Here's the new version: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356167
Remember to link me your query :)
Fifteen-year-old Punk is putting a blade to her skin. Suicide seems like the only way to forget. ((Although this beginning has a lot more impact, this doesn't read like a hook. The others read a lot more like a hook to me. I think it's because this beginning paints a picture and gives us a hint at conflict, but tells us no story. But it's just my opinion. Others might like it better))Her so-called friend,
who brought her cookies,rapes her at the party. At first, Punk tries to convince herself that she wanted to sleep with him. But the sudden realization of what really happened breaks her. ((I wonder if we need this. Although this is a good reaction and good conflict, it feels more like something in a synopsis and in the actual novel. Basically, too many details for a query, I think.))) Ashamed, she’s sure no one would believe her. Her guiltand ugly smirks on his face ((his sneers? <-- more concise. I also suggested removing "her guilt" because the previous sentence focused on her emotions, and so it just felt like repetition--even though it isn't)) at school push her into a haze of((not needed)) alcohol and drugs. A glimmer ofhope sneaks through her loneliness after Punk meets an older boy, Nihil. Beneath his rebellious appearance, there are kindness and desperate attempts to save her. Although scared of intimacy, Punk finds herself inside a world of romance. Filled with the fire of love and fights, tears, betrayal and joy ((I suggest keeping only three words ((the rule of three is always a good rule)). My suggestion: "Filled with joy, tears and betrayal.")). And his broken heart. ((I like this. has "punch" to it))But even Nihil’s love can’t quiet the self-destructive voices whispering in Punk’s head. It’s only when she overdoses, waking up in a pool of her own vomit, she realizes she has two choices. ((this paragraph is great))Letting go is easier. Seeking help and fighting her demons are as hard as getting up every day. ((this one isn't working for me.she still gets up everyday, meaning she still can ask fro help. even if it's super hard. and "letting go is easier" is too vague. ))\I like a lot of these changes. I do feel like the query is stronger overall. Although I think both the beginning and the ending still aren't quite there. But they are the hardest. One must hook, the other must make the agent NEED to read more. But you are definitely getting closer :)
Thank, you, W.P! I've actually added more details according to the suggestions :D And I feel like it's important to focus on Punk's feeling in the first paragraph. I came up with a different ending as well, I hope it's better.. And I'll get to your query asap!