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NIGHT OF SORROWS (YA Fantasy)

Fiction Fantasy Young Adult

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#1 spineofiron

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Posted 30 April 2018 - 10:23 AM

Slightly putting the cart before the horse, but I like to write my queries while I work on my novel drafts to frame the meat of my story and keep me on track. I've been shaping this one for a couple of weeks and would like to get some feedback on it from other pairs of eyes besides my own!

 

*

 

 

Dear [AGENT NAME],

 

Seventeen-year-old Louise Brunais has a treasure map that any pirate would gladly kill for. As a bloodthirsty pirate herself, she’d kill someone for it, too.

 

Louise and her pirate clan are searching for the Nuit de Tristesse treasure, a royal hoard that vanished over two hundred years ago. With the map, the help of a handsome navy-seaman-turned-prisoner, and a crew of brigands and bastards, she’s well on her way to becoming a legend. But she knows that all the riches in the sea won't save her dying brother, Ward, from the white sickness plaguing the Aquavian Commonwealth.

 

When a rival clan offers her a wish in exchange for her help in leading them to the treasure, the hunt becomes about more than gold and gems. In a territory where magic has been squashed out, a wish is a rare black-market find, worth more than every piece of eight she's ever seen. Louise knows a trade like that is bound to have strings attached.

 

Getting that wish means betraying her clan and indebting herself to her enemies -- but it’s her only chance to keep Ward alive. Battling sea monsters, exploring strange caves, and unearthing long-lost treasure might be the easy part.

 

NIGHT OF SORROWS is a young adult fantasy novel, complete at XX,XXX words. It is a standalone with series potential, and will appeal to fans of dark, weird magic and strong-willed heroines, like CARAVAL by Stephanie Garber and GRAY WOLF ISLAND by Tracey Neithercott.

 

[PERSONALIZATION AND INCLUDED MATERIAL HERE.] Thank you for your consideration.

 

Sincerely,

Me


"I am a fire escape. My spine is made of iron, my heart pumps out old red paint."

-- Foster the People

 

-- -- --

 

NIGHT OF SORROWS

Query

Hook

250 Words


#2 BrookeJS

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Posted 30 April 2018 - 12:54 PM

Slightly putting the cart before the horse, but I like to write my queries while I work on my novel drafts to frame the meat of my story and keep me on track. I've been shaping this one for a couple of weeks and would like to get some feedback on it from other pairs of eyes besides my own!

 

*

 

 

Dear [AGENT NAME],

 

Seventeen-year-old Louise Brunais has a treasure map that any pirate would gladly kill for. As a bloodthirsty pirate herself, she’d kill someone for it, too.

 

Louise and her pirate clan are searching for the Nuit de Tristesse treasure, a royal hoard that vanished over two hundred years ago. With the map, the help of a handsome navy-seaman-turned-prisoner, and a crew of brigands and bastards, she’s well on her way to becoming a legend. But she knows that all the riches in the sea won't save her dying brother, Ward, from the white sickness plaguing the Aquavian Commonwealth.

 

When a rival clan offers her a wish in exchange for her help in leading them to the treasure, the hunt becomes about more than gold and gems. In a territory where magic has been squashed out, a wish is a rare black-market find, worth more than every piece of eight she's ever seen. Louise knows a trade like that is bound to have strings attached.

 

Getting that wish means betraying her clan and indebting herself to her enemies -- but it’s her only chance to keep Ward alive. Battling sea monsters, exploring strange caves, and unearthing long-lost treasure might be the easy part.

 

NIGHT OF SORROWS is a young adult fantasy novel, complete at XX,XXX words. It is a standalone with series potential, and will appeal to fans of dark, weird magic and strong-willed heroines, like CARAVAL by Stephanie Garber and GRAY WOLF ISLAND by Tracey Neithercott.

 

[PERSONALIZATION AND INCLUDED MATERIAL HERE.] Thank you for your consideration.

 

Sincerely,

Me

 

Honestly, I'm not seeing anything to critique. Other's may find stuff I don't but I think this is really good. I feel like you cover all your basis you provide just enough information without it being too much, you tell me what the stakes are and I get a great feel for Louise (reminds me a little of Anne Bonny but in a fantasy setting). I really like this and I'd definitely read it!


If you have time I would love feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356112

If you could spare a moment I would really appreciate critiques on my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=355669

 


#3 spineofiron

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Posted 30 April 2018 - 01:59 PM

Oh, wow -- I didn't expect that at all! Thanks so much. :smile: I really appreciate hearing that!!


"I am a fire escape. My spine is made of iron, my heart pumps out old red paint."

-- Foster the People

 

-- -- --

 

NIGHT OF SORROWS

Query

Hook

250 Words


#4 Bkrasnik

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Posted 30 April 2018 - 03:45 PM

Slightly putting the cart before the horse, but I like to write my queries while I work on my novel drafts to frame the meat of my story and keep me on track. I've been shaping this one for a couple of weeks and would like to get some feedback on it from other pairs of eyes besides my own!

 

*

 

 

Dear [AGENT NAME],

 

Seventeen-year-old Louise Brunais has a treasure map that any pirate would gladly kill for. As a bloodthirsty pirate herself, she’d kill someone for it, too (This doesn't fully make sense because she already has the map. You might want to clarify by saying, "if she didn't have the map, she'd kill someone for it.")

 

Louise and her pirate clan are searching for the Nuit de Tristesse treasure, a royal hoard that vanished over two hundred years ago. With the map, the help of a handsome navy-seaman-turned-prisoner, and a crew of brigands and bastards, she’s well on her way to becoming a legend. But she knows that all the riches in the sea won't save her dying brother, Ward, from the white sickness plaguing the Aquavian Commonwealth. (Good.) 

 

When a rival clan offers her a wish in exchange for her help in leading them to the treasure, the hunt becomes about more than gold and gems (you might want to reword this). In a territory where magic has been squashed out, a wish is a rare black-market find, worth more than every piece of eight she's ever seen. Louise knows a trade like that is bound to have strings attached.

 

Getting that wish means betraying her clan and indebting herself to her enemies -- but it’s her only chance to keep Ward alive. (Very good stakes.) Battling sea monsters, exploring strange caves, and unearthing long-lost treasure might be the easy part.(I feel like this could be written a little better). 

 

NIGHT OF SORROWS is a young adult fantasy novel, complete at XX,XXX words. It is a standalone with series potential, and will appeal to fans of dark, weird magic and strong-willed heroines, like CARAVAL by Stephanie Garber and GRAY WOLF ISLAND by Tracey Neithercott.

 

[PERSONALIZATION AND INCLUDED MATERIAL HERE.] Thank you for your consideration.

 

Sincerely,

Me

 

Hi Spineofiron,

 

I will have to echo BrookeJS's comments. You have a very good query--interesting plot line with good stakes and a compassionate character who loves her brother. It only needs a few tweaks before it's ready to go (in my opinion.) Great job! 


Have a moment to offer up some very much appreciated feedback? :)

My Young Adult Dystopian Query: http://agentquerycon...ate-on-post-15/


#5 W.P.

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Posted 01 May 2018 - 02:29 AM

What a great query! Definitely made me go “I want to read that book now!” Everything is clear, and exciting. I think what others might find (which I cannot) are small things to tweak. Great job! Really wish I could be of help. All I can say is that I’d start querying if my query was that good. xD

#6 spineofiron

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Posted 01 May 2018 - 06:42 AM

Thank you all for your feedback! :) This is so encouraging, and not at all what I expected. I'm going to work on tweaking just the end of my hook, because I agree it could be worded just a little more strongly. I'll pop back in here with another edit soon!


"I am a fire escape. My spine is made of iron, my heart pumps out old red paint."

-- Foster the People

 

-- -- --

 

NIGHT OF SORROWS

Query

Hook

250 Words


#7 Kelz1990

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Posted 01 May 2018 - 01:03 PM

Slightly putting the cart before the horse, but I like to write my queries while I work on my novel drafts to frame the meat of my story and keep me on track. I've been shaping this one for a couple of weeks and would like to get some feedback on it from other pairs of eyes besides my own!

 

*

 

 

Dear [AGENT NAME],

 

Seventeen-year-old Louise Brunais has a treasure map that any pirate would gladly kill for. As a bloodthirsty pirate herself, she’d kill someone for it, too. (Like the hook!)

 

Louise and her pirate clan are searching for the Nuit de Tristesse treasure, a royal hoard that vanished over two hundred years ago. With the map, the help of a handsome navy-seaman-turned-prisoner, and a crew of brigands and bastards, she’s well on her way to becoming a legend. But she knows that all the riches in the sea won't save her dying brother, Ward, from the white sickness plaguing the Aquavian Commonwealth.

 

When a rival clan offers her a wish in exchange for her help in leading them to the treasure, the hunt becomes about more than gold and gems. In a territory where magic has been squashed out, a wish is a rare black-market find, worth more than every piece of eight she's ever seen. Louise knows a trade like that is bound to have strings attached.

 

Getting that wish means betraying her clan and indebting herself to her enemies -- but it’s her only chance to keep Ward alive. Battling sea monsters, exploring strange caves, and unearthing long-lost treasure might be the easy part.

 

NIGHT OF SORROWS is a young adult fantasy novel, complete at XX,XXX words. It is a standalone with series potential, and will appeal to fans of dark, weird magic and strong-willed heroines, like CARAVAL by Stephanie Garber and GRAY WOLF ISLAND by Tracey Neithercott.

 

[PERSONALIZATION AND INCLUDED MATERIAL HERE.] Thank you for your consideration.

 

Sincerely,

Me

 

I couldn't find anything to critique here. Like others have said, you've pretty much covered the basics of a query (goals, obstacles, and stakes). I'd definitely want to read more if I were an agent.



#8 RoseGlacier

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Posted 01 May 2018 - 03:35 PM

I think this query is great. It has all the essential elements, it's to the point, it conveys the stakes and emotional center of the story while giving us a bit of the main character's personality. There are some colorful touches, like the sea monsters and caves. Nice job. I love the idea of creating a query before or during the writing process. I think that's a great way to distill the essence of your story and stay on track.



#9 spineofiron

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Posted 01 May 2018 - 06:46 PM

Thank you all so much!  :smile: I've really found writing this query helpful to keep me on focus, and it's pushing me to develop the story, too, which I love.

 

I changed the hook just slightly per BrookeJS's suggestion: Seventeen-year-old Louise Brunais has a treasure map that any pirate would gladly kill for. As a bloodthirsty pirate herself, she’d want to kill someone for it, too. 

 

Stick to the first one, or go with the new one?


"I am a fire escape. My spine is made of iron, my heart pumps out old red paint."

-- Foster the People

 

-- -- --

 

NIGHT OF SORROWS

Query

Hook

250 Words






Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Fiction, Fantasy, Young Adult

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