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#1 Heliagrey

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Posted 01 May 2018 - 10:16 AM

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen.

 

When Zxix, the foul-mouthed, dragon-like creature from Genny’s childhood reappears and demands her help, the reunion isn’t a welcome one. Genny wants to fly under the radar at her new school, but incognito is a hard game to play when you’re losing your grip on reality. Soon she’s as infamous as Leo Ward, a classmate tormented by voices all his life.

 

It’s then Genny realizes she and Leo hear the same voices, and uncovers the true nature of her not-so-imaginary friend. Zxix is a Guardian, a race of beings once symbiotic with humanity. Powerful, magic-wielding tribes of human-Guardian pairs once populated the earth until a terrible mistake severed the connection, imprisoning the Guardians in painful limbo. Genny, the first person in two millennia to see them, soon learns how to extend her Guardian sight to those around her. But after her “gift” to one classmate breaks his mind and shatters his free will, she discovers the awful price to be paid for the creatures return. Not everyone will be safely reconnected to their Guardians.

 

Soon, Genny is smothered in others’ expectations of her. Zxix wants her to deliver him to his ancestral homeland, where he can restore his people to Earth and reignite humanity’s long lost magic. Leo wants her to kill the voices forever, whatever the cost to the Guardians. As Genny struggles with the weight of a decision so much larger than herself, only one thing is clear. Whatever she chooses, there will be casualties.

 

 

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen.

 

When Zxix, the foul-mouthed, dragon-like creature from Genny’s childhood reappears and demands her help, the reunion isn’t a welcome one. Genny wants to fly under the radar at her new school, but incognito is a hard game to play when you’re losing your grip on reality. Soon she’s as infamous as Leo Ward, a classmate tormented by voices all his life.

 

It’s then Genny realizes she and Leo hear the same voices, and uncovers the true nature of her not-so-imaginary friend. Zxix is a Guardian, a race of beings once symbiotic with humanity. Powerful, magic-wielding tribes of human-Guardian pairs once populated the earth until a terrible mistake severed the connection, imprisoning the Guardians in painful limbo. Genny, the first person in two millennia to see them, soon learns how to extend her Guardian sight to those around her. But after her “gift” to one classmate breaks his mind and shatters his free will, she discovers the awful price to be paid for the creatures return. Not everyone will be safely reconnected to their Guardians.

 

 

Zxix asks her deliver him to his ancestral homeland, where he will restore his people to Earth and reignite humanity’s long lost magic. But Genny struggles with an impossible moral dilemma: condemn the Guardians to eternal captivity, or sacrifice the few for the hope of a better future for the many. 

 

 

 

((I want a better way to say that ending. It rankles me. Please suggest line edits. I left it VERY STARK here so my point doesn't get muddled and you know what the actual dilemma is- but it feels like someone chopped the tail off this thing. I'm trying to find a way to say... in this clipped format... that the stakes are more than just the grand question of who lives and who dies- which is a big, global thing that Genny unfortunately has to shoulder- but it's also inside her. Morality isn't just a question, but a conception of the meaning of life. For Genny to have to carry the weight of a decision so much larger than her is eating her up inside.))



#2 Kelz1990

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Posted 01 May 2018 - 12:57 PM

I have looked at this... far too many times. I would love some outside eyes to help shape it- and by that I mean, I'm dreading outside eyes, but I know how necessary it is. I'm previously published, but not in this genre. The book has so many working parts, it feels like the query blurb is such a hollow rendition of it. So- trying to pick out which cogs of the machine I can sacrifice and still have the sucker hobble along! 

 

Thank you for your suggestions. In particular, I'm irritated with the last two sentences- so suggestions of ways to close it in a non-eye rolling way would be greatly appreciated.

 

**

 

Two weeks after Genny Engalls’s sixteenth birthday, her imaginary friend reappears. She last saw the reptilian Zxix in third grade, and hasn’t missed him. Zxix is foul-mouthed, abrasive, and his timing is terrible. Genny’s still reeling from the events of summer: (How long ago was the summer you're talking about? The previous one? A few years ago?) her father’s sudden death, the family’s return to their hometown, and an unhappy reunion with someone else she thought she’d left in the past. The years haven’t been kind to Leo Ward. Okay, so we jumped to different characters. Yes, he was supposed to have been her best friend, but I'd reword it so that it can be stated early on, even before mentioning Zxix. Once Genny’s best friend, Leo has become an angry recluse consumed by a dark secret - his own imaginary friend never left.

 

Genny will discover that Zxix is neither imaginary nor a friend. He’s a Guardian, one of a race of immortals who bond to humans for life. I think you should mention how she can see Zxix if he's described as once an imaginary friend. Would it be similar to how they're seen in the cartoon "Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends"? Guardians are meant to shape and guard the powerful abilities of humanity’s six tribes, but thanks to Zxix’s ancient mistake, no one on Earth can see or hear the fantastical creatures at their sides. The Guardians have been trapped, unseen and powerless, for two millennia. It’s a lot for shy, self-professed “unremarkable Genny” to take in, especially when she discovers that time is running out to restore the Guardians to Earth. She Genny would love nothing more than to leave it to Zxix, but (I deleted the comma) much to his chagrin, he can only go where she leads.

 

But not everyone is fighting to save the Guardians. While this unlikely heroine navigates the challenges of a world where no one is ever truly alone, repairing the bonds and gathering new allies, Leo amasses an army that marches on the power of enslaved Guardians. Is this multi-POV? As his faction grows in influence and in size, Genny is forced to question what sacrifices she’s willing to make, and if her life will ever be normal again.

 

What else to insert: Title, genre (YA Contemporary Fantasy), word count, if it's multi-POV, if it's a  "stand alone with series potential," and any comp titles. 

 

Hope this helps!



#3 Heliagrey

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Posted 01 May 2018 - 01:18 PM

Hope this helps!

 

Ah, bless your outside eyes! Yes, thank you. Your catch of the 'which summer is this' is esp helpful. A question- when you mentioned introducing the Leo character before Zxix, do you have a suggestion on how? ...Because right now the Zxix intro flows out of the hook. 

 

I agree that the Leo intro is a little challenging, and have gone back and forth on how to fit him in, but he's also the main antagonist, so he should be in there. Also, to answer your q, it's not a multi-pov, so there's a puzzle there in how I can make that clearer that the story is told from Genny's POV.

 

Any suggestions?



#4 Kelz1990

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Posted 01 May 2018 - 01:22 PM

Ah, bless your outside eyes! Yes, thank you. Your catch of the 'which summer is this' is esp helpful. A question- when you mentioned introducing the Leo character before Zxix, do you have a suggestion on how? ...Because right now the Zxix intro flows out of the hook. 

 

I agree that the Leo intro is a little challenging, and have gone back and forth on how to fit him in, but he's also the main antagonist, so he should be in there. Also, to answer your q, it's not a multi-pov, so there's a puzzle there in how I can make that clearer that the story is told from Genny's POV.

 

Any suggestions?

 

All I can think of is to cut "The years haven't been kind to Leo Ward," and to incorporate more of how Leo's motives will impact Genny.



#5 Bkrasnik

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Posted 01 May 2018 - 03:58 PM

I have looked at this... far too many times. I would love some outside eyes to help shape it- and by that I mean, I'm dreading outside eyes, but I know how necessary it is. I'm previously published, but not in this genre. The book has so many working parts, it feels like the query blurb is such a hollow rendition of it. So- trying to pick out which cogs of the machine I can sacrifice and still have the sucker hobble along! 

 

Thank you for your suggestions. In particular, I'm irritated with the last two sentences- so suggestions of ways to close it in a non-eye rolling way would be greatly appreciated.

 

**

 

Two weeks after Genny Engalls’s sixteenth birthday, her imaginary friend reappears. She last saw the reptilian Zxix in third grade, and hasn’t missed him. Zxix is foul-mouthed, abrasive, and his timing is terrible. Genny’s still reeling from the events of this summer: her father’s sudden death, the family’s return to their hometown, and an unhappy reunion with someone else she thought she’d left in the past. The years haven’t been kind to Leo Ward.(I am assuming the unhappy reunion was with Leo? If so, I don't  think the sentence I highlighted in blue is a good transition here. It is not immediately clear that you are referring to the person she left in the past, and instead it seems like you are randomly introducing a new character in the query.) Once Genny’s best friend, Leo has become an angry recluse consumed by a dark secret - his own imaginary friend never left. (This content shouldn't belong in the hook, it's mainly background information. You need to answer these three questions in the hook: What does the character what? What keeps her from getting it? And what are the stakes?)

 

Genny will discover that Zxix is neither imaginary nor a friend. He’s a Guardian, one of a race of immortals who bond to humans for life. Guardians are meant to shape and guard the powerful abilities of humanity’s six tribes, but thanks to Zxix’s ancient mistake, no one on Earth can see or hear the fantastical creatures at their sides (interesting, but you should provide background on what these six tribes are) The Guardians have been trapped, unseen and powerless, for two millennia. It’s a lot for shy, self-professed “unremarkable Genny” to take in, especially when she discovers that time is running out to restore the Guardians to Earth (you need to tell us this earlier on). She would love nothing more than to leave it to Zxix, but, much to his chagrin, he can only go where she leads.

 

But not everyone is fighting to save the Guardians. (There is no cohesion between these two sentences--you need to tell us what these other people are doing that are not fighting guardians.) While this unlikely heroine navigates the challenges of a world where no one is ever truly alone, repairing the bonds and gathering new allies (you need to provide context on this), Leo amasses an army that marches on the power of enslaved Guardians (I have no idea what you are talking about). As his faction grows in influence and in size, Genny is forced to question what sacrifices she’s willing to make, and if her life will ever be normal again.

 

 

(Note): I have the last paragraph, my publishing credits/awards etc., and am comfortable with that, so I'm not adding that here for critique. :) 

 

For the hook you might want to talk about how Genny has an imaginary friend, only to find out that he is actually real. This will come as an interesting surprise. After that, jump into the stuff a hook requires. 

 

You have an interesting idea, but you need to provide more context. 

 

Hope this helps!

 

And if you have a few minutes to spare, please look over my query. Thank you :) 


Have a moment to offer up some very much appreciated feedback? :)

My Young Adult Dystopian Query: http://agentquerycon...ate-on-post-15/


#6 Heliagrey

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Posted 01 May 2018 - 07:43 PM

[EDIT]:  Before I mull over the entire thing again, please let me know: does this hook work better? Or does it create its own problems?

 

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re sixteen. When a foul mouthed, dragon bodied creature from Genny’s childhood reappears and demands her help rescuing the Guardians, billions of age-old creatures who are being held captive by unwitting humans, Genny fears for her sanity. She’d do anything to make “Sticks” disappear and return to her normal, comfortable life, even if it means accepting that her imaginary friend is real.



#7 W.P.

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Posted 02 May 2018 - 02:14 AM

[EDIT]:  Before I mull over the entire thing again, please let me know: does this hook work better? Or does it create its own problems?
 
Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re sixteen.

(( really like the start. Makes me want to read more)))

When a foul mouthed, dragon bodied creature from Genny’s childhood reappears and demands her help rescuing the Guardians, billions of age-old creatures who are being held captive by unwitting humans, Genny fears for her sanity.

(( still into it, still want to read. Loving the set up of the conflict. Concise, exciting and “snappy”)))

She’d do anything to make “Sticks” disappear and return to her normal, comfortable life, even if it means accepting that her imaginary friend is real.

((This last line is where you lose me. It doesn’t have the same impact as the others and falls a little flat to me. But it’s such a subjective thing, it could work for other people. I like that we have a good idea of what she wants:her life back to normal and not feeling insane. However, she can’t do that if she’s accepting he’s real. That’s the very opposite. Now, I get that in a novel you can make it work since you have more room to set it up, but here in the query, feels odd. I understand that she will prolly try and help the dragon, because if she helps, he goes away, and she can be back to her normal life. But as a query, it reads contradictory. My advice is: spell it out. It’s best to have an extra line of explanation (written in a fun, exciting way of course) than leaving the reader feel like the story doesn’t work. But that’s my two cents. )))



Great job! Really enjoyed your query. Fun and exciting! The only thing that made me less enthusiastic about it was the last line, and I expressed my feelings on it above. Other than that, I think it’s a fine query. Certainly made me interested in the novel. :)

#8 Heliagrey

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Posted 02 May 2018 - 08:03 AM

Great job! Really enjoyed your query. Fun and exciting! The only thing that made me less enthusiastic about it was the last line, and I expressed my feelings on it above. Other than that, I think it’s a fine query. Certainly made me interested in the novel. :)

 Thank you for your suggestions! I'll work on the last line-the transition lines are always so challenging. I appreciate the feedback!



#9 AsperBlurry

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Posted 04 May 2018 - 09:12 AM

Disclaimer: It's my very first feedback on the query, but as an avid fantasy reader I'm hooked and I'm interested in reading more of your query. Which tells me there's a potential here!

 

Oh, and thank you for your feedback on my query :) 

[EDIT]:  I'm doing this piece by piece, so just starting with the hook. Suggestions extremely welcome, and I'm happy to critique back. 

 

Revision #5 (Hook only)

 

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re sixteen (I really like the first sentence and it makes me want to read more)

 

When a foul mouthed, dragon bodied creature from Genny’s childhood reappears and demands her help rescuing the Guardians, age-old creatures being held captive by unwitting humans, Genny fears for her sanity. (There's a cause, short explanation who the Guardians are and effect. Good job!)

All she needs to do is ignore "Zxix" (what is "Zxix"? a creature, thing?) and wait for the return of her comfortable, normal life. (does she take some action here to ignore it?) Until she catches her ex-best friend talking to the Guardian on his shoulder. (I'm lost here, is that a bad or good thing? and why is it a problem?)

 

 

 

 



#10 Heliagrey

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Posted 04 May 2018 - 10:46 AM

Disclaimer: It's my very first feedback on the query, but as an avid fantasy reader I'm hooked and I'm interested in reading more of your query. Which tells me there's a potential here!

 

Oh, and thank you for your feedback on my query :) 

 :) Thanks, love! The suggestion's very helpful! I find those transition sentences crazy difficult, so I appreciate the re-focusing.

 

How's your latest draft of your query coming? I know these things take a CRAZY # of revisions to polish!



#11 AsperBlurry

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Posted 06 May 2018 - 09:03 AM

Yes, writing a query is worse than I thought. I realize now why I didn't get any manuscript request for my first book - because my query sucked :(

I've just posted my new query draft so you can check it out. But I feel like something is still missing. I just don't know how to make it powerful in a few sentences. I've always had a lot of problems to distance myself from my writing. Anyway, I'm looking forward to your new draft, good luck with it! 

 

 :) Thanks, love! The suggestion's very helpful! I find those transition sentences crazy difficult, so I appreciate the re-focusing.

 

How's your latest draft of your query coming? I know these things take a CRAZY # of revisions to polish!



#12 morgan.spraker

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Posted 06 May 2018 - 09:47 AM

[EDIT]:  I'm doing this piece by piece, so just starting with the hook. Suggestions extremely welcome, and I'm happy to critique back. 

 

Revision #6 (Hook only)

 

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen. Love this!!

 

When Zxix, a foul mouthed foul-mouthed, dragon bodied dragon-bodied (also, why just dragon body? does it have the head of something else?) creature from Genny’s childhood reappears and demands her help rescuing the Guardians, age-old creatures being held captive by unwitting humans, Genny fears for her sanity. But when she encounters the school outcast, a schizophrenic Describing him as just a schizophrenic is a little iffy to me -- use your best judgement, but it just feels weird that his schizophrenia is the only thing painting him as an outcast, and I don't want that to detract from anything with a dark past "dark past" can read a tad cliche , holding a conversation with his own Guardian, she can’t deny the truth.

 

 

 

 

 

**

 

Two weeks after Genny Engalls’s sixteenth birthday, her imaginary friend reappears. She last saw the reptilian Zxix in third grade, and hasn’t missed him. Zxix is foul-mouthed, abrasive, and his timing is terrible. Genny’s still reeling from the events of this summer: her father’s sudden death, the family’s return to their hometown, and an unhappy reunion with someone else she thought she’d left in the past. The years haven’t been kind to Leo Ward. Once Genny’s best friend, Leo has become an angry recluse consumed by a dark secret - his own imaginary friend never left.

 

Genny will discover that Zxix is neither imaginary nor a friend. He’s a Guardian, one of a race of immortals who bond to humans for life. Guardians are meant to shape and guard the powerful abilities of humanity’s six tribes, but thanks to Zxix’s ancient mistake, no one on Earth can see or hear the fantastical creatures at their sides. The Guardians have been trapped, unseen and powerless, for two millennia. It’s a lot for shy, self-professed “unremarkable Genny” to take in, especially when she discovers that time is running out to restore the Guardians to Earth. She would love nothing more than to leave it to Zxix, but, much to his chagrin, he can only go where she leads.

 

But not everyone is fighting to save the Guardians. While this unlikely heroine navigates the challenges of a world where no one is ever truly alone, repairing the bonds and gathering new allies, Leo amasses an army that marches on the power of enslaved Guardians. As his faction grows in influence and in size, Genny is forced to question what sacrifices she’s willing to make, and if her life will ever be normal again.

 

 

(Note): I have the last paragraph, my publishing credits/awards etc., and am comfortable with that, so I'm not adding that here for critique. :) 

This sounds super interesting!! I love the first sentence, and the rest of it has potential :) If you wouldn't mind, would you take a look at my query?

http://agentquerycon...-of-alexandria/



#13 Heliagrey

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Posted 06 May 2018 - 08:30 PM

This sounds super interesting!! I love the first sentence, and the rest of it has potential :) If you wouldn't mind, would you take a look at my query?

http://agentquerycon...-of-alexandria/

 :) Thanks! And happy to. I just updated mine as well. New post in #1. Thanks!



#14 smithgirl

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Posted 07 May 2018 - 11:48 AM

 

Fantasy Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen. Good hook!

 

​I really like the hook except that her friends aren't really imaginary, are they? Aren't they actually real? Maybe use fantasy/fantastical friends, instead?

 

When Zxix, a foul mouthed, dragon bodied creature from Genny’s childhood reappears and demands her help rescuing the Guardians, age-old creatures being held captive by unwitting humans, Genny fears for her sanity. Funny. But she’s not alone. This sounds like she's not alone fearing for her sanity. Do you mean that, or that she's not alone in being accosted by dragons? After discovering schizophrenic classmate Leo Ward deep in conversation with a Guardian, she turns to him for help in proving she’s not insane. I'm not sure how a schizophrenic will be helpful regarding mental health advice.

 

She will discover too late that the meeting of their two Guardians I thought only Leo had contact with a guardian. Genny had contact with the dragon thing. is a reunion of ancient freedom fighters. In their attempts Whose attempts?  to reignite the war for Guardian salvation, Leo’s wounded psyche mind  Trying to avoid mind 2x in a row. is unexpectedly transformed into a catastrophic, mind controlling weapon that threatens both human and Guardian kind.

 

Now, instead of college applications and homework, Genny’s senior year priorities are: free the Guardians, stop Leo, and prevent war. Good!. Along the way, she’ll become the leader of a group of misfits, take classes with demons, and journey to a city apart from time. But when Genny discovers that the Guardians' return will come at a terrible cost to humanity, Can you clarify the cost? she must choose where her allegiances lie. Skip the sentence with the list of misc. activities.

 

​I think your query is good. It's nice and short and snappy, but still clear. I just had a few points above, mostly minor. Good job! Can you please look at my query when you get a chance? Thanks! http://agentquerycon...st-31/?p=356320

 

 

 



#15 Heliagrey

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Posted 11 May 2018 - 10:39 PM

Note: Every time I change this... I change it A LOT. Urf. Is it just me, or is this harder than the book itself? It's like a totally different language. 

 

**

 

 

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen.

 

Genny hasn’t missed Zxix, her foul-mouthed, dragon like imaginary friend from childhood. So when he reappears years later, demanding her help, it’s not a welcome reunion. All she wants is to fly under the radar at her new school, but that’s going to be hard if she’s losing her grip on reality. Soon, she’s as infamous as schizophrenic classmate Leo Ward.

 

When Genny realizes she and Leo are hearing the same voices, she will uncover the true nature of their so called imaginary friends. Zxix and his people are Guardians, a race of beings once symbiotic with humanity until a terrible mistake enslaved them for millennia. Now each Guardian is trapped, bonded to a human who unwittingly determines their every move.

 

Genny will undertake a mission to deliver Zxix to his ancestral homeland, where he might free his people. But her quest is overshadowed by a growing threat- Leo’s newfound ability to exploit the Guardians for his own gain. He opposes their freedom- and anyone who seeks it- through violence and control. As Genny discovers the possibilities of a world where no one is ever alone, she will struggle to rise above the temptation of power, all the while questioning whether she has the right to make choices that will change the world forever.

 



#16 Heliagrey

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Posted 13 May 2018 - 06:11 PM

Will always crit back. :) Drop links, and thanks for the support!



#17 yawriter

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Posted 13 May 2018 - 09:40 PM

[EDIT]:  Link me yours, I'll always crit back! :) 

 

Revision #I lost count ;)

 

 

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re I believe it is more professional to not use contractions... "they are" problematic when you’re seventeen. Great hook!

 

Genny hasn’t Has not... missed Zxix how do you even pronounce this name?, her foul-mouthed, dragon-like imaginary friend from childhood. So when he reappears years later, demanding her help, it’s (it is) not a welcome reunion. All she wants is to fly under the radar at her new school, but that’s ​(that is) going to be hard if she’s (if she loses) losing her grip on reality. Soon, she’s(she is) as infamous as schizophrenic classmate Leo Ward. When Genny realizes she and Leo are hearing the same voices, she will uncover the true nature of their so called imaginary friends. I like the stakes here...There's another person who might know more. Zxix and his people are Guardians, a race of beings once symbiotic with humanity until a terrible mistake enslaved them for millennia. Now each Guardian is trapped, bonded to a human who unwittingly determines their every move. Since Zxix is not imaginary, I want to know why he has picked her to appear. What makes Genny so special? What prevents Zxix from just saying all this background before she even talks to Leo about it?

 

Now Genny is on a mission to deliver Zxix to his ancestral homeland to free his people. But, her quest is overshadowed by a growing threat- Leo’s newfound ability to exploit the Guardians for his own gain. Is that because he's schizophrenic? Is he even schizophrenic? He opposes their freedom- and anyone who seeks it- through violence and control. As Genny discovers the possibilities of a world where no one is ever alone, she (struggles) will struggle to rise above the temptation of power, all the while questioning whether she has the right to make choices that will change the world forever.

 

 

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen.

 

When Zxix, a foul mouthed, dragon bodied creature from Genny’s childhood reappears and demands her help rescuing the Guardians, age-old creatures being held captive by unwitting humans, Genny fears for her sanity. But she’s not alone. After discovering schizophrenic classmate Leo Ward deep in conversation with a Guardian, she turns to him for help in proving she’s not insane.

 

She will discover too late that the meeting of their two Guardians is a reunion of ancient freedom fighters. In their attempts to reignite the war for Guardian salvation, Leo’s wounded mind is unexpectedly transformed into catastrophic, mind controlling weapon that threatens both human and Guardian kind.

 

Now, instead of college applications and homework, Genny’s senior year priorities are: free the Guardians, stop Leo, and prevent war. Along the way, she’ll become the leader of a group of misfits, take classes with demons, and journey to a city apart from time. But when Genny discovers that the Guardians return will come at a terrible cost to humanity, she must choose where her allegiances lie.   

 

 

 

 

 

(Note): I have the last paragraph, my publishing credits/awards etc., and am comfortable with that, so I'm not adding that here for critique. :) 

 

Great job! You can tell that you've rewritten this many times:) I hope I helped.  My new version's up if you wouldn't mind taking a peek at it. Thanks!



#18 punitrastogi

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Posted 14 May 2018 - 02:16 AM

[EDIT]:  Link me yours, I'll always crit back! :) 

 

Revision #I lost count ;) - I never count :)

 

 

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen.

 

Genny hasn’t missed Zxix, her foul-mouthed, dragon like imaginary friend from childhood. So when he reappears years later, demanding (is he demanding because he is foul-mouthed, or is it because you missed finding a better word :P ) her help, it’s not a welcome reunion. All she wants is to fly under the radar at her new school, but that’s going to be hard if she’s losing her grip on reality.(I think this sentence needs to be flipped. As per my understanding, Genny finds Zxix again, thinks she is losing her mind and her grip on reality, and intends to fly under the radar because wants to avoid looking like Leo) Soon, she’s as infamous as schizophrenic classmate Leo Ward. When Genny realizes she and Leo are hearing the same voices, she will uncover the true nature of their so called imaginary friends (How? From leo, from zxix, from lore, from someone else?) . Zxix and his people are Guardians, a race of beings that were once symbiotic with humanity until a terrible mistake enslaved (by whom or how?) them for millennia. Now each Guardian is trapped, bonded to a human who unwittingly determines their every move. (Interesting plot, but I am confused - if they were symbiotic, doesn't that mean that they were attached to humans? So what is different between then and now?).

 

Now Genny is on a mission to deliver Zxix to his ancestral homeland and to free his people. But her quest is overshadowed by a growing threat- Leo’s newfound ability and violent desire to enslave and exploit the Guardians for his own gain.Can he use the entire race of Guardians? Is he for world domination or just individual small time gains like beating up a bully? He opposes their freedom- and anyone who seeks it- through violence and control. As Genny discovers the possibilities of a world where no one is ever alone, she will struggle to rise above the temptation of power, all the while questioning whether she has the right to make choices that will change the world forever. So the last sentence bring aboard a third challenge for Genny, which might be too much to take for the agent, more so because Genny is not really concerned by Leo's evil(?) intentions. I would recommend either simplifying it or explaining each challenge like you did with her intent to free Zxix.


 

(Note): I have the last paragraph, my publishing credits/awards etc., and am comfortable with that, so I'm not adding that here for critique. :) 

 

Hope it helps. :)

 

Please do have a look at my query.



#19 AsperBlurry

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Posted 14 May 2018 - 02:42 PM

Heliagrey, I've read your new query version, but I'm too tired to leave any feedback tonight :( But I will definitely post it tomorrow! 



#20 Heliagrey

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Posted 14 May 2018 - 06:50 PM

Heliagrey, I've read your new query version, but I'm too tired to leave any feedback tonight :( But I will definitely post it tomorrow! 

;) Thank you! You're a peach! If only I had a peach emoji! 






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