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XXX, a units mission to save planet earth


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#1 conundrum

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Posted 28 April 2018 - 06:09 PM

XXX lives in a world of form, born into the world – planet earth – in the year 1964, a time of radical upheaval. Vietnam, counter social movements, hippies, experimentation in LSD, civil unrest in a diverse populace pushes the boundaries in social economic change; while a strongly held adult population holds to a mindset predating the Victorian era.

 

Born into the world of form as everyone else, XXX a conscious toddler unfolds quickly realizing the world she lives in does not represent the world she ultimately discovers behind the veil.

 

In present day reality XXX witnesses the darker side of human nature clinging to a world of illusion caste down by an invisible force with the ability to prey upon the behavioral weakness of the personality aspect of man.

 

XXX decides to confront this dark energy force, but clumsily is captured by an SPA (Specialized Probing Agent) from The Agency.

 

Forced to draw upon the inner world for her escape, XXX is guided through the wisdom and altruistic practices of a grumpy old Kodiak.

 

Trueblood, a descendant from Merlin’s academy of the White Arts, a white magician, enters upon the scene. A tattooed and pierced bartender and owner of the DEL (Drinking Establishment LTD) aiding her escape from The Agency, and in so doing so, must kill her.

 

Furthering her realization that death is just another illusion.  The darkness is about to penetrate the world behind the veil, preventing the light from reaching an unaware personality driven human race...

 



#2 conundrum

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Posted 28 April 2018 - 06:18 PM

Apologies, forgot to mention that I was looking for thoughts on genre placement and critiques. Thank you in advance for your response.



#3 Springfield

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Posted 28 April 2018 - 09:01 PM

This is the first 250 words?



#4 conundrum

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Posted 28 April 2018 - 09:42 PM

Not the first 250 words, but an attempt at a summation in 250 words. Seeking genre placement and any critique.

 

My responses by two agents so far...is one "not connecting despite its many charms" (the Query, epigraph and the Introduction, which is 15 pages - by their request). And second somewhat the same, with "not connecting, but I'm sure a story is in there somewhere." (Their request was different, describe myself, answer a few questions about experience, no query, and I included the Introduction).

 

If you could throw me a bone, I'd greatly appreciate it. Swimming against the current and getting fatigue :)



#5 Springfield

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Posted 28 April 2018 - 11:20 PM

I assume then you're working on a query -- you'll get more help if you post this in the query section. This is the section for the first 250 words, hence the q. In short, though, I have no clue what's going on in that. The XXX looks like a placeholder and the sentences just... don't make sense, like born into the world of form. No idea what that's meant to mean.



#6 rhwashere

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Posted 29 April 2018 - 12:37 AM

I second Springfield’s comments. I have no idea what’s happening in those words. I read it through twice and I still can’t figure it out. It reads like pseudo-philosophical mumbo jumbo (sorry if that’s harsh, but I don’t think I’d be doing you any favors by sugarcoating things). Here are the issues I see:

“A world of form” — a physical world? That’s implied.

“A strongly held adult population” — held what?

“A conscious toddler unfolds” — without a qualifier conscious just means not asleep, and how does a toddler unfold?

The entire run-on sentence that is the third paragraph. You’re using a lot of words to say very little. Also, I think you meant “cast”. “Caste” is a social class.

“Forced to draw upon the inner world for her escape” — having no clue what the inner world is, I don’t know what this means at all.

Then you introduce Merlin’s wizard school out of nowhere, followed by the sentence, “A tattooed... bartender... aiding her escape... and so doing must kill her.” The structure of the sentence isn’t proper and there is no reason discernible why aiding her escape requires him to kill her.

“Furthering her realization that death is just an illusion.” — this isn’t a complete sentence

“An unaware personality driven human race” — what?

In my opinion, I think you you could solve a lot of these problems by practicing word economy. I realize that everyone has their own style, but you bury whatever meaning you’re trying to convey under an avalanche of unnecessary verbage.

Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...51718/?p=356935


#7 Tanja

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Posted 29 April 2018 - 06:38 AM

I think what you have here is the query letter and not the first 250pgs to your book. If that's the case, you posted it in the wrong section. Place it here http://agentquerycon...uery-critiques/ And yes the XXX confuse. I used it as a place holder and that caused nothing but confusion. I'm not even going to mention what people/men thought it stood for :cool:

 

Also, you'll find some people who can't read between the lines and don't seem to understand any query. Get a thick skin and take out the good things. Ignore the rest.

 

as for genre placement, I suggest you write a quick note under the genre section (Genre Angst) and people will be able to help. I'm not familiar enough with your genre to suggest the best fit. But I'm certain you'll find the right answer there.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#8 conundrum

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Posted 29 April 2018 - 10:18 AM

Thank you for your responses - critiques. I needed this feedback. Now I understand what the agent(s) were saying about not connecting.

 

It does say in this Post: Share 250 Words for feedback. The opening of your novel. Something you wrote five minutes ago. Promo blurb for your book. Anything goes...so long as it is only 250 words.

 

I went with anything goes - sharing 250 words - of my MS.

 

I've taken for granted and didn't want to believe that we don't all realize we live in a form reality. And that we are a personality driven society. Most people believe in a after life, even the Atheist believes in some higher power. Consciousness is the higher self...that little voice inside that helps traverse you through life, which I call a world of form.  Anyway, I shouldn't have taken it for granted that not everyone understands this conceptual reality.

 

Mumbo jumbo - get that too, not like I haven't heard it before, and even have this in the MS, but I add crap at the end.  Mumbo jumbo crap.

 

Anyway, I'm persistent and I'm going to try again...



#9 Springfield

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Posted 29 April 2018 - 10:45 AM

Thank you for your responses - critiques. I needed this feedback. Now I understand what the agent(s) were saying about not connecting.

 

It does say in this Post: Share 250 Words for feedback. The opening of your novel. Something you wrote five minutes ago. Promo blurb for your book. Anything goes...so long as it is only 250 words.

 

I went with anything goes - sharing 250 words - of my MS.

 

I've taken for granted and didn't want to believe that we don't all realize we live in a form reality. And that we are a personality driven society. Most people believe in a after life, even the Atheist believes in some higher power. Consciousness is the higher self...that little voice inside that helps traverse you through life, which I call a world of form.  Anyway, I shouldn't have taken it for granted that not everyone understands this conceptual reality.

 

Mumbo jumbo - get that too, not like I haven't heard it before, and even have this in the MS, but I add crap at the end.  Mumbo jumbo crap.

 

Anyway, I'm persistent and I'm going to try again...

 

 

You can't expect agents, or anyone else, to understand phrases you made up for things. Queries belong in the query section -- this is for 250 words of like, prose or poetry. 



#10 conundrum

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Posted 29 April 2018 - 02:29 PM

*Note to the human personality-self: When the time comes to entertain the idea of assuming the physical form within the human kingdom in the matter of man, a selection must take place; a choice from which to choose a physical human life form on planet earth during the embryonic stage. However, this can vary depending on the circumstances of the spiritual being: individual history, ancestral lineage, time, and date, place of birth, et cetera, and et cetera. Yet, it doesn’t change the fact there are only two (2) selections; a limited option between the X and Y chromosome at the cellular level, male and female design, comprised of solid dense body mass in an array of shapes and sizes. And although awkward at first, you will discover if you haven’t already. Each gender aspect carries its own composite flaws when determining the positive and negative polarities of the human species, while still hopelessly bound to the physical world. In other words, no one’s perfect! (A mirror image of God struggling to reach a higher level of consciousness and so while doing, actively participating in this process will ensure an ungodly amount of lifetime experiences in order to guarantee the path will be arduous, if not habitual, fated to the form world, a world of non-reality, ripe with all its pain and suffering, before ever thinking of returning home from the place in which we all have come.)

Happy trails!



#11 spineofiron

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Posted 29 April 2018 - 08:09 PM

I'm still just... very confused by all of this. Because I've read every entry in this thread three times now, and I'm still not really sure what you're showing us. Is it a query, or an excerpt from your novel, or just 250 words of your plot concept?

 

All the jargon is absolutely messing with my head and getting a little philosophical, which is extremely confusing. If this is the concept behind your book, I am totally lost. If it's a query, I have no idea what your book is about. And if it's an excerpt, I have no sense of story and no idea what's coming next. I'm not trying to say that your book has to be a run-of-the-mill commercial novel like thousands that have sold before it, and I sort of get the sense that's what you're avoiding. But I'm lost. I can't begin to give you ideas on genre placement because I have no clue what you're trying to tell me.

 

I'm going to be honest: it's a word scramble. It looks like you shook out a thesaurus onto a table and picked up some words and threw them into a word processor. From what I'm getting (and I expect to be totally wrong), your story is about a girl living in 1964 who discovers that the world as she knows it isn't as it seems, and gets wrapped up in keeping the two worlds separate. Am I even anywhere close? 

 

Please, please: Tell us what you're talking about in plain English. I'm not trying to bash your style, and I truly apologize if any of this came off rude, but this is so convoluted that you're going to lose agents and editors before you have a chance to begin.


"I am a fire escape. My spine is made of iron, my heart pumps out old red paint."

-- Foster the People

 

-- -- --

 

NIGHT OF SORROWS

Query

Hook

250 Words


#12 Tanja

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Posted 30 April 2018 - 03:35 AM

*Note to the human personality-self: When the time comes to entertain the idea of assuming the physical form within the human kingdom in the matter of man, a selection must take place; a choice from which to choose a physical human life form on planet earth during the embryonic stage. However, this can vary depending on the circumstances of the spiritual being: individual history, ancestral lineage, time, and date, place of birth, et cetera, and et cetera. Yet, it doesn’t change the fact there are only two (2) selections; a limited option between the X and Y chromosome at the cellular level, male and female design, comprised of solid dense body mass in an array of shapes and sizes. And although awkward at first, you will discover if you haven’t already. Each gender aspect carries its own composite flaws when determining the positive and negative polarities of the human species, while still hopelessly bound to the physical world. In other words, no one’s perfect! (A mirror image of God struggling to reach a higher level of consciousness and so while doing, actively participating in this process will ensure an ungodly amount of lifetime experiences in order to guarantee the path will be arduous, if not habitual, fated to the form world, a world of non-reality, ripe with all its pain and suffering, before ever thinking of returning home from the place in which we all have come.)

Happy trails!

 

Brilliant. Love every sentence of it. This made my day.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#13 conundrum

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Posted 30 April 2018 - 09:32 AM

I'm still just... very confused by all of this. Because I've read every entry in this thread three times now, and I'm still not really sure what you're showing us. Is it a query, or an excerpt from your novel, or just 250 words of your plot concept? Sorry, I was going for anything goes as long as it's 250 words. It's a summation of the MS. I do agree, it reads like a query.

 

All the jargon is absolutely messing with my head (not my intention) and getting a little philosophical (metaphysical, but yes), which is extremely confusing (can be, I realize). If this is the concept behind your book, I am totally lost (hence the conundrum). If it's a query, I have no idea what your book is about. And if it's an excerpt, I have no sense of story and no idea what's coming next. I'm not trying to say that your book has to be a run-of-the-mill commercial novel like thousands that have sold before it, and I sort of get the sense that's what you're avoiding (yes). But I'm lost. I can't begin to give you ideas on genre placement because I have no clue what you're trying to tell me.

 

I'm going to be honest: it's a word scramble( like scrabble :) ). It looks like you shook out a thesaurus onto a table and picked up some words and threw them into a word processor (I've been a student of metaphysics for 30 yrs.). From what I'm getting (and I expect to be totally wrong), your story is about a girl living in 1964 who discovers that the world as she knows it isn't as it seems, and gets wrapped up in keeping the two worlds separate. Am I even anywhere close? (you're not only close, but spot on!).

 

Please, please: Tell us what you're talking about in plain English (okay). I'm not trying to bash your style, and I truly apologize if any of this came off rude(you're not rude, I understand that you're helping me), but this is so convoluted that you're going to lose agents and editors before you have a chance to begin(what's really at stake is losing the message intended for the reader - my mission.)

I'm really going to think this through and try again...in plain English, but you'll have to bear with the metaphysical jargon. You're right, however, if I want to reach a mainstream audience, I need to be mindful they might not be familiar with metaphysics. This is the intention of the MS to present metaphysics through story form with relatable characters. I have very mainstream characters in the MS that don't understand metaphysics and want to squash (kill it) rather than gain understanding. I do appreciate your feedback and it's very helpful. I, myself, don't want to offend anyone or appear rude in anyway :).



#14 conundrum

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Posted 30 April 2018 - 10:00 AM

Brilliant. Love every sentence of it. This made my day.

You've made my day! Thank you Tanja for your kind words. The excerpt is also from the MS, so I feel encouraged.



#15 spineofiron

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Posted 30 April 2018 - 10:11 AM

but you'll have to bear with the metaphysical jargon

 

I appreciate this to a point, but I don't know if an agent is going to react well to being told to "bear with" anything. I just want you to understand that this may turn people who don't want to sift through the jargon away. :smile: Even if an agent does understand what you're saying, they have to be mindful of the audience, too -- if the mainstream isn't going to understand it, then it won't sell to the mainstream.


"I am a fire escape. My spine is made of iron, my heart pumps out old red paint."

-- Foster the People

 

-- -- --

 

NIGHT OF SORROWS

Query

Hook

250 Words





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