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#21 AsperBlurry

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Posted 15 May 2018 - 07:16 AM

Haha, thanks! In Sicily, I heard I'm a strawberry :D 

Anyway, I’ve posted the new version of my query so I would be happy to get your feedback :)

http://agentquerycon...ary-revision-5/

 

;) Thank you! You're a peach! If only I had a peach emoji! 

 

Ok, and as promised here's my feedback:

Note: Every time I change this... I change it A LOT. Urf. Is it just me, or is this harder than the book itself? It's like a totally different language. 

 

**

 

 

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen. As I said before it’s a great hook. One question though – are those fantasy or imaginary friends?

 

Genny hasn’t missed Zxix, her foul-mouthed, dragon like imaginary friend from childhood. So when he reappears years later, demanding her help, it’s not a welcome reunion. All she wants is to fly under the radar at her new school, but that’s going to be hard if she’s losing her grip on reality. Soon, she’s as infamous as schizophrenic classmate Leo Ward.

 

When Genny realizes she and Leo are hearing the same voices, she will uncover the true nature of their so called imaginary friends. Zxix and his people are Guardians, a race of beings once symbiotic with humanity until a terrible mistake enslaved them for millennia. Now each Guardian is trapped, bonded to a human who unwittingly determines their every move. (I like it, it gives me enough info about the Guardians to keep me interested)

 

Genny will undertake a mission to deliver Zxix to his ancestral homeland, where he might free his people. But her quest is overshadowed by a growing threat- Leo’s newfound ability to exploit the Guardians for his own gain. He opposes their freedom- and anyone who seeks it- through violence and control.

(I wonder why, what are his motives? And are the Guardians so called imaginary or do they actually exist? I’m not sure if she’s a schizophrenic as well?) 

As Genny discovers the possibilities of a world where no one is ever alone, she will struggle to rise above the temptation of power, all the while questioning whether she has the right to make choices that will change the world forever. (I like the ending, but I’m a bit confused. What’s the main focus in your book – schizophrenia or human urges when it comes to power?)

 

Ok, so I’m intrigued and I think you have an interesting story, good job! The only thing that’s still not clear for me is if you want to explore the mental illness or the world of the Guardians and how it intertwines with ours.  

 

 



#22 Heliagrey

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Posted 15 May 2018 - 09:01 AM

Okay, loves-  one last request- here are two slightly different versions. A & B. Which do you prefer? Remember, I'll always crit back, just drop links! :)

 

A:

 

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen.

 

Genny hasn’t missed Zxix, the foul-mouthed, dragon-like creature from her childhood. So when he reappears years later, demanding help, it’s not a welcome reunion. She just wants to fly under the radar at her new school, but that’s going to be difficult if she’s losing her grip on reality. Soon, she’s as infamous as Leo Ward, a classmate tormented with voices all his life.

 

But when Genny realizes she and Leo are hearing the same voices, she will uncover the true nature of her not-so-imaginary friend. Zxix is a Guardian, one of a race of beings once symbiotic with humanity until a terrible mistake enslaved them for millennia. Now each Guardian is trapped, bonded to a human who unwittingly determines their every move. Genny and Leo are the first humans in two millennia to see or hear their trapped Guardians, and they don’t know why- or how.

 

Genny seeks to uncover the truth as she journeys to deliver Zxix to his ancestral homeland to free his people. But her quest will be overshadowed by a dark threat. When Leo discovers his ability to control the Guardians, he will not only work to seek to silence the voices that have plagued him, but to gain a sense of control he’s never had - even if it means stopping Genny and Zxix- at any cost.

 

Now, with only a sarcastic Guardian to guide her, and the help of new friends, Genny must find a way to stop Leo before he brings both human and Guardian kind to war.   

 

 

B:

 

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen.

 

Genny hasn’t missed Zxix, her foul-mouthed, dragon-like imaginary friend from childhood. So when he reappears years later, demanding help, it’s not a welcome reunion. She just wanted to fly under the radar at her new school, but soon her infamy is second only to schizophrenic classmate Leo Ward. Only after realizing that she and Leo are hearing the same voices is Genny willing to accept Zxix’s claims that things are not always as they appear.

 

Zxix and his people are Guardians, a race of beings whose once symbiotic bond with humanity was severed by a terrible mistake. Genny and Leo are the first humans in two millennia to see or hear the trapped Guardians, and they don’t know why- or how. While Genny seeks the truth, Leo works to exploit the powerful creatures after discovering that each Guardian is at the mercy of the human it’s enslaved to. At first, he’s content to silence the voices that plagued him all his life, but as Leo grows in confidence, his experiments will lead to violent acts of manipulation. 

 

Genny’s mission to deliver Zxix to his ancestral homeland to free his people is overshadowed by the growing threat of Leo’s power. With only a sarcastic Guardian to guide her, and the help of new friends, Genny must find a way to stop Leo before he brings both human and Guardian kind to war.   

 

 

 

(Note): I have the last paragraph, my publishing credits/awards etc., and am comfortable with that, so I'm not adding that here for critique. :) 



#23 yawriter

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Posted 15 May 2018 - 10:49 AM

[EDIT]:  Link me yours, I'll always crit back! :) 

 

Okay, loves-  one last request- here are two slightly different versions. A & B. Which do you prefer? Remember, I'll always crit back, just drop links! :)

 

A: I followed this version much better, so I will review this one :)

 

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen.

 

Genny hasn’t missed Zxix, the foul-mouthed, dragon-like creature from her childhood. So when he reappears years later, demanding help, it’s not a welcome reunion. She just wants to fly under the radar at her new school, but that’s going to be  is difficult if she’s losing her grip on reality. Soon, she’s as infamous as Leo Ward, a classmate tormented with voices all his life.

 

But when Genny realizes she and Leo are hearing the same voices, she will uncover uncovers the true nature of her not-so-imaginary friend. Zxix is a Guardian. one of a race of beings A being once symbiotic with humanity until a terrible mistake enslaved them for millennia. Now each Guardian is trapped, bonded to a human who unwittingly determines their every move. Genny and Leo are the first humans in two millennia to see or hear their trapped Guardians, and they don’t know why- or how.

 

Genny seeks to uncover the truth as she journeys to deliver Zxix to his ancestral homeland to free his people. But her quest will be overshadowed by a dark threat. When Leo discovers his ability to control the Guardians and will not only work to seek to silence the voices that have plagued him, but to gain a sense of control he’s never had - even if it means stopping Genny and Zxix- at any cost.

 

Now, with only a sarcastic Guardian to guide her, and the help of new friends, Genny must find a way to stop Leo before he brings both human and Guardian kind to war.   

 

 

I don't really know if you even need that last sentence. The stakes are pretty high at the end. My edits are only to make it flow a little better and cut out some of the word count. Take it or leave it.  Some of the tenses changed from present to future, so I changed those too :) Great job!

 

 

 

http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356637

 



#24 AsperBlurry

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Posted 16 May 2018 - 07:17 AM

 

Okay, loves-  one last request- here are two slightly different versions. A & B. Which do you prefer? Remember, I'll always crit back, just drop links! :)

 

A: I like this one better so I'll comment on it:

 

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen.

 

Genny hasn’t missed Zxix, the foul-mouthed, dragon-like creature from her childhood. So when he reappears years later, demanding help, it’s not a welcome reunion. She just wants to fly under the radar at her new school, but that’s going to be difficult if she’s losing her grip on reality. Soon, she’s as infamous as Leo Ward, a schizophrenic classmate tormented with voices all his life.

 

But when Genny realizes she and Leo are hearing the same voices, she will uncover the true nature of her not-so-imaginary friend. Zxix is a Guardian, one of a race of beings once symbiotic with humanity until a terrible mistake enslaved them for millennia. Now each Guardian is trapped, bonded to a human who unwittingly determines their every move. Genny and Leo are the first humans in two millennia to see or hear their trapped Guardians, and they don’t know why- or how. (it's great you've added that. It explains that Guardians are not so imaginary after all)

 

Genny seeks to uncover the truth as she journeys to deliver Zxix to his ancestral homeland to free his people. But her quest will be overshadowed by a dark threat. When Leo discovers his ability to control the Guardians, he will not only work to seek to silence the voices that have plagued him, but to gain a sense of control he’s never had - even if it means stopping Genny and Zxix- at any cost.

 

Now, with only a sarcastic Guardian to guide her, and the help of new friends (who are they? The Guardians?), Genny must find a way to stop Leo before he brings both human and Guardian kind to war.   Yes, I think I have a better understanding of the story now and I really like the ending

 

I'm not sure what to add. For me the query is very good and as a reader I'd like to read your story :)

Did you think about participating in #PITMAD? I'm going to give it a try! 

 

Ok, so here's the new version of my query, please take a look at it: http://agentqueryconnect.com/index.php?/topic/38790-behind-the-ghost-metropolis-ya-contemporary-latest-version-in-the-1st-post/ 

 



#25 Tree

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Posted 23 May 2018 - 09:05 PM

 

Okay, loves-  one last request- here are two slightly different versions. A & B. Which do you prefer? Remember, I'll always crit back, just drop links! :)

 

I voted for B and have very few things to add. I think it's great. 

 

B:

 

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen.  Awesome.

 

Genny hasn’t missed Zxix, her foul-mouthed, dragon-like imaginary friend from childhood. So when he reappears years later, demanding help, it’s not a welcome reunion. She just wanteds to fly under the radar at her new school, but soon her infamy is second only to schizophrenic classmate Leo Ward. Genny doesn't accept Zxix’s claims that things are not as they appear until she realizes that she and Leo are hearing the same voices. [tried to simplify the sentence structure here]

 

Zxix and his people are Guardians, a race of beings whose once symbiotic bond with humanity was severed by a terrible mistake. is it possible to  be specific about the mistake? Genny and Leo are the first humans in two millennia to see or hear the trapped Guardians, and they don’t know why- or how. While Genny seeks the truth, Leo  discovers that each Guardian is at the mercy of the human it’s enslaved to and works to exploits the powerful creatures after . At first, he’s content to silence the voices that plagued him all his life, but as Leo grows in confidence, his experiments will lead to violent acts of manipulation. 

 

Genny’s mission to deliver Zxix to his ancestral homeland to free his people is overshadowed by the growing threat of Leo’s power. With only a sarcastic Guardian to guide her, and the help of new friends, Genny must find a way to stop Leo before he brings both human and Guardian kind to war.   

 

 

 

(Note): I have the last paragraph, my publishing credits/awards etc., and am comfortable with that, so I'm not adding that here for critique. :) 

 



#26 lnloft

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Posted 23 May 2018 - 09:26 PM

Returning the critique. :smile: I like how Leo's villainy is introduced better in A, so I'm going with that one. A makes him feel more like a tragic villain who is reacting because of his lack of control earlier in life, versus B just makes him seem like he's a power-hungry dick.

 

Okay, loves-  one last request- here are two slightly different versions. A & B. Which do you prefer? Remember, I'll always crit back, just drop links! :)

 

A:

 

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen. Solid hook.

 

Genny hasn’t missed Zxix How in the world is this supposed to be pronounced?, the foul-mouthed So, when you realize that he's real, it makes sense that he can be foul-mouthed, but my first thought was that, man, she was a screwy eight-year-old if she had an imaginary friend that cussed. That being said, I have a feeling most people will just be amused and move on (and I am amused as well)., dragon-like creature from her childhood. So when he reappears years later, demanding help, it’s not a welcome reunion. She just wants to fly under the radar at her new school, but that’s going to be difficult if she’s losing her grip on reality. Soon, she’s as infamous I feel like I want to see some reason why she becomes infamous. Because my initial interpretation is that she's trying hard to play it cool with Zxix buzzing around her. Others might disagree, but I guess just some indication that she's outwardly reacting where others can see might be nice. as Leo Ward, a classmate tormented with voices all his life.

 

But when Genny realizes she and Leo are hearing the same voices, she will uncover Why is this in the future tense? It jarred me a little. the true nature of her not-so-imaginary friend. Zxix is a Guardian, one of a race of beings once symbiotic with humanity until a terrible mistake enslaved them for millennia. Now each Guardian is trapped, bonded to a human who unwittingly determines their every move. Genny and Leo are the first humans in two millennia to see or hear their trapped Guardians, and they don’t know why—[dash. If you can't make it on your computer, just copy and paste this one] or how.

 

Genny seeks to uncover the truth as she journeys to deliver Zxix to his ancestral homeland Journey where? How? Is it somewhere on Earth? I'm imagining it more of a spectral realm, but then how does she get there? to free his people. But her quest will be overshadowed by a dark threat. When Leo discovers his ability to control the Guardians, he will not only work to seek to silence the voices that have plagued him, but to gain a sense of control he’s never had—[dash again, and below. Hyphens masquerading as dashes is a pet peeve of mine] even if it means stopping Genny and Zxixat any cost. Actually, I don't know if you need the second dash. I feel like it breaks up the flow too much, so I would just make it a comma. Although I also wonder if you need "at any cost" at all. It's a pretty commonly used phrase. (Have I used it recently? I might have used it recently in one of my drafts.)

 

Now, with only a sarcastic I'm not actually sure I like having "sarcastic" here. I mean, sarcastic side-kicks are pretty common. I'm not objecting to him being that way in the manuscript, mind, but in the query it feels a little "trying-too-hard". Guardian to guide her, and the help of new friends, I don't feel like we need this Genny must find a way to stop Leo before he brings both human and Guardian kind to war. But if the humans already determine what the Guardians do, and if the humans can't sense them, then how are they even going to be able to fight? 

 

 

B:

 

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen.

 

Genny hasn’t missed Zxix, her foul-mouthed, dragon-like imaginary friend from childhood. So when he reappears years later, demanding help, it’s not a welcome reunion. She just wanted to fly under the radar at her new school, but soon her infamy is second only to schizophrenic classmate Leo Ward. Only after realizing that she and Leo are hearing the same voices is Genny willing to accept Zxix’s claims that things are not always as they appear.

 

Zxix and his people are Guardians, a race of beings whose once symbiotic bond with humanity was severed by a terrible mistake. Genny and Leo are the first humans in two millennia to see or hear the trapped Guardians, and they don’t know why- or how. While Genny seeks the truth, Leo works to exploit the powerful creatures after discovering that each Guardian is at the mercy of the human it’s enslaved to. At first, he’s content to silence the voices that plagued him all his life, but as Leo grows in confidence, his experiments will lead to violent acts of manipulation. 

 

Genny’s mission to deliver Zxix to his ancestral homeland to free his people is overshadowed by the growing threat of Leo’s power. With only a sarcastic Guardian to guide her, and the help of new friends, Genny must find a way to stop Leo before he brings both human and Guardian kind to war.   

 

 

 

(Note): I have the last paragraph, my publishing credits/awards etc., and am comfortable with that, so I'm not adding that here for critique. :) 

 

I blued that up quite a bit, but overall I like it. It's mostly clear, and it sounds like a fun story. And as I noted above, the biggest reason I liked that version was because it presents Leo as a tragic villain. I hope that's how you want him to come across, because it's to see a villain who isn't just in it for the Evulz. Good luck.


Nothing to reciprocate on right now; I'm off in the query trenches.


#27 Heliagrey

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Posted 24 May 2018 - 07:37 PM

Le bump.



#28 cmmg

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Posted 24 May 2018 - 08:33 PM

New version, who dis? #1 is the right post, right? I didn't get like the original version?

 

I HAAAAATE endings of queries. Hate them. Not too strong a word. If you can suggest an actual line change, or a rewrite to sound less vomit-in-a-bucket, I will be indebted to you for life.

 

***

 

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen.  (I like this bit)

 

Genny hasn’t missed Zxix, the foul-mouthed, dragon-like creature from her childhood. So when he reappears years later, demanding help, the reunion isn’t a welcome one. Genny would love to fly under the radar at her new school, but incognito is hard to execute when you’re losing your grip on reality. Soon she’s as infamous as Leo Ward, a classmate tormented by longtime voices. (I like this paragraph but that clause is a little lackluster)

 

Only after realizing she and Leo are hearing the same voices will Genny uncover the true nature of her not-so-imaginary friend (Like the sentiment, but the wording feels clunkly It shifts the action to the end of the sentence "only after" instead of implying new action, which I think would be better after we get the backstory of the last two sentences (since the only action so far is the voice shows up). Zxix’s people are Guardians, a race once symbiotic with humanity until a terrible mistake severed the connection. Now each Guardian is trapped, tethered to a human who unwittingly determines their every move (not sure of the logistics of this. Do you mean some cosmic forces makes the humans act opposite of what the Gaurdians want? Or do you mean it feels that way to the Zxix, because right now, this is from Genny's POV so I took it literally. You could maybe even remove that bit entirely and like the first to the next sentence if you wanted). Genny and Leo are the first humans in two millennia to see or hear their Guardians, and they don’t know whyor how.

 

As Genny begins to believe in the promise of a world where no one need ever be alone again (I have no idea what you're implying here. Is this a good thing? Why is that the preimse of the world just because she just because a few people have Gaurdians? Are you missing a sentences saying that the Guardians want to re-establish a connection? Because I didn't get any wants from them), she agrees to be Zxix’s shepherd on his quest to free his people (this needs to come first. Maybe even right after it's introduced that their trapped so that it implies more action). But when Leo, who can only sees the Guardians’ return as a continuation of his tortured existence, threatens her (I feel like the subject and action are too far about here) and her mission, Genny will struggle with deep feelings of heroine impostor syndrome (these are very low stakes), and must choose how much she's willing to sacrifice to restore the Guardians to Earth (why would she want to? I don't understand what happens if she does or doesn't do this, and what motivates her. That people have company? I don't have a good sense of what the Guardians actually do).

 

I like it! Well I like the hook. My only concern is that not a lot actually happens until the very end. The entire query is essentially the premise and then one line about what they each think about Zxix's motivations, but not any, actual action or stakes. What happens if Genny doesn't held? They stay trapped? But is she personally totally fine and can walk away at any moment? Or, what's happening to the other Guardians?  Does anyone care about that?

The first three paragraphs are just step up, and I like the set-up, but you could really shorten it. You could even cut all of paragraph two and start "It only gets worse when Genny realizes the she and high-school outcast Leo Ward are hearing the same voices. It turns out, her friend, Zxix's people are...." etc. I mean. I like those sentences, but there's only so much premise you can have when the first bit is "voice is back." second is "it's the same voice" do those two things really take up most of Act 1?

 

Anyway, I like you're voice, but I think you need to get to the point quicker, and expand on what the Guardians are, and what helping them actually accomplishes (and the stakes).


_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

synopsis


#29 Heliagrey

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Posted 24 May 2018 - 08:47 PM

I like it! Well I like the hook. My only concern is that not a lot actually happens until the very end. The entire query is essentially the premise and then one line about what they each think about Zxix's motivations, but not any, actual action or stakes. What happens if Genny doesn't held? They stay trapped? But is she personally totally fine and can walk away at any moment? Or, what's happening to the other Guardians?  Does anyone care about that?

The first three paragraphs are just step up, and I like the set-up, but you could really shorten it. You could even cut all of paragraph two and start "It only gets worse when Genny realizes the she and high-school outcast Leo Ward are hearing the same voices. It turns out, her friend, Zxix's people are...." etc. I mean. I like those sentences, but there's only so much premise you can have when the first bit is "voice is back." second is "it's the same voice" do those two things really take up most of Act 1?

 

Anyway, I like you're voice, but I think you need to get to the point quicker, and expand on what the Guardians are, and what helping them actually accomplishes (and the stakes).

Thank you- I think that clarifies I should switch back to my previous version. I'm in one of those self-doubt query moments mid- session of Round 1! 

 

I still hate my ending sentence, but I've identified endings of queries as a particular weakness. Thanks for the help.



#30 punitrastogi

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Posted 25 May 2018 - 02:17 AM

New version, who dis? (Yes, new version always in this post. <3 Thanks.)

 

Special note: I hate the last sentence. I don't know how to fix it. I would greatly appreciate true edits/suggestions for rewrites there. Leo basically would rather kill her than let her free the Guardians, but it feels too sudden to throw that in there at the end as is. I kept trying to add another choice on there for Genny, but honestly, I feel like her stakes are already there. Thoughts? Help? All appreciated.

 

 

 

***

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen.

 

Genny hasn’t missed Zxix, the foul-mouthed, dragon-like creature from her childhood. So when he reappears years later, demanding help, the reunion isn’t a welcome one. Genny would love to fly under the radar at her new school, but being incognito is hard to execute when you’re losing your grip on reality. Soon she’s as infamous as Leo Ward, a classmate tormented by voices all his life.

 

When Genny realizes she and Leo are hearing the same voices, she’ll uncover the true nature of her not-so-imaginary friend. Zxix is a Guardian, a race of beings whose symbiotic bond with humanity once populated the Earth with powerful, magic-wielding tribes of human-Guardian pairs. When a terrible mistake severed the connection, humanity lost both its magic and its connection to Guardians' home realm of existence(Not sure if you need this). Genny and Leo are the first humans in two millennia to see or hear their Guardians, but they don't know whyor how. 

 

Now, Genny must navigate the wonder and terror of her new ability to see into other realms (Is there a way you can put this in the previous para. I had to read a few times to understand that her ability to look into other realms loosened her understanding on what is real and what is not. If her ablity is not important, maybe you can remove the underlined part completely) , as she seeks a way to help Zxix free his people. But her quest will(The previous part of the query is in present tense, but from here, its in future. Even if this is intentional, it is slightly off-putting) be gets overshadowed by a dark threat. When Leo discovers that he's able to subvert the minds of others- including the Guardians, draining them of their magic- he will work not only to silence the voices that have plagued him, but to gain a sense of control he’s never had, even if it means stopping Genny and Zxix - at any cost. (I think a bigger challenge in the last sentence is that the focus shifts from Genny to Leo, his goals and struggles. If you intend to keep it a single POV, I think you need to flip it a bit and maybe use Genny's observations as your perspective. e.g. She realizes Leo intends to use his abilities to drain the Guardians of there magic and silence the voices that have plagued him. Though it seems that she just has a change in priorities instead of a change in stakes - She can leverage Zxix to defeat Leo, and then help Zxix reach his home. So maybe you can work on that.)

 

As you can see, most of your issues IMO are in your last para.

You seemed to be in control until Leo's powers and goals came into play.

Dont let Mr. Ward distract you, stay focused and see the Guardians through :)



#31 Denisa

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Posted 25 May 2018 - 06:58 AM

New version, who dis? (Yes, new version always in this post. <3 Thanks.)

 

Special note: I hate the last sentence. I don't know how to fix it. I would greatly appreciate true edits/suggestions for rewrites there. Leo basically would rather kill her than let her free the Guardians, but it feels too sudden to throw that in there at the end as is. I kept trying to add another choice on there for Genny, but honestly, I feel like her stakes are already there. Thoughts? Help? All appreciated.

 

 

 

***

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen. Good hook!

 

Genny hasn’t missed Zxix, the foul-mouthed, dragon-like creature from her childhood. So when he reappears years later, demanding help, the reunion isn’t a welcome one. Genny would love to fly under the radar at her new school, but incognito is hard to execute when you’re losing your grip on reality. Soon she’s as infamous as Leo Ward, a classmate tormented by voices all his life. 

 

When Genny realizes she and Leo are hearing the same voices,  nice twist she’ll uncover maybe turn this to present tense the true nature of her not-so-imaginary friend. Zxix is a Guardian, a race of beings whose symbiotic bond with humanity once populated the Earth with powerful, magic-wielding tribes of human-Guardian pairs. When a terrible mistake severed the connection , humanity lost both its magic and its connection to Guardians' home realm of existence. Genny and Leo are the first humans in two millennia to see or hear their Guardians, but they don't know whyor how. 

 

Now, Genny must navigate the wonder and terror of her new ability to see into other realms, as she seeks a way to help Zxix free his people. But her quest will be overshadowed by a dark threat. Leo (or Leo's darkness,  or Leo's need for revenge over the voices that tormented him all his life, or something like thatWhen Leo discovers that he's able to subvert the minds of others (so he can do this to humans, too? just checking to make sure i got this right)- including the Guardians, draining them of their magic- he will work not only to silence the voices that have plagued him, but to gain a sense of control he’s never had, even if it means stopping Genny and Zxix - at any cost. if you decide to go with my suggestion of naming Leo as a threat sooner, then you have to adjust this last sentence.

 

I like your query very much. I read version A and version B, but this one I like best. 

Thank you for critiquing my query. I found your feedback very helpful!



#32 Heliagrey

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Posted 25 May 2018 - 08:53 AM

As you can see, most of your issues IMO are in your last para.

You seemed to be in control until Leo's powers and goals came into play.

Dont let Mr. Ward distract you, stay focused and see the Guardians through :)

 Ugggh, you're so right. I do think Leo is distracting me- not to be overdramatic (writer, too late!) but I think your input just gave me a breakthrough. The reason the end paragraph feels so disconnected to me is I switched too far into Leo's story. Now I just need to figure out how to explain how he's a threat without letting him take over. 

 

Thank you. <3 



#33 Heliagrey

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Posted 25 May 2018 - 10:55 AM

Special note: Okay, I took it in a different direction (esp last two paragraphs). It's not there yet- but I'd love some structure suggestions, and, beyond formatting- any way to make those last few sentences flow better.

 

 

 

 

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen.

 

Genny hasn’t missed Zxix, the foul-mouthed, dragon-like creature from her childhood. So when he reappears years later, demanding help, the reunion isn’t a welcome one. Genny would love to fly under the radar at her new school, but incognito is hard to execute when you’re losing your grip on reality. Soon she’s as infamous as Leo Ward, a classmate tormented by voices all his life.

 

When Genny realizes she and Leo are hearing the same voices, she’ll uncover the true nature of her not-so-imaginary friend. Zxix is a Guardian, a race of beings whose symbiotic bond with humanity once populated the Earth with powerful, magic-wielding tribes of human-Guardian pairs. Genny is the first person to see the Guardians since a terrible mistake severed the connection two millennia ago, but she won’t be alone for long. Soon, she learns how to extend her Guardian sight to those around her. Now Zxix wants her to deliver him to his ancestral homeland so he can restore all Guardians to Earth.

 

But after Genny’s attempt to extend her sight to a classmate drives him mad, she discovers the awful price of the Guardians’ return: only a fraction of the population can be safely bonded to their Guardians. Genny struggles with an impossible choice. To condemn the Guardians to eternal captivity means losing out on the promise of a world where no one is ever alone. But to do what Zxix asks of her may mean sacrificing her own humanity.  



#34 MICRONESIA

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Posted 25 May 2018 - 02:32 PM

I'm gonna look at this query "cold," as I think that will produce the best results.

 

 

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen. Drop Dead Fred? I'm interested. Let's see where you go with it!

 

Genny hasn’t missed Zxix, the foul-mouthed, dragon-like creature from her childhood. "Hasn't missed?" She just... went about her life? I think you should go with something stronger. "Has tried to forget"? So when he reappears years later, demanding help, the reunion isn’t a welcome one. Genny would love to fly under the radar at her new school, but incognito is hard to execute when you’re losing your grip on reality. Soon she’s as infamous as Leo Ward, a classmate tormented by voices all his life. "Tormented by voices" could also be stronger. Got something more specific? Voice-ier?

 

When Genny realizes she and Leo are hearing the same voices, she’ll Keep this in present tense until the end. uncover the true nature of her not-so-imaginary friend. Zxix is a Guardian, a race of beings whose symbiotic bond with humanity once populated the Earth with powerful, magic-wielding tribes of human-Guardian pairs. There's a LOT of information crammed in here. I had to read it twice. Are you saying everyone used to have a magic dragon twin? If so, come right out and say it. Genny is the first person to see the Guardians since a terrible mistake severed the connection two millennia ago, but she won’t be alone for long. "Alone" as in... she won't be... the only one who can see dragons? I ask this because the "terrible mistake" doesn't seem to go with "being alone." Soon, she learns how to extend her Guardian sight to those around her. Now Zxix wants her to deliver him to his ancestral homeland so he can restore all Guardians to Earth. Why is this an important goal?

 

But after Genny’s attempt to extend her sight to a classmate drives him mad, Another info-cram that could be said in simpler fashion. she discovers the awful price of the Guardians’ return: only a fraction of the population can be safely bonded to their Guardians. Genny struggles with an impossible choice. To condemn the Guardians to eternal captivity means losing out on the promise of a world where no one is ever alone. Isn't being alone GREAT for some people, like introverts? Isn't introspective alone time necessary for every human being? These aren't high stakes. With the way it's worded, it seems like everything will just keep bouncing right along if she fails. Yeah, we don't get dragon buddies, but... otherwise, nothing much changes. Stakes = the horrible things that will happen if the MC fails. I'm not seeing that yet. But to do what Zxix asks of her may mean sacrificing her own humanity. Vague. What is she sacrificing? I have no idea.

 

Clear up two things: the sentences and the stakes. Make the wording CRYSTAL CLEAR. I'm still fuzzy on a lot of things.



#35 Heliagrey

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Posted 25 May 2018 - 03:02 PM

Clear up two things: the sentences and the stakes. Make the wording CRYSTAL CLEAR. I'm still fuzzy on a lot of things.

 Okay- thank you! I realized a blunder- in this version I didn't explain that the Guardians were trapped/suffering on their own- thus the stakes. I changed up a few other things, as well.  I can't figure out how to do the very ending- basically, I'm trying to say that if she does nothing, the Guardians continue to suffer. If she helps Zxix restore the Guardians, everyone who "survives" (isn't driven mad) will reap wonderful benefits- but she doesn't want to choose who suffers and who doesn't... but I can't think of a good way to say that. Any suggestions?

 

Very helpful feedback- appreciate it!



#36 Heliagrey

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Posted 25 May 2018 - 05:31 PM

Special note: I can FEEL the ending's not there yet- but I need some big suggestions on the last few sentences in particular, please! 

 

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen.

 

When Zxix, the foul-mouthed, dragon-like creature from Genny’s childhood reappears and demands her help, the reunion isn’t a welcome one. Genny wants to fly under the radar at her new school, but incognito is a hard game to play when you’re losing your grip on reality. Soon she’s as infamous as Leo Ward, a classmate tormented by voices all his life.

 

It’s then Genny realizes she and Leo hear the same voices, and uncovers the true nature of her not-so-imaginary friend. Zxix is a Guardian, a race of beings once symbiotic with humanity. Powerful, magic-wielding tribes of human-Guardian pairs once populated the earth until a terrible mistake severed the connection, imprisoning the Guardians in painful limbo. Genny, the first person in two millennia to see them, soon learns how to extend her Guardian sight to those around her. But after her “gift” to one classmate leaves his mind irrevocably broken, she discovers the awful price to be paid for the creatures return. Not all can be safely bonded to their Guardians.

 

Zxix asks her deliver him to his ancestral homeland, where he will restore his people to Earth and reignite humanity’s long lost magic. But Genny struggles with an impossible moral dilemma: condemn the Guardians to eternal captivity, or sacrifice the few for the hope of a better future for the many. 

 

 

 

((I want a better way to say that ending. It rankles me. Please suggest line edits. I left it VERY STARK here so my point doesn't get muddled and you know what the actual dilemma is- but it feels like someone chopped the tail off this thing. I'm trying to find a way to say... in this clipped format... that the stakes are more than just the grand question of who lives and who dies- which is a big, global thing that Genny unfortunately has to shoulder- but it's also inside her. Morality isn't just a question, but a conception of the meaning of life. For Genny to have to carry the weight of a decision so much larger than her is eating her up inside.))



#37 Denisa

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Posted 26 May 2018 - 06:26 AM

 

Special note: I can FEEL the ending's not there yet- but I need some big suggestions on the last few sentences in particular, please! 

 

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen.

 

When Zxix, the foul-mouthed, dragon-like creature from Genny’s childhood reappears and demands her help, the reunion isn’t a welcome one. Genny wants to fly under the radar at her new school, but incognito is a hard game to play when you’re losing your grip on reality. Soon she’s as infamous as Leo Ward, a classmate tormented by voices all his life.

 

It’s then Genny realizes she and Leo hear the same voices, and uncovers the true nature of her not-so-imaginary friend. Zxix is a Guardian, a race of beings once symbiotic with humanity. Powerful, magic-wielding tribes of human-Guardian pairs once populated the earth until a terrible mistake severed the connection, imprisoning the Guardians in painful limbo. Genny, the first person in two millennia to see them, soon learns how to extend her Guardian sight to those around her. I have noo idea what this means. It's to abstract at the moment. What does this sight mean? Make others see what she sees? Did I get this right? But after her “gift” to one classmate leaves his mind irrevocably broken, she discovers the awful price to be paid for the creatures return. Not all can be safely bonded to their Guardians. maybe try rephrasing this last sentences. try to explain it so that a six year old might understand it (i read this somewhere :)).  

 

Zxix asks her deliver him to his ancestral homeland, where he will restore his people to Earth and reignite humanity’s long lost magic. But Genny struggles with an impossible moral dilemma: condemn the Guardians to eternal captivity, or sacrifice the few for the hope of a better future for the many. ​Maybe just say: Genny is torn between the only two imposible choices: condemn the Guardians to eternal captivity, or the shattering guilt of sacrifice the few for the hope of a better future for the many?

Something like this? No other suggestions come to my mind.

 

 

((I want a better way to say that ending. It rankles me. Please suggest line edits. I left it VERY STARK here so my point doesn't get muddled and you know what the actual dilemma is- but it feels like someone chopped the tail off this thing. I'm trying to find a way to say... in this clipped format... that the stakes are more than just the grand question of who lives and who dies- which is a big, global thing that Genny unfortunately has to shoulder- but it's also inside her. Morality isn't just a question, but a conception of the meaning of life. For Genny to have to carry the weight of a decision so much larger than her is eating her up inside.))

 



#38 Heliagrey

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Posted 26 May 2018 - 07:39 AM

 

 

 

Thank you! I was confused how the 2 lines in the second paragraph didn't make sense- but I gave it a minute, came back, and wow, I can see what you mean- there are two distinct possibilities implied by what I said last. I've switched them out/tried to make them more clear. This is why other eyes are so important!

 

Still working on the ending. Haven't touched it yet, so I can keep looking at it fresh. Thanks for your feedback- I'll go back to see how yours is doing. <3 



#39 AsperBlurry

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Posted 26 May 2018 - 08:10 AM

I actually liked the last version (A) better, especially the ending, but I'll try to give you feedback on this one :)

And thank you for your critique and encouraging words!

 

Special note: I can FEEL the ending's not there yet- but I need some big suggestions on the last few sentences in particular, please! 

 

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen.

 

When Zxix, the foul-mouthed, dragon-like creature from Genny’s childhood reappears and demands her help, the reunion isn’t a welcome one. Genny wants to fly under the radar at her new school, but incognito is a hard game to play when you’re losing your grip on reality. Soon she’s as infamous as Leo Ward, a classmate tormented by voices all his life.

 

It’s then Genny realizes she and Leo hear the same voices, and uncovers the true nature of her not-so-imaginary friend. Zxix is a Guardian, a race of beings once symbiotic with humanity. Powerful, magic-wielding tribes of human-Guardian pairs once populated the earth until a terrible mistake severed the connection, imprisoning the Guardians in painful limbo. Genny, the first person in two millennia to see them, soon learns how to extend her Guardian sight to those around her. But after her “gift” to one classmate leaves his mind irrevocably broken, she discovers the awful price to be paid for the creatures return. Not all can be safely bonded to their Guardians.

 

Zxix asks her deliver him to his ancestral homeland, where he will restore his people to Earth and reignite humanity’s long lost magic. But Genny struggles with an impossible moral dilemma: condemn the Guardians to eternal captivity, or sacrifice the few for the hope of a better future for the many. I'm confused about ending in this version because the last part of the sentence doesn't tell me anything:/  I'm not really sure what to suggest especially that I liked the last ending better: "Genny must find a way to stop Leo before he brings both human and Guardian kind to war." Also, what happened to Leo's dark side? That was very interesting.

 

As you said, there comes a moment when you have to go with your gut. I can see that people here have often totally different opinions and you end up revising a query so many times that you lose yourself :p That being said, feedback on this forum is very helpful! 

 

Which version of your query did you like the most?

 

 

 

 

 

((I want a better way to say that ending. It rankles me. Please suggest line edits. I left it VERY STARK here so my point doesn't get muddled and you know what the actual dilemma is- but it feels like someone chopped the tail off this thing. I'm trying to find a way to say... in this clipped format... that the stakes are more than just the grand question of who lives and who dies- which is a big, global thing that Genny unfortunately has to shoulder- but it's also inside her. Morality isn't just a question, but a conception of the meaning of life. For Genny to have to carry the weight of a decision so much larger than her is eating her up inside.))

 



#40 Heliagrey

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Posted 26 May 2018 - 09:20 AM

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen.

 

When Zxix, the foul-mouthed, dragon-like creature from Genny’s childhood reappears and demands her help, the reunion isn’t a welcome one. Genny wants to fly under the radar at her new school, but incognito is a hard game to play when you’re losing your grip on reality. Soon she’s as infamous as Leo Ward, a classmate tormented by voices all his life.

 

It’s then Genny realizes she and Leo hear the same voices, and uncovers the true nature of her not-so-imaginary friend. Zxix is a Guardian, a race of beings once symbiotic with humanity. Powerful, magic-wielding tribes of human-Guardian pairs once populated the earth until a terrible mistake severed the connection, imprisoning the Guardians in painful limbo. Genny, the first person in two millennia to see them, soon learns how to extend her Guardian sight to those around her. But after her “gift” to one classmate breaks his mind and shatters his free will, she discovers the awful price to be paid for the creatures return. Not everyone will be safely reconnected to their Guardians.

 

Soon, Genny is smothered in others’ expectations of her. Zxix wants her to deliver him to his ancestral homeland, where he can restore his people to Earth and reignite humanity’s long lost magic. Leo wants her to help him stop the Guardians, and kill the voices forever. As Genny struggles with the weight of a decision so much larger than herself, only one thing is clear. Whatever she chooses, there will be casualties.






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