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Rabbit #76 (adult thriller) Latest version (final?) #55


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#1 Tanja

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Posted 23 April 2018 - 06:29 AM

Latest version at #55

 

It’s been a very long time since I posted a query. Even though I had partial and full requests for a previous project, I shoved everything in a drawer because I fully concentrate on this new project. Any feedback is appreciated. Thank you in advance.

 

Broke but not broken after the collapse of his prosperous stock-market business, Shawn Dylan Curtis’ fresh start in San Diego quickly turns sour when a beguiling woman, introducing herself as Laura Webb, not only manages to raise his heartbeat but stops it in its tracks when she dumps a dead woman on him and disappears.

 

Before Curtis can snatch a breath, he’s the prime suspect in the woman’s murder. Matters get twisty when the deceased woman happens to match Laura’s identity. Lack of evidence setting him free, Laura—or whoever she really is—encounters him and reveals that six years ago he’s been involuntarily used for tests on a vaccine preventing cancer, but because he was suspected dead, like all the others used in the tests, his innocent act of taking out a DNA test to clear a parental dispute, set in motion the avalanche that now every magnate in the science world wants his blood and DNA. One man, however, wants him dead to sweep his dirty games under the rug.

 

Curtis’ life is suddenly on a tiny string after he falls into the hands of a scientist and, unbeknownst to Curtis, inserts a device into his arm that will kill him should he try to remove it. Curtis is dogged to uncover why somebody is so hell-bent in thwarting his blood to reach millions of people, and who the dead woman was, but that’s tricky as the device reveals his location to more than just one enemy. To prevent ending up as a guinea pig—or dead—Curtis has to use his wits to decide who is friend and who is enemy. And there’s Laura’s shadowy game blinding his judgment.

 

Complete at 98,000 words, RABBIT 76 is a standalone adult xxx thriller that could appeal to readers of Patrick Lee’s Signal, with a touch of Jason Bourne and the movie Self/Less.

 

 

NOTE:

Though it is an adult thriller, I’m not sure which sub-genre I should put it under. It’s not really SciFi. Maybe medical thriller??? Of Speculative Thriller??? Not sure. Any suggestions are welcome.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#2 Springfield

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Posted 23 April 2018 - 08:01 AM

It’s been a very long time since I posted a query. Even though I had partial and full requests for a previous project, I shoved everything in a drawer because I fully concentrate on this new project. Any feedback is appreciated. Thank you in advance.

 

Broke but not broken after the collapse of his prosperous stock-market business, I don't know what a stock-market business is. Shawn Dylan Curtis’ fresh start in San Diego quickly turns sour when a beguiling woman, introducing herself as Laura Webb, not only manages to raise his heartbeat but stops it in its tracks when she dumps a dead woman on him and disappears.

 

Before Curtis can snatch a breath, he’s the prime suspect in the woman’s murder.Why?  Matters get twisty when the deceased woman happens to match Laura’s identity. Lack of evidence setting him free, Laura—or whoever she really is—encounters him and reveals that six years ago he’s been involuntarily used for tests on a vaccine preventing cancer, but because he was suspected dead, like all the others used in the tests, his innocent act of taking out a DNA test to clear a parental dispute, set in motion the avalanche that now every magnate in the science world wants his blood and DNA.I have no idea what this sentence is trying to say. One man, however, wants him dead to sweep his dirty games under the rug. Huh?

 

Curtis’ life is suddenly on a tiny string after he falls into the hands of a scientist and, unbeknownst to Curtis, inserts a device into his arm that will kill him should he try to remove it.The errors make this very hard to parse. Curtis is dogged by whom? What is going on? to uncover why somebody is so hell-bent in thwarting his blood to reach millions of people, What? and who the dead woman was, but that’s tricky as the device reveals his location to more than just one enemy. To prevent ending up as a guinea pig—or dead—Curtis has to use his wits to decide who is friend and who is enemy. And there’s Laura’s shadowy game blinding his judgment. I

 

Complete at 98,000 words, RABBIT 76 is a standalone adult xxx thriller I don't know what that means either, but there's no hint to it in the query. Also, the title makes this sound like an Updike thing; I'd change that. that could appeal to readers of Patrick Lee’s Signal, with a touch of Jason Bourne and the movie Self/Less.

 

 

NOTE:

Though it is an adult thriller, I’m not sure which sub-genre I should put it under. It’s not really SciFi. Maybe medical thriller??? Of Speculative Thriller??? Not sure. Any suggestions are welcome.

 

The problems with grammar here are so prevalent I feel like they need to be addressed before anything else. The number of errors in the query suggest the same issues exist in the ms, and you can't send work out in that condition. 

 

In a more general sense, the way the plot is presented in the query brings up questions, as far as I can gather, and you want that clear. 



#3 Tanja

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Posted 24 April 2018 - 12:28 AM

Hi Springfield. I'm very confused by your reply since you write in the end that you don't know what an adult thriller is. The xxx stand for the sub-genre which I don't know what to put. But that is clearly explained in my notes. I'm even more surprised that you don't  know what a stock markets business is.

I also had quite a lot of people going through the query before I posted it and none have found grammatical issues. I admit the sentences are long. Maybe that's what throws you. I don't know.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#4 Springfield

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Posted 24 April 2018 - 12:56 AM

Hi Springfield. I'm very confused by your reply since you write in the end that you don't know what an adult thriller is. The xxx stand for the sub-genre which I don't know what to put. But that is clearly explained in my notes. I'm even more surprised that you don't  know what a stock markets business is.

I also had quite a lot of people going through the query before I posted it and none have found grammatical issues. I admit the sentences are long. Maybe that's what throws you. I don't know.

 

I know what an adult thriller is. I do not know what an adult xxx thriller is. I had no idea xxx was meant to stand for some other, undecided genre -- as far as I could parse it  might be erotica? Is it an erotic thriller? Is it a pornographic thriller? As XXX has a particular meaning, I assumed that's what you meant to type.

 

I have no idea what a stock market business is. A business listed on a market? A brokerage house? A day trader? A business that operates at the site of a market? It's unclear by its nature;  that is not a common term, at all, at least in the U.S.

 

If you had people go through the query and not see errors in grammar, get new people to show your work to, because the people who saw no errors are not people who are able help you. 

 

Long sentences are not the problem. I can write you a page-long sentence that will be grammatically correct. Length has nothing to do with anything. Your query is utterly riddled with errors. There are unclear antecedents, misplaced modifiers, punctuation errors, run ons, what I think are malaprops... and so on.



#5 Oldborne

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Posted 24 April 2018 - 01:53 AM

Cheers for the feedback on Sand and Rust!
 

It’s been a very long time since I posted a query. Even though I had partial and full requests for a previous project, I shoved everything in a drawer because I fully concentrate on this new project. Any feedback is appreciated. Thank you in advance.

 

Broke but not broken after the collapse of his prosperous stock-market business, Shawn Dylan Curtis’ fresh start in San Diego quickly turns sour when a beguiling woman, introducing herself as named Laura Webb, not only manages to raise his heartbeat but stops it in its tracks when she dumps a dead woman on him and disappears. I'm the king of long sentences and even I think this is too long. Just break it into two and you'll be fine. Hook wise it's good, just needs to be quicker.

 

Before Curtis can snatch a breath, he’s the prime suspect in the woman’s murder. Matters get twisty when the deceased woman happens to match Laura’s identity. Lack of evidence setting him free, Laura—or whoever she really is—encounters encoutners makes it sound like they bumped into each other at a Starbucks. Did she not seek him out? him and reveals that six years ago he’s I'm sure this is a typo, but you did defend your grammar in another post. 'he is been' doesn't make sense. You want he'd been involuntarily used for tests on a vaccine preventing cancer, but because he was suspected dead why? By who? like all the others used in the tests, his innocent act of taking out a DNA test to clear a parental dispute Random detail, set in motion the avalanche that now every magnate in the science world wants his blood and DNA. Sentence is far too long and worded in a way that confuses details. It's so, so much vague background delievered in a single, huge sentence. It sounds like damn cool backstory, don't get me wrong, but it needs to be presented in a more manageable way.. One man, however, wants him dead to sweep his dirty games under the rug.  I'd suggest cutting this sentence. It doesn't add much since we already know he's being hunted by a whole gaggle of folks and only serves to raise questions.

 

Curtis’ life is suddenly on a tiny string never heard this expression after he falls into the hands of a scientist and who, unbeknownst to Curtis, inserts a device into his arm that will kill him should he try to remove it So the way this is worded says that Curtis put the device in his own arm. The actions are all attributed to Curtis. You want to replace 'and' with 'who'. Curtis is dogged I get what you're saying here but it sounds awkward. Just say 'determined' or something similar to uncover why somebody is so hell-bent in thwarting his blood to reach millions of people again, I get what you're saying but it's presented very awkwardly, and who the dead woman was, but that’s tricky as the device reveals his location to more than just one enemy Vague. Who are the other enemies? Why does he have other enemies?. To prevent ending up as a guinea pig—or dead—Curtis has to use his wits to decide who is friend and who is enemy. And there’s Laura’s shadowy game blinding his judgment.  Doesn't add anything and just confuse me.

 

Complete at 98,000 words, RABBIT 76 is a standalone adult xxx thriller that could appeal to readers of Patrick Lee’s Signal, with a touch of Jason Bourne and the movie Self/Less.

 

 

NOTE:

Though it is an adult thriller, I’m not sure which sub-genre I should put it under. It’s not really SciFi. Maybe medical thriller??? Of Speculative Thriller??? Not sure. Any suggestions are welcome. I'm not sure what sub-genre I'd put your novel in. Adult Thriller with SF elements maybe? 

Firstly, and entirely related to these forums not publishing, I'd recommend using something beside 'xxx' as a placeholder for your sub-genre. Take a look at your post title and think about how that sounds. Adult XXX Thriller. It sounds like porn. Thankfully I read your note at the bottom of the query before reading the rest so I knew it was a place-holder, but someone who hasn't done that might be confused as they read the query. Change the 'XXX' and put the explaining note at the very start of your post.

You defended your grammar to Springfield, but there ARE issue here. You can either work them out of the query and increase your chances of landing an agent or pretend they aren't there. Your choice. I personally struggle with grammar and spelling, so I use Grammarly (which is awesome) and I use text-to-speech online websites so I can hear my words back. This works surprisingly well because it removes the option for your brain to automatically fill in the meaning and helps you catch things you'd otherwise gloss over. Just a suggestion; you do you.

Query-wise there's a fair bit I think you need to work on. Long sentences, confused meaning, words that sound like they're from a thesaurus, and some details that aren't needed. The plot sounds interesting, though. I like the idea that Curtis holds the cure for a bunch of illnesses in his veins but people won't let it out. Sounds like something that would absolutely happen in reality. I'd suggested trying to make parts of the query less vague, clear up your errors, and trim those sentences.

Best of luck!

 



 


All feedback appreciated: http://agentquerycon...ust-sf-mystery/

 


#6 Tanja

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Posted 24 April 2018 - 02:48 AM

Thank you Oldborne. Great feedback and it gives me something to work with. I thought my sentences are very long, but there is so much to go with the story, so I'll sit down and try to make it clearer. BTW I did run it through Grammarly because I too struggle with grammar, but Grammarly didn't come up with anything. I hope my next version will clear those issues up. And I might use adult thriller with SF elements. Though it will restrict my chance of querying certain agents as some don't represent SF. So they might don't read it only because of that.

 

 

Springfield

I'll get rid of the xxx. I was hoping somebody could come up with a sub-genre. I didn't think at all that somebody could refer to is as erotic;-) Gotta think of the guys here that might get the wrong idea ;-)

 

Thank you all


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#7 Tanja

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Posted 24 April 2018 - 05:27 AM

So obviously the stock-market business is causing some confusion. So I'm reaching out for ideas. Curtis, my MC, has been selling predictions about the stock-market. In other words, he is a tipster. Anyone has an idea what to call the actual business so I don't have to use something lengthy like stock market investing advice business or stock market recommendation business? Any help is appreciated. Thank you


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#8 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 24 April 2018 - 09:24 AM

It’s been a very long time since I posted a query. Even though I had partial and full requests for a previous project, I shoved everything in a drawer because I fully concentrate on this new project. Any feedback is appreciated. Thank you in advance.

 

Broke but not broken after the collapse of his prosperous stock-market business I see you had a comment about this.  I know nothing about the stock market, but you did mention investing above, so maybe you could just call him an "investor" to not cause confusion?, Shawn Dylan Curtis’ fresh start in San Diego quickly turns sour when a beguiling woman, introducing herself as Laura Webb, not only manages to raise his heartbeat but stops it in its tracks when she dumps a dead woman on him and disappears. Yes, this sentence is far, far too long, and by the end of it, I was going huh? Try splitting this into two or three sentences.

 

Before Curtis can snatch a breath this doesn't seem right.  Catch a breath? Catch a break? he’s the prime suspect in the woman’s murder.  Matters get twisty ​I'd prefer the word "twisted" here, twisty makes me think of something whimsical, or that clown from AHS, when the deceased woman happens to match Laura’s identity. Lack of evidence setting him free, Laura—or whoever she really is—encounters him and reveals that six years ago he’s he had been involuntarily used for tests on a vaccine preventing cancer, The sentence should end here. but because he was suspected dead when was he suspected dead?, like all the others used in the tests just because this sentence is so long, you could omit this.  It seems irrlevant to the query (not saying it is in the story), his innocent act of taking out a DNA test to clear a parental dispute, set in motion the avalanche that now every magnate This doesn't read quite right to me.  I think it's the word "now" that's throwing me in the science world wants his blood and DNA. This. Sentence. Is. So. Long. Again, I was totally confused by the end of it, which is a shame, because this is also the coolest part of the query. One man, however, wants him dead to sweep his dirty games under the rug. This just feels tacked on after the previous revelation.

 

Curtis’ life is suddenly on a tiny string??? after he falls into the hands of a scientist and who, unbeknownst to Curtis, inserts a device into his arm After reading this whole query, this device thing causes confusion. Revealing his location to the enemies? Why? How? that will kill him should he try to remove it.  Another long sentence that confuses me. Curtis is dogged this seems like an odd word choice to uncover why somebody is so hell-bent in on? thwarting his blood to reach millions of people, end the sentence here and who the dead woman was, but that’s tricky as the device reveals his location to more than just one enemy. Another long sentence.  After the "thwarting his blood" part, the stuff about the dead woman falls flat when it's tacked onto the same sentence To prevent ending up as a guinea pig—or dead—Curtis has to use his wits to decide who is friend and who is enemy. And there’s Laura’s shadowy game blinding his judgment. Again, sentence before this, super intense, and then this falls flat.

 

Complete at 98,000 words, RABBIT 76 is a standalone adult xxx thriller that could appeal to readers of Patrick Lee’s Signal, with a touch of Jason Bourne and the movie Self/Less.

 

 

NOTE:

Though it is an adult thriller, I’m not sure which sub-genre I should put it under. It’s not really SciFi. Maybe medical thriller??? Of Speculative Thriller??? Not sure. Any suggestions are welcome. What are the genres of the comp title's you have? Could those genres work? 



#9 Springfield

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Posted 24 April 2018 - 09:27 AM

So obviously the stock-market business is causing some confusion. So I'm reaching out for ideas. Curtis, my MC, has been selling predictions about the stock-market. In other words, he is a tipster. Anyone has an idea what to call the actual business so I don't have to use something lengthy like stock market investing advice business or stock market recommendation business? Any help is appreciated. Thank you

 

It doesn't seem to have anything to do with anything in the query, so why bother including it at all?



#10 Tanja

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Posted 24 April 2018 - 09:46 AM

Hi Springfield

it kind of is important within the story because his business went down for a reason. Though within the query I don't concentrate on that because it doesn't really surface until much later in the story. However, the important part is that he's known to the cops and judges and many people because he's pretty much named the con on the year. And this is part of the beginning of the story. That's why the cops doubt his credibility when he tells them that he'd met Laura Webb and that she asked for his help. But when the cops check the identity of the dead woman and the result comes back as Laura Webb, he is in trouble because the woman he knows as Laura Webb disappeared. However, the readings of the dead woman were tampered with. But he doesn't know that until a little later in the story.

 

I also use his background in the query to introduce Curtis. If you have a better option, please yes, any advice is appreciated.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#11 Tanja

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Posted 24 April 2018 - 09:51 AM

Thank you Disgruntled Writer for your feedback. Collecting your feedback and the others, I'm tempted to post my very first version, which I wrote before I started to pack everything into long sentences only to shorten the query. But I think I've done more harm than good and caused a lot more confusion. I'll work on that first version a bit more and I think it'll clarify a lot of issues.

Thank you for your help


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#12 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 24 April 2018 - 09:58 AM

Thank you Disgruntled Writer for your feedback. Collecting your feedback and the others, I'm tempted to post my very first version, which I wrote before I started to pack everything into long sentences only to shorten the query. But I think I've done more harm than good and caused a lot more confusion. I'll work on that first version a bit more and I think it'll clarify a lot of issues.

Thank you for your help

 

You're welcome :) Regarding the stock market/ con-man thing, I didn't get a sense in the query at all that was what he was like.  Also, the stuff you clarified with the cops clears up some questions I had as to why he's the prime suspect.  It might be a good idea if you can fit those details in the first paragraph.



#13 Tanja

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Posted 24 April 2018 - 10:13 AM

I'll certainly work on that. My very first draft has a lot of details, but like I said it's way too long for a query and that's why I didn't post it. But I consider to work more on that first draft and will post it hopefully today or tomorrow. Thank you for  your help


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#14 Tanja

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Posted 25 April 2018 - 01:58 AM

Taking all the feedback into consideration, I sat down and worked on my very first draft (not posted here). I hope this version answers all the questions raised, however, I'm sure we all agree it's way too long. And that's what my problem is with this version. So if anyone can point out what's not needed, without  losing too much of the voice in the query, that would be great.

Thank you in advance.

 

Broke but not broken after the collapse of his high-profile investment business, Shawn Dylan Curtis hides out at a friend’s condo in San Diego. Branded by the media as ‘con of the year’, fewer people knew him here, fewer people wanted to see his head roll.

 

Only three days in, he gets the desperate-for-help call from the beguiling Laura Webb. She not only managed to raise his heartbeat more than any other woman had in months, she stops it in its tracks when she dumps a dead woman on him and disappears. With no other suspect at hand, and the cops embracing it as the chance to ruffle up his feathers, Curtis is the prime suspect in the murder of the woman in the condo. Worse, her DNA matches Laura Webb’s.

 

The inconsistency of Laura’s identity setting him free, Laura—or whoever she really is—encounters him and reveals that six years ago, he’d been involuntarily used for tests on a vaccine preventing cancer. Presumed dead due to a computer glitch, Curtis’ innocent act of taking out a DNA test a few weeks ago triggered an alarm at an underground lab. Since he is the only survivor of the tests, every magnate in the science world wants his blood and DNA.

 

When Curtis falls into the hands of a scientist who, unbeknownst to Curtis, inserts a device into his arm, Curtis is one step closer to death; the device not only tracks his location. It’ll kill him if he tries to remove it and wipe his existence from any government system. To avoid being used as a guinea pig, or even dead, Curtis needs Laura’s help to unravel why somebody is so hell-bent on preventing his blood to reach millions of people. But Curtis isn’t sure if she’s not his worst enemy.

 

Complete at 98,000 words, RABBIT 76 is a standalone adult speculative thriller that could appeal to readers of Patrick Lee’s Signal.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#15 Springfield

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Posted 25 April 2018 - 03:03 AM

Taking all the feedback into consideration, I sat down and worked on my very first draft (not posted here). I hope this version answers all the questions raised, however, I'm sure we all agree it's way too long. And that's what my problem is with this version. So if anyone can point out what's not needed, without  losing too much of the voice in the query, that would be great.

Thank you in advance.

 

Broke but not broken after the collapse of his high-profile investment business, Shawn Dylan Curtis hides out at a friend’s condo in San Diego. Branded by the media as ‘con of the year’,fewer people knew him here, fewer people wanted to see his head roll.

 

Only three days in, he gets the desperate-for-help call from the beguiling Laura Webb. She not only managed to raise his heartbeat more than any other woman had in months, she stops it in its tracks when she dumps a dead woman on him and disappears. With no other suspect at hand, and the cops embracing it as the chance to ruffle up his feathers, Curtis is the prime suspect in the murder of the woman in the condo. Worse, her DNA matches Laura Webb’s.

 

The inconsistency of Laura’s identity setting him free, Laura—or whoever she really is—encounters him and reveals that six years ago, he’d been involuntarily used for tests on a vaccine preventing cancer. Presumed dead due to a computer glitch, Curtis’ innocent act of taking out a DNA test a few weeks ago triggered an alarm at an underground lab. Since he is the only survivor of the tests, every magnate in the science world wants his blood and DNA.

 

When Curtis falls into the hands of a scientist who, unbeknownst to Curtis, inserts a device into his arm, Curtis is one step closer to death; the device not only tracks his location. It’ll kill him if he tries to remove it and wipe his existence from any government system. To avoid being used as a guinea pig, or even dead, Curtis needs Laura’s help to unravel why somebody is so hell-bent on preventing his blood to reach millions of people. But Curtis isn’t sure if she’s not his worst enemy.

 

Complete at 98,000 words, RABBIT 76 is a standalone adult speculative thriller that could appeal to readers of Patrick Lee’s Signal.

 

This reads like two entirely different books; the first part of the query doesn't seem to have anything to do with the second part. The opening half reads like convenient backstory. The query seems to start in the middle, though stuff there doesn't make sense, like why "every magnate in the science world," would be after someone who participated in a vaccine test, or what his DNA would have to do with things, or what a DNA test would have to do with anything, unless it's just an identifier. 

 

This query has a bunch of errors as well; in the first two sentences alone you switch tenses, have a misplaced modifier, and an oddly ungrounded reference (twice). I also can't believe the title won't  throw agents.



#16 punitrastogi

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Posted 25 April 2018 - 03:42 AM

Alright, I personally like this better than the original post.

However, I do agree with Springfield that this does seem like two different books/stories merged together.

 

Any how, here are my two cents:

Taking all the feedback into consideration, I sat down and worked on my very first draft (not posted here). I hope this version answers all the questions raised, however, I'm sure we all agree it's way too long. And that's what my problem is with this version. So if anyone can point out what's not needed, without  losing too much of the voice in the query, that would be great.

Thank you in advance.

 

Broke but not broken after the collapse of his high-profile investment (even if you want to include that the failure of his business is critical to the story, the kind of business is not really important in the query) business, Shawn Dylan Curtis hides (why is he hiding? from investors or media or someone else?) out at a friend’s condo in San Diego. Branded by the media as ‘con of the year’, fewer people knew him here, fewer people wanted to see his head roll. (Till here, the story looks focused on the business going wrong. If by "head roll" you mean the investors or clients, this is good, but if it is about the people after his life as per the rest of the query, you need to explain that a bit more.)

 

Only three days in, he gets the desperate-for-help call from the beguiling (thank you for this word) Laura Webb. She not only managed to raise his heartbeat more than any other woman had in months, she stops it in its tracks when she dumps a dead woman on him and disappears. With no other suspect at hand (not sure if this is the right phrase here), and the cops embrace ing it as the chance the opportunity to ruffle up his feathers, and Curtis becomes is the prime suspect in the murder of the woman in the condo. Worse, her DNA matches Laura Webb’s.

 

The inconsistency of Laura’s identity setting him free, (This entire piece reads funny. In the first para, he is a murder suspect. In the next, he is a victim of a larger conspiracy. If your plot is more about the conspiracy, simply remove the murder suspect angle from the query since he anyway escapes from the cops because of technicalities) Laura—or whoever she really is—encounters him and reveals that six years ago, he’d been involuntarily used as a subject for tests experiments of on a vaccine preventing for cancer (any specific type of cancer?). Presumed dead due to a computer glitch, Curtis’ innocent act of taking out a DNA test a few weeks ago triggered an alarm at an underground lab. Since he is the only survivor of the tests experiments (too much use of the word "test"), every magnate in the science world wants his blood and DNA. (This should be a good thing right? being the only success story of a vaccine)

 

When Curtis falls into the hands of a scientist who (how? and why did he get to the scientist?), unbeknownst to Curtis (why doesnt he know what people are doing to him? :D JK), inserts a device into his arm, Curtis is one step closer to death; the device not only tracks his location. It’ll kill him if he tries to remove it and wipe his existence from any government system. (rephrase and shrink the underlined part) To avoid being used as a guinea pig, or even dead, Curtis needs Laura’s help to unravel why somebody is so hell-bent on preventing his blood to reach millions of people (another new angle that was not mentioned before. I thought the science magnates wanted him for his blood and his success from the experiments). But Curtis isn’t sure if she’s not his worst enemy.(rephrase)

 

Complete at 98,000 words, RABBIT 76 is a standalone adult speculative thriller that could appeal to readers of Patrick Lee’s Signal.

 Please do have a look at my query when you have the opportunity.



#17 Tanja

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Posted 25 April 2018 - 04:14 AM

Thank you for your feedback punistratogi and Springfield

As I mentioned, it's a very detailed query because so many questions were raised about the dead woman. And it's the beginning of the story. I have to put that in as I can't just start the query at the point where he finds out that he was used for underground tests because that's later in the story. I knew when I wrote the book and the query, that it won't be easy to bring across how the dead woman connects and that her identity was 'scrambled' and that her identity matches Laura's even though she's not Laura.

As for his company collapsing. This also is part of the story. It didn't come down by accident, however, I certainly could shorten that part.

 

So what I'm doing is fishing for options which way to take this query best, as the core of the story is that he was used for tests without him knowing, and that everyone wants his blood and DNA. But like I mentioned, the story starts with Laura dumping a dead woman on him. Complicated enough? I bet it is. Now imagine how hard it is to get this query straight ;-) But I also know it won't happen overnight.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#18 Tanja

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Posted 25 April 2018 - 09:54 PM

Okay, taking again the feedback into consideration, I drafted a new query. This time I left out the device and concentrated more on the plot details and I hope now the dead woman at the beginning of the query fits in better and I hope the entire picture is coming together. I'm sure there are grammar issues. Please point them out so I can correct them. Thank you. Any constructive feedback is welcome. I'll return the favor.

 

Broke but not broken after the collapse of his high-profile investment business, Shawn Dylan Curtis’ fresh start in San Diego turns sour when the beguiling Laura Webb not only manages to raise his heartbeat. She stops it in its tracks when she dumps a dead woman on him and disappears.

 

Curtis isn’t overly surprised when the cops see him as the prime suspect in the woman’s murder; a few months back he was charged with fraud. But what raises questions is when the woman’s identity matches Laura Webb’s.

 

Laura—or whoever she really is—encounters him and divulges that since the ban on animal testing, a government-linked operation conducted experiments on humans to develop a vaccine preventing cancer. Six years ago, he was one of many involuntarily used for those tests and due to a computer glitch, he was suspected dead. But since he’s taken out a DNA test, and it surfaced that he’s the only survivor, every magnate in the science world wants his blood and DNA. Before Curtis can think of helping millions of people, his blood becomes his worst enemy.

 

When he survives a sniper attack and a bunch of crooks are after him, Curtis digs deeper into why somebody wants him dead. Entangled in the corrupt world of scientists and government hushing their practice of using humans as guinea pigs, Curtis discovers that the identities of other recently deceased people don’t match the ones in the system and that some people who mysteriously disappeared may still be alive. Curtis is hell-bent in unearthing the truth, but that’s tricky when one man has the power to stop him in his tracks and chop him to pieces for the benefit of the science world—and to bury Curtis’ real identity.

 

Complete at 98,000 words, RABBIT 76 is a standalone adult thriller with a touch of SF that could appeal to readers of Patrick Lee’s Signal.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#19 Dasein

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Posted 26 April 2018 - 12:28 AM

Grammatically, this should be one sentence:

"Broke but not broken after the collapse of his high-profile investment business, Shawn Dylan Curtis’ fresh start in San Diego turns sour when the beguiling Laura Webb not only manages to raise his heartbeat. She stops it in its tracks when she dumps a dead woman on him and disappears."

Here's my edit of the second to last paragraph. You should get a replacement for the phrase "the science world." It sounds awkward.


Next Curtis discovers that the identities of other recently deceased people don’t match the ones in the system and that some people who mysteriously disappeared may still be alive. Curtis is hell-bent in unearthing the truth, but that’s tricky when one man has the power to stop him in his tracks and chop him to pieces for the benefit of his corporation.

It's better using fewer words.

#20 Tanja

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Posted 26 April 2018 - 12:38 AM

Hi

Thank you for your feedback. I might use an em-dash in the first para so I don't have one looong sentence again since this was the downfall of my first version. And thanks for editing the last para. I struggled with that part and I know it sounds wordy, but I couldn't find a better way. I'll work with your version and try to get that part better. Thank you again.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey





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