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#1 Athena

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Posted 30 April 2018 - 09:11 AM

How is this hook? Any ways I can improve it? 

 

 

Tess has just a week’s holiday to find a missing person who’s been lost for two thousand years. She thought she had enough on her mind already, what with Dad sick and her younger brother Robin such a handful. But when uncanny intimations of the past bleed through into the present, imaginative Tess is drawn into the tragedy of another family, who lived at the time of the Roman invasion. 

 

The corner of the Welsh isle of Anglesey where Tess and her family are staying is apparently unremarkable, but at the beach the waves and the sea breeze carry more than salt, and at the ruined church the dark veil of yew seems all that hangs between the living and the dead. Tess and Robin discover that the Druids made their last stand against the Romans on this spot, and echoes of violence have haunted it ever since. A father was mysteriously torn from his family, and his daughter will never rest until she finds him, but she needs Tess and Robin’s help to overcome the fire-eyed hawk who guards the answer. A quest through natural magic and ancient myth eventually carries them to the heart of the secret, which is darker than they could ever have imagined.



#2 spineofiron

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Posted 30 April 2018 - 09:21 AM

Okay, so this concept sounds super neat -- as a lover of MG and YA, I would totally read this! :smile: It's a little long for a hook, though. Hooks are typically between one to three sentences in length (depending on whether it's a query hook, Twitter pitch, elevator pitch, etc.) and set up the characters, the essence of the plot, and what's at stake.

 

Character: Tess and Robin. Check!

 

Plot: Finding a person who's been lost for two thousand years. Check! (You could elaborate just a word or two more on this -- is the missing man a Druid? A Roman?) 

 

Stake: What happens if they don't find him? Why is it crucial that Tess and Robin are the ones to help in the quest? How are they involved? You mention "uncanny imitations of the past," which might be the bit you want to elaborate more on.

 

I'd recommend reading through a few of the hook threads in this forum and then coming back to tackle yours, just to see what hooks look like. I'm looking forward to seeing it, though!


"I am a fire escape. My spine is made of iron, my heart pumps out old red paint."

-- Foster the People

 

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NIGHT OF SORROWS

Query

Hook

250 Words


#3 Athena

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Posted 30 April 2018 - 09:29 AM

Thanks, great feedback! :smile: Maybe this isn't quite the right place for me to post this, though it turned out well because I ended up getting your valuable advice! I was wanting feedback on the whole pitch, not just the hook (it was stupid of me to post it here, given the forum is called 'hook') but that's why it's paragraph not just a few sentences. 



#4 spineofiron

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Posted 30 April 2018 - 10:05 AM

Not stupid at all -- don't feel bad! I may have misunderstood your intentions as well, which is my fault. :blush: Is this part of your query letter, or is this more like a two-minute elevator pitch?


"I am a fire escape. My spine is made of iron, my heart pumps out old red paint."

-- Foster the People

 

-- -- --

 

NIGHT OF SORROWS

Query

Hook

250 Words


#5 Athena

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Posted 30 April 2018 - 01:22 PM

Yeah, this was supposed to be the synopsis part of my query letter - but given that, I should have called it a pitch, not a hook. Never mind, your feedback was brilliant anyway! :)






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