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Hook: NIGHT OF SORROWS (YA Fantasy)


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#1 spineofiron

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Posted 27 April 2018 - 07:24 AM

I like to work on my query and pitch materials at the same time I work on my novel -- it helps keep me streamlined and figure out the essence of my book so I don't lose sight of it while writing. I also do a chapter-by-chapter outline at the beginning, so I generally know where I'm going, but anyway. I wrote a little elevator pitch hook for my novel, as well as the query hook, so any feedback (even at this early stage) is greatly appreciated!

 

 

Elevator Pitch: To earn a black-market wish to save her dying brother, a girl must help her pirate clan's enemies find a long-lost treasure.

 

Query Hook: Seventeen-year-old Louise Brunais has a treasure map that any pirate would gladly kill for. As a bloodthirsty pirate herself, she’d kill someone for it, too.


"I am a fire escape. My spine is made of iron, my heart pumps out old red paint."

-- Foster the People

 

-- -- --

 

NIGHT OF SORROWS

Query

Hook

250 Words


#2 giffordmac

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Posted 28 April 2018 - 03:03 PM

I like the query hook a lot, but the elevator pitch falls flat for me. I don't understand what a "black-market wish" is, and it lacks the detail of her age. I also think you might rephrase this section so you don't have the two modifiers together (which might lead to stumbling).

 

a girl must help her pirate clan's enemies

 

vs. a pirate girl must help her clan's enemies

 

 

Since you'll have up to 2 minutes for an elevator pitch, I think you can expand it a little more and get the details about her age in, as well as the fact that she's the only one with a map.

 

Good luck!


“We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.” ― Elie Wiesel

 

~~~

 

 

 

 


#3 spineofiron

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Posted 29 April 2018 - 02:14 PM

Thanks for the feedback, giffordmac -- I'm glad you like the query hook! I'm approaching an elevator pitch right now as a one-sentence concept that can summarize the plot and its conflict, like the first line in a starred review. I'm not worried about creating a two-minute pitch just yet. But I definitely see what you're saying about the modifiers and the black-market wish bit, so I've tried it again below!

 

Elevator pitch: To earn a wish to save her dying brother, a pirate girl must help her clan's rivals find a long-lost treasure.


"I am a fire escape. My spine is made of iron, my heart pumps out old red paint."

-- Foster the People

 

-- -- --

 

NIGHT OF SORROWS

Query

Hook

250 Words


#4 AsperBlurry

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Posted 04 May 2018 - 09:35 AM

As a fantasy reader, I think you have an interesting pitch. I would like to read your query as well :) 

I like to work on my query and pitch materials at the same time I work on my novel -- it helps keep me streamlined and figure out the essence of my book so I don't lose sight of it while writing. I also do a chapter-by-chapter outline at the beginning, so I generally know where I'm going, but anyway. I wrote a little elevator pitch hook for my novel, as well as the query hook, so any feedback (even at this early stage) is greatly appreciated!  That's actually a pretty good idea, I wish I thought about that while I was writing my novel! But on the other hand, I think it works better with plot driven fantasy books than a character driven ones. 

 

 

Elevator Pitch: To earn a black-market wish to save her dying brother, a girl must help her pirate clan's enemies find a long-lost treasure. (I'm not feeling this one, it just doesn't grab me like your query hook. And I don't understand what a black-market wish is.)

 

Query Hook: Seventeen-year-old Louise Brunais has a treasure map that any pirate would gladly kill for. As a bloodthirsty pirate herself, she’d kill someone for it, too.

Great hook, I have all the information I need to keep reading the query)

 

 

Thanks for the feedback, giffordmac -- I'm glad you like the query hook! I'm approaching an elevator pitch right now as a one-sentence concept that can summarize the plot and its conflict, like the first line in a starred review. I'm not worried about creating a two-minute pitch just yet. But I definitely see what you're saying about the modifiers and the black-market wish bit, so I've tried it again below!

 

Elevator pitch: To earn a wish to save her dying brother, a pirate girl must help her clan's rivals find a long-lost treasure. (now I get it, she wants to earn a wish! the black market in your first elevator pitch lost me, haha. I like it better now, but as Giffordmac said I would also include age. Then again I'm not sure what the elevator pitch is for. Do you put it in your query as well?



#5 spineofiron

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Posted 04 May 2018 - 12:05 PM

Thanks so much for the feedback, AsperBlurry! :smile: The elevator pitch isn't for my query -- I was essentially trying to get a one-sentence summary of the book, like they do with book reviews in Kirkus Reviews. Basically, if I had one line to describe my book to someone, that's what I'd say!


"I am a fire escape. My spine is made of iron, my heart pumps out old red paint."

-- Foster the People

 

-- -- --

 

NIGHT OF SORROWS

Query

Hook

250 Words


#6 punitrastogi

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Posted 07 May 2018 - 02:05 AM

Elevator Pitch: To earn a wish (I am not sure what "earn a wish" means. Is it a ransom for a cure? Or is it part of a magical story?) to save her dying brother, a pirate girl must help her clan's rivals find a long-lost treasure.

 

Query Hook: Seventeen-year-old Louise Brunais has a treasure map that any pirate would gladly kill for. As a bloodthirsty pirate herself, she’d kill someone for it, too. (If she has the map, why does she need to kill for it? I think it would be better if you bring the brother or the treasure angle here)



#7 AsperBlurry

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Posted 15 May 2018 - 07:02 AM

Ok, now I get it, I think that your elevator pitch will work then. And your hook is great! 

Thanks so much for the feedback, AsperBlurry! :smile: The elevator pitch isn't for my query -- I was essentially trying to get a one-sentence summary of the book, like they do with book reviews in Kirkus Reviews. Basically, if I had one line to describe my book to someone, that's what I'd say!

 

I read your hook one more time and I have a question:

 

Query Hook: Seventeen-year-old Louise Brunais has a treasure map that any pirate would gladly kill for. As a bloodthirsty pirate herself, she’d kill someone for it, too. Why would she need to kill someone for it if she has the map?  

 

I followed the topic to get notifications if you post a new version. Unless you have something new?

 

I’ve also posted the new version of my query so if you could take a look at it I would really appreciate it :)

http://agentquerycon...ary-revision-5/






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