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Krenuo's Children -- CLOSED

Fantasy Young Adult

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#81 W.P.

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Posted 23 July 2018 - 02:49 PM

Thanks so much, everyone! As suggested, I tried to make the stakes clearer. Still hacking away at it

 

 

NEWEST VERSION

 

 

Sixteen-year-old Sam Croft used to dream of becoming a veterinarian, travelling the world and scuba diving, but now all his dreams are dead—just like him.   

   

In Heaven with his parents, Sam doesn’t know what killed him and his family. Many of their memories are locked away to ensure their bliss. But Sam remembers something his parents don't: his sister, Cara. Determined to find her, he searches Heaven and beyond—to end up in the most nightmarish dimension, created only to torture and punish: Hell. Cara was sent there for his and his parents’ murder.   

   

Sam can’t understand what made his sister, a straight A student and a community service volunteer, turn to murder. Whatever her motivations, their deaths did not seem to satisfy her, because she’s concocting a dangerous, yet brilliant plan to follow her parents up to Heaven. Because they can’t die again, they now can feel terrible, terrible pain—for eternity. 

   

Being a pacifist, Sam tries talking her out of it, but words can’t hold her. Only a brutal fight will stop her, and Sam must be as ruthless as her to win. But when despair gives way to bloodlust, and sacrificing the innocent becomes a valid option, he realizes the fight is corrupting him. Sam must protect his parents at all costs, but it just might cost him his place in Heaven.  



#82 Tanja

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Posted 24 July 2018 - 03:58 AM

I think you're getting closer and closer to the perfect version. Just nit picking

 

 

Thanks so much, everyone! As suggested, I tried to make the stakes clearer. Still hacking away at it

 

 

NEWEST VERSION

 

 

Sixteen-year-old Sam Croft used to dream of becoming a veterinarian, travelling the world and scuba diving, but now all his dreams are dead—just like him. Great 

   

In Heaven with his parents, Sam doesn’t know what killed him and his family. Just suggesting, but maybe make it clearer that his family is there too. the way it reads now it seems his family was already dead. Maybe try:  In Heaven, Sam is shocked to see his family there too. Many of their memories are locked away to ensure their bliss. But Sam remembers something his parents don't: his sister, Cara. Determined to find her, he searches Heaven and beyond—to end up in the most nightmarish dimension, created only to torture and punish: Hell. Cara was sent there for his and his parents’ murder.   

   

Sam can’t understand what made his sister, a straight A student and a community service volunteer, turn to murder. Whatever her motivations, their deaths did not seem to satisfy her, because she’s concocting a dangerous, yet brilliant plan  I would wipe this because you're in Sam's POV and I'm sure he doesn't think it's a brilliant plan to follow her parents up to Heaven. Because they can’t die again, they now can feel terrible, terrible pain—for eternity. This falls a little flat and it reads more like an author comment.

   

Being a pacifist, Sam tries talking her out of it, but words can’t hold her. Only a brutal fight will stop her, and Sam must be as ruthless as her to win. But when despair gives way to bloodlust, and sacrificing the innocent becomes a valid option, he realizes the fight is corrupting him. Sam must protect his parents at all costs, but it just might cost him his place in Heaven.  

 

Other than the parts I mentioned, I think it's great. Very clear now. The stakes are better. well done


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#83 SheWrites

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Posted 24 July 2018 - 05:53 PM

Hi W.P.

 

As you can see I have no idea how to get my comments to show up here in color. I'll use parenthesis. 

 

 

Sixteen-year-old Sam Croft used to dream of becoming a veterinarian, travelling (traveling) the world and scuba diving, but now all his dreams are dead—just like him.   (I like this opening - it's clear and interesting. It makes me wonder what happened.)

 

   

In Heaven with his parents, Sam doesn’t know what killed him and his family. (Maybe: Sam doesn't know how he and his family ended up killed and in heaven.) Many of their memories are locked away to ensure their bliss. But Sam remembers something his parents don't: his sister, Cara. (I am wondering why his parents don't remember Cara, why only Sam remembers?) Determined to find her, he searches Heaven and beyond—to end up in the most nightmarish dimension, created only to torture and punish:(Not sure you need the description of Hell, since everyone knows that Hell is Hell.) Cara was sent there for his and his parents’ murder.   

   

Sam can’t understand what made his sister, a straight A student and a community service volunteer, turn to murder. Whatever her motivations, their deaths did not seem to satisfy her, because she’s concocting a dangerous, yet brilliant(?) (Not sure about this word.) plan to follow her parents up to Heaven. Because they can’t die again, they now can feel terrible, terrible pain—for eternity. (Why does she hate her parents so much and want to inflict more pain? What is her motive/reason?)

   

Being a pacifist, Sam tries talking her out of it, but words can’t hold her. Only a brutal fight will stop her, and Sam must be as ruthless as her to win. But when despair gives way to bloodlust,(no comma) and sacrificing the innocent becomes a valid option, he realizes the fight is corrupting him. Sam must protect his parents at all costs, but it just might cost him his place in Heaven. (This would make more sense to me if I knew why Cara is so bloodthirsty against her parents.)

 

I like this query, and it makes me wants to read the book! Again, you read my query, and know that I am no expert - but I do hope I helped a little.

 


#84 Wanjoo

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Posted 24 July 2018 - 11:10 PM

Thank you for having had a look at my query for The Accidental Yakuza. You made some good points. Wanjoo

 

 

NEWEST VERSION

 

 

Sixteen-year-old Sam Croft used to dream dreamt of becoming a veterinarian, travelling the world and scuba diving, but now all his dreams are dead—just like him.   

   

Now in In Heaven with his parents, Sam doesn’t know what wants to know what killed him and his family. Many Most of their memories are locked away to ensure their bliss. But Sam remembers something someone his parents don't: his sister, Cara. Determined to find her, he searches Heaven and beyond—to and end up in the most nightmarish dimension, created only to torture and punish: finds her in Hell.Cara was sent there for his and his parents’ murder.   

   

Sam can’t understand what made his sister, a straight A student and a community service volunteer, turn to murder. Whatever her motivations, their deaths apparently did not seem to satisfy her, because she’s concocting a dangerous, yet brilliant plan to follow her parents up to Heaven. Because they And since they can’t die again, they now can will feel terrible, terrible pain—for eternity. 

   

Being a pacifist, Sam tries talking her out of it, but words can’t hold her. don't work. Only a brutal fight will stop her, and Sam must be as ruthless as her to win. But when despair gives way to bloodlust, and sacrificing the innocent (sorry, who is innocent?) becomes a valid option, he realizes the fight is corrupting him. Sam must protect his parents at all costs, but it just might cost him his place in Heaven. Nice last line.

 

 

Hope this helps. Wanjoo 

 



#85 taylorhale

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Posted 30 July 2018 - 12:11 PM

 

Thanks so much, everyone! As suggested, I tried to make the stakes clearer. Still hacking away at it

 

 

NEWEST VERSION

 

 

Sixteen-year-old Sam Croft used to dream of becoming a veterinarian, travelling the world and scuba diving, but now all his dreams are dead—just like him.  (ooh I'm intrigued. Nice hook!)

   

In Heaven with his parents, Sam doesn’t know what killed him and his family. Many of their memories are locked away to ensure their afterlife bliss. But Sam remembers something his parents don't: his sister, Cara. Determined to find her, he searches Heaven and beyond, only to end up in the most nightmarish dimension, created only to torture and punish: Hell. (Is it really necessary to say nightmarish dimension full of torture? We all know what Hell is) Cara was sent there for his and his parents’ murder. (The way this last sentence is worded isn't as powerful as it could be, I think. Consider:

 

Determined to find her, Sam searches Heaven and beyond, only to discover that Cara has been sentenced to Hell. Her charge: The murder of her entire family. (or something like that lol)

  

Sam can’t understand what made his sister, a straight A student and a community service volunteer, turn to murder. Whatever her motivations, their deaths did not seem to satisfy her, because she’s concocting a dangerous, yet brilliant plan to follow her parents up to Heaven. Because they can’t die again, they now can feel terrible, terrible pain—for eternity. 

   

Being a pacifist, (pacifist is sort of implied?) Sam tries talking her out of it, but words can’t hold her. Only a brutal fight will stop her, and Sam must be as ruthless as her to win. (Can we go deeper than "a brutal fight"? Kind of vague) But when despair gives way to bloodlust, and sacrificing the innocent becomes a valid option, he realizes the fight is corrupting him. Sam must protect his parents at all costs, but it just might cost him his place in Heaven.  

 

 

 

Hi, sorry for being so late with this! I think your story sounds really cool. I left my thoughts inline. One thing that came off to me is that Cara is coming off as a cartoon villain in this query. She has no motivation other than to make her parents feel terrible, terrible pain, and she's described as "ruthless", but we get no sense of who she is other than a once-good student turned evil. I don't know your story well enough to offer any genuine advice, and I understand that Sam's POV limits us from knowing everything about Cara. But at the same time, it might be worth it to give away a spoiler to keep an agents attention. Are Sam's parents secretly evil? Did they do something horrible to Cara? I don't know, but I personally am turned off by evil for the sake of evil, so if you can add more depth to Cara's character in the query, I hope you'll consider it!

 

Hope this helps



#86 W.P.

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Posted 04 August 2018 - 08:55 AM

Thanks so much for the feedback, everyone! I did the small edits here so I didn't have to create another post. :)

 

 

NEWEST VERSION

 

Sixteen-year-old Sam Croft dreamed of becoming a veterinarian, traveling the world, and scuba diving. But now all his dreams are dead—just like him.   

   

In Heaven, Sam wants to know what killed him and his parents. But most of their memories are locked away to ensure their bliss. Except, Sam remembers something his parents don't: his sister, Cara. Determined to find her, he searches Heaven and beyond, only to discover Cara has been sentenced to Hell. Her charge: The murder of her entire family. 

   

What made his sister, a top student and a volunteer, turn to murder, Sam doesn’t know. But learning why might just unearth family secrets he tried all his life not to see. Cara, however, isn't satisfied with their deaths as she concocts a dangerous, yet brilliant plan to follow her parents up to Heaven. Sam worries. Although souls can’t be killed, they can suffer—for eternity. 

 

Being a pacifist, Sam tries talking her out of it, but words can’t hold her. Only a brutal fight will stop Cara, and Sam must be as ruthless as her to win. But when despair gives way to bloodlust, and sacrificing the innocent becomes a valid option, he realizes the fight is corrupting him. Sam must protect his parents at all costs, but it just might cost him his place in Heaven.  



#87 Tanja

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Posted 04 August 2018 - 09:03 AM

wow. This has come a long way. The only thing that I think is coming a little abruptly is this part:

 

In Heaven, Sam wants to know what killed him and his parents.

 

Since it's just him in the hook and his parents aren't mentioned, I suggest writing something like: In Heaven, Sam wants to know what killed him and how his parents ended up here too.

This way it's a bit smoother.

 

Other than that, great job. I like it.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#88 smithgirl

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Posted 04 August 2018 - 03:57 PM

Thanks for stopping by my query!
 

 

Sixteen-year-old Sam Croft dreamed of becoming a veterinarian, traveling the world, and scuba diving. But now all his dreams are dead—just like him.  

 

This is really good. I would recommend breaking it into two sentences, but that's up to you. 

   

In Heaven, Sam wants to know what killed him and his parents. But most of their memories are locked away to ensure their bliss. Except that Sam remembers something his parents don't: his sister, Cara. Determined to find her, he searches Heaven and beyond, only to discover Cara has been sentenced to Hell. Her charge: The murder of her entire family. 

 

Oh good!

   

What made his sister, a top student and a volunteer, turn to murder, Sam doesn’t know. But learning why might just unearth family secrets he tried all his life not to see. Cara, however, isn't satisfied with their deaths as she concocts a dangerous, yet brilliant plan to follow her parents up to Heaven. Sam worries. Although souls can’t be killed, they can suffer—for eternity. 

 

Good!

 

Being a pacifist, Sam tries talking her out of it, but words can’t hold her. Only a brutal fight will stop her, and Sam must be as ruthless as her to win. But when despair gives way to bloodlust, and sacrificing the innocent becomes a valid option, he realizes the fight is corrupting him. Sam must protect his parents at all costs, but it just might cost him his place in Heaven.  

 

Oh, I think your query has gotten so much better! It used to be very wandering and confusing. I have only a few small edits. Congratulations! :-)



#89 CS29

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Posted 05 August 2018 - 12:49 AM

Thanks for your help on my query!

 

Sixteen-year-old Sam Croft dreamed of becoming a veterinarian, traveling the world, and scuba diving, but now all his dreams are dead—just like him.  I'll agree with smithgirl here and say break this up into two sentences. I'd even remove the 'but', makes it a little more abrupt and punchier.

   

In Heaven, Sam wants to know what killed him and his parents. But most of their memories are locked away to ensure their bliss. Except, Sam remembers something his parents don't: his sister, Cara. Determined to find her, he searches Heaven and beyond, only to discover Cara has been sentenced to Hell. Her charge: The murder of her entire family. Ooh, I do like stories that take place in the afterlife. Nice.

 

What made his sister, a top student and a volunteer, turn to murder, Sam doesn’t know. But learning why might just unearth family secrets he tried all his life not to see. Cara, however, isn't satisfied with their deaths as she concocts a dangerous, yet brilliant plan to follow her parents up to Heaven. Sam worries. Although souls can’t be killed, they can suffer—for eternity. Certainly an interesting setup.

 

 

Being a pacifist, Sam tries talking her out of it, but words can’t hold her. Only a brutal fight will stop her, and Sam must will have to be as ruthless as Cara her to win. But when despair gives way to bloodlust, and sacrificing the innocent becomes a valid might reword the last few words here, reads bit awkwardly option, he realizes the fight is corrupting him. Sam must protect his parents at all costs, but it just might even if costs him his place in Heaven.  Might reword this to remove using 'cost' twice so close together too.

 

I really like your query. You set up an interesting story that intrigues me and establish the stakes well. Other than some nitpicking on my part, I think it's quite good. Good luck!



#90 SheWrites

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Posted 06 August 2018 - 03:18 PM

Just read this new version of your query - WOW! It's so much better ~ really good. 

 

NEWEST VERSION

 

Sixteen-year-old Sam Croft dreamed of becoming a veterinarian, traveling the world, and scuba diving. But now all his dreams are dead—just like him.  Great!

   

In Heaven, Sam wants to know what killed him and his parents. But most of their memories are locked away to ensure their bliss. Except, Sam remembers something his parents don't: his sister, Cara. Determined to find her, he searches Heaven and beyond, only to discover Cara has been sentenced to Hell. Her charge: The murder of her entire family. Wow! Great!

   

What made his sister, a top student and a volunteer, turn to murder, Sam doesn’t know. But learning why might just unearth family secrets he tried all his life not to see. Cara, however, isn't satisfied (one little thing here ~ I'm wondering why she isn't satisfied. She killed them so it must be something super bad they did to her that she hates them so much) with their deaths as she concocts a dangerous, yet brilliant plan to follow her parents up to Heaven. Sam worries. Although souls can’t be killed, they can suffer—for eternity. 

 

Being a pacifist, Sam tries talking her (Cara?) out of it, but words can’t hold her. (can't stop her?) Only a brutal fight will stop do that. Cara, no comma here and Sam must be as ruthless as her (this is where I'm still confused. Isn't Cara waging the fight? And if so, who is her?) to win. But when despair gives way to bloodlust, no comma here and sacrificing the innocent becomes a valid option, he realizes the fight is corrupting him. Sam must protect his parents at all costs, but it just might cost him his place in Heaven. 

 

Great job ~ just a little clarification I think.

 


#91 Kjcloutier19

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Posted 07 August 2018 - 01:05 AM

 

 

 

NEWEST VERSION

 

 

Sixteen-year-old Sam Croft dreamed of becoming a veterinarian, traveling the world, and scuba diving. But now all his dreams are dead—just like him.   (Damn! What a hook!) 

   

In Heaven, Sam wants to know what killed him and his parents. But most of their memories are locked away to ensure their bliss. Except, Sam remembers something his parents don't: his sister, Cara. Determined to find her, he searches Heaven and beyond, only to discover Cara has been sentenced to Hell. Her charge: The murder of her entire family. (Dun dun dunnnnn)

   

What made his sister, a top student and a volunteer, turn to murder, Sam doesn’t know. But learning why might just unearth family secrets he tried all his life not to see. Cara, however, isn't satisfied with their deaths as she concocts a dangerous, yet brilliant plan to follow her parents up to Heaven. Sam worries. Although souls can’t be killed, they can suffer—for eternity. (It's a little jarring when it seems like we're suddenly in Cara's point of view. Maybe you can say something like "When Same finds out Cara isn't satified...etc) And then the "Sam worries" part is very anticlimatic and doesn't really add anything. Of course that makes him worry. )

 

Being a pacifist, Sam tries talking her out of it, but words can’t hold her. Only a brutal fight will stop Cara, and Sam must be as ruthless as her to win. But when despair gives way to bloodlust, and sacrificing the innocent becomes a valid option, he realizes the fight is corrupting him. Sam must protect his parents at all costs, but it just might cost him his place in Heaven. 

 

This is a really good query! The only part that gave me pause was what I outlined above. And I suppose I'm also left wondering how one fights in Heaven and Hell? With swords? Magic? Though I don't know if that actually needs to be answered in the query or not. Other then that, everything else is great! You are so, so close! If you have time to have a look at my query, I'd appreciate that :) 

 

http://agentquerycon...on-ya-fantasy/ 

 

 



#92 W.P.

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Posted 07 August 2018 - 02:09 AM

Thanks so much for critiquing my query, everyone. I hope I was of help with yours as well. :D

 

This topic is closed for now. Again, thanks so much! 







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