When sixteen-year-old Sam Croft arrives at a meadow under a magenta sky, and is welcomed there by his late grandmother, he is bewildered to say the least. She tells him he's in heaven, but denial hits him hard, especially when his parents arrive moments later.
after him. Sam and his parents struggle to accept their deaths, especially when they have no memory of them it . (deaths = plural, so not it)
I think that, in this context, Heaven and Hell are capitalized, since they are being used to refer to those specific places, thus becoming proper nouns. Maybe you could check on that.
I would start a new paragraph below.
In heaven, negative memories are removed from the inhabitants' minds. But just as Sam is adjusting to his new home, memories he shouldn't have
remember return to him. Like memories of his sister, Cara, who'd se existence had been wiped from all of their minds. Repetitive word. Worried about what might've happened to her, Sam searches heaven for her, , and When he reaches a cliff, he thinks it's a dead end. But the God of heaven Isn't the god of heaven just God? appears to coax Sam into jumping off the cliff to find Cara. Gullible and kind, So Sam jumps …
And falls straight into hell. Here, all his memories return, including that of his death. Cara was the one who had him and his family murdered. Oh that's bad!
In hell, Sam learns of his sister’s plans and realizes that God
the god didn't want Sam to save her but to stop her. If he doesn't, she could be start ing a war between dimensions, a war that heaven is bound to lose. But the only way to stop Cara is for Sam to do evil, to kill her. Sam can save his family in Heaven by killing his sister, but if he does that he will spend eternity in Hell and never again see the family he saved. To protect his home and his family in heaven, he'll do anything to stop Cara. Even if it corrupts him, What do you mean corrupts him? even if he becomes someone who belongs in hell. But if Sam succumbs to the darkness within him, he will be locked out of heaven forever. I'm confused by this last sentence: What is Sam's darkness? Isn't he just trying to keep his sister from destroying Heaven? It also sounds like you're telling us the ending, because you state that Sam is willing to be locked in Heaven to see his family. You need to keep what will happen as a mystery.
Hi W.P. I'm very clear on the main events of your story, so good job there! I think your query tends to get wordy, and you also have a habit of repeating words and phrases (memories, to her, mind). Especially in such a short writing sample, these repetitions are very obvious. You should try to rephrase them bit, to make things less repetitive.
I made some recommendations to tighten it up a bit, and also for the ending. You're stealing your own thunder in the sense that you seem to give away Sam's decision: He will do whatever it takes to save his family, including having to stay in Hell. Wanting to know his decision makes us want to request your book. Don't give the answer away. Keep us intrigued.
I think you're close to a final version here, just some small changes.
Can you please look at my query when you can? Thanks! http://agentquerycon...ate-in-post-13/