Okay, what I'm hearing is that the main problem with Lauren isn't fixed and the adding new information about high school is too much info. Also Micronesia I heard your thing about the tone, but I wanted to nail the Lauren thing before I considered whether I want to change the wording of that, or pick a new sentiment.
So. DRAFT # 3
Sci-Fi lied. Being a teen android—and the only android in existence—isn’t fun, it sucks. Love the opening. I'd cut the italics on "lied" though if you're going to have it on "sucks" as well. For me, it was too much too close together Book androids get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira Garcia gets is overheating, a human family that forgets she’s again, more italics not human, and oh yeah, a sadistic creator who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience. I think you can cut the "book androids" sentence--it doesn't add much. Maybe rephrase it to something along lines of, "Instead of x-ray vision, all she gets is..." (side note: I don't usually associate laser and X-ray vision with androids; I think of superheroes) (EDIT: Okay, reading the full query, I understand now, but I think
And Kira? It’s pretty clear she’s sentient. So far, really good
So,When her creator finally orders her demolition "finally" makes it seem like he's been holding out, even though you say he'll kill her at even the tiniest sign of sentience. Maybe focus on his discovery of her sentience she's been hiding, Kira’s only hope is to convince her family to help her escape before her creator strikesThis last half is fluff that's implied in escape. But when anthe (since you focus on a single instance of her creator attacking make it "the" rather than implying multiple; feels cleaner that way) attack meant for Kira leaves her brother in the hospital, all hope for escape is dashed not entirely sure why; family implies more than one person. Are they no longer willing to help her? Are they scared? I get the gist, but a few quick words to explain would help. Instead, Kira has a new goal: find the man who gave the order to kill her brother and slit his throat. But isn't that her creator? Does she not know where he is? It's starting to get a little confusing here
But Kira soon realizes that someone is following her, and that’s when things get crazy. Another twist so soon after the first makes the query feel uneven Apparently, Kira has more in common with book androids than she thought, namely she is one wait what? I thought she was an android (EDIT: okay... I didn't read it as her being literally from a book first time around. Not sure how to remedy this). At least according to Kira’s latest stalker, Lauren. Latest stalker? She has a lot of stalkers? Also, it feels late in the game to introduce an important, named character who then takes a backseat role for the rest of the query
In Lauren’s world, Kira is a character in a book Hm, not sure how I feel about this. And not a book that ends well. Turns out, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. What’s more, there are other androids; androids in just as much trouble as Kira this part really loses me; there are other book androids? She's just living in a book?. Saving them might mean giving up Kira’s one chance at revenge—and, according to Lauren, her one chance at life—but who is she if she lets them die? So, the query gets a little rocky in the middle, but this last paragraph is where it loses me totally. But I think your stakes are ultra solid. Maybe bring out that internal struggle ("who is she if she lets them die") a little earlier if Kira is battling with the whole issue of being an android vs. being human (we know from the beginning that other people are having that problem, but it doesn't feel like it's internal as well)
DEATH AND ROBOT GIRL is a 90,000-word etc. etc.
You have a great beginning, but the query gets to be a little too confusing by the end. I think the biggest issue is that Kira's being in a book comes pretty much out of left-field. More of the query needs focus on the "her being in a book" bit to help adjust the reader to what is a huge twist and seems to be the primary issue of the book.
For instance "Kira is an android. Once her creator discovers she's sentient, he wants to destroy her. After an attempt to kill her hurts her brother instead, she wants revenge. But then Lauren..." and so on. Basically, get the other stuff out of the way as soon as possible and focus on her being in a book. When I first read the query, once I found out she's just a book character, the stakes kind of went out the window for me, because if she gets killed, who cares? She's a book character. (I know we probably empathize with Kira in the MS once she hits this point, but in a query, it's hard to show that). So, I'd suggest focusing on her being a book character and establish why we should care about her (and apparently the other book androids?) and their plight. I wouldn't even bring up the whole plan to escape or her family backing out--it doesn't add to the main focus of the query, it seems.
You have a great beginning, but I think the focus needs to be readjusted a little to help centralize the main issue of the book :)