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DEATH AND ROBOT GIRL (YA Sci-Fi Fantasy) UPDATE in #61

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#61 cmmg

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Posted 01 June 2018 - 08:20 AM

My attempt to sort of combine the two versions take too, where one has more voice and the other maybe made Lauren's intro clearer. For the last question I'm also considering "--and according to Lauren, her one chance at life--but can Kira really condemn innocent people to save herself?"

 

I'm really going in circles with this I feel.

 

SIDE NOTE: No, the Lauren stuff cannot be added earlier because of reasons inherent to the premise. Thank you for thinking of it.

 

Dear Agent,

 

Being a teen android—and the only android ever—isn’t fun, it sucks. Movie androids get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira Garcia gets is overheating, a human family that forgets she’s not human, and, oh yeah, a sadistic creator who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience.

 

And it’s pretty clear she’s sentient.

 

All Kira wants is freedom—and to figure out why she was made. So, when her creators finally order her demolition, her only hope is to convince her family to escape with her. But when an attack meant for Kira leaves her brother in the hospital, all hope for escape is dashed. She can’t abandon her brother. Instead, Kira has a new goal: find the man who slit her brother’s throat and make him pay.

 

Enter Lauren, a girl about shatter Kira's very reality. It turns out, Lauren is from a parallel universe, a world where Kira’s entire life is just a book. A book that Lauren travelled to fix an apparently ungodly ending. If Lauren's telling the truth, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. What’s more, her makers have other androids; androids in just as much trouble as Kira. Taking the time to save them might mean giving up Kira’s one chance at revenge—and according to Lauren, her one chance at life—but who is Kira if she lets them die?


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synopsis


#62 Denisa

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Posted 03 June 2018 - 06:18 AM

My attempt to sort of combine the two versions take too, where one has more voice and the other maybe made Lauren's intro clearer. For the last question I'm also considering "--and according to Lauren, her one chance at life--but can Kira really condemn innocent people to save herself?"

 

I'm really going in circles with this I feel.

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

Being a teen android—and the only android ever—isn’t fun, it sucks. Movie androids get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira Garcia gets is overheating, a human family that forgets she’s not human, and, oh yeah, a sadistic creator who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience.

 

And it’s pretty clear she’s sentient.

 

All Kira wants is freedom—and to figure out why she was made ​her purpose? I think it would be a stronger word, but I don't know if it fits your story. So, when her creators finally order her demolition, her only hope is to convince her family to escape with her someone already pointed out a problem here. Why can't she escape on her own? If she doesn't want to leave her family behind, you should make that clear. just say she needs to escape but can't leave her family behind. this way you'll also show that she is sentient, not just tell as in the previous paras. But when an attack meant for Kira leaves her brother in the hospital, all hope for escape is dashed. She can’t abandon her brother. Insteadmaybe go with her plans change/ are derailed. , Kira has a new goal: find the man who slit her brother’s throat and make him pay.

 

Enter Lauren, a girl about to shatter Kira's very reality. It turns out, Lauren is from a parallel universe, a world where Kira’s entire life is just a book. A book that Lauren travelled to fix an apparently ungodly ending. If Lauren's telling the truth, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. What’s more, her makers have other androids; androids in just as much trouble as Kira. Taking the time to save them might mean giving up Kira’s one chance at revenge—and according to Lauren, her one chance at life I like this addition—but who is Kira if she lets them die? 

I think your query is good. you might need to tighten things a bit more here and there. 

 

Thank you for your feedback on my query! I found it very helpful and revised the query according to your suggestions. I hope it's better now.



#63 punitrastogi

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Posted 04 June 2018 - 02:44 AM

My attempt to sort of combine the two versions take too, where one has more voice and the other maybe made Lauren's intro clearer. For the last question I'm also considering "--and according to Lauren, her one chance at life--but can Kira really condemn innocent people to save herself?"

 

I'm really going in circles with this I feel.

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

Being a teen android—and the only android ever—isn’t fun, it sucks. Movie androids get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira Garcia gets is overheating, a human family that forgets she’s not human, and, oh yeah, a sadistic creator who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience.

 

And it’s pretty clear she’s sentient.

 

All Kira wants is freedom(I know I haven't asked this to you before, but what does she want freedom from? Is she unhappy with the family except his brother? If yes, then it is not coming clearly. If not, remove the "freedom" part. Unless the freedom is from the looming threat of death.).—and to figure out why she was made. So, when her creators finally order her demolition, her only hope is to convince her family to escape with her. But when an attack meant for Kira leaves her brother in the hospital, all hope(intent?) for escape is dashed. She can’t abandon her brother. Instead, Kira has a new goal: find the man who slit her brother’s throat and make him pay.

 

Enter Lauren, a girl about to shatter Kira's very reality. It turns out, Lauren is from a parallel (This is not how parallel universes work. You can use alternate reality/dimension etc.) universe, a world where Kira’s entire life is just a book. A book that Lauren travelled into to fix an apparently supposedly ungodly ending. If Lauren is telling the truth, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. What’s more, her makers have made other androids; androids in just as much trouble as Kira. Taking the time to save them might mean giving up Kira’s one chance at revenge—and according to Lauren, her one chance at life—but who is Kira if she lets them die?but can Kira really condemn innocent people to fulfill her goal? (Changed it a bit more.)

 

Hope it helps :)



#64 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 04 June 2018 - 07:30 AM

One thing to give some thought to is if you really want to end your query on the rhetorical question. Agents aren’t the biggest fans of them.

#65 cmmg

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Posted 04 June 2018 - 12:37 PM

One thing to give some thought to is if you really want to end your query on the rhetorical question. Agents aren’t the biggest fans of them.

Whenever agents talk about this though, It's always questions directed at them "What if..." or "Do you ever wonder" rather than questions characters ask themselves. I'll keep it for now, but I might change it later.


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synopsis


#66 Tree

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Posted 04 June 2018 - 02:53 PM

My attempt to sort of combine the two versions take too, where one has more voice and the other maybe made Lauren's intro clearer. For the last question I'm also considering "--and according to Lauren, her one chance at life--but can Kira really condemn innocent people to save herself?"

 

I'm really going in circles with this I feel.

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

Being a teen android—and the only android ever—isn’t fun, it sucks. Movie androids get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira Garcia gets is overheating, a human family that forgets she’s not human, and, oh yeah, a sadistic creator who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience.

 

And it’s pretty clear she’s sentient.

 

All Kira wants is freedom—and to figure out why she was made. So, when her creators finally order her demolition, her only hope is to convince her family to escape with her. But when an attack meant for Kira leaves her brother in the hospital, all hope for escape is dashed. She can’t abandon her brother. Instead, Kira has a new goal: find the man who slit her brother’s throat and make him pay.

 

Enter Lauren, a girl about to shatter Kira's very reality. It turns out, Lauren is from a parallel universe, a world where Kira’s entire life is just a book. A book that Lauren travelled into to fix an apparently ungodly ending. If Lauren's telling the truth, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. What’s more, her makers have other androids; androids in just as much trouble as Kira. Taking the time to save them might mean giving up Kira’s one chance at revenge—and according to Lauren, her one chance at life—but who is Kira if she lets them die?  Wow, you found a great way to express the Lauren stuff. Awesome. 



#67 MICRONESIA

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Posted 05 June 2018 - 06:36 AM

Janet Reid: I used to be ok with rhetorical questions but then they just seemed to get lame and then more lame. It's entirely possible my tastes have changed. Agents are getting a LOT more queries now then they used to (or at least that's my sense of things--and my mail reflects that too). When you see a lot of rhetorical questions done poorly it just gets to the point that you never want to see one again. 

 

Nathan Bransford: Rhetorical questions are a powerful force for evil. They feel no pain and can’t be reasoned with. Do I wish rhetorical questions would temporarily assume human form so I could tell Mr. Rhetorical Question that he is bad writing and should never allow himself to be used in any letters, particularly ones addressed to me because they are a sure-fire sign of a query letter gone astray and I will probably not want to request a manuscript if he is in the letter? Yes. Yes, I do.



#68 cmmg

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Posted 05 June 2018 - 08:02 AM

Janet Reid: I used to be ok with rhetorical questions but then they just seemed to get lame and then more lame. It's entirely possible my tastes have changed. Agents are getting a LOT more queries now then they used to (or at least that's my sense of things--and my mail reflects that too). When you see a lot of rhetorical questions done poorly it just gets to the point that you never want to see one again. 

 

Nathan Bransford: Rhetorical questions are a powerful force for evil. They feel no pain and can’t be reasoned with. Do I wish rhetorical questions would temporarily assume human form so I could tell Mr. Rhetorical Question that he is bad writing and should never allow himself to be used in any letters, particularly ones addressed to me because they are a sure-fire sign of a query letter gone astray and I will probably not want to request a manuscript if he is in the letter? Yes. Yes, I do.

I'm not trying to be obstinate about this, but when people give examples of rhetorical questions they hate, it's usually different than the one I'm using right now. Usually its more directed outward (to the agent) than a character asking themselves a question like "But then Casey discovers she's a witch, but that can't be all, right?" seems more in the POV of Casey is that makes sense? Like the above quote by Nathan Bransford "will I probably not want to request  manuscript if he is in the letter?" Could be asked rhetorically, or not. Speaking of Janet Reid in some of the Query shark posts, there are rhetorical questions used to good effect (#294 "but which is light and which is dark" or post #284), but they're not asked to the agent.

 

But having it sound very rhetorical was why I wasn't sold on my alternative question "can she sacrificial innocent lives to save her own?" because it reads to "and will they do X?" which I know agents don't like. So I'm not trying to say "all rhetorical questions are fine" but "some types of questions can work well." I feel like my original question reads differently so I'm tempted to leave it alone temporarily.

 

Anyway, I'm not sold on/married to having it be a question, but for now, I like the sentiment it's expressing, When I think of a better way to phrase it, I'll post it or just change it myself, but I don't have anything I like a lot more yet, so it's best to keep it  a question and explore the other options as sentiments rather than as the final form of a sentence, if that makes sense?


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#69 RegE

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Posted 05 June 2018 - 10:23 AM

My attempt to sort of combine the two versions take too, where one has more voice and the other maybe made Lauren's intro clearer. For the last question I'm also considering "--and according to Lauren, her one chance at life--but can Kira really condemn innocent people to save herself?"

 

I'm really going in circles with this I feel.

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

Being a teen android—and the only android ever (made)—isn’t fun, it sucks. Movie androids get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira Garcia gets is overheating, a human family that forgets she’s not human, and, oh yeah, a sadistic creator who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience.

 

And it’s pretty clear she’s sentient. (Is it just clear to her and her family?)

 

All Kira wants is freedom—and to figure out why she was made. So, when her creators finally order her demolition (Deconstruction / disassembly ? Demolition feels weird. It makes me think of buildings.), her only hope is to convince her family to escape with her. But when an attack meant for Kira leaves her brother in the hospital (Is her brother part of the family, or another android? I know yous aid she's the only one, so I was confised when I read 'brother'), all hope for escape is dashed (ruined / destroyed. Dashed isn't strong enough. Too cartoony). She can’t abandon her brother. Instead, Kira has a new goal: find the man who slit her brother’s throat and make him pay (Is he dead? HAving your throat slit is pretty serious. I don;t know if it is survivable! He's in hospital right?).

 

Enter Lauren,(Not keen on the use of a stage direction. Maybe just A girl from a parallel universe is going to shatter Kira's reality) a girl about shatter Kira's very reality. It turns out, Lauren is from a parallel universe, a world where Kira’s entire life is just a book. A book that Lauren travelled to fix an apparently ungodly ending. If Lauren's telling the truth, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—and more insidious. What’s more, her makers have other androids; androids in just as much trouble as Kira. Taking the time to save them might mean giving up Kira’s one chance at revenge—and according to Lauren, her one chance at life—but who is Kira if she lets them die? (I love this twist. It does come a  bit out of the blue though. Is there any way to tie it into the beginning. Does she ever suspect her reality is not real!?)

 

 

Overall, this is a strong query. V strong voice.I had a few questions as I was reading through it that I think you should try to address. (It being clear that she's sentient. The brother. The slit throat) 



#70 Sataris

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Posted 05 June 2018 - 12:46 PM

My attempt to sort of combine the two versions take too, where one has more voice and the other maybe made Lauren's intro clearer. For the last question I'm also considering "--and according to Lauren, her one chance at life--but can Kira really condemn innocent people to save herself?"

 

I'm really going in circles with this I feel.

 

 

Dear Agent,

 

Being a teen android—and the only android ever—isn’t fun, it sucks. Movie androids get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira Garcia gets is a tendency to overheating at inopportune moments, a human family that forgets she’s not human, and, oh yeah, a sadistic creator who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience. that she's becoming sentient.

 

"all she gets is overheating" seems a tiny bit awkward to me - i also went and ditched the italics, since I feel like they're drawing a lot of attention.

 

And it’s pretty clear she’s sentient.

 

All Kira wants is freedom—and to figure out why she was made. So, when her creators finally order her demolition (creator was singular previously?), her only hope is to convince her family to escape with her not sure why this is strictly true: she can't just run away herself? Could you phrase it like " her only hope is to leave her family to fend for themselves, etc or does that totally go against the dynamic at play?. But when an attack meant for Kira leaves her brother in the hospital, all hope for escape is dashed. She can’t abandon her brother. Instead, Kira has a new goal: find the man who slit her brother’s throat and make him pay.

 

it seems like the convincing the family thing could go unsaid here: we could just be told that her only hope is escape, and that she changes her mind once her brother is attacked. Otherwise we're sort of being introduced to a plot point that's instantly solved/not totally needed for the larger plot.

 

Enter Lauren, a girl about missing a word here shatter Kira's very reality. It turns out, Lauren is from a parallel universe, a world where Kira’s entire life is just a book. A book that Lauren travelled SP to missing word fix an apparently ungodly ending really like this. If Lauren's telling the truth, Kira's creators plural again are more complex than she thought—and more insidious this feels a little vague to me. What’s more, her makers have other androids; androids in just as much trouble as Kira. Taking the time to save them might mean giving up Kira’s one chance at revenge—and according to Lauren, her one chance at life—but who is Kira if she lets them die?

 

the rhetorical question doesn't bother me so much, but I agree that if you can find a way to phrase it that isn't rhetorical, you'll probably be better off. I do feel like some agents will take issue with this, whether it's justified or not.

I also wonder if the last paragraph could be worked in a bit differently - I don't know if it needs to be, but it seems like we're introduced to personal stakes in the first few paragraphs then the last one changes everything entirely, even the plot itself. maybe this is just a premise thing that's unavoidable unless you want to skip the last paragraph, but can you foreshadow any of this stuff happening earlier on in the query, or maybe show us that Kira exists in a world where parallel realities are known/common/possible etc? That way it won't feel like the last paragraph comes out of nowhere quite so fast?

 

Hope that was helpful! Best of luck.


No current query.


#71 sarahja

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Posted 21 June 2018 - 07:59 AM

My attempt to sort of combine the two versions take too, where one has more voice and the other maybe made Lauren's intro clearer. For the last question I'm also considering "--and according to Lauren, her one chance at life--but can Kira really condemn innocent people to save herself?"

 

I'm really going in circles with this I feel.

 

SIDE NOTE: No, the Lauren stuff cannot be added earlier because of reasons inherent to the premise. Thank you for thinking of it.

 

Dear Agent,

 

Being a teen android—and the only android ever—isn’t fun, it sucks. Movie androids get cool laser eyes and X-ray vision. All Kira Garcia gets is overheating, a human family that forgets she’s not human, and, oh yeah, a sadistic creator who'll kill her at the tiniest sign of sentience.

 

And it’s pretty clear she’s sentient.

 

All Kira wants is freedom—and to figure out why she was made. So, when her creators finally order her demolition, her only hope is to convince her family to escape with her. Why does she need her family to escape with her? Would they be killed or held hostage if she left them? If it's demolition&staying vs running&maybereturningsomeday, wouldn't  the second win out? But when an attack meant for Kira leaves her brother in the hospital, all hope for escape is dashed. She can’t abandon her brother. You could tie this to the earlier escape/family thing by maybe saying her only hope is to escape, BUT because of this sentience thing she can't leave the family she loves, esp when brother attacked. like present (in the same snappy voice) how she can't escape for the very reason they want to kill her, essentially. Instead, Kira has a new goal: find the man who slit her brother’s throat and make him pay. Great

 

Enter Lauren, a girl about shatter Kira's very reality. It turns out, Lauren is from a parallel universe, a world where Kira’s entire life is just a book. A book that Lauren travelled to in order to (or something similar)fix an apparently ungodly ending. If Lauren's telling the truth, Kira's creators are more complex than she thought—Maybe swap this for a comma because you have quite a few em dashes in this queryand more insidious. What’s more, her makers have other androids; androids in just as much trouble as Kira. Taking the time to save them might mean giving up Kira’s one chance at revenge—and according to Lauren, her one chance at lifelove how much this ups the stakes—but who is Kira if she lets them die?I think ending on this thought is really strong, but I do agree that you should swap it from the question if you have half a chance. Marginal gains and all. But the sentence is well-structured and if I hadn't read a million articles on what agents like/dislike I wouldn't have been anything but impressed, so maybe it's worth keeping

I don't know if you're still working on this or done, but, for what it's worth...

:)


If you have the time, please take a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...can-ya-fantasy/






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