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THE PHARAOH'S CAT BOOK ONE--CHILDREN'S EARLY READERQ


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#1 angelicchitwood@gmail.com

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Posted 22 April 2018 - 10:08 PM

My name is Angelic Chitwood-Porter and I am a new children's book writer. Please review my query letter when you are available. Thanks

 

Query Letter:

 

CATS: We watch them on the internet, they are on display in our calendars, and they follow us into our bathrooms. But many people are unaware of the power they held in Ancient Egypt and what powers they truly possess. You don’t have to be a cat person to know that cats are unique creatures and have a demanding presence.

 

APOLLO, ancient Egyptian Mau, warrior protector of the underworld, servant to his royal family, has magically crossed over to modern times Chicago, only to be adopted as a rescue. He is sworn now to protect his new home and family, all with the help of his faithful but frightful kitty sidekick, TAI. Tai is a loveable calico that gives meaning to the phrase scaredy cat. Together they are the cute dynamic duo, proudly kicking butt and taking names when mythical creatures from the underworld cross over to try and conquer the windy city and take revenge on Apollo.

 

Apollo and Tai, team up in different storylines, with the same plot of protecting their new home and trying to find a way back to ancient times.

 

PHAROAH’S CAT is young adult, serial fictional tale, complete at #7881 words, broken into two books.

 

 

The Story of Angelic Chitwood-Porter

As an African-American girl growing up in the not so great part of the great city of Chicago, IL I used my imagination and love of reading and writing to help navigate through the hard times.   I spend many days writing poems and short stories on my grandmother’s dilapidated porch trying escaping to the cold Chicago winters. 

During my college years I help create a local Hip-Hop magazine, called Pivotal Magazine.  In our first year, we interviewed various local Chicago and national recording artists such as Erykah Badu, KRS-One and DMX.  As the fashion editor, my job was to create a section in the magazine that spoke to the fashion hip hop industry as a whole as well as interviewing local designers.   Writing about my love of the fashion industry made this an exciting period of my life.

After graduating with a Bachelor degree from the International Academy of design and Technology I moved to Los Angeles to pursue a career in the fashion business, but I quickly realized that the corporate world was not for me.  So I transferred my passions to Film and Television, working as a Costume Designer, and Production Assistant.  With four feature films, and two TV pilots under my belt I think it is safe to say using my imagination is much more exciting than crunching numbers.

I’m currently working on another installment of my children’s book series entitled “The Pharaoh’s Cat”.  It’s about Apollo an Ancient Egyptian Cat who’s magically transported to present day Chicago, who along with Tai, his best friend and sidekick and their owner Justine fight strange creatures from Ancient Egypt.

My name is Angelic Chitwood-Porter, an African-American storyteller from Chicago, and I make stuff up.

 

 

The Pharaoh’s Cat

By Angelic Chitwood-Porter

 

Over two thousand years ago, lived a great king. He was Pharaoh of all Upper Egypt. His name was Namer.  Namer was the wisest, most loyal Pharaoh that Egypt had ever seen. Namer had a son named Akil and a wife named Dalia who loved Namer like no other. He also had a cat that was able to provide guidance from the other world, named Apollo.  Apollo was the wisest, most talented keeper and protector of the spirit world.  He was also a spirit advisor to Namer.  Apollo gave advice on keeping the peace between their rival royal families in Lower Egypt. No one knew where Apollo was from, he just showed up on the kingdom’s grounds one day and never left. Namer named him Apollo after a Greek ally of his who helped him defeat the evil King of Lower Egypt.

Apollo’s fur was soft as ancient silk. He has a golden tan color with swirls of grey fur on both sides of his body. His eyes were the deepest sky blue. It was like looking into the soul of the heavens.

 

Apollo wore a golden collar with red and green jewels that contained the Egyptian Guide to Other Worldly Creatures. Apollo used the guide to learn how to keep monsters and bad spirits away from the family and the villagers.   The guide also had a list and pictures of all known monsters and evil spirits.  Apollo would add to the book as he found that there were many spirits and monsters that were not known. Whenever he wanted to use the book he would take his paw and rub it against his collar and a ball of white smoke would appear.  Inside the smoke was the book of other worldly creatures. The book would always land right in front of Apollo’s paws.

Apollo walked the halls of the Royal palace and as he passes the first living quarters, he saw the red and gold great pool filled with beautiful pink lotus flowers.  Apollo smiled to himself because the Lotus flower means rebirth and creation.  He can feel that there will be changes to his home very soon. He is not sure what is happening but he can feel that it’s not going to be good for him or the kingdom.

As he continues his walk through the palace Apollo hears King Namer and Dalia talking in the common room. “What are we going to do, Namer? Lower Egypt’s King and his men are on their way to us as we speak! We do not have enough men to ward them off. We have a child and our kingdom is filled with women and children. Where will they go?” “We will get through this Dalia as we always do,” Namer tells her.

Just then Menses, Namer’s sorcerer, runs into the room. “Namer, I have seen the collapse of our Kingdom at the hands of Aheb of Lower Egypt! We must flee and take as much of our wealth as we can." The King looks at his wife and grabs Menses red and gold robes. “MY KINGDOM WILL NOT BE SACRIFICED! WE WILL FIGHT!!!!” Menses releases himself from the Kings grasp and pleads to Queen Dalia. “My dear, Queen Dalia please change our Pharaoh’s mind before we are all dead.” Menses bows and backs out the common room visibly upset.

King Namer walks over to Dalia and looks deep into her eyes. "What are we to do my love?” Dalia takes his hand in hers and says, “The gods will find a way. We must believe in them. They have never failed us before.” Maybe we should have succumbed to their demands? Aheb wanted to combine our kingdoms into one whole Egypt.”

 

Namer stops pacing and looks into his wife’s eyes and says “you would have me succumb to Aheb? Do you honestly think we would have ruled the people of Egypt together? I thought you were wiser than that my love. He wants to take over our kingdom and rule all by himself.  He wants to enslave millions of our people. You say for what? To make him the most powerful King the world has ever seen. He will kill all of us!!! We will fight!!!”  Dalia sits on a beautiful golden draped sofa and bows her head. “At what cost my love…..at what cost.”

Namer is silent and walks across the room. Apollo is still outside the door distraught and overwhelmed.  He walks slowly into the room and rubs his body against Namer. Namer looks down and smiles sadly and picks up Apollo.  “Apollo my dear old friend, you must look after Akil and the kingdom when we are gone. It will not be long before King Aheb and his army storms our kingdom and tries to take what is mine.” King Namer places Apollo back on the ground. Apollo says “we will find a way my friend….we will find a way.”

 

Apollo leaves the royal quarters and walks to the edge of the kingdom, he leaps up to the highest point and he looks back at the Pharaoh's vast kingdom.  He sees the villagers walking with their children and shopping for produce to feed their families.  Apollo is so upset that within a few hours his life with the family he has grown to love and the kingdom that he is so loyal to may be destroyed. Apollo leaves the edge of the kingdom and returns to Menses quarters.

Apollo finds Menses in the room with beautiful glowing, red, green, and gold crystals surrounding him while chanting something that Apollo has never heard before. “EBOO, EBOO MEEOO MEEOO” the chanting gets louder and louder as Apollo steps all the way into the room. Then he notices the entire family in the room as well, dressed in their royal best; gold long robes with red and gold embroidery going all the way down the robes with gold crowns with red rubies embedded in the crowns. The family is holding hands and the Queen is crying.

Menses suddenly stops chanting when he realizes that Apollo is in the room. Turning, Apollo looks deep into the sorcerer’s eyes and cannot find his friend in there. Menses looks like an old, old man.  His brown eyes are glowing gold as he walks up to Apollo and says, "You must leave my friend, for I am helping our kingdom.  They will never find our royalty as they scour Egypt. I am sending them into a secret past of Egypt where no one will find them. This way they can start a new kingdom and we will be right behind.” Apollo is shocked by this news. “No we will fight their King and his people!!! We will not give up, Menses.” Apollo looked at the family and he realizes that they are in a trance like state. They are all holding hands and looking into the golden pot that is in front of them all. In the pot there is nothing but a swirl of golden and green smoke. The swirl of smoke gets bigger and bigger and envelopes them as the family stare into the bowl.

 

Just then a loud boom filters through the kingdom’s gates.  Hundreds of soldiers dressed in blue and gold armor start climbing the walls.   As they reached the inside  of the kingdom they fight  Namer’s guards and towns people as the soldiers make their way to Namer’s quarters. You could see the Kings villagers trying to ward off Lower Egypt’s soldiers by fighting and throwing whatever they can at them but nothing seems to stop Lower Egypt from taking over King Namer’s kingdom.

“Apollo they are here!! They will be here in mere minutes.  This is the only way!” Apollo jumps on Menses shoulders to stop the ritual, but it is too late, Apollo watches as Menses family disappear into a golden and green lighted smoke. Apollo scratches at Menses face and knocks him down to the floor, Apollo jumps into the golden green smoke after his family.

Apollo and the Royal family are now in the golden green smoke. He is turning round and around like a tornado in the light.  Apollo yells as he is turning to his Royal family but, they do not respond. As the turning starts to slow down he can see his family in the distance. He calls to them and they still do not look at him or respond to him.  Then they are gone!! Apollo is falling, falling fast to the ground. He is not turning anymore and he can see trees and weird square moving objects in all colors. He keeps falling back to earth.

 

Apollo falls into the middle of a busy Chicago street at night, in the rain, sniffing the ground so he could smell something familiar to him but nothing smells familiar.  A huge bus comes barreling down the street. To Apollo it sounds like a huge stone falling from the top of the pyramids.  The bus is blue and white with a picture of circus animals on one side of the bus.  There are tigers, bears and elephants pictured on the truck. Apollo thinks this is strange as he has never seen paintings look so vivid on any of the chariots in Egypt. This must be part of Lower Egypt’s plan to confuse him.  As the bus gets closer to Apollo, his fur starts to look like a huge puff ball as it stands on end. He runs up the nearest tree he could find to avoid getting run over by this weird large, loud monster.

 

Apollo is wet, scared and wants to head back to the palace. All he had on him is his golden collar around his neck. Apollo reaches up and touches his paw over his collar to make himself comfortable on the tree top. He takes a big breathe and shakes all the water off of his beautiful fur.

 

He looked down at the ground and he knows that he cannot get down without help from the royal guards. Where are they? Where are Namer and the rest of the Royal family?  Is this what Lower Egypt looks like? He wants to go home now. He's had enough of this foolishness. “WHERE IS MY FAMILY?!” Tired, scared and worried about his family, Apollo curled up into a ball, before falling asleep in the tree.

Hours later Apollo was awakened by a strange sound. “Mooch…mooch….Mooch….here kitty, kitty kitty.” An old woman was calling to Apollo from the ground below. Apollo stretches out and looks down at the old woman like she’s crazy. Apollo calls down to the old lady thinking that she could understand him.  “Where am I? Is this Lower Egypt? Where is Namer?” But the lady kept saying.  “Mooch, mooch, mooch, here kitty, kitty, and kitty. Please come down. Don’t be scared.”

 Apollo thought that this was a spell from the sorcerer Menses, which is why she seems to be wearing such strange clothing and speaking in such a strange language.

A bright red fire engine drives up to Apollo and the old woman and begins to put a ladder underneath the tree.

 

Worried that this oddly dressed man was one of Aheb's men, Apollo backed up and shouts, “Do not come near me you villain, or I will have your head!!!” The fireman begins to climb the stairs of the ladder. A few moments later, the fireman calls down to the sweet old lady, “Ma'am can you try to soothe the cat down? His meowing is annoying.” Apollo was shocked that the strange man thought he was meowing!!!

Then Apollo realized that this is the other world that Menses had set up for his family to go to. So surely Apollo’s family should be around here. Apollo began to look around the strange place that had trees and strange buildings and people at the bottom of the tree that kept looking up at him and saying things that he did not understand.  As the fireman got closer to Apollo he slowly moved back and the fireman moved closer saying, “Be still cute kitty, you are gorgeous with those blue eyes you have! Wow, I may have to keep you myself.” Apollo backed up too much and fell all the way to the ground with the fireman still on the ladder. Apollo, of course, landed on his feet. The fall stunned him and he did not get a chance to run before a woman with strange yellow clothing with odd writing on the front, picked him up. He yowled and squirmed, doing his best to kick and scratch at this strange person. But it was no use. He was caught. Apollo was placed in a cage with two other cats at a local animal shelter.

Apollo was an outcast. But there was one cat that was more afraid than Apollo was in this new world.

 



#2 Springfield

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Posted 22 April 2018 - 10:32 PM

 

My name is Angelic Chitwood-Porter and I am a new children's book writer. Please review my query letter when you are available. Thanks
 
Hi :)

 

Query Letter:

 

CATS: We watch them on the internet, they are on display in our calendars, and they follow us into our bathrooms. But many people are unaware of the power they held in Ancient Egypt and what powers they truly possess. You don’t have to be a cat person to know that cats are unique creatures and have a demanding presence.  This is... odd, kind of on several levels. I'm not sure about starting like this; the opening list is kind of a strange collection; I think most people are aware of that; it doesn't really say anything.

 

APOLLO, ancient Egyptian Mau, warrior protector of the underworld, servant to his royal family, has magically crossed over to modern times Chicago, only to be adopted as a rescue. There are issues with grammar that make this a bit harder to parse than is ideal. Also, I think explaining a bit would help here. He is sworn now to protect his new home and family, all with the help of his faithful but frightful kitty sidekick, TAI. These shouldn't be capped btw. Tai is a loveable calico that gives meaning to the phrase scaredy cat. Together they are the cute dynamic duo, proudly kicking butt and taking names when mythical creatures from the underworld cross over to try and conquer the windy city and take revenge on Apollo. For what? What is the plot here? Stakes? What happened to the family?

 

Apollo and Tai, team up in different storylines, with the same plot of protecting their new home and trying to find a way back to ancient times. The commas are painful, but besides that, I don't know if you mean in this or you're suggesting this has series potential.

 

PHAROAH’S CAT is young adult, I thought it was an early reader? serial fictional tale, I have no idea what this means.  complete at #7881 words, This is way too long for an early reader, way too short for young adult, so now I've got no idea what's happening, or why there's a random hashtag there. broken into two books. What?

 

 

The Story of Angelic Chitwood-Porter

As an African-American girl growing up in the not so great part of the great city of Chicago, IL I used my imagination and love of reading and writing to help navigate through the hard times.   I spend many days writing poems and short stories on my grandmother’s dilapidated porch trying escaping to the cold Chicago winters. 

During my college years I help create a local Hip-Hop magazine, called Pivotal Magazine.  In our first year, we interviewed various local Chicago and national recording artists such as Erykah Badu, KRS-One and DMX.  As the fashion editor, my job was to create a section in the magazine that spoke to the fashion hip hop industry as a whole as well as interviewing local designers.   Writing about my love of the fashion industry made this an exciting period of my life.

After graduating with a Bachelor degree from the International Academy of design and Technology I moved to Los Angeles to pursue a career in the fashion business, but I quickly realized that the corporate world was not for me.  So I transferred my passions to Film and Television, working as a Costume Designer, and Production Assistant.  With four feature films, and two TV pilots under my belt I think it is safe to say using my imagination is much more exciting than crunching numbers.

I’m currently working on another installment of my children’s book series entitled “The Pharaoh’s Cat”.  It’s about Apollo an Ancient Egyptian Cat who’s magically transported to present day Chicago, who along with Tai, his best friend and sidekick and their owner Justine fight strange creatures from Ancient Egypt.

My name is Angelic Chitwood-Porter, an African-American storyteller from Chicago, and I make stuff up. If the films or pilots were produced or even optioned by a serious concern, name it. Otherwise, none of this belongs here.

 

 

The Pharaoh’s Cat

By Angelic Chitwood-Porter

 

Over two thousand years ago, lived a great king. He was Pharaoh of all Upper Egypt. His name was Namer.  Namer was the wisest, most loyal Pharaoh that Egypt had ever seen. Namer had a son named Akil and a wife named Dalia who loved Namer like no other. He also had a cat that was able to provide guidance from the other world, named Apollo.  Apollo was the wisest, most talented keeper and protector of the spirit world.  He was also a spirit advisor to Namer.  Apollo gave advice on keeping the peace between their rival royal families in Lower Egypt. No one knew where Apollo was from, he just showed up on the kingdom’s grounds one day and never left. Namer named him Apollo after a Greek ally of his who helped him defeat the evil King of Lower Egypt.

Apollo’s fur was soft as ancient silk. He has a golden tan color with swirls of grey fur on both sides of his body. His eyes were the deepest sky blue. It was like looking into the soul of the heavens.

 

Apollo wore a golden collar with red and green jewels that contained the Egyptian Guide to Other Worldly Creatures. Apollo used the guide to learn how to keep monsters and bad spirits away from the family and the villagers.   The guide also had a list and pictures of all known monsters and evil spirits.  Apollo would add to the book as he found that there were many spirits and monsters that were not known. Whenever he wanted to use the book he would take his paw and rub it against his collar and a ball of white smoke would appear.  Inside the smoke was the book of other worldly creatures. The book would always land right in front of Apollo’s paws.

Apollo walked the halls of the Royal palace and as he passes the first living quarters, he saw the red and gold great pool filled with beautiful pink lotus flowers.  Apollo smiled to himself because the Lotus flower means rebirth and creation.  He can feel that there will be changes to his home very soon. He is not sure what is happening but he can feel that it’s not going to be good for him or the kingdom.

As he continues his walk through the palace Apollo hears King Namer and Dalia talking in the common room. “What are we going to do, Namer? Lower Egypt’s King and his men are on their way to us as we speak! We do not have enough men to ward them off. We have a child and our kingdom is filled with women and children. Where will they go?” “We will get through this Dalia as we always do,” Namer tells her.

Just then Menses, Namer’s sorcerer, runs into the room. “Namer, I have seen the collapse of our Kingdom at the hands of Aheb of Lower Egypt! We must flee and take as much of our wealth as we can." The King looks at his wife and grabs Menses red and gold robes. “MY KINGDOM WILL NOT BE SACRIFICED! WE WILL FIGHT!!!!” Menses releases himself from the Kings grasp and pleads to Queen Dalia. “My dear, Queen Dalia please change our Pharaoh’s mind before we are all dead.” Menses bows and backs out the common room visibly upset.

King Namer walks over to Dalia and looks deep into her eyes. "What are we to do my love?” Dalia takes his hand in hers and says, “The gods will find a way. We must believe in them. They have never failed us before.” Maybe we should have succumbed to their demands? Aheb wanted to combine our kingdoms into one whole Egypt.”

 

Namer stops pacing and looks into his wife’s eyes and says “you would have me succumb to Aheb? Do you honestly think we would have ruled the people of Egypt together? I thought you were wiser than that my love. He wants to take over our kingdom and rule all by himself.  He wants to enslave millions of our people. You say for what? To make him the most powerful King the world has ever seen. He will kill all of us!!! We will fight!!!”  Dalia sits on a beautiful golden draped sofa and bows her head. “At what cost my love…..at what cost.”

Namer is silent and walks across the room. Apollo is still outside the door distraught and overwhelmed.  He walks slowly into the room and rubs his body against Namer. Namer looks down and smiles sadly and picks up Apollo.  “Apollo my dear old friend, you must look after Akil and the kingdom when we are gone. It will not be long before King Aheb and his army storms our kingdom and tries to take what is mine.” King Namer places Apollo back on the ground. Apollo says “we will find a way my friend….we will find a way.”

 

Apollo leaves the royal quarters and walks to the edge of the kingdom, he leaps up to the highest point and he looks back at the Pharaoh's vast kingdom.  He sees the villagers walking with their children and shopping for produce to feed their families.  Apollo is so upset that within a few hours his life with the family he has grown to love and the kingdom that he is so loyal to may be destroyed. Apollo leaves the edge of the kingdom and returns to Menses quarters.

Apollo finds Menses in the room with beautiful glowing, red, green, and gold crystals surrounding him while chanting something that Apollo has never heard before. “EBOO, EBOO MEEOO MEEOO” the chanting gets louder and louder as Apollo steps all the way into the room. Then he notices the entire family in the room as well, dressed in their royal best; gold long robes with red and gold embroidery going all the way down the robes with gold crowns with red rubies embedded in the crowns. The family is holding hands and the Queen is crying.

Menses suddenly stops chanting when he realizes that Apollo is in the room. Turning, Apollo looks deep into the sorcerer’s eyes and cannot find his friend in there. Menses looks like an old, old man.  His brown eyes are glowing gold as he walks up to Apollo and says, "You must leave my friend, for I am helping our kingdom.  They will never find our royalty as they scour Egypt. I am sending them into a secret past of Egypt where no one will find them. This way they can start a new kingdom and we will be right behind.” Apollo is shocked by this news. “No we will fight their King and his people!!! We will not give up, Menses.” Apollo looked at the family and he realizes that they are in a trance like state. They are all holding hands and looking into the golden pot that is in front of them all. In the pot there is nothing but a swirl of golden and green smoke. The swirl of smoke gets bigger and bigger and envelopes them as the family stare into the bowl.

 

Just then a loud boom filters through the kingdom’s gates.  Hundreds of soldiers dressed in blue and gold armor start climbing the walls.   As they reached the inside  of the kingdom they fight  Namer’s guards and towns people as the soldiers make their way to Namer’s quarters. You could see the Kings villagers trying to ward off Lower Egypt’s soldiers by fighting and throwing whatever they can at them but nothing seems to stop Lower Egypt from taking over King Namer’s kingdom.

“Apollo they are here!! They will be here in mere minutes.  This is the only way!” Apollo jumps on Menses shoulders to stop the ritual, but it is too late, Apollo watches as Menses family disappear into a golden and green lighted smoke. Apollo scratches at Menses face and knocks him down to the floor, Apollo jumps into the golden green smoke after his family.

Apollo and the Royal family are now in the golden green smoke. He is turning round and around like a tornado in the light.  Apollo yells as he is turning to his Royal family but, they do not respond. As the turning starts to slow down he can see his family in the distance. He calls to them and they still do not look at him or respond to him.  Then they are gone!! Apollo is falling, falling fast to the ground. He is not turning anymore and he can see trees and weird square moving objects in all colors. He keeps falling back to earth.

 

Apollo falls into the middle of a busy Chicago street at night, in the rain, sniffing the ground so he could smell something familiar to him but nothing smells familiar.  A huge bus comes barreling down the street. To Apollo it sounds like a huge stone falling from the top of the pyramids.  The bus is blue and white with a picture of circus animals on one side of the bus.  There are tigers, bears and elephants pictured on the truck. Apollo thinks this is strange as he has never seen paintings look so vivid on any of the chariots in Egypt. This must be part of Lower Egypt’s plan to confuse him.  As the bus gets closer to Apollo, his fur starts to look like a huge puff ball as it stands on end. He runs up the nearest tree he could find to avoid getting run over by this weird large, loud monster.

 

Apollo is wet, scared and wants to head back to the palace. All he had on him is his golden collar around his neck. Apollo reaches up and touches his paw over his collar to make himself comfortable on the tree top. He takes a big breathe and shakes all the water off of his beautiful fur.

 

He looked down at the ground and he knows that he cannot get down without help from the royal guards. Where are they? Where are Namer and the rest of the Royal family?  Is this what Lower Egypt looks like? He wants to go home now. He's had enough of this foolishness. “WHERE IS MY FAMILY?!” Tired, scared and worried about his family, Apollo curled up into a ball, before falling asleep in the tree.

Hours later Apollo was awakened by a strange sound. “Mooch…mooch….Mooch….here kitty, kitty kitty.” An old woman was calling to Apollo from the ground below. Apollo stretches out and looks down at the old woman like she’s crazy. Apollo calls down to the old lady thinking that she could understand him.  “Where am I? Is this Lower Egypt? Where is Namer?” But the lady kept saying.  “Mooch, mooch, mooch, here kitty, kitty, and kitty. Please come down. Don’t be scared.”

 Apollo thought that this was a spell from the sorcerer Menses, which is why she seems to be wearing such strange clothing and speaking in such a strange language.

A bright red fire engine drives up to Apollo and the old woman and begins to put a ladder underneath the tree.

 

Worried that this oddly dressed man was one of Aheb's men, Apollo backed up and shouts, “Do not come near me you villain, or I will have your head!!!” The fireman begins to climb the stairs of the ladder. A few moments later, the fireman calls down to the sweet old lady, “Ma'am can you try to soothe the cat down? His meowing is annoying.” Apollo was shocked that the strange man thought he was meowing!!!

Then Apollo realized that this is the other world that Menses had set up for his family to go to. So surely Apollo’s family should be around here. Apollo began to look around the strange place that had trees and strange buildings and people at the bottom of the tree that kept looking up at him and saying things that he did not understand.  As the fireman got closer to Apollo he slowly moved back and the fireman moved closer saying, “Be still cute kitty, you are gorgeous with those blue eyes you have! Wow, I may have to keep you myself.” Apollo backed up too much and fell all the way to the ground with the fireman still on the ladder. Apollo, of course, landed on his feet. The fall stunned him and he did not get a chance to run before a woman with strange yellow clothing with odd writing on the front, picked him up. He yowled and squirmed, doing his best to kick and scratch at this strange person. But it was no use. He was caught. Apollo was placed in a cage with two other cats at a local animal shelter.

Apollo was an outcast. But there was one cat that was more afraid than Apollo was in this new world.

 

 

This ms needs editing, badly. Any work you send to agents should be as clean as possible. Everyone makes errors and typos, but persistent problems with grammar and punctuation can lead to rejections even if the story is good. 

 

In addition to editing the ms, I'd suggest getting a handle on what it is you're pitching. It may be that you just aren't expressing it clearly in the query, but the query is all the agent sees, so it has to demonstrate that you know the market and your ms' place in it. You don't have comps either, btw, which would probably help.



#3 spineofiron

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Posted 22 April 2018 - 10:39 PM

Everything that Springfield said. You're nowhere near the querying stage; I don't even know what it is that you're writing. Who's your audience? Where are you trying to get this published? You say young adult, but young adult is teens, so that's not what this is. I don't know what this is, frankly, but it's not a book.

 

And before that, I definitely agree that your writing needs to be edited. What you showed us is a series of events, but not a plot, and it's not formatted correctly. My advice for you is find the sort of books you want this to be (picture book, beginning reader, children's fiction, etc.) and read at least a hundred of those books. Seriously. You have a lot of research to do before you get anywhere near publishing one on your own.


"I am a fire escape. My spine is made of iron, my heart pumps out old red paint."

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-- -- --

 

NIGHT OF SORROWS

Query

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#4 Dr Anne

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Posted 23 April 2018 - 12:39 AM

I agree with the remarks from others here. You also  need a lot of attention to grammar, having mixed tenses in some sentences, and have way too much description.

Unfortunately, you have chosen a name 'Menses', which in medical terminology means a woman's menstrual cycle, so I think this needs urgent change.



#5 angelicchitwood@gmail.com

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Posted 23 April 2018 - 10:15 AM

Thank you guys so much. As you all can see I am a novice to all of this. I will modify and do more research on my project. Thanks again!! 



#6 angelicchitwood@gmail.com

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Posted 31 May 2018 - 11:28 PM

Here is my revised Query Letter. I am new to this site so I guess I misread the rules. I apologize for that. When someone, anyone has a chance to read my below query and tell me what you think, I would be most grateful. Thansk!!!

 

 

I am currently seeking representation for my book, THE PHARAOH'S CAT , a children’s
adventure story. Given your interest in this genre, I felt that my project might be a good fit for
your list.
 
Over two thousand years ago, Ancient Egypt was the home of legendary Warrior-Kitty, Apollo.
Serving as the loyal protector of the spirit world and as a companion to his royal human family,
Apollo lived the life of a gilded champion. But when a great war breaks out between Upper and
Lower Egypt, Apollo is accidentally transported to modern-day Chicago.
 
It is there that he meets a street-smart calico, Tai, and is taken in by a new human family.
Growing content, Apollo soon realizes the hard truth that he must choose between his new
family, and the one in Ancient Egypt he has sworn to protect. With evil forces lurking through
the city, however, it seems that Apollo must decide where his heart lies sooner than he thinks. As
otherworldly creatures threaten to drag him back to his ancient time for punishment, Apollo and
Tai must figure out how to defeat the darkness and protect the ones they love.
The first book in a planned series, THE PHARAOH’S CAT will delight young readers as they
embark alongside Apollo on his thrilling journey through time.
 
THE PHARAOH’S CAT is complete at 3,887 words, and is available, in full or in part, upon request.
Thank you very much for your time! I look forward to hearing from you.


#7 W.P.

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Posted 01 June 2018 - 02:26 AM

I am currently seeking representation for my book, THE PHARAOH'S CAT , a children’s

adventure story. Given your interest in this genre, I felt that my project might be a good fit for
your list.
 
Over two thousand years ago, Ancient Egypt was the home of legendary Warrior-Kitty,((so cute. I can't take this))) Apollo.
Serving as the loyal protector of the spirit world and as a companion to his royal human family,
Apollo lived the life of a gilded champion ((not sure you need this part. I suggest joining the first and second sentences. Like, "legendary Warrior-Kitty, Apollo--protector of the spirit world and companion to his royal human family."))). But when a great war breaks out between Upper and
Lower Egypt, Apollo is accidentally transported to modern-day Chicago. ((nice))
 
It is there that he meets a street-smart calico, Tai, and is taken in by a new human family.
Growing content, Apollo soon realizes the hard truth that he must choose between his new
family, and the one in Ancient Egypt he has sworn to protect. ((Why? if he's stuck in this era, then he doesn't have to choose. He can just stay with them without remorse. If he has the choice to go back, then you should point that out so you'll be adding more drama)) With evil forces lurking through
the city, however, it seems that ((sentence is stronger without this))Apollo must decide where his heart lies sooner than he thinks. As
otherworldly creatures threaten to drag him back to his ancient time for punishment ((how is this punishment? wouldn't he want to go back home? and who are these evil forces? I feel like we need more clarification on this.))), Apollo and
Tai must figure out how to defeat the darkness and protect the ones they love. ((what are the stakes? what happens if they lose?))
The first book in a planned series, THE PHARAOH’S CAT will delight young readers as they
embark alongside Apollo on his thrilling journey through time.
 
THE PHARAOH’S CAT is complete at 3,887 words, and is available, in full or in part, upon request.
Thank you very much for your time! I look forward to hearing from you.
 
 
 
What a fun cute story! :) I think what I need the most from your query is clarification. I like that it's concise and has conflict and stakes, but some things confuse me--which I pointed out above. 
 
Anyway, I hope this helps. :D
 
If you have time, could you please take a look at my query as well? :)  http://agentquerycon...ren-ya-fantasy/


#8 cmmg

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Posted 01 June 2018 - 08:48 AM

 

Here is my revised Query Letter. I am new to this site so I guess I misread the rules. I apologize for that. When someone, anyone has a chance to read my below query and tell me what you think, I would be most grateful. Thansk!!!

 

 

I am currently seeking representation for my book, THE PHARAOH'S CAT , a children’s adventure story (This isn't a genre in the same way that "YA adventure" isn't a genre. An adeventure can happen in any genre, and saying "children's" is too vague. Is it MG? A PB? Early Reader? Tell the agent). Given your interest in this genre (not a genre), I felt that my project might be a good fit for your list. (the agent knows what she represents, this isn't helping you)
 
Over two thousand years ago, Ancient Egypt was the home of legendary Warrior-Kitty, Apollo. Serving as the loyal protector of the spirit world and as a companion to his royal human family, Apollo lived the life of a gilded champion. But when a great war breaks out between Upper and Lower Egypt, Apollo is accidentally transported to modern-day Chicago. (This is a good hook, i think some wording could be punched up but that's it.)
 
It is there that he meets a street-smart calico, Tai, and is taken in by a new human family (the underlined bit is sort of weak and formal. Also, is Apollo taken in by Tai's family?). Growing content, Apollo soon realizes the hard truth that he must choose between his new family, and the one in Ancient Egypt he has sworn to protect (why and in what way? It's not clear why/how he was transported, I assumed he was trying to get back immediately, since there was a war, not growing content. I think you could flesh this out and add more development). With evil forces lurking through the city, however, it seems that Apollo must decide where his heart lies sooner than he thinks (technically, if it's time travel, he doesn't also, not sure you need this sentence). As otherworldly creatures threaten to drag him back to his ancient time for punishment (why is he being punished?), Apollo and Tai must figure out how to defeat the darkness and protect the ones they love.
 
(This should be a different line) The first book in a planned series, THE PHARAOH’S CAT will delight young readers  (first, be more specific here, "young" could mean a lot of things.)as they embark alongside Apollo on his thrilling journey through time.  (You're basically telling the agent how people will take your book, which isn't  ideal here)THE PHARAOH’S CAT is complete at 3,887 words, and is available, in full or in part, upon request.
Thank you very much for your time! I look forward to hearing from you.

 

 

"Children's adventure story" isn't a selling category. What age category is this? Early Readers (said by the title) are for ages 4-8 and usually about 1,500 words max (Apparently.) so you're over that And chapter books, for slightly older ages, are apparently closer to 5000-15000, so given you're word count I think it's really important to put that information in there because it'll show whether or not you understand the word count for your age category. Having a long early reader book might be fine, whereas having a very short chapter book won't be or the reverse might be true. Furthermore, saying "children's adventure" could lead the agent to think you're querying MG which, this word count is nowhere near. You also don't need the exact count, you should round to 3,900.

 

Furthermore, typically telling an agent you're interested in them because they rep your genre, isn't a selling point or something to include. They know they rep that genre. If you don't have something specific to say (I really enjoyed book X that you represent, you posted on twitter you're looking for this exact thing! I know you love cats, and this is all about cats!) mentioning the genre they rep doesn't help, it just shows you did the bare minimum to be considered, ie, you looked at what genre they represent to see if yours matched.

 

I feel like you start good, but the logic is harder to trace as the query goes on. Why wouldn't Apollo immediately try to go home? Are these evil forces the same as the ones in his time? Why would he be punished? I think a few things need to be clarified.Also, given the length, I feel like your query might extend beyond just Act 1 of your story.


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synopsis


#9 Springfield

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Posted 01 June 2018 - 09:32 AM

 

Here is my revised Query Letter. I am new to this site so I guess I misread the rules. I apologize for that. When someone, anyone has a chance to read my below query and tell me what you think, I would be most grateful. Thansk!!!

 

 

I am currently seeking representation for my book, THE PHARAOH'S CAT , a children’s
adventure story. What actual category is it? Children's isn't a thing, unlike adult. It's too broad. Given your interest in this genre, I felt that my project might be a good fit for
your list.
 
Over two thousand years ago, Ancient Egypt was the home of legendary Warrior-Kitty, Apollo.
Serving as the loyal protector of the spirit world and as a companion to his royal human family,
Apollo lived the life of a gilded champion.That's odd word choice. But when a great war breaks out between Upper and
Lower Egypt, Apollo is accidentally transported to modern-day Chicago. I don;t see the connection.
 
It is there that he meets a street-smart calico, Tai, and is taken in by a new human family.
Growing content, Apollo soon realizes the hard truth that he must choose between his new
family, and the one in Ancient Egypt he has sworn to protect. Why? He was content a second ago, and there's no indication he even could return. With evil forces lurking through
the city, however, it seems that Apollo must decide where his heart lies sooner than he thinks. There's no time -- these things are popping up with no explanation. As
otherworldly creatures threaten to drag him back to his ancient time for punishment, Punishment for what? Drag him back? I thought he was choosing to go? Apollo and
Tai must figure out how to defeat the darkness and protect the ones they love.
The first book in a planned series, Does it stand alone? THE PHARAOH’S CAT will delight young readers as they
embark alongside Apollo on his thrilling journey through time.
 
THE PHARAOH’S CAT is complete at 3,887 words, What IS it? Is it an early reader, in which case you've got trouble, a chapter book, in which case maybe not, a picture book, in which case... etc. and is available, in full or in part, upon request.
Thank you very much for your time! I look forward to hearing from you.

 

 

Category is NOT just about wc -- it's about voice, vocabulary, etc.






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