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NIGHTSWORN - Adult Contemporary Fantasy (653 words)


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#1 galian84

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Posted 23 April 2018 - 09:05 PM

Hi all,

 

So now that I'm kinda, sorta getting there with my query, I figured I'd take a few days away from it and focus on the all-important synopsis. I know it's not perfect! But I tried to keep it as concise as I could and hopefully there aren't too many gaps in the story. 

 

Of course I will return the favor and critique back to the best of my ability, and as soon as I can!

 

Thanks in advance :)

 

 

 

After fleeing his world, assassin, and now fugitive DUSK finds himself in Tallahassee, Florida, smack into the middle of an unfolding crime scene: A man assaulting, and then murdering a young woman. The man and his friend discover Dusk, and a fight ensues, resulting in Dusk killing the two men in self-defense. 

 

Pre-med student and cross-country runner BRIELLA is on her daily run when she finds the three dead bodies. She meets Dusk days later, when he drags her into the woods, convinced someone’s sent her after him. He lets her go after she pleads her innocence.

 

Their meetings become more frequent, and in time, her fascination with him grows, and the two grow close. He just wants to charm and pursue her until she’s willing to help him evade the authorities, so he can return back home in one piece. 

 

During a visit back to his homeworld, Dusk discovers that someone was sent to capture, or destroy him. Hours later, Briella is attacked outside her apartment by ZEYVN, a bounty hunter and archer, who demands to know where Dusk is hiding. He also makes it clear that he doesn’t appreciate her aiding and abetting his mark, and will happily take both her and Dusk back to his Lord for an extra reward.  

 

Local police soon show up at Briella’s doorstep, but she fervently denies any knowledge of Dusk. Dusk’s pedigree and his true motivations for needing her help are revealed, piece by piece, by Zeyvn, and Dusk himself. Part elf and part demon, Dusk came from another world, and is on the lam for killing a Royal Duchess under contract.

 

Briella seeks solace with her friends and her longtime crush, JEREMY, overjoyed when he finally asks her out on a date. The date doesn’t go as planned, and she ultimately rejects him.

 

Despite his original intention, Dusk grows fond of Briella, and desires her. She echoes his sentiments, culminating in a passionate kiss in the heart of the woods. The moment is short-lived, their embrace interrupted by a hailstorm of arrows. Briella follows Dusk when he gives chase to Zeyvn, only to find that they’re not alone. Jeremy had followed her, flanked by a group of local cops, who sedate Dusk and arrest him and

Briella. Zeyvn escapes, Dusk is taken to a laboratory for study, and Briella is thrown into the local jail.

 

Dusk becomes a lab experiment, spending his time plotting his escape. One night, when the head scientist and his coworker come in for work, Dusk uses a moment of distraction to break out. He runs into Zeyvn outside, and after a chase, eludes him.

 

During yard time, Briella runs into Dusk, disguised as a prison guard. He breaks her out that evening, and the two barely escape authorities on their trail. Zeyvn lures them to his location, where a bloody fight ensues, ending in Zeyvn’s death. Dusk helps Briella return home, and after a bittersweet goodbye, he returns to his homeworld, handing her a jeweled broach to remember him by.

 

Briella graduates, and begins medical school one year later. While looking through old belongings one day, she finds the broach. She picks it up, her fingers pushing the set jewel, and blacks out on her apartment’s floor.

 

When she awakes, she’s in Dusk’s homeworld. She finds him with the help of a local elf girl, and finally gets the closure she needs after Dusk’s abrupt departure from her town. Since he cannot return with her to her world, and she can’t stay in his, they mutually agree to go their separate ways. Briella returns to Florida, content to keep Dusk as a fond memory, and she looks forward to moving on and starting over with her life.  



#2 BrookeJS

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Posted 23 April 2018 - 10:38 PM

Hi Galian!

 

So, I'm not sure I'm any good on critiquing a synopsis because in my opinion it's a lot more difficult than a query. You seem to be pointing out the major elements of your story which is good, you provide the beginning middle and end. My only issue is some of your events really don't seem connected. 

 

First point: Dusk seems like he is your main character. You write this synopsis almost entirely from his point of view (which is the exact opposite of your query). It's like I'm looking at two different stories. So, is he your MC or is Briella? Honestly, from this synopsis, aside from being a side piece for Dusk, I have no idea why she is involved. 

 

The cop and him experimenting on Dusk kinda comes out of left field. Why? When and how did he learn that Dusk was some other worldly creature? 

 

Overall this story reads like it's just a regular day with a little murder and running away tossed in with no serious stakes. I don't understand the purpose of the other world, why Briella goes there (even if it's just for closure), what's the point of Dusk being a half-demon? Why did he kill the Duchess? If these questions aren't answered here in your synopsis I worry that a agent would think they're not answered in your manuscript. 

 

It really seems like a fun and intriguing story but I worry you have too many disconnected threads for it to make much sense. What are your themes? Etc. I should be getting a feeling for that in the synopsis. I can tell you're a great writer but I do feel this is lacking in a few areas. As, usual, I'm right there with you lol. Isn't this whole process just oh so fun? Keep working and good luck!


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#3 galian84

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Posted 24 April 2018 - 08:52 AM

Hi Galian!

 

So, I'm not sure I'm any good on critiquing a synopsis because in my opinion it's a lot more difficult than a query. You seem to be pointing out the major elements of your story which is good, you provide the beginning middle and end. My only issue is some of your events really don't seem connected. 

 

First point: Dusk seems like he is your main character. You write this synopsis almost entirely from his point of view (which is the exact opposite of your query). It's like I'm looking at two different stories. So, is he your MC or is Briella? Honestly, from this synopsis, aside from being a side piece for Dusk, I have no idea why she is involved. 

 

The cop and him experimenting on Dusk kinda comes out of left field. Why? When and how did he learn that Dusk was some other worldly creature? 

 

Overall this story reads like it's just a regular day with a little murder and running away tossed in with no serious stakes. I don't understand the purpose of the other world, why Briella goes there (even if it's just for closure), what's the point of Dusk being a half-demon? Why did he kill the Duchess? If these questions aren't answered here in your synopsis I worry that a agent would think they're not answered in your manuscript. 

 

It really seems like a fun and intriguing story but I worry you have too many disconnected threads for it to make much sense. What are your themes? Etc. I should be getting a feeling for that in the synopsis. I can tell you're a great writer but I do feel this is lacking in a few areas. As, usual, I'm right there with you lol. Isn't this whole process just oh so fun? Keep working and good luck!

Thanks for pointing those out! After reading through your comments and the synopsis again, they make a lot of sense. Yeah, I definitely have to do a rewrite and streamline it a little better. I think I was trying to do it in a way that incorporated everything and it turned out to be all over the place. And yes, synopses and queries are barrels of fun, lol :tongue:  

 

I'll be taking a look at your synopsis later today :)






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