am currently a graduate student in molecular genetics, trying to figure out the way of the world and how to bend it to my whims.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Thanks,

NAME

 

You have a really interesting story and you have a great writing style. I do have a few concerns though--you hyped up this watcher really nice in that first paragraph and then you don't address him anymore. Or if he is the creator, you need to make the link between them clear. Also, you need to explain why she will be killed by this watcher if she displays feelings.

 

I think you need to give some more background information. Why is she adopted into a human family? Why is her usefulness over after high school and why do her creators need to destroy her as a result of that? 

 

Otherwise great job, I think you are really close to getting it perfect! (And thank you for your feedback on my query!)


Have a moment to offer up some very much appreciated feedback? :)

My Young Adult Dystopian Query: http://agentquerycon...ate-on-post-15/


#5 TeaTime

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Posted 22 April 2018 - 08:51 PM

Dear Agent (Comma)

 

Being the only android in existence sucks. At least for Kira Garcia. Movie robots get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira gets is overheating, a human family that forgets she’s a robot but still insists she can’t feel, and oh yeah, a sadistic watcher who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience. (She sounds pretty sentient already, even more so as the query progresses. Maybe working in how exactly the watcher is monitoring her would be good & add some tension. If the watcher is hooked up to her android CPU remotely or something, I don't see how she could hide anything.)

 

All Kira wants is freedom—and to figure out why she was made, but it’s her final year of high school, (As a reader I'm really confused why an android would be going to high school, being in a family, etc., instead of being in some lab. I assume it's for researching how she handles real world stuff, but I think some info about this is necessary, even if it's only that Kira doesn't know why she was put in school/family.) and Kira has outlived her usefulness. Too old to be kept under constant watch, it’s time for Kira to be decommissioned. Her only hope is to convince her family to escape with her before her (Wouldn't it be safer/easier if she just escaped by herself? Is she especially close to her family?) creators make their move. But when an attack meant for Kira leaves her brother in the hospital—all hope for escape is dashed.

 

Instead, Kira has a new goal: find the man who gave the order to kill her brother (Was the order to kill her brother? It sounded like an accident  that he was hurt in the last paragraph.) and slit his throat.

 

Enter Lauren: a girl who can travel into books, who travelled into Kira’s book. And Lauren has grim predictions for the ending. Turns out, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. What’s more, there are other androids (In this book or others?). Androids in just as much trouble as Kira, only they don’t have a book-travelling bibliophile determined to save their lives. Saving them might mean giving up her one chance at revenge—and according to Lauren, her one chance to live (Live because she's gotten revenge, or live because she's then free from their threats?)—but who is she if she lets them die?

 

DEATH AND ROBOT GIRL is a 90,000-word YA sci-fi novel. THURSDAY NEXT meets MILA 2.0. I am currently a graduate student in molecular genetics, trying to figure out the way of the world and how to bend it to my whims. (This bio is interesting, but doesn't seem to apply to the story.)

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Thanks, (Already said thanks)

NAME

 

On the whole, this query has really good voice & flow. Most of my comments aren't about the writing so much as just general questions about the story.

 

There's a lot going on, and I'm not sure why Kira's unusual life is set up the way it is. Working that in, even if the reason is a mystery to Kira, will help the query read better I think.

 

Good work, this is a really interesting story so far  :smile: 


Feel Free to Check Out My Current Query Letter Here, Thank You


#6 RosieSkye

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Posted 22 April 2018 - 09:16 PM

Dear Agent

 

Being the only android in existence sucks. At least for Kira Garcia. Movie robots get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira gets is overheating, a human family that forgets she’s a robot but still insists she can’t feel, and oh yeah, a sadistic watcher who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience. (Heh, I like this opening.)

 

All Kira wants is freedom—and to figure out why she was made, but it’s her final year of high school, and Kira has outlived her usefulness. (What is/was she used for? Why is she in high school? It doesn't seem like an existence as a high school student would be much use to anyone.) Too old to be kept under constant watch, it’s time for Kira to be decommissioned. Her only hope is to convince her family to escape with her before her creators make their move. But when an attack meant for Kira leaves her brother in the hospital—all hope for escape is dashed.

 

Instead, Kira has a new goal: find the man who gave the order to kill her brother (I thought the order was to attack her, and it just went awry) and slit his throat.

 

Enter Lauren: a girl who can travel into books, who travelled into Kira’s book. (Wait, huh?  You've lost me. Do you mean a book Kira read, or are you breaking the fourth wall of your own book here?) And Lauren has grim predictions for the ending. Turns out, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. What’s more, there are other androids. Androids in just as much trouble as Kira, only they don’t have a book-travelling bibliophile determined to save their lives. Saving them might mean giving up her one chance at revenge—and according to Lauren, her one chance to live—but who is she if she lets them die?

 

DEATH AND ROBOT GIRL is a 90,000-word YA sci-fi novel. THURSDAY NEXT meets MILA 2.0. I am currently a graduate student in molecular genetics, trying to figure out the way of the world and how to bend it to my whims.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Thanks,

NAME

 

 

Hope this helps!



#7 cmmg

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Posted 03 May 2018 - 08:50 AM

One question I had was about my bio. I know for a lot of queries if you don't have publishing questions, they don't want you to include anything, but some specifically require a bio no matter. Is it good for what it is? I've seen other people talk about their spouses or children (I have neither) or their BA (mine is in, molecular genetics) and I feel like being a graduate student is sort of interesting?

 

I other question I had was about the issue of Lauren travelling into books. I want to be clear if the problem is an content/idea thing or a wording thing. Is it the idea that a character can travel/teleport into a work of fiction (like Inkheart sort of) itself what's confusing? Like, in this scenario, in Lauren's world Kira's entire life/world is a book and Lauren is going into a story that from Lauren's POV is fiction. There's been a few books using this concept before but they usually have the book traveller as the main POV character. Is the issue that the idea itself is weird or it that I'm using unclear wording. Like, am I just using the word "travel" too vaguely?


_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

synopsis


#8 smithgirl

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Posted 03 May 2018 - 12:33 PM


Dear Agent

 

Being the only android in existence sucks comma at least for Kira Garcia. Movie robots get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira gets is overheating, a human family that forgets she’s a robot but still insists she can’t feel, and oh yeah, a sadistic watcher who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience. I think this is a good hook. But I'm a bit confused: Is Kira a robot or an android? Aren't they slightly different?

 

All Kira wants is freedom comma and to figure out why she was made, but it’s her final year of high school, and Kira has outlived her usefulness. Too old to be kept under constant watch, it’s time for Kira to be decommissioned. Her only hope is to convince her family to escape with her before her creators make their move. But when an attack meant for Kira leaves her brother in the hospital comma all hope for escape is dashed. I'm a bit unclear why Kira would go to high school. Why does a robot need school? 

 

Instead, Kira has a new goal: find the man who gave the order to kill her brother and slit his throat.

 

Enter Lauren: a girl who can travel into books, who travelled into Kira’s book. Kira is a character in a book? This took me by surprise. And Lauren has grim predictions for the ending. Turns out, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. What’s more, there are other androids. Androids in just as much trouble as Kira, only they don’t have a book-travelling bibliophile determined to save their lives. Saving them might mean giving up her one chance at revenge comma and according to Lauren, her one chance to live comma but who is she if she lets them die?

 

DEATH AND ROBOT GIRL is a 90,000-word YA sci-fi novel. THURSDAY NEXT meets MILA 2.0. I am currently a graduate student in molecular genetics, trying to figure out the way of the world and how to bend it to my whims.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Thanks,

NAME

 

 

I think your query is good. I have a few points, but they are pretty minor. I'm not certain how much your molecular genetics studies are relevant; agents are picky about extra stuf in bios.

 

You do need to cut back on the em-dashes; I would make almost all of them into commas. An em-dash is very dramatic and easily overused.

 

Aside from that, good job!



#9 smithgirl

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Posted 03 May 2018 - 12:37 PM

OK just saw this.

 

 

 

One question I had was about my bio. I know for a lot of queries if you don't have publishing questions, they don't want you to include anything, but some specifically require a bio no matter. Is it good for what it is? I've seen other people talk about their spouses or children (I have neither) or their BA (mine is in, molecular genetics) and I feel like being a graduate student is sort of interesting? If you have no publishing credits or relevant degrees (i.e. MFA) then generally you put nothing for your bio. However, it's true that some agents require a bio. In that case, I would include the graduate studies.

 

I other question I had was about the issue of Lauren travelling into books. I want to be clear if the problem is an content/idea thing or a wording thing. Is it the idea that a character can travel/teleport into a work of fiction (like Inkheart sort of) itself what's confusing? Like, in this scenario, in Lauren's world Kira's entire life/world is a book and Lauren is going into a story that from Lauren's POV is fiction. There's been a few books using this concept before but they usually have the book traveller as the main POV character. Is the issue that the idea itself is weird or it that I'm using unclear wording. Like, am I just using the word "travel" too vaguely? This part came as a surprise to me, and it took me a minute to realize that Kira is a character in a book. I think this is a difficult concept to introduce, but I think the way you did it is fairly clear. But it did stop me for a moment.



#10 punitrastogi

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Posted 03 May 2018 - 12:55 PM

Dear Agent

 

Being the only (Is she the "Only" one or the "last" one) android in existence sucks. At least for Kira Garcia. Movie robots get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira gets is overheating, a human family that forgets she’s a robot but still insists she can’t feel, and oh yeah, a sadistic watcher who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience. (Excellent)

 

All Kira wants is freedom—and to figure out why she was made. b But it’s her final year of high school, and Kira has outlived her usefulness. Too old to be kept under constant watch, it’s time for Kira to be decommissioned. Her only hope is to convince her family to escape with her before her creators (so who is responsible for his decommissioning - watchers or creators? because in the hook you mention that the watcher will kill her, but here you mention that creators might end her. Are the watchers waiting for the creators' orders?) make their move. But when an attack meant for Kira leaves her brother in the hospital—all hope for escape is dashed.

 

Instead, Kira has a new goal: find the man who gave the order to kill her brother (Is her brother an android too? if not, why would someone order for the death of a human? unless it was an accident, in which case Kira should not have revenge on her mind but escaping the threat) and slit his throat.

 

Enter Lauren: a girl who can travel into books (for reading or manipulation of the story?), who travelled into Kira’s book (Are you saying that Lauren travelled into "Death And Robot Girl"? That is so cool). And Lauren has grim predictions for the ending. Turns out, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. What’s more, there are other androids. Androids in just as much trouble as Kira, only they don’t have a book-travelling bibliophile determined to save their lives (Unless you are Lauren, why does she want to save Kira?). Saving them might mean giving up her one chance at revenge—and according to Lauren, her one only chance to live—but who is she (which she are we talking about? Lauren or Kira?)if she (which she are we talking about? Lauren or Kira?) lets them die?

 

DEATH AND ROBOT GIRL is a 90,000-word YA sci-fi novel. THURSDAY NEXT meets MILA 2.0. I am currently a graduate student in molecular genetics, trying to figure out the way of the world and how to bend it to my whims.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Thanks,

NAME

 

Awesome premise if Lauren is in the book that the reader has on their hands.

 

You just need to draft it more carefully.

 

Hope it helps :)



#11 MICRONESIA

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Posted 06 May 2018 - 05:43 PM

Dear Agent

 

Being the only android in existence sucks. At least for Kira Garcia. Some might be annoyed by this early fragment, but I think it works. Movie robots get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira gets is overheating, a human family that forgets she’s a robot but still insists she can’t feel, There's a whole lot of info crammed in here. It doesn't feel natural. and oh yeah, a sadistic watcher Don't assume we know what a "watcher" is. who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience. 

 

All Kira wants is freedom Your last sentence starts with "All Kira gets..."—and to figure out why she was made, but it’s her final year of high school, and Kira has outlived her usefulness. Too old to be kept under constant watch, it’s time for Kira to be decommissioned. She's the only android in existence, right? Are there certain rules for this society? Why is she the only android? Wouldn't she be a world-famous attraction? They build an android, only to... send it to high school? She just seems sort of purposeless. Her only hope is to convince her family to escape with her before her creators make their move. But when an attack meant for Kira leaves her brother in the hospital— Comma, not em-dash. all hope for escape is dashed.

 

Instead, Kira has a new goal: find the man who gave the order to kill her brother and slit his throat. WHOA! This is a HUGE leap! I'm thinking "sweet little Jetsons android girl" and suddenly we're in the realm of slitting throats. It's a MASSIVE tonal shift!

 

Enter Lauren: a girl who can travel into books, who travelled into Kira’s book. Now we've gone from sci-fi to fantasy. I have major questions concerning the overall rules of this world in general. Is this some kind of metafictional thing? If so, then oh boy, this is gonna be tough to query! I'm not saying it's impossible, by any means, but it's gonna take some work. Right now, the query has lost me. And Lauren has grim predictions for the ending. Turns out, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. What’s more, there are other androids. Androids in just as much trouble as Kira, only they don’t have a book-travelling bibliophile Still not sure what this means. determined to save their lives. Fragment does not work here. Saving them might mean giving up her one chance at revenge—and according to Lauren, her one chance to live—but who is she if she lets them die? How does saving them forfeit her one chance for revenge? These are false stakes, since we have no grasp of the specifics that got us here.

 

DEATH AND ROBOT GIRL is a 90,000-word YA sci-fi novel. THURSDAY NEXT meets MILA 2.0. I am currently a graduate student in molecular genetics, trying to figure out the way of the world This is funny, but could be funnier. "The way of the world" needs to be something less cliche and something more specific to sciency things. and how to bend it to my whims. 

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Thanks,

NAME

 

First of all, I LOVE the title. The title alone makes me want to read this. Great job.

 

You've excelled at creating a likable character. The abrupt shifts in tone and genre threw me. Then you start introducing more and more elements, things get confusing and the query collapses. Not to mention the stakes are unclear. I still don't know what a watcher is, or why the android MC even exists. And yeah, that "book-diving girl" really threw me for a loop. Does she even need to be in the query at all? In the book, this lead-up probably makes perfect sense, but here it's jarring. 

 

I'm also not sure what world we're in. The far-distant future? The near future? The fantasy book-diving world of The Pagemaster?

 

Thanks again for the help on my own query/synopsis. I look forward to reading your revisions!



#12 cmmg

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Posted 10 May 2018 - 04:27 PM

Here's a revised version!  SEE POST #16 for LATEST REVISION

 

One of my main concern is that in regards to Kira being in high school, there is no reason she's ever given that makes sense until the very end and it's a huge spoiler. The reasons she's given before are illogical and she knows that and I don't want to put them and confuse the agent into thinking I think them make sense. But I feel like the inclusion of "she doesn't know this, or this, or this" gets kind of clunky. If not knowing why she's in high school is really NECESSARY or if it's not something you'd want to know, but not something you'd put a book down over, I'd like to know.

 

1) So, is adding more information just MORE confusing?

 

The other issue is with the concept of Lauren's powers. It's not meta fictional in that my name isn't Lauren. There are a lot of books that explore the concept of traveling into books, recently, like The Hazel Wood, Inkheart, (even Dorothy Must Die etc) and that's addition to like Thrusday Next, and that one Stephen King novel so I don't think that'll be a hard sell, but most of those books are usually written from the person who can travel into them. Not from the POV of a character. So what's happening is more like "stories come to life" and not "character interacts with author."

 

2) SO I want to make sure my wording is clear with Lauren. If someone who has never read fantasy is confused by "how  can a person enter a fictional world" that's not my issue, if someone isn't sure what I mean when I say "Lauren can travel into books" then I want to make it clear what I do mean. So I tried to make that more explicit in this revision (even though is added words)

 

I have to include Lauren and her thing (9/10 beta readers who didn't know this before hand were VERY thrown, and several told me (At first before they grew acclimatized to the idea) that I didn't even need to have this section in the book, even though it's integral to the whole rest of the plot (it'd be like saying "you don't need robots in this"), but afterward, people were much less confused). And Kira herself is blind sighted by this information (she originally something different is happening, but I don't think there's space to get into that). I wanted to make it clear this was a shock to her.

 

SO! With that in mind, any feedback would be helpful? Is it clearer what's going on? What questions do you think it's okay to have. 

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

Being the only android in existence sucks. At least for Kira Garcia. Movie androids get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira gets is overheating, a human family that forgets she’s a robot but still insists she can’t feel, and oh yeah, a sadistic creator who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience.

 

All Kira wants is freedom—and to figure out why she was made, forced to masquerade as a human and sent to school of all things. But it’s her final year of high school, and Kira is now too old to be kept under constant watch. It’s time for her to be decommissioned. Her only hope is to convince her family to help her escape before her creators make their move. But when an attack meant for Kira leaves her brother in the hospital, all hope for escape is dashed.

 

Instead, Kira has a new goal: find the man who gave the order to kill her brother and slit his throat.

 

Enter Lauren, a girl with a shocking secret: in Lauren’s world, Kira is a character in a book. And not a book that ends well. Turns out, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. What’s more, there are other androids; androids in just as much trouble as Kira. Only, they don’t have a book-travelling irritant determined to save their lives. Saving them might mean giving up Kira’s one chance at revenge—and, according to Lauren, her one chance at life—but who is she if she lets them die?

 

DEATH AND ROBOT GIRL is a 90,000-word YA speculative novel. ETC. ETC.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Thanks,

NAME


_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

synopsis


#13 yawriter

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Posted 14 May 2018 - 07:54 PM

Here for fresh eyes and to return the favor on my query :) Thanks for the help on Pieces of Alice! Would love to hear what you think of the new version. Happy to help on your next version as well.

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

Being the only android in existence sucks. This immediately makes me want to know the setting.. only android on earth? on planet xenon? where??At least for Kira Garcia. Movie androids get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira gets is overheating, a human family that forgets she’s a robot but still insists she can’t feel, and oh yeah, a sadistic creator who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience. ​Super long sentence that confused me here...

​Perhaps something along the lines of All Kira gets is overheating and a human family that forget's she's a robot. Kira insists she can't feel just to fool the sadistic creator...I'm sure you could write it better than I just did, but you need to somehow break that up. 

 

All Kira wants is freedom—and to figure out why she was made, forced to masquerade as a human and sent to school of all things. ​You startedthis by saying all she wants is freedom and then immediately lists a bunch of other things she wants... The line doesn't read well. Why does she need to masquerade as a human? Since the beginning I thought she looked more like Wall-E But it’s her final year of high school, and Kira is now too old to be kept under constant watch. when you say too old it seems like she's actually growing in age..so maybe explain that her programing is too old or her processor.... It’s time for her to be decommissioned. Her only hope is to convince her family to help her escape before her creators make their move. that'll be hard if Kira fooled the family into thinking she can't feel... But when an attack meant for Kira leaves her brother in the hospital, all hope for escape is dashed. 

 

Instead, Kira has a new goal: find the man who gave the order to kill her brother and slit his throat.  By the way this FEELS like a good ending to the query...I'm not sure if the next paragraph is part of the query or not...

 

Enter Lauren. A girl with a shocking secret: in Lauren’s world, Kira is a character in a book. And not a book that ends well. Turns out, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. What’s more, there are other androids; androids in just as much trouble as Kira. Only, they don’t have a book-travelling irritant determined to save their lives. Saving them might mean giving up Kira’s one chance at revenge—and, according to Lauren, her one chance at life—but who is she if she lets them die?

 

This is confusing :(  Is this more of lauren reading the book about what will happen to Kira (Like a prophecy thing?) or lauren writing a book about a main character named Kira?

 

 

 

Remember these are ALL just my opinions! 

 

DEATH AND ROBOT GIRL is a 90,000-word YA speculative novel. ETC. ETC.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Thanks,

NAME



#14 punitrastogi

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Posted 15 May 2018 - 02:40 AM

Hope I can be of some more help :)

Here's a revised version!

 

One of my main concern is that in regards to Kira being in high school, there is no reason she's ever given that makes sense until the very end and it's a huge spoiler. The reasons she's given before are illogical and she knows that and I don't want to put them and confuse the agent into thinking I think them make sense. But I feel like the inclusion of "she doesn't know this, or this, or this" gets kind of clunky. If not knowing why she's in high school is really NECESSARY or if it's not something you'd want to know, but not something you'd put a book down over, I'd like to know. I dont think "high school" per se is important, but her being too old is. I think queries must be about events and not spoilers. The events in my own query are about revelations, so it might be weird coming from me.

 

1) So, is adding more information just MORE confusing? - Yes, unless it justifies actions based on emotions. So you can say that X did this because he felt AAA, but not more than that.

 

The other issue is with the concept of Lauren's powers. It's not meta fictional in that my name isn't Lauren. There are a lot of books that explore the concept of traveling into books, recently, like The Hazel Wood, Inkheart, (even Dorothy Must Die etc) and that's addition to like Thrusday Next, and that one Stephen King novel so I don't think that'll be a hard sell, but most of those books are usually written from the person who can travel into them. Not from the POV of a character. So what's happening is more like "stories come to life" and not "character interacts with author." I really liked the idea, since I had never heard of the books who have done this before (except for a piece in a Batman video game). And I guess this version of your query explains it just enough and seamlessly integrates Lauren in the narrative. So, good job there.

 

2) SO I want to make sure my wording is clear with Lauren. If someone who has never read fantasy is confused by "how  can a person enter a fictional world" that's not my issue, if someone isn't sure what I mean when I say "Lauren can travel into books" then I want to make it clear what I do mean. So I tried to make that more explicit in this revision (even though is added words)

 

I have to include Lauren and her thing (9/10 beta readers who didn't know this before hand were VERY thrown, and several told me (At first before they grew acclimatized to the idea) that I didn't even need to have this section in the book, even though it's integral to the whole rest of the plot (it'd be like saying "you don't need robots in this"), but afterward, people were much less confused). And Kira herself is blind sighted by this information (she originally something different is happening, but I don't think there's space to get into that). I wanted to make it clear this was a shock to her.

 

SO! With that in mind, any feedback would be helpful? Is it clearer what's going on? What questions do you think it's okay to have. 

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

Being the only android in existence sucks. At least for Kira Garcia. Movie androids get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira gets is overheating, a human family that shuffles between treating her as an android and human that forgets she’s a robot but still insists she can’t feel, and oh yeah (My issue is that the rest of your query sounds like a nice pacy thriller. But words like "cool" and "oh yeah" dilute the intensity of the rest of the content. If you are indeed targeting an audience like that, I think you would need to word the rest of your query differently too.) , a sadistic creator who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience.

 

All Kira wonders wants is freedom (I think you can keep the freedom part for later, as she is attached to her human brother, so her intent to flee is not convincing) —and to figure out why she was made, forced to masquerade as a human and sent to school of all things. But she it’s her final year of high school, and Kira is now too old to be kept under constant watch. It’s time for her to be decommissioned. Her only hope is to convince if her family lets to help her escape before her creators (Earlier you said creator, now its creatorS. Mention one according to your plot) make their move. But when an attack meant for Kira leaves her brother in the hospital, all hope for escape is dashed.

 

But when an attack meant for her leaves her brother in the hospital, Kira finds a new goal: find (I know there are two "find"s in this, but I could not "find" a better word :P ) the man who gave the ordered to kill her brother(comma) and slit his throat.

 

Enter Lauren, a girl with a shocking secret: in Lauren’s world, Kira is a character in a book. And not a book that ends well. (Frikkin' fantastic) Turns out, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. What’s more, (Doesn't add any value IMO) there are other androids; androids in just as much trouble as Kira. Only, they don’t have a book-travelling irritant determined to save their lives. Saving them might mean giving up Kira’s one chance at revenge—and, according to Lauren, her one chance at lifebut who is she if she lets them die? (I still dont get what you are trying to say with this question)

 

DEATH AND ROBOT GIRL is a 90,000-word YA speculative novel. ETC. ETC.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Thanks,

NAME

 

Excellent progress

 

Hope my points help :)



#15 MICRONESIA

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Posted 15 May 2018 - 10:57 AM

Here's a revised version!

 

One of my main concern is that in regards to Kira being in high school, there is no reason she's ever given that makes sense until the very end and it's a huge spoiler. The reasons she's given before are illogical and she knows that and I don't want to put them and confuse the agent into thinking I think them make sense. But I feel like the inclusion of "she doesn't know this, or this, or this" gets kind of clunky. If not knowing why she's in high school is really NECESSARY or if it's not something you'd want to know, but not something you'd put a book down over, I'd like to know. It's not a make-or-break thing, but several people here have already expressed puzzlement over it. That should be all you need to know that something needs to be tweaked.

 

1) So, is adding more information just MORE confusing?

 

The other issue is with the concept of Lauren's powers. It's not meta fictional in that my name isn't Lauren. There are a lot of books that explore the concept of traveling into books, recently, like The Hazel Wood, Inkheart, (even Dorothy Must Die etc) and that's addition to like Thrusday Next, and that one Stephen King novel so I don't think that'll be a hard sell, but most of those books are usually written from the person who can travel into them. Not from the POV of a character. So what's happening is more like "stories come to life" and not "character interacts with author." I almost think you should consider letting us know this upfront. There's a BIG leap that occurs in your query when that character/premise is introduced. Do you really want readers to pull a double-take like this? The part I underlined is fascinating, conceptually, and, hell... makes me want to read the book more than your query does. Is this one of the rare times in which it's okay to "tell" the agent the premise before leaping into the query? Maybe something to consider, maybe not.

 

2) SO I want to make sure my wording is clear with Lauren. If someone who has never read fantasy is confused by "how  can a person enter a fictional world" that's not my issue, if someone isn't sure what I mean when I say "Lauren can travel into books" then I want to make it clear what I do mean. So I tried to make that more explicit in this revision (even though is added words) I don't think that aspect is confusing at all. It's more about the huge switch I highlighted above.

 

I have to include Lauren and her thing (9/10 beta readers who didn't know this before hand were VERY thrown, and several told me (At first before they grew acclimatized to the idea) that I didn't even need to have this section in the book, even though it's integral to the whole rest of the plot (it'd be like saying "you don't need robots in this"), but afterward, people were much less confused). And Kira herself is blind sighted by this information (she originally something different is happening, but I don't think there's space to get into that). I wanted to make it clear this was a shock to her. The more I think about this, the more I think you should tell everything, upfront, in the query.

 

SO! With that in mind, any feedback would be helpful? Is it clearer what's going on? What questions do you think it's okay to have. 

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

Being the only android in existence sucks. At least for Kira Garcia. Movie androids get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira gets is overheating, a human family that forgets she’s a robot but still insists she can’t feel, and oh yeah, a sadistic creator who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience.

 

All Kira wants is freedom—and to figure out why she was made, forced to masquerade as a human and sent to school of all things. I think you've actually pulled it off here. Nice. But it’s her final year of high school, and Kira is now too old to be kept under constant watch. It’s time for her to be decommissioned. Her only hope is to convince her family to help her escape before her creators make their move. But when an attack meant for Kira leaves her brother in the hospital, all hope for escape is dashed.

 

Instead, Kira has a new goal: find the man who gave the order to kill her brother and slit his throat. Still tonally inconsistent. I don't think you've made any changes I suggested earlier, but I would really, really reconsider the "slit his throat" line.

 

Enter Lauren, a girl with a shocking secret: in Lauren’s world, Kira is a character in a book. And not a book that ends well. Turns out, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. What’s more, there are other androids; androids in just as much trouble as Kira. Only, they don’t have a book-travelling irritant determined to save their lives. Saving them might mean giving up Kira’s one chance at revenge—and, according to Lauren, her one chance at life—but who is she if she lets them die? Still vague, still confusing.

 

DEATH AND ROBOT GIRL is a 90,000-word YA speculative novel. ETC. ETC.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Thanks,

NAME

 

Your best quality here is the voice. Nailed it.



#16 cmmg

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Posted 15 May 2018 - 06:37 PM

Okay, what I'm hearing is that the main problem with Lauren isn't fixed and the adding new information about high school is too much info. Also Micronesia I heard your thing about the tone, but I wanted to nail the Lauren thing before I considered whether I want to change the wording of that, or pick a new sentiment.

 

So. DRAFT # 3

 

Dear X,

 

Sci-Fi lied. Being a teen android—and the only android in existence—isn’t fun, it sucks. Book androids get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira Garcia gets is overheating, a human family that forgets she’s not human, and oh yeah, a sadistic creator who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience.

 

And Kira? It’s pretty clear she’s sentient.

 

So, when her creator finally orders her demolition, Kira’s only hope is to convince her family to help her escape before her creator strikes. But when an attack meant for Kira leaves her brother in the hospital, all hope for escape is dashed. Instead, Kira has a new goal: find the man who gave the order to kill her brother and slit his throat.

 

But Kira soon realizes that someone is following her, and that’s when things get crazy. Apparently, Kira has more in common with book androids than she thought, namely she is one. At least according to Kira’s latest stalker, Lauren.

 

In Lauren’s world, Kira is a character in a book. And not a book that ends well. Turns out, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. What’s more, there are other androids; androids in just as much trouble as Kira. Saving them might mean giving up Kira’s one chance at revenge—and, according to Lauren, her one chance at life—but who is she if she lets them die?

 

DEATH AND ROBOT GIRL is a 90,000-word etc. etc.


_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

synopsis


#17 MICRONESIA

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Posted 15 May 2018 - 08:52 PM

Okay, what I'm hearing is that the main problem with Lauren isn't fixed and the adding new information about high school is too much info. Also Micronesia I heard your thing about the tone, but I wanted to nail the Lauren thing before I considered whether I want to change the wording of that, or pick a new sentiment.

 

So. DRAFT # 3

 

Dear X,

 

Sci-Fi lied. Being a teen android—and the only android in existence—isn’t fun, it sucks. Book androids get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira Garcia gets is overheating, a human family that forgets she’s not human, and oh yeah, a sadistic creator who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience.

 

And Kira? It’s pretty clear she’s sentient. Hmm. I like how this foreshadows what comes later.

 

So, when her creator finally orders her demolition, Kira’s only hope is to convince her family to help her escape before her creator strikes. But when an attack meant for Kira leaves her brother in the hospital, all hope for escape is dashed. Instead, Kira has a new goal: find the man who gave the order to kill her brother and slit his throat.

 

But Kira soon realizes that someone is following her, and that’s when things get crazy. Apparently, Kira has more in common with book androids than she thought, namely she is one. Kind of unclear. "Book androids" isn't a concept people will grasp immediately. I might find a better way to say this. At least according to Kira’s latest stalker, Lauren.

 

In Lauren’s world, Kira is a character in a book. And not a book that ends well. Turns out, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. What’s more, there are other androids; androids in just as much trouble as Kira. Saving them might mean giving up Kira’s one chance at revenge—and, according to Lauren, her one chance at life—but who is she if she lets them die? Well, I guess we'll wait and see what others say. If others are cool with "saving other 'book androids'... for some reason... because we suddenly care about them now? (on top of certain I'm-also-thinking-the-villian-Kira-is-saving-them-from-is-the-same-one-who-hurt-her-brother confusions)," then I'd like to simply add that it's usually frowned upon to end your stakes paragraph with a rhetorical question.

 

DEATH AND ROBOT GIRL is a 90,000-word etc. etc.

 

Also: you're REALLY overdoing the italics here.



#18 Danelle Chase

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Posted 15 May 2018 - 09:19 PM

Okay, what I'm hearing is that the main problem with Lauren isn't fixed and the adding new information about high school is too much info. Also Micronesia I heard your thing about the tone, but I wanted to nail the Lauren thing before I considered whether I want to change the wording of that, or pick a new sentiment.

 

So. DRAFT # 3

 

Dear X,

 

Sci-Fi lied. Being a teen android—and the only android in existence—isn’t fun, it sucks. Book androids get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira Garcia gets is overheating, a human family that forgets she’s not human, and oh yeah, a sadistic creator who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience.

 

And Kira? It’s pretty clear she’s sentient. I think this is a great beginning! You've got my attention.

 

So, when her creator finally orders her demolition, Kira’s only hope is to convince her family to help her escape before her creator strikes. But when an attack meant for Kira leaves her brother in the hospital, all hope for escape is dashed. Instead, Kira has a new goal: find the man who gave the order to kill her brother and slit his throat.

 

But Kira soon realizes that someone is following her, and that’s when things get crazy. I'm not too sure if your book is a split perspective, but if it is, this would be a great breaking point in which you snap to Lauren's perspective. This would also make it easier for the reader to jump to this new idea that Kira is a book character. Also, I'm left wondering about Lauren's motivation here. Why is she jumping into Kira's book? Why does she want to change it? Is she trustworthy or a friend? Apparently, Kira has more in common with book androids than she thought, namely she is one. At least according to Kira’s latest stalker, Lauren.

 

In Lauren’s world, Kira is a character in a book. And not a book that ends well. Turns out, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. What’s more, there are other androids; androids in just as much trouble as Kira. Saving them might mean giving up Kira’s one chance at revenge—and, according to Lauren, her one chance at life—but who is she if she lets them die?

 

DEATH AND ROBOT GIRL is a 90,000-word etc. etc.

 

I kept an eye on this query for a bit now, trying to think about how I can offer some insight. Still pretty new at queries myself. This is far superior version from your first draft, by the way--but it's not quite there yet. The part that still trips up a reader is this new concept similar to Inkheart, that a real person can enter a book. It's a great idea, but the delivery isn't quite there yet. I'm hoping by either "introducing Lauren" as another protagonist in your query, with hopes and motivations, might smooth the transition. 

 

I hope my small bit of advice helps!


Query - The Windwalker YA Fantasy


#19 Bkrasnik

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Posted 15 May 2018 - 10:48 PM

Okay, what I'm hearing is that the main problem with Lauren isn't fixed and the adding new information about high school is too much info. Also Micronesia I heard your thing about the tone, but I wanted to nail the Lauren thing before I considered whether I want to change the wording of that, or pick a new sentiment.

 

So. DRAFT # 3

 

Dear X,

 

Sci-Fi lied. Being a teen android—and the only android in existence—isn’t fun, it sucks. Book androids get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira Garcia gets is overheating, a human family that forgets she’s not human, and oh yeah, a sadistic creator who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience. (Great hook!) 

 

And Kira? (Given the content of the hook, I don't see how it makes sense to pose this into a question.) It’s pretty clear she’s sentient.

 

So, when her creator finally orders her demolition, Kira’s only hope is to convince her family to help her escape before her creator strikes. But when an attack meant for Kira leaves her brother in the hospital, all hope for escape is dashed. Instead, Kira has a new goal: find the man who gave the order to kill her brother and slit his throat. (This is good, although I personally enjoyed the extra detail you had in the original version.)

 

But Kira soon realizes that someone is following her, and that’s (unnecessary italics) when things get crazy (I don't like the way this last phrase is written). Apparently, Kira has more in common with book androids than she thought, namely she is one (I feel like this sentence should do a better job connecting to the next sentence and paragraph. It's a little bit confusing to me.) At least according to Kira’s latest stalker, Lauren.

 

In Lauren’s world, Kira is a character in a book. And not a book that ends well. Turns out, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. What’s more, there are other androids; androids in just as much trouble as Kira. Saving them might mean giving up Kira’s one chance at revenge—and, according to Lauren, her one chance at life—but who is she if she lets them die? (I read your original version, and I think that last paragraph was more clear in that version than in this one. In this one, you quickly introduce Lauren, but you immediately go back to the story of Kira without giving us even a taste of who Lauren is, besides that she is Kira's stalker and the reader of the book. I would flesh her out a little more and maybe even hint at why she is stalking Kira.)

 

DEATH AND ROBOT GIRL is a 90,000-word etc. etc.

 

You had a pretty good query to start off with that was relatively concise, and I see you made it even more concise. I personally think you got rid of some details that were working in your query. I don't know if others agree with me, but this is my opinion. Good luck!


Have a moment to offer up some very much appreciated feedback? :)

My Young Adult Dystopian Query: http://agentquerycon...ate-on-post-15/


#20 rhwashere

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Posted 16 May 2018 - 05:07 PM

Okay, what I'm hearing is that the main problem with Lauren isn't fixed and the adding new information about high school is too much info. Also Micronesia I heard your thing about the tone, but I wanted to nail the Lauren thing before I considered whether I want to change the wording of that, or pick a new sentiment.

 

So. DRAFT # 3

 

Dear X,

 

Sci-Fi lied. Being a teen android—and the only android in existence—isn’t fun, it sucks. Book androids get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira Garcia gets is overheating, a human family that forgets she’s not human, and oh yeah, a sadistic creator who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience. (This isn't a bad opener, but when there are three italicized words in three sentences, they begin to lose their punch. I would keep the one for sucks and get rid of the other two.)

 

And Kira? It’s pretty clear she’s sentient. (I like this line a lot. It's got good voice and wry humor. Bravo!)

 

So, when her creator finally orders her demolition, Kira’s only hope is to convince her family to help her escape before her creator strikes. (That last bit is implied) But when an attack meant for Kira leaves her brother in the hospital, all hope for escape is dashed. (Why does this dash all hope for escape?) Instead, Kira has a new goal: find the man who gave the order to kill her brother and slit his throat. (Is this the same person as her creator? If so, I would stay consistent and refer to him as such.)

 

But Kira soon realizes that someone is following her, and that’s when things get crazy. Apparently, Kira has more in common with book androids than she thought, namely she is one. At least according to Kira’s latest stalker, LaurenAccording to Kira's latest stalker, Lauren, Kira is a character in a book. And not a book that ends well. (I rearranged this a bit to make the phrase "namely she is one" more immediately clear. I also think it flows a little better.)

 

In Lauren’s world, Kira is a character in a book. And not a book that ends well. Turns out, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. What’s more, there are other androids; androids in just as much trouble as Kira. Saving them might mean giving up Kira’s one chance at revenge—and, according to Lauren, her one chance at life—but who is she if she lets them die? (I love this ending!)

 

DEATH AND ROBOT GIRL is a 90,000-word etc. etc.

I think you have a fantastic idea for a story and this query is nearly spot on. My main issues were with the third paragraph, where things get a little murky. I made some rearrangement suggestions in paragraph 4 so that the real twist (that Kira's a character in a book) jumps out. 

 

All in all, this is great! If you have a chance, I would really appreciate your feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...de-51518/page-4


Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...51718/?p=356935






Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Fiction, Science Fiction

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