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[Answered, Thanks!]- GUARDIANS, YA Fantasy


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Poll: Which version do you prefer? (3 member(s) have cast votes)

Which version do you prefer?

  1. Version A (1 votes [33.33%])

    Percentage of vote: 33.33%

  2. Version B (2 votes [66.67%])

    Percentage of vote: 66.67%

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#21 AsperBlurry

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Posted 15 May 2018 - 07:16 AM

Haha, thanks! In Sicily, I heard I'm a strawberry :D 

Anyway, I’ve posted the new version of my query so I would be happy to get your feedback :)

http://agentquerycon...ary-revision-5/

 

;) Thank you! You're a peach! If only I had a peach emoji! 

 

Ok, and as promised here's my feedback:

Note: Every time I change this... I change it A LOT. Urf. Is it just me, or is this harder than the book itself? It's like a totally different language. 

 

**

 

 

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen. As I said before it’s a great hook. One question though – are those fantasy or imaginary friends?

 

Genny hasn’t missed Zxix, her foul-mouthed, dragon like imaginary friend from childhood. So when he reappears years later, demanding her help, it’s not a welcome reunion. All she wants is to fly under the radar at her new school, but that’s going to be hard if she’s losing her grip on reality. Soon, she’s as infamous as schizophrenic classmate Leo Ward.

 

When Genny realizes she and Leo are hearing the same voices, she will uncover the true nature of their so called imaginary friends. Zxix and his people are Guardians, a race of beings once symbiotic with humanity until a terrible mistake enslaved them for millennia. Now each Guardian is trapped, bonded to a human who unwittingly determines their every move. (I like it, it gives me enough info about the Guardians to keep me interested)

 

Genny will undertake a mission to deliver Zxix to his ancestral homeland, where he might free his people. But her quest is overshadowed by a growing threat- Leo’s newfound ability to exploit the Guardians for his own gain. He opposes their freedom- and anyone who seeks it- through violence and control.

(I wonder why, what are his motives? And are the Guardians so called imaginary or do they actually exist? I’m not sure if she’s a schizophrenic as well?) 

As Genny discovers the possibilities of a world where no one is ever alone, she will struggle to rise above the temptation of power, all the while questioning whether she has the right to make choices that will change the world forever. (I like the ending, but I’m a bit confused. What’s the main focus in your book – schizophrenia or human urges when it comes to power?)

 

Ok, so I’m intrigued and I think you have an interesting story, good job! The only thing that’s still not clear for me is if you want to explore the mental illness or the world of the Guardians and how it intertwines with ours.  

 

 



#22 Heliagrey

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Posted 15 May 2018 - 09:01 AM

Okay, loves-  one last request- here are two slightly different versions. A & B. Which do you prefer? Remember, I'll always crit back, just drop links! :)

 

A:

 

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen.

 

Genny hasn’t missed Zxix, the foul-mouthed, dragon-like creature from her childhood. So when he reappears years later, demanding help, it’s not a welcome reunion. She just wants to fly under the radar at her new school, but that’s going to be difficult if she’s losing her grip on reality. Soon, she’s as infamous as Leo Ward, a classmate tormented with voices all his life.

 

But when Genny realizes she and Leo are hearing the same voices, she will uncover the true nature of her not-so-imaginary friend. Zxix is a Guardian, one of a race of beings once symbiotic with humanity until a terrible mistake enslaved them for millennia. Now each Guardian is trapped, bonded to a human who unwittingly determines their every move. Genny and Leo are the first humans in two millennia to see or hear their trapped Guardians, and they don’t know why- or how.

 

Genny seeks to uncover the truth as she journeys to deliver Zxix to his ancestral homeland to free his people. But her quest will be overshadowed by a dark threat. When Leo discovers his ability to control the Guardians, he will not only work to seek to silence the voices that have plagued him, but to gain a sense of control he’s never had - even if it means stopping Genny and Zxix- at any cost.

 

Now, with only a sarcastic Guardian to guide her, and the help of new friends, Genny must find a way to stop Leo before he brings both human and Guardian kind to war.   

 

 

B:

 

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen.

 

Genny hasn’t missed Zxix, her foul-mouthed, dragon-like imaginary friend from childhood. So when he reappears years later, demanding help, it’s not a welcome reunion. She just wanted to fly under the radar at her new school, but soon her infamy is second only to schizophrenic classmate Leo Ward. Only after realizing that she and Leo are hearing the same voices is Genny willing to accept Zxix’s claims that things are not always as they appear.

 

Zxix and his people are Guardians, a race of beings whose once symbiotic bond with humanity was severed by a terrible mistake. Genny and Leo are the first humans in two millennia to see or hear the trapped Guardians, and they don’t know why- or how. While Genny seeks the truth, Leo works to exploit the powerful creatures after discovering that each Guardian is at the mercy of the human it’s enslaved to. At first, he’s content to silence the voices that plagued him all his life, but as Leo grows in confidence, his experiments will lead to violent acts of manipulation. 

 

Genny’s mission to deliver Zxix to his ancestral homeland to free his people is overshadowed by the growing threat of Leo’s power. With only a sarcastic Guardian to guide her, and the help of new friends, Genny must find a way to stop Leo before he brings both human and Guardian kind to war.   

 

 

 

(Note): I have the last paragraph, my publishing credits/awards etc., and am comfortable with that, so I'm not adding that here for critique. :) 



#23 yawriter

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Posted 15 May 2018 - 10:49 AM

[EDIT]:  Link me yours, I'll always crit back! :) 

 

Okay, loves-  one last request- here are two slightly different versions. A & B. Which do you prefer? Remember, I'll always crit back, just drop links! :)

 

A: I followed this version much better, so I will review this one :)

 

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen.

 

Genny hasn’t missed Zxix, the foul-mouthed, dragon-like creature from her childhood. So when he reappears years later, demanding help, it’s not a welcome reunion. She just wants to fly under the radar at her new school, but that’s going to be  is difficult if she’s losing her grip on reality. Soon, she’s as infamous as Leo Ward, a classmate tormented with voices all his life.

 

But when Genny realizes she and Leo are hearing the same voices, she will uncover uncovers the true nature of her not-so-imaginary friend. Zxix is a Guardian. one of a race of beings A being once symbiotic with humanity until a terrible mistake enslaved them for millennia. Now each Guardian is trapped, bonded to a human who unwittingly determines their every move. Genny and Leo are the first humans in two millennia to see or hear their trapped Guardians, and they don’t know why- or how.

 

Genny seeks to uncover the truth as she journeys to deliver Zxix to his ancestral homeland to free his people. But her quest will be overshadowed by a dark threat. When Leo discovers his ability to control the Guardians and will not only work to seek to silence the voices that have plagued him, but to gain a sense of control he’s never had - even if it means stopping Genny and Zxix- at any cost.

 

Now, with only a sarcastic Guardian to guide her, and the help of new friends, Genny must find a way to stop Leo before he brings both human and Guardian kind to war.   

 

 

I don't really know if you even need that last sentence. The stakes are pretty high at the end. My edits are only to make it flow a little better and cut out some of the word count. Take it or leave it.  Some of the tenses changed from present to future, so I changed those too :) Great job!

 

 

 

http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356637

 



#24 AsperBlurry

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Posted 16 May 2018 - 07:17 AM

 

Okay, loves-  one last request- here are two slightly different versions. A & B. Which do you prefer? Remember, I'll always crit back, just drop links! :)

 

A: I like this one better so I'll comment on it:

 

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen.

 

Genny hasn’t missed Zxix, the foul-mouthed, dragon-like creature from her childhood. So when he reappears years later, demanding help, it’s not a welcome reunion. She just wants to fly under the radar at her new school, but that’s going to be difficult if she’s losing her grip on reality. Soon, she’s as infamous as Leo Ward, a schizophrenic classmate tormented with voices all his life.

 

But when Genny realizes she and Leo are hearing the same voices, she will uncover the true nature of her not-so-imaginary friend. Zxix is a Guardian, one of a race of beings once symbiotic with humanity until a terrible mistake enslaved them for millennia. Now each Guardian is trapped, bonded to a human who unwittingly determines their every move. Genny and Leo are the first humans in two millennia to see or hear their trapped Guardians, and they don’t know why- or how. (it's great you've added that. It explains that Guardians are not so imaginary after all)

 

Genny seeks to uncover the truth as she journeys to deliver Zxix to his ancestral homeland to free his people. But her quest will be overshadowed by a dark threat. When Leo discovers his ability to control the Guardians, he will not only work to seek to silence the voices that have plagued him, but to gain a sense of control he’s never had - even if it means stopping Genny and Zxix- at any cost.

 

Now, with only a sarcastic Guardian to guide her, and the help of new friends (who are they? The Guardians?), Genny must find a way to stop Leo before he brings both human and Guardian kind to war.   Yes, I think I have a better understanding of the story now and I really like the ending

 

I'm not sure what to add. For me the query is very good and as a reader I'd like to read your story :)

Did you think about participating in #PITMAD? I'm going to give it a try! 

 

Ok, so here's the new version of my query, please take a look at it: http://agentqueryconnect.com/index.php?/topic/38790-behind-the-ghost-metropolis-ya-contemporary-latest-version-in-the-1st-post/ 

 



#25 Tree

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Posted Yesterday, 09:05 PM

 

Okay, loves-  one last request- here are two slightly different versions. A & B. Which do you prefer? Remember, I'll always crit back, just drop links! :)

 

I voted for B and have very few things to add. I think it's great. 

 

B:

 

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen.  Awesome.

 

Genny hasn’t missed Zxix, her foul-mouthed, dragon-like imaginary friend from childhood. So when he reappears years later, demanding help, it’s not a welcome reunion. She just wanteds to fly under the radar at her new school, but soon her infamy is second only to schizophrenic classmate Leo Ward. Genny doesn't accept Zxix’s claims that things are not as they appear until she realizes that she and Leo are hearing the same voices. [tried to simplify the sentence structure here]

 

Zxix and his people are Guardians, a race of beings whose once symbiotic bond with humanity was severed by a terrible mistake. is it possible to  be specific about the mistake? Genny and Leo are the first humans in two millennia to see or hear the trapped Guardians, and they don’t know why- or how. While Genny seeks the truth, Leo  discovers that each Guardian is at the mercy of the human it’s enslaved to and works to exploits the powerful creatures after . At first, he’s content to silence the voices that plagued him all his life, but as Leo grows in confidence, his experiments will lead to violent acts of manipulation. 

 

Genny’s mission to deliver Zxix to his ancestral homeland to free his people is overshadowed by the growing threat of Leo’s power. With only a sarcastic Guardian to guide her, and the help of new friends, Genny must find a way to stop Leo before he brings both human and Guardian kind to war.   

 

 

 

(Note): I have the last paragraph, my publishing credits/awards etc., and am comfortable with that, so I'm not adding that here for critique. :) 

 



#26 lnloft

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Posted Yesterday, 09:26 PM

Returning the critique. :smile: I like how Leo's villainy is introduced better in A, so I'm going with that one. A makes him feel more like a tragic villain who is reacting because of his lack of control earlier in life, versus B just makes him seem like he's a power-hungry dick.

 

Okay, loves-  one last request- here are two slightly different versions. A & B. Which do you prefer? Remember, I'll always crit back, just drop links! :)

 

A:

 

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen. Solid hook.

 

Genny hasn’t missed Zxix How in the world is this supposed to be pronounced?, the foul-mouthed So, when you realize that he's real, it makes sense that he can be foul-mouthed, but my first thought was that, man, she was a screwy eight-year-old if she had an imaginary friend that cussed. That being said, I have a feeling most people will just be amused and move on (and I am amused as well)., dragon-like creature from her childhood. So when he reappears years later, demanding help, it’s not a welcome reunion. She just wants to fly under the radar at her new school, but that’s going to be difficult if she’s losing her grip on reality. Soon, she’s as infamous I feel like I want to see some reason why she becomes infamous. Because my initial interpretation is that she's trying hard to play it cool with Zxix buzzing around her. Others might disagree, but I guess just some indication that she's outwardly reacting where others can see might be nice. as Leo Ward, a classmate tormented with voices all his life.

 

But when Genny realizes she and Leo are hearing the same voices, she will uncover Why is this in the future tense? It jarred me a little. the true nature of her not-so-imaginary friend. Zxix is a Guardian, one of a race of beings once symbiotic with humanity until a terrible mistake enslaved them for millennia. Now each Guardian is trapped, bonded to a human who unwittingly determines their every move. Genny and Leo are the first humans in two millennia to see or hear their trapped Guardians, and they don’t know why—[dash. If you can't make it on your computer, just copy and paste this one] or how.

 

Genny seeks to uncover the truth as she journeys to deliver Zxix to his ancestral homeland Journey where? How? Is it somewhere on Earth? I'm imagining it more of a spectral realm, but then how does she get there? to free his people. But her quest will be overshadowed by a dark threat. When Leo discovers his ability to control the Guardians, he will not only work to seek to silence the voices that have plagued him, but to gain a sense of control he’s never had—[dash again, and below. Hyphens masquerading as dashes is a pet peeve of mine] even if it means stopping Genny and Zxixat any cost. Actually, I don't know if you need the second dash. I feel like it breaks up the flow too much, so I would just make it a comma. Although I also wonder if you need "at any cost" at all. It's a pretty commonly used phrase. (Have I used it recently? I might have used it recently in one of my drafts.)

 

Now, with only a sarcastic I'm not actually sure I like having "sarcastic" here. I mean, sarcastic side-kicks are pretty common. I'm not objecting to him being that way in the manuscript, mind, but in the query it feels a little "trying-too-hard". Guardian to guide her, and the help of new friends, I don't feel like we need this Genny must find a way to stop Leo before he brings both human and Guardian kind to war. But if the humans already determine what the Guardians do, and if the humans can't sense them, then how are they even going to be able to fight? 

 

 

B:

 

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen.

 

Genny hasn’t missed Zxix, her foul-mouthed, dragon-like imaginary friend from childhood. So when he reappears years later, demanding help, it’s not a welcome reunion. She just wanted to fly under the radar at her new school, but soon her infamy is second only to schizophrenic classmate Leo Ward. Only after realizing that she and Leo are hearing the same voices is Genny willing to accept Zxix’s claims that things are not always as they appear.

 

Zxix and his people are Guardians, a race of beings whose once symbiotic bond with humanity was severed by a terrible mistake. Genny and Leo are the first humans in two millennia to see or hear the trapped Guardians, and they don’t know why- or how. While Genny seeks the truth, Leo works to exploit the powerful creatures after discovering that each Guardian is at the mercy of the human it’s enslaved to. At first, he’s content to silence the voices that plagued him all his life, but as Leo grows in confidence, his experiments will lead to violent acts of manipulation. 

 

Genny’s mission to deliver Zxix to his ancestral homeland to free his people is overshadowed by the growing threat of Leo’s power. With only a sarcastic Guardian to guide her, and the help of new friends, Genny must find a way to stop Leo before he brings both human and Guardian kind to war.   

 

 

 

(Note): I have the last paragraph, my publishing credits/awards etc., and am comfortable with that, so I'm not adding that here for critique. :) 

 

I blued that up quite a bit, but overall I like it. It's mostly clear, and it sounds like a fun story. And as I noted above, the biggest reason I liked that version was because it presents Leo as a tragic villain. I hope that's how you want him to come across, because it's to see a villain who isn't just in it for the Evulz. Good luck.


If you found my feedback useful, I'd appreciate yours: Ouroboros





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