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DEATH AND ROBOT GIRL (YA Sci-Fi Fantasy) UPDATE in #61

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#21 crestakaz

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Posted 18 May 2018 - 10:33 AM

Okay, what I'm hearing is that the main problem with Lauren isn't fixed and the adding new information about high school is too much info. Also Micronesia I heard your thing about the tone, but I wanted to nail the Lauren thing before I considered whether I want to change the wording of that, or pick a new sentiment.

 

So. DRAFT # 3

 

Dear X,

 

Sci-Fi lied. Being a teen android—and the only android in existence—isn’t fun, it sucks. Love the opening. I'd cut the italics on "lied" though if you're going to have it on "sucks" as well. For me, it was too much too close together Book androids get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira Garcia gets is overheating, a human family that forgets she’s again, more italics not human, and oh yeah, a sadistic creator who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience. I think you can cut the "book androids" sentence--it doesn't add much. Maybe rephrase it to something along lines of, "Instead of x-ray vision, all she gets is..." (side note: I don't usually associate laser and X-ray vision with androids; I think of superheroes) (EDIT: Okay, reading the full query, I understand now, but I think 

 

And Kira? It’s pretty clear she’s sentient. So far, really good

 

So, When her creator finally orders her demolition "finally" makes it seem like he's been holding out, even though you say he'll kill her at even the tiniest sign of sentience. Maybe focus on his discovery of her sentience she's been hiding, Kira’s only hope is to convince her family to help her escape before her creator strikes This last half is fluff that's implied in escape. But when an the (since you focus on a single instance of her creator attacking make it "the" rather than implying multiple; feels cleaner that way) attack meant for Kira leaves her brother in the hospital, all hope for escape is dashed not entirely sure why; family implies more than one person. Are they no longer willing to help her? Are they scared? I get the gist, but a few quick words to explain would help. Instead, Kira has a new goal: find the man who gave the order to kill her brother and slit his throat. But isn't that her creator? Does she not know where he is? It's starting to get a little confusing here

 

But Kira soon realizes that someone is following her, and that’s when things get crazy. Another twist so soon after the first makes the query feel uneven Apparently, Kira has more in common with book androids than she thought, namely she is one wait what? I thought she was an android (EDIT: okay... I didn't read it as her being literally from a book first time around. Not sure how to remedy this). At least according to Kira’s latest stalker, Lauren. Latest stalker? She has a lot of stalkers? Also, it feels late in the game to introduce an important, named character who then takes a backseat role for the rest of the query

 

In Lauren’s world, Kira is a character in a book Hm, not sure how I feel about this. And not a book that ends well. Turns out, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. What’s more, there are other androids; androids in just as much trouble as Kira this part really loses me; there are other book androids? She's just living in a book?. Saving them might mean giving up Kira’s one chance at revenge—and, according to Lauren, her one chance at life—but who is she if she lets them die? So, the query gets a little rocky in the middle, but this last paragraph is where it loses me totally. But I think your stakes are ultra solid. Maybe bring out that internal struggle ("who is she if she lets them die") a little earlier if Kira is battling with the whole issue of being an android vs. being human (we know from the beginning that other people are having that problem, but it doesn't feel like it's internal as well)

 

DEATH AND ROBOT GIRL is a 90,000-word etc. etc.

 

You have a great beginning, but the query gets to be a little too confusing by the end. I think the biggest issue is that Kira's being in a book comes pretty much out of left-field. More of the query needs focus on the "her being in a book" bit to help adjust the reader to what is a huge twist and seems to be the primary issue of the book.

 

For instance "Kira is an android. Once her creator discovers she's sentient, he wants to destroy her. After an attempt to kill her hurts her brother instead, she wants revenge. But then Lauren..." and so on. Basically, get the other stuff out of the way as soon as possible and focus on her being in a book. When I first read the query, once I found out she's just a book character, the stakes kind of went out the window for me, because if she gets killed, who cares? She's a book character. (I know we probably empathize with Kira in the MS once she hits this point, but in a query, it's hard to show that). So, I'd suggest focusing on her being a book character and establish why we should care about her (and apparently the other book androids?) and their plight. I wouldn't even bring up the whole plan to escape or her family backing out--it doesn't add to the main focus of the query, it seems.

 

You have a great beginning, but I think the focus needs to be readjusted a little to help centralize the main issue of the book  :)



#22 cmmg

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Posted 18 May 2018 - 12:20 PM

Ahhhh. Thank you everyone so much for your feedback so far! I've done a few edits to the latest query but I think I'm going to hold off on posting it just yet.

 

Not to sound full of myself, but I really feel like I need to get my synopsis in gear and post it before I accept more criticism because a lot of people are just suggesting things that, given the plot of the book, are just sort of completely illogical. And it makes it so hard to figure out the issue and how to change it because none of the suggestions work (but that doesn't mean there's not a problem). And it's not anyone's fault because, obviously they haven't read the book but it makes it so hard to fix anything when people are telling me to do things that just, don't make any sense? Because like, there's a lot of advice that's "if Lauren's a protagonist" and she 100% is not.

 

 

SO I want to clarify some things to see if people have better advice/suggestions knowing this.

 

Lauren isn't that important, she's not even the biggest secondary character (she shares equal importance with two other secondary characters). She's not a protagonist or POV character. Thus when people say to focus more on her, it feels a little like suggesting to, let's say, someone querying Harry Potter to focus mostly on the quiditch. I mean, it's important to Harry's character and how he solves the final puzzle in the first book, but it's not like the FOCUS of the book. But mentioning her earlier or more makes it seem like she is the focus character which is completely dishonest to the story. Which makes me think I should focus on her less currently.

 

HOWEVER, obviously I know I need to include the magic element in the query so people know there's magic and aren't surprised later, but it's not even the main issue of the book, which is why I keep cutting away from it in the query because it's really not super important, but you need to know it. Like you need to know Kira is a teen, because this YA but I don't focus on it.

 

Kira NEVER deals with anything really about her being in a book, so much as her dealing with how Lauren perceives her to be in a book. There's no book jumping, and Lauren being in a book is only explored via either her relationship with Kira or via the main plot of Kira seeking revenge, so reformatting the query to be about her, just, isn't correct.

 

So is it confusing the way I have it so that people don't know what the main plot is at all? Or does it just feel like "Well, if you're book is only about her dealing with her being a in a book! why did you start with her revenge story if the book isn't about her revenge?" because the book is about the revenge and not the book travelling. And that makes me think I should focus on Lauren LESS so people don't think that's the point of the book.

To crestakaz point, I feel like maybe in the newest query I'm representing that way that book travelling works in the wrong way.

 

So I want to clarify how that works now and see if other people got that or if I should change how it's talked about. The way it works is that Lauren can travel into a the WORLD of a story. So it's basically like an alternative universe where people are alive/act/have independent lives, but that universe is encapsulated in a book. Lauren's world isn't "Real" compared to Kira's world. I feel like in my latest query by saying she's a "book android" that readers might take that to mean that she's not real the same way Lauren is. But she is. This doesn't take place in Lauren's world where Kira's life is just fictional, it takes place in Kira's world where death and torture still you know, feel real to the people dying and being tortured. Kira cares about people in her world because, they do exist in a world that's real and will suffer the same way that anyone in any world would suffer. That's what I alluded to in "In Lauren's world," but I feel like that's not clear?

Would it be clearer/better than to say that that Lauren can travel into alternate universes then, and then just say that Kira's world is a book in Lauren's or does that raise a lot of confusing questions about how an alternate universe can be in a book?

My biggest issue in my manuscript was foreshadowing the use of magic before it's revealed what the magic is, but I did finally get it (I had to add a prologue from a character other than Kira who's the only POV in the novel and also have Kira notice a bunch of weird stuff but mis-attribute it). Should I just foreshadow the use of magic in the query instead of being specific? I feel like that's being disingenuous.

I think, I really need to post a synopsis so that people can see what happens and then see where I'm failing.


 


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#23 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 18 May 2018 - 12:44 PM

Hi there.  I haven't critiqued your query, but your post here got me thinking.  Numer one: yes, definitely put up a synopsis.  This has helped lots of people in sticky situations.

 

Number two: it seems a lot of people are getting hung up on Kira being a character in a book.  Is it crucial to the query to even mention that she's a character in a book? Could you omit the part about Lauren entirely, and just have all the stakes be about Kira? How far along into the novel is it that it's revealed she's  a book character? If it's over a third of the way in, you could just leave it out, since a query usually focuses on the first act of the story.

 

I'm saying this because in the story I'm querying now, my MC gets sucked into a world inside of a carrot, and his crazy neighbour is responsible.  It's not until almost the end of the story that I reveal that the crazy neighbour is actaually an alien who can create worlds with his mind, and that's how he managed to create the world inside of the carrot.  Big plot twist, changes everything, but it's not remotely nessecary to mention in the query.  

 

I'm sorry if this is just another case of not understanding your story and giving illogical advice :(



#24 MICRONESIA

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Posted 18 May 2018 - 12:47 PM

Number two: it seems a lot of people are getting hung up on Kira being a character in a book.  Is it crucial to the query to even mention that she's a character in a book? Could you omit the part about Lauren entirely, and just have all the stakes be about Kira? How far along into the novel is it that it's revealed she's  a book character? If it's over a third of the way in, you could just leave it out, since a query usually focuses on the first act of the story.

 

This was the exact question I was going to ask. Is it even necessary at all?



#25 rhwashere

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Posted 18 May 2018 - 01:03 PM

Maybe it’s just me, but I thought the character in a book thing made the story sound fresh and different from other I, Robot-esque stories. But if it’s not even addressed in the manuscript, cut it.

Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...51718/?p=356935


#26 cmmg

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Posted 18 May 2018 - 01:09 PM

Hi there.  I haven't critiqued your query, but your post here got me thinking.  Numer one: yes, definitely put up a synopsis.  This has helped lots of people in sticky situations.

 

Number two: it seems a lot of people are getting hung up on Kira being a character in a book.  Is it crucial to the query to even mention that she's a character in a book? Could you omit the part about Lauren entirely, and just have all the stakes be about Kira? How far along into the novel is it that it's revealed she's  a book character? If it's over a third of the way in, you could just leave it out, since a query usually focuses on the first act of the story.

 

I'm saying this because in the story I'm querying now, my MC gets sucked into a world inside of a carrot, and his crazy neighbour is responsible.  It's not until almost the end of the story that I reveal that the crazy neighbour is actaually an alien who can create worlds with his mind, and that's how he managed to create the world inside of the carrot.  Big plot twist, changes everything, but it's not remotely nessecary to mention in the query.  

 

I'm sorry if this is just another case of not understanding your story and giving illogical advice :(

My only problem is, this element changes the genre from sci-fi to fantasy so I feel like, my category and comps might not make sense? I don't know if it's necessary to mention it specifically that it's book-travelling, but I do think based on what I've read about agents that I DO need to get around that there's a magic element. Agents don't want to have this type of surprise.

For your own example, it feels like the genre expectation mentioned with "a dude being transported into a carrot world" and "alien that can creates world", are congruent since you're clear already that reality is changeable. But "androids" and "people with the magical ability to transport into other worlds" are really different and don't really have a common element where one suggests the other might be possible. I don't want this to be an example where the query works great but then everyone hates the part about her being in a book, because they didn't know it had fantasy when they requested it.

I didn't mean to sound passive aggressive about people not understanding it, it's just frustrating, because obviously people are putting a lot of time into trying to help me and I feel like an idiot for being like "that can't work." I'm not good at frustration and this is mostly directed at myself for not understand how to fix it then for other people for not knowing something they obviously couldn't know.


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#27 MICRONESIA

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Posted 18 May 2018 - 01:21 PM

To be fair, most agents will likely read your synopsis as well. The twist won't come as a HUGE surprise, so I wouldn't worry about that.

 

Of course it's frustrating. The challenge makes it fun. 



#28 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 18 May 2018 - 01:29 PM

I completely understand about the frustruating part, ahah.  The good news is that lots of agents accept sci-fi AND fantasy, and blends thereof.  So, I don't think they would be too upset if they had a genre-blend on their hands.  I would put up your synopsis, and then maybe some suggestions will be more helpful rather than make you want to pull your hair out :P



#29 lnloft

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Posted 19 May 2018 - 02:51 PM

Reciprocating, thanks. :smile:

Okay, what I'm hearing is that the main problem with Lauren isn't fixed and the adding new information about high school is too much info. Also Micronesia I heard your thing about the tone, but I wanted to nail the Lauren thing before I considered whether I want to change the wording of that, or pick a new sentiment.

 

So. DRAFT # 3

 

Dear X,

 

Sci-Fi lied. I don't like this opening line. Even though I know exactly what you mean, for a moment it still makes me think "Sci-fi" is a character. I think the rest of your hook works pretty well without it. Being a teen android—and the only android in existence—isn’t fun, it sucks. Book androids Androids in books [don't have to make this change, because I thought it was pretty clear what you mean, but it might just make sure that no one gets confused] get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira Garcia gets is overheating, a human family that forgets she’s not human, and, [comma] oh yeah, a sadistic creator who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience.

 

And Kira? It’s pretty clear she’s sentient. So, again, I know what you mean, where it's clear to her that she's sentient and she's trying to hide it, but this line still makes me think the creator is pretty incompetent if it's "pretty clear" she's sentient and hasn't figured it out yet.

 

So, when her creator finally orders her demolition, Kira’s only hope is to convince her family to help her escape before her creator strikes. But when an attack meant for Kira leaves her brother in the hospital, all hope for escape is dashed. Instead, Kira has a new goal: find the man who gave the order to kill her brother and slit his throat. I'm getting into semantics here, but precision is so important. Using the word "dashed" implies to me that it's just impossible to escape, but it seems more that she still could run off, she just doesn't want to anymore because revenge is more important. So I'd pick slightly different phrasing there. And also, you say the attack is meant for Kira, but then you refer to "gave the order to kill her brother", which confuses me, because that implies that her brother was always the target rather than collateral damage.

 

But Kira soon realizes that someone is following her, and that’s when things get crazy Not a fan of this line.. Apparently, Kira has more in common with book androids than she thought, namely she is one. At least according to Kira’s latest Why "latest"? Has she had stalkers before? I think you're fine cutting this word. stalker, Lauren.

 

In Lauren’s world What does this mean? Has Lauren entered a book?, Kira is a character in a book. And not a book that ends well. Turns out, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. What’s more, there are other androids; androids in just as much trouble as Kira. Saving them might mean giving up Kira’s one chance at revenge—and, according to Lauren, her one chance at life—but who is she if she lets them die? Good stakes. Only nitpick is not phrase it as a question.

 

DEATH AND ROBOT GIRL is a 90,000-word etc. etc.

So I read and critiqued your query and then went back and read the discussion over the next few posts where you discuss clarifying things. I totally get the frustration of people suggesting things that aren't correct. I've had a lot of people keep referring to my book as being in space when that is absolutely not the case, so I've been there. And so one small thing I would suggest is that you advertise your genre as science fantasy. Especially if you put it in the subject line of your query emails [Query: DEATH AND ROBOT GIRL (Science fantasy)], that'll help put it in the back of the agents' minds that despite what the story starts off as, it's not going to be pure sci-fi.

 

Anyway, I think even though you say that Lauren isn't one of the most important characters, she's still worth keeping in, because the whole book thing is a big part of what makes your story unique. It's not just a revenge/android wants to kill creator story. So the trick is to figure out how to do it in an as clear and simple way as possible. I understand enough of what you mean from your description in your clarifier (it's a trippy concept, so I think it's okay for us to be a little "whoa" about it).

 

And now I've been staring at this for a while and it slowly hits me that I'm not actually sure on how Lauren sharing that she thinks Kira is from a book ties in with everything starting with "Turns out, Kira's creators...". Maybe showing how those things tie together will help you clarify some things as well? Ugh, I don't envy you this task, but I do think you have a cool sounding book here. Good luck.


Nothing to reciprocate on right now; I'm off in the query trenches.


#30 W.P.

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Posted 22 May 2018 - 02:38 AM

Sci-Fi lied. ((Love the first sentence for the query. However, I don't think you need the italics. I just skimmed the query and noticed at least five other italicised words. Many agents will assume this is also a thing in the novel and might be put them off.)) Being a teen android—and the only android in existence—isn’t fun, it  ((this could be removed)) sucks. Book androids get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira Garcia gets is overheating, a human family that forgets she’s ((the italics here are unnecessary)) not human, and oh yeah, a sadistic creator who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience. ((really like the first paragraph. ))

 

And Kira? It’s pretty clear she’s sentient.

 

So, when her creator finally orders her demolition, Kira’s only hope is to convince her family to help her escape before her creator strikes ((implied. also, you already mention the creator ordering her destruction, so it's sort of redundant.)). But when an attack meant for Kira leaves her brother in the hospital, all hope for escape is dashed ((why? can't she just escape without them?)). Instead, ((I think you could go from "her brother in the hospital  to this -->))Kira has a new goal: find the man who gave the order to kill her brother and slit his throat.

 

But Kira soon realizes that someone is following her, and that’s ((unnecessary italics)) when things get crazy. Apparently,  (("It seems"?  the adverb just doesnt sound right to me personally)) Kira has more in common with book androids than she thought, namely she is one. At least according to Kira’s latest stalker, Lauren.

 

In Lauren’s world, Kira is a character in a book. And not a book that ends well. Turns out, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. What’s more, there are other androids; androids in just as much trouble as Kira. Saving them might mean giving up Kira’s one chance at revenge—and, according to Lauren, her one chance at life ((unnecessary italics))but who is she if she lets them die?  ((I feel like this paragraph was building up to something, but this last part kinda fell flat to me. Maybe because it's so vague or because the stakes are just emotional? I'm not sure. but it might be just me. I'd check the others' responses to this. ))

 

 

Thanks so much for the awesome critique. :) I'm here to return the favour yet again. 

 

I like the query and think it's clear enough. My one issue is the amount of italicised words. Most of them don't need italics because they are emphasised naturally through your writing. :)

Anyway, I hope this has been helpful. :D



#31 MICRONESIA

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Posted 22 May 2018 - 05:22 AM

In Lauren’s world, Kira is a character in a book. And not a book that ends well. Turns out, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. What’s more, there are other androids; androids in just as much trouble as Kira. Saving them might mean giving up Kira’s one chance at revenge—and, according to Lauren, her one chance at life ((unnecessary italics))but who is she if she lets them die?  ((I feel like this paragraph was building up to something, but this last part kinda fell flat to me. Maybe because it's so vague or because the stakes are just emotional? I'm not sure. but it might be just me. I'd check the others' responses to this. ))

 

I agree with this.



#32 Tree

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Posted 22 May 2018 - 03:58 PM

I'd get rid of some of the italics, there's too many. Dilutes the impact.

How far into the book does Lauren appear? Is it her story or Kira's? The comparison to Thursday Next makes me think Lauren is the MC and Kira's world is backstory to her book-jumping adventure.

#33 cmmg

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Posted 22 May 2018 - 05:56 PM

I'd get rid of some of the italics, there's too many. Dilutes the impact. Yeah I was really overzealous with the italics lol

How far into the book does Lauren appear? She appears about 25%  of the way through and the conclusion of her introduction things concludes Act 1 so she technically does appear in the first Act, but at the end of that. Still, I think it's an important element to include. I night chance some confusion if it makes my story sound more original. 

Is it her story or Kira's? The comparison to Thursday Next makes me think Lauren is the MC and Kira's world is backstory to her book-jumping adventure.

 

It's definitely Kira's story. I feel like focusing on Lauren too much in my current query makes it seem like she's too central, so I'm trying to pare down with that. But it's Kira's show. In terms of comp titles (also considered bookjumpers, and the hazelwood a little) the issue is all comp titles I can think of that have book jumping are all from the POV of the book-jumpers. And my whole thing is I wanted to have from the POV of the person in the book-world. I might just not have comp titles for now.

 If anyone ever thinks of better comp titles let me know. I really only read one Thrusday Next book from the POV of the "real" Thrusday Next. One of Our Thrusdays is Missing, so I may be off with that.


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#34 lnloft

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Posted 22 May 2018 - 07:41 PM

Just one thought I'm having: can you phrase it so you don't need to use Lauren's name? Like find some sort of descriptor to call her by? Not the one you want to actually use, but "the stalker" or whatever. It might not work, but if you can pull it off then it might effectively deemphasize her while not requiring you to relinquish any of the exposition around her. Because I do agree that you need to keep her in. She's a big part of what makes your book unique, but if she doesn't get a name in the query, then it shows very clearly she's not the MC. Just a consideration.


Nothing to reciprocate on right now; I'm off in the query trenches.


#35 cmmg

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Posted 23 May 2018 - 08:46 AM

Just one thought I'm having: can you phrase it so you don't need to use Lauren's name? Like find some sort of descriptor to call her by? Not the one you want to actually use, but "the stalker" or whatever. It might not work, but if you can pull it off then it might effectively deemphasize her while not requiring you to relinquish any of the exposition around her. Because I do agree that you need to keep her in. She's a big part of what makes your book unique, but if she doesn't get a name in the query, then it shows very clearly she's not the MC. Just a consideration.

That's an interesting suggestion. Right now I think I'll do something different, so Lauren is maybe framed as an obstacle to what Kira wants or something so we know she's sort of important, but important from Kira's POV. But if that doesn't work out, I might try something like this.


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#36 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 23 May 2018 - 10:11 AM

After reading your synopsis, I take back my suggestion that you don't need Lauren in the query. I agree with Inloft; it's a big part of what makes your book unique.

Is Kira in disbelief when Lauren tells her she's a character in a book? I dunno, even if I was an android going through crazy shit, if somone came along and told me I was a work of fiction I wouldn't believe it at first. Could you add some element in the query of Kira questioning if what Lauren is saying is true or not? And then the person reading the query would also be questioning it and also wouldn't be thinking Lauren is the MC?



#37 MICRONESIA

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Posted 23 May 2018 - 10:24 AM

I just read the synopsis. We're not really "book jumping" at all, correct? It seems these robots aren't characters in a story so much as... leading fake lives in fake worlds? Up to this point, I assumed there was a shift from sci-fi to fantasy. But it doesn't seem like there really is one. I had this genre-switching issue with the query as well. I'm not sure if this is helpful. I'm just saying the query set me up for a different kind of story than the one in the synopsis.

 

Side note: the story ends with Kira saving robots and letting real humans die? That... could be a problem. Aren't flesh-and-blood beings way more valuable than machines? A lot of readers might be turned off by this.



#38 Tree

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Posted 23 May 2018 - 10:53 AM

Posted Yesterday, 05:56 PM

Tree, on 22 May 2018 - 4:57 PM, said:snapback.png

I'd get rid of some of the italics, there's too many. Dilutes the impact. Yeah I was really overzealous with the italics lol

How far into the book does Lauren appear? She appears about 25%  of the way through and the conclusion of her introduction things concludes Act 1 so she technically does appear in the first Act, but at the end of that. Still, I think it's an important element to include. I night chance some confusion if it makes my story sound more original.  

Is it her story or Kira's? The comparison to Thursday Next makes me think Lauren is the MC and Kira's world is backstory to her book-jumping adventure.

 

It's definitely Kira's story. I feel like focusing on Lauren too much in my current query makes it seem like she's too central, so I'm trying to pare down with that. But it's Kira's show. In terms of comp titles (also considered bookjumpers, and the hazelwood a little) the issue is all comp titles I can think of that have book jumping are all from the POV of the book-jumpers. And my whole thing is I wanted to have from the POV of the person in the book-world. I might just not have comp titles for now.

 

First off, you should definitely read the rest of the Thursday Next series, just because it's awesome :)

 

Someone upthread suggested dropping Lauren's name & I think that would help keep the focus on Kira. I also liked your reference above to alternate universes. Maybe expand on that a tiny bit? I think it could stand to be a bit more clear why Kira believes this or would do anything to help a stalker who claims to be from another universe. Some ideas below.

 

But Kira soon realizes that someone is following her, and that's when things get crazy.

 

Her stalker claims to be from a different universe where Kira is just a character in a book.  And not a book that ends well. If she's right, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. This is confusing - why does it mean that? What’s more, there are other androids; androids in just as much trouble as Kira. Saving them might mean giving up Kira’s one chance at revenge—and her one chance at life  staying alive? having a different life? turning into a real girl, Pinocchio-style?

 

I know its frustrating, but think of it this way: we are all very interested in your plot and characters! So interested that we keep trying to get you to add more and more and more into the query :)  Take it all with a shaker of salt.



#39 cmmg

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Posted 23 May 2018 - 01:02 PM

@DisgruntledWriter, Kira doesn't question Lauren because Lauren actually gives her the book. I mean at first there's a line like "I mean, I knew I was a sentient android but you have to draw the line somewhere" but's not even a full scene  This is more of a "character tries to deal with a fangirl thinking she knows better than her" than "her whole reality is in question." But I DO like the idea of putting Lauren and Kira in conflict.

 

@Micronesia. Yeah, I feel like I'm going to add a different/parallel world. The thing with the humans though is that in the actual event it's more clear why she chooses that, and their are also humans are her side (Lauren, like 5 of her family members, plus all the human family members of the other robots) who will be killed if she fails (ie killed in order to "get to her"). So it's not just a "robot vs humans thing, but I see how the wording could be better. Though I think the fact that their sentient makes them equivalent. I might change the wording to "not-so innocent" to make alleviate that a bit, but if she's just killing people who tortured her, it's not really a moral dilemma.

 

I'll post a rough draft later maybe incorporating some of these elements to see if it changes the tone.


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synopsis


#40 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 23 May 2018 - 01:58 PM

@DisgruntledWriter, Kira doesn't question Lauren because Lauren actually gives her the book. I mean at first there's a line like "I mean, I knew I was a sentient android but you have to draw the line somewhere" but's not even a full scene  This is more of a "character tries to deal with a fangirl thinking she knows better than her" than "her whole reality is in question." But I DO like the idea of putting Lauren and Kira in conflict.

 

@Micronesia. Yeah, I feel like I'm going to add a different/parallel world. The thing with the humans though is that in the actual event it's more clear why she chooses that, and their are also humans are her side (Lauren, like 5 of her family members, plus all the human family members of the other robots) who will be killed if she fails (ie killed in order to "get to her"). So it's not just a "robot vs humans thing, but I see how the wording could be better. Though I think the fact that their sentient makes them equivalent. I might change the wording to "not-so innocent" to make alleviate that a bit, but if she's just killing people who tortured her, it's not really a moral dilemma.

 

I'll post a rough draft later maybe incorporating some of these elements to see if it changes the tone.

 

Well that answers that :P Maybe adding something like "Kira is in disbelief at first, until Lauren hands her a book with her story in it."

I also really, really like both Tree's and Micronesia's suggestions on adding in the alt. universe idea.







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