Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

KRENUO’S CHILDREN (YA Fantasy)

Fantasy Young Adult

  • Please log in to reply
43 replies to this topic

#21 W.P.

W.P.

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 63 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationEurope

Posted 04 May 2018 - 04:23 PM

(((Old version))))

When Sam Croft arrives at a meadow under a magenta sky and is welcomed there by his late grandmother, he is bewildered to say the least. She tells him he's in Heaven and denial hits him hard. When his parents arrive moments later, they, just like Sam, struggle to accept their death, especially when they have no memory of it. Here, all negative memories are locked away. But just as Sam is adjusting to his new home, memories begin to return. Memories of his sister, Cara, whose existence had been wiped from their minds. Worried about what might've happened to Cara, Sam searches Heaven for her. When he reaches a cliff, he thinks it's a dead end, but God appears and coaxes him into jumping off the cliff to find Cara. Gullible and kind, Sam jumps.

He falls in a place where the air burns and beasts roam, where suffering is never-ending. He falls in Hell. Here, all Sam's memories return. Now, he knows what had him and his parents killed: Cara.

Sam wishes to return to Heaven and forget all about Cara, but he's stuck in Hell. And he soon learns why. Once he discovers Cara’s plans, he realizes God wanted him to stop her. If he doesn't, she could be starting a war between dimensions, a war that Heaven is bound to lose. To protect his home and his family in Heaven, he'll do anything to stop Cara. But violence and hatred begin to corrupt him, slowly turning him into someone who belongs in Hell. Sam can't succumb to the darkness within him or he'll be locked out of Heaven forever.



#22 DinaK

DinaK

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 8 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:None

Posted 06 May 2018 - 10:41 AM

(Most recent version)

 

When Sam Croft arrives at a meadow under a magenta sky and is welcomed there by his late grandmother, he is bewildered to say the least. She tells him he's in Heaven and denial hits him hard. When his parents arrive moments later, they, just like Sam, struggle to accept their death, especially when they have no memory of it (this and the next sentence are redundant and this adds little)Here In Heaven, all negative memories are locked away. But just as Sam is adjusting to his new home, memories he shouldn't have begin to return. Memories of his sister, Cara, whose existence was had been erased from their minds. Worried about what might've happened to Cara, Sam searches Heaven for her. When he reaches a cliff, he thinks it's a dead end, but God appears and to (Every time I read this I think that God appears for the purpose of coaxing and I have to reread it to recognize that God appears AND coaxes) coaxes him into jumping off the cliff to find Cara. Gullible and kind, Sam jumps.  

  

He falls in a place where the air burns and beasts roam, where suffering is never-ending. He falls in Hell. Here, all Sam's memories return. Now, he knows what had him and his parents killed: Cara.  

  

Sam wishes to return to Heaven and forget all about Cara, but he's stuck in Hell. And he soon learns why. Once he discovers Cara’s plans, he realizes God wanted him to stop her. If he doesn't, she could be starting a war between dimensions, a war that Heaven is bound to lose. To protect his home and his family in Heaven, he'll do anything to stop Cara. But violence and hatred begin to corrupt him, slowly turning him into someone who belongs in Hell. Sam can't succumb to the darkness within him or he'll be locked out of Heaven forever.  

 

 

 

Struggling to keep the query engaging from start to finish. Does the beginning hook? Does the end pique your interest?

 

This query is light-years better than your original and I suspect you've learned much in the process. I feel that your query will do it's part. At a minimum, it should induce an agent to read your first page(s). Now the difficult part. As an assignment for your own benefit (no need to respond), review all of the comments and recommendations, and then reread your story. Remember, when you send an agent a sample of your book (usually the first few chapters), you only have one shot at making a good first impression and don't expect any feedback or constructive criticism from an agent. 



#23 W.P.

W.P.

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 63 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationEurope

Posted 07 May 2018 - 02:02 AM

Thanks so much, DinaK! Your feedback has been invaluable. :D And, indeed, I have learned quite a lot. Something tells me this whole process will make writing my next query a bit easier, simply because now I know how hard it truly is.

#24 smithgirl

smithgirl

    smithgirl

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 673 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, published, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 07 May 2018 - 12:16 PM

When Sam Croft arrives at a meadow under a magenta sky and is welcomed there by his late grandmother, he is bewildered to say the least. She tells him he's in Heaven and denial hits him hard. When his parents arrive moments later, they also just like Sam, struggle to accept their deaths, especially when they have no memory of it. In Heaven Here, all negative memories are locked away. But just as Sam is adjusting to his new home, memories begin to return: like of . Memories of his sister, Cara, whose existence had been wiped from their minds. Worried about what might've happened to Cara, Sam searches Heaven for her. When he reaches a cliff, he thinks it's a dead end, but God appears and coaxes him into jumping off the cliff to find Cara. Gullible and kind, Sam jumps.

He falls in
to a place where the air burns and evil beasts roam, Beasts roaming has an idyllic sound that is in contrast to the misery part -- makes me think of buffalos roaming. Maybe indicate these are evil beasts? Hideous deformed beasts? where suffering is never-ending. He falls into Hell. Here, all Sam's memories return and now he knows recalls how he and his parents died: what happened had to him and his parents killed: Cara had them killed.

Sam wishes to return to Heaven and forget all about Cara. But for some reason he's stuck in Hell. He learns why when And he soon learns why. Once he discovers Cara’s plans. Then he realizes God wants ed him to stop her. He is the only one who can, and If he doesn't she could be starting a war between dimensions, a war that Heaven is bound to lose. To protect and return to his home and his family in Heaven, he needs 'll do anything to stop Cara. But the longer he fights her, the more violence and hatred begin to corrupt him, slowly turning him into someone who belongs in Hell after all. Sam can't succumb to the darkness within him or he'll be locked out of Heaven forever.

 

​I think this version is an improvement, but I think you can still do better. I made some recommendations that I hope are helpful. Can you please look at my query again when you get a chance? Thanks! http://agentquerycon...-post-31/page-2 



#25 JasperHines

JasperHines

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 6 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 07 May 2018 - 01:55 PM

(Most recent version)




When Sam Croft arrives at a meadow under a magenta sky and is welcomed there by his late grandmother, he is bewildered to say the least. She tells him he's in Heaven and denial hits him hard. When his parents arrive moments later, they, just like Sam, struggle to accept their death, especially when they have no memory of it. Here, all negative memories are locked away. But just as Sam is adjusting maybe "starts adjusting" to his new home, memories begin to return. Memories of his sister, Cara, whose existence had been wiped from their minds. Worried about what might've happened to Cara, Sam searches Heaven for her. When he reaches a cliff, he thinks it's a dead end, but God appears and coaxes him into jumping off the cliff to find Cara. Gullible and kind, Sam jumps. This last sentence alludes to God being evil, especially when you call Sam gullible. Is that the effect you're going for. If so then fine, if not you may want to reconsider. 

He falls in a place where the air burns and beasts roam, where suffering is never-ending. He falls in Hell. Here, all Sam's memories return. Now, he knows what maybe "who" had him and his parents killed: Cara.

Sam wishes to return to Heaven and forget all about Cara, but he's stuck in Hell. And he soon learns why. Once he discovers Cara’s plans, specify the plans here not later he realizes God wanted him to stop her. If he doesn't, she could be starting maybe "responsible for" or "the cause of" a war between dimensions, a war that Heaven is bound to lose. To protect his home and his family in Heaven, he'll do anything to stop Cara. But violence and hatred begin to corrupt him, slowly turning him into someone who belongs in Hell. Sam can't succumb to the darkness within him or he'll be locked out of Heaven forever.



Generally I like the query and the premise. The main issue I had was in the last paragraph. Maybe find a way to better specify how Cara is evil or what she's planning to do to start this war and what Sam needs to do to stop her. It just got a little vague and I felt I couldn't relate to the true urgency of the situation as I didn't really know what to feel urgent about, especially in regards to Cara's role in the narrative. I feel like you're almost there though :)

 

 

 

 



#26 Bkrasnik

Bkrasnik

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 56 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Midwest
  • Publishing Experience:My short stories have been published in Red Shoes Review, Calliope, and the Zodiac Review. I have also published a writing article in Black Fox literary magazine.

Posted 07 May 2018 - 04:20 PM

(most recent version)

 

When sixteen-year-old Sam Croft arrives at a meadow under a magenta sky, and is welcomed there by his late grandmother, he is bewildered to say the least. She tells him he's in heaven, but denial hits him hard, especially when his parents arrive moments after him. Sam and his parents struggle to accept their deaths, especially when they have no memory of it. In heaven, negative memories are removed from the inhabitants' minds. But just as Sam is adjusting to his new home, memories he shouldn't remember return to him. Memories of his sister, Cara, whose existence had been wiped from all of their minds. Worried about what might've happened to her, Sam searches heaven for her, and when he reaches a cliff, he thinks it a dead end. But the god of heaven appears to coax Sam into jumping off the cliff to find Cara. Gullible and kind, Sam jumps … 

(This reads more like a synopsis than a query. You need to focus on adjusting your writing style.  Your first few sentences are providing interesting background information, but that does not qualify as a hook. A hook needs to be a bold statement that tells us something vital about the character or the plot that makes us feel something. This paragraph is also wordy.) 

 

And falls straight into hell. Here, all his memories return, including that of his death. Cara was the one who had him and his family murdered. 
 
In hell, Sam learns of his sister’s plans and realizes that the god didn't want Sam to save her but to stop her (too wordy). If he doesn't, she could be starting a war between dimensions, a war that heaven is bound to lose. To protect his home and his family in heaven, he'll do anything to stop Cara. Even if it corrupts him, even if he becomes someone who belongs in hell (too wordy, using "even if" twice does not work here). But if Sam succumbs to the darkness within him, he will be locked out of heaven forever (Interesting, I like this last sentence).  (This is the only paragraph that is written in the correct format.)

 

 

 

Really struggling with the beginning. Any feedback is much appreciated. Thanks for reading!

Hi W.P.,

 

First off, thank you for providing feedback on my query. It was very useful. 

 

For your query:

I think my biggest concern is that your sentences are reading like a synopsis. A query needs to have a certain sentence style and flow, which I do not see here. This can be easily fixed, by reading a bunch of queries. Also try to focus on simplifying your sentences. You sometimes get very wordy. Otherwise, I like your story. Good luck!


Have a moment to offer up some very much appreciated feedback? :)

My Young Adult Dystopian Query: http://agentquerycon...ate-on-post-15/


#27 W.P.

W.P.

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 63 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationEurope

Posted 08 May 2018 - 08:18 AM

((old version))


When 16-year-old Sam Croft arrives at an unfamiliar meadow, two questions take hold of him: Why is the sky magenta and why is his late grandmother here?



She tells him he’s in Heaven, but he can’t remember dying. Neither can his parents, who arrive moments after him. Their deaths being so close apart makes Sam suspicious, but in Heaven all negative memories are erased, so he has no way of discovering what happened. But soon memories he shouldn’t have begin to return. Memories of his sister, Cara, whose existence had been wiped from their minds. Sam searches for her but is unsuccessful. That is until God appears and coaxes him into jumping off a cliff to find her. Gullible and kind, Sam jumps



And falls straight into Hell. Here, all his memories return, including that of his death: Cara had them all murdered.



Sam wants to return to Heaven and forget all about Cara, but can’t. Because soon he learns why God needed him down here: to stop Cara’s plan. Although her intentions aren’t clear, the consequences are. If Sam doesn’t stop her, a war might start between dimensions, a war Heaven is bound to lose. To protect his family in Heaven, he'll go after Cara, but she’s determined, ruthless, and won’t give up without a fight. But violence and hatred begin to corrupt Sam, slowly turning him into someone who belongs in Hell. Sam can't succumb to the darkness within him or he'll be locked out of Heaven forever.

 



#28 Tanja

Tanja

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 547 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationAustralia/New Zealand

Posted 11 May 2018 - 04:36 AM

Thank you for your feedback on my query. Going to give it a go with yours.

 

 

((most recent version))
 

When 16 always right out numbers in a query sixteen-year-old Sam Croft arrives at an unfamiliar meadow, two questions take hold of him: Why is the sky magenta and why is his late grandmother here? Never ask questions in a query. You could overcome the question issue by rephrasing. Maybe something like: Stunned by the unfamiliar meadow, sixteen-year-old Sam Croft would rather know how he ended up here and why his late grandmother is smiling at him. It's not perfect, and I don't know if she's smiling at him, but something along that line.

 

She tells him he’s in Heaven, but he can’t remember dying. Neither can his parents, who arrive moments after him. Their deaths being so close apart makes Sam suspicious, but in Heaven all negative memories are erased, so he has no way of discovering what happened. But soon memories he shouldn’t have begin to return. I preferred what you  had in the previous version: just as he adjusts... Memories of his sister, Cara, whose existence had been wiped from their minds I think instead of repeating that the memories about her had been wiped, you could amp it up a bit more. That he's wondering how it was even possible that he had the memories about her, as an example, because he'd known her as a nice girl, beautiful girl, something along that line. Sam searches for her but is unsuccessful again I think the previous version was better. That is until God appears and coaxes him into jumping off a cliff to find herGullible and kind, Sam jumps …  

 

And falls straight into Hell. Here, all his memories return, including that of his death: Cara had them all murdered. I like this twist

 

Sam wants to return to Heaven and forget all about Carabut can’t. Because soon He learns why God needed him down here: to stoCara’s planAlthough her intentions aren’t clear,this is a little vague and I think you had this part also better in the other version the consequences are. If Sam doesn’t stop her, a war might start between dimensions, a war Heaven is bound to lose. To protect his family in Heaven, he'll go after Cara, but she’s determinedruthless, and won’t give up without a fight. But violence and hatred begin to corrupt Sam, slowly turning him into someone who belongs in Hell. Sam can't succumb to the darkness within him or he'll be locked out of Heaven forever.  I like this part

 

 

Overall I think you're on the right track. In all honesty, I think a mix of the previous version and this new version will take you where you want to be. Good work so far. Good luck


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#29 W.P.

W.P.

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 63 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationEurope

Posted 11 May 2018 - 07:49 AM

((newest version)) ((still not sure how to make the opening line intriguing)))


Sixteen-year-old Sam Croft is bewildered, to say the least, when he arrives at a meadow under a magenta sky and is greeted there by his late grandmother.

She tells him he’s in Heaven, but he can’t remember dying. Neither can his parents, who arrive moments after him. Their deaths being so close apart makes Sam suspicious. However, he has no way of discovering what happened as all negative memories are erased in Heaven. But as he's adjusting to his new home, memories he shouldn't remember return. Memories of his sister, Cara, whose existence had been wiped from their minds. Worried about what might've happened to her, Sam searches Heaven for his sister. He reaches a cliff and, thinking it a dead-end, starts back. But God appears and coaxes him into jumping off the cliff, assuring him Cara is at the bottom. Gullible and kind, Sam jumps …

And falls straight into Hell. Here, all his memories return, including that of his death: Cara had them all murdered.

Sam wishes to return to Heaven and forget all about her, but he's stuck in Hell. And he soon learns why. Once he discovers Cara’s plans, he realizes God wanted Sam to stop her. If he doesn’t, a war might start between dimensions, a war Heaven is bound to lose. To protect his family in Heaven, he'll do anything to stop Cara, but she’s determined, ruthless, and won’t give up without a fight. But violence and hatred begin to corrupt Sam, slowly turning him into someone who belongs in Hell. Sam can't succumb to the darkness within him or he'll be locked out of Heaven forever.



#30 kleblanc13

kleblanc13

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 15 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 11 May 2018 - 09:40 PM

(((Most recent version))))

When (age?) Sam Croft arrives at a meadow under a magenta sky and is welcomed there by his late grandmother, he is bewildered to say the least. She tells him he's in Heaven, only he doesn't remember dying and denial hits him hard. When his parents arrive moments later, they, just like Sam, too struggle to accept their death, especially when they have no memory of it. Here, all negative memories are locked away. But just as Sam is adjusting to his new home, memories begin to return. Memories of his sister, Cara, whose existence had been wiped from their minds. Worried, about what might've happened to Cara, Sam searches Heaven for her. When he reaches a cliff, thinking it's a dead end, he plans to turn back until he thinks it's a dead end, but God appears and coaxes him into jumping off the cliff to find Cara. Gullible and kind, Believing it necessary to find his sister, Sam jumps.

He falls into a place where the air burns and beasts roam, where suffering is never-ending. He falls into Hell. Here, all Sam's memories return. Now, he knows what had him and his parents killed: Cara.

Sam wishes to return to Heaven and forget all about Cara, but he's stuck in Hell. And he soon learns why. Once he discovers Cara’s plans, he realizes God wanted him to stop her. If he doesn't, she could be starting start a war between dimensions, a war that Heaven is bound to lose. To protect his home and his family in Heaven, he'll do anything to stop Cara. But as violence and hatred begin to corrupt him, slowly turning him into someone who belongs in Hell., Sam can't must not succumb to the darkness within him or he'll be locked out of Heaven forever.

Really neat story premise! Thanks for checking out my query. Hope you find these suggestions helpful.

ETA: Looks like you updated your query while I was responding to your old one. Still hope you find this helpful! (Or maybe I just grabbed the wrong one, in which case, sorry about that!)



#31 Tanja

Tanja

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 547 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationAustralia/New Zealand

Posted 12 May 2018 - 12:33 AM

I like your new version. Besides that you should add his age into the first line. I'm not going to nitpick on writing because it's your book, your writing style. So I generally don't do that unless I have a better idea. Don't know how others feel, but I think it's coming along nicely. Of course there will always be suggestions on how to make things better, but I think it's now clear, not too much like a synopsis.

 

Good luck


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#32 Kjcloutier19

Kjcloutier19

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 63 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, emerging, unagented
  • LocationCanada
  • Publishing Experience:I have had a short story published in a school anthology, but my goal now is to publish the novel I have been working on for the past couple of years.

Posted 12 May 2018 - 05:37 PM

(Most recent version)  ((still struggling with the opening line))
 

Sam Croft arrives at a strange meadow, bewildered, as he sits beside his late grandmother under a magenta sky. (I don't think this hook is quite strong enough. Since we don't know what kind of world Sam is in - fantasy, sci-fi, literary - we don't know that a magenta sky is really that odd, or why seeing his grandmother is weird) 

 

She tells him he’s in Heaven, but he can’t remember dying. (Now here's your hook! If you can somehow get that right at the beginning, that would be perfect) Neither can his parents, who arrive moments after him. Their deaths being so close apart makes Sam suspicious, but in Heaven all negative memories are erased, so he has no way of discovering what happened. But as he's adjusting to his new home, memories he shouldn't remember return. Memories of his sister, Cara, whose existence had been wiped from their minds. Worried about what might've happened to her, Sam searches heaven for her, and when he reaches a cliff, he thinks it's a dead end. But God appears to coax him into jumping off the cliff to find Cara. Gullible and kind, Sam jumps …  

 

And falls straight into Hell. Here, all his memories return, including that of his death: Cara had them all murdered. (Dun dun dunnnnn) 

 

Sam wishes to return to Heaven and forget all about her, but he's stuck in Hell. And he soon learns why. Once he discovers Cara’s plans, he realizes God wanted Sam to stop her. If he doesn’ta war might start between dimensions, a war Heaven is bound to lose. (This is interesting but also confusing, because how can Cara possibly start a war between dimensions) To protect his family in Heaven, he'll do anything to stop Cara, but she’s determinedruthless, and won’t give up without a fight. But violence and hatred begin to corrupt Sam, slowly turning him into someone who belongs in Hell. Sam can't succumb to the darkness within him or he'll be locked out of Heaven forever.  

 

 

I like this query but I'm also a little confused. Is Cara some sort of supernatural being, or is she just a crazy human girl? Why did she kill her parents and why does she want this war? I don't actually know if these things should be in the query, but these are the questions I'm left with. I would also be very careful about using God as a character, and having him trick a kid ( how old is Sam, actually?) to jump into hell. People can be so touchy. In all, this is a really interesting plot and I think your so damn close! best of luck to you!

 

I would also appreciate any feedback on my own query, if you have the time: http://agentquerycon...on-ya-fantasy/ 

 

———
(Original version)


Sam Croft always thought dying would be like falling into an eternal sleep, but now he’s certain. Because his afterlife is an absolute nightmare.

Sam arrives in heaven with few memories and, with no idea how he died, struggles to accept his fate. But as he starts to adjust, even enjoy, his new home, he regains memories of his sister Cara, whose existence had been wiped from his mind. He searches heaven for her, until a god convinces him Cara is at the bottom of a cliff and that Sam needs to find her. So Sam jumps, and falls straight into hell.

Cara could not disagree more with the gods. She doesn’t deserve damnation, even if she did have her family murdered. Determined to get a better fate than the one she was given, she concocts a plan that requires a fallen angel, a mercenary, and the endangerment of whole dimensions.

In hell, all Sam’s memories come back and he struggles to understand why god told him to find the monster who had him murdered. Stuck in hell, he’ll have to fight demons, ghastly monsters, and, when he discovers her plans, Cara herself. But the hardest fight will be against the darkness within him which Cara brings out. Sam can’t let her break him or he’ll be locked out of heaven forever.



#33 W.P.

W.P.

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 63 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationEurope

Posted 17 May 2018 - 01:50 AM

((most recent version))  ((still struggling with the beginning))

 

 

I am currently seeking representation for my YA Dark Fantasy novel, KRENUO’S CHILDREN, complete at 75 000 words. Given your interest in (customize), I thought it might be a good fit for your list. 

 

Sixteen-year-old Sam Croft is told he’s dead, but he can’t remember ever dying. 

 

After Sam arrives in Heaven, lying in a meadow under a magenta sky, his parents appear as well. Their deaths being so close apart makes Sam suspicious. However, he has no way of discovering what happened. Because all negative memories are erased in Heaven. But as he's adjusting to his new home, memories he shouldn't have return. Memories of his sister, Cara, whose existence had been wiped from their minds. Worried about what might've happened to her, Sam searches for her in Heaven. He reaches a misty cliff and, thinking it a dead-end, starts back. But God appears and coaxes him into jumping off the cliff, assuring him Cara is at the bottom. Gullible and kind, Sam jumps …  

 

And falls straight into Hell. Here, all his memories return, including that of his death: Cara had them all murdered. 

 

In Hell, the air burns and terrible monsters roam and suffering is never-ending. Sam wishes to return to Heaven, but can’t. And he soon learns why. Once he discovers Cara’s plans, he realizes God wanted Sam to stop her. If he doesn’t, a war might start between dimensions, a war Heaven is bound to lose. To protect his family in Heaven, he'll do anything to stop Cara, but she’s determined, ruthless, and won’t give up without a fight. But violence and hatred begin to corrupt Sam, slowly turning him into someone who belongs in Hell. Sam can't succumb to the darkness within him or he'll be locked out of Heaven forever.  



#34 yawriter

yawriter

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 82 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS West Coast

Posted 17 May 2018 - 05:58 PM

(Most recent version)  ((still struggling with the opening line))
 

Sixteen-year-old Sam Croft is told he’s dead, but he can’t remember ever dying. 

 

When Sam arrives in Heaven, he’s lying in a meadow under a magenta skyYOu've started really great, but that one sentence kind of slowed everything down...Just moments later, his parents arrive as well. Their deaths being so close Who's deaths? So far you've only told us of one death...Sam Croft's apart makes Sam suspicious, however, he has no way of discovering what happened. OH he's in heaven... You capitalized it so I thought it was the name of a city...got it. I don't know if any one else will get confused by that...I don't really see that word often, so idk. Because all negative memories are erased in Heaven. How does Sam know that only negative memories are erased? But as he's adjusting to his new home, his memories he shouldn't have return. Memories of his sister, Cara, whose existence had been wiped from their minds Their minds...or his mind? Focus on just Sam's POV. Worried about what might've happened to her, Sam searches for her in Heaven. He reaches a misty cliff and, thinking it a dead-end, starts back. But God appears and coaxes him into jumping off the cliff, assuring him Cara is at the bottom. Gullible and kind, Sam jumps …  

 

Just letting you know I feel like this query is a bit on the longer side... So who was really coaxing him? Is god a bad guy in this story?

 

And falls straight into Hell. Here, all his memories return, including that of his death: Cara had them all murdered. 

 

In Hell, the air burns and terrible monsters roam and suffering is never-ending. Sam wishes to return to Heaven, but can’t. And he soon learns why. Once he discovers Cara’s plans, he realizes God wanted Sam to stop her. I feel like God would have just told him that Ssam's at the bottom and he needs to go down there to stop her from blah blah blah you know? If he doesn’t, a war might start between dimensions, a war Heaven is bound to lose. To protect his family in Heaven, he'll do anything to stop Cara, but she’s determined, ruthless, and won’t give up without a fight.Do we get any background as to why his sister is in Hell? But violence and hatred begin to corrupt Sam, slowly turning him into someone who belongs in Hell. Sam can't succumb to the darkness within him or he'll be locked out of Heaven forever.  

 

 


(Most recent version)  ((still struggling with the opening line))
 

Sixteen-year-old Sam Croft is told he’s dead, but he can’t remember ever dying. 

 

When Sam arrives in Heaven, he’s lying in a meadow under a magenta skyYOu've started really great, but that one sentence kind of slowed everything down...Just moments later, his parents arrive as well. Their deaths being so close Who's deaths? So far you've only told us of one death...Sam Croft's apart makes Sam suspicious, however, he has no way of discovering what happened. OH he's in heaven... You capitalized it so I thought it was the name of a city...got it. I don't know if any one else will get confused by that...I don't really see that word often, so idk. Because all negative memories are erased in Heaven. How does Sam know that only negative memories are erased? But as he's adjusting to his new home, his memories he shouldn't have return. Memories of his sister, Cara, whose existence had been wiped from their minds Their minds...or his mind? Focus on just Sam's POV. Worried about what might've happened to her, Sam searches for her in Heaven. He reaches a misty cliff and, thinking it a dead-end, starts back. But God appears and coaxes him into jumping off the cliff, assuring him Cara is at the bottom. Gullible and kind, Sam jumps …  

 

Just letting you know I feel like this query is a bit on the longer side... So who was really coaxing him? Is god a bad guy in this story?

 

And falls straight into Hell. Here, all his memories return, including that of his death: Cara had them all murdered. 

 

In Hell, the air burns and terrible monsters roam and suffering is never-ending. Sam wishes to return to Heaven, but can’t. And he soon learns why. Once he discovers Cara’s plans, he realizes God wanted Sam to stop her. I feel like God would have just told him that Ssam's at the bottom and he needs to go down there to stop her from blah blah blah you know? If he doesn’t, a war might start between dimensions, a war Heaven is bound to lose. To protect his family in Heaven, he'll do anything to stop Cara, but she’s determined, ruthless, and won’t give up without a fight.Do we get any background as to why his sister is in Hell? But violence and hatred begin to corrupt Sam, slowly turning him into someone who belongs in Hell. Sam can't succumb to the darkness within him or he'll be locked out of Heaven forever.  

 

 



#35 AsperBlurry

AsperBlurry

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 33 posts
  • Literary Status:self-published, unagented
  • LocationEurope
  • Publishing Experience:Polish literary magazines: Wyspa(Island), Zupełnie inny swiat (Completely different world), Kozirynek.

Posted 18 May 2018 - 07:49 AM

Thank you, W.P for your feedback on my query! As promised here's mine:

 

((most recent version))  ((still struggling with the beginning))

 

 

I am currently seeking representation for my YA Dark Fantasy novel, KRENUO’S CHILDREN, complete at 75 000 words. Given your interest in (customize), I thought it might be a good fit for your list.  

 

Sixteen-year-old Sam Croft is told he’s dead, but he can’t remember ever dying. Good hook!

 

After Sam arrives in Heaven, lying in a meadow under a magenta sky, his parents appear as well. Their deaths being so close apart makes Sam suspicious. However, he has no way of discovering what happened because all negative memories are erased in Heaven. But as he's adjusting to his new home, memories he shouldn't have return. Memories of his sister, Cara, whose existence had been wiped from their minds return. Worried about what might've happened to her, Sam searches for her in Heaven. He reaches a misty cliff and, thinking it a dead-end, starts back. But God appears and coaxes him into jumping off the cliff, assuring tells him that Cara is at the bottom in hell. Gullible and kind, Sam jumps …    so Sam decides to go there and find her.

 

And falls straight into Once in Hell all his memories return, including that of his death: Cara had them all murdered. Add here something like he's shocked, he can;t believe it etc. In Hell, the air burns and terrible monsters roam and suffering is never-ending. (too many details) Sam wishes to return to Heaven, but can’t. And he soon learns why. Once but when Sam discovers Cara’s plans (tell us here about her plans), he realizes that God wanted him to stop her. If he doesn’t, a war might start between dimensions, a war Heaven is bound to lose. To protect his family in Heaven, he'll do anything to stop Cara, but she’s determined, ruthless, and won’t give up without a fight (why? what happened to her that she's so ruthless?) But violence and hatred begin to corrupt Sam, slowly turning him into someone who belongs in Hell. Sam can't succumb to the darkness within him (try something like he tries to fight those urges) or he'll be locked out of Heaven forever.  

 

Sorry for so many changes in red! But you need to work on your sentence structure. Try to simplify your query and dig into the "heart" of your story. In my opinion too many details don't work. Focus on what's important. Why is Cara such a villian all of a sudden? What exactly is she doing to start the war?

There's a potential in your query, keep rewritting it:) 

 



#36 StephenLost

StephenLost

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 119 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUS South
  • Publishing Experience:nada

Posted 18 May 2018 - 06:32 PM

Sixteen-year-old Sam Croft is told he’s dead, but he can’t remember ever dying.  I like the hook

 

Sam wakes in Heaven, lying in a meadow under a magenta sky, his parents appear as well. Their deaths being so close to his makes Sam suspicious. However, he has no way of of how his family died. Because all negative memories are erased in Heaven. But as he's adjusting to his new home, memories he shouldn't have return. Memories of his sister, Cara, whose existence had been wiped from their minds. Worried about what might've happened to her, Sam searches for her in Heaven. He reaches a misty cliff and, thinking it a dead-end, starts back. But God appears and coaxes him into jumping off the cliff, assuring him Cara is at the bottom, Sam jumps …  

 

 

And falls straight into Hell. Here, all his memories return, including that of his death: Cara had them all murdered. 

 

In Hell, the air burns and terrible monsters roam and suffering is never-ending. Sam wishes to return to Heaven, but can’t. And he soon learns why. Once he discovers Cara’s plans, he realizes God wanted Sam to stop her. If he doesn’t, a war might start between dimensions, a war Heaven is bound to lose. To protect his family in Heaven, he'll do anything to stop Cara, but she’s determined, ruthless, and won’t give up without a fight. But violence and hatred begin to corrupt Sam, slowly turning him into someone who belongs in Hell. Sam can't succumb to the darkness within him or he'll be locked out of Heaven forever.  (This is telling, show   Describe the fire   his regret   include her plan.  how did she gets satans favor?)



#37 punitrastogi

punitrastogi

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 225 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationAsia
  • Publishing Experience:Ready with the first draft of my first book

Posted 21 May 2018 - 03:45 AM

(Most recent version)  ((still struggling with the opening line)) (Try writing a twitter pitch for the book. That will definitely help.)
 

 

I am currently seeking representation for my YA Dark Fantasy novel, KRENUO’S CHILDREN, complete at 75 000 words. Given your interest in (customize), I thought it might be a good fit for your list. 

 

Sixteen-year-old Sam Croft is told he’s dead, but he can’t remember ever dying. 

 

After Sam arrives in Heaven, lying in a meadow under a magenta sky, his parents appear as well. Their deaths being so close apart makes Sam suspicious. However, he has no way of discovering what happened. Because all negative memories are erased in Heaven. With their negative memories wiped out, Sam Croft was leading a peaceful life in heaven with his parents. But as he's adjusting to his new home, Until memories he shouldn't have,(comma) return. Memories of his sister, Cara, whose existence had been was wiped from their minds. Worried about what might've happened to her, Sam searches for her in Heaven. He reaches a misty cliff and, thinking it a dead-end, starts back. But God appears and coaxes him into jumping off the cliff, assures ing him that Cara is at the bottom of the cliff. Gullible and kind, Sam jumps …  

 

And falls straight into Hell. Here, all his memories return, including that of his death: Cara had them all murdered. 

 

In Hell, the air burns and terrible monsters roam and suffering is never-ending. Sam wishes to return to Heaven, but can’t. And he soon learns why. Once when he discovers Cara’s plans, he realizes God wanted Sam to stop her. If he doesn’t, a war might start between dimensions, a war and Heaven is bound to lose. To protect his family in Heaven, he'll do anything to stop Cara, but she’s determined, ruthless, and won’t give up without a fight. But The violence and hatred begin to corrupt Sam, slowly turning him into someone who belongs in Hell. Sam can't succumb to the darkness within him or he'll be locked out of Heaven forever. 

 

———
 

 

I think it's almost there, just a little bit of wording issues that I observed.

 

As always, it's upto you to evaluate them for their merit.

 

You should start with his memories returning (like I have suggested), that should give you more space for other content, possibly even a good hook.

 

Hope it helps :)



#38 W.P.

W.P.

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 63 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationEurope

Posted 21 May 2018 - 08:38 AM

Thanks so much for everyone's help! Your feedback is invaluable! :)

 

 

((most recent version)) ((struggling with "query writing style"))

 

 

Sixteen-year-old Sam Croft is told he’s dead, but he can’t remember ever dying. 

 

When Sam arrives in Heaven with his parents, their deaths being so close apart makes Sam suspicious. But as all negative memories are erased in Heaven, their deaths remain a mystery. One day, however, Sam regains memories of his sister, Cara—whose existence had been wiped from their minds. He searches Heaven for her and that is when God appears to tell him Cara is at the bottom of a cliff and Sam must find her. Gullible and kind, Sam jumps …  

 

And falls straight into Hell. Here, all his memories return, including that of his death. Cara had them all murdered. 

 

Stuck in Hell, Sam discovers Cara’s plans and realizes God wanted him to stop her. If he doesn’t, a war might start between dimensions, a war Heaven is bound to lose. To protect his family in Heaven, he'll do anything to stop Cara, but she’s determined, ruthless, and won’t give up without a fight. But violence and hatred begin to corrupt Sam, slowly turning him into someone who belongs in Hell. Sam can't succumb to the darkness within him or he'll be locked out of Heaven forever.  



#39 cmmg

cmmg

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 83 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationCanada

Posted 21 May 2018 - 08:59 AM

 

Thanks so much for everyone's help! Your feedback is invaluable! :)

 

 

((most recent version)) ((struggling with "query writing style"))

 

 

Sixteen-year-old Sam Croft is told he’s dead, but he can’t remember ever dying. 

 

When Sam arrives in Heaven with his parents, their deaths being so close apart makes Sam suspicious. (I like this) But as all negative memories are erased in Heaven, their deaths remain a mystery. One day, however (I think this might be better the other way around as "However, one day"), Sam regains memories of his sister, Cara—whose existence had been wiped from their minds. He searches Heaven for her and that is when God appears to tell him Cara is at the bottom of a cliff and Sam must find her. (This line could be improved. "He searched all of Heaven for her, without luck, but then God appears, claiming that Cara is..." something that has a little bit more action-y feel) Gullible and kind, Sam jumps …  

 

And falls straight into Hell. Here, all his memories return, including that of his death. (You might want a connecting word here but maybe not) Cara had them all murdered. 

 

Stuck in Hell, Sam discovers Cara’s plans (to? the reader doesn't get why God would want him to stop her. You could say "discovers Cara caught up in a plot that might start a war between the dimensions, a war Heaven is bound to lose. God must have sent him down here to stop her!" Since Cara's plan's aren't about starting a war, but will lead to it, I think it'll be helpful to focus on the fallout of her plans rather than the plans themselves. ) and realizes God wanted him to stop her. If he doesn’t, a war might start between dimensions, a war Heaven is bound to lose. To protect his family in Heaven, he'll do anything to stop Cara, but she’s determined, ruthless, and won’t give up without a fight. But violence and hatred begin to corrupt Sam, slowly turning him into someone who belongs in Hell (you might want to imply this as a possibility rather than a fact for the query, so it has a "but will violence be the end of Sam, dun dun duh" kind of kick? Maybe? I think changing this a bit works better with the last sentence to make it seem more like you're lining up the stakes and less like action). Sam can't succumb to the darkness within him or he'll be locked out of Heaven forever.  

 

 I think you're right that you're biggest issue is just the "query style" and punching some things up. But I also think, maybe unhelpfully, that this forum won't be super helpful for that, because everyone will suggest things (me included!) that works with their query style, rather than yours. But hopefully this is helpful anyway!


_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

synopsis


#40 AsperBlurry

AsperBlurry

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 33 posts
  • Literary Status:self-published, unagented
  • LocationEurope
  • Publishing Experience:Polish literary magazines: Wyspa(Island), Zupełnie inny swiat (Completely different world), Kozirynek.

Posted 23 May 2018 - 10:08 AM

 

Thanks so much for everyone's help! Your feedback is invaluable! :)

 

 

((most recent version)) ((struggling with "query writing style"))

 

 

Sixteen-year-old Sam Croft is told he’s dead, but he can’t remember ever dying. (I think I already said that, but I'll repeat - great hook :D)

 

When Sam arrives in Heaven with his parents, their deaths being so close apart makes Sam suspicious. But as all negative memories are erased in Heaven, their deaths remain a mystery. One day, however, Sam regains memories of his sister, Cara—whose existence had been wiped from their minds. He searches Heaven for her and that is when God appears to tell him Cara is at the bottom of a cliff and Sam must find her. I'd put more action into this sentence like cmmg suggested, Gullible and kind, Sam jumps …  

 

And falls straight into Hell. Here, all his memories return, including that of his death. Cara had them all murdered. 

 

Stuck in Hell, Sam discovers Cara’s plans (tell us about her plans) and realizes God wanted him to stop her. If he doesn’t, a war might start between dimensions, a war Heaven is bound to lose. To protect his family in Heaven, he'll do anything to stop Cara, but she’s determined, ruthless, and won’t give up without a fight. But violence and hatred begin to corrupt Sam, slowly turning him into someone who belongs in Hell. Sam can't succumb to the darkness within him or he'll be locked out of Heaven forever.  I like the last sentence, the stakes are clear. 

 

I think this version is much better than the last one, keep it up :) You've added more voice into your query, that's good! Now give us more insights into Cara's motivations and plans.

 

I've posted a new version of my query, I'd appreciate it if you could read it http://agentquerycon...back/?p=356167 

 







0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users